If you ever needed the proof that Mike Ashley is as good at business as I am at giving credit to Ipswich Town, then read on. Mr Ashley has so far spent 244 million smackers on troubled Newcastle United. Last summer he wanted 300 million for the club, a place where his face didn't belong and until recently he wasn't welcome. Desperate to get out, Ashley recently slapped a 100 million 'cut and run' tag above the door at St James Park. This week? Looks like he may be willing to accept just 60 million. Or to put it into perspective, one Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite. That's Kaka to you and me.
Ashley acquired Newcastle United two years ago, buying out unpopular supremo Freddie Shepherd and his cronies for 134 million. Since then, he has dug deep and splashed more than 100 million on players. Players who have collectively delivered relegation to the Coca Cola Championship, with woeful performances. Ashley became a hugely unpopular figure at the club after the departure of Kelvin Koogan (or Kevin Keegan, outside of UF headquarters). Koogan walked after internal politics involving the control of transfers made his job untenable.
To make Ashley's injury worse, the 60 million offer he may accept is coming from....You guessed it. Mr Freddie Shepherd. Shepherd wants to return and he is being backed by a consortium of businessmen.
Former supremo, Freddie Shepherd eyes a return.
Shepherd and co will certainly have their hands full. The club is a financial disaster, there are currently 15 players on 50,000 pounds a week or more, and the rest get a weekly pay packet that the average Colaship player could only dream of. Failure to gain promotion at the first time of asking will lead to a fire sale of the team as Newcastle balance the books for a second season outside of the top-flight. That's IF the new owners decide to go with what they have and hope the most expensive Colaship team EVER can get them back to the promised land at the first attempt.
Every team relegated from the Premiership is handed two years worth of payments from the top-flight. These 'parachute payments' are designed to help the club prepare for a stay in the fizzy league. In Newcastle's case, this years parachute payment and much, much more will disappear into the pockets of high earners such as Obafemi Martins, Nicky Butt, Xisco, Fabricio Coloccini and Jonas Gutierrez. Whats certain is, that not many teams are lining up to pay top dollar for a team of failures and a lot of Newcastle's players are on long contracts.
Anyone for Xisco? The 7 million quid (one parachute payment) signing has played just 5 times for Newcastle.
Maybe Newcastle can recover some cash with the sales of their new away shirt? Ouch!
If successful with his offer, Shepherd will also have to decide whether or not to hire Alan Shearer as manager. If you believe whats written in the press, Shearer wants 2 million a year to take the job. Personally, I think he is desperate to carry on running the club he loves and would take the position for a clean tracksuit and a bag of licorice all-sorts.
Currently, Newcastle are 6 weeks away from the start of the season, they have no manager and a bunch of players who may or may not be around when the Geordies take on West Brom for their opener. Many will want out. Fast.
There are a lot of changes set to hit the North East over the next month, whether or not the club can rebuild or stabilize in time for a promotion push is doubtful. A lot of the big time Charlie's at the club are sure to struggle in a league where every visit brings a 'Cup Final' mentality to the opponent, along with some tough tackles and in some cases, anti football, designed to frustrate the most talented, fancy dan Premier league player.
Good luck Newcastle. You will need it.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Never Go Back. Unless You Are A Shepherd.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Your Utterly Meaningless and Mildly Interesting 2009 Table **UPDATE**
Hull City lost again today. That shouldn't be surprising. They are winless in their last seven and have but one win in their last 19 league matches. That's a kind of competitive competence than can only be described Derby County-esque.
The Tigers were beaten 1-0 by an Aston Villa side that, a couple of months ago, was putting the fear of Europa into Arsenal. Villa, for their part, were hardly impressive in putting Hull out of their misery (or maybe closer to it in the form of relegation). It was Villa's first win in 11 league tilts.
If you had the misfortune of watching it, you could be excused for thinking it was a bottom five match-up. In fact, we thought, on form, it might have been. So we set the Wayback Machine* to the turn of the New Year and made a second semester table. Since December 31, this is what the EPL (suck it, Barclays) would look like.
It is surprisingly unsurprising (save maybe for Villa).
1 Manchester United 42
2 Arsenal 33
3 Liverpool 32
4 Chelsea 32
5 Tottenham 25
6 Manchester City 25
7 Everton 24
8 West Ham 23
9 Fulham 21
10 Aston Villa 20
11 Stoke City 19
12 Blackburn 19
13 Bolton 16
14 Portsmouth 15
15 Wigan 14
16 Sunderland 13
17 Newcastle United 11
18 Middlesbrough 11
19 West Bromwich Albion 10
20 Hull City 7
Yeah, Villa at 10th faired much better than we anticipated. But their slide didn't start until into February (although the drop in play maybe has its seeds when Laursen went down before Boxing Day). Only two other teams are more than three spots plus-or-minus their current position on the table. Tottenham are five spots to the good, and Wigan four to the bad.
There is still some shaking out to do at the top of the table as Arsenal play both United and Chelsea and, while they won't make up the gap to first, they might put some distance back to third, or fall to it. But the Big 4 are still the Big 4 with an unbridgeable gap back to the pack.
The bottom four here are also the same bottom four in the full season table. Oddly enough, the only team that is certainly going down, West Brom, is the only team in the group that is playing with any fight. Next week might settle who joins them in the drop. Hull host Stoke and Newcastle welcome Middlesbrough. A single point might be enough for Hull. But failing a positive result for them, a winner of the Newcastle v. Boro match would move out of the drop zone on goal difference.
Anyway, just something to peruse of mild interest.
Thank you for your continued support of Unprofessional F... Oh wait. That's someone else's coda.
[* 'We' here means The Fan's Attic as he did all of the necessary math. Also, apologies for the table not being easier to read. Blogger is fascist in the way it refuses to recognize tabs or even multiple blank spaces.]
TFA UPDATE: Here's the rudimentary table I created.
EPL Second Semester Table
Post Mortem: Death By Poison.
It was enough to bring some to tears. Others called Canary Call on BBC Norfolk to vent. I thought I'd be more upset, but I had prepared after Monday's game and have been resigned to the drop all week. I am actually just angry, angry at the spineless display at the Valley yesterday and angry at the main reason Norwich City were relegated to League One. Down to the third tier of English football for the first time in 50 years.
Some fans blame the board, other the manager/s and everyone has an opinion. What's important is that the post-mortem is conducted in a speedy manner to allow preparation for an assault on Hartlepool and Exeter. We simply must bounce back like Leicester have this season.
So What went wrong that a team like Norwich can slip from the Premier League to League One in 4 years? What can be done to breathe life back into the club, so we come back bigger and stronger. I'm not going to dredge up the past, rant into history pre our recent flirtation with the Premier League, to me the club took ill in 2006 and died on May 3rd 2009. The good news is that resurrection is possible in the World of football. 
Enough to bring tears.
After the initial shock of a gutless, pathetic display away to Charlton, I spent 4 hours gardening in the rain to avoid the phone. Giving me plenty of time to dissect this season and its grave misgivings. Barnsley won, so any result at the Valley would have relegated us regardless, but the players had no idea at the time and should be ashamed of their efforts.
The final straw. Gutless display at Charlton.
I'm going to call this fenced off section, 'Canary Corner'. It's where I'll go to dwell with miserable thoughts. Hopefully not for too long!
Norwich City were poisoned. The deadly substance? One dose of deadly Roeder. Hang on Bigus...I hear you, yes the board hired him, they allowed his poison to spread through the clubs organs stealing the life from a once healthy entity. I'll get there. I will. That's a long-term problem that we have had. But..The immediate state that the club currently finds itself in. The state of spiraling into the division below, heartless and bleeding heavily...Is down to Roeder.
Now, I'll admit it. Even though he came with a bad reputation, I was not unhappy at his appointment. The club needed someone to shake the tree, he certainly did that, problem was he also ripped all the branches off and siphoned out the sap. Friends emailed me. This is a disaster..He'll take you down. They were right.
Norwich is a community club. The fans are vital. They are the revenue. We are rarely on TV and there is no Russian sugar daddy or face-less benefactor hiding in the lobby of a bank in Bermuda, ready to splash the cash. We are run with what we have. Fantastic fans who fill Carrow Road for every home game and limited resources. Run comfortably it used to appear. But no longer, we are now short of cash. The fans that cram into Carrow Road and huddle around PCs to listen to radio Norfolk ARE the club and when picking a manager, it's not just a task to find a man who can possibly bring success. Another question needs to be answered.
Can he gel with the supporters he will have to face at road shows and events? In the supermarket when his actions are questioned? It's finding a balance. I'll get back to this later. So what did Roeder do?
First of all, the guy swept through the training ground with a sword, sacking people he didn't know for no reason but to be his own man. To leave his mark. He even fired Terry Postle, the kit man. A guy who has been at the club for 12 years! If he'd actually waited a while he may have gotten to know Terry and discovered he is a super bloke. Roeder was out to make the place his, and at any cost. In came new coaches, fitness staff, a motivational guru (even he didn't stick around long) and of course, a new kit man. While Roeder's whirlwind honey-moon period saved the club from relegation, the long term future for any team he manages has always been a disaster. Why should we be different?
Peter Grant may have left us adrift at the bottom of the table and Peter Grant was an awful choice of manager. He affected the team with dreadful signings like Brellier and Murray and the football was dire. A classic case of nice guy, crap manager. The world of football is full of these stories.
However, Roeder has done the real damage, not Grant. So much damage in a short period of time, the dynamic of the club and its relationship with the fans will take some time to repair. The team itself is now in tatters with very few of this years bunch set to be standing on the pitch at the start of next season.
While Roeder is not responsible for the lack of financial investment in the team and the decision to hire two bad managers, he well and truly f*cked us this season with a slew of stupidity. Ineptitude guided by his disgraceful personality and 'my way' attitude.
Roeder could not allow for a popular figure to be within a country mile of his inflated ego and fragile persona, so the first victim of his belligerence was legend Darren Huckerby. The most popular player at the club and one who truly loves Norwich City and wanted to be there. A player who was certainly up for a fight during the tough times. A hero who was sorely missed yesterday at the Valley. A place were no heroes were to be found, just zeroes.
Players who Roeder didn't like were sent to train with the youth team. Young players who were on the verge of breaking into the team, instead of being nurtured, were criticized and sent on loan. Captain and key CB Jason Shackell was stripped of the captaincy and flogged to Wolves. Norwich City used more than TEN different center back partnerships this year. Roeder played left backs there, he played right backs there. Even Sammy Clingan. The heart of the midfield played there.
It doesn't take a football genius to figure out that the lack of a consistent, defensive partnership would end in disaster. The goals we were conceding were a joke. While Middlesbrough loanee Jonathon Grounds may have been a super left back, he was played alongside Doherty in central defence. Before that, loanee and right back Eliot Omosuzi was played there. The goals we conceded over Christmas were not only embarrassing, they cost us dear.
Roeder had his favorites and outside of that, players were stepping on egg-shells. He loved Mark Fotheringham. A below average player who talked a good game and backed it up by ball-watching action in the box while he strolled back casually. This was Roeder's captain. If Roeder was poison then Fotheringham was the needle. 
Glenn Roeder: Poison. An arrogant, ruthless man.
Roeder cut Grant's players and replaced them with loans. While I'll admit, I thought it was a good idea at the time. Better players arriving without costly salaries and transfer fees. Brilliant right? Well if you are near the top or mid-table without any pressure and the freedom to play football, they are great. However, as we discovered during the run-in. The extra heart and fight required to battle out of trouble just wasn't there. Even on our last day, the drop looming, we rolled over.
Some of Roeder's loans worked -- Leroy Lita for instance -- but others just sucked salaries while failing to even appear on the bench. Troy-Archibald Henville from Spurs. OJ Koroma from Portsmouth. Henville went back to Spurs and played in their reserves while we were still paying him! Another expensive mistake was the aging and injury prone Antoine Sibierski. He spent more time on the treatment table than on the training pitch.
Glenn Roeder's attitude was appalling. He was rude and arrogant. In fact, he was such a dick that he managed to lose the dressing room. And once the players don't want to know, the clock is ticking. On top of that, he had absolutely no respect for the clubs life-blood. The supporters. Standing up at the clubs AGM he replied to criticism by replying "I must have missed your tenure as England manager".
Now the club was in deep sh*t. But for me, the mother of all absurd f@*k ups was to loan Jamie Cureton to Barnsley. Cureton is a confidence player. He had missed some absolute sitters early in the season and instead of putting his arm around the guy and treating him with a positive attitude, he publicly criticized the player and threw him under the bus. He wasn't the only one. Roeder never manned up and took responsibility. A trait you certainly won't find in current boss Bryan Gunn.
Cureton: Thrown under Roeder's bus, then loaned to relegation rivals Barnsley.
While on loan. Cureton's goals bagged our relegation rivals 4 vital points. As soon as Roeder was fired, Gunn recalled Cureton immediately. Cureton has not been on form this season and I'm not saying he was important to our campaign. But Roeder ruined him, destroyed his confidence and then sent him on loan to score goals for the team who stayed up on Sunday. Roeder also threw Wes Hoolahan under the bus and destroyed his confidence too, after the player jumped out of a tackle that led to a goal. He then dropped Hoolahan for weeks.
The bigger picture of Norwich City FC's recent history is one of a club that keeps its head above water and relies of unearthing gems, like Clingan and Cody McDonald to compete. The funds to run with the pack are just not there. Hope is derived from seeing the likes Cardiff, Burnley, Preston and Bristol City flirt with the top 6 and in remembering Worthingtons class of 2003-2004. However, the board have made some monumental mistakes that have not allowed them a comfortable existence, notably the appointments of Peter Grant and Glenn Roeder.
Currently they are receiving some serious flack for not having enough cash. That makes no sense to me. There is no-one out there willing to invest or replace Delia Smith. She herself has pumped millions into the club and freely admits that it is not enough in football today to achieve success, but the abuse she has received for not having deep enough pockets is simply not on. If someone has money and wants to buy the club then fair play, but that person doesn't exist and Smith cares a great deal about Norwich City.
Takeover broker Keith Harris has been trying to find investment for Norwich, along with a buyer for Everton for over a year now and no one is interested. Owning a football club these days is not an investment, its a money pit. An activity for the rich with the rewards of glory and adoration should they be successful. A quick look at Sunderland, Birmingham and Wolves shows clearly what can be achieved with cash.
I'm not saying someone should NOT be made to pay for the current mess at Carrow Road. They should, the board have taken plenty of bad advice from within. I could highlight some non-football related faux-pas, but I'll save those for another day. It will be interesting to see if Delia decides to bring an axe down away from the pitch over the next few days.
So what's next? Well, some our best players are bound to leave and others deserve to. We have some great kids coming through and we need to find a balance. But for me one thing is blatantly clear. We need stability and we need a manager who understands the place, the supporters and what's required at Norwich City football club. That means no more outsiders. No more changes. No more gambles on managers who roll into town clueless about our club, it's academy and it's amazing supporters. No more dramatic change on the agenda. That could set us back years and leave us a League One mainstay.
The Roeder era will stay with Norwich fans for a very long time and should act as a warning now, as the board discusses the future.
The club has enjoyed its most successful spells under managers who were promoted from within. Managers who understand what's needed without destroying the clubs chemistry with the fans, ruining the style of football we play and upsetting the squad to the point of having to start anew. Mike Walker was promoted from within as was Worthington. Walker was appointed after years of working with the youth academy. As a manger he was familiar with the(then) current players and the players coming through the ranks. Now more than ever, that is what we need. That is why we must stick with Bryan Gunn.
Walker (right). Took Norwich into Europe.
Gunny may be inexperienced as a manager but he has played 500 times for City and he wasn't sleeping throughout those games. All managers have to start somewhere. What Gunn does have, is a deep seated passion for Norwich City, a rapport with it's supporters going back more than 20 years and an understanding of what's needed. He has already shown in his short time in charge he can do the job. He signed Cody McDonald for a snip and brought Jason Shackell back along with defensive cover in the shape of Adrian Leijer. He was handed a shi*t sandwich and saw what needed doing.
Without a shadow of a doubt, without Shackell, we would have been relegated weeks ago. Roeder had no defensive cover and deemed it unimportant. Unearthing future McDonalds is going to be crucial in a league with little TV money and lower ticket prices. Gunn's loans to replace Roeder's, were also good signings. Alan Lee should be signed permanently and Gow and Mooney played a part in prolonging relegation to the last day.
Cody McDonald. One for the future.
Most importantly, Gunn knows the youth players, the next crop and that is going to be key for us next season. We will need to rely on the next batch of academy kids to provide depth to a side that must bounce back immediately to avoid financial trouble. Korey Smith, Michael Spillane, Declan Rudd and Luke Daley will all need to play a part next year as we build a team of players who want to be at Carrow Road and play like they do. Gunn's lack of managerial experience must be complemented by the best coaching available. Whether that is the current coaches, Ians Crook and Butterworth or someone else. The right balance will provide the support required to make the right decisions and bridge the experience gap.
Roy Keane was handed a sack of money at Sunderland and had no experience before Quinn and co hired him. Today folks are calling him an ambitious signing at Ipswich. Whats the difference? The money got Sunderland up, not Keane. I see Gunn as an ambitious man with the drive to be successful at Norwich.
No more changes. The club needs to appoint Gunn and build for the future with a 'Norwich' state of mind.
It's vitally important to keep Clingan. His League One experience and position at the heart of our midfield must be utilized and a team built around him. If we can keep one player it needs to be him. The 3 million we would receive from suitors like Fulham is nothing compared to his value to us now. Hoolahan would also be a player who would excel in League One, whether or not he fancies the drop and cares enough remains to be seen. After all, many players now have a clause allowing them to leave if their club is relegated. They sure know how to show loyalty right? And all of the moving about gives Mr ten percent another fee.
One thing is for sure. We now have a chance to put things right under Gunn. To fix 3 years of bad football and terrible decisions. To build a foundation and a team with a heart that beats in Norwich and not Newcastle or somewhere else. With home-grown players and players like Cody McDonald and Alan Lee, players grateful to play in the yellow and green and to fight for such a great club.
I just hope that this weeks board meetings inspire the right appointment and do not bring another mistake down the A11 with more change. That would be unforgivable.
-Bigus
Sunday, May 3, 2009
The Bootroom: Nice Fans (+ LFC Liveblog by LB)
From ONTD Football.
Well, a 6-2 shellacking in El Clasico probably won't be surpassed today, but there will be some decent games. Most notably we'll find out who in the Colaship survives the drop. After the jump a few games and one more pic of some nice fans.
And LB is gonna liveblog Liverpool v. Newcastle to get the day started. Follow along after the fixtures beneath the jump.
EPL
Sunday, May 3, 2009
8:30 ET Liverpool v Newcastle United
11:00 ET Sunderland v Everton
Colaship - These are the only two matches that matter. Will Charlton pull another club down with them to League One with a victory, or can Norwich pull a Fulham?
Sunday
8:15 ET Charlton Athletic v Norwich City
8:15 ET Plymouth Argyle v Barnsley
La Liga
Sunday, May 3, 2009
11:00 ET Mallorca v Getafe
11:00 ET Racing Santander v Almeria
11:00 ET Sporting Gijon v Athletic Bilbao
11:00 ET Osasuna v Recreativo Huelva
11:00 ET Deportivo La Coruña v Valladolid
13:00 ET Espanyol v Valencia
15:00 ET Real Betis v Atlético Madrid
Bundesliga
Sunday, May 3, 2009
11:00 ET FC Cologne v Werder Bremen
11:00 ET Hamburg SV v Hertha Berlin
Serie A
Sunday, May 3, 2009
9:00 ET Udinese v Atalanta
9:00 ET Palermo v Cagliari
9:00 ET AS Roma v Chievo Verona
9:00 ET Juventus v Lecce
9:00 ET Catania v AC Milan
9:00 ET Siena v Napoli
9:00 ET Fiorentina v Torino
14:30 ET Genoa v Sampdoria
LIVERPOOL v. NEWCASTLE UNITED
Liverpool: Reina, Arbeloa, Carragher, Agger, Aurelio, Alonso, Mascherano, Benayoun, Gerrard, Riera, Kuyt.
Subs: Cavalieri, Dossena, Babel, Lucas, Ngog, El Zhar, Skrtel.
Newcastle: Harper, Beye, Coloccini, Bassong, Duff, Smith, Butt, Martins, Barton, Lovenkrands, Viduka.
Subs: Krul, Nolan, Guthrie, Owen, Gutierrez, Edgar, Carroll.
No Owen and no Torres, while Rafa welcomes Gerrard back into the fold. This has all the makings of a 1-1 draw, especially as Newcastle have been enjoying the run of play in the first 10 minutes.
10 mins: Liverpool's strategy thus far has involved lots of hoofing, which is uncharacteristic for them given the goal orgies of recent weeks. Shearer's gambled with a front 3 that doesn't include Owen... we'll see if it pays off.
13 mins: The oafish Coloccini destroys a LFC attack by hauling down Gerrard in full flight. Moron. His hair is close to Valderrama-esque proportions. Gerrard forces a good save from Harper from the dead ball. He is rather eager to reestablish himself as that "talisman", that's for sure. Nipping at Newcastle heels, sprinting around like a headless chicken, and shooting from anywhere.
Coloccini
Valderrama
15 mins: Neither side has really settled, but Damian Duff is already making himself a nuisance in midfield.
Stevie G tries to cap his return with a lovely long-range goal from open play, and he's not far off, to be honest. Harper palms it away, but Gerrard then floats his corner onto a Magpie noggin and it's cleared.
19 mins: What on earth was that? Some miscommunication at the back for the Reds almost allows Peter Lovenkrands to nip in behind Reina, but Arbeloa's there to shepherd the ball away from goal. Down the other end, Stevie does it again, shooting from 30 yards instead of forging a structured attack, and this time, he gives a nice gift to someone in the proverbial Row ZZ.
22 mins: Liverpool are beginning to turn the screws with a series of crosses from left and right, controlling the play... Kuyt going wide with a header from a lovely Aurelio cross.
GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and it's the Super Jew once more! Shearer looks rather ill on the bench. Kuyt gets a Viduka clearance and has time to turn, control and cross it on for Yossi Benayoun who is laughably unmarked on the edge of the six-yard-box and perfectly placed to nudge the ball home with the inside of his knee. Harper was gazing at the ball from the near post... as for Coloccini? No clue where he was. Another attack follows, and Newcastle are in for a long afternoon. Liverpool 1, Newcastle 0
29 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL... easy as you like for Liverpool. After another spell of pressure, Habib Beye coughs up a corner and Gerrard's delivery is perfect for Dirk Kuyt to meet it all alone in the heart of the area with a diving header. Harper was hopeless. Liverpool 2, Newcastle 0
30 mins: Peter Lovenkrands has a nasty rendez-vous with the ad banner behind the Liverpool goal. After a few seconds of thigh rubbing, he appears to be alright.
32 mins: Alonso is a gorgeous passer of the ball, isn't he? Twice in a minute he frees a Liverpool player in behind the backline -- first Riera, then Arbeloa -- and the 2nd time, Arbeloa feeds Kuyt who skips into the box and fires just wide of Harper's far post. Newcastle are really struggling.
35 mins: It's been one-way traffic since the opening minutes. If Liverpool hold on, they keep the pressure on United and maintain some shred of hope in the title chase. Lots of carefree sideways passing from LFC culminates with Riera showing early-season form, prancing through Martins (!) as if he was a mannequin in a Macy's shop window and floats a lovely cross that the Magpies scramble clear. Of course, it's cleared to a man in red, and Riera's second cross ends up in Harper's arms. When will Joey Barton punch someone?
38 mins: The bloated corpse that used to be Mark Viduka is caught offside as he tries to sneak behind Agger to meet the hoof ball. He shoots over the bar regardless, but it wouldn't have counted.
I believe we should be counting down to Owen Time. When will Shearer roll the dice on bringing on yet another mediocre, hobbled striker? Half Time? The hour mark? Place your bets.
40 mins: Alonso gives Gerrard a demo in long-range shooting, blasting a nasty swerving, curving shot with pace onto Harper's crossbar, with the goalkeeper having absolutely no clue where it was going. So very nearly 3-0.
Oh, and they showed a replay of Yossi's goal. Yeah, Kuyt was trying to shoot, and yes, Yossi was a foreskin's width offside. That's what I get for making snap judgments and having a Macedonian feed that I can't translate.
42 mins: Nightmarish chaos in the Newcastle area almost equates to another LFC goal. Gerrard has a shot blocked (he really, really wants to score on his comeback), Kuyt has a sloppy-looking scissor kick blocked, and then Riera half-volleys wide.
Within seconds, the ball's back down that end and Riera wins a corner off Damien Duff, having made it untouched to the byline yet again. On current form, this Newcastle defense will have trouble against the likes of QPR and Plymouth next season. They're simply that bad. Coloccini is the worst Argentine in history, surely. They should shred his passport and pretend he's from Uruguay.
44 mins: My oh my, almost goal #3 again.
The scouting report on Daniel Agger is short and sweet: "Great defender. Loves to gallop 30-odd yards untouched through midfield and shoot from distance. Is rather good at it, to be honest." And yet Bassong/Beye/Coloccini didn't do their pre-game reading assignment, as Agger does exactly that, forcing a sprawling save from a rather sweaty and angry Steve Harper.
45 mins + 1: Gerrard chases down a longball nicely and finds Benayoun in the area, but the Super Jew's backheel return for Stevie is juuuust intercepted and cleared. For a Liverpool throw.
HALF TIME: Liverpool 2, Newcastle 0
It's safe to say that Alan Shearer isn't a very good manager, but that's the price you pay when you hire nostalgia. The Reds, lucky to get their 1st with a touch of offside, could easily be 4-0 or 5-0 up at this point, and the halftime score is actually rather flattering to Newcastle. Their backline is rubbish and half-asleep, but Mark Viduka makes sure to give the ref an earful of stick instead of wondering how on earth to get his team back into the game. They should be taken out back and shot, Old Yeller-style.
Anyone else intrigued by the possibility of Sheffield United returning to the EPL, where they'd face the club that screwed them (West Ham) AND the team that bought the player that played for the team that screwed them (Manchester United)? Bramall Lane isn't the nicest place to go if you're a neutral, so I can only imagine the stored-up vitriol that would be unleashed on visiting Hammers fans should the Blades get it done today or in the Colaship play-offs.
And we're off again. Has Alan Shearer figured out any semblance of a midfield for the second half? Credit must also be given to Iain Dowie, the ugly cunt who continues to get work despite being largely rubbish. And to think he was hired to fill in the gaps of knowledge that Shearer had!
47 mins: It begins much how the first half ended, with Liverpool finding room down the wings to pressure the Magpies with a string of crosses.
Jonas Gutierrez replaced Peter Lovenkrands at half-time, apparently.
49 mins: And Jonas wins a free-kick with his first touch, bundled down on the left touchline. The Magpies do nothing with it, naturally.
50 mins: Gerrard's 1,974th shot of the game drags wide of goal.
52 mins: Viduka indulges in a bit too much argy-bargy in the area, having done well to beat Agger to a loose ball, and the ref gives a free kick. The swollen Antipodean ain't very happy.
Mascherano has space and time 30 yards from goal, so why not shoot? It's a daisy-cutter that Harper thankfully smothers.
54 mins: Barton makes a mess of controlling Alan Smith's wide pass, and it trickles out for a Liverpool goal kick. He really needs to lash out soon.
Lovely play by Liverpool, making the most of some sloppy defending by Shearer's men. Bassong dallies on the ball long enough for Yossi to pick his pocket. The Super Jew slides past two tacklers with ease, it ends up with Alonso who finds Gerrard wide, but Jonas knocks it off his foot for a corner. Gerrard's corner is cleared, only for Newcastle to concede a free-kick out wide, and from that, Agger heads narrowly wide.
I swear to God, if Newcastle survive the drop it will be some sell-your-soul-to-the-devil shit. They are dire. No midfield to speak of, and at least four useless strikers. Oh, and a defense that's prone to sleep apnea during games. Shay Given got out when he could.
58 mins:
Notes for Rafa:
- don't sell Alonso.
- don't sell Mascherano.
- do not fucking sell Benayoun, who's been one of the joys of the season since December.
- please buy a wing-back or two.
Better from Newcastle, as Alan Smith has a gallop up the middle to some effect, but he opts to fall under a weak challenge and the ref awards no free kick. LFC break nicely with Benayoun down the right, who finds Gerrard in the middle for his 2,304th shot of the game, this one also going narrowly wide. Harper looked like he was well-placed to save it, for what it's worth.
Newcastle march right back up the other end, and Joey Barton chips his "clever" cross directly out for a goal kick. He musters a half-smile at his predicament, hiding a lifetime of bitterness and rage behind his asymmetrical grin.
61 mins: Still no Michael Owen?
In true Rafa fashion, he preps Babel to come on as a sub. These are the games best suited for young Ryan: the ones Liverpool are winning somewhat comfortably, where Babel's lazy dribbling and average ball control will have much less negative impact on the team as/when he loses possession.
Alan Smith gets a yellow card for a shocking two-footed slide into the misty space inhabited by Yossi Benayoun. Thankfully, the contact was slight, else Smith would surely be looking at a straight red.
Here comes Babel! Albert Riera will get an early bath in goat's milk for all his hard work today.
65 mins: Nicky Butt is down. I assuming he's been injured by embarrassment about his performance today.
25-ish minutes to go, and the Magpies seek their first meaningful shot on goal while Butt gets attention.
Great work again by Benayoun down the right, floating a nice cross onto Kuyt's noggin but the Dutchman puts it right at Harper. Nice effort. Still the Reds press... Mascherano has a crack from 30 yards (everyone's been shooting from distance today) but it's always bending wide left.
69 mins: More momentum from LFC, but Mascherano's threaded pass runs too far ahead of Kuyt and Benayoun, who were both lurking around the top of the area, and Harper has it.
Does Shearer have any clue how to turn this around? No Owen off the bench yet? Guthrie to the wing? You need goals, you numpty! Or are you worrying about that must-win next week instead? It's that resigned approach that'll get you relegated.
71 mins: More panic around the Newcastle area, with Reds lining up to shoot. Gerrard has one, Alonso has one, I think Kuyt had one too... each time, Newcastle failed to fully clear their lines, seemingly inviting this kind of abuse.
A Michael Owen sighting down the touchline!
Bit of urgency from Newcastle thanks to Duff's spritely run. He feeds Jonas wide left and the long-haired lad is tripped by Mascherano, winning a free-kick. True to form, the kick is overhit and ends up in Reina's grasp. Liverpool break again.
74 mins: More menace around the Newcastle box, but Arbeloa's cross is headed back across goal by Kuyt to no-one in particular.
Gerrard's 3,479th shot of the game is slightly wide of goal. Butt looks relieved... Babel's cutback found the Liverpool skipper in oceans of room inside the area, but he dragged his shot left as Beye and Bassong lurched slightly in his direction. Best chance yet, Talisman!
And somewhere in that passage, Alonso hammered another shot off the bar. It's gotten to that point; I simply cannot tally and follow every decent Liverpool shot on goal, as there have been so many.
77 mins: AND THERE IT IS! THE BARTON LASH-OUT I WAS SO HOPING AND WAITING FOR! The clumsy hooligan two-footed slides into Alonso needlessly as the Spaniard gathers the ball near the corner flag. With no room to work with, Alonso was trapped, and still Barton looks to de-limb Xabi with his vicious slide. Alonso is still down by the corner flag receiving treatment.
79 mins: Perhaps now we'll see that 3rd goal. Benayoun spins Coloccini like a dreidel and finds Babel near the edge of the box, but Duff is there to touch it out for a corner at the last second.
Alonso will play no more part in today's proceedings, stretchered off to be replaced by Lucas. Xabi looked calm, hands clasped behind his head and in no discernible pain... he better not be seriously injured. Barton is a fucking thug. He protested all the way into the tunnel, but any replay and any passing spectator will point out the malicious intent in that challenge.
Subs for Newcastle: Martins off, Owen on (about 20 minutes too late), and Nolan on for the tubby Aussie, Mark Viduka.
82 mins: This game is petering out, the home crowd in full song. Benayoun can't keep a long pass in on the right touchline, and Duff preps to take the throw-in.
Possibly related question: what the fuck happened to Damien Duff?
87 mins: Liverpool free kick out right. Nothing much else to report.
GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL.... Aurelio free kick to Lucas, who heads it unmarked past Harper. Liverpool 3, Newcastle United 0
90 mins + 2: Gerrard's 5,647th shot of the game doesn't go in. Unlucky again.
FULL TIME: Liverpool 3, Newcastle United 0
Deserved result, marked with the inevitable Joey Barton red card. Now help me fill in the blanks below! Owen has some words with Carragher and Gerrard as the sides march off. Still three points back!
THE XABI ALONSO RED CARD PHENOMENON
(In which your humble liveblogger attempts to capture all the red cards doled out to opponents for late tackles on Xabi Alonso)
September 13: Nemanja Vidic, Manchester United (straight red)
September 27: Tim Cahill, Everton (straight red)
October 5: Pablo Zabaleta, Manchester City (straight red)
October 18: Antonio Valencia, Wigan (2nd bookable)
February 1: Frank Lampard, Chelsea (straight red)
May 3: Joey Barton, Newcastle (straight red)
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Colaship Review/Preview: Squeaky Bum Time.
My mate and Sangoma witch doctor 'Hector Um-bongo' has kindly put a hex on Barnsley. Nice one Hector.
It's been a while since I've done a Colaship review, and it's not because I'm a lazy fecker. I just couldn't bring myself to do so until now. The nightmare season my canaries have endured is nearing it's end and the worst possible scenario is staring at us from above. One game left and survival is not in our hands. There is also a battle at the top for the final automatic promotion place to the promised land, also known as the Premier League.
Lets start with Wolves. Their point last weekend at Barnsley (boooooooooooooooooooo) secured the Colaship title. They have been at the top all season, a brief stutter in form was righted and they finished strong. Good for them. McCarthy has started his summer clear out in preparation for the top-flight, stating his intention to let Jason Shackell, Darren Potter and Darren Ward leave Moilineux. Rumors are also circulating that Wolves will make signing Sammy Hypia from Liverpool a priority.
Wolves: Champions.
The second automatic promotion place is up for grabs. Birmingham's defeat last weekend and Readings 2-0 win at Carrow Road has set up a gem for this Sunday morning. Reading need to win to return to the Premier League but ALSO need Sheffield United to get no more than a point at Palace. Reading have hit form after a shaky spell and their superior goal difference could be the decider. Birmingham are running out of steam and I can see Reading doing the business. A Blades win and anything but a win for Birmingham will see Sheffield back in the big-time. Reading V Birmingham is available in the US on the PC destroying ESPN 360 at 8.15 am.
1 Wolverhampton 45 27 87
2 Birmingham 45 16 80
------------------------
3 Sheff Utd 45 25 79
4 Reading 45 33 77
5 Cardiff 45 13 74
6 Burnley 45 8 73
------------------------
7 Preston 45 11 71
Cardiff and Burnley have had very good seasons and only Preston can spoil the play-off party.
Preston v QPR
Burnley V Bristol City.
Sheffield Wed V Cardiff.
8.15 Eastern.
Down at the bottom Readings win at Bigus' favorite place on earth, saved Forest and Agyle. Tightly clenched buttocks in Nottingham and Plymouth respectively released to the sounds of jubilant celebration. Well done to them. Miserable Scottish tit Billy Davies has done a good job at Forest while Plymouth fought through an incredibly hard run-in schedule to accumulate 51 points. 50 bringing safety this year.
So here we are it's down to this. Barnsley or Norwich. One of us will be joining Southampton and Charlton in League One. I just can't believe it's come to this for Norwich. A club that beat Manchester United 2-0 in the Premier League just 4 years ago. The mess Glenn Roeder made at the club left Bryan Gunn an un-enviable task. He has bagged 20 points in 17 games. Roeder collected just 26 during his disastrous 28 games this term. The man was like poison. The alarm bells were ringing loudly once he swept through the club firing people left right and center. Even the kit man. The players hated him and the fans more. But I've been here before so lets move on.
To stay in the Colaship and hopefully learn from our mistakes, Norwich need to beat Charlton away on Sunday and need Plymouth to beat Barnsley. Stranger things have happened but I fear Plymouth are on the beach already and the point Barnsley need will be easily obtained.
That said I am now going to try and hex Barnsley. Please join me in a Gregorian style chant...Lose Barnsley, lose Barnsley, lose Barnsley, lose!
Many of our readers have asked me about the saying/song 'On the Ball City'. Well it's the oldest football song is history, dating back to the 1890's and still sung loudly at Carrow Road today. To help create a hopeful mood for the rest of the week and inspire the Gods of good fortune for Sundays big games, here it is...
First a jolly little version played on the 'ol Joanna' from the turn of the last century.
and how it lives today, on Saturday's at mighty Carrow Road.
Full Colaship table here.
Up the City!
-Bigus.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Monday Open Thread: Relegation Nation
Adopt the squeaky bum position and join us for a tense afternoon in the EPL and Colaship.
Two games. Four teams. Three in deep doo-doo. One Highlander. Etc.
As you can see above, the lads at George Keeley's have graciously jerry-rigged some bootleg A/V with ESPN360 piped onto a TV. Bigus is currently there, wearing a hole in the floor with his frantic pacing up and down the bar as we await kick-off from Carrow Road.
So yeah, you can watch Norwich/Reading on a computer-destroying ESPN360 should you wish.
Oh, and something about Alan Shearer.
TODAY:
Newcastle v. Portsmouth
-----
The Bland Alans: Shay Given's Less Talented Replacement, Beye, Coloccini, Bassong, Jose Enrique, Smith, Nicky Butt, Hard-Workin' Duff, Aussie who should retire, Martins, Crocked Midget.
Subs: The Evil Krul!, Barton the Thuggish, Guthrie, Gutierrez, Peter "Peace" Lovenkrands, Edgar, Carroll.
Pompey: Butterfingers James, Glen Johnson, Solololol Campbell, Distin, Hreidarsson, Davis, Belhadj, Hughes, Mullins, The Nuuuug, Man Who Hopes to Have Nachos.
Subs: Begovic, Pennant, Pamarot, Utaka, Cranie, Kanu, Basinas.
With Mike Riley in charge, you can almost smell the botched penalty decision that swings the game dramatically to favour one side. Shearer has done nothing to lift the Magpies whatsoever, so I'm going with a dramatic, agonizing 1-1 draw.
Norwich v. Reading
-----
Canaries: Marshall, Otsemobor, Shackell, Doherty, Bertrand, Gow, Clingan, Russell, Carney, Lee, McDonald.
Subs: Nelson, Cureton, Lappin, Leijer, Daley
Hooped Spoilers: Hahnemann, Rosenior, Bikey, Duberry, Harding, Cisse, Karacan, Kebe, Little, Kitson, Long.
Subs: Federici, Matejovsky, Doyle, S Hunt, Pearce
No clue here. Narrow, fraught, desperate 1-0 home win via a late goal from a teenager. Or something like that.
Southampton: Now Free Injury With Your Insult
We mentioned last week that Southampton were getting a contingent 10-point deduction and a certain sending down this season as a result of the club going into administration (not to mention shitty play).
The club's 1-1 draw against Burnley on the weekend confirmed their sending down on their own ineptitude (and not the FA's hand) and means they start next season 10 points in the hole in League 1. At least things can't get any worse.
Oh, maybe not.
Now comes word that the club could fold completely in the next eight days if a buyer doesn't come forward. The money quote from the Guardian:The players are understood to have been paid last week thanks only to £130,000 raised by fans under a Save Our Saints appeal... Southampton will play their final game of the season at Nottingham Forest on Sunday but the source says they will be forced to fold two days later unless one of the consortiums which have expressed interest in the club completes a deal.
Okay, so two potential buyers are in the fold, but there is seemingly a pressing need to get something done ASAP. You've been relegated and you might cease to exist in little more than a week.
Okay, so that's the bottom. Unless you count getting punched by police after the weekend match.
The best part is the person taking pictures as the stewart tries to stop him. "It's a free country."
Ha ha. Where do you think you are? The Netherlands?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Quick Throw: Obafemi sacrifices body for EPL's sacrificial lamb
With Newcastle in the grip of a relegation fight that they'll probably lose*, striker Obafemi Martins has done something rather brave: he's postponing a much-needed groin surgery to try and help them stay up. Never mind that he could suffer long-term damage as a result... I mean, the only healthy striker for the Magpies right now is Michael Owen, so they need all the help they can get.
He won't play every single minute, but will try his best to contribute off the bench wherever possible.
Best of luck, Oba.
[Guardian Sport]
PS. I completely forgot that Martins played for Inter Milan. A real head-scratcher, that.
*(sorry folks, every few years, the EPL has to sacrifice one of its bigger soccer markets in order to satisfy the headline-writers... can't just keep yo-yoing West Brom, after all)
Breaking News: Saints receive their penance
As expected, Southampton will be docked 10 points for breaching league rules about insolvency. It's a big blow for the Saints, as they now have absolutely no chance of avoiding relegation (they were 4 points from safety with 2 to play).
One weird note: if they manage to finish out of the relegation spots somehow, the deduction is put in effect, but should they drop, the penalty will be applied next season as they battle in League One. I don't remember that being the standard, but it bears keeping in mind for the team as they still have something to fight for this season.
More importantly, this means that Norwich must focus on one thing, as two relegation spots are effectively set: the mission to overtake Barnsley! Come on, Canaries!
[BBC News]
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Relegation! Shows Excitement! And Emotion!
While Liverpool fight to keep the EPL title in doubt there is, as always, another competition at the ass end of the table. There lies the fight to see who'll be traveling to locales such as Coventry, Swansea, and, the good lord willing, Norwich next season to play their football.
Ah relegation. North America, when will you ever learn that losers can provide as much teeth-gnashingly brutal entertainment as the teams desperate for trophies?
Probably never. You can't charge people $1 Billion to join your club then send them to the minor league, but we digress.
Anyway, for all of the mid-season clutter at the bottom of the table, the relegation battle in the Prem is likely to be fairly uneventful. One team is all but done. And two others are clinging to some combination of hope and delusion.
Follow along after the jump as we read the remaining fixtures, do some math and try to play Kreskin.
First, it's not going to take 40 points to reach safety this season. Thirty-seven is likely the magic number (Schoolhouse Rock lied to me yet again). Although just for good measure, if you're Blackburn or Hull you might want to scrounge up an extra point some place so your goal difference doesn't become a factor.
Working from the bottom up, West Brom are done. At 25 points, they would almost have to run the table to reach safety and seeing how they have Liverpool and Tottenham left on the schedule that ain't happening. Although, they might have fun in helping to drag someone down with them as they still get Sunderland (currently 15th on 35 points) at home and go to Blackburn (17th on 34) to finish the season. But, the Baggies are not a good side, and those two teams are probably penciling their matches against WBA as wins.
Newcastle on 30 points might—might—have 7 points left in them. Let's call the home games against Portsmouth and Fulham a win and a draw respectively (and that might be giving generously). That leaves the home match versus Middlesbrough as a must-win. It's actually a must win for both clubs as a draw probably sends both to the Colaship. But if Newcastle can win that—and they would probably be slight favorites as Boro have but two wins and two draws away from the Riverside this season—they get to 37 and likely safety.
Middlesbrough are also done. They go: to Arsenal (L), host United (L), to Newcastle (?), host Villa (L), and to West Ham (L or D).
Since we've already given Newcastle the head-to-head, that's five potential losses Dr. Teeth is starting at. Even with a win at St. James' Park, that still only takes them to 34 points. And the two teams currently on 34 already have a better GD. That's not likely to change if 'Boro take four of the last five on the chin. Failing a win against Newcastle, the best case scenario maybe has them drawing with West Ham and Newcastle. That's still only 33 points. And that's first class ticket on the Good Ship Sodapop.
Cheer up, Red Army. Coke adds life.
The three other teams under 37—Sunderland on 35, Hull City on 34, and Blackburn on 34—might be safe not through their own doing, but because 'Boro and Newcastle will fail to not fail. It's not unfathomable for both Boro and Newcastle to top out at 33, meaning that everyone above the zone is already safe. Yippee!
Oh wait, that actually kind of takes the fun out of this. So, let's assume that one of current relegation dwellers gets to safety, putting one of those next three at risk.
Sunderland's problem is that the three games they can pull points from—West Brom, Bolton, Portsmouth—are all on the road, whereas their home games against Everton and Chelsea are imminently losable. But, Bolton and Portsmouth will probably be safe when Sunderland plays them (if they aren't already), meaning they're facing an opponent that doesn't give much of a shit for anything save for their next tee times or if they can play through their hangovers.
Blackburn Rovers finish up at home against West Brom. They could lock up safety before then, but if not, that's about the best insurance policy that a team one spot above the drop could possible hope for. Win that and Blackburn get to 37, even if they take squadoosh from the other 4 fixtures. Their biggest fear is that if multiple teams are on 37 they've got an awful GD at -20. Currently only 'Boro and West Brom are worse.
If any team outside the zone can play their way down to the bottom three, it might be Hull City, mostly because they fucking suck total ass right now. They can't score. They have but one win this calendar year. They have three certain losses (Liverpool, Villa, United) in their last five. And their manager has orange skin from his fake tan. Okay, not relevant, but creepy nonetheless.
Again, working in Hull's favor is that, when they go to Bolton, the Wanderers will have nothing to play for. But even better is they get Stoke, also a team that will have packed it in, at home May 9. Win that and Hull probably stay up. But they share Blackburn's GD concerns as they are also on -20. Villa, Pool, and United could easily up that to -26 or worse.
Realistically it's five teams in play for two spots. The two teams currently in those spots have to be the favorites to keep them. But if there is a winner in the Boro v. Newcastle match, then Phil Brown might visibly become a beiger shade of bronze.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Ups and Downs.
Andy Keogh is mobbed by Wolves fans at Molineux yesterday.
Many relegation battles and promotion fights will go to the wire this year but yesterday a few were decided. Lets have a look.
Wolves gained promotion to the Premier League after an excellent season and a 1-0 victory over Q.P.R yesterday. There were a few rocky moments for McCarthy's men but they have been at the top all season and not even a bad spell at Christmas stopped them from winning the Colaship. They could have been caught on several occasions but Birmingham and Reading hit the skids and failed to take advantage of Wolves slips ups.
Charlton were relegated after a 2-2 draw with Blackpool. The Addicks go down to the third tier of English football for the first time since 81. Charlton's problems started after long time boss Alan Curbishley left in 2006. Since then, Charlton have had 4 managers. Ian Dowie, Les Reed, Alan Pardew and Phil Parkinson all failed to return Charlton to the form that saw them established as a Premier league side under Curbishley.
Leicester City are back in the Colaship as League One Champions after a dominant League One campaign. They secured promotion away at Southend. Former Portsmouth owner Milam Mandaric has vowed to bring the good times back to Leicester and I wouldn't be surprised if they spent big next season. In Matty Fryatt they have a forward who has scored 31 goals this season. Can he do it in the Colaship? He couldn't last time he was there, but he is another year more experienced and certainly confident.
Elsewhere in League One, Hereford were relegated after losing to Colchsester.
-Bigus
Monday, April 13, 2009
UF Quick Throw: Luton Lose Battle for League Status.
Luton Town were relegated from the Football League today after they failed to beat Chesterfield. Grimsby were surprise winners at Notts County and that vital away win lifted the fishy people 13 points from Luton who have just 4 games left and a possible 12 point haul. Luton faced a struggle all season after being docked 30 points by the Football League for financial irregularities including entering administration. Without the 30 point deficit Luton would currently sit 15th in League 2. They drop out of the league and face some very important challenges to keep the squad together in a league largely filled with semi-pro sides and just 2 promotion places up for grabs.
-Bigus
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Have Paint. Will Paint?
This post is an attempt to reverse the Luton league curse that strikes the beleaguered club every time my keyboard types anything remotely related to their survival. But they seem to be helping themselves. Last Sunday Luton won the Johnstone Paint trophy! Get in Luton. A trophy is nice but if 'Town' get relegated to non-league football, some of their players may be using Johnstone's paint in their REAL day jobs!
Non-league football these days, is filled with semi-pro teams and amateur ones. Some clubs can afford to have a few players who are solely footballers on the books and many can't. Non-league football is where you will find grafters, those who are not good enough for professional football, supplementing their dream careers with day jobs such as being builders and painters and decorators. Then there are those at the end of their careers, trying to keep the dream alive a little longer. Younger players who have a future are usually affiliated to a league club and part of a youth system by 17/18 if they are going to make it. 
Phillips: Late bloomer.
Not to say that certain players don't make it back from the depths of the non-league system. Both Kevin Phillips and Barry Hayles were both non-league players before playing in the Premier League and Championship. Hayles was a builder when he played for Stevenage Borough and Phillips was rejected by Southampton and playing at Baldock Town when Watford came calling. Dreams do come true for sure. Norwich City's 22 year old forward Cody McDonald was working as a scafolder in the London underground when Bryan Gunn plucked him from non-league Dartford. One month later and he would step onto the pitch at Carrow Road as a substitute and mark his arrival and BIG chance at the BIG time, with a well taken goal against Cardiff City.
So If Luton go down, what happens next?
Well, there are two real options. They keep the team together and find enough money to try for an immediate rebound, or they keep who they can afford to and scour the non-leagues for new players. The Blue Square Premier is an extremely tough league to escape from with only 2 promotion spots up for grabs. The former method, keeping the wage structure and going for it, will only be an option for one year and likely the route Luton will take should they lose their league status. Fail at the first attempt and it is likely that there will not be enough cash around to hire the current players or pay league loanees.
Survival is even tougher for Luton now, since my last update on the Hatters, they lost in the league and made the mountain taller. Luton are 12 points from safety with just 6 games to go. Just 3 of those at home. Grimsby are catchable but Town would likely need 5 wins and a draw. A huge ask for a team that lost at home 4-2 to Rotherham last week. 
Wembley winners.
Sunday's Trophy win over Scunthorpe may, however, have a part to play in the run-in. Luton will feel invincible right now and will certainly have confidence going into Saturday's must win match at Lincoln.
Lose it and they may be needing their new friends at Johnstone's to send them some paint brushes.
-Bigus
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Dispatches from the Relegation Zone: Mrs. Redknapp Edition
Prose simply cannot do this justice. With apologies to Frank O'Hara:
Am I to become profligate as if I were Darren Bent? Or impracticable
as if I were Welsh?
Each time a Spurs player is knocked off the ball it makes me feel more contemptuous
(and how the same names keep recurring on that interminable
list!), but one of these days there’ll be no Premier League football left with
which to venture forth...
I am the least difficult of men. All I want is a striker who can stick home a header from A HALF-YARD OUT!!
Alas, Harry Redknapp is not one to confront emergency with a meditation. We'd say Harry is a bit more direct than that. He says things like, "My missus could have scored that one!"... and "I was out of my seat to celebrate and David James was waiting to pick the ball out of the net." He says, "I'd send Gareth Bale back to Southampton with a laverbread in return and call it a huge boost considering!" Actually, he didn't say that last part. We'd have liked it if he did.
What else would we like?
Big ups to Bigus on the photoshop
As Spurs supporters (not fans, the only thing I'm fanatical about this moment is never seeing Gareth Bale at left back ever again... let this Dark Night pass!) yes, yes, the supporters-- what we'd like is some competence.
The team is obviously flawed. There's more balance at Bellevue. More depth in my bathtub. But that doesn't excuse utter ineptitude. And that's why Bent's disaster cuts so deep. It's not that a more talented striker would have been more likely to score. It's that an even significantly lesser player would have been no less disappointed with the miss.
This is the story of the Tottenham team. It is a story of individuals failing to do their jobs. In New York, men are landing passenger jets on water. At White Hart Lane, they couldn't head a football into the Thames.
Incompetence.
At Wigan, one week before. This is the team our beloved Harry picked to take on the surging Latics:
Now, here is a verse from the Radiohead song, "Morning Bell."
The lights are on but nobody's home
Everybody wants to be a
The lights are on but nobody's home
Everybody wants to be a singer
Walking walking walking...
Please compare these two bits of poetry-- a teamsheet is a bit like poetry, no? Like ee Cummings maybe. Now tell me, of the above, which is more reasonable? I'd have to say honestly, truly, the Radiohead lyrics make more sense.***
Surely there is a fix. UF's resident Spurs supporter Phil and I bang on about it whenever the subject appears. The menu reads as such: defensive midfield player, new striker, cover in defense, and a backup keeper the manager will use if his starting keeper is crippled on the field of the play. If the Palacios deals goes down, and it's looking good, the midfield would be vastly improved. If he were a hockey player, they'd say of the Honduran, "He finishes his checks." (Not to be confused with the rest of the lot, who just endorse theirs...)
Palacios could be our new age Edgar Davids. Kinda. The Carrick void remains. And will. The left back spot is a gaping hole. I'd try Zokora there. He's a ferocious defender-- a center back in his French league days-- and he's never disappointed when called on to shut down a particular player. Lord knows he can make runs. Let Zokora have a go at left back. Shuffle the three centerbacks. If Bale plays, it's as a winger, though I and everyone else, manager included, prefer O'Hara. Jenas/Huddlestone and Palacios in the middle of the park. Lennon on the wing. Defoe and Mrs. Redknapp up top.
Solved!
***Though you might also say themes of disenchantment and futility run deep in both.
Read more on "Dispatches from the Relegation Zone: Mrs. Redknapp Edition"...
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Dispatches from the Relegation Zone: SPURS edition
You're traveling through another dimension -- a dimension not only of sight and sound but of scoreless draws. A journey into a wasteland whose boundaries are that of Blackpool and Barnsley. That's a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the Relegation Zone!
It's really pretty simple when you think about it... stew on it... sweat it over... and wretch on the details. You take an average club, sell off its two best players-- the top two strikers and most creative men on the field-- and results are going to suffer. Who wouldn't see this coming? What kind of magical thinker could convince himself that moves like these wouldn't have a negative effect on the balance of his team?
Balance? The idea of it is at best a bitter abstraction at times like these-- sitting in last fuckin' place after more than a month of games. For Spurs, for the 2008-2009 Tottenham team, the time for concepts and theories and tactics is over.
There was a point in last friday's Obama-McCain debate when the candidates got into a brief exchange over the difference between a "strategy" and a "tactic." The twitching mongoloid from Arizona told 50 million viewers that his opponent didn't understand the difference. Obama insisted he did, and that McCain's beloved "surge" was indeed a mere "tactic," and certainly not a design for life.
War-Sport anologies may be trite, but so am I and so for that matter is this debacle of a football season. That said, let's jump right in. Juande Ramos is very clever tactician, with the exception of some curious work at Pompey this weekend, he usually brings on the right players, tactically speaking, at the right time. And to his credit, the moves get made on the hour and earlier, giving the sub time to work his way into the game. Where Ramos, the field general, and the chain of command have failed this season is in defining anything that could be remotely confused with a "strategy" for success.
Results come and go. Few humanoid teams in the past decade (well, maybe Martin Jol's Spurs... ugh) have put together more than a season or two of sustained winning; placing in the top 10; competing deep into cup competitions; nicking at the heels of a Big Four straggler. Lack of funds, the manager merry-go-round, and the general emotional instability of fans, players, and owners are usually to blame. It's hard to develop a team when its very DNA is called into question after a bad afternoon in August. But it is even more difficult, perhaps impossible, to do so when there is no understanding among the "brain trust" that one summer, or three players, or a new diet plan does not ensure continued quality. Results come and go. Quality is sustainable.
Shit. Football.
For Tottenham, beloved by us and ours for oftentimes shambolic displays of attacking and defenseless football, the latest tease began with the thievery of Ramos from Spain. The Sevilla man had a reputation for injecting his style into a side. The roster would surely turn over a bit from Year One to Two, but a "strategy" was now in place. Get "Ramos guys"-- big strikers, attacking fullbacks, a speedy winger-- and the program would take over. (Cue Rick Pitino: "See that door?? Dani Alves is not coming through that door!")
When there is a strategy and the players are purchased in accordance to its themes, the tactics become simple. They are written into the roster. But what has become more evident everytime this year's team steps on to the pitch is that they remain a slave to tactics. Matchups are assessed. Reaction is the rule. There is no best XI at White Hart Lane this season, just a team du jour. And no matter how clever the angles, it has been the same result. Adjust. Tinker. Rarely has this team played its own game, imposed their style (attacking? remember?) on the opponent. And on those few occasions, always the same problem. No one here can score a goal.
Pavlyuchenko scores in London! Presumably these two gave him plenty of time on the ball...
It really is remarkable... life here in the Relegation Zone. Six games played. Zero wins. Four Losses and two draws. In those six matches not A SINGLE legitimate goal. You know, goals! Like when a full back makes a run, drops the ball off to a midfield player who boots an inswinging cross into the box, where a striker awaits to level home on the half-volley. That's how teams score goals, I'm told.
Spurs, bottom of the barrel, have netted four this season, just three directed in by a carcass in a white shirt. There was the own-goal from David Wheater at Middlesbrough, the heinous giveaway by the Chelsea defense that set up Bent at the Bridge, Jenas closing his eyes and sticking his toe out at home to Sunderland, and the deflection off Bent's knee (he was looking off into space) in garbage time against Villa.
Oh, how far off this is...
Could this whole mess turn around with a good result next weekend? Maybe. Maybe Bent starts scoring some. Maybe David Bentley plays like the England player he's stopped ploclaiming himself to be. And maybe McCain staffers lose track of Sarah Palin at a Toys'R'Us and she gets devoured two limbs at a time by a pack of vengeful moose. Maybe...
A more Likely plan-- back to Spurs again-- is to stop and reassess. It may be early, but that's precisely the time when it gets late these days. Autumn is here and fleeting and Winter is sooner than we'd imagine. The days will be short real soon. So now is the time to confront reality. Tottenham is in a releation battle and should treat it as such. It is again, ironically as if it needed saying, the time for "tactics." That means fuck off with the UEFA Cup, and Carling and FA Cups. Move up. Stay alive. Score a goal.
The season starts now.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Dispatches from the Relegation Zone
UF has a sterling track record of letting supporters of all stripes have their say-- always with a composed, balanced prose-- on their club. Yes, Bigus and his Canary Love may have slipped through the editorial cracks, but that fact that even three percent of his lust letters to Darren Huckerby actually get posted to the site is proof enough. Shit, my hero Joep wrote like a thousand words on Holland's group stage play during the Euros.
For the reason stated above, and because he's the man, I'd like to introduce you all to Captain Fulhamerica. He's an American ex-pat, living in London, and spending-- like so many other American ex-pats have-- his Saturday afternoons at Craven Cottage. Always a proper footy fan, and something of a 'keeper in his time, the Captain has kept me entertained with his dispatches from the relegation zone for some time now. Enjoy...
Headed home...
They called him "McGod"-- some of them at least-- and now he's gone. The man who for so many seasons near single-headedly kept Fulham afloat is now in Chicago, where we imagine the ghost of Jimmy Bullard will haunt his dreams. It's life after McBride for those crazy Cottagers and their evident despair (wait foooor it...) is a testament to the club's annual flirtation with the drop. The question this season then, as always, is whether Fulham can find some kind of drama that doesn't involve the threat of bus trips to Norwich and Scunthorpe.
(TLL note: the following "interview" has been culled from a wide-ranging email exchange that goes back to before Fulham's Saturday defeat at Hull.)
The Likely Lad: Captain, your thoughts on the upcoming season?
Gera will be our best signing hands down. The guy is an absolute Stud. Captain of the Hungarian team, was by far the Baggies best player last year and we got him on a Free how? Blows my mind. Our wings actually look excellent with Simon Davies easily being our top performer last year and again, Gera is just class.
Now, the Middle is the issue (mid and defending…). Who do we play? We have Bullard (well overrated, yea I said it… takes a mean free kick but that’s it. I've seen him play about 246 stupid balls that have almost and sometimes actually materialised in gift goals for the opposition, been taking loads of stupid shots when we have 1 – 3 people in much better positions on breaks… wouldn’t mind offloading him for 5 million quid if we could get it, given his dodgy knee and all…). Who else – D Murph, who I believe will be captain, he's a little less risky than Bullard, which is both good and bad. Andreasson and Andanik both more defensive minded but both REALLY REALLY good in my opinion… looking forward to watching these two get their time in. Andreasson is our only ‘hard’ guy.
Defence – Stoor was a huge signing on the right, hope to see him in their over Pantsil. Better both defensively and offensively… no brainer Roy, do the right thing… Konch on the left is decent, a bit overrated as well I think as ive seen him get burned quite a bit last year, but by the end he strengthened up and started making good runs. Hope this keeps up.
In the middle, the jolly giant Hangeland has been quite good actually, another captain candidate, but against the likes of LPool and Manure, he looked crossed up… granted that’s with most teams’ backs though. Hughes – other central defender, hes good. Not Great, but good. Waltzing Mark Schwartzer is money, good upgrade although I did love Keller (TLL note: Dude, seriously?)(almost caught his Jersey when we won at Reading, after our first win in roughly 32,572,468 away matches… cue the Great Escape tune!)
I'd like to see one more signing, another strong center back if possible… we've done a lot of other strengthening in terms of our squad so we have depth, but that's my starting XI.
When the inevitable injuries start piling up, we'll start throwing in our bench, which looks like our starting squad from last year. That's OK, I guess, but I’m not up for another season as frustrating as the last.
Captain Fulhamerica's next paragraph began with the words: "Off to Hull for the weekend..." He then goes on to hedge about how many points he'd expect his lads to take off the newbies, eventually settling on settling for a draw. He also called Gera "The Magyar Magician," which, if Saturday was any indication, may well prove prescient... ho ho! The Captain ended his screed by predicting an 11th place finish (TLL note: Hey, that's my club' slot!)
The Likely Lad: What was that you just said about Bullard? You'd be playing at Coventry... or Norwich if it wasn't for his "246 stupid balls."
The nerve to call this lad unattractive!
Don’t get me wrong. I very much do enjoy Jimmy B, he’s the sweetheart of the team, the jokester, one of those guys that could kick you in the bollocks but you’d have to forgive him just looking at his endearing smile (even though he is quite ugly if I must say so myself).
He’s been our most creative player along with Dempsey, but the ratio of creativeness to goals isn’t too high, to be honest and sometimes quite dangerous as stated before. He works really hard too, constantly all over the pitch but gets caught moving forward too often leaving our mid wiiiiiiiiide open. I’m telling you, pair him up with Andanik in the middle rather than Murph and we might be on to something.
Speaking of Dempsey, remember the Americans? He’ll make a few sub appearances but shouldn’t be starting over Gera. Boca gone, Keller gone, McLegend will be forever missed... and Eddie Johnson: his sole use is for songs along the lines of "Your wife is gonna leave you cos we got two Johnsons"... stuff like that.
The Likely Lad (on Monday): So big fella, how was the trip? Who had a worse weekend, Spurs or Fulham. Tell us of your travels!The train up to Hull found myself having a few with some Spuds on the way up to Borough. They were optimistic about the season and rightfully so (TLL: The Captain has put off panic mode, for everyone, for this week at least), they agreed that a 12th spot finish would be doable for my (not so) mighty Fulham as well. But we aren’t here to talk about Spuds anyway is we… (TLL: Certainly not. Thank God.)
Lets just hope Roy Roy really does have that much of an impact in terms of the spirit of the lads, as he showed once again his tactics are sub-par. Why on earth would he start Seol? I wasn’t surprised (or happy) to see Bullard and Murph pair up in the middle either, and to be honest after the first 20 minutes I was fairly confident the result would be roughly 5 – 0 to the whites.
Then, as Fulham often do, we stopped playing. Just stopped, played as though we won the match already and stopped going in hard for tackles and the first/second balls other than Pantsil, surprisingly, who seemed to play the hardest along with waltzing Mark Schwartzer…
Nevertheless, we needed a substitution at roughly the 60 minute mark. We all noticed it in the Fulham end. All shouting to bring on fresh legs, maybe spark some inspiration in the rest of the lads but no – then Konch makes the mistake and we're down 2-1. Then the 70th minute, still no subs. 80th minute and still no subs… Taking off Zamora in the 85th minute as your first sub? That’s a fairly shotty job if you ask me. I guess we just have to have faith he’ll sort it out…
Gera – shocking. He could’ve had a hat trick in the first half alone but didn’t even get a shot off. Im still confused about that. Simon Davies, as per usual, good game that goes unnoticed to the untrained eye (BBC and the like…).
Positives from the day – the usual Away banterdom b/w fans. Hull's support were brilliant and got their lads moving. Got me out of my seat more than Fulham did and made the trip worth while, to be honest. There was also that first 20 minutes: We looked like a Prem team who cared as well.
Oh well, in for another frustrating season? I sure hope not… Bring on the Arsenal!!!
So there you have it folks. Direct from the frontline. The battle for 17th place continues on Saturday, at the Cottage, against those ghastly Gooners. Until then, let's send our best to Captain Fulhamerica!
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