EPL Previews: West Bromwich Albion

"West Bromwich Albion Football Club (also known as West Brom, The Baggies, Albion, The Albion, The Throstles or WBA) are an English professional football club based in West Bromwich, West Midlands. The club was formed in 1878 by workers from Salter's Spring Works in West Bromwich, and have played their home games at The Hawthorns since 1900."

Oh, Wikipedia, you magical source of information. The only thing worth noting about WBA is that they open their return to the Premiership tomorrow morning (7:45AM EST) against my beloved Gunners.

Alright, there may be a little more.


West Brom's manager has been Tony Mowbray since 2006, and in that time he is 48-22-27 in leading the club back to the Premiership. Knowing that stiffer competition was ahead, chairman Jeremy Pearce let loose the purse-strings (relatively) for the summer transfer season and got rid of some dead weight.

Out are: Luke Steele (to Barnsley); Zoltan Gera (to Fulham; didn't he used to play for COBRA?); Martin Albrechtsen (to Derby); Curtis Davies (to Aston Villa); and Kevin Phillips (to Birmingham).

In are: Roman Bednar (Heart of Midlothian); Michal Danek (Viktoria Plzen); Kim Do-Heon (Seongnam Ilhwa Chunma); Luke Moore (Aston Villa); Gianni Zuiverloon (Heerenveen); Graham Dorrans (Livingston); Marek Cech (FC Porto); Scott Carson (Liverpool); Abdoulaye Meite (Bolton).

Basically, they got rid of a bunch of guys that no one has heard of, and picked up a bunch of guys that no one has heard of pluse Moore, Carson and Meite. To make things even more confusing, they sport a defender named Paul Robinson and a defender named Pele.

New transfers Moore (thigh injury) and Zuiverloon (Dutch Olympic squad) are not available to Mowbray for the next few weeks. In addition, starting midfielder Robert Koren is recovering from a knee injury, as is starting defender Neil Clement. For the foreseeable future, Meite will replace Clement and Kim will start for Koren. What this means is that West Brom will be forced to field a team that is barely starting to come together as they push to stay up.

Unfortunately for the Baggies, they start off their season with matches @Arsenal, home against Everton, @Bolton, home against West Ham United, home against Aston Villa, and @Middlesbrough. Thus, in all likelihood they are looking at a record of 1-5 starting off October with their 1 win coming at the Reebok. In the end, however, most people are convinced that Hull and Stoke are going back down, so all West Brom has to do is outlast one other team. Call it 16th place by the skin of their teeth, and a second straight season in the Premiership for 2009/2010.

Well kids, that wraps up our EPL team previews (barely finished in time!). Enjoy all the matches this weekend, and may your favorite club win. Unless you support WBA. Then you can fuck off.

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EPL Previews: Fulhamerica!

With the departures of Keller, Bocanegra, and McBride, Craven Cottage will be decidedly less xenophobic this season.

On the upside, fewer Americans might also mean less of a struggle to avoid the drop.

Or not.

Last season the Cottagers won four of their last five to keep their Premiership afloat. And even then it was just barely as they survived on goal difference alone. But Keller was the keeper during that run, and McBride also returned to the line-up shortly before then, giving the team an emotional (and scoring) lift. So the Americans had a strong hand in keeping Mohamed Al-Fayed's club in the top tier.

See, we don't hate all brown people.

Anyway, Roy Hodgson has made some decent off season moves. Andy Johnson isn't one of them.

Bringing Mark Schwartzer over from Boro and Fredrik Stoor in from Rosenborg should help shore up the defense. Remember, Fulham lost three of their first four by a score of 2-1. In all three of those instances they either held a lead at some point (Ha, ha, Lehmann) or were level at the 75th minute or later. They then drew their next four fixtures after holding late leads in two of them.

In other words, if they hadn't sucked late early, they wouldn't have been worrying so late. The upgrades in back should help them defend leads, assuming of course they get some.

To that end Bobby Zamora is a serviceable striker who should give the Cottagers a little scoring boost. Also allowing Clint Dempsey to play a more comfortable midfield position should help the same. Hell, just having Jimmy Bullard healthy for a full season will be beneficial. Plus, even with the lower Yank quotient, Fulham maintains a soft spot in my heart simply for fielding a player who could be Bob Pollard's body double (and he plays like a guy with bulldog skin).

The Cottagers also benefit by the widening gulf between the Premiership in the Championship. Hull and Stoke are almost locks to finish 19th and 20th. That means that Fulham (and everyone else for that matter) just have to be better than one more team.

And in a league with Stupid Fucking Bolton, that shouldn't be too tough.

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EPL: Previews: Sunderland AFC

You can't talk about Sunderland without talking about Blighted English Shipping Towns, Sex Parties, and yes, Roy Keane. Whenever they think they are going to turn the corner, there is someone there to kick them in the knees. Just a few days ago, a Tory-friendly think-tank ravages the northern cities like Sunderland and urging people to give up and move. In a quote from the report, they state:

"Sunderland demonstrates just how hard it is to regenerate such a city. It is time to stop pretending there is a bright future for Sunderland and ask ourselves instead what we need to do to offer people in Sunderland better prospects."

As goes Jones, so goes the season.

They have a point: stop pretending there is a bright future for Sunderland and ask ourselves why don't they move it along?



We strive to be positive here, so I'll be positive about Sunderland - their biggest fan website is named after a wonder John Coltrane Song that always moves me in a positive way. We can only hope it moves the Sunderland fans positively.

Sunderland is a team that will live and die by its coach. But when the coach overshadows their best players, this is a sign that it will be a team dragged through the season performing up to their level of mediocrity. They lost 21 matches last year, only registering six draws. Yet, they managed to hang on and avoided relegation. Now they feel flush with success.

Talent?
They picked up Steed Malbranque and El-Hadji Diouf in the transfer market. This will help them hold onto the ball as they seemed to suffer from that fact last year. They picked up three of the four players from Tottenham that Keane wanted.

Chopra is sitting out a suspension for three games, and Kenwyne Jones and his hobbling knee was recently worked on, and the club is hanging its hopes on the idea that he can start practicing in October, and not Christmas as first thought. Jones is a leader on the pitch, and held up the line. This will leave a void for Coach Roy to scramble to fill. Keiran Richardson has come over from Man. U. and, if he can stay healthy, he will have something to prove.

No One Wants To Play Here
Keane spent 40 Million Pounds in the transfer market last summer, and the news was the WaGs were not happy with the shopping up there. Meanwhile, they managed to save themselves from relegation. He's spending all of his time trying to put a good face on the town. They need someone in the midfield to replace Jonny Evans, who couldn't wait to split town. They still need a striker.

Prediction
Sunderland's idea of tactical planning is 'surprising' Liverpool and jumping ahead early. This will be somewhat of a challenge, as they conceded the first goal in 24 matches last year. They started fast last year, before shooting their collective wad early, and dropping off the map. Maybe someone should tell Keane the season is much longer than 8 matches.

Many hope this will be the year that they end up getting relegated. I for one, don't see that happening. They will end up in the middle of the pack, muddling along. Which may be the best this once-busy blue collar town can hope for.

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EPL Preview: Portsmouth

Harry Redknapp is rightly celebrated in the south of England. After saving Portsmouth from relegation, he put the pieces together for an impressive campaign last year. Top half of the League. A spot in the UEFA Cup. And an FA Cup that, while perhaps tarnished by a fortunate run of matches (though they did take down United in the quarters), still stands as the first FA Cup won in 13 years by a club other than the Big Four of United, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool.

‘Arry. The Pompey faithful. Fratton Park . A squad built on steel, muscle, and experience. Playing in a crusty old ground that vibrates every weekend. Managed by a self-promoting but exceedingly personable character who may still be underrated. If there is a side that better personifies the battling nature that should define the middle of the Premiership table, I haven’t found them. Pompey give the Tottenhams’ of the world the shits one would normally get from bad lasagna.

After the jump, I’ll preview YOUR 2009-09 Portsmouth Blue Army…


Harry overpaid for Peter Crouch . 11m pounds. Really? For a guy who couldn’t really get a run at Liverpool and who specializes in terrorizing Macedonia? But the bean pole has underrated ball skills and, after all, just…scores…goals. He returns to Portsmouth to pair Wee Speed Demon Jermaine Defoe in certainly one of the most mouth-watering strike forces in the League. Pompey will score. And we’ll finally see what a full season brings out of Crouch.


David James. It’s almost hard to remember his moniker “Calamity.” Is he the best keeper in the Prem? His gaffes are more rare, and there are few better pure shot-blockers. I’d say fully 17 clubs in the league would take him in a heartbeat.

The Portsmouth back came together impressively last year. Former Hammer and Chelsea bust Glen Johnson has become perhaps England’s best right back. On the left, Herman Hreidarsson…ok, I don’t know a fucking thing about him. But the pairing of Sylvain Distin and slowing-but-proud Sol Campbell are about as stout as any center-half pair this side of United, Chelsea and Liverpool. And ‘Arry brought in Spurs’ reject Younes Kaboul to deputize the back. This is exactly the kind of move that works out for ‘Arry more often than not.

In the middle, former Chelsea and Arsenal man Lassana Diarra proved the big clubs wrong with a special season in a reserved role. And you may have seen Croatian Niko Kranjcar providing service to his mates in the Euro this summer (the link was from an, umm, prior match). The man can play.

In fact, Portsmouth’s one true weakness to this observer is on the wing. ‘Arry lost underrated Sulley Muntari to Mourinho’s Inter (of course, ‘Arry doubled his money on the sale). This will hurt. But where are the wings? You’ve got Peter Crouch’s head up there! Who’s going to ping them off that towering noggin? Width is Portsmouth’s one true question.

My Chelsea get Pompey this weekend. I’m not sweating the match too much, but it will be fun to open the season against this lot. If you’re looking for a club in the Premiership to follow, you could do much worse. Prediction? They’ll be, to my mind, right in the mix for 5th through 7th with Villa and Spurs (I’ve dropped City and Everton from this frame). Villa has to wonder about Gareth Barry’s attitude. Spurs have to knit a whole new squad. Harry is smiling like a Cheshire Cat. Call it 6th.

I’ll leave you with Pompey’s famous song. The Pompey Chimes. Sing it with me to the Westminster Chimes.

Play up Pompey, Pompey play up!

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EPL Previews: Manchester United

Well, I've put it off long enough. It's unlikely I can tell you anything new about the team that seemed to feature in almost every offseason story anyway. Just to recap: won the Champions League; won the EPL; fought with Cristiano Ronaldo over his future; kept blabbing to the press how they wanted Berbatov; lost Quieroz to Portugal job; Rooney got married, went to Africa where Rooney caught a virus, Rooney may not play, Rooney available for opening day; Ferguson played his mind games with anyone and everyone, sometimes successfully, sometimes not; Fergie makes bid for Thierry Henry. You can bet that even as the offseason closes, more drama will be found emanating from Old Trafford. It's just what they do.

Of course, it helps that they do it all so well. Since United won the FA Cup under Ferguson in 1990, they have been, undoubtedly, the force of the English game. 10 Premier League titles, five FA Cup triumphs, two league cups, eight Community Shields, two Champions League titles, one Cup Winner's Cup win, one Super Cup win, and one Intercontinental Cup title. Throw out the one-off titles (Community Shield, Super Cup, Intercontinental Cup), and, in 18 years, Manchester United have won 20 major trophies. No wonder so many people hate them.

I know I do. By rights, Manchester United should be my English team. Ferguson guided my favorite club, Aberdeen, to unprecedented heights while manager in the north. Manchester United has always been seen as a welcoming home for Scots playing in England. So why do I hate the team and that son-of-a-bitch manager so much? Because they have been so successful at the us-against-the-world, scorched-earth approach that Ferguson plies so very well.


It is what will propel them into the top spot again this year. It is what will take them to at least the semi-finals of the Champions League. It is what will make them a force in the FA Cup, provided they get out of the early, play-your-reserves, rounds. It is what will propel them to a home lashing of Arsenal in the league. What makes them unlikeable, to me at least, makes them winners.

On paper (thanks LB, for putting this phrase into my head today), this team is not much different from last year's edition. The most painful loss to the team will be selling Chris Eagles to Burnley. As you are wracking your brain trying to figure out when Eagles last scored in a competitive match, I'll just opine that his loss will not hurt the club that much.

The club didn't bring in anyone of note, either. Or, instead of "either", maybe I should say, "yet". United have been disrupting other teams by tracking various forwards, but have not made (I'm guessing) actual, serious bids on anyone. As long as Cristiano Ronaldo comes back healthy, it won't really matter.


Good ol' C.Ron. How boring this offseason would have been without him. First he blew it in the Euros, then had surgery, tried to leave United, compared himself to a slave, blew off Nereida Gallardo after one last paparazzi-filled vacation, and blew off the girl from The Hills while bedding countless other women in LA in between tanning. Then, he decided he would stay at United after all, if only for one more year (of his five year contract). It would be annoying if he wasn't so damn good at putting the ball in the net (which is annoying in its own way).

I guess all this blather has been to say that United's season this year will look a lot like United's season last year. Mid-80s on points, 70+ goals. Tevez and Rooney effectively, and ugly-ly, running things up top. Ronaldo dancing all over the place. Scholes to defensively lock down midfield. Rio policing the back line, and van der Sar making the occasional save when necessary. If they get lucky, they may even break their own record for fewest goals allowed in a season.

Bastards.

Prediction: 1st

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EPL Previews: Stupid Fucking Bolton

Why do I loathe Stupid Fucking Bolton so much? Maybe it’s because they aren’t bad in the way that say Birmingham or Reading were last year, lacking in talent but scrappy and kind of endearing. No, Bolton are just plain crap, built around all of those leftover Sam Allardyce tactics, grinding out nil-nil draws, gaining against-the-run-of-play goals and hanging onto the English Premier League (suck it Barclays) by their fingernails. That lovely eleven-men-behind-the-ball, push the opposition around and punt it up the field in the hopes of a poached goal. In other words, utter and total crap!

If there were any justice in this world, Stupid Fucking Bolton would have been relegated last year, and they ought to be relegated this year. But unfortunately there’s a decent chance that -- yet again -- there will happen to be three teams that are even more incompetent. So, Stupid Fucking Bolton will likely be rewarded for their crap tactics, and will keep going on year after year, like the plague, or Survivor.

Join me after the jump for more spleen-emptying...

How else can you react to a team that last year sold it’s best player and only real scoring threat, even if he has a penchant for that stupid bird celebration, and then fielded a weakened squad in the UEFA Cup against Sporting Lisbon so they could instead concentrate on barely surviving the Premier League? In other words, a team that sacrificed the opportunity to earn a rare trophy for piddling league mediocrity? A team that fired that Fat Walrus and still stinks? A team that will be relying on new boy Johan Elmander, who will simultaneously have to adjust to the English game and thus has a good chance to be a bust? A team that unloaded El Hadji Diouf, who is loathsome but at least gave the team some sort of identity? Actually, unloading El Hadji Diouf was a positive move, but trust me, it’s still crap somehow. It just has to be.

Don’t believe me, just look at the hostility displayed in the comments on the Guardian’s preview page.

Next season will be the 70th season that Stupid Fucking Bolton will be in the English top flight without winning the title (going out a limb and predicting that it won’t happen next season). They haven’t won a major trophy since the FA Cup in 1958. (I know, I know... thanks Wikipedia!) And yet Stupid Fucking Bolton are supposed to be one of the Big Clubs in England, a team that managed to twice qualify for the UEFA Cup in the past few years. A team that has a nice new stadium, even if it is fairly tiny, and even worse is in Bolton, not exactly populous and not exactly posh.

Best Friends!
So where was I? Ah yes.... Truly, if any team deserves the drop, it’s Stupid Fucking Bolton. Give me that truly scrappy team up from the Championship instead, a Wigan or even a Sunderland or Stoke, happy to be there and willing to go for it, you know, positively.

Just not Stupid Fucking Bolton. I don’t care about a well-organized defense. I want to see abysmal failure from the start of the season, Megson fired in December, locker room fights, catastrophic injuries, blown opportunities to win games down the stretch, pestilence, locusts, first born sons, the works! Just not another season of Stupid Fucking Bolton in the Premier League. Is that too much to ask?

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EPL Previews: Manchester City

We could spend all day discussing the off-pitch shenanigans of the club from Manchester. No, the other one - the one that 87.4% of the world doesn't hate. The one owned by the dictator, dammit! Yes, we all know about Thaksin and his crazy ways, and about the misadventures of Micah Richards.

On the pitch, however, Manchester City had a semi-respectable season, finishing in 9th place on 55 points, with a record of 15-10-13 and a goal differential of -8 (45 goals for, 53 goals against). They also managed to fire manager Sven-Göran Eriksson, who nonetheless took the team on an Asian tour in May, and hired Mark Hughes. What else has been going on at City of Manchester Stadium, as Citeh look to make a push for continued European competition in the coming season?


The Blues made relatively few changes of note during the summer transfer season. The biggest signing was Mark Hughes' first, when he poached João Alves de Assis Silva (please, call him Jô) from CSKA Moscow for an undisclosed amount. City also picked up little-used Tal Ben Haim from Chelsea. Jihai Sun is off to Sheffield United, Andreas Isaksson to PSV Eindhoven, Geovanni to Hull City (hello, November 16th!), and Georgios Samaras to Celtic, while Paul Dickov and Emile Mpenza were unceremoniously released.

Jô, who scored 44 goals in 77 games for CSKA, immediately becomes the biggest threat up top, running along-side Daniel Sturridge and Felipe Caicdeo (since Darius Vassell and Benjani Mwaruwari are both injured). Ben Haim will look to break into the starting defense next to captain Richard Dunne, the afore-mentioned Micah Richards, and Vedran Corluka. The midfield is fairly straightforward, with Gelson Fernandes, Michael Johnson, Elano Blumer, and Martin Petrov expected to get the majority of the starts. Joe Hart is Hughes' favored goalkeeper, although he will be pushed by the initially-impressive Kasper Schmeichel.

So where do the Blues go from here? Well, they suffered their first-ever European home defeat in today's UEFA Cup match against Danish minnow Midtjylland, losing 1-0 on a goal in the 15th minute. Their preseason matches did not go much better, with ties against Stockport County (2-2) and Celtic (1-1), although they managed to beat an AC Milan side with Gattuso, Zambrotta, Seedorf, and Flamini all in the line-up (1-0 this past Saturday).

Manchester City start out their season with matches @Aston Villa, home against West Ham United, @Sunderland, home against Chelsea, home against Portsmouth, and @Wigan. They could possibly be 3-3 (with losses @Aston Villa, home against Chelsea, and home against Portsmouth), but they are equally likely to be 2-4 (also dropping the home match against West Ham United). Although the back-line of Dunne, Richards, Ben Haim and Corluka looks good on paper, 3/4 of that same defense gave up 53 goals last season, putting them squarely in the middle of the table (Tottenham, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Sunderland, Bolton, Fulham, Reading, Birmingham, and Derby gave up more goals).

If they start 2-4, with 3 home losses and a large number of goals getting past Joe Hart, look for a little panic from Hughes. Missing the firepower of Vassell and Benjani, there will be a lot of pressure on Jô to score goals quickly and often. I don't think it's getting to happen, and getting off to a slow start is destined to sit Manchester City mid-table yet again. Call it 10th place, on 51 points.

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EPL Previews: Heroes & Villans

Martin O'Neill has set a strict deadline for reading this preview and doesn't want to hear any whining if you can't meet it.

In: CB Curtis Davies (West Brom - undisclosed), MF Steve Sidwell (Chelsea - £5M), GK Brad Friedel (Blackburn - £2M), GK Brad Guzan (Chivas USA - undisclosed), FB Nicky Shorey (Reading - undisclosed), FB Luke Young (Middlesbrough - undisclosed), CB Carlos Cuellar (Rangers - £7.8M).

Out: CB Olof Mellberg (Juventus - free), GK Thomas Sorensen (released), MF Patrik Berger (Sparta Prague - free), ST Luke Moore (West Brom - £3M).

Last Season: 6th in the Premier League (60 points)(71 goals for, 51 goals conceded, 9 clean sheets)

Overview: Last season, in my own personal previews, I picked Aston Villa to finish 8th. I also said that "6th or 7th was a possibility". More than possible it turned out, as Martin O'Neill guided the Birmingham club into Europe in his second season at the helm. The club earned 11 more points than the previous term and added 21 more goals to the equation (granted, they also let in 10 more goals). The Big Question now becomes, can Villa build on that 6th place finish or is that the ceiling for the claret & sky blue crowd?

The problem with such Big Questions is that they often prompt other smaller questions. Has Villa added enough quality? Will all the backline signings gel? And let us not forget the neverending questions over Gareth Barry's future.

At the beginning of last season, the issue was squad depth. Midway through the summer, it looked as if that could become an issue again. But, O'Neill hasn't spent his whole summer bickering with Liverpool over the transfer of his captain -- he's actually made some signings.

After choosing not to bring Scott Carson on permanently, the Villans desperately needed a quality 'keeper. The Northern Irish manager got two; the ever excellent Brad Friedel and the possibly excellent (one day) Brad Guzan. While Friedel isn't quite old enough to remember when the ball had laces on it, he is getting on in years. Yet, his form continues to be excellent.

Villa also brought in some reinforcements directly ahead of its net-minder, namely replacing the solid centerback Olof Mellberg (who left on a Bosman for experienced match-fixers Juve) with Curtis Davies (who was a target last summer) and the SPL-tested (ha-ha) Carlos Cuellar. Davies is young/promising (sort of) and Cuellar has shown his quality with Rangers (not to mention, European experience). O'Neill will miss the injured Wilfred Bouma for a spell, but has Luke Young and Nickey Shorey to shore up the full-back positions.

Also added to the mix is Steve Sidwell. After moving from Reading to rot on the Chelsea bench for two years, the midfielder is fresh out of suspended animation and ready to return to action. But, will his game suffer from hibernation sickness? Initially, I included him in my fantasy team (Go Clash City!), but have since had second thoughts and replaced him. Martin O'Neill, however, does not have this same luxury. It'll be interesting to see how he performs.

Speaking of luxuries, Villa does have some when going forward. John Carew, when not injured, can be a force to be reckoned with (13 league goals last term). Gabby Agbonlahor was no disappointment either, having chipped in with 11. Yet, surely the bright spot for Villa has to be Ashley Young. Included in the Premier League Team of the Year, the young winger has pace to burn and will most certainly improve upon his 8 league goals this campaign and beyond.

So, as it stands Villa haven't really gotten any worse. But, have they gotten better?

A lot of that will be answered by their captain, Gareth Barry. You don't need me to rehash the summer-long saga that's been his on-and-off again move to Liverpool. As it stands now, the England international is likely to stay with the Villans. I'd bet against a January move (since he'll be cup-tied) and there aren't many clubs willing to shell out £18 million.

But, there IS a reason for all this nonsense. There is a reason Martin O'Neill is fighting to keep him at the club. Barry was (and historically has) been inspirational and the driving force for Villa for years. His grit, determination and ability to play three positions (and play them well) -- left back, left midfield or center midfield -- makes him invaluable.

Aston Villa without Gareth Barry is not a Aston Villa that qualifies for Europe. At least not immediately. Having to replace him would be a pain the manager would much rather not worry about right now.

Sven's Prediction: I've said it before, but since I have no problem repeating myself, I'll say it again: I have the utmost respect for Martin O'Neill. Before Liverpool fired Houllier, I thought O'Neill would be the perfect replacement, but because of constant press speculation in the months prior to the vacancy, the Northern Irish man decided he was having no part in forcing a fellow manager out the door. Although England did well with Capello (well, we'll see), I also fancied him for that job. And since he's been at Villa, I've been rooting for his success. He hasn't disappointed.

Yet, I don't think the club is much, if any, better than they were last season. Nor are they any worse. Europe should be more than achievable, as there aren't many clubs outside the Top Four much better than Villa. Retaining 6th place is attainable, but I'll slot them behind Spurs and City and predict 7th. Here's hoping I'm wrong.

And, let it be said, as a Liverpool fan, I actually understand (and kind of side with) O'Neill's stance on the Barry saga. To say Rafa has been less-than-ideal in the way he's dealt with it this summer might be an understatement. Nonetheless, I hope Liverpool twat them in both matches, just to send a message.

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EPL Previews: Middlesbrough

Lovely. When it came to calling the season previews of teams here in UF, I was late to the party. Let's just say, then, that I got a couple of teams that I don't really care for, including one that I know very little about. That little-known--to me--squad would be Middlesbrough. Where do I begin? What is the heart of the squad? Is this a squad that pushes for Europe, or do they survive by the skin of their teeth?


Oh. I guess that answers the question.

Never one to not look a gift horse in the mouth, I'll use the manager as a jumping off point.

Gareth Southgate has no love for redemptive dentistry. He has been in charge of 'Boro since the summer of 2006, when Steve McClaren left to take over the England National team. To date, Middlesbrough have taken 88 points in 76 league matches under Southgate. Not stellar numbers, but enough to see them comfortably out of relegation both seasons.

So, then what about the team? 'Boro made a splash last January signing Alfonso Alves from Heerenveen for $16 million. Problem was, Alves was not healthy. Alves made only nine appearances for the club last season, finding the net six times. If he gets and stays healthy this term, he may be able to erase the idea that some of us here hold that players who score well in the Dutch league can only score in the Dutch league. Which reminds me, I should go pick him up for our fantasy league, just in case.

This offseason, Southgate made a couple of early swoops for new talent. By the first week of July, Southgate had brought in Didier Digard, a midfielder from PSG, and Marvin Emnes, a forward from Sparta Rotterdam. At the time, Southgate declared the Middlesbrough were in the market for even more talent. Too bad for 'Boro fans that this statement was not exactly truthful.

In truth, 'Boro started selling off talent immediately after. Goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer was the first to leave the team this offseasion, making the switch to Fulham. Hull City signed last season's EPL leader in cards, George Boateng, shortly after. Luke Young went to Aston Villa. Finally, midfield mainstay Lee Cattermole was shuffled off to Wigan.

All three held starting positions at Middlesbrough, and all three probably will at their new clubs. The one that hurts the most to lose is Schwarzer. No one has been brought in to replace the keeper, which means that the starting job will fall to one of two candidates. Brad Jones has 15 top flight starts under his belt in the last five years, and a smattering of other appearances on loan. Ross Turnbull has even less experience, appearing just five times in league for Middlesbrough. However, Turnbull has the closest thing to a full season's experience as a starter, having appeared 29 times for Crewe Alexandra while on loan in '05-'06. If these two start to leak goals at the back, no amount of scoring up top, unless it is really off the charts, will help the club on their push to Europe.

To be fair, if there is a strength to this squad, it is up top. Middlesbrough could conceivably play three up top given their talent. In addition to Alfonso Alves, this team has both the Egyptian Mido, and the Turk Tuncay as legitimate starters at forward. That is, if they stay healthy. Mido had what the club calls "a serious pubic bone injury" last season and capped the year off with hernia surgery. 'Boro fans better hope he's better to start the season, since Mido takes winters off anyway. Sometime scorer Jeremie Aliadiere is also on the bench for 'Boro.

The midfield is mostly anonymous, with Stewart Downing and Julio Arca the only ones bearing any real name recognition. The defense is decent, and should be helped by the soon-to-arrive Justin Hoyte, provided the two sides agree to terms over the next couple of days.

All in all, Middlebrough could be a fun team to watch. Southgate is no tactical genius, and could just be trying to outscore his opponents. Which would be rare. There is no reason to believe this team will be any better that their 13th place finish last season, and could, in fact be worse.

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EPL Previews. To Hull and Back?

4/11. That's what the bookies are offering on Hull to be relegated from their first year EVER in top-flight football. Not looking good for the Tigers, is it?

As you can see from the picture, the KC is ready to rock. The newish stadium will be hosting top flight football and Hull's arrival in the Premier League will be announced with a bell!

Can they do it? Survive a year in the best league in the world? Well, Reading did it. Ip...Ip...Ip...Them, they did it. Fulham did it. It's getting harder but not impossible. If any of the three promoted teams have a chance at surviving the coming season, I reckon it's Hull. Now let me tell you why.

The KC... looks Premiership-ready to me!



Hull play football [Ed. Note: hang on, stick with him from here]. They put the ball on the ground and play football. This is the first tick in the "staying up" box. They will try to be competitive.

Stoke will do the opposite. They will try and muscle teams and play long ball, frustrating their opponents and keeping the ball as far away from their talented opponents feet as possible as they urge the ref to blow the whistle. But when Stoke inevitably concede, they will have nothing going forward at all to worry Premiership defenders. Sidibe and Cresswell? Ouch.

Another tick in the box for Hull is the home crowd. Hull could sell out the KC twice this year and the joint will be noisy. Why they didn't show up last year is baffling but there you are, Hull is a rugby town and apparently they only take note of the footy when the big dance comes to town.

Hull is also a trek for many teams and their fans, and any visitors will be greeted by a cauldron of noise. 25,000 fans eager to be the 12th man in their first ever season in the top flight. Home advantage will count for a lot with Hull... obviously not when Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal or United roll into town, but the Tigers will fancy their chances of nabbing some points with the rest.

The team...

While Stoke and West Brom have carefully thought about their attempts to stay up and the implications of going down, weighing up the budget and cautiously scouring the wage bill, Hull said f--- it! They got to work early and manager Phil Brown attacked the transfer market like a wild, crazy, early morning, get it first, go for it... beast.

Boateng has plenty of Premiership experience! Hull will need it!

Brown camped outside the shop overnight and was the first to dive into the bargain bin. In came genuine Premiership midfielders Geovanni and Boetang. Geovanni was a bench player for Man City but Hull will be happy with what he will bring and they are not chasing a place in Europe but just a 'place' come May!

They also signed defenders Bernard Mendy from PSG and Anthony Gardner from Spurs. Defence is Hull's strong point; they were already good in this area and conceded just 45 goals from 46 games last year, good for third-best in the Championship! They have strengthened at the back and wont be a push over, however, this is the only area of the pitch that has any depth.



Geovanni: Will he get playing time at Hull that he didn't at Man City?

Hungarian winger Peter Halmosi arrived from Plymouth and striker Craig Fagan was rescued from Derby. Hull are still short in attack but they are still shopping. The latest pair to join the party could be Marlon King and Chelsea bench dweller Claudio Pizarro, who will need to take a drop in wages as he is currently on 3 million a year at Chelsea! (f------ ridiculous!).

If Hull sign these two players they will have enough tools to have a really good go at staying up. Fagan, Folan and Garcia will not trouble many defenses, but realistically Hull ARE going to get a couple of competent strikers. They have not spent much but they would have busted the wage structure with the new signings, for sure.

The quality of Brown's signings so far would suggest Brown knows what he is doing, and he has his eyes on doing enough to keep the Tigers up. I would also expect at least 3 to 4 more players to arrive over the next couple of weeks.

The newbies will join a squad of Championship players, but Reading were no different when they were promoted (Shorey, Kitson and Hunt come to mind) [Ed. Note: Shorey is Villa's problem now, ha]. Some of these Championship players will settle in, step up and look like they belong in the Premier League. Sam Ricketts will certainly be one of these players.



In Boaz Myhill they have an excellent young keeper. Myhill was born in California but chose to play for Wales (His mother is Welsh!). He will need to be at his best if Hull are to avoid the drop. He is one to watch. By the end of this season he will be well-known to most Premiership viewers.

It's going to be tough for Hull and they are going to need to keep Boateng and Geovanni healthy (as they do not have Premiership quality in depth) if they are to survive, but Hull play nice football and by the time they kick off at home to Fulham next week they should have a new attack in place. They are also going to require a massive effort from their inexperienced squad but the first year will be a honeymoon period and Brown should get the drive needed to pick up enough points.

They may not have a long-term Premiership future but the passion and effort to prove themselves in their first year against some of the best teams in the country will spur them on. Bigus is a hopeless romantic when it comes to stories like that of Hull City and I have been wrong before! But I see Hull getting stuck in and upsetting the form book this season. They will surprise a few teams at the KC, pick up some points on the road and beat the drop.

Prediction? 16th.

-Bigus

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EPL Preview: Spurs are on their way to... where?!?

Real Low: Feel that! "My cheek has got so cold!"

[- apologies to Rimbaud]


I choose to be romantic about my club even when reason says "no." If Liverpool is a pitiful Friday night tug session, then Spurs are fleeting, miracle intimacy... but never enough. The Tease. Never enough goals. Never enough possession. Never an assertive defense or aggressive keeper.

They are lilywhite and deep navy, and mansion dot com poker and casino. They are powder blue and collars, and some overwrought, like a tattoo, Asian lettering.

There is always something wrong. And yet, who would you rather watch walk the tightrope? Who would you rather see rise up over Chelsea (like Woodgate's nose) or disappear with the flushed diarrhea water (splayed forth from a diseased Carrick's arse) as the Scum re-appear in the Champs League?



Outside of the Big Four and any larger conversation about what football should or could be (or used to be and should be again), there is no club who breeds more aggression (in our little world at least) than Tottenham. They are both a feeder club and mad spenders. Poll our readers and just as many would have Spurs as the new Leeds as an English Sevilla.

You've Lost Keane! Screaming always... Berbatov is gone (either to Man U. or out for a smoke)! Modric is paper mache and Gio is Mexican!

Well yes, Keane is gone (and for no small fee), but Berba is here for now (and will only be leaving for no small fee, cigs not withstanding). Modric is flesh and blood (may they stay warm and flowing inside the skin!) and for shite's sake, look it up, Dos Santos is Brazilian-born. So let's get our facts straight before the start. There's cause for pause for concern, but just as much reason-- reasonably-- to be excited.

---
BREATHE! We begin at the back. Spiderman. I'll say this for Heurelho Gomes: the fucker has that positive energy. Forgetting even for a moment that he is a prime shot-stopper and attacker of the ball, the Brazilian's enthusiasm alone distinguishes him from his predecessor.

Is he a reaction rather than a solution? Time, and not a match or two or three, will tell the story. But for now, the keeper as first man, happy warrior, is pure oxygen. Robinson was never bad for us, at least not until the dying days, but even at his best his face was written with the map of England. That is, the tension, the focus, the sound and the fucking fury and all that nothingness that is precisely what a keeper cannot carry on his shoulders if he is to fly above and punch that spinning corner 40 yards into the noontime breeze.

"Stop thinking, you're hurting the ballclub," they told Jim Bouton, as he recalled it in "Ball Four." This is not to say Gomes is less intelligent than Robinson, but I don't think that thinking will get in man’s way. So if set-pieces and long-range efforts-- terrible enemies to a timid keeper-- were Spurs' weak point last season [Ed. Note: they had plenty more weak points than that], then the Brazilian should offer a considerable upgrade.

---
PUSH! Where the Spurs defense stands will be largely to do with where they’re standing. Too often in the past two seasons they’ve made near permanent residence inside the 18-yard box. On your heels and without the best talent: now that is a dangerous proposition. The inclination in a tentative defense is to drift back, to protect, and with midfielders gone missing, a No-Man’s-Land worthy of The Great War opens up atop the box.

Everyone from United’s Nani to Blackburn’s Samba fired potshots from this space last season, and even with a more confident keeper the defense will count on the Zokora/Huddlestone/Jenas triumvirate to close up the gap. Spurs of ’07-’08 conceded more “wonder goals” than any team in history, I’d gamble, and it was little surprise.

There exists, on this date at least, true confidence in Spurs’ talent in the back four. It is Health and Depth that are, as they are for all teams not called United and Chelsea, the big issues. A starting line of King and Woodgate in the middle, with fullbacks Hutton and Bale is good enough to compete with anyone.

Figure Dawson and Zokora as cover for the central defense and Gunter, Assou-Eketto (who impressed before a terrible injury in ’06), Gilberto, and maybe, possibly Vedran Corluka as subs and occasional starters — a necessity with four competitions to play — and there looks to be some grit and speed, though maybe not in that order.

What impresses most is how Ramos has in so little time brought in and utilized so many players in such a variety roles. There are dozens of permutations of this defense, more even once you factor in O’Hara and Huddlestone. I can hardly dream up a game situation to which the mister can’t adapt when he has his guys in form and fitness. As we learned last year, Ramos will play anyone anywhere.

---
RUN! And that innovative mind will be called into immediate action when it comes time to arrange the midfield for this Saturday's Starting XI. For the moment, let’s assume Berbatov is gone or not playing. That Bent is alone up front. This means Ramos is playing a 4-5-1.

The Likely Lad was scarred last year, so he desperately wants some sort of holding... err, defensive midfielder in the fold. We all know Zokora’s deficiencies, but why not sit him up in front of the central defense and ask him to tackle and make a simple, first pass? With the talent around him, Zokora can be Trent Dilfer: no bad giveaways, safe-minded, rid of the ball. Around him can swirl the madness. Dump it off Didier!***

With so much still unsettled as far as the final roster, much of what follows is speculative. For that matter, a lot of what you’ve just read is remote management. Juande is a football paella chef; you never know exactly what you’re going to find in the pot. I do think it’s fair to say the Middlesborough game will begin with Bentley on the right, Modric in the middle... somewhere in the middle, perhaps off to the left?

What the Lad would like to see is Modric at the top of a diamond that has Zokora at the back, Jenas in the middle and Giovanni off left.

---
WIN! If the pre-season is any indication (and of course, it’s not), this is a lineup that will score goals. There are simply too many players capable of individual brilliance to think that one or two won’t break off something sublime once or twice in 90 minutes. If they establish a flow, a rhythm, a dependable pure striker — is it you Darren? Fabio’s watching now, son, you are so close to it! — a confidence to belie their youth, then God of the Hebrews' knows what!

Down a goal? Bring on Lennon. Up one and call for O’Hara. No luck with the little guys up front? Draft in Huddlestone and pierce the defense with his 60-yard precision-guided daisy cutters. This is a side that can play both Pitter Patter and Hoofy.

Contributions from Pekhart, the young Czech striker, Bostock, still so young, should not be discounted either. Who knew Jamie O’Hara was alive before Ramos rode into town. (I did, but that was the extent of it. Alive...)

So, as much as ever before, there is the potential… the promise of not just winning, but that Audere est Facere. This squad, as constructed, is certainly a dare. We can only hope the truth doesn’t stray too far from that dream.

Let the defense and midfield close the gap at 25 yards... let the keeper be brave and bouncy. Bless the men with the skinny legs, may they shimmer and dance, then drive forward with options...

And Fuck Arsenal. Their pederast manager too.

Predictions: 4th place ahead of the Scum. FA Cup Winners. UEFA Cup semifinal.


"Football season, at last!"


***The Likely Lad doesn't really believe in this whole Zokora scheme, but he's feeling very emotional today.

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EPL Preview: West Ham United

I love the song, OK? Always have. And I have a soft spot in my heart for the entire Hammers thing. The bleak East End economy over the years. The raising of incandescent talent (Frank Lampard, Joe Cole, Rio Ferdinand, Michael Carrick...) for bigger clubs to poach.

The fact is that the Hammers about single-handedly won England their one World Cup (Bobby Moore, Martin Peters and Geoff Hurst... look it up!).

But it’s the song that kills me. "...And like my dreams, they fade and die. Fortune’s always hiding! I’ve looked everywhere! I’m forever blowing bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air!"



Now, sure, if I were a London Chelsea supporter, my soft spot for the Hammers would make little sense. My uncles and dad would have spent their entire life exchanging beatings with Hammers supporters. This is why Bigus mocks me with the sobriquet "Bubbles."

When I went to the FA Cup Final in Cardiff a couple of years back, I passed on Liverpool luxury box tickets to sit with the Hammer support (this was an easy decision), and I sang their song long and loud at the Millenium Stadium. I drank many pints with Hammer supporters at many pubs. These are the Steelers or Bills fans of the Premiership, except that they drink more heavily, typically have a more checkered past (the discussion over pints surrounded how each bloke had gotten banned from continental stadia), and bleaker prospects.

So, yeah, call me Bubbles. I don’t mind. But it’s a better damned song than even "You’ll Never Walk Alone." We all have our soft spots for other clubs. Mine is for Hammers.

This season? The buzz is that Alan Curbishley may be the first manager fired in the League. The Hammers have a notoriously short leash with managers. Alan Pardew and, before him, Glenn Roeder were canned early in new seasons after having had success their previous years. Personally, I think that Curbs is example number one of the English Manager job program. English managers always get another chance after mixed results. (see also Glenn Roeder…so maybe the Hammer board is actually smart!)



Last year they finished 10th, putting Spurs fourth in London, and that’s about where I see them this year. Curbs saw injuries to expensive signings Julien Faubert, Craig Bellamy, Keiran Dyer and Scott Parker. This year they are all back, but for how long?.

However, there has been only one big signing this summer: "The Swiss Beckham", Valon Behrami from Lazio. And they’ve shipped off underwear model Freddy Ljungberg. It appears that the Hammers Icelandic owner wants to wait and see on Curbishley’s success rate. Three successive late season 4-nil thrashings will do that to an owner.

The Hammers have the talent. And Curbishley, all kidding aside, is no slouch. If Dean Ashton and Carlton Cole start scoring and the squad stays healthy? Call it 6th and a spot in Europe. If not? Well, maybe Curbs can move over to the Galaxy....

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EPL Previews: Chelsea. They're Baaack!

Last year, my Blues finished second in three competitions. In the fourth, the FA Cup, they lost to Barnsley. To hear it from the haters, Chelsea choked. You will not be surprised to discover that I view it differently.



Chelsea are nothing if not strong in character and belief. They lost the Champions League on a muffed penalty. They lost the Premiership to a special United season. They lost the Carling to the Spurs because... well someone had to lose a Cup to Spurs at some point. This was not choking. I am a Buffalo Bills fan as well. My friends, I know from choking.

It’s more than just bad luck, though, isn’t it? Look, I think that Avram Grant was a good manager. His accomplishments are impressive. The Dour One took over a dressing room in shock at the sudden, if not surprising, loss of Jose Mourinho and then driving them to the brink of a treble. That’s not easy, and it deserves more respect than it received.

But the fact remains that, tactically, Avram made his share of mistakes. The League was lost on too many late goal concessions to too many Wigans. Grant was categorically out-thought in Moscow by United’s Ferguson. If ever there were a season that showed that last-mile value of a good tactical manager, it was Chelsea’s last campaign.

So, yeah, Big Phil Scolari is exciting. We don’t know how Phil will do in a big league. Phil’s never managed in a big league. Phil has the stones and the passion, as well as the dressing room respect, necessary for success. Tactically? Most agree that Phil’s Brazil and Portugal sides were well managed in big matches. He has to be an improvement over Avram.

The squad?

Peter Cech has been human lately, both last year in Blue and this summer with the Czech Republic. But he’s also still arguably the best keeper in the world. I think that The Cat In The Hat will be fine.

Scolari kept Ricardo Carvalho to partner John Terry at the back. This Chelsea supporter loves JT, but believes that Carvalho is even more valuable. Ashley Cole is now better than he ever was for Arsenal. New signing Jose Bosingwa is exactly what Chelsea have lacked, a threat at right back. Time will tell if he can handle defensive duties.



In the middle of the park, an embarrassment of riches. Frank Lampard was not as incandescent last year, but that only provided space for Michael Ballack to prove his worth. Deeper, Michael Essien is a monster and Jon Obi Mikel still a possible Maka replacement. Add to this the Famous Deco. Few have the little one’s vision and creativity. He’s been fantastic in pre-season play, but I have serious questions as to Deco’s ability to put in the minutes at his age, and the Prem is a hard place for small Southern Europeans.

The other big question is formation. Chelsea have a LOT of talent who are used to playing about every match in the middle of the park. Hmmmm...

Up top, Drogba will be fine. I still don’t see him leaving. If he does leave, we’d better fucking get Robinho. Anelka is not to be counted on. I believe that Malouda will turn good. And Joe Cole is the only Englishman currently playing who can consistently break a defender down off the dribble at speed. Better, Joe was durable last year – posting the most minutes in the squad.

The bench is deep. Cuducini, Bridge, Alex, Belletti, Fucking Sheva, Kalou, Anelka, our tasty 19-year old Argentine starlet Franco di Santo [Ed. Note: a nice video of Spurs conceding goals awaits...] and several others.

Prediction? Chelsea will win the League this year and one more Cup to go with it. And if you are like most of my embittered colleagues here at UF... this will make you insane.

Oh, and Big Phil will make the Big Four Manager mind games fun again!

(I did not mention any further Blue signings. Don’t want to jinx ‘em!)

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EPL Previews: Everton

I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I drew this name out of the hat for our previews series. I hate Everton. To paraphrase an iconic quote from The Big Lebowski, I don't like their jerk-off name, I don't like their jerk-off faces, I don't like their jerk-off behavior, and I don't like them, jerk-offs.

However, I will gamely attempt to handicap and preview their season without liberal use of the word c*nt, and it will be every bit as painful and difficult as I expect it to be.

There is no time like the present, so join me after the jump for plenty of Joleon Lescott pictures!



From the time I was born, I have believed Everton to be a plague. A scourge on humanity. A rather gritty and ugly counterpoint to the efforts at cosmopolitan football being played by my lads across Stanley Park (Note: I said efforts. They're rarely successful). They were the Toffee villains, the FA Cup spoilers, and the pox on the city I call home.

They have several villains, for my money: the Scotch brute Duncan Ferguson, Tony Cottee, Graeme Sharp, Neville Southall, Kevin Sheedy, and now, their latest conduit of hate is Tim Cahill, who's easily on my list of least-favourite people ever to have walked the earth.

Everton play dismal, difficult football. Passing is minimal, and the bog that is the turf at Goodison Park is almost criminal, as it creates a languid, awkward style of play that always causes visiting teams trouble (Arsenal fans: I believe your cultural equivalent would be the pitch at the JJB, correct?). It always causes us trouble, in particular, and while we've enjoyed some cracking matches with Everton in the past, I still dread seeing them appear on the fixture list for the weekend.

But this is not about me, nor Everton's eternal struggles with Liverpool. It's about their upcoming season, and for all their working-class glory, they're going to struggle this year.



Why? Because everyone around them has improved while they've stood pat, like the guy in poker who always folds pre-flop unless he has the good cards, by which point the mere hint of his participation in a hand causes everyone to fold immediately. Moyes and Kenwright have done sweet FA this off-season, unless you count the departures of Gravesen and Carsley, two mediocre but effective midfielders.

With a tiny squad to begin with, they've brought in no-one, nary a sighting at the training ground, nary a physical to speak of. They've stood absolutely still. Of course, this is subject to change as their burning desire to buy Sporting Lisbon midfielder Joao Moutinho is dragging on without them being able to meet the asking price.

On paper, their first-choice XI is good, but they're laughably shallow beyond that. They have precisely 6 midfielders on their squad, and none of them are particularly good at controlling the middle of the pitch; Osman, van der Meyde and Arteta are all wingers, Cahill and Pienaar are fond of attacking, and Jack Rodwell is only 17 years old.

Behind them, a formidable back four and Yank in goal, but precious little support should one of them need medical attention. They have a slew of left-backs (Valente, Phil "c*nt" Neville, Leighton Baines), solid center-backs in Lescott, Yobo and Jagielka, and Hibbert is disruptive enough on the right.

Up front, they just offloaded Andy "c*nt" Johnson, and Yakubu is essentially working all alone. While he's dangerous, he has no support (do you get the idea now?) -- fellow Nigerian Anichebe is seemingly allergic to the goal (4 goals in 44), as is James Vaughn (6 in 25) and 19-year-old Polish striker Lukas Jutkiewicz, who scored 5 goals in 39 games for Swindon Town and has yet to actually play for Everton!

So Mr. Moyes, what exactly is he playing at? He's hardly giving himself the tools needed to win in this rough, competitive league. A squad of essentially 19 players is not going to be enough to challenge in the UEFA Cup and in the league, and we can expect them to slip a lot further down into the mid-table morass thanks to the vast improvements made by European hopefuls Spurs, Portsmouth and Aston Villa.

As a Liverpool fan, I like to see them fail, but I at least enjoy the sport of watching them fail when their expectations are sky high. You get the impression that deep down, none of the returning workhorses are especially enamored with the feeble size of their squad (based on their limp travels through the US in pre-season), and that there is some deep-seated fear that this year, they'll be the nerd getting sand kicked in their face.

I predict a 9th or 10th-place finish for them, and despite these revelations, I'll still enjoy every last minute of it.

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EPL Previews: Stoke City

What's the going rate on humiliation?

If you're Dave Kitson, it's apparently £5.5 million. That's the price Stoke City paid so that the red-headed Reading striker could come over and experience the thrill of relegation for the second consecutive season.

Because Stoke is going back down. The only people who don't think so are Stoke City fans and people who believe in fairies, magical gumdrops, and politicians.

But for the season being Stoke is up and for that they get pleasure of being previewed. Unfortunately, it doesn't come with a happy ending.

Unless you think that pushing for 19th equals happy.

Starting from the back, with the movement of two American keepers to Villa, Thomas Sorenesen was allowed to walk. Stoke picked him up on a free transfer, so the Potters will have a serviceable keeper with experience at the top flight.

On the back line Stoke will struggle, not Derby-type struggle, but only three teams in the top half of the Colaship—Watford, Ipswich, and Charlton—let in more goals than Stoke during the last campaign. Lack of skill will be compensated for with physical play. Ideally for the candystripers, runs into their defensive third will be nasty, brutish, and short. In reality though, they are still losing often and going back down, and watching it happen might be just brutish for fans of attractive football (or even unattractive football).

The midfield—and manager Tony Pulis probably won't stray from a 4-4-2—will likely feature Liam Lawrence on the right with some combination of Salif Diao Glenn Whelan, and Nigerian Seyi Olofinjana, who is over from Wolves, up the middle. On the left? No idea.

Whoever plugs that hole better be a nominal threat to score as the lot of the likely midfield line-up only total about 60 strikes since 2004.

Who'll be playing up top with Kitson? That might be TBD. Stoke is currently fighting with Hull for the possible services of Claudio Pizarro.

Stoke is also in talks with Valencia over the services of Nikola Zigic, the Croatian Crouchie. Okay, he's actually Serbian, which totally fucks what would be one of the better nicknames in football, but at 6'8" Zigic is really good at being tall.

But that's about the only thing Stoke will be really good at (that's assuming they get him). And even the most optimistic of fans can't put expectations much higher than a fight to avoid rerelegation. If they are close, Stoke does have a couple of late matches where they might be able to pick up points (at Stoke Hull and home to Wigan) but they better be clear before the season's last week as they close at the Emirates.

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EPL Previews: Newcastle United

During the 2007/2008 EPL (suck it, Barclay's!) season, the Toon Army watched the Magpies struggle to finish 12th in the league table, on the "strength" of 11 wins, 10 draws, and 17 losses for a total of 43 points. The return of King Kev to St. James' Park, however, provided the fans with some optimism, and there were high (relatively) hopes for 2008/2009. Unfortunately, this summer has given those fans little reason to think that big things are afoot Upon the Tyne.



The end of this summer period has been marred with talk that owner Mike Ashley is interested in selling the club. Rumours abounded that possible suitors included Reliance Communications owner Anil Ambani (the world's sixth richest man), and a group lead by former Liverpool midfielder Steve McMahon, although both have denied involvement.

Regarding the players, the biggest news has, of course, centered around that irrepressible scamp Joey Barton. After initially being given a suspended sentence for assaulting teammate Ousmane Dabo, Barton was then sentenced to 74 days in jail for assaulting 2 individuals in Liverpool last December. Released on Monday, Barton now faces a 15-match ban from the FA, although he has until August 13th to respond to the allegations.

So, other than Joey Barton, who does Kelvin Koogan have available? Newcastle United Football Club made some minor changes during the summer transfer season. Out are: (1) David Rozehnal (to Lazio); (2) Emre (to Fenerbache); (3) Peter Ramage (to QPR); (4) Lamine Diatta (released); (5) James Troisi (released); and (6) Stephen Carr (released). In addition, Alan Smith has been linked to a transfer to Everton. In are: (1) Danny Guthrie (from Liverpool); (2) Jonas Gutierrez (from Real Mallorca); and (3) Sebastian Bassong (from Metz). Newcastle have also targeted Fabricio Coloccini (from Deportivo La Coruna), and appear close to finalizing a deal.

Guthrie and Gutierrez will provide some offensive firepower as placeholders for the injured Mark Viduka, Michael Owen (seriously? Again?), and Obafemi Martins, while Bassong and Coloccini will shore up the defense. The lone remaining striker is Ameobi, while the rest of the defense consists of Jose Enrique, David Edgar, Claudia Cacapa, Habib Beye, Steven Taylor, and the excellenly-named Abdoulaye Faye in front of keeper Shay Given (backed up by Steve Harper). Once all of the relevant individuals are healthy and caught up to speed at St. James' Park, Newcastle should have a fairly respectable offensive and defensive formation.

Unfortunately for the Toon Army, success in the Premiership requires an efficient midfield, and it is here that Newcastle suffers tremondously. Alan Smith is likely to fuck off to Everton, leaving Geremi, Nicky Butt, James Milner, Charles N'Zogbia, Hillary Damien Duff, and the well-behaved Joey Barton to man the pitch. Although Duff has scored 4 goals in pre-season friendlies, they came in wins against Hartlepool United (4-1, with a hat-trick for Duff) and Valencia (2-1). The lack of a solid midfield will mean that Newcastle will struggle both to produce goals and to defend against a swift counter-attack, which may result in something similar to last years -20 goal differential (45 goals for, 65 goals against).

Even worse for the Magpies is the fact that the rest of their pre-season matches have gone extremely poorly, losing to (and failing to score against) Doncaster Rovers (0-1), Hertha Berline (0-1), and Real Mallorca (0-1). The latter, in particular, may have given Gutierrez pause, seeing as how his former teammates bossed his new ones around the pitch for the full 90 minutes.

Newcastle open their season @Manchester United, v. Bolton, @Arsenal, v. Hull City, @West Ham United, and v. Blackburn. Given their roller-coaster nature, it is possible that they will be 4-2, although it is far more likely that they will be 2-4 (anyone can beat Bolton and Hull City). Ladbrokes appears to be equally unimpressed with Newcastle, having them at 351-1 odds to win the Premiership and 21-1 odds to be relegated. I doubt they will finish that low, and are likely to avoid the race to the drop, but I predict a 14th-15th place finish for the Magpies, sitting on 38 points.

King Kev, however, had better hope that they finish in the top half if he wishes to keep his job.

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EPL Previews: Arsenal

Arsenal is going to win the EPL (Suck it, Barclay's).

I say that not because I fully believe it, but because I said the same thing about Spain for their Euro preview. I not only nailed that one but maybe in some Heisenbergian way, I caused that one.

So I'm being greedy and going for a repeat. Ergo: Arsenal wins the Prem.

I'm sure everyone is laughing. But about this time last year just about anybody with a pulse and regular access to the Prem was saying Arsenal would finish outside the top four and maybe someone else, like Tottenham, would crack a Champions League spot.

Yet, entering the last weekend in February, there were the Gunners, sitting on top of the table five points clear of United.

Then they played Birmingham City.

And as bad as the hatchet job by Taylor on Eduardo's leg was, the bigger blow that game was the bullshit penalty call awarded to the Brummies in the 89th minute. That set off a string of four consecutive draws, three against teams that finished in the bottom half of the table.

A blown lead at Stamford Bridge to book end the draws and the Gunner's season had gone from celebration to shit before they were even out of March. Some egregiously awful calls both home and away to Liverfourth—seriously, if that ref had one more eye, he would have been a cyclops—in the Champions League and zero cups later, the season was done. In a word: fuck.

So in the off season Flamini walks on a freebie, Hleb fucks off Barca (yeah, that's a quiet town you Belarusian prick), and Adebayor pitches a money fit. Arsenal fans start waking up nightly in cold sweats mumbling, "Spend some money you French twit."

Wenger responds by signing a couple of zygotes and starts accosting drunk couples in bars to see if they are going to fuck without protection because he's already scouted the girl's uterus.

Lovely. Just fucking lovely.

But Aaron Ramsey has looked comfortable in pre-season, while Nasri has looked even better, and frigging sixteen year old Jack Wilshere has looked awesome. Really, he's all of 16. When I was his age I was trying to get into AP Calculus and Amy Ryan's pants, not the starting XI at Highbury.

Oh, and Adebayor? He's still a Gunner. Van Persie navigated the Euros without getting hurt, so he's good for at least the first 10 fixtures of the season. By then Eduardo might be walking again. And what if Walcott finally has a breakout season? Because he'll be getting fed by Cesc in the midfield. Jesus Crispies, even Bendtner has been menacing in exhibitions. And I almost forgot Carlos Vela, who has been scoring more than an electrified scoring machine on the scoringest day of the year.

I mean, why the fuck would Wenger go splashing cash around just for the sake of splashing cash around? The Gunners going forward are still talented as all get out and it is going to be a thing of beauty to watch.

Yeah, yeah. They don't give style points (but if they did we'd be looking at like a 5-peat on the treble). You've got to put the ball in the back of the net. And pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, miss will make 08-09 look a lot like 07-08. And the backline is still a concern. I mean Senderos is still a Gunner. And that can't be good for anyone, even Senderos.

But so far this year (which hasn't even started) sounds a lot like last year when, at this time, there was lot of talk about Arsenal's rivals and lots of handwringing going on at the Emirates.

So yeah, Arsenal is going to win the Prem. And they are going to look good doing it.

Fuck, now I've gotten myself all excited for the season. Hurry the fuck up, Mr. Calendar, I've got some football to watch.

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EPL Previews: Wigan - More Midfield, Same Defense

Wigan Athletic F.C. is will begin its fourth successive season in England’s top division. It is also only their fourth season ever in the top flight. Wigan has finished 10th, 17th and 14th in its first three seasons and will likely stay up again for several reasons.

First and foremost is that they have a huge homefield advantage. It’s not because the fan support is great, rather it is the fact that come mid-winter the pitch is a giant mudbog. The JJB Stadium is shared with the Wigan Warriors rugby team. The resulting doubled activity slows the pitch and takes away some of the speed and skill advantages of the bigger clubs.

Second, the club has a very talented midfield. Last year’s signings Wilson Palacios and Antonio Valencia played quite well. Welsh winger Jason Koumas also had a great season until, for some unknown reason, new manager Steve Bruce decided to sit him on the pine. My fantasy team hated him for this, but even when Koumas came on as a sub he was dangerous. This offseason the Latics have also signed Olivier Kapo for additional midfield support from Bruce’s last squad Birmingham City. Bolstering an already good midfield.

Up front, and I’m not sure this counts for a reason why they will stay up but, Wigan will likely put out old standby Emile Heskey, who is serviceable, and Amr Zaky, on loan from Egypt, who has already put two in the net for Wigan in the preseason. Zaky has scored 27 goals in 48 international appearances and scored 22 goals for club in 54 club appearances. He is there to score goals and he is already off to a good start.

Third, manager Steve Bruce has proven a good manager for the lower level clubs. He should continue his shrewd gameplans and signings.

There are reasons why Wigan may go down. Foremost is my prediction they will stay up. I’m bound to jinx the club. Second, is Titus Bramble. I know the man helped Wigan tie Liverpool last season, but he really isn’t very good or at least he is mistake prone. Bramble is emblematic of Wigan’s defense, i.e. not very good. Wigan had a -23 goal differential last season, while not Derby County bad, it puts them 18th place for the league. The only way that improves is if the offense can pick up the scoring since the defense isn’t getting any better.

Overall, I predict Wigan stays up with a 15th place showing.

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