UF on the DL

UF readers in the NYC, keep an eye out for a former Spurs player with three league winners medals. Rumor has it he'll be in The Big Apple this week.

Perhaps he's in town for the Showdown in Chinatown?

If so, UF will be seeing him tomorrow as we have Showdown coverage on lockdown.

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Liam Gallagher Acts Like A Tosser... Again

Sit down, shut up.

Liam Gallagher lived up to his douchebag reputation last weekend while enjoying the executive box at Spurs. The whining, whinging Oasis front man was at White Hart lane to see Man City lose to a late Robbie Keane winner. No stranger to controversy and an expert at 'up yours' gestures, Gallagher was politely told to roll with it by security.

Spurs fans taunted the talentless 3 chord wonder with chants of "Your just a shit Chas n' Dave". Chas n' Dave being a cockney, Spurs loving, piano based novelty act, famous for their Tottenham cup final song amongst other gems.

Gallagher responded with two fingered salutes to the Spurs faithful and by giving supporters the 'come on' gesture. What a tough guy.

"What? I'm just living up to my reputation of being a complete dick".

Security quickly jumped in to stop the singer getting himself into trouble. 'Some might say' he was told to 'bag it up'. Where did it all go wrong? (Cringe...Sorry)

Chas n Dave, 'Rabbit, Rabbit'. Liam Gallagher has plenty of that.

'Spurs are on their way to Wembley'. How the mighty have fallen. From the looks of the below video it appears that Chas n' Dave are now playing weddings.


They can't stop em...Listen out for the Arsenal fan at the end.

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More Sadness...

On top of the Arsenal fan committing suicide this week after the club's CL's loss, it appears a key cog of their North London rivals has suffered a tragic loss. Tottenham midfielder Wilson Palacios has finally learned what happened to his little brother, who was kidnapped two years ago, as Honduran officials have located what they believe to be the remains of Edwin Palacios.

The younger Palacios had been missing for two years, although Wilson was paid a large ransom. Apparently, the remains were located after two people arrested admitted to the crime. Palacios obviously sat out Saturday's draw against Everton.

Truly sad.

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Norwichomon. Sunday: LB

Despite the drunken haze and Low Country malaise of Saturday, the best was yet to come. It arrived at 8.15 the following morning in the form of our obese bus driver, as he turned up, showered, shitted, and ready to navigate us slowly back to London. A quick stop at the hotel before heading to Wembley, the beautiful new jewel in the English crown. (We'll get to that later)

We boarded his tiny van and immediately discharged him of the responsibility of map-reading, because we had the overwhelming feeling that reading a colouring book might have proved too difficult. Bigus knew the roads from his home to the capital very well, and despite every effort by our driver to cock it up, we made the trip in record time.

Wembley, from afar. Oh, how lovely you are

And then, to Wembley, and what a sight it is. For a country so utterly hopeless with architecture, where hastily built housing estates dominate, the imposing sight of the new Wembley on the hill and its brilliant, cantilevered arch thing that serves no real function other than aesthetic (so forward-thinking, I know), is breathtaking. You soon forget what a pain in the arse it is to get there, what with heavy delays and overcrowding on the Tube line out to the stadium, and once we were liberated from our fart-stale van, a good mile out, we set about the backroads through an industrial estate to Wembley itself.

The first sight upon getting there was a large group of Man United fans, and the sight brought back nauseating memories of LFC/Man U games at Anfield. Even though the Carling Cup final opponents were Spurs, this particular rabble were singing and dancing songs about the Neville brothers and hating Scousers. It struck me as odd at the time, but in hindsight, those trollops can only focus on one team at a time, and regardless of their opposition, it always comes back to the Scouse.

It reminded me why I hate the Mancs; their missing genes and missing teeth are just the tip of the iceberg. On a proud day out, they waste their oxygen yakking about Liverpool. Granted, since then, our lads have spanked them in their own backyard, so maybe their songs come from a place of insecurity.

But I digress. This is about Tottenham, and their proud day out at Wembley!

We passed their encampment, a squalid little pub/bar with two floors and a front that made it look like a cross between a B&B and a halfway home. With police on horseback all over the place, the best we could hear were their Yid chants as they drank and drank at the wrong end of the stadium.

Moving around the front, we finally let RZM in on the secret: we were sitting in the Spurs Friends and Family section, in seats our friend had managed to procure from Jonathan Woodgate. I'm not sure what it says about Wooders that his allocated seats were so easily given away, but it was enough to send RZM on a punching frenzy. First, the air. Next, each one of us. That's just how he shows his affection, I suppose.

We got in and immediately set about sampling the pies. The bar was raised quite high by Delia the day before; after the Chicken Balti that was superb, Wembley's mass-produced stodge department had a cracker of their own in the ominous "meat" pie. Easily the highlight of the pie samplings we enjoyed on the trip, despite probably containing enough spare parts of animals and medieval butchering to fill a thousand outraged PETA propaganda videos. Another pie in quick succession and a couple more lukewarm lagers served in plastic cups (never trust a Yid with glassware) before we took our seats.

Walking up the passageway out to the stands is my favourite part of seeing live sport. The noise is tinny and funneled into your face as you get closer to the light, before it hits you full on like a Bigus curry fart once you see the pitch. It was gorgeous, as you'd expect; lush, pristine, well-groomed, and ready for the 120+ minutes of football that was about to take place.

The section of seating was right next to the media section where, in their little gated enclosure, the journalists and columnists would sit and watch, unimpressed, while their assistants frantically typed their reports for them and watched the replay monitors (we'd frequently get up and crane our necks to watch replays, something the giant screens at either end of the stadium didn't do too often). It's also the place where the pundits would horrendously misgrade the players for their performances, giving Jermaine Jenas sevens and eights where half that would have been more appropriate.

Look at the Spurs fans! They're easily distracted by big, wave-able objects, and good thing too!

Back to the pre-game; it appeared that the Spurs fans won the early merchandise game, as the Yids were decked out with big blue-and-white Spurs flags while the Mancs weren't to be trusted with such potential weaponry. It wouldn't take much to snap the wooden dowel in half and start spearing hapless North Londoners, and so, they were merch-free (or maybe they couldn't afford it?). As the teams came out, the stadium was packed to capacity, with the Yids going through the chants (including, bafflingly, "Super Pavlyuchenko" ad nauseam), flags raised high and waved as one would expect.

The Satanists affirm their allegiance via group spelling

The ad wizards at Carling had young ladies prancing across the pitch with giant Carling balloons, attached to which were small banners for each of the players starting the game. Each player had their own balloon, their own little banner thing, and their own disinterested, over-primped teenage girl doing the walk. It was as if the two giant Carling balloons, the center-circle Carling banner, and the pitch-side Carling hoardings wasn't enough. With every big sporting event, the corporation's gotta represent!

Ready to go...

And so, to the game itself. 'Arry was the first manager to leave his dugout recliner in order to gesture wildly at his lads, while Fergie sat back like you'd expect him to, comfortable in his old age and safe in the knowledge that his team, at half-strength for the final, didn't need much prompting.

Surprisingly, it was a decent 0-0. United had the lion's share of the scoring chances, mostly from broken play and wild shots from distance, while Spurs had only two real bright spots: Luka Modric and Aaron Lennon. Jenas was a depressing specter in midfield, doing nothing to halt United's advances. Lennon showed pace and menace down the right-wing, giving the English a glimmer of hope in the "who will replace Becks on the right?" stakes, although it didn't matter how hard he tried, for Super Pavlyuchenko and Darren Bent were fucking hopeless. Reduced to cantering in pursuit of long-balls from the back four, Pavs' most significant contribution was a free-kick from 25 yards that nearly broke the big screen high above goal.

So much for this bet. Money wasted!

King and Woodgate were more than equipped to deal with Danny Welbeck, and while Assou-Ekotto gave Ronaldo miles of space to collect possession on the right, he always managed to do enough on his heels to disrupt the stepovers.

Plotting how to choke the life out of the midfield...

For United, their youngsters showed why they're not quite there yet, while several of the fringe players were equally anonymous. Tevez ran a lot to accomplish little; Nani was average, as was most of their midfield. Once Ferguson brought on Anderson to switch to a 4-5-1, 'Arry dutifully followed suit and any fizz in the game was quickly released. Both teams clogged the midfield and played the hopeful cross-field passing game in an attempt to get round the back.

O'Shea should have been sent off, and Ronaldo was booked for a dive-that-wasn't after BAE hacked him down at the edge of the box.

The Redknapp Salute!

From there, it always looked like penalties. Despite late cameos from Bentley (crap) and Bale (surprisingly good on the left-wing; perhaps he should never play full-back again?), we closed with the inevitable; United, replete with slick technological advantages, won easily on penalties, including the hilariously poor effort from David Bentley. Why he moved to White Hart Lane, I'll never know.

RZM was despondent and quiet, despite several loud bursts of expletives at Bentley throughout extra-time; they were even more hilarious considering Bentley's folks were perched right behind us, muttering and sighing into their scarves. You know it's bad when even his family betray the same lack of confidence in their progeny as the 40,000 Yiddos packed around them.

Ronaldo's ready to shoot... wish he'd missed

Losing on penalties left him mute, and so we filtered out and battled the masses while trying to get down to Holborn so Bigus could do beers and banter with some old friends. On the tube away from Wembley, a proud, rugby-obsessed father sat opposite RZM and me, with his smug, red-headed daughter snuggled next to him. Over the course of the 30-minute ride, she near reduced our Yid to tears with her barbs, for which he had little in the way of G-rated comeback. A depressing end to a disheartening day.

Rooney's face should never be on the big screen

Pies, penalties and David Bentley.

We closed the night with bitters, soju and Korean food before decamping to the hotel for a nightcap and a few short hours rest. It didn't matter, as we missed our flight home.

All in all, Norwichomon was a raving success, and I look forward to next year, ever hopeful that we'll squeeze in a trip to Anfield. My digestive system is grateful for 11 months of rest in the meantime.

Don't forget to pay your respects to England legend Bobby Moore on your way out!

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EPL Liveblog: Hull City v. Tottenham Hotspur

Sorry Likely Lad... Spurs' Glory Days are just as far back in history

Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? Why do we continually subject our souls to this pain and suffering?

I'm not talking about the dismal weekend that just passed, aka "The Weekend the EPL Died", but the unenviable task of liveblogging a game between two teams about as attractive as Dirk Kuyt, and about as successful too.

It's the Battle of 13th vs. 16th!

Why do all signs point to this being awful? Well, Hull have lost 6 of their last 9 in the EPL (the other 3 games being draws, one of which was probably against Liverpool), and it's becoming increasingly difficult to remember the halcyon days of late October, when Hull were perched in 3rd place having accumulated 20 of their 29 points. Since then? 9 points from a possible 48.

Meanwhile, Spurs are sitting on pillows after the "Rape at Donetsk" and 'Arry tinkers with the lineup ahead of the Carling Cup Final on Sunday. Oh, and they've only managed 1 EPL win in their last 9.

I fear the worst.

Join me after the jump for tons of words describing the eye-bleeding nightmare from the KC Stadium. Here's hoping Spurs find some form before trying to topple Sir Alex Ferguson's Quintuple-Chasing Jenga.

Starting Lineups:
--
Hull City, in a "park the bus" 4-4-2: Duke, Ricketts, Turner, Gardner, Dawson, Marney, Ashbee, Zayatte, Kilbane, Garcia, Cousin.

Subs: Myhill, Doyle, Barmby, Geovanni, Halmosi, Manucho, Mendy.

Tottenham, in some kind of attacky, diamond 4-4-2, maybe: Cudicini, Corluka, Woodgate, King, Assou-Ekotto, Lennon, Jenas, Palacios, Modric, Keane, Bent.
Subs: Gomes, Zokora, Bentley, Huddlestone, Pavlyuchenko, Dawson, Chimbonda.

Referee: Lee Probert

Spurs are mired in rotations, so Keane and Bent will have a crack up-front while Gomes gets some rest ahead of Sunday, presumably because picking the ball out of the net 4-5 times against United will prove quite energy-sapping.

Hull, meanwhile, have dropped Geovanni and Mendy to the bench (why, I'm not quite sure; they're two of Hull's best players) and brought in Kevin "The Human Mule" Kilbane and Ian Ashbee, presumably to kick lumps out of Luka's legs while holding down the midfield.

We're almost ready for kickoff... Phil is right to feel dread. After all, Hull's PA system is playing that ominous song by Fatboy Slim/DJ Shadow/RJD2 (I forget who it is... sad, I know) that gets all the Northerners reet fired up for a good evenin' out.

Big Sam is in attendance, presumably with a few Sudoku puzzles tucked in his pocket for the dull moments when he's not scouting Blackburn's next EPL opponent.

And there's Robbie Keane with the armband, trying to get the lads fired up in the tunnel. And a Nick Barmby sighting!

As the teams spill out, I think I hear that dreadful song by one-hit "wonders" (and I use the term loosely) Republica. It's hard to find a worse song than that one. Really.

For further proof, consult the video:



Nevermind that, we're ready for kick-off!

1 min: Hull kick off, and immediately hoof it forward. Why am I not surprised?

3 mins: There's Bernard Mendy, warming up after arriving late (thanks, Ibra). Hull win their first corner, which Andy Dawson readies to take...

... and it coulda-woulda-shoulda been 1-0 Tigers! An unmarked header for Richard Garcia in the thick of the six-yard box, but he puts it off-target and despite good work by Gardner to keep it in, the chance is gone.

6 mins: Sam Ricketts does his best Jose Bosingwa impression, sprinting free down the right but failing to do anything with the possession. Spurs clean it up, and then Andy Dawson comes in late on Aaron Lennon, but gets no card.

8 mins: Nevermind, as Dawson gets his card barely a minute later, needlessly shoving Lennon to the floor after he beats him inside for pace. Spurs now have 82 minutes to get Dawson sent off, as he's clearly up for it.

10 mins: Some pressure for Spurs, with their second corner in quick succession. Modric ruined the first one, so he'll try again. It's cleared easily by Kamil Zayatte.

Palacios and Zayatte clash heads, and both appear to be a little dazed. Sorry lads, you're not hallucinating or concussed: you are actually playing in a Hull v. Spurs match on a Monday night.

12 mins: Hull are camping down at Tottenham's end with some good pressure. Corluka gives up a couple of throw-ins, and then concedes a corner under pressure from Cousin. LFC should buy Ricketts, because he is a full-back who appears to be able to cross the ball. Jenas heads over his own bar for the 3rd Hull corner already. Dawson takes, and Woodgate nods it away.

16 mins: Communication Breakdown, it's always the saaaaaaame.... especially when you're Spurs. A speculative long ball by Ricketts brings Cudicini off his line to collect, but Jonathan Woodgate has other ideas! He flicks it back to his keeper but it ends up flying past Carlo's shoulder and slowly towards goal. Luckily for Wooders, Cudicini gets back just in time to stop it going in.

Good spell of pressure for Hull, and Spurs don't appear that capable of stopping them. I repeat: Phil, you were right to be worried.

16 mins: Hull have a couple of shots at goal, to no avail. Spurs break down the other end via Darren Bent, but Gardner tackles him perfectly in the box and concedes a corner.

Modric to take...

... GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and that takes the pressure off, doesn't it? Some dreadful, dreadful defending from the short corner catches Hull out. Modric plays it short to Aaron Lennon standing all alone at the top of the box, and no-one closes him down. He controls and shoots, curling it inside the left post with only Ian Ashbee making the effort to stop him. Pathetic effort at the back by Hull. Hull City 0, Tottenham Hotspur 1

18 mins: Hull come close to equalizing immediately! Zayatte gets through on goal, miraculously, burning past Corluka, but his touch on the ball is lead-footed and Cudicini slide-tackles the ball to safety.

20 mins: The Tigers aren't entirely done yet, but Ashbee's lucky to escape a yellow card with a cynical late tackle on Keane when it looked like Hull's defense was beaten yet again. If Ashbee doesn't trip Robbie, then Darren Bent is 1-on-1 with the goalie. Having said that, there's no guarantee that Bent would finish even with those good odds.

23 mins: Saying the game had become "scrappy" would be an understatement. Darren Bent thinks he's won another corner, but the ref says it's a throw. It was obviously a corner, for those keeping score at home. That's how unexciting things are at the moment.

The last 5 minutes, in bullet-point:

- throw-in
- throw-in
- corner
- tackle
- free-kick
- throw-in
- sideways passing
- complete and utter boredom

26 mins: Ugly stuff. Hull get a move going with a long ball to Cousin. He holds it up and gives it to Ricketts wide. His cross is ballooning a mile away from goal, but Corluka decides to thigh it behind for a corner, just to make sure. They waste that one, but then win another corner as Ashbee's cross gets deflected behind...

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, Michael Turner. It all comes back to that needless corner conceded by Corluka. The theme of the day is "absolutely woeful defending".

On corner #2, Cudicini shows why he's better off collecting paychecks on the bench for the better part of a decade, coming to collect the corner but muffing it miserably. It takes a knock towards goal, and Turner bundles it in. Is it just me, or should Spurs spend 50 million pounds on Iker Casillas? Nevermind, it wouldn't make a lick of difference. I'm beginning to think there's a curse on Spurs goalkeepers. Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 1

Definitely one of the worst goals you'll see all season.

28 mins: Danny Cousin attempts to atone for the ugly goal by ripping a wicked shot from 20-odd yards, but it's narrowly wide of the post. Good effort.

30 mins: Another corner for Spurs. Modric delivers right in the danger area, but Woodgate's flick lands at Ledley King's feet. From 8 yards out, he does what you'd expect him to do: spoon it over the bar.

33 mins: Hull with more good pressure. I'd put money on 'em scoring again before Spurs do. The last 10 minutes have seen Hotspur playing headless chickens while Hull try to grit, spirit and hustle the ball into the net.

Dean Marney lofts a cross to the back post, but Garcia can only half-volley it wide.

'Arry looks livid on the sidelines. I don't think he's happy with his squad. AGAIN. Expect the post-game chatter to involve him eviscerating the old boss for the players he's now forced to work with.

37 mins: Spurs' midfield has become as effective as wet toilet paper. Palacios loses possession and Hull break with Garcia, but his through-ball to Cousin was too heavy, not that it mattered; Danny C was a mile offside.

Spurs have subs warming up already. Both Dawson and Pavlyuchenko have been forced to jog and tip-toe down the sideline. Will we see the rare sub before half-time that isn't due to injury?

39 mins: THERE! I SEE ROBBIE KEANE WITH BALL AT HIS FEET! He gives it to Aaron Lennon, presumably so he doesn't have to do anything, and Lennon wins a corner. Modric tries it short again as the Tigers only send one out to defend, but it is cleared rather easily. Don't bring that weak cross action into Michael Turner's house.

40 mins: Ahh, a shame, that. Hull with another great move, cued by another good, strong run by Sam Ricketts. He played Marney free wide on the right and continued his run, meeting Marney's cross in the middle but it was just an inch too high for him. His free, open header ends up wide of Cudicini's goal.

42 mins: Ian Ashbee shows why he's the Hull captain, lumbering into Modric's stomach/forehead with his boot and getting a yellow card for his neanderthal challenge. Spurs put the free-kick deep, but Keane-o is offside. Whoops, Robbie.

44 mins: It's all rather frantic in the midfield as Hull throw themselves at the ball with every opportunity, breaking up the middle yet again with Kevin Kilbane. Modric trips him for no apparent reason (Kilbane was all alone moving forward), and gets himself a yellow card. Dean Marney and co. stand over the ball, 30 yards out, ready to take.

Andy Dawson takes it with his left foot and bends it high and wide over the top.

2 minutes to be added on... I wish it weren't true.

45 mins + 1: Robbie Keane is whistled for a foul in the Hull area, much to his amazement. That spell at Liverpool has done wonders for his confidence.

Darren Bent is then caught offside in pursuit of a long ball, surely meaning the end of this first half. I really hope it is the end.

HALF TIME: Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 1
Not the worst match I've ever seen, but it's coming close. The Tigers are running rampant in midfield, but only have that one bundled goal to show for it. Meanwhile, Robbie Keane and Darren Bent have shown themselves to be complete and utter shit.

To illustrate, another song from the melodically-challenged band, Republica:



The combination of that needless techno beat, mixed with those lazy pop-rock guitars, makes me want to murder Lucas Leiva Andrea Dossena someone.

And we are back.

48 mins: Spurs win a corner off Turner and take it short to Lennon, but he wastes it. It's cleared as far as Jenas, and he does more than he's done all day, skipping past one challenge and crossing from the byline, but Zayatte heads it out for a corner.

Spurs try the same trick, taking it short to Jenas who's standing much where Lennon was when he scored, but it amounts to nothing. Still, Hull fail to clear, and Bent forces a decent save with a low volley.

The Tigers counter and win a corner of their own, the 13th corner of the game.

Cudicini makes a mess of it again, and it drops to Kilbane who shoots on the turn, blocked at the last second by Lennon.

51 mins: But wait, another Spurs corner! Zayatte clears it without too much trouble.

52 mins: It's all happening now! The corner is cleared as far as Robbie Keane. The Irishman dribbles to the edge of the box and cuts it back for Palacios, and his volley is blocked by Antony Gardner. The defender didn't know much about that, considering the speed on the shot... surely a goal if Gardner's chest didn't absorb that one...

... and it's another Spurs corner. It's cleared after Jenas fluffs his shot, but it comes to Modric, who dribbles past Turner but takes one too many touches and puts his cross/shot over the bar. Goal kick Hull, and a temporary lull in the flurry of corner kicks.

55 mins: Duke shanks a backpass right to Robbie Keane, and in trying to lob the keeper, he chips it 10 yards wide of the post. Not good, Robbie. I wonder which of 'Arry's relatives could have scored that. His nan? his aunt?

It's all Spurs thus-far in the second half, which inevitably means they'll concede a goal shortly.

57 mins: Lennon has a chance to run straight at the Hull defense, but he takes a touch too many and feeds Bent wide, but Bent's pull-back is smothered by the goalie.

Then, at the other end, Cudicini tries to mess up a decent cross from Dean Marney, not catching it but punching it down into the turf right in front of Cousin before collecting it on the bounce.

Another Spurs corner! I cannot keep up. Modric wastes it.

59 mins: Darren Bent can't control the long ball, and the video cuts to a crimson-faced 'Arry on the touchline, gesticulating wildly and yelling to anyone who will listen.

Hull win a corner off Ledley King, and it's Marney to take from the left...

... Cudicini bitch-slaps it to safety, and when Ricketts floats it back in, Gardner is a mile offside and the danger disappears.

Spurs break with Lennon in the middle, and Palacios wins ANOTHER CORNER when his weak cross is deflected behind. Don't worry Tigers fans... Modric wastes it.

It's alright though, as they win another f*cking corner off Sam Rickett's back. Modric puts it to the back post, where Darren Bent fouls in the air. Dismal. By my count, 22 corners thus far?

63 mins: Nothing of note happening. Just more wasted corners and long throw-ins. Spurs do at least have some stability in the midfield so far in the second half, but they're doing as much with it as Hull, that is to say, nothing.

Dear oh dear, Aaron. With a good, quick attack, Lennon cuts it back to the top of the box, where it finds Ian Ashbee. Hull break down the left with Dean Marney, but Kilbane puts the header into the side netting from close range.

66 mins: Lennon is bundled down 25 yards out, and Modric actually delivers a good cross. He floats it onto Corluka's noggin, but his free header skims off the top of the bar. Nice work by the Croat duo.

Phil Brown takes a second to make a substitution, removing Daniel Cousin in favour of Bernard "Tardy" Mendy. Here comes the 4-5-1, folks...

70 mins: It's become very sloppy. A few fouls, a throw-in here and there. Robbie Keane just lost possession in the Hull area while trying to make room to shoot, and Pavlyuchenko is ready to enter the fray at the next stoppage.

But who will he replace? Bent, or Keane? Which storyline will the press harp on endlessly in response?

72 mins: Yep, and it's Dazza Bent. An utterly crap game by the No. 10, and here comes a Spurs striker lacking in confidence to replace a Spurs striker lacking in confidence. The other Spurs striker lacking in confidence is still on the pitch, while the only Spurs striker with confidence continues to rehab his injury. Hilarious, really.

74 mins: Corner to Hull, after great defending by Ledley King to deny Marney some room.

It's corner #20, so I was wrong earlier.

Mendy fouls Palacios, apparently, although it looked like the Spurs midfielder wrapped himself around Bernard's legs first. That said, it doesn't matter. The long ball to Pavs is a waste, as the Russian is offside.

Discussion Question:
Which Russian striker will have more of an impact in the EPL over time? Arshavin, or Pavlyuchenko?

76 mins: Corner #21, this one for the home side. What will they do with this one? Andy Dawson to take...

... so close!! Kamil Zayatte has a free header, and puts hit off the far post with Cudicini beaten. Hull have Corner #22 immediately, but Zayatte puts that free header agonizingly wide.

Darren Bent is on the bench icing the side of his head, presumably to soothe the perforated eardrum he just received from a furious 'Arry. The cold stops the bleeding, apparently.

79 mins: Hull make another substitution, bringing off an exhausted Dicky Garcia and putting Manucho on for the final 10 minutes.

80 mins: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzHull caught offsidezzzzzzzzzzz

Tonight's attendance was almost 25,000. I am amazed.

Mendy's offside again, and the vein in Phil Brown's temple begins to bulge ominously. He's not happy, and neither am I... this game has been rubbish since half-time.

82 mins: Dean Marney has time and space to run and shoot, but it's blocked by Woodgate for a throw-in.

Andy Dawson has a head injury, as he dared to clash with the mighty Pavlyuchenko. He looks alright, however. It's the rest of us that are worse for wear.

85 mins: Pressure for Spurs, as Duke slices his clearance out for a throw-in. Jenas has a shot, but Gardner gives up another corner.

Modric to take short to Lennon...

... and GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL. The most undeserved goal in the history of anything ever. The corner is bungled, as one might expect, but Assou-Ekotto picks up the pieces, loses his marker on the left wing, and floats in a wonderful cross that Jonathan Woodgate powers in at the far post. Not much Hull's backline could do about that, but shit... the law of averages would dictate that after some 14-odd corners, you'd get one right. Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 2

Phil Brown puts on Giovanni to replace Zayatte, as a desperate late move.

'Arry puts Zokora on to protect the lead, removing Aaron Lennon.

88 mins: Woodgate cannot stop putting his head on things! After meeting that BAE cross a minute ago, he puts his head on Corluka's elbow and splits his eyebrow open. Claret spilled everywhere! 'Arry brings him off and gives Michael Dawson a run-out, against his brother. What intrigue!

90 mins: Cudicini does well under a cross for once, leaping and holding onto the ball under pressure from Marney.

4 minutes of added time, and if the result holds, a cruel twist of fate for a Hull side that looked good value for at least a point.

90 mins + 2: CORNER FOR HULL. Can they steal an equalizer?

The cross is met by Cudicini's fist, but Spurs can't scramble it too far from goal and Robbie Keane gives up a throw-in deep at the Spurs end.

It's cleared to Andy Dawson, but he puts a cross out for a Spurs goalkick. D'oh.

90 mins + 3: This is it, folks! 70 seconds from victory for a crap Spurs team that'll have trouble keeping the score under double digits on Sunday. I will be sure to report back, as I'll actually be at that game. Should be good.

A long ball into the Spurs box is flicked on as far as Geovanni, but he can't meet the flick and Cudicini collects.

FULL TIME: Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 2
A rubbish game of football, but Spurs get a win thanks to Woodgate's forehead. The home crowd boo and hiss, while 'Arry and his limp-wristed lads climb up to 14th.

The winless streak for the Tigers continues, and Spurs are now 5 points clear of the drop. I'm not entirely convinced they'll avoid it, but this massive away win will help.

I'm off to bathe in chloroform to get the stink off. I feel dirty for having watched that. Thanks for playing along in the comments!

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Sunday Open Thread: Today is Groundhog Day

Tottenham: Where boyhood dreams go to die.

This room... there's something about this room. And that guy over there-- I know him! But from where? When? It's a strange sensation, like we've all been here before.

And of course, we have. Arsenal and their bright new [boyish-looking] foreign star are visiting White Hart Lane for a showdown, if we can call it that, with Tottenham Redux. Robbie Keane makes his debut (again) today and does so as captain, which just makes the whole thing that much more bizarre. But as with truth and war, this type of moral ambiguity doesn't play so well during a relegation battle. So I'll stash it until things are more.. emmm... comfortable. (Note: Arsenal not expected to play Arshavin. Tottenham not expected to play well. Prediction: Spurs 2, Arse 2)

Elsewhere in London, West Ham play host to Man. U. in a match they will lose either 0-1 or 0-5. I'll put my money on the former if only because the Liverpool fans are so heavily invested in the outcome and everything for them this season is a blathering, teary-eyed melodrama. (Prediction: Manchester United 1, West Ham United 0)
Update! Lingering is threatening to liveblog this, so beware...

The fixtures and squads after the jump.



TOTTENHAM vs ARSENAL -- White Hart Lane -- 8.30 am

Tottenham: Cudicini, Gomes, Alnwick, Corluka, Dawson, Woodgate, Assou-Ekotto, Chimbonda, Lennon, Huddlestone, Jenas, Zokora, Modric, Keane, Pavlyuchenko, Campbell, Bent, Bale, Taarabt, Rocha, Giovani,

Arsenal: Almunia, Sagna, Gallas, Toure, Clichy, Nasri, Denilson, Song, Eboue, Adebayor, Van Persie, Fabianski, Djourou, Gibbs, Wilshere, Vela, Bendtner, Ramsey, Arshavin..


***


WEST HAM vs MAN U -- Upton Park -- 11.00 am

West Ham: Green, Neill, Collins, Upson, Ilunga, Behrami, Parker, Noble, Savio, Collison, Cole, Di Michele, Boa Morte, Lastuvka, Lopez, Spector, Tomkins, Tristan, Sears, Kovac.

Man. Utd: Van der Sar, Foster, Kuszczak, Brown, Eckersley, Ferdinand, Vidic, O'Shea, Evra, Ronaldo, Carrick, Scholes, Fletcher, Gibson, Giggs, Park, Tosic, Berbatov, Rooney, Tevez, Possebon.

Read more on "Sunday Open Thread: Today is Groundhog Day"...

'Arry Redknapp, explained

At UF, some of us are getting a little sick of 'Arry. While his soundbites are a constant source of entertainment, his conduct when it comes to unsettling the dregs of the EPL for his fiendish White Hart Lane rebuilding job is becoming rather tedious. I swear he's penned love letters for just about every ex-Spurs player and sold them all to the Daily Mail.

Barely a day goes by without yet another public remark about a player he's in love with!

Thankfully, when he's not professing fondness for someone at another club, he's busy confusing the press with his circular speak, and a smart man named Jim Duggan at Topspurs decided to put 'Arry and his words into a handy wallchart.

We salute his work, and his keen sense of satire!

Chart after the jump.

Click to see it full-size

Read more on "'Arry Redknapp, explained"...

FA Cup Liveblog: Manchester United v. Spurs

Grim and grimmer.

It's been a rough week, but what better way to recuperate than on the couch with a few beers and two EPL teams clashing in the FA Cup? Well, they're both likely fielding youngsters, so I guess it could be a bit better.

For example, I'd prefer seeing some top league action this weekend, much like Precious Roy outlined below. He's got some good ideas, that man. Should Sepp fall prey to syphilis, I think I know who I'd nominate to replace him.

But I digress.

It's FA Cup! Fourth Round! Old Trafford! Sir Alex Ferguson! 'Arry!

Come 1-0 with me after the jump. Believe me, Torquay v. Coventry was just the beginning.

LINEUPS FOR THIS OH-SO-PRESTIGIOUS CLASH:
Man Utd: Foster, O'Shea, Neville, Vidic, Fabio Da Silva, Welbeck, Carrick, Scholes, Ronaldo, Berbatov, Tevez.
Subs: Kuszczak, Giggs, Tosic, Fletcher, Possebon, Chester, Eckersley.

Tottenham: Alnwick, Gunter, Corluka, Dawson, Assou-Ekotto, Bentley, Huddlestone, Zokora, Bale, Modric, Pavlyuchenko.
Subs: Gomes, Gilberto, Giovani, Taarabt, Defoe, Rocha, Dervite.

Fresh off his howler in the Carling Cup, young Ben Alnwick gets another chance to prove that he knows how to play goalkeeper. In front of him, a relatively full-strength XI, although the absence of Wonder Striker Darren Bent means they're severely weakened up front. Ah, who am I kidding? They'd be better served with Titus Bramble up front.

The presence of Gareth Bale surely foretells doom, although it's nice to see 'Arry live up to his dishonest reputation: all that talk about fielding the "weakest team I can possibly find" was bollocks, wasn't it? He's having a go, and like always, he's looking to steal a win. He won't do that with the suddenly-crap Bentley in the lineup.

Meanwhile, Fergie's bait-and-switch from the Derby fixture sees some first-teamers sprinkled amid a slew of players I've never heard of. The young Brazilian Fabio gets his first-team debut, so good for him, I reckon. Carlos must be feeling the love at getting a run-out in yet another meaningless fixture. He's got the morose Bulgarian up top for company, while the bench is littered with children, and Dennis Eckersley?

Off we go.

1 min: Bentley does what he does best, taking possession in midfield and running left to right across the pitch before dribbling it out of play. Carrick was happy to shepherd him on his merry way, and 'Arry surely wonders why on earth any manager would pay as much for him as Ramos did.

3 mins: Early "pressure" (and I use that term loosely) for Spurs, with Bentley winning a corner-that-wasn't-really-a-corner under pressure from young Fabio. Bale swings it to the far post, but after some header tennis, it ends up safely in Ben Foster's arms.

5 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL... my oh my. It's that useless Russian striker! Lords-a-leaping. A weak cross gets half-heartedly cleared by Fabio only as far as Huddlestone, and his delicate cross into the thick of the box finds Pavlyuchenko's head and he helps it on its way, glancing it just inside the far post. Foster barely moved, and Vidic was fast asleep in coming across. Soft defending from Man United, and as a Liverpool fan, I take mild solace from it. Here's hoping this carries over to the league. Nice cross by Tubblestone for that one. Manchester United 0, Spurs 1

8 mins: There's a buzz in the air as the United fans try to sing their team back into it. The Reds don't look like they've woken up yet, or maybe they're hung over from that shaky midweek performance. It's typical United at the mo, passing it around rather aimlessly while Spurs look to have shown us their gameplan: get those crosses in and hope for the best.

11 mins: Scholes goes the aerial route, lofting a long ball forward that Assou-Ekotto can only head into Berbatov's path, but the Bulgarian drags his shot from the edge of the box and it was always going wide. Better luck next time, tosser.

15 mins: United are beginning to assert some authority over the midfield, but the final pass forward isn't quite working yet. Then young Danny Welbeck attempts to relieve Assou-Ekotto of his leg below the ankle via a late tackle/stomp, but he's unsuccessful.

17 mins: Better from United as Fabio intercepts a pass and releases Berbatov down the middle. He finds O'Shea wide but the final cross is awful and the danger subsides for now.

A few seconds later, Carlos Tevez makes the case to Fergie for more playing time with a fizzing shot from 20 yards that cracks off the crossbar with Alnwick beaten. Spurs can't sit back for 70 minutes, if they were planning on it.

19 mins: Ronaldo finds out that the step-over is a privilege, not a right. Six of them at the edge of the box before two Spurs defenders promptly relieve him of possession.

20 mins: Tottenham defend like statues! Welbeck receives the ball wide right, cuts all the way in, plays a one-two with Tevez(?) and skips through two more tackles. Clean through on goal, he dallies on the ball for a second and Chris Gunter slides in at the last second to block a sure equalizer. Spurs are showing exactly why taking an early lead at Old Trafford isn't always a good thing.

Scholes blazes a shot from 25 yards over the bar, and a minute later, Ronaldo does the same. Surely it's just a matter of time before they equalize, right?

22 mins: A mazy run-and-cross by Fabio down the left falls to Tevez in the middle, and his reflex shot requires a brilliant save from Alnwick to keep Spurs' advantage. United are just murdering Spurs down the left wing. I blame David Bentley.

24 mins: Can Gareth Bale defend? Acres of room behind him for Welbeck to sneak forward and deliver a dangerous cross into the six-yard-box, one that Corluka thumps out for another United corner. The pressure on the Spurs' backline is relentless at the moment.

25 mins: Scratch that, United are murdering Spurs down both wings. Scholes finds Welbeck wide right again, but his pass to John O'Shea is promptly wasted and Spurs clear their lines again.

You know how I know Fabio is Brazilian? Because he's great on the ball and he knows how to foul. He shoves Gunter to the floor for the easiest free-kick decision in history. Bentley loops it in but O'Shea clears, and then from the other wing, Bale crosses for Pavs but Foster comes 15 yards off his line to collect. It's the first thing he's had to do since picking the ball out of the net 20 minutes ago.

Gareth Bale is a team of one. A 30 yard run into traffic on the M6 would have been more useful.

32 mins: Welbeck tries to emulate Maradona's 2nd goal against England in the '86 World Cup, picking up the ball well wide on the right and dribbling his way in towards goal. However, after turning Assou-Ekotto inside-out a few times, he finally loses possession. He's good on the ball, but this is Spurs he's playing against! He can't just walk the ball into the net! (Or can he?)

34 mins: For such a big fella, Huddlestone isn't very imposing on the pitch. He lets Tevez ghost by him with nary a nudge or hip-check, and Carlos' run ends when Bale deflects his cross out for a corner.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and it's Huddlestone again! Showing why he's not good at football once more (as if we didn't see it less than 30 seconds prior... defensive midfielders need to be able to defend, you know), a rehearsed Man U corner comes to Scholes at the edge of the box. He rifles the ball low and hard through the crowd, and it deflects off Huddlestone's heel and into the back of the net. Poor Tom. Manchester United 1, Spurs 1

36 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and Fergie can rejoice! Dimitar Berbatov demonstrates his worth with a nicely-taken goal. It's two former Spurs players doing the damage; Carrick floats a wonderful long ball right into Dimitar's path, and with a mile of space between Dawson and Corluka (you can bet 'Arry is going to have words at half-time), he controls the ball perfectly and smacks the ball past Foster into the bottom left corner. Wonderful goal from a team I absolutely hate. Manchester United 2, Spurs 1

41 mins: How will Spurs respond? Perhaps they need to begin their response by locating Luka Modric, a guy who's touched the ball maybe thrice in this first-half. When their most enterprising player thus far is named David Bentley, there's trouble afoot.

43 mins: Not good from Spurs, although arguably they've performed better in 43 minutes than they did in 118 against Burnley the other night. Bale tries to break the offside trap, but fails miserably. Where o where is Darren Bent?!?!!?

A Modric sighting! He gets possession and with room to run, although his cross to Pavlyuchenko never makes it. United make easy work of the clearance. They've made easy work of everything thus far. Painful.

45 mins + 1: Blow the bloody whistle already. United knock the ball from side-to-side like they're on the training ground while Spurs chase possession half-heartedly.

HALF TIME: Manchester United 2, Spurs 1

And now, a video of Dimitar Berbatov being interviewed by children:



47 mins: Giovani is on for Spurs, replacing the absentee midfielder Luka Modric. Bentley swings in a decent deep cross from the right. Foster leaves it, Vidic leaves it, O'Shea leaves it, but Bale doesn't! He sneaks around the back and catches it on the volley, but it's off his shin and nowhere near the target.

49 mins: Huddlestone does play defender for just a second, blocking off Ronaldo's low cutback after a decent run down the left. Man U waste the corner.

52 mins: United turn on the speed with Tevez again gearing the attack in the middle. He sets Welbeck loose down the right, but Danny boy thunders the cross well into the stands.

54 mins: Fabio knackers his ankle, requiring a substitution. It's another tiny Ginger in the form/shape of Richard Eckersley. I'm assuming this is his first-team debut? O'Shea moves to left-back, proving that inconsistency can be two-footed, and Eckersley takes his spot at right-back.

57 mins: United switch off a bit and give Spurs some time on the ball. Nice of 'em, really. Bale gets free down the left and rockets a cross from one wing to the other. Bentley meets it on the right of the box and is able to unleash a wicked volley, full of power and swerve, but it's miles wide. Still, mildly encouraging for 'Arry and Spurs, although if David is looking to replicate his freakish long-range effort from that 4-4 Arsenal game, he'll have to do better than that. According to conventional wisdom, lightning, and speculative volleys, don't strike twice.

60 mins: The thug in Vidic escapes for a second, as he follows up a poor first-touch with a clumsy lunge into Giovani's legs after losing possession. He gets a yellow card for his efforts.

65 mins: It's Bentley again! Well, almost. Nice counter-attack by Spurs sparked by Giovani down the middle. He finds Gunter wide right, and his cutback sets up nicely for Bentley, but his shot loses some pace via a deflection and ends up in Foster's stomach.

67 mins: Ronaldo's pulling a bit of a Modric at the moment, looking rather quiet out on the left wing. He does get a bit of a run at Gunter, cutting inside and shooting early for the near post, but Alnwick parries it and Corluka clears.

Spurs have a chance! They're subbing out Gareth Bale! On comes Adel Taarabt in his stead.

70 mins: If 'Arry thinks his team aren't really interested, he'll be certain of that now. Bentley's cross is cleared straight up into the sky by Neville, and not a single Spurs player thinks to go after it. It exits orbit, bounces, spends what seems like an eternity in the air before Foster finally comes out to collect. Dire.

71 mins: Ronaldo gets a bit of room up front and forces a good save from Alnwick, briefly waking up the Old Trafford crowd.

The boredom is broken by some substitutions: United remove Ronaldo and give a debut to the New Ronaldo, Goran Tosic, while 'Arry begins to quiet the conspiracy theories that he has no interest in winning by throwing Jermain Defoe on the pitch for a 20-minute runabout. However, he takes off Bentley in the process, arguably Spurs' brightest star this afternoon, so it's all relative.

76 mins: Eckersley wins a free kick for his troubles after wrong-footing Taarabt on the right. Spurs don't clear effectively, giving both Scholes and Carrick a chance to shoot from the top of the box. Scholes' effort was blocked by Zokora/Zokora's stomach, and Carrick tries to bend it round and over the top, succeeding only in giving someone a closer look at the ball in the proverbial Row ZZ.

80 mins: Tevez tries to inspire something in a one-two with Welbeck, but the return from Carlos to Danny ends up in Alnwick's grasp. Poor final ball, summing up the frustration and misfiring of the entire second half for both teams. Absolute rubbish, thus far. I've seen Chelsea-Liverpool EPL games with more gusto and excitement than this.

82 mins: The only player on the pitch with energy levels above that of a heroin addict is Carlos Tevez. There is no Spurs player he will not chase, no loose ball he will not pursue at full speed. Still, one man can't do it all. Spurs win a corner thanks to Vidic. Will something finally happen? Taarabt to take...

... and it's cleared with ease. Huddlestone jogs over to collect the loose ball and attempts to give it back to Taarabt some 40 yards cross-field, but it's out for a United throw. Not good, Tom. Not good.

83 mins: Assou-Ekotto gets free down the left and cuts it back for Giovani, but from a tight angle, he can only volley over the bar. Frustrating stuff.

84 mins: A Spurs equalizer would be nice, but remember: that means we'd have a replay and another 90 minutes of this passionless shite to endure in a couple of weeks, this time at White Hart Lane. That might be a good thing.

86 mins: Welbeck picks up a knock in his attempt to get on the end of a Carlos Tevez pass, and he's subbed off, limping down the tunnel to mild applause. Darren Fletcher replaces him.

So many players haven't justified the ticket price today: Ronaldo, Berbatov (despite the goal), Pavlyuchenko (again, despite the goal), Scholes, Modric, Huddlestone. Tevez and Bentley have given it some effort though. Still, you know Fergie's not putting Carlos ahead of Dimitar or Wayne in that regular first-team XI.

89 mins: Tireless, Tevez attempts to put the game beyond doubt, but he can't do it all himself. Tosic plays a clever chip over the top but Carlos doesn't get to it in time, and Spurs scramble clear.

Four minutes of added time before we can all get on with our lives.

90 mins + 1: If you think Spurs might actually go down this season, I wouldn't disagree at this point. They chase possession against a United side that's only 50% interested in winning, and yet every single time they get it, they immediately give it back. It's Taarabt's turn to receive the ball on the right, jog forward 20 paces before "crossing" right to Gary Neville. Pavlyuchenko could take a nap at the edge of the area if he wanted to. After all, it's not like any of these passes will ever actually make it to him.

90 mins + 3: Last chance saloon as Zokora wins a free-kick. He lofts it into the box towards no-one in particular, and United clear with ease. John O'Shea hoofs it out of play, and 'Arry is bemused once again. What are the odds that he's quietly faxing out his resume when Daniel Levy's out to lunch?

Taarabt shows a flicker of life on the right wing, but Tosic is up to the challenge. Again Taarabt has a go at beating Tosic, and he does, but his cross is a grass-cutter and ends up out for another throw. Another shallow cross and Taarabt, seemingly a magnet for the ball, shoots into a crowd of red shirts. It deflects off Scholes (though I'm not sure he knew much about it) and the Spurs players all appeal frantically for a handball in the area, not because they actually believe it hit their hand, but more because they feel like that's what a player on a desperate team should do at that moment in time. No whistle from ref Walton, and seconds later, he blows for full-time.

Easily the worst half of football I've seen in a long time.

FULL TIME: Manchester United 2, Spurs 1

Ladies and gents, Tottenham are a dire, dire football team. They're awful. Any combination of half-hearted, disinterested players doesn't matter. Any XI they put out yields the same result: 60 seconds of competent football lost amid 89 minutes of passionless ineptitude.

I didn't actually think this relegation zone flirtation would last, but after the performances they've given in the last week, it makes complete and total sense. They're terrible. I feel bad for them. They could actually go down.

Meanwhile, United amble into the 5th Round, keeping the absurd dream of a Quadruple alive. Of course they won't manage it, but it irritates me greatly that they even have an outside chance of making it happen.

That's it for today. Maybe another liveblog tomorrow for Liverpool/Everton (and the potential murder of Tim Cahill), but DEFINITELY ANOTHER LIVEBLOG TONIGHT as Spectator will cover that US/Sweden encounter. After all, we didn't finish as the 4th Best US Soccer Blog without this kind of unbeatable USMNT/USWNT/MLS coverage.

Join us tonight for that, and in the meantime, try to drink the memory of this FA Cup tie out of your brain. It's the only way.

Read more on "FA Cup Liveblog: Manchester United v. Spurs"...

Dispatches from the Relegation Zone: Mrs. Redknapp Edition

It may be time for a new strike partner for Jermain Defoe

Prose simply cannot do this justice. With apologies to Frank O'Hara:

Am I to become profligate as if I were Darren Bent? Or impracticable
as if I were Welsh?

Each time a Spurs player is knocked off the ball it makes me feel more contemptuous
(and how the same names keep recurring on that interminable
list!), but one of these days there’ll be no Premier League football left with
which to venture forth...

I am the least difficult of men. All I want is a striker who can stick home a header from A HALF-YARD OUT!!

Alas, Harry Redknapp is not one to confront emergency with a meditation. We'd say Harry is a bit more direct than that. He says things like, "My missus could have scored that one!"... and "I was out of my seat to celebrate and David James was waiting to pick the ball out of the net." He says, "I'd send Gareth Bale back to Southampton with a laverbread in return and call it a huge boost considering!" Actually, he didn't say that last part. We'd have liked it if he did.

What else would we like?
Big ups to Bigus on the photoshop


As Spurs supporters (not fans, the only thing I'm fanatical about this moment is never seeing Gareth Bale at left back ever again... let this Dark Night pass!) yes, yes, the supporters-- what we'd like is some competence.

The team is obviously flawed. There's more balance at Bellevue. More depth in my bathtub. But that doesn't excuse utter ineptitude. And that's why Bent's disaster cuts so deep. It's not that a more talented striker would have been more likely to score. It's that an even significantly lesser player would have been no less disappointed with the miss.

This is the story of the Tottenham team. It is a story of individuals failing to do their jobs. In New York, men are landing passenger jets on water. At White Hart Lane, they couldn't head a football into the Thames.

Incompetence.

At Wigan, one week before. This is the team our beloved Harry picked to take on the surging Latics:

Gomes

Corluka --- Dawson --- Woodgate --- Bale

King

Zokora --- O'Hara

Modric

Pavlyuchenko --- Defoe

Now, here is a verse from the Radiohead song, "Morning Bell."

The lights are on but nobody's home
Everybody wants to be a
The lights are on but nobody's home
Everybody wants to be a singer
Walking walking walking...

Please compare these two bits of poetry-- a teamsheet is a bit like poetry, no? Like ee Cummings maybe. Now tell me, of the above, which is more reasonable? I'd have to say honestly, truly, the Radiohead lyrics make more sense.***

Surely there is a fix. UF's resident Spurs supporter Phil and I bang on about it whenever the subject appears. The menu reads as such: defensive midfield player, new striker, cover in defense, and a backup keeper the manager will use if his starting keeper is crippled on the field of the play. If the Palacios deals goes down, and it's looking good, the midfield would be vastly improved. If he were a hockey player, they'd say of the Honduran, "He finishes his checks." (Not to be confused with the rest of the lot, who just endorse theirs...)

Palacios could be our new age Edgar Davids. Kinda. The Carrick void remains. And will. The left back spot is a gaping hole. I'd try Zokora there. He's a ferocious defender-- a center back in his French league days-- and he's never disappointed when called on to shut down a particular player. Lord knows he can make runs. Let Zokora have a go at left back. Shuffle the three centerbacks. If Bale plays, it's as a winger, though I and everyone else, manager included, prefer O'Hara. Jenas/Huddlestone and Palacios in the middle of the park. Lennon on the wing. Defoe and Mrs. Redknapp up top.

Solved!


***Though you might also say themes of disenchantment and futility run deep in both.

Read more on "Dispatches from the Relegation Zone: Mrs. Redknapp Edition"...

Just remember: when a celebrity says something, it's true

And who can argue with Jason Bourne? He created some wonderful artwork for charity (current bid on ebay: roughly $110), and there's really not much to argue with. And anyway, if you did, he'd break your neck with his pinkie.

After the jump, a vid of him talking sports (sadly, not soccer).

Read more on "Just remember: when a celebrity says something, it's true"...

The Last Laugh?

Comic relief at White Hart Lane has been easy to find this season as their stumbling stopper Huerelho Gomes has entertained with his ridiculous goal keeping. But has 'Arry 'ad enough?


It appears as if the Bungling Brazilian has made his final blunder. Spurs have recalled keeper Ben Alnwick from his loan spell at Carlisle and he could be in line for a start this weekend. The move to bring Alnwick back in the wake of Gomes latest blunder at Fulham on Saturday could spell the end of silly season between the sticks at Tottenham. With the transfer window set to re-open on January 1st, a new keeper could be the priority for Spurs as they look to stay free of the relegation zone.

Gomes has been an absolute liability for Tottenham this season and has kept just 2 clean sheets in 18 games for the north Laaaaandon club. Botching up between the up-rights is nothing new to Gomes who had a reputation as a flapper long before Spurs ponied up $18 million for him. See below...



Gomes flaps with PSV before his big money move to Spurs.

Then there is this one...



and then there is THIS from Saturday at Craven Cottage.

Maybe 'Arry will look to his old pal, Portsmouth keeper David James. James has recently pledged his loyalty to Pompey but 'loyalty' is an out-dated concept with professional footballers and James' arrival at Spurs would not be a shocker. James himself has held a past reputation as a 'flapper'. His own back-catalogue of blunders led to the nickname 'Calamity James' and the moniker of 'The Vampire', for being scared of crosses. James has appeared to be solid in recent times however, maturing into a safe pair of hands for Portsmouth and England.

-Bigus

Read more on "The Last Laugh?"...

Miracle at the Emirates: Spurs Strike Back!

Now this is the Tottenham I remember! It's amazing how a team can, in the course of four days, go from being physically incapable of scoring a legitimate goal to popping off four on the road. In a derby. Against a stalwart Arsenal defense (ho ho!) Granted, they're still shipping them left and right, but that's OK, this is Spurs after all. How about the fight in 'Arry's Boys?!?

If ever a game was over with a half-hour to play, this was it. Adebayor punched home Nasri's chip and it was like Arsene yelled out "Feu!" The place cleared out fast, Spurs and Scum alike.

For more on why the early birds might have done better to stick around a while, follow me (to the video!)...



Spurs keep their derby unbeaten streak alive. Ten months and 18 days since last loss, at Chelsea, on Jan. 12, 2008. Last home derby loss: Sept. 15, 2007


Watch Arsenal v Tottenham in News Online | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

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Dispatches from the Relegation Zone: Redknapp Revolt Edition!

Yeah, we're still down in the gutter, but Hot Damn, I think I can see me some stars! Harry Hotspur has been on board just four days and already a calm has come about the club. Is this normalcy? The manager actually speaking to the press for a couple minutes after the match. Glory! David Bentley on the right? Audere est Facere! Shirt numbers for the Ramos Five! The Redknapp Revolt!

I haven't been this excited since... oh dear.


False Dawn? It was not eight months ago that Spurs fans, journos, and impartial observers off all stripes were fairly convinced that Ramos had us headed for big things. The Mourinho/Wenger comparisons, fanciful even at the time, were propped up by that magical Carling Cup run.

I maintain that Ramos was the best man to lead the team against Chelsea at Wembley, and for that alone all Spurs fans should wish the wispy Spaniard safe travels home. (Comolli: Drive your Peugeot into a ditch.)

But the world seemed to conspire against him after that brilliant February night. League and UEFA Cup dreams died grisly deaths (though, if Jenas knocks home his PK in Eindhoven... ugh) and by the time Keane and Berbatov had defected the team was a shambles. That's not to say some of us weren't complicit in this mass pre-season delusion, but sitting here, now, the absurdity is obvious.

So with Redknapp now in charge, Spurs have a proven communicator. A fella known for building his players up-- a welcome change from a guy who quite literally stripped some of them down. As for results? Lesson learned. Let's just say it can't get much worse.

Arsenal tomorrow. Take something there and we might be onto something...

Read more on "Dispatches from the Relegation Zone: Redknapp Revolt Edition!"...

Quitting comes easy for Harry.

                                                    Harry nose when to quit!

It's confirmed. Tottenham's new manager will be the 'king of quitters' Harry Redknapp. A hefty fee was agreed between Spurs top man Daniel Levy and Pompey's Peter Storrie on Friday (they kept that quiet) and tonight old Harry spills the beans. Join me after the jump for a look at the 'history' of Harry...don't leave early will you?


Champion quitter Harry Redknapp has announced that he will be Spurs new gaffer. The man to save the day and resuscitate Tottenham's cadaverous season. He told SKY Sports tonight that Porstmouth will receive 5 million quid in compensation for his extremely intriguing move to the scared shitless part of North Laaaandon.

"I love Portsmouth and I loved my time there, we had some fantastic success and I'd never been happier, but it's a great deal for Portsmouth, £5m for me, and it's a chance for me to get on and see what I can do. Once Tottenham came in and once the offer was made it was difficult for the club to turn down a £5m offer for a manager. The club were pleased to take it and hopefully people will remember what I've done there." -Harry Redknapp.


So It's a "GREAT "deal for Pompey, that's the slant. They wanted to sell me! Honest!

True or not, Harry is the new Spurs manager and it's a weird move indeed. Porstmouth are currently 7th in the table and the reigning F.A Cup holders. Spurs have 2 points, are 5 from safety and are rooted bottom of the Premier League. They are also bottom of their UEFA Cup table after Udinese rolled them over 2-0 in Italy on Thursday. Harry must like a challenge because this is the mother of all challenges. But this isn't the first time Harry has quit a team, he is starting to make a habit out of it.

Harry's first act of quittage was Bournmouth in 1992. He'd had enough of the limited resources and walked. Next Rednapp joined West ham as Billy Bond's assistant and took over the top spot in 1994 after Bond's resigned. After a falling out with Hammers supremo Terry Brown over some comments he made to a fanzine regarding Brown, Redknapp left West Ham in 2001. Pompey were next. After pulling a Houdini and keeping Pompey in the Premiership Harry quit in 2004 after falling out with (then) owner Milan Manderic. He joined rivals Southampton in a move that turned him into a hate figure for Porstmouth fans but in 2005 he pulled the old switcheroo for Portsmouth once again. Keeping the hate flowing on the south coast (It just moved east to west a bit). Moving to a rival once was unheard of, but twice? Harry sure is a quitter, but quitting is better than getting the old tin-tack isn't it Harry? And that brings us to today.

Maybe Harry gets itchy feet? Maybe he likes money. I'll go with the latter, but it has to be said early, if anyone can save Tottenham from a drop into the Championship, it's Harry Redknapp. If Harry fails to save Spurs then he has proven that he can bring a team back up from the challenge that lies below (Porstmouth 2002-03). Maybe that's the key to Levy's move? Prepare for the inevitable while having a good go at surviving. Either way it's going to be a tough challenge. However, Harry Redknapp is a tough cookie. Spurs players certainly won't get an easy ride or the niceties of Senor Ramos and his European ways, oh no! And this is a wonderful opportunity to bust out one of my favorite you tube videos EVER.



So take that as a warning all you under achievers of Tottenham. Harry is in the house and he means business. Shape up or you'll be in the "facking reserves".


-Bigus

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