Newcastle entertaining 100 Million pound bids

It appears that the bids that Newcastle was seeking for their club are starting to show up, according to new reports surfacing. Is Newcastle owner Mike Ashley one of those owners who cuts his losses and bails, or is this the last act of a desperate man? Newly relegated Newcastle is in need of something, anything, positive to start their return to the EPL. Cleaning house at the top may be the correct starting point. Over the weekend, it had surfaced that several folks were looking to submit low ball bids in hopes of finding a deal. But today, reports coming from Newcastle themselves are claiming that the 100 million pound price to own the Owen-less Newcastle United are being met by not only one, but three different bids. Since its managing directly Derek Llambias making the claims, call me Dubious.

Ashley paid 135 millions pounds in 2007 for the club, and has claimed to have put in 244 million pounds since then. I'm still not sure what it was spent on fully, as the club has really taken a nose dive.

Restoring order to a sports team once its taken this emotional and performance hit is a very tough thing. I don't see a conglomerate from Asia having the ability to give the team, staff, and fans the sort of lift that is needed.

One of the early BBC articles mentioned an American bidder, but the only name i've heard of is LA Galaxy owner and developer Philip Anschutz. He's the name that seems to be in the mix all the time, and he's that breed of owners i've always flagged as using sports to drive other business interests. Which may be what a team like Newcastle needs - someone who knows how to extract revenue in other manners to help beef up their players and their farm system.

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UF Quick Throw: Breaking News!

According to the Associated Press, ESPN have just won the rights to broadcast Setanta's 46 Premier League games in the UK next season. How will this affect ESPN's attempts to crack the footy market in the USA? Nobody knows but this is a first step into the world of the Premier League for ESPN. Setanta lost their rights to the games when they failed to pony up the latest, required installment of cash to the Premier League last week. Stay tuned for more as we get it.

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Quick Throw: Not so fast, bored Arab!

The EPL, miraculously finding the time between filet mignon lunches and visits to the spa, have decided to run the potential Pompey owner through their "fit-and-proper persons" rule that's yet to be fully implemented. I guess they're checking to see whether he's qualified or honest or something.

Good luck, Pompey! Remember: all the money in the world doesn't mean you'll be signing Kaka in July. If he and the rest of the soccer superstars didn't want to go to Citeh, they're certainly not choosing the gloomy South Coast.

[Guardian Sport]

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The EPL. The Final Day. The Madness of Trying to Follow All Games at once.

Can the Tyneside hero get it done today? I say no

So here we are, folks.... the 38th game. This is it until the Confederations Cup rolls around in mid-June (of course, we'll be all over it), unless you count the numbing monstrosities of Serie A.

All games begin at 10am, and I'm stuck with Hull/Man U on the television, as are any of you with FSC, I believe. I have another game or two on the laptop, and so I'll be bringing you a tri-liveblog of sorts, and also will try to keep up with all the other games going on at the same time. u75 just did the impossible with the SPL, so that gives me hope.

So what's the story?

- Sunderland, Hull, Middlesbrough and Newcastle all fighting to not be in the 2 remaining relegation slots up for grabs
- Can Spurs snatch the last place in Europe with a win at Anfield (and Fulham losing at home to Everton)?


As you can see, lots to keep up with.

If rushed spelling and incoherent narrative are your cup of tea, join me after the jump. I'll be back at 10.50 to get comfortable.


I did have the lineups but what's the point? Use BBC and stay here for the frantic recording of all incidents!

11.03am: Not much so far, obviously. I'm following Villa/Newcastle along with Hull/Man U and the 'Boro game. I want to see the relegation desperation in full effect.

11.04am: Agbonlahor headed narrowly over. Squeaky bum time already for the Magpies.

11.05am: Milner just ghosts by Coloccini and gets tripped for his efforts on the edge of the box. Free kick, natch, but Villa waste it and Newcastle breathe again. Not a confident start by Shearer's men, by any means.

Man United kick off, and I recognize almost none of their team. Still hung up on how crap Fabio Coloccini.

Louis Saha just hit the crossbar with a header at Craven Cottage...

11.09am: I figure FSC are about 5 minutes behind the live feed.

I think Essien just put a corner narrowly wide against Sunderland, too.... this is going to get confusing.

11.10am: COME ON MAGPIES! Damien Duff cuts inside nicely from the left, leaving Milner for dust. His right-footed shot catches Friedel by surprise but the Yank manages to turn it around the post, on reflexes alone.

And again close for Newcastle! Taylor has time to turn and shoot on the edge of the 6-yard box but it's booted off the line by Carlos Cuellar. Lovenkrands turned a nice cross in, and Martins tries to turn it goalward. No such luck.

11.13am: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL AT CITEH! Felipe Caicedo taps it in from close range after Robinho's quick free-kick is knocked across the area by Micah Richards. Manchester Citeh 1, Portsmouth 0

Obafemi Martins volleys it over the bar from 12 yards... he should have BURIED that. Didn't know he had 8 EPL goals this season.

11.16am: GOAL AT THE EMIRATES! A James Beattie own goal as Fabregas fires the ball into the six-yard box after a short corner. I dunno if you caught it as I was blogging, but I did predict a 4-0 Arsenal win somewhere amid the lineups... they play so well when there's no pressure whatsoever. Arsenal 1, Stoke 0

11.17am: Kevin Nolan has a crack at goal but Friedel falls on it with ease. Newcastle are definitely forcing the issue.

Not much to report at KC Stadium. Nani got fouled a minute ago, but Hull look comfortable thus far. United's teenagers are playing with no urgency whatsoever.

11.20am: Anything going on at Anfield? Upton Park? Ewood Park?

GOAL GOAL GOAL AT EMIRATES! It came from a penalty... Shawcross fouled Robin van Persie, and the oft-injured Dutchman puts it away. Arsenal 2, Stoke 0

Geovanni has a decent volley parried away by Kuszczak.

11.22am: So close for Villa! It looked like Ashley Young got free on the left and put a wonderful cross in the middle for Milner, who was right on top of Harper and the goalie got there first to poke it away.

GOAL GOAL GOAL AT EMIRATES! What did I tell you... RvP puts a cross in and Abou Diaby (his goal at Villa was one of my picks of the season, for what it's worth) nods it in. Those Gooners. Carefree. Arsenal 3, Stoke 0

11.24am: Ashley Young is causing so much trouble down the left for Newcastle. Can Ryan Taylor single-handedly keep the door closed at the back? You know Coloccini's going to do nothing.

Nani has a free-kick 30 yards out and sidefoots it towards goal.... Myhill smothers and saves.

Newcastle celebrate, as Man United just took the lead at the KC Stadium, and what a goal it was! Darron Gibson got the ball out wide left, and rocketed a shot some 30 yards from a narrow-ish angle and Myhill lost it in the sun. To be fair, he had no chance. Hull City 0, Manchester United 1

That goal keeps the Magpies in the EPL if they hold for a draw or better and Hull stay at 1-0 down.

11.28am: Junior Stanislav hits the crossbar for West Ham at home to 'Boro. So that's something.

Viduka is ready to come back on after taking a head knock.

11.29am: So far, so good I think.... right guys? It's easy to keep track when there have only been 4 goals in 10 games. I imagine events in an hour's time will be rather different. Come the 80th minute, I might need to sub out. Help me out in the comments, folks, if I'm missing goals anywhere else in the league.

11.30am: James Milner appears mandated to break down Newcastle all by himself. He is shooting from all angles. None of them are going in. Villa have had 64% of possession thus far but the Magpies have had by far the better chances.

11.31am: Gabby Agbonlahor is close to breaking that brittle offside trap, but he fails. Was clean through, but he couldn't hold his run enough! Annd.... the feed's gone dead. Need to find West Ham/Boro if possible.

TO RECAP: if these results hold, Newcastle finish 17th and Hull go down.

11.33am: GOAL GOAL GOAL FOR BRUCIE'S WIGAN! Hugo Rodallega has the easiest of tap-ins following Sol Campbell's swing-and-a-miss to clear a Charles Insomnia cross. Wigan 1, Portsmouth 0 Sidenote: I bet Shearer wishes he has N'Zogbia to call on right now. Nice work, Joe.

11.34am: Stoke have a penalty!

Michael Ballack is on for Chelsea, replacing the hobbling Belletti.

Watching West Ham/Middlesbrough now. 'Boro have a mountain to climb, but at least Marvin Emnes is trying to do the Sherpa's work. He's been busy. As I type it, GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL.... to West Ham! Herita Ilunga gets to the byline and puts a ball right across the 6-yard-box.... Jones doesn't collect, it rattles about a bit, 'Boro fail to clear and Carlton Cole sidefoots it home from close range. That's not good for Southgate, is it? West Ham 1, Middlesbrough 0

11.37am: Goals everywhere! Denilson lays out Ricardo Fuller, and the captain-slapping striker slots the PK. Arsenal 3, Stoke 1

And then at Anfield.... GOAL TO LIVERPOOL! Fernando Torres rises like a salmon to meet Dirk Kuyt's cross and guide it in off the crossbar. Liverpool 1, Spurs 0

Lots of ankle-biting challenges at the KC Stadium, but Hull are still rarely threatening the pre-pubescent United backline, marshalled by creepy Uncle Gary Neville on the right.

Lost my 'Boro feed, but gain the Villa feed back just in time...

11.40am: GOAL GOAL GOAL TO ASTON VILLA! Shearer is rather disheartened, and rightly so; some awful luck for the Magpies. Gareth Barry gets the ball at halfway, belts a shot from 40 yards, and it's going to Row ZZ until Damien Duff gets his foot on it, presumably to deflect it down to Row XX, but it spins past Steve Harper. Awful luck. Aston Villa 1, Newcastle 0

Everything to do for Newcastle and 'Boro now... Hull will stay up as all 3 are losing. Nothing happening in Sunderland/Chelsea to speak of.

11.42am: Lost that feed again... I'll keep trying. Thankfully, the 0-0 fests at Blackburn/West Brom, Fulham/Everton, and Sunderland/Chelsea are helping keep me focused.

11.44am: So close for Villa! John Carew surges forward, crosses for Gagbonlahor, but the youngster can't turn it in. Hull fans go wild at the KC Stadium, and rightly so; only in the EPL can you lose and still be safe.

11.45am: Ha, I was right, almost! GOAL GOAL GOAL AT THE EMIRATES, and Arsenal continue to prove their fearlessness in the face of no fear whatsoever. They cement their already-cemented 4th place with a 4th goal... it was Robin van Persie! Rory Delap tried an ill-advised backheader to Sorensen, but it's never making it, and RvP chests, controls, and volleys home from 12 yards. Arsenal 4, Stoke 1

Back to watching West Ham/Boro, and 'Boro appear to have woken up. A couple of corners in quick succession.... you never know. Goals right before half-time are at a premium these days, it seems.

11.48am: EVERTON SCORE! Steven Pienaar frees Leon Osman to beat the offside trap and the tiny Welshman(?) rounds Schwarzer and taps it in. Fulham 0, Everton 1

HALF TIME: West Ham 1, Middlesbrough 0

11.48am: Florent Malouda hits the crossbar at the Stadium of Light. Nevermind; Sunderland can lose and wake up tomorrow with his team still in the EPL.

HALF TIME: Aston Villa 1, Newcastle 0
HALF TIME: Blackburn 0, West Brom 0
HALF TIME: Fulham 0, Everton 1
HALF TIME: Hull 0, Manchester United 1
HALF TIME: Liverpool 1, Tottenham 0
HALF TIME: Manchester City 1, Bolton 0
HALF TIME: Sunderland 0, Chelsea 0
HALF TIME: Wigan 1, Portsmouth 0

11.50am: HALF TIME: Arsenal 4, Stoke 1

Well, I'm off to mainline some coffee and take some speed. This was rough, even with just a handful of goals to report. If teams start scoring at will after the break, I might need to be hospitalized.

Keep up the great work in the comments too! I need help with goals from some of those fringe games that aren't really on my radar.

Let's recap for a minute:
Hull will be safe. Middlesbrough and Newcastle will go down. Sunderland are safe, I think, no matter what, as the other 3 teams are losing. How's that for anti-climax? You'd think that considering the unpredictable season we've seen thus far (except for Man U winning, of course), we'd see some fireworks early today... that said, there's still 45 mins left. It's going to take some herculean efforts by all involved to turn things around.

12.02pm: It's worth noting that safety is well within reach for Newcastle. They just need one goal. One! A draw, coupled with the inevitable 3-0 Hull defeat, will keep them up on goal difference. Then, we'll spend the summer lauding Shearer as a savior when he's absolutely not. This one's down to the guts on the pitch (not literally); Martins, Viduka, Lovenkrands and co. need to show us just why they're worth keeping around for another season.

12.04pm: They're back out on the pitch at Villa Park, with the proverbial mountain to climb.

For what it's worth, my predictions:
- Hull will lose
- Newcastle will equalize
- Sunderland will lose
- Middlesbrough will lose

'Boro and The Perma-Tan to enjoy Colaship footy next season.

Oh, and Arsenal will now go on to win 11-1, simply because they're mindbogglingly consistent in their ability to turn up for games that don't count. It'll be some real champagne football, with great goals, wonderful skill, and absolutely no consequence to anyone or anything.

Everyone's underway again.

12.07pm: GOAL GOAL GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT! Sunderland 0, Chelsea 1 ... you had an inkling it was coming. Still, with all 4 relegation-fighting teams currently losing, the table remains the same. Nicolas Anelka absolutely buries a shot from 12 yards for the goal.

12.08pm: Whither Michael Owen? You get the sense he'll be playing for Birmingham or Wolves next season, regardless of whether the Magpies escape or not. Fact is, one great England striker (Shearer) doesn't fancy the Guy who was Almost a great England striker. The lack of faith he has in Michael Owen is astounding, though not entirely undeserved. Looking at it straight, Shearer felt more confident in a 49-year-old injury-prone Australian, and Obafemi Martins, a guy who's essentially playing with one good leg after he declined urgently-needed leg surgery in order to help the Magpies survive.

12.10pm: FOR U75: exactly when does the Statute of Limitations run out on the season of the Invincibles? I mean, how long will you trade on that incredible performance considering you've won precisely nothing since?

12:11pm: GOAL GOAL GOAL AT UPTON PARK, and Middlesbrough have a lifeline! They need another, but something about the longest journey beginning with one single step, or something. It's Gary O'Neil with a thundering shot from the edge of the box.

GOAL GOAL GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT! SBRAGIA FANS, REJOICE! Sunderland 1, Chelsea 1... looks like third place for the Blues. Kieran Richardson, a man of great inconsistency, does well to poach a goal after Cech failed to gather a cross from the left.

12.15pm: James Milner goes close to burying Newcastle, but his shot from 12 yards drifts wide of the far post.

Hey look, there's an ugly woman in the crowd at the KC Stadium!

Geovanni's off at the KC, replaced by Caleb Folan. I'd bet that's the last time we see him in a Hull shirt.

12.17pm: A temporary lull across England... where will the next goal come from? My money's on Anfield.

Meanwhile, at Villa Park, subs for Newcastle: Jose Enrique on, Lovenkrands off.

12.19pm: Middlesbrough's goal gives them hope, but they need another. More subs warming up at Villa Park, as that game heats up.

12.20pm: GOAL GOAL GOAL AT UPTON PARK... and I have a habit of typing things at the most inopportune times. West Ham take the lead, as Junior Stanislas (great name) ensures his infamy on Tyne and Wear with a speculative shot from 20 yards that sneaks underneath Jones in goal. That's surely it for 'Boro. Nighty night. I hate to say it, but sloppy mistakes like that are what put teams in the relegation zone to begin with. West Ham 2, Middlesbrough 1

12.23pm: Fine, I'll turn on the LFC/Spurs game as the other feeds are choppy. Just in time to see Benayoun almost score. As it stands, Everton will finish 5th, Villa 6th, Fulham 7th, Spurs 8th and no Europe... meanwhile, Hull and Sunderland will survive, and 'Boro' and Newcastle say goodnight.

12.24pm: I expected more goals, EPL Final Weekend! How dare you disappoint! At Villa Park, Michael Owen is gently warming up.

GOAL GOAL GOAL AT ANFIELD (Damn you West Ham, I almost won the bet to myself).... Liverpool score again! Eat shit and die, Robbie Keane! Look what you left behind! You're a fucking joke! Die! Stupid Robbie Keane! Fuck you! (just tempting fate HARD right now, and I don't care at all). Dirk Kuyt plays a nice 1-2 with SuperJew, and his shot gets deflected in off Alan Hutton. Liverpool 2, Spurs 0

Turner is playing well for Hull... meanwhile, the Macheda Magic Fairy Dust has well and truly worn off.

12.27pm: Any late drama brewing? I don't think so.

12.28pm: MICHAEL OWEN SIGHTING. He replaces the reliable, consistent Kevin Nolan, a midfielder who'll tear up the Colaship, me thinks. Can the oft-injured, oft-rubbish Owen do something magical? JUST ONE GOAL, MAGPIES. ONE FUCKING GOAL, and you're playing a Villa team as gap-ridden at Shane McGowan's teeth, especially since Martin Laursen's unfortunate early retirement.

12.30pm: Darron Gibson handballed at KC Stadium, and Hull bring on someone for Nick Barmby.

How did Gareth Barry not bury that? Nicky Butt gave the ball away with a stupid cross-field pass, and Barry jogs past the last man before putting his shot wide. Cut to agonized shot of Shearer and Iain Dowie, arguably the two LEAST-QUALIFIED men to get the Magpies out of this funk.

12.31pm: See? Macheda is rubbish. With one to beat, he blasts a shot a mile wide from 12 yards. Douchebag. And to think his goal against Aston Villa (SEE NEWCASTLE? ANYONE CAN SCORE AGAINST VILLA) is what quite possibly maybe decided this title race. Fucking death to Macheda.

12.32pm: RED CARD AT EWOOD PARK... apparently Jason Roberts elbowed someone but it should have only been a yellow card. And that concludes your game updates from Blackburn v. West Brom.

12.33pm: One goal. One goal. One goal. One goal. C'mon Newcastle. One single goal. Liverpool put 5 past Aston Villa. CSKA Moscow scored some. United scored 3. Everton scored 2. Villa aren't that great at the back. One goal. Seriously. Can you score one goal? Invoke the ghosts of David Ginola, Les Ferdinand, Faustino Asprilla (without a gun in his hand, mind you)... make Alan Shearer look like a good idea. One single fucking goal. C'mon. Seriously. Do it.

12.35pm: As Newcastle continue to not score, Villa make some subs. Emile Heskey on for Craig Gardner, I think. Or maybe it's a double sub. Will find out shortly.

Meanwhile, wake up folks.... GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT! The least-troubled relegation-area team fall behind via a Solomon Kalou strike after they fail to clear a corner. With everyone else still losing, it doesn't make any difference. Sunderland 1, Chelsea 2

12.37pm: Seriously, is anyone else as disappointed as I am? Four teams playing for their spot in the best league in the world, and they're all losing. If you're not doing this for the money, do it for the pride. Seriously!

12.38pm: GOAL AT ANFIELD... and I'm glad my intentional hex effort paid off in the form of a goal. Waiting to hear who scored it. Probably Robbie Keane. Wow, what's that now, 5 goals this season? Load of fucking rubbish. Enjoy not Europe next season. Liverpool 2, Spurs 1

12.39pm: Yeah, woo, Robbie Keane beat the offside trap and scored. Who fucking cares? He's rubbish! He could equalize or score a hat-trick and I still wouldn't care.

GOALS SCORED IN GAMES OF NO CONSEQUENCE: 11
GOALS SCORED IN GAMES OF HUGE MASSIVE CONSEQUENCE (including Sunderland although they were really always safe): 8

12.41pm: HA HA HA HA SUCK IT ROBBIE KEANE! An immediate answer from the Anfield gods. Eat that shit up with a spoon, you useless 2nd striker. Liverpool 3, Spurs 1

12.42pm: How did Carew miss that? Gagbonlahor's cross finds the lanky Norwegian at the back post, but he misses the header completely.

12.43pm: The 3rd LFC goal from SuperJew, Yossi Benayoun. He eluded the limp challenge of Ledley "Sick Note" King to bury it past Gomes. Suck it, Spurs. We'll win the league next year, and you'll still be shite.

12.44pm: HERE IT IS... Welcome Sami Hyppia. Gerrard narrowly bends a free-kick wide, and Hyppia comes on to rapturous waves of applause, taking the captain's armband in the process. Classy move, if not a little late. Love that Finn. Enjoy Leverkusen and come back to coach our Academy in a few years' time.

Meanwhile, it says a lot that all the action worth noting is not happening at Villa Park or Upton Park. Sorry fellas, but your teams just aren't good enough.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT... and Chelsea secure 3rd place. Malouda's shot is blocked, and Arsenal's favourite Ashley Cole tucks away the rebound with his right foot, no less. Sunderland 1, Chelsea 3

12.46pm: SCORE JUST ONE GOAL, NEWCASTLE. One goal. That's it. Play 1-1-8 and do whatever you can.

Still enjoying the SuperJew's goal against the Yiddos. Get in.

12.48pm: GOAL AT CRAVEN COTTAGE...zzzzzzzz Everton score again. Who cares? Not I. Any of you? Didn't think so.

Meanwhile, Newcastle still haven't scored. What a limp way to end up in the Colaship. Precious little fight from that lot, and Shearer/whoever's in charge will have a tough time rallying the troops for next season.

Zoran Tosic comes on for Danny Welback at the KC Stadium. Another boring, limp-dicked game there. Disappointed in the lack of fighting spirit from all relegation-threatened teams today. All of you went down with nary a fight.

12.51pm: That Everton goal was courtesy of Leon Osman again. Nice goal, too; beats a couple of defenders and rockets one from 20 yards. Fulham 0, Everton 2

GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT! Can you Magpies not see how it's done? Sunderland bung in a 2nd against Chelsea, a feat far more difficult than scoring one against Aston Villa (still nothing yet)... Kenwyne Jones bags it, as well. Hey Spurs, there's the next expensive, inconsistent striker you'll be purchasing in July. Sunderland 2, Chelsea 3

12.53pm: SAMI HYPPIA ALMOST NODS ONE IN DURING HIS FINAL GAME FOR LIVERPOOL! Love that man. Meanwhile, Newcastle still haven't scored, although Jose Enrique came this close with a mishit cross, and then Shola Ameobi heads over from an Enrique cross. Also, Michael Owen hasn't even touched the ball yet. He's fucking rubbish. Like Robbie Keane.

12.55pm:
FULL TIME: Liverpool 3, Spurs 1
FULL TIME: Fulham 0, Everton 2
FULL TIME: Blackburn 0, West Brom
FULL TIME: West Ham 2, Middlesbrough 1 'Boro go down
FULL TIME: Wigan 1, Portsmouth 0

12.57pm:
FULL TIME: Arsenal 4, Stoke 1 I was close!
FULL TIME: Aston Villa 1, Newcastle Rubbish
FULL TIME: Sunderland 2, Chelsea 3
FULL TIME: Hull 0, Manchester United 1 Hull survive... ugh
FULL TIME: Manchester City 1, Bolton 0

12.59pm So there you have it. All 4 teams at the bottom lose, meaning the table stays the same. Hull and Sunderland rejoice, while the Magpies and 'Boro drop to the Colaship. To be honest, I wish all 4 of them could be relegated, while West Brom somehow get to stay (as they're the only team in the bottom 5 who actually ever bother to play decent football).

I'm amazed that there was no real drama today. Well, there was at Anfield, where Robbie Keane was royally stuffed by his former team in a comfortable 3-1 win. Get in. Oh, and Arsenal cantered to victory, which was to be totally expected.

Thanks for playing along, fellas. We'll try to liveblog some MLS until the Confederations Cup gets started... of course, we'll be all over that.

This was a lot of fun, and not as difficult as I expected it to be! Have a wonderful rest-of-Holiday-weekend, everyone!

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In Scudamore, we don't trust

His nose looks remarkably clean for a man who has his head firmly up his arse

There is still a lot of whinging and moaning about this weekend's EPL slate, and almost all of it revolves around Robbie Keane's vow for revenge at Anfield what kind of team Sir Alex Ferguson will choose to play Hull.

Will he play kids? Will he play the three-headed monster of Ronalrooneyvez? Does anyone outside of Hull and Newcastle even care? (We'll leave out the text promise made by Darren Fletcher to Ricky Sbragia, then)

Thankfully, EPL Chief Richard "Dick" Scudamore has weighed in, having taken five minutes between business luncheons and napping under his mahogany desk to contradict himself.

On one hand, Dicky Scu thinks it's peachy-cool for United to do whatever they wish and play any number of Serbian teenagers in a crucial relegation battle. They've apparently earned their right to do so.

I find this to be a little alarming; the head of the league is condoning such a wilfully destructive approach to a game with massive Colaship implications, and doing so in the carefree, breezy manner that you'd expect from a guy with tons of money and absolutely no perspective whatsoever.

Excuse me, Mr. Shearer? You just got the thumbs down from Emperor Scudamore in the Coliseum of Relegation. Or something equally far-fetched, metaphor-wise.

And then, in a drooling BBC radio interview, he says he fully expects United to field a strong competitive team, thus ensuring a fair and balanced final weekend and no such repeats of the Carlos Tevez/Sheffield United mess that plagued the league a couple of years ago (lest we forget that Fergie ran out his 2nd XI in that crucial game, the one where Carlos scored, the Hammers went apeshit, and Phil Warnock paid his lawyers for a million billable hours in advance).

Of course, 'Arry, a man who's been rather quiet down the stretch (being a mid-table side will do that to you), rolled off his hemorrhoid donut and wolfed down his meat-and-cheese pie in double-quick time so he could pen a column for the Sun saying that everyone should just stop crying and that Newcastle can have no complaints or gripes one way or the other.

Fergie did say he'd play a strong team, so that's something I suppose. But this isn't about United... it's about Scudamore, and that he's a total and complete fucking moron. I realize that the ka-ching of the EPL cash register is loud and all, but take a minute sometimes before you speak. There are three clubs threatened with a grim fate, and your soundbites paint you as an aloof, careless idiot.

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Relegation: it's full of conspiracies

For all the perceived machismo in soccer (C-Ron not withstanding), it can descend into banter and vicious gossip more in tune with that of the local sewing circle. And with the final EPL weekend of 2008/09 looming on the horizon, the brewing discontent on Tyneside is hard to ignore.

It's also rather hilarious.

Right off the bat, Alan Shearer, he of the bland punditry and blander managerial nous, is pointing fingers in the direction of Sir Alex Ferguson and threatening to tell teacher that he's not playing fair.

With United's trophy secured and a more important Champions League final to prepare for, there's every chance that Fergie's side will be rather, ahem, depleted in their final league game against Hull City. Of course, Hull are right there in the dogpile for the drop, and Shearer's not happy that the perma-tanned microphone wearer Phil Brown might have an advantage in the fight for survival.

Of course, we'd be remiss in mentioning that the Magpies have had countless opportunities to climb out of the hole since Alan's arrival, and that Shearer should spend his Monday evening watching hours of Aston Villa game tape instead. One win and 2 draws in his 7 games as Newcastle boss isn't very good, is it?

What we forgot to mention was the "special" relationship between Ferguson and Brown, presumably derived from the latter's constant attempts to rattle Arsenal's cage. Fergie helped Phil get a job at Derby County back in 2005, and the two have enjoyed a friendship for many years. There's also the whisper that SAF still loathes Alan for turning down an offer to play for Man United back in the 90s. Considering the grudge-holding reputation of the drunk Scot, I wouldn't be surprised at all.

As one would expect, Phil is mumbling pleasantries and the usual pre-match jingo about "expecting no favours" and "working hard" and "it won't be easy." On the inside, he knows it will be simple, although given the Tigers' form since October 28th (2 wins and 9 draws in their last 28), they'd have a hard time beating the United U-10s.

Meanwhile, in his high chair at St. James's, Alan wonders whether he'll get any help from his Match of the Day cohort, Martin O'Neill. The prognosis appears grim. Shearer is trying to get Bassong's red card overturned so he can play in the final game (good luck with that, Alan), but other than that, there ain't much sunshine in their future.

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And the wind cries... Rafa

Well, that's that. Something about how all the jacks are in their boxes, whether the wind will ever remember the names it has blown in the past, oh, and brooms drearily sweeping the remnants of yesterday's life.

The EPL was decided in that most thrilling of fashions, a 0-0 draw that United really could/should have lost, and we must all drag our attention to August, where the excitement and optimism of new signings still makes us all thing our teams are going to win the league. This is the year, this is it, I can feel it... etc etc ad nauseam.

And in a bid to keep the journos busy over the summer, Rafa Benitez couldn't resist another jab or two. Which is weird, as I always thought it was the winners that got to do this kind of thing.

So what did he do exactly? Something very becoming of a high-schooler, or maybe even Tracey Flick. He refused to congratulate Alex Ferguson! He wouldn't give him credit! He was smug! Et cetera!

Asked whether he would congratulate Ferguson in the wake of their 18th League title, Benítez, who had gone public with his grievances with the United manager in January with his infamous list of "facts", replied: "I will say congratulations to Manchester United." Not Sir Alex? "Ah, done well," said the Spaniard begrudgingly, "but I prefer to say congratulations to Manchester United; good club, big club."

It is protocol for the manager that finishes runners-up to send a letter of congratulations to his triumphant counterpart but Benítez gave little indication he will have a pen in his hand over the next few days when he was asked if he would write to Ferguson. "I have had normally to be polite and to respect the other manager at the end of the season. He has said a lot of things that I didn't like. I say congratulations to Man United because they have won and that's it."

(When added to his refusal to admit United are that much better, it makes for hilarious reading)

At least the Spaniard is consistent. I mean, does SAF really give a toss? He's sitting home with his silver polish while Senor Benitez is gorging on paella and figuring out which left-back to purchase in the summer.

Don't get me wrong here; I love Rafa, in large part because this season, despite ending trophyless again, has been the closest to something resembling progress during his tenure. Trending up, they call it, and no, I'm not delusional. Though we crashed and burned in domestic cups early, we're on course to finish second, something I don't think we've managed this century.

There's all the statistical rubbish about finishing within 10 points of the champs for the first time in ages, as well as the wonderful record against United, Arsenal and Chelsea (4 wins, 2 draws, having beaten none of 'em since the Benitez era began).

Still, we finished second, we faltered in February with that agonizing run of draws, and if ever there was a time to be contrite and quiet, it might be that first presser after those c*nts at Old Trafford hoisted the title. I give him mild credit for trying to maintain some drama in the league.

Which brings me to that nagging question: when is Jose Mourinho coming back to the EPL?

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LiveBlog: Tootsie Pop FC v. Blue London Scum

Bendtner may have de-pantsed himself midweek, but it's the Blue Scum doing the de-pantsing today

Which teams got eliminated from the CL this week? Oh right, these two. So there's that displaced rage to feed into the proceedings, as well as the FA Cup semi, although let's not ignore the fact that this game is largely meaningless. It's all about pride, folks!

Let's go!

Lineups:

Tootsie Pop FC: Fabianski, Sagna, Toure, Silvestre, Gibbs, Walcott, Nasri, Song Billong, Diaby, Fabregas, Van Persie.
Subs: Mannone, Denilson, Ramsey, Djourou, Adebayor, Bendtner, Eboue.

Blue London Scum: Cech, Bosingwa, Alex, Terry, Ashley Cole, Essien, Mikel, Lampard, Anelka, Drogba, Malouda.
Subs: Hilario, Ivanovic, Di Santo, Ballack, Kalou, Belletti, Mancienne.

1 min: The Gunners break well with Walcott steaming up the middle like a greyhound and having two cracks at goal, the first blocked before the second ended up in Row ZZ. Bright start.

3 mins: The ball is being knocked around at a fast pace thus far, with Lamps and Anelka trying to break through seconds ago, the move ended by the Frenchman's weighty first touch.

Walcott is caught offside as Arse try to get the ball over the top. It's an interesting tactic, as Chelsea are defending way back and not leaving much room for Gooners to sprint into.

Gibbs's cross is shinned out by Alex for our first corner of the game... Fabregas takes it long, but it's way too long and it dribbles out for a Chelsea goal kick.

6 mins: Walcott wins a corner off Ashley Cole. Young Theo looks a lot more up for it than he did midweek. Nevermind; Cech collects the corner with ease.

At the other end, Gibbs makes a strong tackle and snuffs out some danger down right right wing. Emirates applauds him warmly after the nightmare in the CL. Good confidence boost for the young lad.

Then, in the space of 60 seconds, two great moves by the home side; Nasri runs onto a nice pass dummied and left for him, but he turns Bosingwa too many times and it ends up out for a throw. From the dead ball, the Gooners work it across the pitch from left to right, and a neat pass through the Chelsea backline gives Walcott a sniff at the back post, forcing a punch save from Cech. Van Persie wastes the resulting corner.

Reds definitely looking sharper than the Blues thus far, which is to be expected -- after all, whose CL defeat was more heartbreaking, controversial and bitter?

10 mins: First real attacking move for Chelsea, involving a speculative lofted pass from Lamps to Drogba, but Toure is there to nod it away.

Lamps gets some space 20+ yards out and dead in front, but his shot is always slicing wide.

The two sides are enjoying time on the ball to knock it around (mostly Arsenal), but one suspects it's due to the lack of pressure on either side to win.

GREAT MOVE by Arsenal --- Diaby toepokes wide after a lovely build-up; Nasri spins away from pressure in midfield and sprints on goal. He feeds Walcott wide, and his square pass back into traffic but Diaby can't finish.

Drogba slips at the other end trying to keep the ball in play, prompting more than a few jeers. No displays of rage and/or petulance from the Ivorian. Yet.

15 mins: The Chelsea backline is looking rather drab thus far. Malouda's hair, however, is looking fantastic, dahling.

Silvestre mops up an attempted cross-field release for Anelka, and the Gooners break quickly; Walcott chases down an overhit pass into the left corner and slams it across goal -- no-one there to finish. Ball ends up whizzing in and around the Chelsea goal, but no actual shot to speak of.

Arsenal are playing with the unfettered exuberance of a team with little to lose. If only this game had some fucking meaning or consequence!

18 mins: Just as Lampard begins to exert some calming influence over the midfield, Arsenal break quickly with Diaby down the left. He has Bosingwa on his heels (and in his pocket) all the way back to the edge of the Blues' box, and his low cross reaches all the way to Walcott at the back post... the youngster sidefoots it wide. Excellent chance again for the Gooners.

This game doesn't mean anything for next season's CL, does it? 3rd and 4th place go into the 3rd qualifying round... although Chelsea could keep pace with Liverpool for 2nd and the automatic spot in the group stage.

21 mins: Chelsea grind some passes out, and a lovely move by Drogba to backheel the ball through his marker sets Ashley Cole off on a race towards goal. He squares it for Malouda, but his sidefooted finish is too casual and Gibbs is there to block. Anyone other than the cornrowed Frenchman and it's a goal, me thinks. Arsenal scramble it clear -- Drogba has a chance to shoot from the top of the box, but his curled effort it 1,000 miles wide.

On replay, Malouda didn't even hit it cleanly. Douche.

24 mins: A mildly entertaining game thus far, a bit like Ocean's Twelve in its ability to keep the viewer amused without insulting their intelligence.

Mikel fouls near his own area (as he is often wont to do), giving Fabregas a chance to angle one in. He opts to shoot right into Bosingwa behind the wall, and then the Blues play statues from the rebound; inexplicably, the ball is allowed to bounce in the box, and Diaby shins it wide from close range. Cech is pissed, and rightly so; should be 1-0 Arsenal right now.

27 mins: Fabregas touches Drogba's heel as the Ivorian receives the ball. It was a light touch, a feathery contact to say the least. Drogba tumbles like a Jenga tower missing one too many bricks, and Phil Dowd issues the Spaniard a yellow for his efforts. The free kick is floated in...

... GOAL GOAL GOAL for Chelsea! What a shambles, and completely undeserved. Alex rises to meet Drogba's inch-perfect cross, and his header from 12 yards rattles off the underside of the bar and in. Silvestre didn't bother to leap and disrupt the Brazilian, and Fabianski stood and watched the ball hit the woodwork and fall in.

Shambolic goal -- but I await the fun in the comments! Tootsie Pop FC 0, Blue London Scum 1

Not good for Fourthsenal. Boos echo around the Emirates, and the Reds need to respond quickly.

30 mins: Almost 2-0! Malouda nips in behind Sagna and canters towards goal, but his cross for Drogba is deflected behind for a corner. Lamps bends it in and Fabianski comes out a mile to punch and scramble it clear. He fails, but Arse are lucky as a whistle blows.

32 mins: Dowd ushers Cesc over for an actual foul, as the Spaniard poleaxes Malouda in full sprint and fails to get a toe on the ball. I'm confused; the first foul on Drogba (the first "foul", rather) wasn't card-worthy, but this one certainly was. Dowd preaches leniency, but one more of those and Fabregas will shower early. Lampard is right to question the ref for his inconsistency.

34 mins: That Theo sure is fast, isn't he? A long ball springs him free over Ashley Cole, who's caught ball-watching, but Walcott runs out of steam in the box and Chelsea are able to clear.

36 mins: We're entering a bit of a lull; to continue the Ocean's Twelve, it's that bit in the movie between when they piss off the French bandit and start planning how they're gonna steal that Faberge egg.

But wait! Intrigue! Walcott again gets down the right wing and crosses right across goal but the Gooner in the middle (Diaby?) can't usher it in with a backheel. Just Bolton that, lad, and knee/shin/ankle/waist it into net. Flair has its place, but so does brutality. Finish with some force!

38 mins: Drogba receives some healthy boos when he gets the ball. I wonder why?

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL... and it's the visitors again! Gooner fans should complain about the pathetic effort of Samir Nasri, who was supposed to be marking Nicolas Anelka there. Absolutely awful. Anelka picks it up miles from goal, has time to control and turn past the frosted-tip traffic cone that is Nasri, sprint some 15 yards and rifle a right-footed shot past Fabianski. Not a single Gooner touched him the entire time.

If there was still a Gilberto Silva at Emirates, Anelka would be hobbling towards early retirement and Arsenal would still be down just 1-0. Such is life. Tootsie Pop FC 0, Blue London Scum 2

42 mins: Arsenal try to free Walcott, the only Gooner giving an effort thus far, down the right again, but he's double-teamed and can't keep possession.

This first 40 has been difficult for the Gooners, showing them in the cold light of day (even though it's summer); when unpressured, they are transcendent in moving forward, but for all their pacy, slight attacking middies, they are awful in tracking back. Sure, the first goal came from a textbook Drogba dive, but you could have made an effort in defending that corner. There's precious little in that midfield that can actually tackle, and in the EPL, such frailty will resign you to 4th place. Sorry, folks, I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

At Anfield our defense might be wobbly, but woe betide the poor soul who wanders into Mascherano's territory looking for some room to skip and stepover.

Somewhere in the middle of my rambling, Malouda could have made it 3-0. Wenger needs to buy some old-fashioned grit for that midfield this off-season. They're a team of supermodels that desperately need some gap-toothed hustle and bustle to keep them grounded. Can Nobby Stiles still play football?

45 mins + 1: Nothing of substance to talk about. Essien finds Malouda in the middle after another breezy run at the Gooner backline. Malouda loses it, but Anelka is there to sidefoot into Fabianski's legs. Decent save, but Anelka should have done better.

HALF TIME: Tootsie Pop FC 0, Blue London Scum 2
At the risk of inciting The NY Kid's ire in the comments, the gap between Arsenal and Spurs won't be twenty points next season. Why? Because Spurs have a defensive midfielder in Palacios who can tackle. And that Jamie O'Hara's good at that too.

Arsenal played well for 25 minutes but couldn't finish. Chelsea played simple footy and are two goals to the good, aided by some defensive generosity from their hosts.

Let's hope for some action in the 2nd half and not a sleepy continuation of the half's final 10 minutes.

CONGRATS TO MIKE GEORGER, UF's favourite resident LFC fan in the sandbox. Well done, sir. You made it!

New name for Arsenal: Tootsie Pop FC (at least until you purchase a quality DM).

Although, that implies a hard exterior. Hmm... back to the drawing board. I mean, you all realize I'm doing this because the game itself is now even more devoid of excitement and intrigue, right?

BRILLIANT! They show Gold Cup teaser commercials, and the first three snippets involve fighting, arguing and shocking tackling. I cannot wait! That's definitely the best way to sell that tournament.

We're off again!

47 mins: Anelka gets behind Mikael Silvestre, but his cross is off-target and the Tootsie Pops clear.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL... Kolo Toure swallows a bullet for his team, and that just sucks. A lovely outside-of-the-foot ball by Ashley Cole gets over the top for Drogba, and Kolo Toure gets in the way of Drogba's cross (something he had to do, really) to turn it into his own net. Fabianski was caught between all the action like a moron. Unlucky, really, but it would have been a tap-in for the Blues had Toure not tried to defend. Tootsie Pop FC 0, Blue London Scum 3

So, in order to keep everyone chatting, let's start seeing some summer shopping lists (best case, and realistic) for all our clubs. Who do you need to succeed next season?

Liverpool could use some decent wing-backs and a second striker. Zhirkov and Villa, please.

50 mins: Van Persie gets behind the Scum backline (though offside not called, whoops), but his low shot is well saved by Cech. Are you taking notes from the other end, Lukas?

54 mins: Walcott's fine, looping cross to the back post finds Nasri, but he can't finish a difficult volley with Essien closing in, and the ball ends up in the stands.

56 mins: The stands are still pretty full as the cameraman takes some time off from the melee to look around. Wenger looks rather pissed off.

Walcott again gets some room down the right -- he's working his arse off, give him credit -- but from the cross, van Persie's shot is deflected out for a corner. Fabregas takes it, but Drogba heads it clear. It comes to Song, who plays a clever chip to the back post where Walcott is free, but he blazes a shot wide of the far post with no defender nearby. He should have buried that.

Toure needlessly gives away a corner. Malouda to swing it in.

Rejoice, Tootsie Pop fans... Bendtner is warming up!

59 mins: The commentator points out that if Arsenal had converted all these chances, it'd be 3-3. What good does it do to say that?

SUB FOR TOOTSIE POP FC: Abou Diaby crawls off, replaced by the pink-booted Dane. Time for him to prove he's the best in the world, then. He just needs to make sure he keeps his pants pulled up while doing so.

61 mins: Drogba spots Fabianski off his line and attempts to chip it over him from 45 yards. Predictably, he misses.

NOTE TO STEVE: Spurs don't steal players from anyone. They are, however, always available to buy back at a steal of a price.

64 mins: Walcott v. Terry. Who would win that sprint? Theo, while contemplating how to elegantly skip past the England regular, is dispossessed by Essien who tracks back. Tracking Back = something Tootsie Pop FC defenders midfielders need to do.

Bosingwa looks shocked he got that Cole cross at the back post; after all, two defenders had chances to clear before it got there. He blitzes the ball over the bar.

67 mins: Sagna avoids going into the book, and Wenger readies to roll the dice with his final 2 substitutions.

Bosingwa cuts in from the wing under little pressure, but his left-footed drive is a thousand miles wide.

FINAL TWO SUBS FOR TOOTSIE POP FC (pray there are no injuries): Theo Walcott and Alex Song off, replaced by Denilson and Emmanuel Adebayor. The lanky/useless striker gets a little bit of the boo-boy action as he saunters onto the pitch. He looks ready to gesticulate and look disgruntled as not receiving possession exactly the way he would like in the final third.

69 mins: Lamps fouls Fabregas in midfield, but the home side do nothing with it. Then Lamps plays a lovely first-time ball out left for Malouda, but he can't cross under pressure and Fabianski smothers the loose ball.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL... a possible lifeline for the Tootsie Pops? Lovely cross by Sagna, and Nicklas Bendtner powers over Essien and Bosingwa, directing a fine downward header inside Cech's far post. The striker did very, very well there. Didn't Adebayor used to do stuff like that? Tootsie Pop FC 1, Blue London Scum 3

The Gooners are showing some life now, with Adebayor getting into interesting wide positions and looking to cause menace. Another goal in the next 5-7 minutes would make things very interesting.

Somewhere far, far away, Sir Alex Ferguson is fast asleep, not even bothering to watch.

Lamps blasts a free-kick from 30+ yards way over the bar.

74 mins: Nasri's been largely rubbish today. ANOTHER GOOD CHANCE FOR TOOTSIE POP FC.... another great cross into the heart of the box, and Bendtner powers a header back across goal, forcing a fine diving save by Cech. Van Persie was right behind the Dane, and should have probably been a bit more vocal in calling for that ball. A lot more momentum with the Tootsies now.

Then, a weak shout for a penalty as Adebayor nips behind Bosingwa and tumbles, but it was never going to be called, not even by the moron Phil Dowd.

Toure then levels Malouda with a hip-check as the ball's going out of bounds. Malouda is down, but just a free kick. Some emotion is being shown at Emirates!

SUBSTITUTION FOR THE BLUE LONDON SCUM: The Unibrow Bosingwa departs, replaced by Branislav "I somehow scored TWO goals at Anfield!" Ivanovic.

78 mins: There is still some fight left in this one (like that bit in Ocean's Twelve where they all end up in jail except for Matt Damon and Bernie Mac and the other guy, who plan that whole shenanigan with Julia Roberts acting as Julia Roberts in that Italian hotel), but Tootsie Pop FC need that 2nd goal quickly if there's to be any semblance of excitement.

80 mins: RvP fizzes a free header towards the top corner, but Cech is a giant and catches it easily.

PS. Both teams have had 13 attempts on goal?

A nice link-up down the left with Adebayor setting Fabregas off. The Spaniard gets to the touchline and chips a cross into the middle, but Cech stretches to grab.

82 mins: Bendtner finds Nasri in the box, who steps inside and has his shot blocked out for a corner.

A mess in the middle! The home side can't force it in with defenders everywhere; Toure, Silvestre and Gibbs all have chances to shoot, but it goes over the top.

Coulda been different if it wasn't three defenders trying to force that ball in.

85 mins: There's a surprising amount of excitement in this for a game that's 3-1.

UM, CONTENTIOUS PENALTY DECISION ALERT! Adebayor is through one-on-one with Cech, knocks the ball past the goalie and goes down! Emirates demands blood in the form of a PK! Upon review, Adebayor totally fucking dove. Sorry, Gooners.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL.... that's how you respond. Malouda beats the offside trap and shoots into Fabianski's legs, Anelka hits the post with an empty net (he was a bit offside, no?), but the ball pings into Florent Malouda who bundles it into a still empty net. Some real pinball stuff, and also the final punctuation mark on a weird, wild afternoon. That's the best thing about liveblogging Tootsie Pop FC matches; win, lose or draw, you do get your money's worth. Tootsie Pop FC 1, Blue London Scum 4

SUB FOR BLUE LONDON SCUM: Malouda off, having had a surpringly decent game, and he's replaced by the growling, miserable Kraut, Michael Ballack.

90 mins: Curtains. Close. In Ocean's Twelve, George Clooney and Julia Roberts are smiling and giggling, having double-crossed the French guy. Brad Pitt is kissing his girl on an airplane, and everyone's happy.

Some lazy passing and both teams just killing time. RvP has a shot that's blocked, and the Blue London Scum knock it about a bit having calmly cleared their lines.


FULL TIME: Tootsie Pop FC 1, Blue London Scum 4
Not much to cheer about if you like Wenger and the youth/flair/potential, etc. Their midfield is shockingly soft when not in possession. Hiddink brought his men well-prepared, and the result is deserved. Maybe the 4th wasn't, but the margin of victory is a fair representation of the gulf between the two sides today.

Thanks for making this entertaining in the comments. I should liveblog the Gooners more often.

What have we learned?
- Buy some fucking midfielders that can tackle
- Ocean's Twelve is a decent flick, though not legendary
- Adebayor is a filthy diver

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Rich owner wants to restrain other rich owners

Oh look at him, the cheeky scamp

Mohamed Al Fayed has a plan.

The owner of Fulham FC, the team of Clint Dempsey and surely Obama's favorite EPL team, hasn't said much in the media for a while, but thankfully, this got him a moment of attention, sparing us all yet more column inches reserved for Big Sam's flapping jowls, Sir Alex's frothing discontent, and inanities from John Terry.

Basically, Al Fayed wants a salary cap in the EPL.

Here we go again!

So yeah, a salary cap in the EPL. Naturally, as these caps are wont to do, it would perhaps bring the league into that nirvana-like state known as parity.

It's something owners love because it finally gives those middling ones a chance to compete. No longer must they battle and struggle to maintain their mid-table foothold; nay, perhaps we'll see something majestic and unexpected, like Blackburn winning a league title (yes, for the love of Gerrard, I know LFC haven't managed that, please don't remind me). Granted, their team was stacked to the rafters with a payroll quite handsome for its day, but I digress.

The advertisers, marketing wizards and broadcasters grit their teeth at the sheer unpredictability of it all, because it forces them to send their preening, coiffured broadcasters and pundits to the league's least exotic climes. Perhaps a pivotal Sunday afternoon game from Sunderland? Or maybe Fratton Park could become the next Old Trafford? No, TV loves a bankable sure thing, meaning we get 50,000 games a year from Emirates or Stamford Bridge.

Fayed's point is simple:

"Our expenses bill rose by 17 percent last year. How can it be right for top players to be earning 15-20 million pounds a year? It's crazy. These wages need to be capped, but I worry that it won't happen because the Premier League and the FA (Football Association) are run by donkeys who don't understand business, who are dazzled by money.

If the world wants to keep players in pocket for tens of thousands of pounds every week, then let the Premier League and the FA negotiate with Sky and other broadcasters for a share of the billions that they make in profit from our product, from my product. Because, at present, they don't. All around the world, football fans are paying to watch top matches on TV.

And yet do most clubs see any of that money? No. We are hopelessly dependent on our end-of-season league placing to determine our share of the cash. It makes a difference of feast or famine every season.

Yet even then, except for the top four clubs, we're only talking about a difference of (a) few million, which doesn't get you far.

Fair play, Mo. I mean, we could readjust the TV revenues and profit-sharing somewhat to make things more even, without gutting the entire system and forcing teams to abide by a cap. That is a smart idea.

But let's not be naive about the greater point here: the beauty of the EPL is its free-for-all when it comes to wages and contract structures. Without the retarded amount of money being slung around, would we ever see the world's best fighting to play in England?

Without the big money due to salary restraints, the quality of the squads would drop (something really affecting the top tier of teams), the quality of play would drop to something akin to the mind-numbing hoof-ball of Serie A, and the TV revenue would drop because people might take up more traditional weekend pursuits like hiking, camping, and casual sex.

And yet, without the cap, all the good players turn up (don't get me wrong, plenty of crap ones do as well...) to accept the gold bullion of EPL, and thus TV/sponsorship/branding/etc etc etc are all satisfied.

So really, how do we change the system to make it more fair? Is there even a way to do that? You'd imagine such a proposition would never pass, else all the top clubs (funded by loans, mind you) wouldn't have the scratch to hold their teams together.

Fiscal responsibility is important; in the last week, several news stories have cropped up condemning the business practices of the big clubs for their large, unnecessary squad sizes, their financial stability, and so on, and so forth.

Fayed is right about one thing, mind you:

I speak my mind and other chairmen should too. They need to wake up from their coma and join me in this fight with the Premier League and the FA. In fact, they can come and have lunch with me at Harrods, where I can serve them stags' testicles from my Scottish estate, Balnagown. We all need big balls in this business."

It sure would require some balls to make such a staggering, inconceivable change to the EPL. Mind you, would those FA execs really want to munch on deer nuts in order to figure it out?

Oh, and when evaluating his "radical" idea, note that his comments came on the back-end of an emphatic denial about rumours that he is looking to sell the Cottagers. So he might not care after all. Just another millionaire looking to run a bait and switch.

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A modest proposal from UF

Yes, I know the title may be interpreted otherwise, but this is not Jonathan Swift-style satire.


Instead, this is what happens when I misread Arsene Wenger, mash it up with a Rugby Union rule, spend an hour recalculating the EPL table, then realize what I thought I read was not in fact what I read. I flirted with abandoning the whole idea, but then decided to inflict my madness upon you. So now you're stuck.

The idea germinated from this Spoiler post where Arsene Wenger talks about handing out bonus points for scoring goals. As any of you with reading comprehension skills above mine can plainly make out, Wenger wants to reward teams who demolish other teams with extra points in the table instead of just goal difference. Simply put, a win would still be worth three points, but every goal that a team wins by would also be worth a point. Winning by one goal gets you four points, winning by two gets you five and so on.

Of course, as I have already admitted, this is not how I read it. What I saw was Wenger calling for a bonus point system much like the one in Rugby Union. If I recall correctly, in Rugby Union when a team scores five tries in a match (win, lose or draw), they get a bonus point in the standings. When I skimmed what Arsene had said, I though he was calling for a similar system wherein an EPL club scoring three goals in a match gets gets a bonus point. Of course, I was wrong, but that doesn't mean I stopped working on it.

I was possessed. I went to the BBC website to scour through this season's matches to find out who would benefit the most from such a rule change this year. The somewhat surprising answer--Arsenal.

Yes, Wenger's kids--the ones with all of those nil draws around the New Year--would benefit the most if such a rule were put into play today (with the caveat that I may have missed some results). Arsenal have scored three or more goals nine times this season. Liverpool have netted three or more in eight games and Manchester United have managed the feat in seven matches. At the other end of the spectrum, Stoke City have only scored more that two goals in one match, while Middlesbrough have failed to do so at all this season.

And yes, it does change the table, though in some strange ways. Here is the current table (only useful before this weekend). And here is an ugly look (since Blogger doesn't do tables easily) at how the table would look with the UF BONUS POINT.

Pos. Team (Rank change) points; GD
1. Liverpool (+1) 75; +34
2. Man U (-1) 75; +32
3. Chelsea (0) 70
4. Arsenal (0) 67
------------
5. Everton (+1) 57; +13
6. Aston Villa (-1) 57; +6
---------------
7. West Ham (0) 47
8. Man City (+2) 44
9. Fulham (0) 43; +3
10. Wigan (-2) 43; -2
11. Bolton (+1) 43; -9
12. Tottenham (-1) 41
13. Blackburn (+1) 37
14. Stoke (-1) 36; -16
15. Hull (0) 36; -17
16. Portsmouth (0) 35
17. Sunderland (0) 34
------------------
18. Newcastle (0) 31
19. Middlesbrough (0) 27; -24
20. West Brom (0) 27; -31

As you can see, the immediate beneficiaries are the so-called Big 4. Arsenal have now opened up a ten point gap on Everton. No need to worry about just trying to hold on to those Champions League spots now as they are pretty secure. Liverpool have also overtaken Man U, but that's just temporary, right?Also, Everton and Aston Villa have solidified their Europa League spots under the new setup. Manchester City have had the biggest jump of two places, but are still well out of any European slots (unless 7th place sneaks in).

At the other end of the table, there is not much change. Of course, these teams don't hit three goals very often, so that is to be expected. The team that is immediately helped is, oddly, bottom dwellers West Brom. WBA have notched three goals on three different occasions this season. Since 19th placed Middlesbrough are the one team that have not done so, the three point gap between the two is erased. Both teams still need some four-pointers to get out of the relegation spots, though.

I see this as an evolutionary addition to football changing from two points for a win to three. Whereas that rule change got rid of teams almost exclusively playing for a draw, this rule change might see an end to overly defensive play where the idea is to get one goal and hold on. Of course, there is still no cure for such play in knockout phases, but we'll work on that.

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The Bootroom: Sunday... and the Lunchtime Liveblog!

Will he be happy or sad by 2pm?

Mornin' folks!

We've settled on a name for our weekend threads, and we're raring to go. Join us in the bootroom for a couple of hours before we liveblog the living crap out of the Liverpool/Villa game that could really make the title race interesting again should Rafa's gang pull out another mammoth result.

After the euphoria of the last fortnight, it's certainly possible.

In the meantime, we've got Wigan/Hull in the battle of burly northern aesthetes (said sarcastically of course), and then at 11, Citeh attempt to wrangle three points from the visiting Mackems.

So get started early, and then pray for some lunchtime entertainment. There might even be a La Liga liveblog later as well, as we desperately look to paginate at every possible opportunity.

Update: Wigan win 1-0 late, Citeh are busy wasting chances after Sunderland's early red card, and we're almost ready for LFC/Villa. Let's get cracking!

Early Fixtures:
Wigan 1, Hull 0 FULL TIME
Manchester City 0, Sunderland 0 (35 mins)


Liverpool v. Aston Villa
Liverpool: Reina, Arbeloa, Carragher, Skrtel, Aurelio, Mascherano, Alonso, Gerrard, Kuyt, Riera, Torres.
Subs: Cavalieri, Dossena, Hyypia, Agger, Lucas, Ngog, El Zhar.
Aston Villa: Friedel, Reo-Coker, Cuellar, Davies, Luke Young, Milner, Petrov, Barry, Ashley Young, Heskey, Carew.
Subs: Guzan, Agbonlahor, Delfouneso, Knight, Salifou, Shorey, Gardner.
Referee: Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire)

Interesting gamesmanship here. O'Neill starts with the muscular strike pairing of Heskey and Carew, choosing to bench Gabby after his boo'd off performance last week. Will be interesting to see how much of the long ball game they play now that they're starting with two target men.

Meanwhile, Rafa cuts the rotation business and puts out his strongest XI, although it's sorely missing the Super Jew who should be back soon. Xabi Alonso is fit once more, which lifts the midfield immeasurably.

It's time, folks. Anfield is in full song, Keith is watching this in NJ (sorry I couldn't make it out there to watch with the Villa fans! Next time!), and we're all set.

The minute of silence for the late LFC match secretary, Bryce Morrison, is observed perfectly, and Villa kick-off.

1 min: Bright start as Gerrard wins a corner. Aurelio puts it right on Skrtel's head at the near post, and his header is well saved by Friedel, who is also battling the blinding sun in his eyes coming over the top of the stadium. LFC are defending the shadowed half first, and Villa's half is an explosion of sunshine.

3 mins: Better from Villa, as they molest the offside trap well enough. Heskey collects and feeds Milner up top. His strike is deflected behind for a corner, but looked like it was goalbound otherwise. LFC manage to clear. Lively from both teams from the get-go.

4 mins: Wonderful flick on by Torres finds Gerrard in behind Curtis Davies. He cuts inside for a shot, but his touch is poor and Friedel is able to collect. I'm enjoying this so far; both teams playing with pace and purpose, which is how it should be considering how much is on the line today.

6 mins: Wide open stuff so far, end-to-end. Reo-Coker ballses up a tackle on Riera with the winger breathing down his neck in pursuit of a long ball. Free kick for LFC, wide left. Could be a shot on as Gerrard and Aurelio hover.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and a brilliant set piece! Gerrard puts a glorious ball in from the set piece, Alonso heads it onto the bar, and Dirk Kuyt reacts first to the rebound and drills it home between Friedel's legs. A wonderful start. Get in, lads, and they're not letting up. More attacks come. I am happy. Liverpool 1, Aston Villa 0

9 mins: After LFC go close again with Gerrard at the near post, Villa have a glorious chance to level. A cross from the left finds Gaz Baz all alone in the box, and he shins it well over the bar. He was unmarked and could have controlled it, but alas, it's a wasted effort.

10 mins: LFC open up Villa again, this time down the right with Arbeloa. He hangs onto it too long at the edge of the box and his through-ball for Gerrard ends up out for a goal-kick.

Anfield in full song at the moment, and things are happening so thick and fast I can barely keep up with the typing. This is how the EPL should be.

12 mins: LFC threaten again as Mascherano intercepts a lazy clearance, but he can't do anything with it. Villa break, but Skrtel tidies up neatly at the back as Ashley Young sprinted for the long ball.

I haven't seen my club play like this for quite some time. Funny what a difference three or four games can make.

15 mins: Villa aren't taking this lying down. A lovely bit of play down the right ends with Milner putting a beautiful low cross along the edge of the 6-yard box. Carew is lurking, but Carragher gets there first.

Almost 2-0! A glorious ball to Riera out left, he gets outside Reo-Coker and his deflected cross misses everyone but Gerrard at the far post. Unmarked, he can't control his toe-poke and it screws wide of the post. They need a second, and soon.

17 mins: The pace is slowing a little, but Liverpool are enjoying the better of the midfield, especially with Gerrard, who is all over the pitch at the moment.

Liverpool win a corner off Riera's deflected cross, but Villa do well to force them back to halfway, eventually winning the throw-in as Aurelio knocks it out under pressure from Reo-Coker.

19 mins: Tons of room for Kuyt up the middle, but instead of shooting, he lays off a weak ball wide to Arbeloa and Curtis Davies is there to pick it off.

Milner again with the dangerous cross from the right, but Carew can't get there in time and Reina smothers it dead. Aston Villa are showing some signs of life, making that 2nd goal all the more vital.

20 mins: Liverpool are living dangerously, pouring forward in numbers and giving Villa plenty of room to counter. Reo-Coker is the latest recipient of this space, getting wide right and putting a lovely ball in for Heskey at the far post, but Carragher heads it clear off-balance and LFC breathe again.

Less than a minute later, Petrov forces a nice reaction save from Reina at the near post with his flick-on. Absolutely wonderful game so far.

22 mins: Reina comes out a mile to punch clear another dangerous cross with Heskey and Carew threatening.

Gerrard gets himself a yellow card, lunging in late on Davies who beats the Liverpool captain to the loose ball wide on the right. Seems a bit harsh as it's really the first foul of the match, but on replay, he does get a good chunk of the defender's ankle.

24 mins: Just as Villa appear to be wresting some control of the midfield, Liverpool break down the right. Arbeloa somehow gets the ball past Davies' sliding challenge, and he finds Torres in space at the top of the box. The Spaniard's shot is unusually soft, and Friedel is thankful for that one. Danger over.

25 mins: Did I say something pre-game about the long-ball gameplan? Well, it almost pays off for Villa -- Reo-Coker launches a high, looping free kick into the box, and Carew's flick-on seems destined for the bottom corner, until Reina dives brilliantly to his left at full stretch to paw it out. Ashley Young can't bury the rebound as Reina saves with his legs. Wonderful double-effort from Pepe Reina to keep the score 1-0.

27 mins: Yep, Villa are right back in this one. Normally, going down 1-0 early away from home to a good team is enough to take the wind right out, but they're shown no signs of lying down. Milner is having the game of his life on the right wing, and the aerial battle between Heskey/Carew and Carragher/Skrtel will be fun to watch for the next hour.

29 mins: Torres is having trouble asserting himself up front, failing to control another ball into his feet from Dirk Kuyt. Give it time, Fernando...

Gerrard has room to move forward as Liverpool break, but his through-ball for Torres was a bit too ambitious and it rolls all the way to Friedel. To be honest, I have no clue how that would have worked: Torres and three Villa defenders, and he tries to play him round the back? At least the confidence is there!

31 mins: Milner tries to run through two defenders to no avail, and Liverpool break. Sloppy from Gerrard in the middle, and the move breaks down.

Riera spins Reo-Coker inside and out, but his cross to the far post finds nobody in red. Shame, really.

33 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and what a slice of fried luck that is. Villa, having had the run of the last quarter-hour, fall asleep at the back. Reina's long clearance is allowed to bounce several times, and Riera and Torres both get up the middle in pursuit. Albert Riera, under pressure, fires a stunning first-time volley with his left foot, crashing it off the underside of the bar and leaving Friedel helpless. An absolutely phenomenal goal. Liverpool 2, Aston Villa 0

35 mins: Villa are having a crisis of confidence now after that wonder goal-that-should-never-have-been-allowed-to-happen. Gerrard gets it 20 yards out and fires a lovely shot just wide of the post. Then, seconds later, Friedel bottles his clearance, putting it right at Arbeloa's feet. One-on-one, the right-back takes the unselfish approach and squares it for Torres, but Davies is there to scramble it clear. Could have been 3-0 easily if Arbeloa had taken a shot. Nervy times for Villa.

For those who didn't see the 2nd goal, think Keane's wonder strike against Arsenal, but done from the left-hand side with the left foot. As sweet a first-time shot on the volley as you'll ever see.

38 mins: Villa have a chance to get right back in it via a looping free-kick from the left wing, but it's wasted.

39 mins: PENALTY TO LIVERPOOL
GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL... and this is why you don't play Reo-Coker at right-back. Another gorgeous, searching pass finds Riera in acres of space out wide. He runs right at poor Nigel, who hauls him down clumsily in the box. Clear, obvious shout. Steven Gerrard sends Friedel the wrong way, and we can perhaps, maybe, quite possibly, close the book on this one. The Kop is in fine form with the songbook. Liverpool 3, Aston Villa 0

41 mins: Now, bodies are dropping quickly as Villa are guilty of two late challenges. Luke Young slides through Mascherano and gets a yellow card. He's not happy about it, and neither is Gaz Baz who gets a yellow for mouthing-off at the ref. Then I think Petrov catches Riera late, but it was more accidental. No card.

Villa are unlucky as they've had some great chances in the first half, but full credit to the Reds for taking their few and far-between chances to completely bury this game.

44 mins: Carew does well under pressure from Skrtel to hold up possession and feed Milner wide, but this time the cross is poor and drifts over everyone.

Lovely cross-field pass from Riera finds Kuyt wide right, and he wins a corner off Davies' chest.

45 mins + 1: As the commentators are saying, when should LFC begin to think about goal difference?

Villa float a free kick hopefully into the box, but Reina is there to gather and that's it.

HALF TIME: Liverpool 3, Aston Villa 0
Must admit, that even in my most jingoistic thoughts of my team's fortunes today, I'd never have dreamt up this scenario. Simply brilliant stuff, especially when you consider that Villa controlled the middle 20 minutes from the midfield and had several strong scoring chances. Liverpool, playing on the break for the most part, have been clinical in their finishing and ruthless in the tackle.

I think we can say that the title race is back on, folks.

Life as a Liverpool fan, in the last months:
- Draw 1-1 at home to Citeh, a team with one of the worst away records in the league (oh, and we had to come from behind)
- Lose 2-0 at relegation-threatened Middlesbrough
- Beat Sunderland 2-0
- Beat 4-1 at Old Trafford, our biggest away win over United since 1936
- Beat Real Madrid 5-0 on aggregate in the Champions League
- Up 3-0 at half-time to Aston Villa, a team chasing 4th Place.

These are the things we endure. The soap-opera/Disney sports movie-esque season continues.

Thoughts for the second half? If you're Rafa, do you keep pressing, or do you sit back? Villa are clearly capable of goals.

And we're off again. As TFA intoned in the comments, LFC and United are now even on goal difference.

Torres and Gerrard have both been so-so today, and yet we're up 3-0. Don't quite understand it all, really.

Agbonlahor is warming up on the sidelines, and no changes at half-time for either side.

47 mins: Milner, easily Villa's biggest threat so far, tries to get around Aurelio on the wing, but the Brazilian is equal to it and shepherds the ball out for a goal kick.

49 mins: Lovely bit of skill from Kuyt, turning around Davies and sprinting toward goal, where he's eventually tripped by Cuellar. Dangerous position. Free kick on the edge of the box. Xabi and Stevie G hover over it...

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and Gerrard kept his cool there with a lovely finish. After the wall has to be reset several times, Steven Gerrard literally sidefoots it from 18 yards, and Friedel sees it late with no chance to save it. Tucked perfectly inside the post, and the rout is on. For those who shit on Gerrard, note that it's his 20th goal of the season. Not bad for a central midfielder. Liverpool 4, Aston Villa 0

Three games in a row where LFC have reached 4 goals. When will this run end?

To reiterate: that was a sidefooted free-kick from 20-odd yards for a goal. Glorious finish.

53 mins: Heskey does well to beat Carragher to the header from Milner's cross, but it's straight at Reina.

This is setting up to be quite a sleepy second half considering the score. I'm alright with that, considering the chest-tightening anxiety LFC normally cause me. Not in recent weeks though.

57 mins: Another lovely move from Liverpool as the space is everywhere to be exploited. Kuyt sets up on the right wing, meanders in and squares for Alonso, who shoots well wide of the post from the edge of the box.

Sub for Aston Villa: Heskey makes way for Agbonlahor.

60 mins: The pace has understandably slowed. Kuyt almost released Alonso through on goal, but Cuellar was there. Villa attack a bit down the left with Gaz Baz trying his hardest, but Skrtel is in control.

61 mins: Welcome to the game, Gabby. His first action is to foul Skrtel as the two chase a long ball down the right. He's only scored once in his last 16 after the hot start to the season.

What do you think Fergie is thinking at the moment? Think he's finally allowing himself to be worried?

64 mins: PENALTY TO LIVERPOOL
Torres skips behind Reo-Coker and Friedel stands his ground as the striker sprints through on goal. Nowhere for Friedel to go, and Torres tumbles down. Ref gives a red card, very unfairly, but the penalty is legitimate.

Brad Guzan hurries himself into action for his EPL debut, although surely not under the ideal circumstances.

Anfield applauds Friedel as he exits, and rightly so. The law may dictate that a goalie foul is an instant red, but nevertheless, they need some common sense.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL Steven Gerrard steps up and sends Guzan the wrong way to complete his hat-trick. Liverpool 5, Aston Villa 0

And promptly, it's subs time, as Lucas replaces Xabi Alonso.

67 mins: Villa win a corner off Carragher, but Gaz Baz squanders the delivery.

To summarize: yes, it was a PK as Friedel definitely impeded Torres, Shouldn't have been a red though, as Friedel merely stood his ground. It's not like he could have vanished into thin air, as the color commentator inferred.

Rough times for Villa. Let's hope Friedel wins an appeal so he can face Manchester United.

69 mins: A lovely run by Riera down the left, cutting it back from the touchline for Lucas, whose low shot is just wide of the post. Guzan would have saved that, I reckon.

While the red card was uncalled-for, make no mistake: this has been a superb performance by Liverpool today. Even with a misfiring Spanish striker, they're 5 goals up on a very good team. Sadly, for momentum's sake, the international break is coming at the absolute wrong time.

The Villa fans, quiet as they may be, do find enough volume to sing "We're going to win 6-5" when Lucas entered proceedings.

73 mins: Skrtel could have made it 6-0 as the corner lands to his feet unmarked at the back post, but his off-target volley shows why he's a defender.

Liverpool begin showing off a bit around the Villa area, which might seem a bit poor in the sportsmanship stakes, but if you're Martin O'Neill, would you rather them try some stepovers or keep pushing for more goals? Riera has been superb down the left, and has nothing but space every time he gets forward.

75 mins: Gerrard can't find Torres with a long, raking ball downfield, but who cares? The home side are up 5-0!

Here comes Daniel Agger, the man who's apparently so pissed about his lack of playing time that he wants to move to Italy. Honestly, with the team playing like this, why leave? Juventus are shit, and LFC are rolling. He replaces Arbeloa. Does this mean Carragher is moving to right-back, the position no-one else wants to play?

77 mins: Torres does well under pressure to hold possession in the Villa area, and after a sharp turn, it bobbles up to Cuellar, who clearly uses his right arm to control the ball before hoofing it downfield. If it was a 0-0 game, I'd be screaming for the penalty, but any more PK decisions, no matter how justified, just seem mean at this point.

78 mins: Villa still pushing forward for something, and they do deserve something from this one, but Mascherano is there to intercept the cut-back.

Gerrard breaks up midfield from Reina's long-throw, but he can't find Torres in traffic. Funny how completely out-of-sync they look today.

Another corner for Villa, but Barry puts it right into Reina's hands at the back post.

Final sub for LFC: David N'gog will have a n'go up front, and Gerrard rightly gets his standing ovation for his performance today.

84 mins: Agger has a run but his through-ball to Torres finds the Spaniard offside. Both teams are just waiting for the whistle at this point. Kuyt shows signs of sustained brightness down the right even late on, but as usual, his touch is as heavy as ever.

Skrtel fouls Agbonlahor some 30 yards out as Gabby stretches his legs, and the ref's whistle brings a hearty cheer from the visiting fans. Villa try some trickery from the free kick instead of shooting, and LFC clear.

86 mins: Ashley Young's not had a good day. This mazy run down the left concludes with an awful shanked cross that booms high over the bar.

SWEET, SWEET PAGINATION. Well done, you commenting superheroes!

88 mins: Gaz Baz wastes another corner, putting it once more in Reina's gloves as if it were guided by magnets.

Martin O'Neill readies a sub, and you have to wonder how Villa will rebound from his one. As they say on the telly, they've not won in their last 8, being knocked out of the FA Cup and UEFA Cup. John Carew, one of the few bright spots for Villa today, is replaced by someone whose name I missed.

Meanwhile, you wonder if they'd have some confidence knowing that they didn't purposefully tank their UEFA Cup run to focus on the league. Looking at recent events, it's safe to say all their ploys have backfired.

90 mins: Please, blow the whistle soon, for everyone's sake. Anfield is singing like they won something. Three minutes of added time to come, and you can bet they will be incident-free. Craig Gardner was the sub for Carew, by the way.

90 mins + 2: Well done, Mr. Gardner, you've earned a silly yellow card. He has a run up the middle but his touch lets him down, and for good measure, he follows through late on Agger after the Dane's clearance.

90 mins + 2: Gabby and Ashley link up down the left, and Young has a crack from distance. It's always drifting somewhat wide, but Reina flops on it just to make sure.

FULL TIME: Liverpool 5, Aston Villa 0
For a game that was so evenly poised after half an hour, what a result for the Reds!

A tough day for Villa in what's fast becoming a tough month. They've given up 4th place to a resurgent Arsenal side, and no matter what they do, whether it be trips to Dubai or MO'N team talks, they've really lost the plot in the league, and games like this one don't help.
When you have such a thin squad with which to compete in the EPL, it's no wonder, but they did boss the tempo for most of the first half and still went in at the whistle down three goals.

Meanwhile, LFC go into the international break with serious momentum. One point back (though United have a game in hand), and goals raining in from all parts of the pitch.

A simply brilliant performance, beyond anyone's wildest predictions (although GeneralGametime did predict LFC would score 5, so well done there), and Ferguson must be feeling rather uneasy. The fortnight away from the league should help them galvanize, but make no mistake: Liverpool just showed that this race is far from dead.


Thanks for playing along everyone; in our greed and hunger for comments, we've outdone ourselves once again. Maybe we'll liveblog again later for some La Liga, or even that MLS evening game, but for now, I must go enjoy the sunshine.

Read more on "The Bootroom: Sunday... and the Lunchtime Liveblog!"...

FA Cup/EPL Open Thread: Tangled Up in Blues

Spot the selfish, whiny one

Only three games today, and none worth that much coverage (sorry, Spartak fans). That game's a bit dire so far, with Spartak holding a 1-0 lead at half-time. Where is this Coventry team we saw play with gusto and style at Carrow Road last weekend? Oh, that's right, their best player, the left-back Dan Fox, isn't playing.

Meanwhile, Essien's on the bench, meaning he's about a week away from being that bulldog in defensive midfield again, much to the chagrin of any team still left to travel to Stamford Bridge.

We might well liveblog some La Liga later on in the form of the Madrid Derby, but for now, this is it. Gripe about Spurs, or offer your prayers for a home win at Craven Cottage.

Whatever you do, come cupset with us after the jump.

FA Cup Fixtures:
Coventry 0, Spartak London 1 (half-time)
Fulham v. Manchester United (12.30pm kick-off)

EPL's Sole Release:
Sunderland v. Tottenham (10am kick-off)

And a massive match for the Canaries, who travel to Blackpool today for a legitimate six-pointer. COME ON, NORWICH!

Read more on "FA Cup/EPL Open Thread: Tangled Up in Blues"...

EPL Liveblog: Hull City v. Tottenham Hotspur

Sorry Likely Lad... Spurs' Glory Days are just as far back in history

Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? Why do we continually subject our souls to this pain and suffering?

I'm not talking about the dismal weekend that just passed, aka "The Weekend the EPL Died", but the unenviable task of liveblogging a game between two teams about as attractive as Dirk Kuyt, and about as successful too.

It's the Battle of 13th vs. 16th!

Why do all signs point to this being awful? Well, Hull have lost 6 of their last 9 in the EPL (the other 3 games being draws, one of which was probably against Liverpool), and it's becoming increasingly difficult to remember the halcyon days of late October, when Hull were perched in 3rd place having accumulated 20 of their 29 points. Since then? 9 points from a possible 48.

Meanwhile, Spurs are sitting on pillows after the "Rape at Donetsk" and 'Arry tinkers with the lineup ahead of the Carling Cup Final on Sunday. Oh, and they've only managed 1 EPL win in their last 9.

I fear the worst.

Join me after the jump for tons of words describing the eye-bleeding nightmare from the KC Stadium. Here's hoping Spurs find some form before trying to topple Sir Alex Ferguson's Quintuple-Chasing Jenga.

Starting Lineups:
--
Hull City, in a "park the bus" 4-4-2: Duke, Ricketts, Turner, Gardner, Dawson, Marney, Ashbee, Zayatte, Kilbane, Garcia, Cousin.

Subs: Myhill, Doyle, Barmby, Geovanni, Halmosi, Manucho, Mendy.

Tottenham, in some kind of attacky, diamond 4-4-2, maybe: Cudicini, Corluka, Woodgate, King, Assou-Ekotto, Lennon, Jenas, Palacios, Modric, Keane, Bent.
Subs: Gomes, Zokora, Bentley, Huddlestone, Pavlyuchenko, Dawson, Chimbonda.

Referee: Lee Probert

Spurs are mired in rotations, so Keane and Bent will have a crack up-front while Gomes gets some rest ahead of Sunday, presumably because picking the ball out of the net 4-5 times against United will prove quite energy-sapping.

Hull, meanwhile, have dropped Geovanni and Mendy to the bench (why, I'm not quite sure; they're two of Hull's best players) and brought in Kevin "The Human Mule" Kilbane and Ian Ashbee, presumably to kick lumps out of Luka's legs while holding down the midfield.

We're almost ready for kickoff... Phil is right to feel dread. After all, Hull's PA system is playing that ominous song by Fatboy Slim/DJ Shadow/RJD2 (I forget who it is... sad, I know) that gets all the Northerners reet fired up for a good evenin' out.

Big Sam is in attendance, presumably with a few Sudoku puzzles tucked in his pocket for the dull moments when he's not scouting Blackburn's next EPL opponent.

And there's Robbie Keane with the armband, trying to get the lads fired up in the tunnel. And a Nick Barmby sighting!

As the teams spill out, I think I hear that dreadful song by one-hit "wonders" (and I use the term loosely) Republica. It's hard to find a worse song than that one. Really.

For further proof, consult the video:



Nevermind that, we're ready for kick-off!

1 min: Hull kick off, and immediately hoof it forward. Why am I not surprised?

3 mins: There's Bernard Mendy, warming up after arriving late (thanks, Ibra). Hull win their first corner, which Andy Dawson readies to take...

... and it coulda-woulda-shoulda been 1-0 Tigers! An unmarked header for Richard Garcia in the thick of the six-yard box, but he puts it off-target and despite good work by Gardner to keep it in, the chance is gone.

6 mins: Sam Ricketts does his best Jose Bosingwa impression, sprinting free down the right but failing to do anything with the possession. Spurs clean it up, and then Andy Dawson comes in late on Aaron Lennon, but gets no card.

8 mins: Nevermind, as Dawson gets his card barely a minute later, needlessly shoving Lennon to the floor after he beats him inside for pace. Spurs now have 82 minutes to get Dawson sent off, as he's clearly up for it.

10 mins: Some pressure for Spurs, with their second corner in quick succession. Modric ruined the first one, so he'll try again. It's cleared easily by Kamil Zayatte.

Palacios and Zayatte clash heads, and both appear to be a little dazed. Sorry lads, you're not hallucinating or concussed: you are actually playing in a Hull v. Spurs match on a Monday night.

12 mins: Hull are camping down at Tottenham's end with some good pressure. Corluka gives up a couple of throw-ins, and then concedes a corner under pressure from Cousin. LFC should buy Ricketts, because he is a full-back who appears to be able to cross the ball. Jenas heads over his own bar for the 3rd Hull corner already. Dawson takes, and Woodgate nods it away.

16 mins: Communication Breakdown, it's always the saaaaaaame.... especially when you're Spurs. A speculative long ball by Ricketts brings Cudicini off his line to collect, but Jonathan Woodgate has other ideas! He flicks it back to his keeper but it ends up flying past Carlo's shoulder and slowly towards goal. Luckily for Wooders, Cudicini gets back just in time to stop it going in.

Good spell of pressure for Hull, and Spurs don't appear that capable of stopping them. I repeat: Phil, you were right to be worried.

16 mins: Hull have a couple of shots at goal, to no avail. Spurs break down the other end via Darren Bent, but Gardner tackles him perfectly in the box and concedes a corner.

Modric to take...

... GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and that takes the pressure off, doesn't it? Some dreadful, dreadful defending from the short corner catches Hull out. Modric plays it short to Aaron Lennon standing all alone at the top of the box, and no-one closes him down. He controls and shoots, curling it inside the left post with only Ian Ashbee making the effort to stop him. Pathetic effort at the back by Hull. Hull City 0, Tottenham Hotspur 1

18 mins: Hull come close to equalizing immediately! Zayatte gets through on goal, miraculously, burning past Corluka, but his touch on the ball is lead-footed and Cudicini slide-tackles the ball to safety.

20 mins: The Tigers aren't entirely done yet, but Ashbee's lucky to escape a yellow card with a cynical late tackle on Keane when it looked like Hull's defense was beaten yet again. If Ashbee doesn't trip Robbie, then Darren Bent is 1-on-1 with the goalie. Having said that, there's no guarantee that Bent would finish even with those good odds.

23 mins: Saying the game had become "scrappy" would be an understatement. Darren Bent thinks he's won another corner, but the ref says it's a throw. It was obviously a corner, for those keeping score at home. That's how unexciting things are at the moment.

The last 5 minutes, in bullet-point:

- throw-in
- throw-in
- corner
- tackle
- free-kick
- throw-in
- sideways passing
- complete and utter boredom

26 mins: Ugly stuff. Hull get a move going with a long ball to Cousin. He holds it up and gives it to Ricketts wide. His cross is ballooning a mile away from goal, but Corluka decides to thigh it behind for a corner, just to make sure. They waste that one, but then win another corner as Ashbee's cross gets deflected behind...

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, Michael Turner. It all comes back to that needless corner conceded by Corluka. The theme of the day is "absolutely woeful defending".

On corner #2, Cudicini shows why he's better off collecting paychecks on the bench for the better part of a decade, coming to collect the corner but muffing it miserably. It takes a knock towards goal, and Turner bundles it in. Is it just me, or should Spurs spend 50 million pounds on Iker Casillas? Nevermind, it wouldn't make a lick of difference. I'm beginning to think there's a curse on Spurs goalkeepers. Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 1

Definitely one of the worst goals you'll see all season.

28 mins: Danny Cousin attempts to atone for the ugly goal by ripping a wicked shot from 20-odd yards, but it's narrowly wide of the post. Good effort.

30 mins: Another corner for Spurs. Modric delivers right in the danger area, but Woodgate's flick lands at Ledley King's feet. From 8 yards out, he does what you'd expect him to do: spoon it over the bar.

33 mins: Hull with more good pressure. I'd put money on 'em scoring again before Spurs do. The last 10 minutes have seen Hotspur playing headless chickens while Hull try to grit, spirit and hustle the ball into the net.

Dean Marney lofts a cross to the back post, but Garcia can only half-volley it wide.

'Arry looks livid on the sidelines. I don't think he's happy with his squad. AGAIN. Expect the post-game chatter to involve him eviscerating the old boss for the players he's now forced to work with.

37 mins: Spurs' midfield has become as effective as wet toilet paper. Palacios loses possession and Hull break with Garcia, but his through-ball to Cousin was too heavy, not that it mattered; Danny C was a mile offside.

Spurs have subs warming up already. Both Dawson and Pavlyuchenko have been forced to jog and tip-toe down the sideline. Will we see the rare sub before half-time that isn't due to injury?

39 mins: THERE! I SEE ROBBIE KEANE WITH BALL AT HIS FEET! He gives it to Aaron Lennon, presumably so he doesn't have to do anything, and Lennon wins a corner. Modric tries it short again as the Tigers only send one out to defend, but it is cleared rather easily. Don't bring that weak cross action into Michael Turner's house.

40 mins: Ahh, a shame, that. Hull with another great move, cued by another good, strong run by Sam Ricketts. He played Marney free wide on the right and continued his run, meeting Marney's cross in the middle but it was just an inch too high for him. His free, open header ends up wide of Cudicini's goal.

42 mins: Ian Ashbee shows why he's the Hull captain, lumbering into Modric's stomach/forehead with his boot and getting a yellow card for his neanderthal challenge. Spurs put the free-kick deep, but Keane-o is offside. Whoops, Robbie.

44 mins: It's all rather frantic in the midfield as Hull throw themselves at the ball with every opportunity, breaking up the middle yet again with Kevin Kilbane. Modric trips him for no apparent reason (Kilbane was all alone moving forward), and gets himself a yellow card. Dean Marney and co. stand over the ball, 30 yards out, ready to take.

Andy Dawson takes it with his left foot and bends it high and wide over the top.

2 minutes to be added on... I wish it weren't true.

45 mins + 1: Robbie Keane is whistled for a foul in the Hull area, much to his amazement. That spell at Liverpool has done wonders for his confidence.

Darren Bent is then caught offside in pursuit of a long ball, surely meaning the end of this first half. I really hope it is the end.

HALF TIME: Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 1
Not the worst match I've ever seen, but it's coming close. The Tigers are running rampant in midfield, but only have that one bundled goal to show for it. Meanwhile, Robbie Keane and Darren Bent have shown themselves to be complete and utter shit.

To illustrate, another song from the melodically-challenged band, Republica:



The combination of that needless techno beat, mixed with those lazy pop-rock guitars, makes me want to murder Lucas Leiva Andrea Dossena someone.

And we are back.

48 mins: Spurs win a corner off Turner and take it short to Lennon, but he wastes it. It's cleared as far as Jenas, and he does more than he's done all day, skipping past one challenge and crossing from the byline, but Zayatte heads it out for a corner.

Spurs try the same trick, taking it short to Jenas who's standing much where Lennon was when he scored, but it amounts to nothing. Still, Hull fail to clear, and Bent forces a decent save with a low volley.

The Tigers counter and win a corner of their own, the 13th corner of the game.

Cudicini makes a mess of it again, and it drops to Kilbane who shoots on the turn, blocked at the last second by Lennon.

51 mins: But wait, another Spurs corner! Zayatte clears it without too much trouble.

52 mins: It's all happening now! The corner is cleared as far as Robbie Keane. The Irishman dribbles to the edge of the box and cuts it back for Palacios, and his volley is blocked by Antony Gardner. The defender didn't know much about that, considering the speed on the shot... surely a goal if Gardner's chest didn't absorb that one...

... and it's another Spurs corner. It's cleared after Jenas fluffs his shot, but it comes to Modric, who dribbles past Turner but takes one too many touches and puts his cross/shot over the bar. Goal kick Hull, and a temporary lull in the flurry of corner kicks.

55 mins: Duke shanks a backpass right to Robbie Keane, and in trying to lob the keeper, he chips it 10 yards wide of the post. Not good, Robbie. I wonder which of 'Arry's relatives could have scored that. His nan? his aunt?

It's all Spurs thus-far in the second half, which inevitably means they'll concede a goal shortly.

57 mins: Lennon has a chance to run straight at the Hull defense, but he takes a touch too many and feeds Bent wide, but Bent's pull-back is smothered by the goalie.

Then, at the other end, Cudicini tries to mess up a decent cross from Dean Marney, not catching it but punching it down into the turf right in front of Cousin before collecting it on the bounce.

Another Spurs corner! I cannot keep up. Modric wastes it.

59 mins: Darren Bent can't control the long ball, and the video cuts to a crimson-faced 'Arry on the touchline, gesticulating wildly and yelling to anyone who will listen.

Hull win a corner off Ledley King, and it's Marney to take from the left...

... Cudicini bitch-slaps it to safety, and when Ricketts floats it back in, Gardner is a mile offside and the danger disappears.

Spurs break with Lennon in the middle, and Palacios wins ANOTHER CORNER when his weak cross is deflected behind. Don't worry Tigers fans... Modric wastes it.

It's alright though, as they win another f*cking corner off Sam Rickett's back. Modric puts it to the back post, where Darren Bent fouls in the air. Dismal. By my count, 22 corners thus far?

63 mins: Nothing of note happening. Just more wasted corners and long throw-ins. Spurs do at least have some stability in the midfield so far in the second half, but they're doing as much with it as Hull, that is to say, nothing.

Dear oh dear, Aaron. With a good, quick attack, Lennon cuts it back to the top of the box, where it finds Ian Ashbee. Hull break down the left with Dean Marney, but Kilbane puts the header into the side netting from close range.

66 mins: Lennon is bundled down 25 yards out, and Modric actually delivers a good cross. He floats it onto Corluka's noggin, but his free header skims off the top of the bar. Nice work by the Croat duo.

Phil Brown takes a second to make a substitution, removing Daniel Cousin in favour of Bernard "Tardy" Mendy. Here comes the 4-5-1, folks...

70 mins: It's become very sloppy. A few fouls, a throw-in here and there. Robbie Keane just lost possession in the Hull area while trying to make room to shoot, and Pavlyuchenko is ready to enter the fray at the next stoppage.

But who will he replace? Bent, or Keane? Which storyline will the press harp on endlessly in response?

72 mins: Yep, and it's Dazza Bent. An utterly crap game by the No. 10, and here comes a Spurs striker lacking in confidence to replace a Spurs striker lacking in confidence. The other Spurs striker lacking in confidence is still on the pitch, while the only Spurs striker with confidence continues to rehab his injury. Hilarious, really.

74 mins: Corner to Hull, after great defending by Ledley King to deny Marney some room.

It's corner #20, so I was wrong earlier.

Mendy fouls Palacios, apparently, although it looked like the Spurs midfielder wrapped himself around Bernard's legs first. That said, it doesn't matter. The long ball to Pavs is a waste, as the Russian is offside.

Discussion Question:
Which Russian striker will have more of an impact in the EPL over time? Arshavin, or Pavlyuchenko?

76 mins: Corner #21, this one for the home side. What will they do with this one? Andy Dawson to take...

... so close!! Kamil Zayatte has a free header, and puts hit off the far post with Cudicini beaten. Hull have Corner #22 immediately, but Zayatte puts that free header agonizingly wide.

Darren Bent is on the bench icing the side of his head, presumably to soothe the perforated eardrum he just received from a furious 'Arry. The cold stops the bleeding, apparently.

79 mins: Hull make another substitution, bringing off an exhausted Dicky Garcia and putting Manucho on for the final 10 minutes.

80 mins: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzHull caught offsidezzzzzzzzzzz

Tonight's attendance was almost 25,000. I am amazed.

Mendy's offside again, and the vein in Phil Brown's temple begins to bulge ominously. He's not happy, and neither am I... this game has been rubbish since half-time.

82 mins: Dean Marney has time and space to run and shoot, but it's blocked by Woodgate for a throw-in.

Andy Dawson has a head injury, as he dared to clash with the mighty Pavlyuchenko. He looks alright, however. It's the rest of us that are worse for wear.

85 mins: Pressure for Spurs, as Duke slices his clearance out for a throw-in. Jenas has a shot, but Gardner gives up another corner.

Modric to take short to Lennon...

... and GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL. The most undeserved goal in the history of anything ever. The corner is bungled, as one might expect, but Assou-Ekotto picks up the pieces, loses his marker on the left wing, and floats in a wonderful cross that Jonathan Woodgate powers in at the far post. Not much Hull's backline could do about that, but shit... the law of averages would dictate that after some 14-odd corners, you'd get one right. Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 2

Phil Brown puts on Giovanni to replace Zayatte, as a desperate late move.

'Arry puts Zokora on to protect the lead, removing Aaron Lennon.

88 mins: Woodgate cannot stop putting his head on things! After meeting that BAE cross a minute ago, he puts his head on Corluka's elbow and splits his eyebrow open. Claret spilled everywhere! 'Arry brings him off and gives Michael Dawson a run-out, against his brother. What intrigue!

90 mins: Cudicini does well under a cross for once, leaping and holding onto the ball under pressure from Marney.

4 minutes of added time, and if the result holds, a cruel twist of fate for a Hull side that looked good value for at least a point.

90 mins + 2: CORNER FOR HULL. Can they steal an equalizer?

The cross is met by Cudicini's fist, but Spurs can't scramble it too far from goal and Robbie Keane gives up a throw-in deep at the Spurs end.

It's cleared to Andy Dawson, but he puts a cross out for a Spurs goalkick. D'oh.

90 mins + 3: This is it, folks! 70 seconds from victory for a crap Spurs team that'll have trouble keeping the score under double digits on Sunday. I will be sure to report back, as I'll actually be at that game. Should be good.

A long ball into the Spurs box is flicked on as far as Geovanni, but he can't meet the flick and Cudicini collects.

FULL TIME: Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 2
A rubbish game of football, but Spurs get a win thanks to Woodgate's forehead. The home crowd boo and hiss, while 'Arry and his limp-wristed lads climb up to 14th.

The winless streak for the Tigers continues, and Spurs are now 5 points clear of the drop. I'm not entirely convinced they'll avoid it, but this massive away win will help.

I'm off to bathe in chloroform to get the stink off. I feel dirty for having watched that. Thanks for playing along in the comments!

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