Quick Throw: Thanks for the Mammaries.

It appears that the blog traffic driving Chantelle Houghton has spurned her romance with noted ladies-man Jermain Defoe. No word yet if Chantelle's endowments have helped his foot rehab.

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Not Entirely Sure "Burn" Is the Term You Want Your Fans To Associate With Sex

Burnley FC, the team that almost screwed all of EPL London in the Carling Cup, isn't done with screwing just yet.

They have teamed up with something called 'The Condom Collective' to hand out condoms at Saturday's match against Sheffield Wednesday.

I image that sentence confuses people who don't know anything about English soccer.

But hey, sex and football. If they could offer up free beer, they'd hit the trifecta. Although Burnley isn't exactly handing out sexual partners, so there's still some work to be done.

Anyway club-branded condoms will indeed by handed out to supporters at Turf Moor this weekend. However, people can also have them "issued" to them if they are A) under 25 and B) undergo a Chlamydia screening.

Wait, isn't Chlamydia Marta's strike partner on the Brazilian women's national team?

We're not sure what the distinction is between "handing out" and "issuing" and we're not sure why the club only cares about the sexual health of people under the age of 25, but hey, anything that encourages more fucking but doesn't involve Jermain Defoe, we're totally in favor of.

By the way, the old dude on the left... he totally makes us want to do it. Yeah, you try not having his face and that of Sick Boy next to him pop into your head next time you're getting laid.

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The Magical Foot-Healing Power Of Mammaries

Yeah, my foot will fit right there and I'll be back quicker than a jackrabbit.

Jermain Defoe, he of the broken right foot, has been spotted at the beach with his current flame Chantelle Houghton obviously hard at work with his rehab. I am going to have to try that soon.

Oh, and don't forget the nice NSWF-ish gallery at News of the World. Two more pics after the jump.

Hasn't worked just yet.

Nice to meet you Chantelle.

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Quick Throw: My Expensive New Toy Is Broken.

Oh what a last few days of the transfer window we are all in for. The excitement may kill me. Tottenham's new/old plaything Jermain Defoe has crocked himself in training. Spurs reckon he will be back in 3 weeks, contrary to early reports. I smell a conspiracy. A long term injury to Defoe will jack the price up on every striker within 1000 miles of White Hart Lane as Spurs search for a replacement to help save them from the fizzy league. They have already been sniffing around Robbie Keane in an attempt to lure the unhappy old Spur back to the good old days. Defore's injury is surely karma for all of 'Arry's January tap action. First there was Defoe, then Downing, then Palacios, then Fred and now Keane. Arry's tapped more people than Duke's Lacrosse team has tapped kegs. Meanwhile, Rafa's rage is mounting as he sticks a few numbers onto the end of Keane's want-a-way slip. You know he's going back to Spurs for more than they sold him for in the summer right. It'll all go down at 11.59 next Monday evening. Karma's a bitch eh Arry? An expensive one.



.

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UF Quick Throw: Defoe Deal Done.

Lots of reports this morning that Jermaine Defoe's return to Tottenham Hotspur is done, and just relies on a routine medical today. The exact fee is unknown but believed to be in the region of 15 million. Spurs will not have to shell out the full amount however, as Portsmouth still owe Spurs some cashola from the purchase of Youness Kabul. Defoe could be unveiled at White Hart Lane tonight as Spurs take on Burnley in the first leg of the Carling Cup semi final.

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You sure that's a.m.? Really?

Well, the fine folks at the EPL (suck it, Barclay's) are really putting our devotion to the test. Kick time for me tomorrow is 6-fucking-30 in the am (my time, anyway).

Thank god the FA Cup semi isn't more compelling, I mean, I'm totally psyched that the match-ups feature a final four that absolutely nobody had in their office pool (they do office pools for this shit in England, don't they*) but I'm not getting to the bar 15 minutes earlier and paying $20 for it. The final, maybe, but really, if it didn't say "FA Cup Semi" in front of it, I'm pretty sure there aren't more that 83 people on the planet in the US that would pay to watch West Brom and Portsmouth.

But since leaving Tottenham, I've taken a liking to Jermain Defoe. Perhaps because I got him for like 5 points in fantasy, and he's been a goal scoring machine [Note to Ramos: Ha ha ha ha. You paid what for Bent when you had that on your bench? You idiot.]

Anyway, as for round 2 of the troika this week... I can totally see a draw. In fact I can see two more draws, including a 0-0 affair midweek at Anfield. Meaning Arsenal would have played even on the scoresheet and have but one measly league point to show for it. That would be apropos of this season.

So, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. What of it? It's a preemptive "Fuck." Although there's the possibility of the karmic leveling for the non-call on Hleb.

Anyway, without checking I'm positive we got 5 right this week (it's late, and really nobody is actually paying attention for anything more than amusement purposes) and I'm pretty sure five of these will be right.

0-0
1-1
1-0
0-0
2-2
2-0
0-1
3-1
1-1
0-1


(*Yes, I know they redraw for each round so that you can't do a bracket. Don't get your knickers in a twist.)it.

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Refs hate it when you pay your last respects

See this guy? He's an idiot, and yet, he's an idiot with a whistle. This is generally the worst kind of idiot, because he can draw your attention to his imbecility by blowing it loudly. He's also the worst kind because he's normally responsible for ruining sporting events the world over.

In fact, football is 40% skill, 55% physical fitness, and 5% the luck and fortune to have a semi-competent referee. Together with his linesmen, we are frequently witness to a plethora of drooling morons that flash yellow and red cards with wild abandon and wear those little microphones taped to the side of their faces.

Well, following the bad editorial rule that "two instances equals a trend", I bring you this duo of dastardly refereeing decisions, involving heartfelt tributes and referees without a hint of context.

Cold-hearted bastards.

Last Wednesday, Franck Ribery scored the only goal of a boring game with England, from the penalty spot no less, and upon scoring, he removed his shirt to reveal a message on his undershirt:

"For my friend Hicham and M. Gilardi"

It was his way of paying his respects to his close friend who'd died, and also the popular French TV reporter Thierry Gilardi, who was due to work the England/France game but suffered a fatal attack the day before the match.

Of course, the message was nice, but the ref booked him anyway. Bugger.

And then, the EPL continued its Grinch-like rule interpretations during Saturday's Portsmouth/Wigan match. Jermain Defoe scored the first of his two goals in the 32nd minute [eerily enough, the same minute that Ribery scored his penalty], and celebrated by, you've guessed it, removing his shirt and revealing a message of respect to his grandmother who'd passed away four days before the match.

And yes, he got booked too.

I realize it's the set-in-stone mandate from the FA/UEFA/FIFA/whatever that you must issue bookings for excessive celebrations, but for christ's sake, exhibit some fucking context. The referees know what context is, right? If not, I'll happily come over there and show them.

Defoe and Ribery tried to do nice things to honor the memory of deceased friends and family, while Chad Johnson spends his summer afternoons thinking of new ways to get attention after scoring a touchdown.

I can't wait until this happens again, that is supposing that the player with someone to honor can actually score a goal.

It doesn't have the emotional impact if you lift your shirt after taking a throw-in.

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Jermain Defoe: Smooth Operator

Jermain Defoe starred for Portsmouth in yesterday's 4-2 victory over Birmingham in Premiership play scoring a brace in the first ten minutes. Mr. Defoe has been starring in the tabloids recently as well for his off-the-field scoring. Recently, the striker was caught red-handed (NSFW-ish)stepping out on his then-girlfriend, Danielle Lloyd (NSFW), with "model" Sarah Giggle.

Defoe chatted Giggle up at a nightclub, sent her some dirty text messages and then took her home to his mansion to "watch some tv." Ever the smooth operator, in more ways than one, Defoe displayed the sort of cunning off-the-field as he does on the field when he stole off to his closet only to return a short time later, ready to go the full ninety.

Let's have Miss Giggle tell the rest of her love story.

"It was at that point that he jumped up and went to the walk-in wardrobe.

"When he came out stark naked, obviously excited and kitted out in condom ready for action I said, 'You're having a laugh, aren't you? What makes you think I'm going to say yes?'

"He just gave me that cheeky smile of his and said, 'Maybe you won't.' I did though-but only after he'd tickled my thigh and really turned me on.

"It wasn't amazing sex. We started off sitting upright face to face and ended up on the floor.

"I thought it was a bit odd that he's all shaven down below. But the best thing about him is his beautiful skin. He told me he uses rose oil on it.

Giggle really showed him who's boss by holding out for so long. I've got to hand it to Giggle, for as easy as she gave it up, she gave it back to him in this interview.

As for Defoe, well, at least he has his money.

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