Gouging Our Own Eyes Out So You Don't Have To

It's been a while since we fired up the ol' FJM'inator. Maybe it's a sign that the general quality of soccer talk in the US is improving.

Oh, who are we kidding? This is America, we'll never run out of idiots. And, so we give you one Mitch Howard and his attempted analysis—and really, what is that, do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?—"Is Portsmouth Better Than the Chicago Fire?"

If you don't know that the answer is "Yes" then, please, follow along after the jump.

Soccer purists tend to exaggerate the reality of the state of American Soccer.

Example please. One. Just one. You're going to make a huge generalization like that as your starting point and not even find one credible source to back it up?

They tend to emphasize the negative when referencing U.S. Soccer and they don’t want to accept the fact that of the world’s greatest Soccer leagues, it is only the upper-eschelon teams that are truly great.

Three things:

First, we're going to have a problem if you insist of using 'Soccer' as a proper noun. It's not one. So, by "US Soccer" I'm not entirely sure if you are referring generally to the game in America or to the sport's governing body in America, the thing headquartered in Chicago. I'm guessing that generally you just mean the sport.

Second, that's close to a tautology. Only upper-echelon teams are great because only teams that are great are in the upper-echelon. Of course we could conceive of a league full of nothing but mediocre teams so that winning that league wouldn't really mean you were a team of much quality. Such a league might have a tiny salary cap, be populated by marginal players, and have a central authority that exercises more power than individual teams. Although we're not sure where you might find such a league.

Third, your two statements have nothing to do with each other. It's like saying "My toe hurts and I don't want to accept the fact that it's raining outside."

In the EPL, there are probably 5 great teams and the rest of them are very good, good and average. MLS teams would be competitive with all of the bottom 15 teams of EPL.

It's actually four. And if Arsenal doesn't address needs in central defense and defensive midfield it could be three by the end of next season. If you think there's five you must be a Tottenham fan.

But 'good' and 'average' are relative to the other teams in what is widely acknowledged as the world's best league (debatable, yes). Here let me do some work for you: David James, Glen Johnson, Sylvain Distin, Niko Kranjcar, Sol Campell, John Utaka, and Nwankwo Kanu all play for Portsmouth.

There is not a single player on the Chicago Fire roster (outside of Brian McBride) who could supplant any of those players in the Portsmouth line-up. Even when Blanco went on loan to Real Valladolid in La Liga he had a very ordinary strike rate of three goals in 23 appearances. So he couldn't hack it in Europe.

So, how is it that MLS teams would be competitive with the likes of Aston Villa or Manchester Citeh? Hell, the New York Red Bulls aren't even competitive with the rest of MLS. They get run off the pitch by the expansion Seattle Sounders, how the hell would they not get dismantled by Everton?

Simply saying something is true doesn't make it so.

"I'm the Queen of Scotland." Hey, awesome. Now I have a vagina. And subjects. This is cool.

The purists want to influence popular opinion by granting God-like status to European Soccer, but the truth is that there are only so many great teams.

If every team were great, how would we even know? Of course there are only so many great teams. "The world needs ditch-diggers, too, Danny."

This standard also applies to the Spanish, German, French and Italian leagues. MLS teams would battle most of the teams well (the bottom 75%), winning and losing close games.

You are fucking high. Or stupid. Or under 12-years-old. And, I hope for the sake of any children you have or might have in the future, it's the first of those options.

Just because the best teams in the top European leagues are better than the teams at the bottom of those leagues, it in no way follows that an MLS team could be competitive with those bottom teams.

The top teams would give a whipping to MLS teams.

This is perhaps the only thing you've said to this point that is accurate.

In terms of the Mexican, Central American and South American leagues, MLS would be competitive with all of these teams with the exception of the top tier two or three teams of Brazil and Argentina.

Well, MLS teams have a horrible record against Mexican teams in the CONCACAF Champions League. Hell, a season after making it to the MLS Cup the New England Revolution was bounced in the preliminary round for the 08-09 CCL. DC United finished dead last in its group, earning only a single point.

The Houston Dynamo were the only MLS team to make it out of the group stages and they were dismissed in the first knock out round 4-1 on aggregate by Atlante, a Mexican side.

So, in one of the few places where we actually have numbers, we haven't done so well. In fact, MLS hasn't even put a team in the final since the LA Galaxy in 2000 (for comparison, even Costa Rica has put a team in the final four times in that span).

As for the rest of South America, sure, the Fire or the Crew might do okay in the Uruguayan or Columbian league. To be honest, I don't know as I don't watch that much Uruguayan or Columbian soccer because, well, it's hard to. FSC broadcasts some Argentine football, but that's about it for the rest of the Americas. I try to stay away from talking about things I don't know much about.

Yeah, subtlety has never been my forte.

It could be that MLS teams have traditionally not played well in CONCACAF because of scheduling or that its relevance was low on the totem pole for general managers, owners and fans.

Wow, a reasonable explanation. Although, save for Ebbsfleet United, fans don't have much say in what competitions a manager should emphasize.

This seems to be changing. There has been a lot more press regarding CONCACAF play this year.

Yes, nothing means that teams will do better on the pitch more than press about an event. I am now going to write 1 million articles between now and next summer about the US Men's National Team thus assuring they will win the World Cup.

The newest CONCACAF schedule was released yesterday. Look for MLS teams to give a good showing.

Based on what? The release of a schedule? The press? This makes no sense.

The truth is that the world’s Soccer leagues play just like MLS does.

That is the farthest thing from the truth. Skill, creativity, touch. The best soccer leagues are littered with players that have all three of these. Watch a couple of MLS games and you'll see that the first touch in the US's domestic league is generally pitiful.

If you mean that MLS and the rest of the world's soccer league play by the same rules, then that would be the only way in which your statement would be accurate.

There is a lot of boring Soccer out there. There are maybe 20 great teams in the world that play with consistent innovation and determination.

This is based on what? Except for 20 teams, the rest are boring? Explain what you actually mean here, then find some way to justify this statement.

The average Soccer league teams play an exciting game only every third or fourth game. It is the rules of Soccer that hinder teams and make their games so dull and lifeless.

So what rules allowed Liverpool and Arsenal to play that insane 4-4 draw at Anfield in the late season? The same ones that make games "dull and lifeless." It's not the rules of soccer that make for a dull game, it's tactics. If a manager wants to park 10 men behind the ball when his side is out-manned, that's a tactical decision. And even then that doesn't necessarily mean a boring match will result.

I'm not going to touch the first sentence. Really, I watched 36 of Arsenal's 38 league matches this season, all but maybe three of them almost resulted in giving me a small coronary. But that's my experience, and I know better than to extrapolate from that to a universal statement about anything.

The great teams can get around the lack of drama from which the rules stifle average and good teams because the talent is so much more superb. For these teams, the matches achieve a higher level of skill and action.

I don't even know what this means.

Don’t fool yourself and don’t believe the hype!

The book of the new school rap game. Writers treat me like Coltrane, insane... Love Public Enemy. Don't think that's what you are talking about here.

Check out the empty stadiums all around the world. These are the homes to average teams who play average. Relegation and promotion doen’t change anything, it only proves the point further. Teams fight to stave off relegation and fight to gain promotion, but the stands still remain half-full or even worse than half-full, regardless.

Norwich City FC. They suck (as NCFC's unofficial US-based blog we're all too aware of this). They just got relegated out of Colaship to League One. They pack Carrow Road with 26,000 fans (capacity) week in, week-out. They'll do the same one division down.

Derby Couty, they suck, too. But one of the reasons they were bought by their American owners was the loyal support of the fan base. Plenty of mediocre teams fill their respective stadia. Sure plenty of good Serie A teams have problems selling out, but this whole line of thought has nothing to do with whether an MLS team would be competitive in a top European league to begin with.

Are you trying to say that poor attendance correlates with bad soccer? Because that would support the notion that MLS is terrible. If you want an empty stadium—as for some reason it seems important to you—go check out FC Dallas.

The U.S. team will make next year’s World Cup and has a decent chance to make it through to the second round.

What does the USMNT have to do with the relative competitiveness of MLS? Besides nothing, I mean.

The second round would mean that the U.S. is one of the top 16 countries in the world.

Not really. It depends on the draw, and other random variables. The Aussies probably weren't one of the best 16 teams in the world when they made it to the knock out stages of the last World Cup.

With a big upset, the U.S. could make the quarter-finals. This is awesome that the U.S. has a chance to make it so far into the World Cup, most countries would die for the opportunity just to qualify.

And with four big upsets, we could win the World Cup. And I'm going to write 1 million articles about it, so it's going to happen!

So where does the U.S. rank in Soccer?

FIFA says we're 14th. That's about to drop once our 3-0 pasting in Costa Rica gets figured in, along with the likely humbling we're in for at the Confederations Cup.

It’s doing well.

Ranking aside, we haven't performed well on the world's biggest stage. We had one good World Cup in 2002, and a decent showing when we hosted in 1994. Again, the Confederations Cup will be the best litmus test of this ahead of the next World Cup. Our group has Italy, Brazil, and Egypt in it. Would any reasonable person with a functional knowledge of soccer expect us to advance from that group?

The national team is solid and its leagues, MLS and USL are improving. But if MLS fails, and it very well could in the next 3-5 years, the U.S. Soccer world will turn upside down.

Where does this assertion that the league "very well could" fold in the next "3-5 years" come from? And what does it have to do with whether the Fire could beat Pompey?

Is there a single statement in this entire piece that actually supports the idea that an MLS team could be competitive in a top European league? What's the point of this piece, other than to annoy reasonably intelligent people?

You know what we really learned from this?

There are twenty-plus comments on this nonsense. Jesus, we're going to start writing the craziest shit and fill it with borderline non-sequiturs. You've been warned.

But our page views are about to skyrocket.

Read more on "Gouging Our Own Eyes Out So You Don't Have To"...

What went wrong and why it hurts

Despite what we may have hoped and what LB believed (forgive him, he's been a bit busy), last night's game was a World Cup qualifier and not a meaningless friendly. So then, it's with wounded pride that some of our American contingent share their thoughts on the shitshow that was last night's Costa Rica-USA match. See if you can spot some themes.

Autoglass was the first to chime in (I know! We never hear from him!), and therefore gets to take the lead. Enjoy them all.

Autoglass
OK, I'm fucking pissed off.

That was a ridiculous, gutless, unprepared, lazy-ass effort. Utterly unacceptable. Bradley should be fired immediately. I don't care if you have to play under fucking water or while being shot at, Costa Rica is ranked 41st in the world and we’re supposed to be top 15 . We're supposed to be a rising power? As Bigus would say...HAHAHAHAHA!!! You don't go to fucking Costa Rica and embarrass yourself.

Gulati is an idiot. We never should have picked Bradley. We'll never fucking learn. We are making no progress. Negative progress. Our best player plays for the fucking Galaxy. The rest of this lot sit on assorted lower division benches (except for my man Super Clint...and
he sucked ass tonight as well).

It makes me insane to think that we are a year from the typical World
Cup hype. How the US can do well. Then we shard ourselves and it reflects badly on the game. US Soccer would be better run by Relegation Zone Mikey.

Dire. A shower. Embarrassing. Unacceptable. This past Saturday, I was at Wembley. Setting aside Chelsea’s beautiful play, let’s focus on overmatched Everton. They worked their asses off in front of the very same keeper, and to the very end of thegoddamn match. In that context, tonight's display just guts me. We have no character, no tactics, no fucking clue as to how to build a competitive program in the game I so dearly love.

It started with El Salvador. We could well lose to Honduras on Saturday. No disrespect to our neighbors to the south, but THESE ARE CENTRAL AMERICAN COUNTRIES!!!! They are practically city-states! Costa Rica were better on every level tonight. We have every goddamned kid in this country playing youth soccer. How does this happen?

The Confederations Cup will be a blood bath. Which makes me happy. At least Sunil can't pretend we're any good. I hope fucking Egypt beats us 4-nil.
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Spectator collated his thoughts that he put on Twitter.

One bad game does not make or break anything, but tonight exposed all of the USMNT's weaknesses. They've plateaued over the last six months and if they have any hope of success at the next World Cup (and I would define success as making the knockout stage), they need a new
coach. Bradley has done a good job pulling things together after the WC2006 debacle but he is clueless how to take the team to the next level. The Beasley experiment at leftback is a failure, and Bradley has done a terrible job of identifying potential starters.

The ESPN commentators kept talking about the US team's strength being its defense, but to me that's always been the worst part of their game. Bocanegra and Gooch are mediocre at best, and starting Wynne and Beasley over someone like Spector is just confounding.

I'd like to see what someone like Klinsmann could do with this team. Not saying that the USMNT has enough talent to do anything special, but they need to model themselves after teams like Australia or Egypt -- gritty, committed, and playing to strengths. For the US, that is using speed
and counterattacking. Of course, I fear that it'll just be more of the same going forward because there is a total lack of vision for this team, starting with Sunil and going down the line.

The way that the US was beat on those three goals was terrible marking and spacing. That's down to bad preparation and a failure of coaching, plain and simple. I'm willing to wait and see what kind of reaction there is after this one, but no matter the scoreline if there's another mediocre couple performances all the blame goes to Bradley.

Last thoughts: the US... A few good role players (Dempsey, Howard, Landycakes), a few decent prospects (Altidore, Edu, Bradley, Adu on a good day), lots of mediocre and over-the-hill players. What they are most lacking are leaders.
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The NY Kid
A complete shitshow. Anyone remember Project 2010 (that spawned the Generation Adidas program), designed to make the US a threat to win WC 2010? Playing this we are going to get killed in the Confederations Cup this month and we have no shot of even making it out of the group stage in 2010. This lineup was a complete joke - the Bradley nepotism era needs to come to an end, as Michael is far more competent at getting carded than anything else; the DMB at LB experiment is a clear failure; on the big stage Landycakes once again comes up empty (sorry, the PK that you had nothing to do with doesn't count); the substitutions were a failure (why would you take off Torres?).

We can argue about whether Howard should have started at GK given the short turn-around from (and disheartening - for him - result of) the FA Cup, but in his position I would have been screaming my head off at that bullshit defense. Gooch can be imposing, but he tends to get lost; despite his strong start in Ligue 1, the end of the season has clearly demonstrated that Bocanegra is getting a little long in the tooth.

Players I would much rather see in the lineup: (1) defense - Spector, Bornstein, Demerit; (2) midfield - Gavin and Rogers; (3) striker - Cooper. Bradley's team selection has been consistently baffling, and I think it's time for a new direction. It's easy to say that he should be gone if we finish anywhere other than 1st in qualifying, but that doesn't leave much time for the new gaffer to get things going for WC 2010. A loss or draw on Saturday, and Bradley has to go.
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Precious Roy
That was bad.

No shame in losing at Costa Rica. The Ticos are almost unbeatable at home. And playing on green concrete doesn't make things any easier for opponents.

The way we lost, however, was an embarrassment. On every level we were outclassed, 0utworked and outplayed by Costa Fucking Rica. There's aren't even any "Yeah, but..." positives to take away. "Yeah but we broke out scoreless streak in San Jose." Bullshit, we got a meaningless PK in second half stoppage time. It was a shellacking.

Preparation—personnel and formation—decisions fall squarely on Bob Bradley; but the effort from the players was equally as poor. Still, it's time for Gulati to start thinking about Plan B (if he even has one). We've taken one point from the last six in qualifying. That's not good.

Last night is done. Spilled milk and all. And at this point I'm more interested in how the USMNT responds. If we lose to Honduras Saturday, Bradley should be jobless on Sunday. If he goes to South Africa for the Confederations Cup after a home loss in qualifying, he'll be taken an unorganized squad that had been drained of any confidence and will be free-point fodder for the rest of our group.

A win on Saturday, that might almost be worse from a longer-term perspective. Gulati will think all is well and Bradley is still the right man for the job. He's not. He's done a good job to this point. Or maybe to some point a few months ago. In the wake of the last World Cup he's stabilized the USMNT but these guys are regressing and younger talent isn't developing. No way to look at last night and think anything else.
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Ian
The sad thing is, even if we lose at home this weekend, and then fall on our faces in South Africa, I still don't think its enough to get Bradley fired. This isn't like Europe where you would have every newspaper in the country calling for his head. There is no pressure on the federation or Sunil to make a change unless the team really screws up and is in danger of not qualifying. I'm pretty sure they are happy just feeding the bullshit line to clueless mainstream journos who pay attention once every four years that this is the World Cup where the team finally "takes the next step." Even though in reality they are content with just showing up.

Also I think its time to say that our Golden Generation of prospects is turning out to be underwhelming. Freddie can't even see the bench at Monaco, Jozy can't play for a second division side in Europe, and Bradley put up one of the flukiest seasons ever two years ago in Holland. And looking down the line, I'm not sure who we have waiting in the wings that is capable of doing much. I really like Torres and think he he should play more, but other than that I'm pretty uninspired. WTF ever happened to Danny Szetela, anyways?
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The Fan's Attic
I watched about ten minutes of the match and I have never been happier that my wife forced me to watch So You Think You Can Dance. There were more laughers in that match by US in those ten minutes than your average Judd Apatow flick. There were more US missteps than the George W. Bush administration. The lineups made as much sense as Joaquin Phoenix's career change. The backline was a soft as Kim Kardashian's. Remember, I only watched ten minutes.
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ü75
I saw the 3-4-3 and I had such high expectations. The problem is that I did not pay attention to the personnel. Neither did Bradley, I think, and the end result is what we all saw. Let's look at the personnel decisions.

Tim Howard is undoubtedly the number 1 for the US, but he just played a pretty big game on a pretty hot day in London. And lost. So he couldn't have been in the best mindset for the long (and slower) east to west flight. Not to blame for the first two goals, but his positioning was terrible in the third. Perhaps starting Guzan would have been better? Brad would have been rusty, though, so that's probably a wash.

Marvell Wynne, Oguchi Onyewu, Carlos Bocanegra, Demarcus Beasley
The painful back four. Wynne's strengths are his leaping and speed. Neither helped tonight. Plus, he has not been playing for Toronto in the last couple of weeks because of injury.
Onyewu has always been the big central back who sometimes gets lost. No change in Costa Rica.
For a captain, Bocanegra was mostly invisible. He had an early-season renaissance at Rennes, but this was a guy who got deep benched by Hodgson at Fulham last season. Maybe the European season is too long for him?
The less said about Beasley the better. His touch was awful. He hasn't featured for fucking Rangers in months. A very, very odd choice for left back.
The center two are ultimately hard to quibble with, but both had off games. Wynne was out of his depth. TFC have tried to get anything out of him by putting him up front recently. Should not have even been selected.

Pablo Mastroeni, Michael Bradley, Jose Franciso Torres
Torres bailed out on defending the first goal. Mastroeni then fell down. Boom, 1-0. A disastrous start possibly caused because two players who are not used to each other thrown into playing a system they are not familiar with at this level. That's down to coaching and selection.
Torres played very well, once he settled down. At 21, and with only two previous USMNT matches under his belt, he needed that time to settle. Too bad that by the time he did, it was 2-0.
The pairing of Mastroeni and Bradley works best with at least four in the middle. Both are holding/defensive minded and need a sparkling offensive middie to advance the ball. Tonight that should have been Landycakes, but no, Donovan was up top.

Landon Donovan, Clint Dempsey, Jozy Altidore
We love Jozy. He's the Haitian Sensation, after all. But the only playing time he has had in '09 is for the USMNT. Xerez, the second division Spanish club, did not see fit to put him on the pitch. Plus, he just had toe surgery. He should have been, at best, a late sub.
Did Deuce play? No American is more exciting when on his game, nor more frustrating when off. Dempsey, more than most, benefits from good link up play through the midfield. There was no chance of that last night.
Let's face it. Landon is a middling player. He can do wonders, but will also lose the ball from benign defending. At least he didn't blow the PK.

Sacha Kljestan, Freddy Adu, Charlie Davies
Kljestan subbed in for Torres at the half and disappeared. He was winded by the 70th when he meekly let Herrera around him to score the third goal of the night.
Since we have all been following NYK's France reports, we know Adu has not played in forever either. It showed.
Davies has heart, according to Lalas. I just say he is dirty. Should have been sent off within two minutes of being in the pitch for a petulant kick to the nuts.

It's not the end of the world. We probably should not have expected even a point from Costa Rica. The problem is the way the US lost. It was a flat effort of a confused team. Where that blame lies, well, you can probably guess how we feel. This is a team hampered by their own
country's lack of a decent league, by injuries, by inactivity and by the calendar.

Saturday needs to be a bounce back. Three points will put the US halfway home with 10 points. Good, but not great. A draw, and the US is starting to sweat. A loss would mean that the US likely wakes up Thursday in fourth place. I say a loss or a draw and Bradley has to be gone. For now, replacement should be on the table anyway.
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Anyway, those are our collective takes on the game last night. Now, watch out for Bigus to come into the thread and make fun of us all for gnashing our teeth over a loss to Costa Rica. Just remind him of Croatia at Wembley and he might pipe down.

Read more on "What went wrong and why it hurts"...

CL Liveblog: cometh the Tinkerhour, cometh the Tinkerman

Allow me to set the mood for Precious Roy, who shall be doing us all a solid by covering the afternoon's "big" fixture on ESPN2, the one that inexplicably involves Spartak London.

As Autoglass intoned earlier, they're up against the good manager they had before Mourinho, so respect and adulation will be in full effect (until Juve score an away goal, that is).

Will an English side come off good against Serie A yet again?

Oh, and in that other fixture, the failed ex-Spurs manager welcomes the failing Liverpool manager (soon to be ex? Surely not) to the Bernabeu for what promises to be a gripping, thrilling 0-0 draw.

It's the Champions League, take 2. After yesterday, we'll take all the goals we can get.

Fixtures, lineups and Precious Roy's commentary (from kick-off through to the bitter end) after the jump.

LINEUPS FOR THOSE GAMES WE'RE INTERESTED IN

Real Madrid v. Liverpool
Real Madrid: Casillas, Sergio Ramos, Pepe, Cannavaro, Heinze, Robben, Gago, Lassana Diarra, Marcelo, Higuain, Raul.
Subs: Dudek, Saviola, Sneijder, Guti, Metzelder, Miguel Torres, Van der Vaart.

Liverpool: Reina, Arbeloa, Skrtel, Carragher, Aurelio, Benayoun, Alonso, Mascherano, Riera, Torres, Kuyt.
Subs: Cavalieri, Dossena, Hyypia, Gerrard, Babel, Lucas, Ngog.
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Spartak London v. Juventus
Spartak (in a 4-1-2-3): Cech, Bosingwa, Terry, Alex, Ashley Cole, Kalou, Ballack, Lampard, Mikel, Drogba, Anelka.
Subs: Hilario, Ivanovic, Mancienne, Ferreira, Malouda, Di Santo, Stoch.

Juventus (in a catenaccio-inducing 4-4-2): Buffon, Chiellini, Mellberg, Legrottaglie, Molinaro, Nedved, Camoranesi, Sissoko, Tiago, Del Piero, Amauri.
Subs: Manninger, Grygera, Marchionni, Poulsen, Marchisio, Iaquinta, Trezeguet.

And we're live... Okay, someone at ESPN got my note about the weenie techno music. It's gone. Instead our montage features someone who just discovered Trapcode's 'Shine' plug-in. Everything in moderation there, boys.

Oh, and can I add another ESPN-specific comment? Hey guys, go fuck yourselves. All Chelski, all United. It's what we can expect when the 4-letter gets the Prem rights. Not that this is a bad match, but I think the Liverpool v. Real match-up holds a little more intrigue for the impartial fan.

Oh fuck, the crawl is running something called a "Tiger Alert." Big fucking deal. It's golf. The ball isn't moving. Nobody is trying to prevent him from hitting it. If they break the full screen picture at any point to tell me about fucking Tiger Woods I am going to drive to Bristol and vandalize their bike rack.

Secret: I want Del Piero to get a brace. I love that guy. Donadoni lost his job because he didn't love that guy.

The Portabook is the new Sham Wow! Discuss.

NY Kid: You're French, I'm Italian. I think they fully explains our positions on the matter.

Our ref is a Portuguese insurance broker.

Jesus, Juve is as old as Chelsea, aren't they?

Kick

And we're off...

1st minute: Think the ball has hit the ground 3 times in the first 30 seconds.

2nd minute: The mids are jamming each other. Neither team has seen the other's attacking third.

3rd minute: Chelski finally get a deep throw in, but Bosingwa puts too much weight on it and Juve shields it out for a goal kick.

4th minute: Amauri with a nice turn to get some space, but Terry cuts him off and Chelsea come back the other way. Kalou with a shot that is handled by Buffon.

5th minute: Shit... I'm going to have to type Cameronesi a bunch today aren't I? I always fuck it up. I'm sure it's wrong there. He committed a foul anyway.

6th minute: How many times are they going to mention Terry's miss from last season? Juve moving deliberately.

7th minute: Chelsea waste a chance. Chiellini makes a mistake but the deep cross is cleared out, only to be picked up by Ballack who sends it high and wide and nowhere near a threat.

8th minute: Oooh... Bosingwa from the end line with a cross that finds Drogba on the head. Could have easily scored but it goes high and Juve dodge a bit of a buller. First real threat of the match.

10th minute: First bench shot of Guus. Spartak with the balance of possession here. But they are backing up.

11th minute: Long ball in by Terry and on contact Drogba goes down. No penalty. That could have gone either way. There was contact, but Drogba went down too easily.

12th minute: Free kick, Chelski. Lamps kicks it to the... Goal! 1-0 Chelsea.

Okay, the free kick went to the feet of Cameronesi, but Juve didn't clear. Kalou collected it from about 35 out and made a nice feed to Drogba slipping through the defense. Juve held up like he was offsides but nope. He slipped it past Buffon and we're 1-0.

14th minute: Sorry, right on the goal, blogger wants to be slow to load the updated page.

15th minute: Could be 2-0. Okay, Anelka gets in on the left. Mellberg blocks the low shot out ofr a corner. On the corner Drogba gets free and unmarked gets a good header on it that just goes wide of the post left. He could have just as easily buried that. Juve getting toyed with.

17th minute: Juve look like Inter did yesterday in the first have. At least they have the excuse of being on the road.

19th minute: Juve just look lost in the midfield. And their backline is going to get caught pushing high before too long. Showing the replay on the Drogba goal. It was close, but the ref let it go. Sissoko on the other end takes a shot but it never is near on goal sliding low and right and away from danger.

20th minute: Frank makes a shoe change on the fly.

21st minute: Juve almost string together 4 passes. Almost.

22nd minute: Cole with a ball to Ballack but they are on the wrong page and the ball rolls to Buffon. Tommy Smyth just asked "Where's Del Piero?" Oh, and Tiago with a pass to Del Piero almost on cue. It's a good shot that goes just wide of the far post low.

23rd minute: And Juve blows the chance to level on the resulting corner. The ball clears the mass of humanity in the box and falls to Chiellini on the groud at the back post. But he's off balance and can't get a foot it. No soup for him.

24th minute: Juve have shown up finally. Shot (can't see who) sent a rocket that was deflected out for a Juve corner. Terrible corner goes long to Nedved who should have been carded for an intentional hand ball. But no...

26th minute: Some nice work from Drogba in a 1-on-2. He holds it up waiting for Lampard, but Mellberg gets a nice header on it to clear the threat. Good stuff from both teams now as Juve go forward and Chelsea counter.

27th minute: Cech punches out a Juve corner. Ball comes back it. Kalou chases it to midfield but Juve kepp it. And Cole fouls Cameronesi. Juve in the game now.

28th minute: Nice turn by Del Piero to get space. But his shot is maybe one of the 12 worst ever taken in football. Don't think he even hit the corner flag on the far side.

30th minute: Every time Chelsea get a dead ball, Blogger doesn't want to respond to my mouse clicks. Anyway, Spartak wasted a free kick from about 35. It went into the wall.

My clock disappeared so I don't know what minute it is. Nice work ESPN.

32nd minute: Chiellini doing his best to keep the ball in his own end. Spartak with a corner of a deflected shot. Juve's marking and clearance off of corners is really, really bad. Tottenham-esque.

33rd minute: And off another corner there is danger for Juve. But Terry's header is weak and goes right to Buffon. Just an aside... Roman should get wages back from Drogba for the last 6 months of the season because the guy out there today proves that the guy out there before today wasn't giving shit for an effort.

35th minute: Nice touch by Amauri to feed Nedved and Nedved goes down on almost no contact to waste the threat. Ballack gives it back... but Cole steals it and there should have been a foul as he hacked Sissoko. Instead Chelski play it around the Juve box. A couple of nice passes until Juve can get it to play it out. Sissoko still down.

38th minute: Sissoko up and we play on...

39th minute: Chelski holding possession. Some really nice touch passing almost gives a streaking Drogba a shot. Instead the danger is turned away. Cole should get a yellow for hacking Del Piero but he doesn't. Cunt. Cole that is.

41st minute: Chelsea owning possession. Kalou takes the ball on the right and drives deep. He gets a low cross off but it's too deep and collected by Buffon.

42nd minute: Nedved with a weak shot after a bad clearance by Bosingwa. It rolls to Cech and we play on...

43rd minute: Bosingwa trips Nedved. That might have been a card. And now we've got a late but accurate whistle for a hand ball on Drogba. Juve with a free kick from about 22 out.

45th minute: Del Piero kicks it right into the two man wall. Derrick Rae jinxed him by calling Del Piero a 'free kick master' right when he took it. Dick.

1 minute of stoppage time.

+1 minute: Nedved wins a corner and takes it quickly. Cech comes out to make the save. And it's a decent one as there were unmarked Juve players waiting for it.

Half.

And it's another montage with too much of the Shine plug-in. Good to give your video 101 interns a run out. It's the Champions League, how about putting 1/100th the resources to it that you do to trailing A-Rod or Brady?

Unbelievably Juve actually have more possesion. Really?

The more I hear Tommy Smyth, the less I care for him. He was conviced that the goal was the work of Ballack. All he did was gather the deflection and feed it to the top of the box. It wasn't even a good pass. Kalou did all the work to make space and feed Drogba. I don't even have a European accent and I could see that.

Second Half

Kick

46th minute: Good start from Chelsea. Juve can't clear and from 30 out front Ballack fires one that goes wide right.

47th minute: Quickly back the other way and Del Piero's low shot is blocked out by Alex for a Juve corner. Cleared but not out. It comes back in and a header is sent out for another Juve corner.

48th minute: Cameronesi's corner is low and short and toe punched back toward midfield. Sissoko wins a footrace and Juve tunr it back upfield.

49th minute: Nedved with space outside the box takes a long shot with little on it that was never going to bother Cech. That was a bit of a waste. Pavel, don't be a hero.

50th minute: A great cross from Bosingwa finds a streaking Drogba who turns it toward goal with great power but it's wide right. Nice work between the two. Both the feed and the work by Drogba. Cameronesi is grabbing his hammy. Uh oh... Got a change coming for Juve if they can get someone up and ready.

52nd minute: Molinaro gets a yellow. Totally earned. Late and high and studs up he stepped on Mikel. Marchionni on for Cameronesi.

54th minute: Drop ball. Not sure why. Thought Alex fouled someone. Huh...

55th minute: Drogba in the box. Cheillini with the challenge. He barely gets near him and Down Goes Didier, Down Goes Didier... No call. And no call was the right call. Drogba pitches a fit.

56th minute: Juve a bit sloppy. But Chelsea can't take advantage. Cole takes down Del Piero. No call.

57th minute: Chelsea corner: Lampard. Juve can't clear it. After some slop it finds Lampard who kicks it to Buffon. Ballack cleats Nedved in the knee as things were headed the other way and he gets a yellow for that foul.

59th minute: Terry with a push. Nice job. Free kick to Juve from 45.

60th minute: And Cech makes a mess of it almost to the point of getting a penalty as he took out Amauri(I think). That was really bad by Cech. Tiago looks hurt no, so he's coming off after a collision with one of his own players. Despite looking less crisp, Juve not without chances.

62nd minute: Marchionni with a blast that goes past the far post by just a couple of feet. More pressure from Juve.

64th minute: Juve with more possession. But not pressing much with it. Long ball goes to Cech harmlessly and he collects it.

65th minute: For someone on a yellow, Ballack, that's a fucking stupid foul. You got zero ball and all ankle.

66th minute: All kinds of space for the kids in blue, but Kalou is offside.

67th minute: Chelsea is starting to look a step slower, but Juve doing nothing to take advantage. Kalou offsides again. Flag was slow to go up.

68th minute: Amauri's header falls to Nedved who takes another shitty shot. Marchionni gets it back in to the box twice. The second feed goes toward the top of the box but Del Piero can't get to it to keep the pressure on for Juve.

70th minute: Kalou with a cross into the box. Drogba was free but the ball went right to Buffon.

72nd minute: Sorry, after a crowd shot of Bob Geldof's doppelganger I made a joke that blogger didn't like so it fed me a few errors. We missed a Juve corner and Amauri just made a run in deep on the right. Alex cleared it for a corner.

Oh and Malouda came on for Kalou.

74th minute: Bosingwa with a low cross in punhced away. Mikel gets in on Amauri and it's a free kick to Juve.

75th minute: That last bit probably didn't make sense. Mikel fouled Amauri... Chelsea on a break. Anelka chips it from the center to Malouda. It goes off him and past the end line. Goal kick taken by Buffon.

77th minute: Ballack with a second bit of play that was kind of rought for someone on a yellow. Didn't even draw a look from the ref though. Alex fouls Amauri and the ball goes of Ballack who appears to be giving a bear hug to someone. Really, let me say this a 3rd time because he's not playing like someone on a yellow.

78th minute: Sissoko splits two Chelsea defenders, gets taken down and earns a free kick. Del Piero has been shite on the free kicks. Flag was up anyway.

80th minute: Cole with a great ball to Lampard. He picks out Anelka on the right who crosses it in. Bad job by Le Sulk. Drogba was open but the ball missed him by plenty.

Mancienne in for Chelsea. Ballack off. Good move by Guss. Ballack is tired and he's playing reckless on a yellow.

82nd minute: Yellow for Sissoki. Deserved. He chopped someone... could tell because I was checking out the comments where I got shredded for picking Sporting against Munich. Drogba again takes a dive. Chiellini got him shoulder to shoulder. Was probably a bit of a risk, but that wasn't a PK's worth.

84th minute: So, 180 minutes of liveblogging and I'm going to get 1 fucking goal for my efforts. Thanks Champions League. What the fuck...

Also, is someone else cleaning up behind me and editing? I keep getting duplicate edit errors.

86th minute: Trezeguet on. Sissoko off.

87th minute: Oooh... Anelka from way out almost beats Buffon to the far post. THat was a rocket from about 25-plus. Really, nice by Le Sulk. Then on the other side Trezeguet can't get a good foot on it from the edge of the box. Both teams with chances. Still 1-0.

88th minute: I'm going with Nedved and Amauri as the biggest disappoitments of the match. Nedved's work rate has been good, but his touches have been disastrous. Juve chasing the game. Drogba with a ball from Lamps and he gets in the box and he doesn't go down. That's a mild surprise.

90th minute: Marchisio with an easy yellow on an intentional hand ball to stop a Chelsea break as Juve are pushing people forward.

Three minutes of stoppage time.

90 +2: Chelsea playing possession. Nice work by Amauri to keep the ball for Juve. They earn a free kick.

Juve get two good balls in the air but can't get a head on the end of eithe one. Nervy moments for Chelsea, then they break and have the advantage... It's snuffed out. Second left.

Oh, and Nedved with a deflected ball that JUST misses the right post. Then the ref fucking blows the call and gives a goal kick to Chelski. How did they not see the deflection of Alex. Juve robbed of at least a corner. Almost disaster as it was as Nedved's shot went just wide.

Full time. Spartak London 1 - Juventus 0

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Champions League Draw Contest

The draw for the knock out stages of the Champions League is Friday. So this is the chance for you to use your powers of Kreskin and let us milk some free content out it.

What could be more win-win?

Plenty. But we're still going to have a contest because few things in life rival the joy of watching old white guys watch some stage candy pull ping pong balls from a bin. So pick the most pairs correctly and you can win your very own post on Unprofessional Foul.

Groups and rules after the jump.

Group Winners: AS Roma (ITA), Panathanaikos (GRE), FC Barcelona (ESP), Liverpool FC (ENG), FC Bayern Munich (GER), FC Porto (POR), Juventus (ITA), Manchester United (ENG)

Group Runners-Up: Chelsea FC (ENG), FC Internazionale Milano (ITA), Sporting Club de Portugal (POR), Atletico Madrid (ESP), Villarreal CF (ESP), Olympique Lyonnais (FRA), Arsenal FC (ENG), Real Madrid (ESP).


Clubs from the same association must not be drawn against each other (e.g. EPL teams can't draw each other). The winners and runners-up of the same group must not be drawn against each other (i.e. you can't draw the team from your group).

For example, Barcelona can't be drawn against Atletico Madrid, Villarreal, or Real Madrid (same association—La Liga); or Sporting (runner-up from same group).

Here's the boring minutiae from the UEFA Website:

Under the draw procedure, eight blue balls containing the names of the group runners-up are placed in a bowl. A first ball is drawn from the bowl containing the group runners-up. The team drawn is placed as the home team of match 1. In accordance with the conditions of the draw, the computer will then show which group winners are eligible to play the runners-up of match 1. A bowl will be prepared with white balls containing the names of the group winners which are eligible to be drawn against the runners-up of match 1. A ball will be drawn from this bowl to complete the pairing of match 1. The team drawn is placed as the visiting team of match 1. This procedure is repeated for the remaining matches. If the computer indicates that only one group winner can be drawn, there will be no draw.

Great, now if you want to replicate the process at home, all you need are some blue balls.

Anyway, we're not even certain how we are going to break ties for our contest. We like making shit up as we go along. It gives us the latitude to be arbitrary. One thing is certain, you get no credit for predicting that Arsenal draw Barcelona, as that one is pretty much a metaphysical certainty.

The only tip I can offer is to maybe sing the Champions League anthem in your head when you are making your picks. So, pair away, put your guesses in the comments. We'll close the contest Thursday and have a winner posted after the draw.

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Maybe It's Because We Use the F-Word Too Much

Well the results are in. And we lost. Woo hoo!

Oh wait, losing is bad, isn't it?

It appears that, despite our parents telling us otherwise, we are not actually the Best Soccer Blog. US Soccer announced the winners of its 2008 Best of... and we ain't on it. The sadness is almost palpable.

U.S. Soccer has announced the first four winners of the 2008 Best of U.S. Soccer Awards following nearly three weeks of fan voting online at ussoccer.com. Fans can view a special episode of Studio 90 on ussoccer.com, where the winners for Best Soccer Specialty Store, Best Soccer Bar, Best Soccer Blog and Best Fan Photo are revealed. Studio 90 will be back throughout the week, as eight more winners are set to be unveiled.

If that Studio 90 is anything like a special episode of "Facts of Life" I'm not sure I could in good conscious recommend you watch that. Really, I'm never going to be able to scrub that image of Natalie having sex from my cerebellum.

As far as we're concerned, the only result that matters is for Best Soccer Blog. And that fucking honor goes to Soccer By Ives. So congratulations Ives. If we've learned anything, it's that we'll have to redouble our ballot-stuffing efforts next year. Either that or be better.

To our readers who voted for us, well, we can't thank you enough. It tickles us to no end that you click over to our site on a daily basis or thereabouts. And it tickles us even more that Mike Georger feels compelled to comment on every thread. Here's to hoping that more of you join him.

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Lazy Sunday, with a liveblog assist

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Spartak London!

Man, it's happening.

Not much on the slate today, although the last time we said that we got Villa v. Everton, so low volume doesn't mean low quality. Juventus and Milan square off with second place at stake for one (or both with a draw). Similarly Villarreal can jump into second in La Liga with a win over fourth place Sevilla.

Newcastle is about to finish off Portsmouth and, as I type this, Chievo Verona pulls one back from Inter. And because we're the only people checking the scores, Yasuhito Endo's 23rd minute goal held up as Gamba Osaka topped United in the Club World Cup (and a rematch of the AFC Champions League final). Unfortunately it was only Adelaide United. Without looking at anything for reference we think that leaves Osaka, Pachuca, Quito and Manchester United.

Play along in the comments if you have no life. Not judging. We apparently don't either (especially as we're about to liveblog this thing, courtesy of LB. Sad git).

Yep, why not join the game 25 minutes in to liveblog the festivities? Spartak have looked good thus far, but Upson, Noble and Parker are more than up for the task. Heck, just two weeks ago they had to contain the might and fury of Steven Gerrard, so dealing with Lampard, Deco and Ballack should be no big thing.

With Mike Riley as ref, you can be assured of controversy. This is shaping up quite well thus far.

STARTING LINEUPS:
Spartak London: Cech, Bosingwa, Alex, Terry, Ashley Cole, Mikel, Deco, Ballack, Lampard, Joe Cole, Anelka.
Subs: Hilario, Ivanovic, Drogba, Bridge, Ferreira, Kalou, Belletti.

West Ham: Green, Neill, Upson, Davenport, Ilunga, Collison, Parker, Noble, Behrami, Bellamy, Cole.
Subs: Lastuvka, Boa Morte, Mullins, Faubert, Tristan, Di Michele, Sears.

27 mins: Another attack from Spartak ends up with a corner off Ilunga. Spartak's passing has been sharp, but the tackling in the middle from the Hammers is ferocious. Lamps tries a shot from 30 yards, but it's resoundingly blocked and deflected out for a throw. Ball comes in again and Upson clears their lines.

Zola did get a good reception at the beginning. One wonders if they'll be as warm to him at the end if the result is anything other than a Spartak win.

Andy Gray does point out that for all the possession and build-up, Spartak haven't had a clear shot on goal yet. For half an hour in, the Hammers must be ecstatic.

30 mins: Ilunga gets a sniff of space in the Spartak box, and Joe Cole tracks back to knock it out for a corner. It's boomed in but easily cleared by Ashley Cole. A bit of ping-pong in the midfield sees the ball lumped forward to Noble, but he's 5 yards offside.

31 mins: Bright first half-hour for both sides. West Ham are finding some confidence in midfield, and Ilunga the volleyball specialist (see: last three weeks) has found some room out on the left. Some neat interplay between Deco and Anelka breaks to Bosingwa on the right wing. His trickery under pressure from Behrami finds Joe Cole in the middle, but they can't get a shot off.

Bosingwa has a crack from 30 yards but it drifts wide of the post. West Ham breathe again, and Green takes the goal-kick.

33 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL at the Shed End, and Chelsea's legion start hounding Mike Riley. Terry is first out there -- an innocuous throw-in on the left comes to Noble, who shoulders it down on the touchline and feeds Bellamy at the edge of the 6-yard box. He chests it down and thumps it low to Cech's right and just inside the near post. Chelsea appeal for two handballs, but upon replay, neither was illegal. Spartak London 0, West Ham 1

36 mins: How will the Blues respond? Plenty of midfield possession and the Hammers are continuing to throw two men at any Spartak player who has the ball. This is shaping up to be a frustrating afternoon for the home side, especially as Ashley Cole leaps two-footed at Scott Parker as he's clearing the ball. Yellow card for Ashley, and another breather for the Hammers. Less than 10 minutes to half-time.

38 mins: Bellamy has really started to look dangerous over the last month. His hard work wins a corner. Spartak clear it and try to break, but the Hammers get 9 behind the ball and advantage lost. Davenport clears a deep cross from Bosingwa, and the Hammers defense looks strong.

40 mins: Carlton Cole (the third Cole on the pitch at the moment) gets booked, and the free-kick is headed over by Ballack. Drogba's warming up already...

To answer your question, Spectator, yes, Scolari was in hospital with kidney stones yesterday, although one must think that watching ones team struggle at home to the Hammers and being a goal down against the run of play is far more painful than passing calcium deposits through ones urethra.

42 mins: The pressure continues... deep cross again from the right side that brings Green out to punch it clear. West Ham break but Cole coughs it up and Spartak surge forward again. Real end-to-end stuff at the moment. Joe Cole gets a yard of space cutting in from the left, but his scuffed shot is always heading wide of the post. A break again, and Green hoofs the ball well downfield.

45 mins: The crowd is getting a touch restless. I'd expect Didier to come on to start the second half.

Slight chance for Spartak: a couple of blocked shots break to Anelka who tries a shot from the top of the box, but Upson and Davenport throw themselves in the way, taking the sting off it and Green collects safely.

Bellamy ends up in the book for a trip, and Chelsea's latest romp down the left wing ends up safely in Green's hands again.

HALF TIME: Spartak London 0, West Ham 1
Boos from the crowd as he blows the whistle. Bellamy gets in Riley's grill as they trudge off, moaning about his yellow card, and Lucas Neill diffuses the celebration.

What will Big Phil do in the dressing room? Surely Didier on immediately... any other changes? They've looked rather timid moving forward -- tons of possession, but no real shots on goal. Troubling for Autoglass and Scolari. They need points, especially as everyone else dropped 'em yesterday.

Don't forget to stay tuned at 1pm as Sven liveblogs the NCAA Men's Final (and fulfills our US Soccer content for another month in the process. I kid, I kid.)
--
Drogba on for Ballack. He receives some mild applause as he enters the fray, and it looks like Spartak are going to play a 4-3-3 with Joe Cole playing forward with Didier and Nicolas.

47 mins: My feed is skipping a bit, but the stage is set for a solid 2nd half. The Hammers will likely park the bus, and it's up to Spartak to force a way through. Wouldn't fancy it on the strength of Neill, Upson and Davenport back there, who have been positively epic for West Ham of late. A Spartak corner is headed clear by Carlton Cole, and West Ham try and break. Lampard breaks it up, and the attack begins again.

49 mins: Spartak are passing quickly, but not accurately, and the Hammers break again. Behrami finds Noble, who ends up slowing things down and Collison will just enjoy a game of passing with Upson and get it back to Robert Green. I smell a sending-off in the second half...

51 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL... and I'm sad to report it's Spartak. Anelka is all smiles as Drogba finds Lampard, whose sublime flick frees Anelka to slot it home. We're set for a pulsating 40 minutes... Spartak 1, West Ham 1

55 mins: The crowd is in full song (sorry for being vague, the video is skipping), but West Ham are still finding space moving forward. There are more goals in this one. Spartak open up West Ham down the middle and it needs a last-second tackle to stop Joe Cole. Spartak attack again, and a poor clearing header breaks to Lampard whose half-volley ends up in Green's arms. Didier's presence has completely turned the game around, and in just 10 minutes!

58 mins: Bit of tension as Drogba tumbles to the floor clutching his knee, West Ham don't kick the ball out so he can get treatment, then Spartak break and shoot from which West Ham break again, and NOW Scolari gets aggressive in begging for the Hammers to kick it out. You can't attack and then ask the other team to be sporting. Lampard wellies it miles wide of goal from 30 yards and Didier finally gets the magic spray.

59 mins: Lots of room in the midfield for both teams now. Lampard advances and shoots from 25 yards, blocked easily, and the Hammers manage to get it away. More goals imminent, surely.

60 mins: It's all Spartak now. Bosingwa's had four or five crosses in the last 60 seconds, and West Ham are having troubling getting the ball over the halfway line. It's like watching a hockey team play with a man up, knocking the ball around and dictating play. Joe Cole cuts inside Ilunga and Parker has to lunge in and knock the ball out for a corner. It's easily cleared by Upson and West Ham will try and retain possession for more than 15 seconds.

62 mins: Spartak surge again, but that pairing of Noble and Parker aren't worn out just yet. Don't forget to attack, Zola!

64 mins: Scrappy in the midfield and the tackles are coming in thick and fast. Lampard fouls Noble, only for Parker to return the favour. Spartak move forward again. Lampard and Deco link up, but Deco's pass wide to Bosingwa is easily intercepted by Noble.

66 mins: Lamps has a crack from 25 yards, swerving and bouncing in front of Green, but he manages to collect on the rebound. Bellamy breaks but gives it up easily, and now Spartak break. Drogba looks for Anelka but can't get through Lucas Neill. A breather for the Hammers, who get down the left-wing with Ilunga. His cross drifts harmlessly wide for a goal kick.

67 mins: Free-kick for Spartak is floated in. Alex flicks it back into the box, it's half-cleared, and Alex's shot is deflected out for a corner. Lamps swings it in to Drogba, whose volley is well-saved at the near post. Lucas Neill was Drogba's marker, but fell asleep on the job. Deco gets a shot that ends up deflected over for another corner. West Ham try and break through Bellamy.

69 mins: Trouble for Carlton Cole, who bundles Alex down and has a poke at John Terry who is all over him from the ground. Riley calls him over, but no second yellow. He remains on for now.

70 mins: West Ham are still happy to attack, which is good for the entertainment value and good for Spartak on the break. Collison's cross is headed clear, but nothing comes at the other end. Carlton Cole eludes four tackles to spring Bellamy free on the left, and his speculative cross/shot ends up well wide. Still, they're not parking the bus. 20 minutes left. A draw seems like a fair result thus far. The Drogba effect has calmed down, and the last 5 minutes has been all Hammers.

First sub for WHU: Hayden Mullins on, Mark Noble off. One tough tackler for another, and Noble's just coming back from injury.

73 mins: Both sides are cooling off somewhat after the frantic opening to the 2nd half. West Ham attack again, but like Spartak, their final pass is rather woeful.

Deco's deflected shot ends up in Green's hands under pressure from Ashley Cole.

Sub for Chelsea: Joe Cole off, Salomon Kalou on.

77 mins: The crowd is in full voice, but the game is winding down a little. Terry and Bellamy get into a ballyhoo at the Spartak end, and they're still arguing with one another. I pray for a full-on fist fight.

79 mins: More Spartak pressure: Deco wins a corner, Green almost blunders on the corner and forces Parker to leap and head off the line, and then Green saves beautifully from Drogba's shot. Panic averted as Spartak give away a free kick.

Another Chelsea sub: Mikel off, Belletti on. Are they hoping for another 35-yard wonder goal from the defensive midfielder?

80 mins: Can the Hammers hold? (My fucking video feed has frozen again... c'mon c'mon c'mon work, you bastard)

The Hammers surge forward again, and Bellamy's cross gets cleared by Terry, Belletti and Alex as Cole is all alone in the box. West Ham retain possession and whip in another cross from the right, but it's deflected behind for a corner.... Bellamy to take...

... it's easily cleared. A point would be fair for both sides at this point. 8 minutes left plus stoppage time.

84 mins: Kalou heads for goal from the edge of the box, and unsurprisingly, it ends up a mile wide.

85 mins: Bellamy won't stop running nor arguing. He's in some good form, but his speculative run down the left ends in a goal-kick, but not before the tiny Welshman yells at Cech and Alex for reasons we'll never know. As Andy Gray states: "he could start an argument in an empty house." Well played, Mr. Gray. Well played.

Sub for West Ham: Boa Morte on, Collison off.

90 mins + 1: Sorry, my feed went dead and I had to switch. Three minutes of stoppage time left and the Hammers come agonizingly close to a winner. Carlton Cole gets an inch between Alex and scuffs a shot goalbound, but Cech gets down to it low to his right and holds. Spartak break but Drogba can't handle the cross and Green collects. Nervous times for both sides right at the death. Two minutes left.

90 mins + 2: Lamps should have done better with his cross, as it ends up safely in Green's hands. Spartak throw everyone forward and each time, West Ham clear it right back down to Cech. Can they hold?

Spartak are peppering crosses into the box, but Upson and Neill are clearing everything.

Late time-sapping sub for the Hammers: Bellamy off, Di Michele on.

Green clears again and Upson brings it down the left wing. Surely that's it...

... Drogba has space but is blocked by Neill, and as West Ham jog back upfield, Riley blows the whistle.

FULL TIME: Spartak London 1, West Ham 1
A fair result for both sides, and a good result for those teams around Spartak in the EPL hunt. All the Big 4 drew this weekend; whoever said this league was predictable should amend their judgment now.

Stick around for the NCAA Men's Soccer Final, as liveblogged by Sven!

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Whoa, Whoa... You Mean They Play Football in Someplace Besides England?

Pretty much the only thing supporters of the Big 4 in England will agree on right now is that nobody wants a piece of Barcelona in the Champions League. And for Thirdsenal and Spartak London, it's a very real Round of 16 possibility.

FC Barcelona is a fucking machine right now. Okay, not a literal fucking machine (which I've recently learned do in fact exist (and NOT EVEN CLOSE TO SAFE FOR WORK))... Where was I? Oh, El Clasico. Today is Crayola's dream match up of the Blaugrana and the Meringues.

Barcelona comes in as easily the best team in Europe (okay, we might entertain an argument for Inter, but not really), and Lionel Messi looks the best player on the planet. He's ever bit a good on the ball as Ronaldo but has the bonus feature of being able to stay upright.

Real Madrid stumbles into today's match an absolute mess. They are 2-3-1 in their last six La Liga matches, including a lifeforce-draining loss last week to Sevilla where they rallied from 3-0 down to tie, only to see Arjen Robben get sent off before conceding the loser in the dying moments.


But after firing Bernd Schuster earlier in the week, Real Den Haag—and feel free to pilfer that one—brought in Juande Ramos, the man who guided Tottenham to the Carling Cup last season before piloting them straight into the relegation zone to start this season. He got shit-canned out of White (S)Hart Lane but Ramos was able to get a convincing 3-0 Champions League win over Zenit St. Petersburg, in a match that proved to be utterly meaningless. Now he'll face an actual opponent.

If you are an impartial viewer this is a 'no lose' watch. If Barca totally outclasses Madrid, they probably won't let up and will put a dismantling for the ages on them. Barca are probably looking for a bit of revenge from last season, and they know that with a win tomorrow today (Oops, I shouldn't future post) they can effectively kill any chance of Madrid winning La Liga. If Madrid wins, it'll will be an absolute shocker (the match is at the Camp Nou). Anything close and this has the capacity to be a harbinger of the apocalypse. Isn't hyperbole awesome?

If I can subtract from 12, kickoff seems to be at 4 on the East Coast. Find a bar with GolTV and start drinking. Heavily. Might I recommend Voll-Damm (as in Fall Down) if they serve it anyplace here in the US?

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Coming Soon: Blaugrana West?

If reports are to be believed, FC Barcelona will be tossing its proverbial hat into the ring for the chance to land an MLS expansion team. There had been rumors of this previously, but it appears legit now as The Miami Herald is now reporting that they will indeed buy an MLS lotto ticket.

From the Herald:

Barcelona announced on its website that it would partner with Miami resident Marcelo Claure, a Bolivian cellphone magnate and owner of FC Bolivar, to launch a team in Miami. Claure is the CEO of Brightstar Communications, a multibillion-dollar company that is one of the largest Hispanic-owned businesses in the United States. Joan Laporta, president of Barcelona, and Joan Oliver, the club's general director, plan to be in Miami Wednesday to present their plans.

First, are they many phrases more intrinsically entertaining than "Bolivian cellphone magnate"? Second, a Spanish team with global appeal opening up a subsidiary in a market full of latinamericanousness, this seems like a no-brainer, right?

Not so fast, mi amigo.

Remember Miami already had an MLS team, the Fusion. They closed up shop in 2001, along with their Floridian brethren the Tampa Bay Mutiny, as MLS contracted from 12 to 10 teams. And even though the league is seemingly on better financial footing, attendance levels are only now back up to what they were during the league's inaugural season. Plus, if Miami does get a team, it will be in 2011, after 2 other cities (in Seattle 2009, and Philadelphia 2010) have jumped in to dilute the talent pool. That's a problem for whoever gets bids, though, as a two team expansion in 2011 is happening.

But maybe South Florida just ain't the sports hotbed that people want it to be. Of the 10 Sports Franchises Most Likely to Move as ranked by Forbes, two of them, the Rays and the Marlins, are in the region.

The Marlins were drawing crowds in the hundreds despite being on the fringe of the playoff race into September. And the Rays made the playoffs and still can't sell out. Even of the area teams that didn't make the Forbes list, the gate ain't great. The Florida Panthers draw 28th out of 30 in the NHL and the FBI is starting to relocate witnesses to Heat games.

So whether the jackpot is really worth winning for Miami remains to be seen.

TFA UPDATE: The Offside Rules had a post recently regarding the potential situs of Miami's stadium. It's a neat little stadium with retractable seating to fit soccer fields better. Although, it is not soccer specific as MLS desires, but given the current economic climate, probably isn't a bad deal to begin with.

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USMNT v. T&T: Livebloggamy

The US should net 3 or 4 and hold Trinidad and Tobago to 0 or 1. And the fact that's pretty much a consensus amongst people that consensutize these things, it makes me a little nervous. More nerving is Bob Bradley's über-conservative approach to World Cup qualifying.

Still, at home and against a weaker opponent (although one with decidedly more rhythm) anything less than 3 points would be bad. Really, really bad.

Come back at kick and play along.

T-minus 10: I'm eating.

T-minus however much bullshit pregame is on ESPN: Done eating. I'll go get the starting XIs. And all right... We get some Shaka Hislop. That should liven things up in the booth.

Tim Howard
Carlos Bocanegra, Oguchi Onyewu, Steve Cherundolo, Heath Pearce,
Michael Bradley, Sacha Kljestan, DaMarcus Beasley, Clint Dempsey, Landon Donovan
Brian Ching

[Not certain if that's a 4-5-1 or a 4-3-3 with Dempsey and Donovan joining Ching up top. I'm guessing it's not]

T&T

Marvin Phillip
Akile Edwards, Osei Telesford, Keyeno Thomas, Cyd Gray, Makan Hislop
Clyde Leon, Carlos Edwards, Densill Theobald, Keon Daniel
Cornell Glen

Anthems. Would have thought T&T's would have had a little more bass. And some kind of a beat.

Ford Field looks all sparkly. Sorry, inside joke. Looks like kind of a weak crowd. See lots of empty seats in the upper deck.

Oh, fuck. They're going to bring 9/11 into this. Fuck you ESPN and Disney. And that's followed-up by a Marines commercial. You know if we were playing Afghanistan, I'd be okay with this, but we're not. In fact T&T is probably the opposite of Afghanistan... if countries can have opposites.

Kick.

1st minute: ESPN has perfected a graphic that obscures the upper left corner of the screen. Nice.

2nd minute: Beasley offside on a ball across the pitch. US controlling possession early.

3rd minute: Had two players in naked on a ball from 25 out, but both were offside. Hey, at this rate we'll rack up 60 offsides calls.

5th minute: First counter from T&T. Play down the left and Pearce comes out with it. US working back through the midfield. Lots of room. Now pushing forward the US is. Yoda I've become.

6th minute: A good two years behind everything, the US fans have started chanting "7 Nation Army." Stop, please. Thank you. T&T with possession in the midfield. First free kick of the game here. About 30 yards out from center right. Shot goes to the far post by no Soca Warriors in the zip code and Howard goes to his knees to grab it.

8th minute: Kind of tuned out from teh commentary, but did they say that John Terry scored the last goal against the US? That would be wrong.

9th minute; GOAL! Donovan from a set piece to Bradley. Bradley put a foot on it and redirected it back to the back post. Pretty. By the way... on replay that looked like it MIGHT have been offsides.

12th minute: Oh so close. Couldn't see who that was, but that could have easily been 2-0. I haven't livebogged since the Euro. I've forgotten that typing and watching takes some skill and a second pair of eyes. I have neither. Anyway, I missed all the action. Only saw the keeper flying out and the ball flying someplace besides on goal.

13th minute: Does Stern John still play anywhere? Who's the other T&T player I'm trying to think of? Played at United. Brainfaring. Long ball went too long from the US. Goal kick for T&T.

16th minute: We've got a piper diwn. Ack... very little contact from Ching. Maybe a touch of the cleat. Get up you pansy. Anyway, the US is dominating play in the midfield with all kinds of space to operate in. They'd be wise to start marking tighter or trying to shut down the passing lanes.

18th minute: GOAL. 2-0 US. Beasley with a nice little through ball to Dempsey, who was totally onside (Ching was off). Dempsey had the keeper beat before he put his foot to it. Good finishing. Nice play. (And Ian, England can only put a donkey stomp on teams when they are a man up, at even strength they are still a mediocre side... Plus they were probably trying to throw the game to get the World Cup vote).

21st minute: Ooh, the keeper Philip kind of threw his legs over Donovan as he came out to make a play on a ball in the box. They gonna card Landon? Nope. Keeper is up. Play on. Well, play on from the dead ball. T&T coming into the midfield and they are really struggling to get into the attacking third.


23rd minute: A little more possession from T&T. But it's not very productive possession. Ugh... then they just give it away. I like a pasting every now and then, but I like a competitive pasting better. Come on Soca Warriors (bang, bang), put up more of a fight.

25th minute: That's two straight giveaways from Ching.... oh, and a long ball. Donovan settles. Handball? Nope. And he can't control it anyway.

26th minute: Back to Ching. I really like Brian Ching. Think he's an upper-tier MLS striker, but at the international level, he's not going to scare anyone outside of CONCACAF. He's just not. Ever. So why not bring in Altidore and let him play with an experienced supporting midfield? If we have any hopes in South Africa, it's going to rest on those kids. Let's get them the experience.

28th minute: During my pontificating, Ching and Donovan both got in alone on goal, but it was offside. Now to Beasley down the left. He cuts inside and fires low, but it goes into the side netting.

29th minute: Case in point. Donovan put it right on Brian Ching's waistline and Ching does nothing with it except let it deflect of his nads and into Marvin Phillip's hands. Should have been a goal.

31st minute: Beasley upset. He was tripped up and the ball went over the endline from the T&T player's foot, but a GK was called. Bad call. Beasley was right to whinge.

32nd minute: Cyd Gray on the right is the only player from T&T earning his pay for the night on defense so far. And I love his name. So I shall call him El Cyd from now on.

34th minute: You know, Onyewu and Bocanegra are a dynamite defending tandem when nobody is mounting an attack. I need a toothpick. Be right back.

37th minute: Duh... Dwight Yorke. That's who I was trying to remember. Stupid me. US playing a lot of long balls and it's working with the space T&T is giving. It would never work against a Top 20 international side.

39th minute: And Beasley can't finish a sitter. Good thing he was offside to spare himself the humiliation. It was a good ball from the right side between the 18 and the 6 through to Beasley coming in on the left hand side. He just mistimed the run.

41st minute: T&T is just giving it away. Really. They'll put together about 3 or 4 passes then just send it to a white shirt wihtout making him work for it. The US is in white by the way. Corner for T&T cleared. On the break, the US counters. Dempsey... And he goes down. No call?

42nd minute: Still waiting for a replay. Haven't seen one. That probably should have been a PK. Hislop just said he thinks the Jamaican res if pro-T&T. I appreciate that kind of candor in my color commentary.

43rd minute: Donovan with a great run on the right from a long feed out of midfield. He crosses it but Beasley can't get a good foot on it to threaten goal. Ball is deflected wide left before the US can re-mount the threat.

45th minute: Dempsey pulled down. No call. Starting to think Hislop is on to something. 1 minute stoppage time. US gives the ball away in midfield. T&T gives it back. How nice. Howard clears the ball played back. Think the US defense played it back just to make sure Howard wasn't sleeping.

Half. 2-0. US.

Well in the interest of finishing what I started... The second half is moments away. Just found out that Wreckless Eric is in town on Sunday (with Amy Rigby... think they might be married now), anyway, slightly stoked about that.

Kick... And we're back

46th minute: Hey a shot from T&T. It's from 35 out and it's no where near a threat but it's a shot, I believe their first of the game. Ching is slow to get up in midfield behind the play. He's limping.

47th minute: Corner for T&T. Good service. Deflected up. Now to the top of the box. Still a threat. T&T can't control it and an errant leg sends an errant ball someplace errant. US now in midfield. The good news is that the Soca Warriors have some fight in them and we might get some action on both ends this half.

49th minute: Daniel with a great cross, but the only person in red in the box can't get on the end of it. Cleared by the US. Corner.

50th minute: Corner comes in... and goes out. And results in another corner. Again. And another... Oh wait, this last one was a throw. El Cyd lost it and the US takes a throw, then turns it over. Ugh, this is not pretty from the US. But credit T&T for getting forward and putting pressure on the 'Mericans.

51st minute: Daniel with a free kick. Goes in low to the first line of US defense just inside the 18. No threat to Howard. T&T with a throw in.

53rd minute: T&T with another good cross blocked out by Onyewu, but about the 5th corner for T&T. And Cherundolo saved a goal. GREAT play on the line. From a header off the corner Howard was beat. Steve-O saved it at the post.

55th minute: US with a beauty counter Dempsey to Donovan to Ching and Ching can't finish the cross again. Donovan put it right at his foot. There were a couple of defenders but Ching should have done more with that. More pressure from T&T back the other way.

56th minute: The US can't buy a call, and considering this is a third world ref that should be cheap and easy to do. Uhp... and I stand corrected Edwards gets a yellow for T&T on what looked clean.

57th GOAL 3-0. From the deadball, Beasley sends it in. Onyewu got a head on it and the keeper failed to collect it. Ching was there to tap it into an empty net (although it looked like he was offside... but no flag).

59th minute: Yellow to Cherundolo. Now T&T with another yellow. This one on Leon for a hard challenge on Donovan. And did the ref just give one to Beasley too? Cards are flying.

60th minute: GOa... Nope. T&T offside. Too bad. They should have scored there. Okay, could not should, but great chance at least forced a save from Howard.

62nd minute: Cherundolo gets free on the right, then lofts one tall enough to clear the Hancock Tower. Get it, Chicago... Hancock. Okay stupid. And the US blew another chance while I was being stupid. Loose rebound in the box. Nobody could poke it away. Decent save from Marvin Philip.

65th minute: Ricardo Clarke (sp?) and Eddie Johnson are both up. So maybe some changes coming.

67th minute: And Clark comes in for the coach's kid. And Johnson for Ching. Important minutes for Johnson here. He needs to show some decent form.

68th minute: Long ball into the box for T&T. Cornell gets a head to it. It goes over the bar. Howard doesn't need to make a save, but it keeps him alert. The liveblog is probably better if I publish my updates. Stupid me.

70th minute: Pace is slowing. US in no hurry to do anything. T&T is not forcing them to do anything. Teams exchange a little possession, then the US gets forward. Beasley can't find Johnson. Well, he found him, he just failed to get him the ball.

Sorry... answering texts. Nothing of consequence happened anyway.

75th minute: Cornell Glen is down for T&T. So Yorke is still playing for the national team, he just didn't come in from Sunderland. First they've mentioned of it.

78th minute: Dempsey off. Eddie Lewis on.

80th minute: Lewis with a ball in. Corner US. Apparently this is our first of the match. Really? Clark with a good header. Almost looked like a handball on T&T to stop it.

82nd minute: And Johnson thwarted twice from inside the 8... Ack. He needs to get off the schnide. But to no avail.

83rd minute: Much sloppier in the midfield from the US. A little more pressure on the back from T&T and we're not super solid. The scoresheet is going to look really good, but there will be plenty to coach from in the second half. Wonder if it will be coached. This is CONCACAF. We can get sloppy and not be punished and we can go a whole qualifier without our backline having to prove much.

85th minute: Ball to Glen. But the space is shut down and he's got no place to go with it. He had a step where, if he had been decisive, he might have had a play, but it was shut down. Bummer for T&T. They've played much better in the second half. Be nice if they got something out of it.

87th minute: This chant is annoying. But, the fact that we have a crowd that will sing anything this long (they've been at it for like 20 minutes if not more) is kind of a positive. T&T into the US third... then they give it away. Too much of that. They need better linkage out of the midfield.

90th minute: Glen with a ball at the top of the box... Oh, almost got it to Leon. He would have been in alone, but Bocanegra (maybe) got a foot on it. And we're into stoppage time.

+2 minutes: Another almost for the US. To a corner. Then a ball to Donovan. Cleared for another corner. Apparently Eddie Johnson was offside. Really? Not sure how. T&T with some passing on some tight marking. The US is working to keep the clean sheet.

Whistle. Final. 3-0. Really solid in the first half. Less so in the second. But a solid win and we're on 9 points out of 9 possible.

Thanks for playing along people. This weekend the EPL returns (Suck it, Barclays). Yeah.

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Imperialist Swine Inept Against Representatives for Workers Paradise

Or something like that. But according to Cuba, the USMNT were failures in their World Cup qualifier against the island nation and only Mother Nature could even muster a threat to the team. Of course according to Cuba it's also 2007.

The pic above is a screenshot in case Pravda The Cuban News Agency gets hip to what year we're in. Or maybe in their version of history, there is a Year Zero, so it really is 2007. Hey, close enough for government work.

At least you know not to trust state run propaganda.

The game started with Cuba attacking and a nervous US team didn’t seem to find its way of playing. The first actions were on Cuba’s behalf when at the second minute Carlos Francisco hit a ball coming from a corner kick over the goal. Cuba didn’t seem to be worried and was playing in an easy and confident way.

Anyway, conspicuously absent from the article is the final score. Obviously, Cuba is not threatened by losses.

Ike Threatens Cuba [www.cubanews.ain.cu]

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Probably Want to Hire Some Smarter Copy Editors

Uh, how the fuck did, Cambodia (see above) make the Olympic soccer tournament, much less make it out of the group stage and into the quarters?

Oh right. They didn't. In fact, Cambodia totally sucks at football, currently holding down spot number 183 (out of 207) in the FIFA rankings.

Clearly this is a mistake as Brazil was matched up against Cameroon, an entirely different country on an entirely different continent, in the quarterfinals of the Olympic soccer tournament.

My initial reaction was that somebody working at wherever Comcast buys this service from (TV Guide?) is really fucking stupid and when they saw the country abbreviation on an information sheet someplace reading 'CAM' they assumed it was for 'Cambodia.'

But then I thought that, given how fucking stupid Americans are when it comes to geography in particular, whoever had the job writing this copy probably didn't even know there was a country called Cambodia. Instead they saw 'CAM' and checked it against an alphabetical list of countries. When they came to 'Cambodia' they simply stopped and didn't bother to look at the next item on the list.

That's plausible except for the fact that the abbreviation for Cameroon is 'CMR' not 'CAM.'

And you'd have to be phenomenally stupid to get from CMR to Cambodia, because, while Cambodia actually does have an Olympic delegation in Beijing, they don't have an 'R' in the name of their country.

America, trying to live up to every stereotype about it.

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EPL Previews: Fulhamerica!

With the departures of Keller, Bocanegra, and McBride, Craven Cottage will be decidedly less xenophobic this season.

On the upside, fewer Americans might also mean less of a struggle to avoid the drop.

Or not.

Last season the Cottagers won four of their last five to keep their Premiership afloat. And even then it was just barely as they survived on goal difference alone. But Keller was the keeper during that run, and McBride also returned to the line-up shortly before then, giving the team an emotional (and scoring) lift. So the Americans had a strong hand in keeping Mohamed Al-Fayed's club in the top tier.

See, we don't hate all brown people.

Anyway, Roy Hodgson has made some decent off season moves. Andy Johnson isn't one of them.

Bringing Mark Schwartzer over from Boro and Fredrik Stoor in from Rosenborg should help shore up the defense. Remember, Fulham lost three of their first four by a score of 2-1. In all three of those instances they either held a lead at some point (Ha, ha, Lehmann) or were level at the 75th minute or later. They then drew their next four fixtures after holding late leads in two of them.

In other words, if they hadn't sucked late early, they wouldn't have been worrying so late. The upgrades in back should help them defend leads, assuming of course they get some.

To that end Bobby Zamora is a serviceable striker who should give the Cottagers a little scoring boost. Also allowing Clint Dempsey to play a more comfortable midfield position should help the same. Hell, just having Jimmy Bullard healthy for a full season will be beneficial. Plus, even with the lower Yank quotient, Fulham maintains a soft spot in my heart simply for fielding a player who could be Bob Pollard's body double (and he plays like a guy with bulldog skin).

The Cottagers also benefit by the widening gulf between the Premiership in the Championship. Hull and Stoke are almost locks to finish 19th and 20th. That means that Fulham (and everyone else for that matter) just have to be better than one more team.

And in a league with Stupid Fucking Bolton, that shouldn't be too tough.

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This Has Started Well

Anyone clicking over from Deadspin on noticing that half The Closer post never made it up can find the rest of it (with a paragraph overlap to get you started) after the jump. I'll leave it up until things get fixed on Gawker servers.

...

Go back to Deadspin. Post is all better.

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EPL Previews: Stoke City

What's the going rate on humiliation?

If you're Dave Kitson, it's apparently £5.5 million. That's the price Stoke City paid so that the red-headed Reading striker could come over and experience the thrill of relegation for the second consecutive season.

Because Stoke is going back down. The only people who don't think so are Stoke City fans and people who believe in fairies, magical gumdrops, and politicians.

But for the season being Stoke is up and for that they get pleasure of being previewed. Unfortunately, it doesn't come with a happy ending.

Unless you think that pushing for 19th equals happy.

Starting from the back, with the movement of two American keepers to Villa, Thomas Sorenesen was allowed to walk. Stoke picked him up on a free transfer, so the Potters will have a serviceable keeper with experience at the top flight.

On the back line Stoke will struggle, not Derby-type struggle, but only three teams in the top half of the Colaship—Watford, Ipswich, and Charlton—let in more goals than Stoke during the last campaign. Lack of skill will be compensated for with physical play. Ideally for the candystripers, runs into their defensive third will be nasty, brutish, and short. In reality though, they are still losing often and going back down, and watching it happen might be just brutish for fans of attractive football (or even unattractive football).

The midfield—and manager Tony Pulis probably won't stray from a 4-4-2—will likely feature Liam Lawrence on the right with some combination of Salif Diao Glenn Whelan, and Nigerian Seyi Olofinjana, who is over from Wolves, up the middle. On the left? No idea.

Whoever plugs that hole better be a nominal threat to score as the lot of the likely midfield line-up only total about 60 strikes since 2004.

Who'll be playing up top with Kitson? That might be TBD. Stoke is currently fighting with Hull for the possible services of Claudio Pizarro.

Stoke is also in talks with Valencia over the services of Nikola Zigic, the Croatian Crouchie. Okay, he's actually Serbian, which totally fucks what would be one of the better nicknames in football, but at 6'8" Zigic is really good at being tall.

But that's about the only thing Stoke will be really good at (that's assuming they get him). And even the most optimistic of fans can't put expectations much higher than a fight to avoid rerelegation. If they are close, Stoke does have a couple of late matches where they might be able to pick up points (at Stoke Hull and home to Wigan) but they better be clear before the season's last week as they close at the Emirates.

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EPL Previews: Arsenal

Arsenal is going to win the EPL (Suck it, Barclay's).

I say that not because I fully believe it, but because I said the same thing about Spain for their Euro preview. I not only nailed that one but maybe in some Heisenbergian way, I caused that one.

So I'm being greedy and going for a repeat. Ergo: Arsenal wins the Prem.

I'm sure everyone is laughing. But about this time last year just about anybody with a pulse and regular access to the Prem was saying Arsenal would finish outside the top four and maybe someone else, like Tottenham, would crack a Champions League spot.

Yet, entering the last weekend in February, there were the Gunners, sitting on top of the table five points clear of United.

Then they played Birmingham City.

And as bad as the hatchet job by Taylor on Eduardo's leg was, the bigger blow that game was the bullshit penalty call awarded to the Brummies in the 89th minute. That set off a string of four consecutive draws, three against teams that finished in the bottom half of the table.

A blown lead at Stamford Bridge to book end the draws and the Gunner's season had gone from celebration to shit before they were even out of March. Some egregiously awful calls both home and away to Liverfourth—seriously, if that ref had one more eye, he would have been a cyclops—in the Champions League and zero cups later, the season was done. In a word: fuck.

So in the off season Flamini walks on a freebie, Hleb fucks off Barca (yeah, that's a quiet town you Belarusian prick), and Adebayor pitches a money fit. Arsenal fans start waking up nightly in cold sweats mumbling, "Spend some money you French twit."

Wenger responds by signing a couple of zygotes and starts accosting drunk couples in bars to see if they are going to fuck without protection because he's already scouted the girl's uterus.

Lovely. Just fucking lovely.

But Aaron Ramsey has looked comfortable in pre-season, while Nasri has looked even better, and frigging sixteen year old Jack Wilshere has looked awesome. Really, he's all of 16. When I was his age I was trying to get into AP Calculus and Amy Ryan's pants, not the starting XI at Highbury.

Oh, and Adebayor? He's still a Gunner. Van Persie navigated the Euros without getting hurt, so he's good for at least the first 10 fixtures of the season. By then Eduardo might be walking again. And what if Walcott finally has a breakout season? Because he'll be getting fed by Cesc in the midfield. Jesus Crispies, even Bendtner has been menacing in exhibitions. And I almost forgot Carlos Vela, who has been scoring more than an electrified scoring machine on the scoringest day of the year.

I mean, why the fuck would Wenger go splashing cash around just for the sake of splashing cash around? The Gunners going forward are still talented as all get out and it is going to be a thing of beauty to watch.

Yeah, yeah. They don't give style points (but if they did we'd be looking at like a 5-peat on the treble). You've got to put the ball in the back of the net. And pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, miss will make 08-09 look a lot like 07-08. And the backline is still a concern. I mean Senderos is still a Gunner. And that can't be good for anyone, even Senderos.

But so far this year (which hasn't even started) sounds a lot like last year when, at this time, there was lot of talk about Arsenal's rivals and lots of handwringing going on at the Emirates.

So yeah, Arsenal is going to win the Prem. And they are going to look good doing it.

Fuck, now I've gotten myself all excited for the season. Hurry the fuck up, Mr. Calendar, I've got some football to watch.

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