Hicks & Gillett Live To Fight Another Day!

Those two cowboys in charge of LFC have managed to lasso themselves a stay of execution from that crippling bank debt, renegotiating a new lending agreement with the Royal Bank of Scotland. The other bank that's owed a shit-ton of money, Wachovia, hasn't announced any revised agreements, but you figure that it will follow.

RBS are insisting on significant payments within the next six months, which worries me greatly; after all, how are you gonna do that? Well, you could sell all your best players, for a start. There are enough rumors about Xabi Alonso and Javier Mascherano, two absolutely vital players in the midfield, heading to Spain if they don't get better contracts to stay at Anfield, and it gets me a little scared.

That said, Gillett sold his 80% stake in the Montreal Canadiens, worth some 333 million pounds ($550 million), and you can bet that quite a bit of that cash will go to alleviating the debt.

It's not quite zero hour in Liverpool, but it's close. The morons have shown that they want to keep LFC at the top (ok, second from top) rather than run some bargain-basement EPL franchise with all that money spent on Glen Johnson, a frickin' right-back. Sure, he was a bit pricey for the position, but with the new Champions League regulations trickling down from UEFA, those English teams need to have more homegrown players in their squads and the purchase makes sense. As Rafa says, you can't compete in the EPL without spending some money.

As for the other owner, Tom Hicks has also been looking to sell off chunks of the Texas Rangers and the Dallas Stars, which is great for those poor, mishandled franchises, and should also help show the bank that they have enough cash to keep LFC going.

I'll come down off the ledge, stop hyperventilating and get ready for the extended tenure of Hicks & Gillett at my beloved club. I mean, if they're selling all their other sports franchises and getting the money into LFC to buy players, keep players and maybe win us a title, I think I can forgive them for their wheeling and dealing.

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Gouging Our Own Eyes Out So You Don't Have To

It's been a while since we fired up the ol' FJM'inator. Maybe it's a sign that the general quality of soccer talk in the US is improving.

Oh, who are we kidding? This is America, we'll never run out of idiots. And, so we give you one Mitch Howard and his attempted analysis—and really, what is that, do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?—"Is Portsmouth Better Than the Chicago Fire?"

If you don't know that the answer is "Yes" then, please, follow along after the jump.

Soccer purists tend to exaggerate the reality of the state of American Soccer.

Example please. One. Just one. You're going to make a huge generalization like that as your starting point and not even find one credible source to back it up?

They tend to emphasize the negative when referencing U.S. Soccer and they don’t want to accept the fact that of the world’s greatest Soccer leagues, it is only the upper-eschelon teams that are truly great.

Three things:

First, we're going to have a problem if you insist of using 'Soccer' as a proper noun. It's not one. So, by "US Soccer" I'm not entirely sure if you are referring generally to the game in America or to the sport's governing body in America, the thing headquartered in Chicago. I'm guessing that generally you just mean the sport.

Second, that's close to a tautology. Only upper-echelon teams are great because only teams that are great are in the upper-echelon. Of course we could conceive of a league full of nothing but mediocre teams so that winning that league wouldn't really mean you were a team of much quality. Such a league might have a tiny salary cap, be populated by marginal players, and have a central authority that exercises more power than individual teams. Although we're not sure where you might find such a league.

Third, your two statements have nothing to do with each other. It's like saying "My toe hurts and I don't want to accept the fact that it's raining outside."

In the EPL, there are probably 5 great teams and the rest of them are very good, good and average. MLS teams would be competitive with all of the bottom 15 teams of EPL.

It's actually four. And if Arsenal doesn't address needs in central defense and defensive midfield it could be three by the end of next season. If you think there's five you must be a Tottenham fan.

But 'good' and 'average' are relative to the other teams in what is widely acknowledged as the world's best league (debatable, yes). Here let me do some work for you: David James, Glen Johnson, Sylvain Distin, Niko Kranjcar, Sol Campell, John Utaka, and Nwankwo Kanu all play for Portsmouth.

There is not a single player on the Chicago Fire roster (outside of Brian McBride) who could supplant any of those players in the Portsmouth line-up. Even when Blanco went on loan to Real Valladolid in La Liga he had a very ordinary strike rate of three goals in 23 appearances. So he couldn't hack it in Europe.

So, how is it that MLS teams would be competitive with the likes of Aston Villa or Manchester Citeh? Hell, the New York Red Bulls aren't even competitive with the rest of MLS. They get run off the pitch by the expansion Seattle Sounders, how the hell would they not get dismantled by Everton?

Simply saying something is true doesn't make it so.

"I'm the Queen of Scotland." Hey, awesome. Now I have a vagina. And subjects. This is cool.

The purists want to influence popular opinion by granting God-like status to European Soccer, but the truth is that there are only so many great teams.

If every team were great, how would we even know? Of course there are only so many great teams. "The world needs ditch-diggers, too, Danny."

This standard also applies to the Spanish, German, French and Italian leagues. MLS teams would battle most of the teams well (the bottom 75%), winning and losing close games.

You are fucking high. Or stupid. Or under 12-years-old. And, I hope for the sake of any children you have or might have in the future, it's the first of those options.

Just because the best teams in the top European leagues are better than the teams at the bottom of those leagues, it in no way follows that an MLS team could be competitive with those bottom teams.

The top teams would give a whipping to MLS teams.

This is perhaps the only thing you've said to this point that is accurate.

In terms of the Mexican, Central American and South American leagues, MLS would be competitive with all of these teams with the exception of the top tier two or three teams of Brazil and Argentina.

Well, MLS teams have a horrible record against Mexican teams in the CONCACAF Champions League. Hell, a season after making it to the MLS Cup the New England Revolution was bounced in the preliminary round for the 08-09 CCL. DC United finished dead last in its group, earning only a single point.

The Houston Dynamo were the only MLS team to make it out of the group stages and they were dismissed in the first knock out round 4-1 on aggregate by Atlante, a Mexican side.

So, in one of the few places where we actually have numbers, we haven't done so well. In fact, MLS hasn't even put a team in the final since the LA Galaxy in 2000 (for comparison, even Costa Rica has put a team in the final four times in that span).

As for the rest of South America, sure, the Fire or the Crew might do okay in the Uruguayan or Columbian league. To be honest, I don't know as I don't watch that much Uruguayan or Columbian soccer because, well, it's hard to. FSC broadcasts some Argentine football, but that's about it for the rest of the Americas. I try to stay away from talking about things I don't know much about.

Yeah, subtlety has never been my forte.

It could be that MLS teams have traditionally not played well in CONCACAF because of scheduling or that its relevance was low on the totem pole for general managers, owners and fans.

Wow, a reasonable explanation. Although, save for Ebbsfleet United, fans don't have much say in what competitions a manager should emphasize.

This seems to be changing. There has been a lot more press regarding CONCACAF play this year.

Yes, nothing means that teams will do better on the pitch more than press about an event. I am now going to write 1 million articles between now and next summer about the US Men's National Team thus assuring they will win the World Cup.

The newest CONCACAF schedule was released yesterday. Look for MLS teams to give a good showing.

Based on what? The release of a schedule? The press? This makes no sense.

The truth is that the world’s Soccer leagues play just like MLS does.

That is the farthest thing from the truth. Skill, creativity, touch. The best soccer leagues are littered with players that have all three of these. Watch a couple of MLS games and you'll see that the first touch in the US's domestic league is generally pitiful.

If you mean that MLS and the rest of the world's soccer league play by the same rules, then that would be the only way in which your statement would be accurate.

There is a lot of boring Soccer out there. There are maybe 20 great teams in the world that play with consistent innovation and determination.

This is based on what? Except for 20 teams, the rest are boring? Explain what you actually mean here, then find some way to justify this statement.

The average Soccer league teams play an exciting game only every third or fourth game. It is the rules of Soccer that hinder teams and make their games so dull and lifeless.

So what rules allowed Liverpool and Arsenal to play that insane 4-4 draw at Anfield in the late season? The same ones that make games "dull and lifeless." It's not the rules of soccer that make for a dull game, it's tactics. If a manager wants to park 10 men behind the ball when his side is out-manned, that's a tactical decision. And even then that doesn't necessarily mean a boring match will result.

I'm not going to touch the first sentence. Really, I watched 36 of Arsenal's 38 league matches this season, all but maybe three of them almost resulted in giving me a small coronary. But that's my experience, and I know better than to extrapolate from that to a universal statement about anything.

The great teams can get around the lack of drama from which the rules stifle average and good teams because the talent is so much more superb. For these teams, the matches achieve a higher level of skill and action.

I don't even know what this means.

Don’t fool yourself and don’t believe the hype!

The book of the new school rap game. Writers treat me like Coltrane, insane... Love Public Enemy. Don't think that's what you are talking about here.

Check out the empty stadiums all around the world. These are the homes to average teams who play average. Relegation and promotion doen’t change anything, it only proves the point further. Teams fight to stave off relegation and fight to gain promotion, but the stands still remain half-full or even worse than half-full, regardless.

Norwich City FC. They suck (as NCFC's unofficial US-based blog we're all too aware of this). They just got relegated out of Colaship to League One. They pack Carrow Road with 26,000 fans (capacity) week in, week-out. They'll do the same one division down.

Derby Couty, they suck, too. But one of the reasons they were bought by their American owners was the loyal support of the fan base. Plenty of mediocre teams fill their respective stadia. Sure plenty of good Serie A teams have problems selling out, but this whole line of thought has nothing to do with whether an MLS team would be competitive in a top European league to begin with.

Are you trying to say that poor attendance correlates with bad soccer? Because that would support the notion that MLS is terrible. If you want an empty stadium—as for some reason it seems important to you—go check out FC Dallas.

The U.S. team will make next year’s World Cup and has a decent chance to make it through to the second round.

What does the USMNT have to do with the relative competitiveness of MLS? Besides nothing, I mean.

The second round would mean that the U.S. is one of the top 16 countries in the world.

Not really. It depends on the draw, and other random variables. The Aussies probably weren't one of the best 16 teams in the world when they made it to the knock out stages of the last World Cup.

With a big upset, the U.S. could make the quarter-finals. This is awesome that the U.S. has a chance to make it so far into the World Cup, most countries would die for the opportunity just to qualify.

And with four big upsets, we could win the World Cup. And I'm going to write 1 million articles about it, so it's going to happen!

So where does the U.S. rank in Soccer?

FIFA says we're 14th. That's about to drop once our 3-0 pasting in Costa Rica gets figured in, along with the likely humbling we're in for at the Confederations Cup.

It’s doing well.

Ranking aside, we haven't performed well on the world's biggest stage. We had one good World Cup in 2002, and a decent showing when we hosted in 1994. Again, the Confederations Cup will be the best litmus test of this ahead of the next World Cup. Our group has Italy, Brazil, and Egypt in it. Would any reasonable person with a functional knowledge of soccer expect us to advance from that group?

The national team is solid and its leagues, MLS and USL are improving. But if MLS fails, and it very well could in the next 3-5 years, the U.S. Soccer world will turn upside down.

Where does this assertion that the league "very well could" fold in the next "3-5 years" come from? And what does it have to do with whether the Fire could beat Pompey?

Is there a single statement in this entire piece that actually supports the idea that an MLS team could be competitive in a top European league? What's the point of this piece, other than to annoy reasonably intelligent people?

You know what we really learned from this?

There are twenty-plus comments on this nonsense. Jesus, we're going to start writing the craziest shit and fill it with borderline non-sequiturs. You've been warned.

But our page views are about to skyrocket.

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This Man Hates England

That's Culture Secretary Andy Burnham and he wants English clubs who collect buckets of cash from their Champions League success to give it to shitty clubs.

Burnham has got shitty club Wigan chairman Dave Whelan on his side:

It is not a Premier League at the moment. There are the top four, some in between and the rest at the bottom struggling to stay in the division. We need an equal distribution of finance for the health of the league. We have to be fair because we are all in the same league and we all appear on the television. Manchester United or Chelsea need somebody to play on the television, so we are as entitled as they are to the money that comes.

Whoa, whoa... the English are socialists? When did this happen?

There are actually two issues here. One is the redistribution of Champions League money, the other is that of television money.

Currently 50% of the TV revenue is split evenly between clubs. The remaining 50% is then split evenly into two pools of 25%. One pool is paid out depending on the previous seasons' finishing spot. The other is paid out according to how many times a club is shown on live TV.

The distribution of £900M in TV money, that might be something for the clubs to look into if they feel it is not being equitably divvied up. But Burnham actually wants to curb the dominance of the Big 4.

We can't figure out if he's either an idiot or an asshole. So, should parsimonious Arsenal give money to Manchester City because the latter's multi-billionaire owners insist on having an overmatched manager (should have played Elano more, Sparky)?

We should add we think revenue sharing in the NFL was a stroke of genius and it's one of the reasons that the NFL is king in the US. But there is a massive difference between American football and world football. Nobody but Americans play the former. So, the US holds a monopoly on leagues. If the NFL wants to cripple the Cowboys to help the Panthers, that has no additional repercussions on the world's sports stage.

England doesn't have a football monopoly. If they want to force United to give money to Stoke so that Stoke has a better chance of beating Untied in the future, that's quaint but it would wreck English football in the medium term as less money for United means they will have a harder time competing with F.C. Barcelona and A.C. Milan going forward.

Each of the last three seasons, the EPL has had three of the four Champions League semi-finalists, unless Burnham can also get Spain and Italy (and Germany, and the Netherlands, and Portugal, and so on) to similarly redistribute wealth the English can say goodbye to that type of dominance. And that ultimately hurts the Premier League more than it helps Stoke.

Just our $.02, but, full disclosure, we're also largely supporters of Big 4 teams here (Arsenal, Liverpool, and a rogue Chelsea fan). Oh, and note to Whelan: it doesn't matter what you do with money, you're always going to have four teams at the top, some in the middle and then some teams fighting to stay up.

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Pete Rose haunts League Two

A collection of idiots

Betting can be fun, when done in the right conditions. However, if you play for Accrington Stanley, you might want to put your money on boxing or horse racing, as betting on your own team is decidedly dumb.

Four of 'em found out the hard way, and one Bury player too, as the five were caught betting on an away win in the final match of their League Two season, which visitors Bury won 2-0.

Serious punishments await the guilty -- then-Accrington lads Jay Harris, David Mannix, Robert Williams and Peter Cavanagh, along with Bury's Andrew Mangan -- including long-term suspensions. Plenty of time to figure out who's winning the 2.17pm at Kempton, then.

As we all now know, Pete Rose made a lengthy habit of betting on his Cincinnati Reds while there as player and manager, and this quintet of idiots thought they'd try their hand at the same thing, said an FA statement:

"All five are alleged to have placed bets on Bury to win this match. Mannix is alleged to have placed stakes to the value of approximately £4,000; Mangan £3,500; Harris £2,000; Williams £1,000; and Cavanagh on a £5 accumulator.

Really, Peter... you're facing a long-term ban from the game for a 5 pound bet? I'd suggest you not bother next time.

Unsurprisingly to some, three of the players involved are from the Liverpool area -- Mannix and Cavanagh were former LFC trainees, while Harris was a trainee at Everton -- showing once again just why us Scouse aren't exactly known for our brains (myself excepted, of course).

The five have until April 23 to prepare and perfect their finest groveling and contrition impressions.

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Let's be careful out there

Facebook is both awesome and scary. It's awesome when some girl starts chatting you up about your fandom of Manchester United and invites you over for a shag. It's scary when she turns out not to exist because you've just been put on by two Liverpool supporters. It hits this blog when they tell your wife about what you've done, and then put the picture you sent the fictitious"her" with a pink vibrator in your mouth all over the interwebs.

So, yeah, there's a lot of bedroom FAIL going on with United supporters lately. Next thing you know, we'll be reading about Sir Alex shagging sheep. Crap, no wait, that's a joke on Aberdeen. Strike that.

Speaking of Aberdeen, it's about 400 miles away from Sheffield, where Stuart Slann lives. Back on January 31st, Mr. Slann took up the invitation of one "Emma" for a meetup in Aberdeen. Emma Read is the Facebook nom de plume of one of two Liverpool supporters Stuart had met on holiday in Cancun back in November. Long story short, it did not end well.

Winding back to November, we find out that Stuart vacayed in Cancun for three weeks. During that time (at the bar, natch) Stuart got to know a couple of Scousers, who were also in the Yucatan for some winter sun. By all accounts, everything was amiable for a bit, but the Liverpool boys, who just happen to be cage fighters, eventually tired of Stuart's bragging on Manchester United. One night, they challenged him to sing some Liverpool songs. Stuart refused, and the cage fighters threw Slann into the pool, breaking his ankle. However, their revenge was not complete.

Upon return, as told by "Emma" on this Facebook page, one of the Scousers decided Stuart needed a little bit more winding up. Under the onlne guise of Emma he contacted Stuart on Facebook, and got Slann to fall in love with "her." Emma then invited Stuart up just north of Aberdeen for a romantic tryst.

Slann dutifully made the 10-hour trip and even waited while his online love had to stay late at work. Emma then asked for Stuart to send a picture of him being saucy. Stuart complied with a picture of him sucking on the pink vibrator.

After sitting for three hours without Emma showing up, Stuart finally decided to call up Emma and find out exactly what the hold up was. Imagine his surprise when he heard a couple of all too familiar voices. This video combines both the picture and that phone call.



Now Stuart's in a whole heap of a mess. His wife (oh, did I forget to mention he was married?) is leaving him, and the above video on Break is approaching 500k views. How does Stuart feel about it? Well, someone was good enough to take a screenshot of his Facebook page upon his return home. I'd say he's not happy.

Anyway, let his be your UF The More You Know moment. If you will excuse me, I have to go delete some people whom I don't really remember from high school. I suggest you do the same and apply caution in you future endeavors on that wonderful/evil site.

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Gallas needs a ball gag

While the daily entertainment quotient would undoubtedly go down, it's about time for William Gallas to shut his mouth. He already caused enough of a stir with his stories from inside the Arsenal locker room to reportedly be dropped from the squad and lose the armband. That's not enough for Mr. Gallas, however. Now he's aiming to get dropped from the French squad as well.

Earlier today, in what looks to have been leaked from an upcoming autobiography, news filtered out that Gallas has feuds in the France locker room as well. This time it's not over heart or anything like that, it's over respect. Not towards the refs, but from young players to the veterans.

The player whom Gallas had the big problem with is not named explicitly, but there are a couple of clues. First of all, the player is code-named "S". Secondly, the player's age at Euro 2008 was 20. This has led to speculation that the unnamed player is Samir Nasri, a guy who Gallas just can't get away from, either with club or country.

Nasri's (if it is him) crime? He took Thierry Henry's seat on the bus. I tell you what, that is a heinous bit of disrespect, and worthy of losing the respect of all your teams' fans for bringing it up.

The Eurosport article goes a bit further into what Gallas thinks of the new generation of footballers. Given his take on the current crop of teens and young twenty year-olds he's around, I have to say that he's gotta go. Arsenal are obviously dedicated to youth right now, and having a captain who has nothing but contempt for everyone else on the team (save Silvestre) is not going to work out.

Then the question becomes: who takes over the captaincy? It would seem that Wenger has a predilection for Frenchmen and , predictably, he has a lot of choice on the team. Diaby, Sagna, Nasri, Silvestre and Clichy all fit the bill. As well as someone named Francis Coquelin, who has not debuted in the first team yet. Or will it filter down to Almunia? Ol' Bleachy is the vice captain (so Wikipedia tells me) and may have to assume the armband full time until he gets dropped as well.

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Barton out! (For six games)

Joey Barton will miss six matches as punishment for his training ground attack on former teammate Ousmane Dabo. He will be available for return on October 25, against Sunderland. Barton will have to be on his best behavior (HA!) afterward, as he faces another six game ban for future indiscretions.

After the jump, video highlights of some of Barton's best moments

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This is why soccer has no chance in the U.S of A

[Ed. Update: once you've finally calmed down from watching the video below, check out this vid that captures an earlier incarnation of the Radnich/soccer insanity. He loves Posh Spice, and Freddy Adu. H/T to The Offside Rules]

In a moment you are going to watch the video clip below from KRON in San Jose. The clip features KRON's resident sports guy in a segment called "The World according to Gary".

For those who aren't aware, Gary's world is a place that no one should find themselves in. It is a world of stupidity, overseen by jolly old Gary, A guy who could not be bothered to do his homework before he interviewed San Jose's newest import and ex-Norwich player Darren Huckerby. This turnip lets KRON's viewers know just how much he thinks of the football and the Earthquakes as he wastes Darren's time with stupid and irrelevant questions.

Gary then shows his viewers "the greatest goal ever" which Darren scored in 1996 against Manchester United. What he is actually watching is a super goal Hucks scored against Birmingham 2 years ago. He lets the viewers know that it's the second best goal he has ever seen... clearly the first being the ONLY other goal he has seen.

Gary then calls Darren 'Derek' and digs deep into his extensive knowledge of the game to find out what Hucks thinks of Posh Spice.

It's no wonder people in the U.S are failing to connect with the MLS when the game is being shown so little respect and effort by soft heads like Gary Radnich, imbeciles who actually have access to players and an audience!

People like Gary who cannot be bothered to do their homework are not bringing the game any credibility!

Cringe-worthy, I know! Well Bigus wants to apologize to Darren for having been subjected to such a half-wit, and hopefully Bigus will get his chance to do so. Stand by for news on that.

One thing is for sure, I will ask him some relevant and interesting questions that do not involve Posh Spice or Freddy Adu.

-Bigus

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UEFA's Convictions Are As Steadfast As Cristiano Ronaldo's

Once again UEFA has proven that it is unable to truly regulate clubs and hold them accountable for their chosen course of action. UEFA has denied Portuguese club Benfica's appeal of UEFA's reversal of FC Porto's Champions League ban. Rather than focus on a ban in the future that harms a club that is currently fundamentally different than the offending club, in that the manager and players are different, UEFA should focus on a penalty that strikes where it really hurts--Porto's history and pocketbook.

In June this year, UEFA determined that Porto had forfeited its Champions League berth next season due to its involvement in a referee bribing scandal in the 2003-04 season--the year Porto won the Champions League under Jose Mourinho. Porto had successfully appealed the ban with UEFA determining an additional hearing was needed, despite Porto's conviction in the Portuguese courts of bribing referees.

All of this leads to the conclusion that UEFA's disciplinary are is feckless and powerless. One of the most storied Portuguese soccer clubs was convicted in a court of the country of bribing referees but UEFA can't enforce a simple punishment. Presumably the standards of conviction are a bit higher in the court than UEFA, but the organization needs a further hearing to determine if the club was involved in this scandal. It should be a simple case..."Your honor I present the conviction of FC Porto in court and the prosecution rests." Tweet. Tweet. Tweet. Ban upheld.

Of course, that's not how it works in nepotic UEFA, where politics and money outweigh any sense of justice. Remember way back to 2006 when AC Milan was allowed back into the CL after being found complicit in the Italian match fixing scandal? Yeah. Back then UEFA said it regretted that it's rules did not permit it to uphold AC Milan's ban but would change its rules so this could not happen in the future. Well, I remember it, but I'm not sure UEFA does because its rules still reveal a true disciplinary dunce.

Why not just strip the club of one of its most prestigious titles? Forfeit the 2003-04 title it won during the season for which it was convicted of bribing referees. Disgorge any profits Porto earned from its Champions League victories in 2003-04. That would be a fitting punishment for the bad acts of that season, with the added benefit of upsetting Jose Mourinho.

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