Not Good. Not Good At All.

Normally when we see death in soccer, it comes in one of three forms: fan suicide, a player killed for doing poorly, or players dying on the pitch during a game. No death is palatable or pleasurable to hear about, and this story commingled with soccer is way off the radar.

The Nigerian Premier League title was won over the weekend by Bayelsa United, who clinched the trophy with a 2-2 draw, and captain Abiel Tabor was an integral part of their winning season.

On his way to visit family hours after the victory, Tabor's car was intercepted by armed robbers, and he was shot and killed.

"We were told he was (killed) by the armed robbers close to Warri," said the club assistant, Ebi Ayah, and it's unsure whether it had anything to do with his club allegiance (the 2-2 draw was with the local team, the Warri Wolves), but any way you slice it, this is fucking sad, depressing awful news.

The Niger Delta is overrun with violent crime as gangs seek to get their fair share of the country's resources, and this is the end result, roaming criminal gangs robbing people and hijacking cars along major highways.

And so Bayelsa is without their 24-year-old captain, his family is without their husband/brother/father, and for nothing. Heartbreaking stuff.

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Quick Throw: Scottish Tragedy

Scottish Football Club Dumbarton F.C. suffered a great loss over the weekend as its skipper, Gordon Lennon, was killed in an off-road crash. Lennon had just led Dumbarton to promotion to the Second Division.

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Geordie Requiem

Allow me to interrupt the CL festivities for a tardy farewell to the Fog on the Tyne


So, the EPL loses one of the institutions, one of its loudest, most colorful teams from the North of England. Do I feel bad or sorry for them? Not especially. If I'm honest, I'm rather non-plussed. For Newcastle, the writing's been on the wall for quite some time.

I watched their fish-out-of-water performance on Sunday, in disbelief that their limp effort was that of a team fighting and clawing for its survival in the world's best and most lucrative soccer league.

After the first 20-25 minutes that yielded a handful of gilt-edged chances (wasted time and again by Martins and Viduka), Newcastle retreated within themselves like an old crab. Once Villa took the lead on a freakish deflected goal (incidentally, it came off the heel of their most hard-working player in 2008/09), I felt compelled to pull a trick from the Tuesday Morning Quarterback School of Exposition and thus, I wrote "game over" in my notebook.

They were painfully bereft of invention, sustenance or spirit for a team so well supported and seemingly willed across the finish line by Alan Shearer and Iain Dowie, the pair of highly-touted guidance counselors who managed 1 win their 8 games in charge.

Before that clueless duo, it was Joe Kinnear, a man whose managerial nous was forged in the fires of the 1980s, and yet, the task of keeping Newcastle afloat was literally too much for his heart. Caretakers came and went, but a good deal of blame must be laid at the feet of Kevin Keegan, a man so well-known for his toughness on the pitch and now equally well-known for his timidity and fragility off it.

And the team? 15 players making more than 50,000 pounds a week, and none of them worth it. This list tells the tale, and I don't disagree; just look at some of the names and wages!

Michael Owen hasn't been worth 105,000 pounds since his single season at Real Madrid, while the rest of 'em are somehow still trading on good form from many seasons ago to get a good contract: Viduka, Alan Smith, Geremi, and Kevin Nolan.

And then you look at the riskier buys that all failed -- Coloccini, Cacapa, Xisco, Jose Enrique -- and you're not left with much worth keeping. The Magpies will need to completely overhaul their squad if they're to have any chance of competing.

Who ultimately gets the blame? Not the players, nor the procession of managers, but tubby Southern softie Mark Ashley, the man who bought a valued cultural commodity and turned it into a circus. His public apology was unexpected, but also way too late.

Like we saw with Leeds, it has to get a lot worse before it gets better, and though it's been a while since one of the venerable institutions of top-flight football has tasted the sour mash of the lower leagues, it doesn't mean they are immune.

RIP, Newcastle 08/09. Your fans, cartoonish as they may seem, deserved better. Their club was poorly operated, badly mismanaged, and utterly hopeless on the pitch. Even their former owner agrees.

So what say you, folks? How long until the Magpies get back to the top flight?

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My Bold Prediction in Bold:
Middlesbrough will return to the EPL before Newcastle, simply because the one thing 'Boro have going for them is a cohesive, coherent squad. Top to bottom, they're full of youngster blooded and bred through the Academy, and while their expensive imports have largely failed (here's looking at you, Afonso Alves), they have a core of players that are tied to the club for the long haul and with minor tinkering, they should be able to get right back up.

After all, that's what gets you success in the Colaship: a squad full of hungry, younger players that are well-drilled in playing as a unit. Add a couple of experienced vets to the mix, and they should be fine, unless they all start playing diva in the summer and demand transfers to Bolton, Wigan and Birmingham.

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More Sadness...

On top of the Arsenal fan committing suicide this week after the club's CL's loss, it appears a key cog of their North London rivals has suffered a tragic loss. Tottenham midfielder Wilson Palacios has finally learned what happened to his little brother, who was kidnapped two years ago, as Honduran officials have located what they believe to be the remains of Edwin Palacios.

The younger Palacios had been missing for two years, although Wilson was paid a large ransom. Apparently, the remains were located after two people arrested admitted to the crime. Palacios obviously sat out Saturday's draw against Everton.

Truly sad.

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Warning. No Really, Warning...

This is really, really, REALLY disturbing but someone at ONTD has posted video in the follow up to the story of the Arsenal fan in Kenya that committed suicide after their Champions League loss on Tuesday.

The poster makes note that through babelfish they picked up that he might have had a bad bet, or that he was already depressed. We said we had hoped that the loss itself wasn't the sole reason for this and there might be something else going on, but that doesn't make it any less awful. Really, it's disturbing. But click here after you've given serious thought as to whether you really want to see this or not.

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Quick Throw: Gooners rejoice as Toffee comes unstuck

Besides applauding my wit in crafting headlines, all the Gooners can breathe a sign of relief that their key rivals in the fight for 5th have just lost their Fabregas.

Everton will be without Mikel Arteta for at least 6 months due to ACL damage that requires surgery, and David Moyes admits it's bad.

"Injuries are part of football but what we'll miss is that we don't have the squad or numbers to do it. You've got to have the numbers, and that's where our problem comes."

And so, we bid adieu to Everton in the hunt for Top 5. Now all we need is Villa to receive some bad news from their physio (Keith: laying low since losing to Chelsea?), and the collective misery will be complete.

Then, we can all weep at the feet of the wretched Satanism emanating from Old Trafford.

[Guardian Sport]

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Things Could Always Be Worse, Gunners.

I realize today was crushing for the sizable Arsenal contingent hanging around UF, but even in these uncertain times, we must look to the lower leagues to get some perspective. After all, you could always be Weymouth.

Why Weymouth? Well, because they're a club that's been around 119 years, and today might well be the end of the road for the "Terras" from Dorset (think Kansas, but with beaches), as their team is falling apart.

The club has been struggling since the beginning of the year. I'll let an anonymous fan on BBC's livetext fill in the blanks:

"Stevo, please spare a thought for Weymouth today, playing what could be their last ever game. All our senior players left the club yesterday because the club couldn't afford to pay them in 2009! We have our under-18 team playing today, and despite lots of hard work by the fans, it looks like the end of the road for us today. Our 119-year history could be coming to an end at 5pm..."

And what happened today?

Their young'uns got pistol-whipped to the tune of 9-0 by visiting Rushden & Diamonds.

They lost their manager, who is stepping down, their chief executive is leaving because he doesn't have the 150,000 pounds needed to right the ship, and they no longer have a team (if you overlook, of course, the poor schoolboys currently subbing in). Management has tried to revive their finances by offering shares for 50 cents to supporters, and yet their future hangs in the balance.

So next time our team draws 0-0 or fucks up at home to some lesser side, remember the plight of the poor Terras.

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Pompey Push Adams off the Cliff

Yesterday's miraculous comeback by Liverpool was wonderful for me, but not so sweet for beleaguered, forlorn Pompey manager Tony Adams.

Within the last hour, the boardroom decided to put him out of his misery, firing him after barely three full months in charge. Winless in the EPL since November 30, they don't look like turning things around any time soon, but honestly, you can't place full blame on Tony. After all, his owners sold Diarra and Defoe to keep the finances in good stead, and that was perhaps the final nail in his coffin regardless of Torres' late goal last night.

No clue what happens next at Fratton Park. I hear Kevin Keegan's available.

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EPL Open Thread: The Day The Drama Died

HATE.

Ladies and gents, this is the day the EPL gets its back broken. The signs have been there, and now it's finally time to concede defeat. With every team beneath them looking beaten and stricken by internal strife, today is the day that Manchester United seize control of the league lead, never to look back.

Yep, they're at West Brom, staring at the chance to go three points clear at the top. It's clear on recent form that no-one else really fancies the stress and strain of a sustained trophy hunt, and so Fergie's maudlin band of sulkers and mercenaries will duly oblige in taking the proverbial candy from the EPL's babies.

To add history to the pot, if they stop West Brom from scoring tonight (at least for the first 84 minutes or so), they'll break Chelsea's record of playing 1,025 minutes in the EPL without conceding a goal. A truly sickening statistic, one that we'll never hear the end of, I'm sure.

So there it is folks. Bid adieu to the 2008/09 EPL season. You sure were a fun ride for a while.

Four games tonight, six tomorrow. Tonight also sees Villa look to keep pace, and an early-doors relegation six-pointer between 'Arry and Tony Pulis.

Leave your title hopes and eulogies in the comments. Lineups and whatnot after the jump.

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Come visit sunny Portsmouth: the place where away wins are made

Portsmouth v. Aston Villa, KO: 3pm
Portsmouth: James, Johnson, Campbell, Distin, Hreidarsson, Pennant, Davis, Mullins, Belhadj, Crouch, Kanu.
Subs: Begovic, Nugent, Kaboul, Pamarot, Utaka, Mvuemba, Armand Traore.

Aston Villa: Friedel, Cuellar, Knight, Davies, Luke Young, Gardner, Petrov, Barry, Milner, Agbonlahor, Heskey.
Subs: Guzan, Sidwell, Harewood, Delfouneso, Salifou, Shorey, Osbourne.

PREDICTION: Now that Villa have Emile "I distract defenders so my teammates can score" Heskey, this'll be a simple trip south for M O'Neill, especially because Fratton Park is becoming the EPL's Convalescence Home. Down on your luck? Visit Portsmouth! They'll gladly oblige 3 points. Portsmouth 0, Aston Villa 3
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Sunderland v. Fulham, KO: 2.45pm
Sunderland: Fulop, Bardsley, Ferdinand, Collins, McCartney, Malbranque, Whitehead, Tainio, Reid, Cisse, Jones.
Subs: Colgan, Edwards, Diouf, Chopra, Leadbitter, Healy, McShane.

Fulham: Schwarzer, Pantsil, Hughes, Hangeland, Konchesky, Davies, Etuhu, Murphy, Dempsey, Johnson, Zamora.
Subs: Zuberbuhler, Nevland, Gera, Stoor, Andreasen, Kallio, Baird.

PREDICTION: Um, home win? Rag on the Mackems all you want, but they're decent at home. I reckon Kenwyne's about to score again -- after all, it's been about two weeks since his last. Sunderland 2, Fulham 1
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'Arry: forever beautiful

Tottenham v. Stoke, KO: 3pm
Tottenham: Cudicini, Corluka, Dawson, Woodgate, Assou-Ekotto, Lennon, Zokora, Modric, Bentley, Pavlyuchenko, Defoe.
Subs: Alnwick, Bale, Huddlestone, Gunter, Campbell, Taarabt, Rocha.

Stoke: Sorensen, Wilkinson, Shawcross, Abdoulaye Faye, Higginbotham, Delap, Amdy Faye, Whelan, Etherington, Cresswell, Beattie.
Subs: Simonsen, Griffin, Lawrence, Fuller, Kitson, Pugh, Sonko.

PREDICTION: Ugh, I have to say Spurs will take this one, despite all logic processing to the contrary. I mean, they were worse than awful last weekend, and Stoke have been rather tough to break down of late (cue my uncontrollable tears at 4 points lost to these Potter bastards), but 'Arry has a way of fooling everyone with some false hope right when it's needed most. Plus, they just bought some former players back! How could they fail!?!?! Spurs 1, Stoke 0
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West Brom v. Manchester United, KO: 2.45pm
West Brom: Carson, Hoefkens, Pele, Donk, Robinson, Zuiverloon, Borja Valero, Koren, Brunt, Simpson, Fortune.
Subs: Kiely, Cech, Bednar, Kim, Dorrans, Filipe Teixeira, Morrison.

Man Utd: Van der Sar, Neville, Ferdinand, Vidic, O'Shea, Park, Carrick, Giggs, Ronaldo, Berbatov, Tevez.
Subs: Kuszczak, Brown, Tosic, Scholes, Fletcher, Gibson, Eckersley.

PREDICTION: Squeaky, late, deflected away winner for Fergie and his merry band of bastards. It won't be easy, but like all things drenched in Satanism, they have a way of achieving their nefarious goals. Berbatov will bump one in 5 minutes from time. West Brom 0, Manchester United 1

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More dispatches from the Relegation Zone

Image courtesy of Hockalees

It's been a rough season so far for Tottenham Hotspur. This is nothing new for loyal disciples of the sport, most of whom have been busy photoshopping the hilarity and standing by laughing at the carnage.

Perhaps one of the hardest-suffering of the Spurs faithful is not our own Likely Lad (although he is seriously afflicted, believe me), but the humble Relegation Zone Mikey. RZM is, in many respects, the typical sports fan; he sings when he's winning, and can be found at the bottom of a pint glass when he's not. We're all like that, but for some reason, watching RZM go through it is far, far worse. (I think it has something to do with the fact that there's no real end in sight to his misery)

He's been referenced in Mr. Hirshey's work before, and now he's decided to tell his side of the grim, awful, reckless story that is Tottenham Hotspur, 2008/09.

If only his outpouring of heartbreak and finger-pointing could give Spurs an extra point or two.



I love Tottenham Hotspur FC but what they are doing to me right now is cruel. The feeling of despair I felt after the Hull game cannot be described. I am a man with two kids and a wife, so technically I'm not allowed to let Spurs' start to the season affect my weekends yet I confess, from late summer until now, our household has not been the model of familial harmony.

This is not how it was supposed to be.

The optimism I felt before kick-off at 'Boro in August has been replaced with disbelief. I did not go into this 08-09 season with dreams of Champions League football. I am a rabid supporter, yet even I am not that delusional. I did go in with the goal of UEFA Cup football next year and a hopes of a bright future under Juande Ramos. so where did it all go so very wrong? I need to hear the opinions of the educated UF reader to help me sort out the disaster that is Spurs' start to the season. The only place to start is obviously the top. Is Daniel Levy responsible for this shambolic start? Let's lay out the case.

Levy always tells Spurs supporters about his ambitions to take us into the "Top 4" of the Prem. After the sale of Michael Carrick, he was quoted as saying, "once again for the record, we are not a selling club, rather we are building for the future. When we have players on long contracts we have no need to entertain offers." (Quote from Topspurs.com)

We were told he wanted to leave, so we took Levy at his word. Well, after this summer Mr Levy might want to retract that statement. With roughly 75-to-80 million pounds of talent in and almost the same $$ out, it would seem that he has no real plan at the moment except to run a nice profitable football team to line his pockets with.

Did the Berbatov affair really need to go on until the transfer deadline leaving us no other options than the UEFA Cup tied Roman Pavlyuchenko? I really get physically ill thinking about the fact that a year ago we had Berbatov, Keane, and Defoe and now we have Bent, Pavs, and Frazier Campbell on loan. The $$$ are nice, Mr Levy, but they can't buy back the goals you sold.

We have scored 4 league goals this year, one of them being an own goal at 'Boro. One was also an accidental goal vs. Villa that Bent got in the way of a wayward cross. Where are the goals going to come from, Daniel???

Levy will quickly point out that Keane and Berbatov wanted to leave. Guess what Daniel: Ronaldo, Barry, and even Arshavin wanted to leave their clubs too, yet they are still where they started. You hold the damn contract! Remember what you said about not being a selling club? Is it all bollocks? We are propping up the league, our strikeforce is decimated, and our team is comprised of talented parts that do not seem to fit correctly. Can we simply blame a greedy chairman?

I guess blame could also be laid at the feet of our Director of Football, Damien Commoli. Surely the man who ok'd 16.5 million for Darren Bent has to be held partly responsible, no?

I could go on and on analyzing his signings and how they do not make sense in the big picture. The glaring needs for THFC were a Defensive Midfielder, a Left-Sided Midfielder, and cover for King. Corluka was a good acquisition in the back but were the other needs addressed? Instead of a DM, we bought a couple of attacking midfielders in Dos Santos and Modric, while also adding another RM in Bentley.

This has obviously led to selection headaches for Senor Ramos; we have many players out of position which is making our play on the pitch poor to say the least. As another Spurs blogger noted, the books are balanced but the squad is not.

That leaves one more person who has to look in the mirror and accept some of the blame as well.

Senor Ramos, the shine is definitely off the Cup now and he has some explaining to do. On paper, at least, there is talent on the team. Shouldn't Juande be doing better than 2 points in 6 games? Since the League Cup, our form has been extremely poor. Wembley was a great day out but that was a long time ago.

The turnover in players has been massive, yet what are we left with? 400 wing backs and no spine, as my mate Bigus reminds me daily.

Is this true? Is this what Ramos envisioned? Is this the squad he thinks can contend for the Champions League and Cup glory?

Every week we seem to have a different 11 and even our players do not know what to expect every game. We need some continuity so our players can gel. The natives are clearly getting restless and Mr Ramos must be feeling the heat. When Bent came on for Pavs against Portsmouth, the travelling supporters serenaded Ramos with a hearty "You dont know what you're doing." He definitely couldn't ignore that, could he? I guess as long as Poyet didn't translate it for him, he's no worse off.

Bottom line: these are troubling times. UF readers. Where has it all gone wrong for Spurs?

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Kaka story was complete caca

Alright, so we were wrong about Kaka. No deal is close to being finalized, but the Guardian is normally good for this sort of thing so we thought it must be happening!

However, as a blog, I feel comfortable behind the veil of hyperbole and anonymity, since we're not winning a Pulitzer anytime soon.

If anything, the potential deal that would send the mercurial Brazilian to Stamford Bridge has become more absurd since Friday's revelation. Rumours abound that the Blues are offering well over 150 million Euros now, and they're not the sort of club to be taken lightly. Abramovich has shown in the past that he'll spend however much it takes to acquire the toys he covets most, as was shown when they smashed transfer records to get hold of Andrei Shevchenko.

Roman has two things going for him, in an age when owners are getting increasingly skittish about transfer prices: he's got the cash, and he's got the moxie to keep bidding higher and higher until the other team has no alternative but to sell. Rafa Benitez is struggling with his overlords in trying to get the money for Gareth fucking Barry, and Arsenal are selling everyone in sight.

Such a transfer would not bode well for the league, and I'm not talking about their EPL title chances. Moreso, it's just another nail in the coffin for football in general. The chasm between the newly-promoted and the old guard is wider than ever, and there's simply no way for the Hull Cities and West Broms of the world to compete with a 100 million Euro signing, no matter how many bit players they lure across from other teams' reserve XIs.

Yes yes yes, I realize I'm lamenting like the old man afraid of change, but even so: is anyone worth 100 million Euros? That's some crazy money!

After the jump, a video that shows Kaka's genius on the pitch, along with some delightful non-sequitur videos that have the word "money" in them.

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