Gouging Our Own Eyes Out So You Don't Have To

It's been a while since we fired up the ol' FJM'inator. Maybe it's a sign that the general quality of soccer talk in the US is improving.

Oh, who are we kidding? This is America, we'll never run out of idiots. And, so we give you one Mitch Howard and his attempted analysis—and really, what is that, do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?—"Is Portsmouth Better Than the Chicago Fire?"

If you don't know that the answer is "Yes" then, please, follow along after the jump.

Soccer purists tend to exaggerate the reality of the state of American Soccer.

Example please. One. Just one. You're going to make a huge generalization like that as your starting point and not even find one credible source to back it up?

They tend to emphasize the negative when referencing U.S. Soccer and they don’t want to accept the fact that of the world’s greatest Soccer leagues, it is only the upper-eschelon teams that are truly great.

Three things:

First, we're going to have a problem if you insist of using 'Soccer' as a proper noun. It's not one. So, by "US Soccer" I'm not entirely sure if you are referring generally to the game in America or to the sport's governing body in America, the thing headquartered in Chicago. I'm guessing that generally you just mean the sport.

Second, that's close to a tautology. Only upper-echelon teams are great because only teams that are great are in the upper-echelon. Of course we could conceive of a league full of nothing but mediocre teams so that winning that league wouldn't really mean you were a team of much quality. Such a league might have a tiny salary cap, be populated by marginal players, and have a central authority that exercises more power than individual teams. Although we're not sure where you might find such a league.

Third, your two statements have nothing to do with each other. It's like saying "My toe hurts and I don't want to accept the fact that it's raining outside."

In the EPL, there are probably 5 great teams and the rest of them are very good, good and average. MLS teams would be competitive with all of the bottom 15 teams of EPL.

It's actually four. And if Arsenal doesn't address needs in central defense and defensive midfield it could be three by the end of next season. If you think there's five you must be a Tottenham fan.

But 'good' and 'average' are relative to the other teams in what is widely acknowledged as the world's best league (debatable, yes). Here let me do some work for you: David James, Glen Johnson, Sylvain Distin, Niko Kranjcar, Sol Campell, John Utaka, and Nwankwo Kanu all play for Portsmouth.

There is not a single player on the Chicago Fire roster (outside of Brian McBride) who could supplant any of those players in the Portsmouth line-up. Even when Blanco went on loan to Real Valladolid in La Liga he had a very ordinary strike rate of three goals in 23 appearances. So he couldn't hack it in Europe.

So, how is it that MLS teams would be competitive with the likes of Aston Villa or Manchester Citeh? Hell, the New York Red Bulls aren't even competitive with the rest of MLS. They get run off the pitch by the expansion Seattle Sounders, how the hell would they not get dismantled by Everton?

Simply saying something is true doesn't make it so.

"I'm the Queen of Scotland." Hey, awesome. Now I have a vagina. And subjects. This is cool.

The purists want to influence popular opinion by granting God-like status to European Soccer, but the truth is that there are only so many great teams.

If every team were great, how would we even know? Of course there are only so many great teams. "The world needs ditch-diggers, too, Danny."

This standard also applies to the Spanish, German, French and Italian leagues. MLS teams would battle most of the teams well (the bottom 75%), winning and losing close games.

You are fucking high. Or stupid. Or under 12-years-old. And, I hope for the sake of any children you have or might have in the future, it's the first of those options.

Just because the best teams in the top European leagues are better than the teams at the bottom of those leagues, it in no way follows that an MLS team could be competitive with those bottom teams.

The top teams would give a whipping to MLS teams.

This is perhaps the only thing you've said to this point that is accurate.

In terms of the Mexican, Central American and South American leagues, MLS would be competitive with all of these teams with the exception of the top tier two or three teams of Brazil and Argentina.

Well, MLS teams have a horrible record against Mexican teams in the CONCACAF Champions League. Hell, a season after making it to the MLS Cup the New England Revolution was bounced in the preliminary round for the 08-09 CCL. DC United finished dead last in its group, earning only a single point.

The Houston Dynamo were the only MLS team to make it out of the group stages and they were dismissed in the first knock out round 4-1 on aggregate by Atlante, a Mexican side.

So, in one of the few places where we actually have numbers, we haven't done so well. In fact, MLS hasn't even put a team in the final since the LA Galaxy in 2000 (for comparison, even Costa Rica has put a team in the final four times in that span).

As for the rest of South America, sure, the Fire or the Crew might do okay in the Uruguayan or Columbian league. To be honest, I don't know as I don't watch that much Uruguayan or Columbian soccer because, well, it's hard to. FSC broadcasts some Argentine football, but that's about it for the rest of the Americas. I try to stay away from talking about things I don't know much about.

Yeah, subtlety has never been my forte.

It could be that MLS teams have traditionally not played well in CONCACAF because of scheduling or that its relevance was low on the totem pole for general managers, owners and fans.

Wow, a reasonable explanation. Although, save for Ebbsfleet United, fans don't have much say in what competitions a manager should emphasize.

This seems to be changing. There has been a lot more press regarding CONCACAF play this year.

Yes, nothing means that teams will do better on the pitch more than press about an event. I am now going to write 1 million articles between now and next summer about the US Men's National Team thus assuring they will win the World Cup.

The newest CONCACAF schedule was released yesterday. Look for MLS teams to give a good showing.

Based on what? The release of a schedule? The press? This makes no sense.

The truth is that the world’s Soccer leagues play just like MLS does.

That is the farthest thing from the truth. Skill, creativity, touch. The best soccer leagues are littered with players that have all three of these. Watch a couple of MLS games and you'll see that the first touch in the US's domestic league is generally pitiful.

If you mean that MLS and the rest of the world's soccer league play by the same rules, then that would be the only way in which your statement would be accurate.

There is a lot of boring Soccer out there. There are maybe 20 great teams in the world that play with consistent innovation and determination.

This is based on what? Except for 20 teams, the rest are boring? Explain what you actually mean here, then find some way to justify this statement.

The average Soccer league teams play an exciting game only every third or fourth game. It is the rules of Soccer that hinder teams and make their games so dull and lifeless.

So what rules allowed Liverpool and Arsenal to play that insane 4-4 draw at Anfield in the late season? The same ones that make games "dull and lifeless." It's not the rules of soccer that make for a dull game, it's tactics. If a manager wants to park 10 men behind the ball when his side is out-manned, that's a tactical decision. And even then that doesn't necessarily mean a boring match will result.

I'm not going to touch the first sentence. Really, I watched 36 of Arsenal's 38 league matches this season, all but maybe three of them almost resulted in giving me a small coronary. But that's my experience, and I know better than to extrapolate from that to a universal statement about anything.

The great teams can get around the lack of drama from which the rules stifle average and good teams because the talent is so much more superb. For these teams, the matches achieve a higher level of skill and action.

I don't even know what this means.

Don’t fool yourself and don’t believe the hype!

The book of the new school rap game. Writers treat me like Coltrane, insane... Love Public Enemy. Don't think that's what you are talking about here.

Check out the empty stadiums all around the world. These are the homes to average teams who play average. Relegation and promotion doen’t change anything, it only proves the point further. Teams fight to stave off relegation and fight to gain promotion, but the stands still remain half-full or even worse than half-full, regardless.

Norwich City FC. They suck (as NCFC's unofficial US-based blog we're all too aware of this). They just got relegated out of Colaship to League One. They pack Carrow Road with 26,000 fans (capacity) week in, week-out. They'll do the same one division down.

Derby Couty, they suck, too. But one of the reasons they were bought by their American owners was the loyal support of the fan base. Plenty of mediocre teams fill their respective stadia. Sure plenty of good Serie A teams have problems selling out, but this whole line of thought has nothing to do with whether an MLS team would be competitive in a top European league to begin with.

Are you trying to say that poor attendance correlates with bad soccer? Because that would support the notion that MLS is terrible. If you want an empty stadium—as for some reason it seems important to you—go check out FC Dallas.

The U.S. team will make next year’s World Cup and has a decent chance to make it through to the second round.

What does the USMNT have to do with the relative competitiveness of MLS? Besides nothing, I mean.

The second round would mean that the U.S. is one of the top 16 countries in the world.

Not really. It depends on the draw, and other random variables. The Aussies probably weren't one of the best 16 teams in the world when they made it to the knock out stages of the last World Cup.

With a big upset, the U.S. could make the quarter-finals. This is awesome that the U.S. has a chance to make it so far into the World Cup, most countries would die for the opportunity just to qualify.

And with four big upsets, we could win the World Cup. And I'm going to write 1 million articles about it, so it's going to happen!

So where does the U.S. rank in Soccer?

FIFA says we're 14th. That's about to drop once our 3-0 pasting in Costa Rica gets figured in, along with the likely humbling we're in for at the Confederations Cup.

It’s doing well.

Ranking aside, we haven't performed well on the world's biggest stage. We had one good World Cup in 2002, and a decent showing when we hosted in 1994. Again, the Confederations Cup will be the best litmus test of this ahead of the next World Cup. Our group has Italy, Brazil, and Egypt in it. Would any reasonable person with a functional knowledge of soccer expect us to advance from that group?

The national team is solid and its leagues, MLS and USL are improving. But if MLS fails, and it very well could in the next 3-5 years, the U.S. Soccer world will turn upside down.

Where does this assertion that the league "very well could" fold in the next "3-5 years" come from? And what does it have to do with whether the Fire could beat Pompey?

Is there a single statement in this entire piece that actually supports the idea that an MLS team could be competitive in a top European league? What's the point of this piece, other than to annoy reasonably intelligent people?

You know what we really learned from this?

There are twenty-plus comments on this nonsense. Jesus, we're going to start writing the craziest shit and fill it with borderline non-sequiturs. You've been warned.

But our page views are about to skyrocket.

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Quick Throw: Not so fast, bored Arab!

The EPL, miraculously finding the time between filet mignon lunches and visits to the spa, have decided to run the potential Pompey owner through their "fit-and-proper persons" rule that's yet to be fully implemented. I guess they're checking to see whether he's qualified or honest or something.

Good luck, Pompey! Remember: all the money in the world doesn't mean you'll be signing Kaka in July. If he and the rest of the soccer superstars didn't want to go to Citeh, they're certainly not choosing the gloomy South Coast.

[Guardian Sport]

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Pompey Hope Crouchaldinho Likes Falafel

DiCaprio is an Italian name, right? Sign him up!

Sulaiman Al-Fahim brokered the deal whereby Abu Dhabi Group (for which he is a member of the board) took over Manchester City. Okay, fine, he helped out some of his potentate friends when they needed a new play-thing. Only now, Al-Fahim (excuse me, Dr. Al-Fahim) has bought Pompey from embattled owner Sacha Gaydamak (cue the "you know how I know you're gay" jokes) for an undisclosed amount. While the club is currently £65m in debt (that's slightly over $100 million - Abramovich thinks that number is "cute"), an influx of Middle Eastern oil and real-estate money is likely to fix that issue soon enough. But there are other issues lurking.


Al-Fahim has an MBA from the Kogod (who knew Unsilent Majority had his own school!) School of Business at American University, and received his Ph.D. from American as well, so he presumably knows what he is doing. An alleged child chess prodigy, he founded a sports financing company (the Sulaiman Al Fahim Group) at age 18, and is currently the CEO of Hydra Properties, a United Arab Emirates real estate company he founded in 2005 at age 28. The latter has reeled in over $2 billion in real estate projects, leading Al-Fahim to describe himself as a billionaire philanthropist (note: people younger than me should not be richer than me).

Today some more details regarding the sale of Portsmouth were announced, and Al-Fahim noted that his financing was obtained with the help of a "network of Asian and Middle Eastern investors" including Falcon Equity, for which he is also a board member. The latter was also involved in an aborted purchase of Chelsea earlier this year, so it is clear that Al-Fahim has been looking to get involved with another EPL team for some time now.

There has been the usual talk regarding staying true to the Pompey faithful and making moves to get the club into European competition, but given Al-Fahim's previous comments regarding potential Man City transfer targets Ronaldo, David Silva, and everyone else under the sun (none of which came to fruition) one has to wonder how much of this bluster will come true. However, the bigger concern has been the connection to the Man City purchase and how that will affect how Pompey conduct their business on the pitch. If Man City need 3 points for a spot in Europe and they play a Portsmouth club with nothing to gain or lose, will the latter lay down? Al-Fahim claims that his involvement with Man City ended immediately after the deal last September, but he remains a board member of Abu Dhabi group.

Even more importantly, if I was a Pompey supporter I would be worried that my club has just been bought by the Middle Eastern Donald Trump.

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Monday Open Thread: Relegation Nation

Adopt the squeaky bum position and join us for a tense afternoon in the EPL and Colaship.

Two games. Four teams. Three in deep doo-doo. One Highlander. Etc.

As you can see above, the lads at George Keeley's have graciously jerry-rigged some bootleg A/V with ESPN360 piped onto a TV. Bigus is currently there, wearing a hole in the floor with his frantic pacing up and down the bar as we await kick-off from Carrow Road.

So yeah, you can watch Norwich/Reading on a computer-destroying ESPN360 should you wish.

Oh, and something about Alan Shearer.

TODAY:
Newcastle v. Portsmouth
-----
The Bland Alans: Shay Given's Less Talented Replacement, Beye, Coloccini, Bassong, Jose Enrique, Smith, Nicky Butt, Hard-Workin' Duff, Aussie who should retire, Martins, Crocked Midget.
Subs: The Evil Krul!, Barton the Thuggish, Guthrie, Gutierrez, Peter "Peace" Lovenkrands, Edgar, Carroll.

Pompey: Butterfingers James, Glen Johnson, Solololol Campbell, Distin, Hreidarsson, Davis, Belhadj, Hughes, Mullins, The Nuuuug, Man Who Hopes to Have Nachos.
Subs: Begovic, Pennant, Pamarot, Utaka, Cranie, Kanu, Basinas.

With Mike Riley in charge, you can almost smell the botched penalty decision that swings the game dramatically to favour one side. Shearer has done nothing to lift the Magpies whatsoever, so I'm going with a dramatic, agonizing 1-1 draw.

Norwich v. Reading
-----
Canaries: Marshall, Otsemobor, Shackell, Doherty, Bertrand, Gow, Clingan, Russell, Carney, Lee, McDonald.
Subs: Nelson, Cureton, Lappin, Leijer, Daley

Hooped Spoilers: Hahnemann, Rosenior, Bikey, Duberry, Harding, Cisse, Karacan, Kebe, Little, Kitson, Long.
Subs: Federici, Matejovsky, Doyle, S Hunt, Pearce

No clue here. Narrow, fraught, desperate 1-0 home win via a late goal from a teenager. Or something like that.

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This Seemed Like More Fun 24 Hours Ago

Remember when Tony Adams was fired?

Amazingly it was just yesterday. Shit Chelsea won't even let Arsenal has-beens have the headlines for a full news cycle. Thanks Roman.

Anyway, when we heard the news, we did the first thing anybody does anymore. We went to Wikipedia. Not to confirm that Adams had actually been fired, but to find out who his replacement was.

Wikipedia isn't just for information. It's for telling the future. Or at least it seems that way, as bits of tid have a peculiar habit of turning up there before any other source (legitimate or otherwise) seems capable of finding them.

So first, someone posited that Alan Curbishley—whose real first name it turns out is Llewellyn (Alan is a good choice, then)—had (or would) replace him. See the top pic above (and click to enlarge).

Of course once that got edited out, the wisdom of the group had no more wisdom to impart. Only questions. See below (and you really need to click on it to see the larger version so you can read it):



Finally, the truth was posted. Nobody has the job. Vacant.



Then the truth was changed and was made even truthier: It was put in lower case and italicized. And really italics are how you know it's finally the truth.




The last one isn't that interesting except for the fact that, because it was changed again, we're theorizing that someone else was given the job on wikipedia while we weren't looking. Perhaps Avram Grant.

Anyway, some people have far too much time on their hands. And we have even more so that we can take screeshots of it.

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Pompey Push Adams off the Cliff

Yesterday's miraculous comeback by Liverpool was wonderful for me, but not so sweet for beleaguered, forlorn Pompey manager Tony Adams.

Within the last hour, the boardroom decided to put him out of his misery, firing him after barely three full months in charge. Winless in the EPL since November 30, they don't look like turning things around any time soon, but honestly, you can't place full blame on Tony. After all, his owners sold Diarra and Defoe to keep the finances in good stead, and that was perhaps the final nail in his coffin regardless of Torres' late goal last night.

No clue what happens next at Fratton Park. I hear Kevin Keegan's available.

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Quick Throw: Portsmouth sign Pele!

I'm ashamed to use that cheap trick, but it's true: Tony Adams has signed Pele to help stem the tide of hasty Fratton Park departures. Sadly, it's just some Portuguese guy and not the Brazilian put through a reverse-aging machine, but it's something, right?

They also nicked Hayden Mullins from West Ham, showing that the Hammers really are selling anyone to anyone who comes a-knocking.

[Guardian Sport]

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UF Quick Throw: Sol Campbell abusers charged

The Fratton Park homophobes have been rounded up, and charges for "indecent chanting" (it means what it says, I guess) have been handed out. Included in the mix was a 13-year-old boy, which reinforces the ageless adage that you're never too young to become a bigot.

[BBC News]

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UF Quick Throw: Defoe Deal Done.

Lots of reports this morning that Jermaine Defoe's return to Tottenham Hotspur is done, and just relies on a routine medical today. The exact fee is unknown but believed to be in the region of 15 million. Spurs will not have to shell out the full amount however, as Portsmouth still owe Spurs some cashola from the purchase of Youness Kabul. Defoe could be unveiled at White Hart Lane tonight as Spurs take on Burnley in the first leg of the Carling Cup semi final.

Read more on "UF Quick Throw: Defoe Deal Done."...

A speedy UEFA Cup Round-up

"Yep, remember when we could have won this Cup but played the dullest football known to mankind in the final? Ahh, good times..."

Well, it's the middle of the week and nothing else is happening in the world of soccer, so it's the perfect time for the Little Euro Cup to peek its ugly head out.

So, how did everyone get on today?

Portsmouth 3, Heerenveen 0
Solid performance from the newly Diarra-less Pompey, including a brace from Peter Crouch, who no doubt celebrated with some delicious nachos. The Eredivisie side aren't up to much, but Pompey came in this evening knowing they were already eliminated from the competition, so the lack of pressure brought out their flair. Good thing they're not advancing considering all the players they'll lose in January.

AC Milan 2, Wolfsburg 2
The Rossonieri sure do love their score draws! At least this time round, they led in the match instead of waiting until the last 10 minutes to score twice (like they did at Fratton Park).

Hamburg 3, Aston Villa 1
O'Neill's men were manhandled, but what does it matter? They had safe passage wrapped up weeks ago. A late scrappy goal for young'un Nathan Delfouneso (seriously, if Villa has any more speedy young wingers/forward, they should declare them at Customs) wasn't enough to counter Ivica Olic's double and Mladen Petric's volley.

Ajax 2, Sparta Prague 2
Look, last minute penalty equalizers! The Dutch left it late but were through anyway.

St. Etienne 2, Valencia 2
Hey look, Fernando Morientes scored. Remember that guy at Anfield? Yeah, perhaps best not to.

Club Brugge 0, FC Copenhagen 1
Why am I still recapping?

Deportivo La Coruna 1, Nancy 0
Ha, Nancy. Of course the Gallic pansies went down limply.

Feyenoord 0, Lech Poznan 1
Goal! Ivan Djurdjevic must have a foot like a traction engine. The cagey win puts the Poles into the next round.

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UF Quick Throw: The Pompey exodus begins

Portsmouth have accepted a "substantial bid" from Real Madrid for midfielder Lassana Diarra. As if things weren't hard enough for Adams already... he'll lose Defoe and Johnson in less than a month too.

[BBC Sport]

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Better Late Than Never. (WITH AN UPDATE)

Ever wondered what a racist and homophobic individual looks like? You have? Well after the jump ye shall be enlightened. Cops have released images of the 16 morons who they wish to nab in connection with the abuse that Portsmouth defender and ex-Spurs man Sol Campbell received when the two sides met back on the 28th of September.


Here they are. What a bunch. A number of them look young and ignorant but there are a few who should know better! Yes you, Mr top right and you, Mr third row middle left. Hmm, how embarrassed will you be when the old bill march into your place of work and take you to the station.



The Police are taking the matter very seriously. They failed to arrest those responsible at the time of the game due the logistics of dealing with such a large crowd and have been comparing the images to database records of known hooligans. Now they have released the images of the men they believe to all be from London, so people who know them and dislike them can turn supergrass.

'We want to send a clear message that abuse of this kind will not be tolerated and that we are taking robust action. I'd urge anyone who recognises these people to contact us as soon as possible.' -Superintendent Neil Sherrington of the Hampshire fuzz.

I am surprised how good the images are, watch out footy fans, big brother is watching. I guess they will have to use game footage and lip reading experts in court to decide if this bunch are actually guilty. Police arrested two men in connection with the incident last Friday.

Campbell has been victim to abuse on previous occasions from Spurs fans who still hold a grudge over the defenders unique move to hated neighbors Arsenal back in 2001. This is not the only case of this nature to be investigated recently. Just last week, 2 men were arrested in Newcastle for racially abusing Egyptian striker Mido.

I am glad to say than UF's own Likely Lad is not in one of the pictures above.

-Bigus

[UPDATE: According to the Guardian news ticker, they've arrested one this morning in connection with the incidents. Let's hope the rest are captured so easily.]

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UF Introduces: Market Madness!

Ronaldo knows what it's like to fall fast

Football is a crazy game these days. The emotional capital on the line every week is staggering. The modern consumer needs a steady hand to guide the way. Unfortunately, that individual has come to the wrong place. This is an American soccer blog, and like Americans do, we suffer our pain in silence, then go out and gamble with other people's money. (Sub-prime Spurs! Get me every time!)

So without further rabble, we present today the first edition of UF's Market Guide. What to Sell! What to Buy! And Everything in between...

BUY! BUY ! BUY!


...until we freak out on national television and tell you to sell the kids for food.

Buy Portsmouth:
Make fun of Fratton Park all you like, the AC Milan game was magic. That coupled with white-knuckle ride win over Blackburn is just what they needed. Tony Adams has his first win; now he can build. Harry Who? (Caveat Emptor: they may have to sell the first team's shin pads for rent money come January.)

Buy TSG 1899 Hoffenheim:
Another impressive win this weekend. Their American educated, trained, nourished striker Veded Ibisevic, who happens to play his international footie for Bosnia (d'oh!) is a scoring machine. With pedigree that likens them to a sort of German Reading, they could go into the winter break atop the league (Caveat: Like Bayern Munich so many years ago, English Reading will host Norwich City this season.)

Buy Antonio Cassano:
The guy's good on the pitch and (as the intrepid Lingering Bursitis explains) hilarious off it. Like we needed another reason to want to go to Spain...

Buy Emile Heskey:
This is actually a personal message to Redknapp and Levy. Buy him from Wigan in January. Spurs need to someone to link the midfield to their one-touch strikers and Modric isn't reliable enough.

Buy Chelsea fans:
Like Leprechauns, they exist, but are increasingly difficult to find. The Blues supporter is rare and fantastic entertainment. Alternately despondent, reflective, nostalgic (make it Special again!), and whiny (offside!)... and they're in first place still, 'Pool pending.

Buy Maradona:
There is but one inalienable truth in this whole debate. The Argentinian players looooove him. No matter how stupid or perverse he acts (to be fair, he was subdued, naturally it appeared, during the Scotland match) they will continue to love him. And when you've got that quality of athlete, a bit of motivation could be more valuable than all the tactics in the world.

Sell! For Chrissakes, Sell it all! Light it on fire, just be done with it!!



...until next week, when everything bounces back but your checking account. Sawwrry.

Sell Real Madrid:
Bernd Schuster is a loss away from the salida, and losing to Getafe on Saturday surely doesn't help. Also, it looks like Rafa, their top target, is signing a new deal at Anfield, meaning they're fucked royally in their search for someone new. They might end up with Juande Ramos (silence)(crickets)(a distant scream)...

Sell Roy Keane:
sayeth LB, "Really, you're almost done. Bolton embarrassed you at home. Bolton! Unless you unleash the feral rage of your playing days instead of this new zen calm you display on the sidelines, you're looking for a job in January."

Seriously, LB has a great point. I understand that the guy is mellowing with age, but this is ridiculous. It will end badly. Either as described above, or with a training pitch assault/Joe Kinnear-inspired presser. The prawns are cooked, Roy, just need to toast the bread now...

Sell Paul Ince:
LB: "You should have stayed at MK Dons." Paul Ince: "I should have stayed at MK Dons."

Sell "6+5":
Is it entirely Evil? No. Does it have a chance of happening? No. Platini needs to read up on globalization, etc. Protectionist policies, especially when there are high-end elements of money and nationalism involved, just don't kick it in the modern world. If the American auto industry can die, French league football can suck a bit more. (no offense, NYK)

Sell American soccer's ability to pick up on home grown talent:
And to Bosnia, no less. Both Vebad Ibisevic (from Hoffenheim, see above) and Neven Subotic could have been USMNT fixtures for the next decade if the infrastructure in this country wasn't so convoluted. It's not like Ibisevic played college ball here. And I guess Subotic would've had to sit behind Onyewu anyway... Ugh...

Wait! Hold Still! Do Nothing! Freeze Up! We're confounded...


Arsenal:
Beating Man U and Chelsea still doesn't make them solid gold yet. They still had an awful month for the most part. They are lacking in depth, the Gallas situation, injuries, etc... etc...

Capello's England:
"Well Let's Not Start Sucking Each Other's Dicks Quite Yet." The Wolf had this one scouted out... I'm just saying. The Sun (not the paper) remains at the center of the universe and David Beckham didn't fall of the edge of the world, he just agreed to play for the Alexi Lalas-led L.A. Galaxy. England will probably fuck this up. So hold tight to your positions.

This Concept!
It's looking pretty good right now, but we've missed out on so much. Go to the comments section and add your own "tips" or do it to us on email and maybe they'll make the site for next week. Until then... Be Champions!

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David Shames - 3 Wheeler.

That's Pompey keeper David James (A.K.A the Vampire) rolling on his new wheels. All 3 of em. Find out why the England keeper was forced to ditch his Mercedes for a more 'modest' form of transport after the jump.



Q: What happens when you suck at training in Porstmouth?

A: They make you drive a 3 wheeled Robin Reliant!

Being the worst player of the day at Pompey doesn't guarantee a bollocking from the boss or a slap on the wrist. The punishment is FAR more severe. You are forced to drive a 3 wheeled Robin Reliant home. For all you Americans currently asking yourselves "What the f*ck is that?" I will enlighten you.

The vehicle was made famous in the 80's by TV character, wide boy market trader Delboy Trotter and his idiot brother Rodney in the highly popular TV series 'Only fools and horses'. The series ran for 10 years initially (Christmas specials followed) and gave British viewers cult insults to use on each other such as "plonker", "dipstick", "twonk" along with phrases such as "Lovely Jubly" and "Cushty".


Delboy and Rodney with their 'reliant' in France for a Christmas special

The 3 wheeled 'car' was purchased by Pompey players who clubbed together obtain the creative punishment. The vehicle has also been fitted with a speaker that plays farm animal noises as the under-performing player rides home with rosy red cheeks.



All this talk of 'Only fools' put me in the mood to share. Enjoy...



-Bigus.

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The Adams Family.

Former Arsenal Captain Tony Adams has taken over at Portsmouth but will his players request a move? I am sure his chairman is delighted that he has publically given them an out! Join me after the jump to look at the Pompey gaff-er's first press conference.

There he sat, Pompey's new boss for his first press conference and his first managerial post in the top flight. He has been at Portsmouth as a number 2 for just long enough for Peter Storrie to forget his disastrous spell in charge of Wycombe Wanderers between 2003-04, a spell in the lower leagues that Adams will be glad is far behind him. In that time, he took Wycombe from the top of the table to the bottom and League 2. Oops.

So what's the first issue Adams addressed as he enjoyed the limelight today? That of his players and their allegiance to former boss Harry Redknapp. Adams warned his former mentor Harry Hotspur to keep his grubby hands off his players in January. A good move. Well done Tony. Then he said this...

"If anyone wants to go I’ll let them. I want players who want to play for us. If they don’t, it’s no good in the long run making them stay.” -Tony Adams, today.

NOOOOOOOOO! SHHHHHHH! What have you done! You just told all of your players they can leave if they want to, that's what. The warning to Spurs is now useless. What a gaff. A gaff of Wycombe-esque proportions. Surely if a big club comes in then the players WILL want to leave and off they will go, granted their move with a polite wave from the manager. Adams might as well rip up the contracts today.

Now, I am not Nostradamus but I can see a raid coming in January. Spurs need a central midfielder and at least one forward. Diarra, Crouch and Defoe will surely be on the shopping list and other teams will also now be adding Portsmouth players. As long as they want to leave of course. Jeez. Maybe Adams should just swap out the OKI logo on the team shirts for a 'FOR SALE' sign.

Adams has no managerial experience at this level but he will need to learn fast, as this isn't League 1. I do wish him luck, he was an excellent player and great asset to England. I can't help thinking however that his lack of experience with the press, as well as with the players, will come back to haunt him.

This position may have come too early for Adams and Portsmouth fans will certainly be nervous.

-Bigus.

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Quitting comes easy for Harry.

                                                    Harry nose when to quit!

It's confirmed. Tottenham's new manager will be the 'king of quitters' Harry Redknapp. A hefty fee was agreed between Spurs top man Daniel Levy and Pompey's Peter Storrie on Friday (they kept that quiet) and tonight old Harry spills the beans. Join me after the jump for a look at the 'history' of Harry...don't leave early will you?


Champion quitter Harry Redknapp has announced that he will be Spurs new gaffer. The man to save the day and resuscitate Tottenham's cadaverous season. He told SKY Sports tonight that Porstmouth will receive 5 million quid in compensation for his extremely intriguing move to the scared shitless part of North Laaaandon.

"I love Portsmouth and I loved my time there, we had some fantastic success and I'd never been happier, but it's a great deal for Portsmouth, £5m for me, and it's a chance for me to get on and see what I can do. Once Tottenham came in and once the offer was made it was difficult for the club to turn down a £5m offer for a manager. The club were pleased to take it and hopefully people will remember what I've done there." -Harry Redknapp.


So It's a "GREAT "deal for Pompey, that's the slant. They wanted to sell me! Honest!

True or not, Harry is the new Spurs manager and it's a weird move indeed. Porstmouth are currently 7th in the table and the reigning F.A Cup holders. Spurs have 2 points, are 5 from safety and are rooted bottom of the Premier League. They are also bottom of their UEFA Cup table after Udinese rolled them over 2-0 in Italy on Thursday. Harry must like a challenge because this is the mother of all challenges. But this isn't the first time Harry has quit a team, he is starting to make a habit out of it.

Harry's first act of quittage was Bournmouth in 1992. He'd had enough of the limited resources and walked. Next Rednapp joined West ham as Billy Bond's assistant and took over the top spot in 1994 after Bond's resigned. After a falling out with Hammers supremo Terry Brown over some comments he made to a fanzine regarding Brown, Redknapp left West Ham in 2001. Pompey were next. After pulling a Houdini and keeping Pompey in the Premiership Harry quit in 2004 after falling out with (then) owner Milan Manderic. He joined rivals Southampton in a move that turned him into a hate figure for Porstmouth fans but in 2005 he pulled the old switcheroo for Portsmouth once again. Keeping the hate flowing on the south coast (It just moved east to west a bit). Moving to a rival once was unheard of, but twice? Harry sure is a quitter, but quitting is better than getting the old tin-tack isn't it Harry? And that brings us to today.

Maybe Harry gets itchy feet? Maybe he likes money. I'll go with the latter, but it has to be said early, if anyone can save Tottenham from a drop into the Championship, it's Harry Redknapp. If Harry fails to save Spurs then he has proven that he can bring a team back up from the challenge that lies below (Porstmouth 2002-03). Maybe that's the key to Levy's move? Prepare for the inevitable while having a good go at surviving. Either way it's going to be a tough challenge. However, Harry Redknapp is a tough cookie. Spurs players certainly won't get an easy ride or the niceties of Senor Ramos and his European ways, oh no! And this is a wonderful opportunity to bust out one of my favorite you tube videos EVER.



So take that as a warning all you under achievers of Tottenham. Harry is in the house and he means business. Shape up or you'll be in the "facking reserves".


-Bigus

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UEFA Cup Open Thread - Updated

You were good when you wore this shirt. What happened?

[Ed. Note: I'm still in a daze over Beckham joining Milan after Christmas, so forgive the light, well, non-existent posting this morning. Thoughts on that at some point.]

See, I told you there'd be barely any goals in the CL yesterday. Tuesday stole them all, dammit!

Considering we have Villa and Spurs fans reading along, today is their day. All the big clubs are tucked up in bed after their big, important European adventures, and today, it's the kids' turn in Little Cup. To which exotic destinations will these brave clubs travel? What languages might they need to speak? Will we have heard of any of the teams they're playing?

(I could keep going, but I won't)

In light of David Bentley's "bit shit" comments last night, which surely served as the perfect digestif to Juande's long lunch spent staring into the abyss and drooling, we will have some fun watching just how Spurs manage to corral their flabby, directionless collective into a coherent 90 minutes in Italy. Or maybe Ramos will just use the opportunity to check out Serie A "wanted" ads.

After the jumps, lineups, fun, and your colourful comments. It's a good day to be alive.
Udinese v. Spurs
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Udinese: Handanovic, Motta, Coda, Domizzi, Lukovic, Inler, D'Agostino, Isla, Sanchez, Quagliarella, Di Natale.

Subs: Koprivec, Sala, Ferronetti, Pasquale, Obodo, Pepe, Floro Flores.

The Serie A club known as the "Little Zebras" are at virtually full-strength, anchored by an alarming number of Chileans. Alexis Sanchez and Mauricio Isla anchor the midfield, and the strike partnership of Italian National side fringe players Antonio Di Natale and Fabio Quagliarella should thrive against the visibly-aloof Spurs back 4.

According to his wikipedia page, Di Natale is "well known known for scoring impressive goals." Considering the form of Spurs at the back this season, any goals he scores tonight will seem rather ordinary and run-of-the-mill by comparison to previous tallies.


Spurs: Gomes, Hutton, King, Woodgate, Assou-Ekotto, Lennon, Zokora, Jenas, O'Hara, Bale, Bent.

Subs: Cesar, Dawson, Gilberto, Gunter, Modric, Campbell, Giovani.

Gomes has been warned to not injure any of his own tonight, and we see rare starts for Assou-Ekotto and Jamie O'Hara. The center-back pairing of Samson-esque Woodgate and Samsonite-esque Ledley King should provide some comedy this evening. And yes, Ramos looks to be employing UF's favourite formation, the 4-5-1.
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Other games tonight:
Aston Villa v. Ajax (kick off: 3.15pm ET)
Braga v. Portsmouth (kick off: 3.15pm ET)
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Updates:
Spurs are still losing 1-0 from a 1st half penalty given up by Gomes, which is a shame as he's been superb since. Jamie O'Hara did manage a rather Barton-esque feat of greatness in getting 2 yellows within a minute and taking an early bath. Close to the end there. 1-0 Udinese still.

Aston Villa v. Ajax
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Aston Villa: Friedel, Luke Young, Cuellar, Laursen, Shorey, Reo-Coker, Petrov, Barry, Milner, Agbonlahor, Ashley Young.

Subs: Guzan, Sidwell, Harewood, Davies, Knight, Salifou, Gardner.

Expected line-up, right? O/U on number of misplayed passes for Reo-Coker currently set at 102.


Ajax: Vermeer, Silva, Oleguer, Vermaelen, Emanuelson, Lindgren, Sarpong, Vertonghen, Suarez, Huntelaar, Gabri.

Subs: Vonk, Van Der Wiel, Cvitanich, Leonardo, Sno, Anita, Schilder.
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Braga v. Portsmouth
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Braga: Eduardo, Frechaut, Moises, Alberto Rodriguez, Evaldo, Vandinho, Alan, Matheus, Aguiar, Renteria, Meyong.

Subs: Mario Felgueiras, Mossoro, Paulo Cesar, Jorginho, Stelvio Cruz, Cesar Peixoto, Joao Pereira.

4-5-1, probably? No clue. I hear Renteria is good.


Portsmouth: James, Campbell, Pamarot, Armand Traore, Distin, Davis, Diop, Hreidarsson, Little, Defoe, Crouch.

Subs: Ashdown, Utaka, Mvuemba, Hughes, Kanu, Belhadj, Wilson.

Nothing outrageous here either. Seeing a Traore in the starting XI is instant cause for concern. The Traores don't make things easy for their teammates, oh no sir. Little and Large continue to spearhead a decent Pompey attack.

Read more on "UEFA Cup Open Thread - Updated"...

Whudafxup with Portsmouth' s week?

Consider Portsmouth. In the last five days, Pompey have played 180 minutes of soccer. In that time, they have given up 10 goals without registering one for themselves. A 6-0 weekend loss at Manchester City had been followed by a 4-0 loss at home to Chelsea. The team is stuttering worse than a non-Fox News Palin interview.

Where does the blame lie? Can we put it on Nacho Pete and the rest (save Defoe) of the team that refuses to score? Is it because David James decided he really likes being nicknamed "Calamity"? Or is 'Arry not a good manager when unable to nick personal funds off of backroom deal with agents? Finally, is this just a bad week, or is this something that will continue? Well, it won't this weekend at least. Portsmouth play Tottenham. Three easy points there.

Your input, and/or appropriate snark, is greatly appreciated.

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Man U v. Portsmouth

It appears we don't have much in the hopper (see right, it's empty, everything has spilled out) at the moment. My excuse is that I am getting married next weekend, so my future-wife has commandeered all of my available free time to help with the wedding.

But, there is a match to follow today as Manchester United plays at Fratton Park. Pompey is coming off an embarrassing loss to Chelski last week and Man U had an embarassing draw with Newcastle. The two squads hope to right the ship today, while only one can possibly do so and it is possible neither of them do which would be fun.

After the jump, the lineups...feel free to play in the comment sandbox during the match. But, please, don't piss or shit in the sand.



Manchester United

1 Edwin Van der Sar (G)
5 Rio Ferdinand (D)
22 John O'Shea (D)
6 Wes Brown (D)
3 Patrice Evra (D)
15 Nemanja Vidic (D)
8 Anderson (M)
18 Paul Scholes (M)
24 Darren Fletcher (M)
32 Carlos Tevez (F)
10 Wayne Rooney (F)

Portsmouth

1 David James (G)
23 Sol Campbell (D)
15 Sylvain Distin (D)
30 Armand Traore (D)
5 Glen Johnson (D)
3 Younes Kaboul (D)
28 Sean Davis (M)
6 Lassana Diarra (M)
8 Papa Bouba Diop (M)
9 Peter Crouch (F)
14 Jermain Defoe (F)


Man U gets Anderson back from Olympic duty and Tevez from bereavement leave. While Crouchaldinho hopes to break his duck for this tour of duty for Pompey.

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EPL Preview: Portsmouth

Harry Redknapp is rightly celebrated in the south of England. After saving Portsmouth from relegation, he put the pieces together for an impressive campaign last year. Top half of the League. A spot in the UEFA Cup. And an FA Cup that, while perhaps tarnished by a fortunate run of matches (though they did take down United in the quarters), still stands as the first FA Cup won in 13 years by a club other than the Big Four of United, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool.

‘Arry. The Pompey faithful. Fratton Park . A squad built on steel, muscle, and experience. Playing in a crusty old ground that vibrates every weekend. Managed by a self-promoting but exceedingly personable character who may still be underrated. If there is a side that better personifies the battling nature that should define the middle of the Premiership table, I haven’t found them. Pompey give the Tottenhams’ of the world the shits one would normally get from bad lasagna.

After the jump, I’ll preview YOUR 2009-09 Portsmouth Blue Army…


Harry overpaid for Peter Crouch . 11m pounds. Really? For a guy who couldn’t really get a run at Liverpool and who specializes in terrorizing Macedonia? But the bean pole has underrated ball skills and, after all, just…scores…goals. He returns to Portsmouth to pair Wee Speed Demon Jermaine Defoe in certainly one of the most mouth-watering strike forces in the League. Pompey will score. And we’ll finally see what a full season brings out of Crouch.


David James. It’s almost hard to remember his moniker “Calamity.” Is he the best keeper in the Prem? His gaffes are more rare, and there are few better pure shot-blockers. I’d say fully 17 clubs in the league would take him in a heartbeat.

The Portsmouth back came together impressively last year. Former Hammer and Chelsea bust Glen Johnson has become perhaps England’s best right back. On the left, Herman Hreidarsson…ok, I don’t know a fucking thing about him. But the pairing of Sylvain Distin and slowing-but-proud Sol Campbell are about as stout as any center-half pair this side of United, Chelsea and Liverpool. And ‘Arry brought in Spurs’ reject Younes Kaboul to deputize the back. This is exactly the kind of move that works out for ‘Arry more often than not.

In the middle, former Chelsea and Arsenal man Lassana Diarra proved the big clubs wrong with a special season in a reserved role. And you may have seen Croatian Niko Kranjcar providing service to his mates in the Euro this summer (the link was from an, umm, prior match). The man can play.

In fact, Portsmouth’s one true weakness to this observer is on the wing. ‘Arry lost underrated Sulley Muntari to Mourinho’s Inter (of course, ‘Arry doubled his money on the sale). This will hurt. But where are the wings? You’ve got Peter Crouch’s head up there! Who’s going to ping them off that towering noggin? Width is Portsmouth’s one true question.

My Chelsea get Pompey this weekend. I’m not sweating the match too much, but it will be fun to open the season against this lot. If you’re looking for a club in the Premiership to follow, you could do much worse. Prediction? They’ll be, to my mind, right in the mix for 5th through 7th with Villa and Spurs (I’ve dropped City and Everton from this frame). Villa has to wonder about Gareth Barry’s attitude. Spurs have to knit a whole new squad. Harry is smiling like a Cheshire Cat. Call it 6th.

I’ll leave you with Pompey’s famous song. The Pompey Chimes. Sing it with me to the Westminster Chimes.

Play up Pompey, Pompey play up!

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