Spurs Have Full Summer to Stoke Their Delusional Ways With Alcohol

Who knew that Ledley King would be the catalyst for change at White Hart Lane?

The Spurs center back has caused manager Harry Redknapp to issue a drinking ban for the club:

Footballers should not drink. You shouldn't put diesel in a Ferrari. I know it's hard but they are earning big money, they are role models to kids...

Footballers should dedicate their lives to playing. Managers, however, we can get hammered before we're even out of bed if we want.

Okay, so we embellished that last bit, but 'Arry is serious. How so?

"I'll implement a strong rule next season that drinking is a no-no here," said the Spurs manger.

Wow, that's really laying down the law.

Anyway, this all stems from 'role model' King's recent run in with booze and Johnny Law. King was arrested in the early am hours at a Soho nightclub over the weekend after he used a racial epithet—"a fat Paki fuck"—that sparked a physical altercation with a bouncer.

That was really just the beginning of the fun though. According to cellmates King "cried and sobbed" and "his trousers were down almost to his knees and it was obvious he wet himself." Whoa, whoa. It's bad enough that Spurs pretend to be competitive with their London rivals, but to straight up steal antics from Nick Bendtner, that's crossing a line.

Additionally, witnesses said King both ranted and pleaded with the cops, telling them he earned £83K a week and saying, "Boss man, boss man, I don’t deserve to be here. I’m rich."

Good to see that justice works the same way in Britain as it does in the States.

Anyway, so yeah, no drinky drinky for Spurs next season. At least that's what 'Arry says now. Let's see how it holds up come next season and Spurs begin the season in the relegation zone again. 'Arry might institute mandatory drinking sessions to cope.

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Quick Throw: 'Arry and Becks, sitting in a tree

Becks likes Milan. Soon, Becks must head back to LA. Becks has a timeshare deal. After the MLS season, what will poor Becks do to keep Becks in match-fitness ahead of WC 2010? Maybe Becks head to England. 'Arry likes Becks. 'Arry likes Becks a lot. 'Arry gushes about Becks.

Maybe Becks go on loan to Spurs?

[Guardian Sport]

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Quick Throw: My Expensive New Toy Is Broken.

Oh what a last few days of the transfer window we are all in for. The excitement may kill me. Tottenham's new/old plaything Jermain Defoe has crocked himself in training. Spurs reckon he will be back in 3 weeks, contrary to early reports. I smell a conspiracy. A long term injury to Defoe will jack the price up on every striker within 1000 miles of White Hart Lane as Spurs search for a replacement to help save them from the fizzy league. They have already been sniffing around Robbie Keane in an attempt to lure the unhappy old Spur back to the good old days. Defore's injury is surely karma for all of 'Arry's January tap action. First there was Defoe, then Downing, then Palacios, then Fred and now Keane. Arry's tapped more people than Duke's Lacrosse team has tapped kegs. Meanwhile, Rafa's rage is mounting as he sticks a few numbers onto the end of Keane's want-a-way slip. You know he's going back to Spurs for more than they sold him for in the summer right. It'll all go down at 11.59 next Monday evening. Karma's a bitch eh Arry? An expensive one.



.

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'Arry Redknapp, explained

At UF, some of us are getting a little sick of 'Arry. While his soundbites are a constant source of entertainment, his conduct when it comes to unsettling the dregs of the EPL for his fiendish White Hart Lane rebuilding job is becoming rather tedious. I swear he's penned love letters for just about every ex-Spurs player and sold them all to the Daily Mail.

Barely a day goes by without yet another public remark about a player he's in love with!

Thankfully, when he's not professing fondness for someone at another club, he's busy confusing the press with his circular speak, and a smart man named Jim Duggan at Topspurs decided to put 'Arry and his words into a handy wallchart.

We salute his work, and his keen sense of satire!

Chart after the jump.

Click to see it full-size

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Dispatches from the Relegation Zone: Mrs. Redknapp Edition

It may be time for a new strike partner for Jermain Defoe

Prose simply cannot do this justice. With apologies to Frank O'Hara:

Am I to become profligate as if I were Darren Bent? Or impracticable
as if I were Welsh?

Each time a Spurs player is knocked off the ball it makes me feel more contemptuous
(and how the same names keep recurring on that interminable
list!), but one of these days there’ll be no Premier League football left with
which to venture forth...

I am the least difficult of men. All I want is a striker who can stick home a header from A HALF-YARD OUT!!

Alas, Harry Redknapp is not one to confront emergency with a meditation. We'd say Harry is a bit more direct than that. He says things like, "My missus could have scored that one!"... and "I was out of my seat to celebrate and David James was waiting to pick the ball out of the net." He says, "I'd send Gareth Bale back to Southampton with a laverbread in return and call it a huge boost considering!" Actually, he didn't say that last part. We'd have liked it if he did.

What else would we like?
Big ups to Bigus on the photoshop


As Spurs supporters (not fans, the only thing I'm fanatical about this moment is never seeing Gareth Bale at left back ever again... let this Dark Night pass!) yes, yes, the supporters-- what we'd like is some competence.

The team is obviously flawed. There's more balance at Bellevue. More depth in my bathtub. But that doesn't excuse utter ineptitude. And that's why Bent's disaster cuts so deep. It's not that a more talented striker would have been more likely to score. It's that an even significantly lesser player would have been no less disappointed with the miss.

This is the story of the Tottenham team. It is a story of individuals failing to do their jobs. In New York, men are landing passenger jets on water. At White Hart Lane, they couldn't head a football into the Thames.

Incompetence.

At Wigan, one week before. This is the team our beloved Harry picked to take on the surging Latics:

Gomes

Corluka --- Dawson --- Woodgate --- Bale

King

Zokora --- O'Hara

Modric

Pavlyuchenko --- Defoe

Now, here is a verse from the Radiohead song, "Morning Bell."

The lights are on but nobody's home
Everybody wants to be a
The lights are on but nobody's home
Everybody wants to be a singer
Walking walking walking...

Please compare these two bits of poetry-- a teamsheet is a bit like poetry, no? Like ee Cummings maybe. Now tell me, of the above, which is more reasonable? I'd have to say honestly, truly, the Radiohead lyrics make more sense.***

Surely there is a fix. UF's resident Spurs supporter Phil and I bang on about it whenever the subject appears. The menu reads as such: defensive midfield player, new striker, cover in defense, and a backup keeper the manager will use if his starting keeper is crippled on the field of the play. If the Palacios deals goes down, and it's looking good, the midfield would be vastly improved. If he were a hockey player, they'd say of the Honduran, "He finishes his checks." (Not to be confused with the rest of the lot, who just endorse theirs...)

Palacios could be our new age Edgar Davids. Kinda. The Carrick void remains. And will. The left back spot is a gaping hole. I'd try Zokora there. He's a ferocious defender-- a center back in his French league days-- and he's never disappointed when called on to shut down a particular player. Lord knows he can make runs. Let Zokora have a go at left back. Shuffle the three centerbacks. If Bale plays, it's as a winger, though I and everyone else, manager included, prefer O'Hara. Jenas/Huddlestone and Palacios in the middle of the park. Lennon on the wing. Defoe and Mrs. Redknapp up top.

Solved!


***Though you might also say themes of disenchantment and futility run deep in both.

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Football Managers Gone Wild III

Alright, so I've figured it out. Harry Redknapp is either the Bill Parcells of English football or he's just gone batshit from his time at Spurs. He wouldn't be the first. Arry's outburst after Sunday's display-- moderate in nature, given the breakout performance put on by Joe Kinnear upon his introduction at Newcastle or Rafa's queer little tantrum the other day-- was notable not so much for a particular line or profanity, but rather the breadth of his scorn. My favorite, the mocking: "They had two points from eight games when I came here. How do you get two points from eight games?" It's a good question. Let's go back in time, watch Harry mix magic and malice... and then yesterday.

Presenting... Redknapp's Road to Red-faced Rage! Buckle up.

Note: Scroll down to the bottom for Sunday's highlight reel. Still I'd say it's more fun to watch it ebb and flow and ebb.

In their greatest success and most efficient action, on the pitch or off, this season, Spurs axed the terrible triumvirate of Ramos-Poyet-Comolli on Saturday evening, October 25, immediately introducing Harry Redknapp as the replacement. That the negotiation with Portsmouth remained clandestine is a miracle. You might even say Daniel Levy learned from the Jol debacle. Maybe.

Anyway, Harry arrived and bam! Spurs beat Bolton, exceeding in one afternoon their season's point total through eight games (two, you'll remember.)

Before and after the match, it was a lovefest. Building up the players, the club, Redknapp was going to get the most from his NME.

"I am a big follower of the history of the game and Tottenham have been a great club over the years. I followed Tottenham, I trained there as an 11-year-old, 12-year-old so I know the history of the club. It is a big, big, club."

After the 2-0 win:

"I've taken over clubs before where I looked at it and thought 'how do we get out of this one?' There is real quality in this group of players here. You look through and there are international players. We have to start working as hard as we did today for each other, picking up points, playing as we did - they passed the ball with real quality which I was really impressed with."

So yea, apparently we're really good after all. Let's go score four at Arsenal... two in the last couple minutes!! Yea, some trouble with corners, c'mon... Road derby draw! Arry!

"It really was an amazing game of football to be involved in. We gave away some bad goals, from set-pieces too, even though we worked hard on that on Tuesday at training. But the boys have been fantastic, there's a real spirit there, a determination. They are jumping for joy in the dressing room."

A week after beating City 2-1 in MancTown (with two Darren Bent goals no less), Spurs hand Liverpool their only loss of the season. It's actually the first of two wins over 'Pudlians in the week, the latter a Carling Cup KO. Here's Harry after the league win.

"It was a good win and a good performance - even if we could have done better on corners! That's 18 goals we've scored in my five matches in charge - we're bringing in Les Ferdinand as a striking coach and I've told him if we stop scoring it's his fault!"

So are we jumping for joy in the locker room? We just beat Liverpool twice in a week, who cares about crosses? This isn't fun Harry from October.

Right around this time, Gomes went through his "crisis of confidence." There wasn't a warm sweater in Jimmy Carter's basement that could fix this. The question after an especially disturbing performance at Craven Cottage was when... not if... So Harry, is it Cesar time? This keeper sucks, give it 'em!

"It's difficult, he's my goalkeeper. He's got to do the job, in all honesty. I've got another keeper, a Spanish lad of 37, and then I've got kids. I've got to stay with him."

Redknapp sticks with Gomes. And so, after the Fulham game (Nov. 15) Gomes plays the next six, conceding two goals, and earning four clean sheets. A Nil-nil draw with Man U. on Dec. 13 his crowning achievement. One impossible save after another. Harry, the floor is yours. Tell us of this Brazilian genius!

"If he can keep these performances up we haven't got a problem. But I'd like to bring in another keeper as cover."

Huh?!? Oh, I see. Let's not be overconfident. And to prove we're not so good, how bout a miserable loss at Newcastle(1-2) and a Boxing Day abortion home to Fulham (0-0).

"It was ok but we lack punch up front. I couldn't see us scoring. We had a lot of the ball but didn't create enough chances. We looked solid at the back they had one or two chances but other than that we kept them quiet. We're short in certain areas to make the difference. I thought Bobby Zamora was outstanding, in the first half he held the ball up very well. I wish he was still at Tottenham."

Bobby Zamora... right. Anyway, so much for having all the talent we need right here in the room. Looks like Levy's wallet might not be so safe after all. A 0-2 loss at the Baggies makes the point.

"We need a certain type here. We've got an awful lot of good little players but we need more strength and a bit more power in the team. It is a badly-balanced put-together squad, in all honesty, from day one."

And with these words, so opens the transfer window. Brilliant stuff. Jermain Defoe is back in town about 12 minutes after these comments come across the papers.

But even with the little fella back in Spurs strip, the league goals and results remain elusive. Sunday's 0-1 at the JJB might have actually been the most lopsided disgrace of the season. He can Take No More... Cue 'Arry... and our latest edition of Football Managers Gone Wild!

"If you look at the results of Tottenham over the last year you have to be concerned. Look back to the end of last season after the Carling Cup - where Spurs beat Chelsea in the final - and see how many points they have got. They had two points from eight games when I came here. How do you get two points from eight games?? They (the players) put the club in it, it is up to them to get us out of it. There is plenty of flair, but we are in a relegation scrap and we need some men and some characters to get us out of it, that is what you are looking for when you are in the position we are in. "We've got some but not enough. You'd put your life on Jonathan Woodgate, Michael Dawson, Didier Zokora, Jamie O'Hara."

'Arry-- how 'bout Your Boy Defoe?

"We didn't see a great deal of him. He needs someone up there with him who is going to get hold of the ball."

So you're saying Roman Pavlyuchenko, subbed after 53 mins didn't do the hold up work? That's a rhetorical question, thanks.

Anything else?

"At the moment we have some players who cost this football club a lot of money and they need to be better for the team. They are supposed to be quality players - and they have got to show that on the football pitch. If you look at our results - two points from eight games - it cannot always be the manager's fault, can it?"

I mean, it can if it's Spurs.

"There are still an awful lot [of players] who can do a lot better than they are doing. We need some improved performances, especially away from home. We have thrown three games away - in the last minutes of each game - that cannot be right."

No, that most certainly cannot.

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Dispatches from the Relegation Zone: Redknapp Revolt Edition!

Yeah, we're still down in the gutter, but Hot Damn, I think I can see me some stars! Harry Hotspur has been on board just four days and already a calm has come about the club. Is this normalcy? The manager actually speaking to the press for a couple minutes after the match. Glory! David Bentley on the right? Audere est Facere! Shirt numbers for the Ramos Five! The Redknapp Revolt!

I haven't been this excited since... oh dear.


False Dawn? It was not eight months ago that Spurs fans, journos, and impartial observers off all stripes were fairly convinced that Ramos had us headed for big things. The Mourinho/Wenger comparisons, fanciful even at the time, were propped up by that magical Carling Cup run.

I maintain that Ramos was the best man to lead the team against Chelsea at Wembley, and for that alone all Spurs fans should wish the wispy Spaniard safe travels home. (Comolli: Drive your Peugeot into a ditch.)

But the world seemed to conspire against him after that brilliant February night. League and UEFA Cup dreams died grisly deaths (though, if Jenas knocks home his PK in Eindhoven... ugh) and by the time Keane and Berbatov had defected the team was a shambles. That's not to say some of us weren't complicit in this mass pre-season delusion, but sitting here, now, the absurdity is obvious.

So with Redknapp now in charge, Spurs have a proven communicator. A fella known for building his players up-- a welcome change from a guy who quite literally stripped some of them down. As for results? Lesson learned. Let's just say it can't get much worse.

Arsenal tomorrow. Take something there and we might be onto something...

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Quitting comes easy for Harry.

                                                    Harry nose when to quit!

It's confirmed. Tottenham's new manager will be the 'king of quitters' Harry Redknapp. A hefty fee was agreed between Spurs top man Daniel Levy and Pompey's Peter Storrie on Friday (they kept that quiet) and tonight old Harry spills the beans. Join me after the jump for a look at the 'history' of Harry...don't leave early will you?


Champion quitter Harry Redknapp has announced that he will be Spurs new gaffer. The man to save the day and resuscitate Tottenham's cadaverous season. He told SKY Sports tonight that Porstmouth will receive 5 million quid in compensation for his extremely intriguing move to the scared shitless part of North Laaaandon.

"I love Portsmouth and I loved my time there, we had some fantastic success and I'd never been happier, but it's a great deal for Portsmouth, £5m for me, and it's a chance for me to get on and see what I can do. Once Tottenham came in and once the offer was made it was difficult for the club to turn down a £5m offer for a manager. The club were pleased to take it and hopefully people will remember what I've done there." -Harry Redknapp.


So It's a "GREAT "deal for Pompey, that's the slant. They wanted to sell me! Honest!

True or not, Harry is the new Spurs manager and it's a weird move indeed. Porstmouth are currently 7th in the table and the reigning F.A Cup holders. Spurs have 2 points, are 5 from safety and are rooted bottom of the Premier League. They are also bottom of their UEFA Cup table after Udinese rolled them over 2-0 in Italy on Thursday. Harry must like a challenge because this is the mother of all challenges. But this isn't the first time Harry has quit a team, he is starting to make a habit out of it.

Harry's first act of quittage was Bournmouth in 1992. He'd had enough of the limited resources and walked. Next Rednapp joined West ham as Billy Bond's assistant and took over the top spot in 1994 after Bond's resigned. After a falling out with Hammers supremo Terry Brown over some comments he made to a fanzine regarding Brown, Redknapp left West Ham in 2001. Pompey were next. After pulling a Houdini and keeping Pompey in the Premiership Harry quit in 2004 after falling out with (then) owner Milan Manderic. He joined rivals Southampton in a move that turned him into a hate figure for Porstmouth fans but in 2005 he pulled the old switcheroo for Portsmouth once again. Keeping the hate flowing on the south coast (It just moved east to west a bit). Moving to a rival once was unheard of, but twice? Harry sure is a quitter, but quitting is better than getting the old tin-tack isn't it Harry? And that brings us to today.

Maybe Harry gets itchy feet? Maybe he likes money. I'll go with the latter, but it has to be said early, if anyone can save Tottenham from a drop into the Championship, it's Harry Redknapp. If Harry fails to save Spurs then he has proven that he can bring a team back up from the challenge that lies below (Porstmouth 2002-03). Maybe that's the key to Levy's move? Prepare for the inevitable while having a good go at surviving. Either way it's going to be a tough challenge. However, Harry Redknapp is a tough cookie. Spurs players certainly won't get an easy ride or the niceties of Senor Ramos and his European ways, oh no! And this is a wonderful opportunity to bust out one of my favorite you tube videos EVER.



So take that as a warning all you under achievers of Tottenham. Harry is in the house and he means business. Shape up or you'll be in the "facking reserves".


-Bigus

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Adios, Ramos... Hello, 'Arry

After an unwhelming start to the season in which they've claimed a whopping two points (from eight matches), Tottenham have (finally) kicked the chair out from under Juande Ramos. But, the former Sevilla manager isn't the only one looking for work, since Spurs have also fired their Sporting Director (Damien Comolli) and Ramos' two first-team coaches, Guy Poyet and Marcos Alvarez.

So, you ask, who will lead the team in tomorrow's struggle against Stupid Fucking Bolton? According to a press release from the club, the next poor bastards to try and (temporarily) guide Spurs out of their butt-naked last place position are development coach Clive Allen and youth coach Alex Inglethorpe.

And, in 'other shoe dropping' news, the call of London is enough to lure Portsmouth's Harry Redknapp into Spurs' semi-annual empty manager's position. (Word is it cost Tottenham 5M) While old 'Arry did an impressive number a couple seasons ago guiding Pompey to the Great Escape, surely the former West Ham man is biting off more than he can chew with this shit sandwich?

Then again, Spurs motto is 'To Dare is To Do'. And, considering they've done fuck-all so far this season, maybe it'll take a 'daring' move like leaving the south coast for fashionable London to shake things up and actually 'do' something (like win a match). You've got to think somebody will sort them out eventually.

Much more to follow once UF sobers up...

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