UF Introduces: Market Madness!

Ronaldo knows what it's like to fall fast

Football is a crazy game these days. The emotional capital on the line every week is staggering. The modern consumer needs a steady hand to guide the way. Unfortunately, that individual has come to the wrong place. This is an American soccer blog, and like Americans do, we suffer our pain in silence, then go out and gamble with other people's money. (Sub-prime Spurs! Get me every time!)

So without further rabble, we present today the first edition of UF's Market Guide. What to Sell! What to Buy! And Everything in between...

BUY! BUY ! BUY!


...until we freak out on national television and tell you to sell the kids for food.

Buy Portsmouth:
Make fun of Fratton Park all you like, the AC Milan game was magic. That coupled with white-knuckle ride win over Blackburn is just what they needed. Tony Adams has his first win; now he can build. Harry Who? (Caveat Emptor: they may have to sell the first team's shin pads for rent money come January.)

Buy TSG 1899 Hoffenheim:
Another impressive win this weekend. Their American educated, trained, nourished striker Veded Ibisevic, who happens to play his international footie for Bosnia (d'oh!) is a scoring machine. With pedigree that likens them to a sort of German Reading, they could go into the winter break atop the league (Caveat: Like Bayern Munich so many years ago, English Reading will host Norwich City this season.)

Buy Antonio Cassano:
The guy's good on the pitch and (as the intrepid Lingering Bursitis explains) hilarious off it. Like we needed another reason to want to go to Spain...

Buy Emile Heskey:
This is actually a personal message to Redknapp and Levy. Buy him from Wigan in January. Spurs need to someone to link the midfield to their one-touch strikers and Modric isn't reliable enough.

Buy Chelsea fans:
Like Leprechauns, they exist, but are increasingly difficult to find. The Blues supporter is rare and fantastic entertainment. Alternately despondent, reflective, nostalgic (make it Special again!), and whiny (offside!)... and they're in first place still, 'Pool pending.

Buy Maradona:
There is but one inalienable truth in this whole debate. The Argentinian players looooove him. No matter how stupid or perverse he acts (to be fair, he was subdued, naturally it appeared, during the Scotland match) they will continue to love him. And when you've got that quality of athlete, a bit of motivation could be more valuable than all the tactics in the world.

Sell! For Chrissakes, Sell it all! Light it on fire, just be done with it!!



...until next week, when everything bounces back but your checking account. Sawwrry.

Sell Real Madrid:
Bernd Schuster is a loss away from the salida, and losing to Getafe on Saturday surely doesn't help. Also, it looks like Rafa, their top target, is signing a new deal at Anfield, meaning they're fucked royally in their search for someone new. They might end up with Juande Ramos (silence)(crickets)(a distant scream)...

Sell Roy Keane:
sayeth LB, "Really, you're almost done. Bolton embarrassed you at home. Bolton! Unless you unleash the feral rage of your playing days instead of this new zen calm you display on the sidelines, you're looking for a job in January."

Seriously, LB has a great point. I understand that the guy is mellowing with age, but this is ridiculous. It will end badly. Either as described above, or with a training pitch assault/Joe Kinnear-inspired presser. The prawns are cooked, Roy, just need to toast the bread now...

Sell Paul Ince:
LB: "You should have stayed at MK Dons." Paul Ince: "I should have stayed at MK Dons."

Sell "6+5":
Is it entirely Evil? No. Does it have a chance of happening? No. Platini needs to read up on globalization, etc. Protectionist policies, especially when there are high-end elements of money and nationalism involved, just don't kick it in the modern world. If the American auto industry can die, French league football can suck a bit more. (no offense, NYK)

Sell American soccer's ability to pick up on home grown talent:
And to Bosnia, no less. Both Vebad Ibisevic (from Hoffenheim, see above) and Neven Subotic could have been USMNT fixtures for the next decade if the infrastructure in this country wasn't so convoluted. It's not like Ibisevic played college ball here. And I guess Subotic would've had to sit behind Onyewu anyway... Ugh...

Wait! Hold Still! Do Nothing! Freeze Up! We're confounded...


Arsenal:
Beating Man U and Chelsea still doesn't make them solid gold yet. They still had an awful month for the most part. They are lacking in depth, the Gallas situation, injuries, etc... etc...

Capello's England:
"Well Let's Not Start Sucking Each Other's Dicks Quite Yet." The Wolf had this one scouted out... I'm just saying. The Sun (not the paper) remains at the center of the universe and David Beckham didn't fall of the edge of the world, he just agreed to play for the Alexi Lalas-led L.A. Galaxy. England will probably fuck this up. So hold tight to your positions.

This Concept!
It's looking pretty good right now, but we've missed out on so much. Go to the comments section and add your own "tips" or do it to us on email and maybe they'll make the site for next week. Until then... Be Champions!

Read more on "UF Introduces: Market Madness!"...

Cassano: soccer player, writer, comedian

At UF, we have a bit of a thing for Antonio Cassano. He embodies all the qualities we covet in a soccer star: talent, passion, hard work, and batshit insanity. Well, thankfully for us, he's gone and scribed himself a tell-all book (perhaps too tell-all for some) about the life and times of the man himself.

Let's just say it raises the bar for soccer autobiographies quite a bit, nay, for all athlete autobiographies. Stories of masturbation, sex and pastries, fast cars, philosophies on winning, and refreshing honesty fill its pages. We reckon poor Wayne Rooney should sit down and rethink his strategy should he dare do another book.



For starters, Cassano loves the ladies, claiming that he's slept with "600 to 700 women", which is impressive for someone who's only 26. Not only that, but he'd pay bellboys to bring women to his hotel room on the night before home games when he was on the books at Real Madrid. After some lovin', he'd eat a few croissants. "Sex plus food: a perfect night," a mantra we can all get behind.

He talks about childhood crushes:

Cassano shares the fact that, when he was 12, he had a crush on his teacher. Sweet, right? Except he also tells us that he would go to the bathroom thinking about her and “well, you can imagine what came next”.

Not something you could ever imagine Landon Donovan sharing in some turgid prose, and honestly, would you be interested anyway? There's something about Cassano's persona that makes this sort of confession almost expected and hoped for.

His thoughts on winning and success go a long way to explaining why he is where he is now, performing well at a comfortable mid-table team:

"Winning is nice, but it doesn’t make you happy.

The problem is that we live in a culture obsessed with success. We fool ourselves into thinking we have to do our best and make sacrifices to succeed. But why? Trophies come and go. Once you’ve retired, it will all be gone, they’ll just be numbers in an almanac. And, except for [Diego] Maradona and Pelé and maybe a couple others, nobody will remember you or what you’ve won.

What is truly important is being happy now. I know I haven’t given 100 per cent physically or mentally to this game. At best, I gave 50 per cent. Maybe a tiny bit more in the good years. But so what? Thanks to my talent, I live like a king, I play football and I have a great time. If I had wanted to give 100 per cent, I would have stayed at Real Madrid, sacrificed lots of things, done my very best and I probably would have succeeded. Instead, I’m here at Sampdoria and I love it."

Can't really argue with that, although again, can you really imagine any of the squeaky clean soccer brands saying something like this? It'd be hard to shill for Adidas if you don't really care about the final result, I'd imagine.

The final quote sums up Cassano best: what will he do when he stops playing football?

"I plan to get fat, I mean really, really fat. Even now, when I don’t play for a month, I’ll put on a dozen pounds. I plan on eating. A lot. I plan on eating everything."

Amen, Antonio. We wish you the best with that.

We're waiting eagerly for an English translation, and after reading this, I bet you are too.

While on the subject of soccer tell-alls, whose book (if written with honesty; we all know that's a dream, right?) would you like to read most?

[Also, there's a Spanish-language story here about the Cassano book. If anyone can help with translation, give us more of the good stuff in the comments. Lord knows what the hoity-toity Times neglected to mention.]

Read more on "Cassano: soccer player, writer, comedian"...

Cassano haters abound

In the wake of Antonio Cassano's little tantrum over the weekend, the Italian FA has banned him for five matches. The consensus is that his actions over the weekend have removed him from consideration for the Azzuri this summer. Donadoni is terrified to mess up the chemistry of the defending World Cup champions, even if it means listening to shifty Argentine carpetbaggers.

A (barely deserving) FIFA player of the year winner talking shit about Cassano, after the jump.

Real Madrid centerback Fabio Cannavaro told the Gazzeta Dello Sport that:

"The real champions are people like Maradona and Maldini, who played fifty games a season at the highest level,” Cannavaro told the Gazzetta dello Sport.

"I have always defended Antonio, but this time he is indefensible. He was wrong. He has impressive quality, out of the ordinary, but just as he is so talented he is so mad as well.

Yeah, Maradona getting sent home from USA 94 because of a little beak seed was very professional. Cannavaro later backtracked and said that no one at the Bernebeu thinks badly of poor Antonio, and he is a stand of up locker room guy. Of course, someone employed by Real Madrid would say that, as they still own his rights and were hoping to flog him off to some Latinophile English team this summer. That $25 million plus transfer fee is shrinking by the day.

We are not budging on our house position. Would Italy really be happier with some chronic underperformer like Gilardino, or some fossil like Del Piero, instead of the electric Cassano? Yes, Luca Toni is great, but what happens if he gets hurt? Let's not forget that Antonio and Francesco Totti enjoyed a fairly good partnership at Roma (until the former left for Spain and firebombed every bridge he could).

Maybe Cassano could be placed under sedation at a mental hospital in Zug until he is needed this summer.

In other Serie A news, Fiorentina dickstomped Everton in Florence yesterday. David Moyes' crew will now need quite the performance at Goodison to advance into the next round of the UEFA Cup.

Read more on "Cassano haters abound"...

Cassano takes crazy pills

Well, it was bound to happen.

After I sang the praises of Sampdoria striker Antonio Cassano last week, he managed get himself red carded and threw one hell of a temper tantrum on Sunday. Apparently he remains as combustible as advertised. Hey, but he did score the equalizer against Torino.

You want genius, sometimes you have to live with insanity.

YouTube goodness after the jump.

Ummm, yeah. So he's still a little crazy. But intensity is good, right Mr. Donadoni? Actually if Cassano keeps this us there is probably not much hope for a call up to the Azzuri squad this summer. Even his prospective teammates are throwing him under the bus. Juve midfielder Mauro Camoranesi told reporters that:

“Cassano has exceptional quality,” the Argentine-born winger admitted. "But I wouldn’t have wanted him in the World Cup squad in Germany – that’s all I’m going to say.”

Sour grapes people, sour grapes. Since we love a little crazy here at UF HQ, we are now officially endorsing Cassano for Euro 2008, and our new weekly "CassanoWatch" feature will monitor his progress.

Va fanculo indeed, Mr. Referee.

Read more on "Cassano takes crazy pills"...

Antonio Cassano: not washed up yet

For most over-hyped starlets, going from Roma to Real Madrid to Sampdoria might be seen as a bit of a step backwards career wise. But for Antonio Cassano, noted headcase, junk food aficionado, Val Kilmer lookalike, and STD victim, the move to Genoa has thrust him back into the Italian national team picture. Why Cassano should be starting for the Azzurri this summer, after the jump.

Cassano has always been one of those underachieving players, mostly due to the ridiculous 28 million euro transfer fee that Roma paid Bari to get him in 2001, when he was still a teenager. But he did enjoy some good times in Rome before falling out with Fabio Capello and the revolving door of managers that followed (do you realize Roma had four managers during the 04-05 season?).

Real Madrid bought him in January 2006 after he was declared persona non grata in Rome, and some hoped that a reunion with Capello the following year would rejuvenate his career. Instead, he was put on the David Beckham "go fuck off" plan by the now England manager, and was a non-factor in the Merengues' La Liga title last year. Cassano declined to join Sven's revolution at Citeh, and instead moved to Sampdoria on loan at the start of this season.

Cassano was initially terrible, but he has been on fire since the new year. He was the Serie A player of the month in January. Last weekend, he was the best player on the pitch and scored a sweet goal against Inter. Sampdoria now sit just one point out of the final UEFA Cup spot on offer in Italy.

His stellar form has has brought him to the attention of national team manager Roberto Donadoni, who has almost promised him a place in this summer's team for Euro 2008 if he can keep it going. Of course, for Cassano the problem has almost been consistency, but he is probably the third best forward with an Italian passport right now.

You figure Luca Toni is automatic, and then a deeper creative forward a la Francesco Totti or Cassano. Either way, the Azzurri are stacked, and I'm picking them right now as the team to beat this summer in SwitzerAustria '08.

Just ignore the rampant choking going on at Inter in the Champions League. Its not an indictment of Italian football or the Serie A, just proof that Mancini sucks and Jose Mourinho is going to be running the joint come August. Hell, the team has barely any Italian players anyways. Its the Swedes and Argies who are shitting the bed!

Oh and look out LB, your fellow Liverpool supporters are salivating all over a Torres-Cassano partnership.

Read more on "Antonio Cassano: not washed up yet"...