UF Quick Throw: Some Beckham Deal Close to Being Dzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz [Updated]

MLS seems content to get nothing and like it. Well, they'll get Becks, but for a shorter time and then he'll probably walk.

Milan claims it is currently negotiating an extension of the loan, through June 30. At that point he'll rejoin the Galaxy. Then at the end of the MLS season, Becks will walk for free, as he has the option to opt out of his contract in November. Then he'll rejoin Milan in January when the transfer window opens up.

The Galaxy however are maintaining that Beckham will be back shilling for Herbalife come March 9.

(Oh, and Spectator wants to point out that he called this correctly when nobody else did... Does that mean I have to go dig up the post where we all guessed what would happen?)

[Update after the jump]

Update: As TFA points out below, it is indeed a buy-out clause (although it doesn't seem that there is a figure attached to it in the article). Also, the LA Times is reporting his return date to the Galaxy as July 15. Finally, talk about buying the lead; check out the second-to-last paragraph where it says Becks' next match with Milan is tomorrow in Doha, Qatar. How much more are these friendlies and testimonials worth with Becks in the line-up? Beckham gives Milan even more star power.

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Barca Is Super, Thanks for Asking

Well F.C. Barca might be in a bit of a slide on the pitch as the race for La Liga tightens, but a certain group of supporters thinks that the Blaugrana still look fabulous.

The first gay and lesbian football supporters' group to be officially accepted by a Spanish club has pinned its shield to the wall of Barcelona's stadium and vowed to fight prejudice in one of the world's most homophobic sports.

To celebrate, the fans then pinned each other. Hey-O!

Anyway, Barcelona has gay supporters. They're official. And they're pissed.

Continues the Guardian: "When England's football players took on Spain in Seville a fortnight ago, journalists were watching home fans so hard for racist abuse that they failed to notice how Beckham was subjected to a barrage of homophobic insults. 'They spent more than a minute chanting "Beckham maricón" ("Beckham faggot"), said the peña's spokesman, Josep Ribes. 'We lodged a complaint about that.'"

Ooh, I bet that complaint was strongly worded, but on just the loveliest stationery you've ever seen.

Anyway, if you check the video above, Ribes is right. You can clearly hear the chant, and it's far more musical that any of us would have thought.

We're pretty tolerant around these parts. If two guys want to do each other up the pooper, God love them for it. We're also a little surprised because we'd think that mere homophobia is a step in the right direction from abject racism. It's almost as if Spain is maturing before our ears.

Also, why the hell are Barca supporters, even gay ones, upset about this? A) You're Spanish. Becks is English. That's your opponent, you're supposed to hurl insults at him. B) You're a Barca fan. Becks played for Real Madrid, your rival, you're supposed to hurl insults at him. Finally, "Beckham, tus zapatos son feos" doesn't have the same catchy simplicity as "Beckham maricón."

Spain already has some of the most progressive same-sex marriage laws in Europe (or the world or that matter), not that that makes up for a stadium-wide chant, but on balance, they gays in Spain are probably already ahead in the game. Oh, and Becks is kind of gay. So there's that too.

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Monday Was Becks Manning Day

If you needed any more proof that David Beckham would endorse anything and everything under sun, look no further.



Well, it's not exactly accurate. Deadspin was presented by Beck's, the beer not the walking billboard, but Bigus provided this nice little mock up.

Fear not loyal readers, since Lingering Bursitis is away on vacation, we are free to write about Beckham without fear of reprisal.

Yesterday marked the revealing of the 2009 Beckham calendar. Wonderful. Just what a I need Beckham 365. We should send one to LB for his birthday.



That's his Colt Magnum look.



Newsie.

More to be found at Kickette.

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Becks on Broadway

As if being on Sesame Street wasn't enough for Goldenballs, there is word that the blonde midfielder's storied life and career is being adapted for the stage. Yes, a Beckham musical is being written and readied for a stint on London's West End, thus ousting Legally Blonde at the top of the list of "Most Unnecessary Musicals Ever."

Lord, help us all. We can only hope the comedy factor is so high that they bring it to New York.



From The Telegraph:

"Beckham’s story is a modern-day fairytale of heroes, villains, love, Manchester United and what it means to lead your country," explained Mark Archer, the songwriter behind this celebration of Beckham’s first 33 years. "His rise from obscurity to international stardom, his universally acknowledged gifts as a supreme sportsman, and his Hollywood lifestyle all have the elements of an aspirational fable.

"With football and celebrity now firmly established as new secular Western religions, The Theatre of Dreams is set within a cheering football stadium – the modern-day church. The music is powerful, gospel-like rock to establish clearly football and Manchester United as a religion."

Oh Archer, you think you're so bloody deep, don't you?

Hidden within the thin veil of credibility, the simple fact remains: Archer fancies himself a decent, swift payday. Is there anything in Becks' life that's worth transposing to bad music, glaring lighting and wooden performances? (Besides, perhaps, his entire career in LA that's been staged just like that)

Besides, Archer, what are you really after?

"With half the world supporting United and the rest worshipping Beckham, a musical about the iconic life of the Beckhams would be certain to attract huge attention," Archer added.

A-ha, thanks for answering my suspicions just two paragraphs further down the page.

So what to make of the art itself? Are there any sample lyrics or early glimpses at the musical's structure? Why, thankfully, there are.

From the song The Promised Land, a thoughtful meditation of life in England in the nineties:

Talk about football coming home,
And then one night in Rome,
We were strong, we had grown,
And now I see Ince ready for war,
Gazza good as before,
Shearer certain to score,
And Psycho screaming.

Brilliant stuff. Football's coming home, a nice nod to the Three Lions song for England's Euro '96 campaign, and the rest, while rhyming, sounds utterly un-captivating.

There's more! A look at a song detailing his struggles to perform under manager Glenn Hoddle as France '98 loomed:

You spin me around and point me in the wrong direction,
Always walking over me and putting me down, You treat me like a fool,
You know you have lost affection,
And I won’t play these mind games any more.

While it's surely flattering for Becks and, as the article points out, a sure sign of his place in English affections, is it really necessary? Does it do anything beyond furthering Mark Archer's time in the spotlight and his bank balance? Isn't there something a little absurd about a Beckham musical? Will there be a tune about his days wasting away in Los Angeles?

And, more importantly, if this footballer-musical genre were to really take off, can't we all think of a million footballers worth their shot at Broadway success before Becks? How about Maradona? George Best (although that one might be a tad too pornographic)? Ronaldo?

Who else do you think could be musical-worthy?

In the meantime, we wait and weep at the thought of this overrated bugger getting a lot more media time. Look out for David Beckham - The Theater of Dreams appearing in a theater near you, hopefully never. I pray that this is just an April Fool's a few months early.

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Becks will finally learn his A-B-Cs...

Grover would be a considerable upgrade over Cronin

... but can Aloysius Snuffleupagus teach him the value of teamwork?

Hopefully this question, along with many more currently burning through my brain, will be answered shortly, with the news that Becks himself will be on Sesame Street. All my life, I've waited for this, and I'm sure Beckham has too. Years of difficult interviews and long words will be nothing compared to this veritable cakewalk. Let's hope he remembers the pinball number count.

After the jump, a preview video, and here's The Offside Rules with a much better picture. If they could recruit Elmo, it would be quite the coup. Finally, a defender more animated than Abel Xavier!

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This Week in Hemophiliac Soccer Camps

I know I'm going to hate myself for this, but I promise I'll tread carefully. You see, our friend Beckham is going to do some very nice things for some very grateful children; I just hope he shows up this time.

From the release:

This summer 50 young people with lifelong medical conditions will be fulfilling their dreams with a trip to the David Beckham Football Academy in Greenwich, London. Haemophilia Society Chief Executive, Chris James says:

"All the young people are affected by bleeding disorders like haemophilia, which means that their blood doesn't clot properly. They often suffer painful bleeding and miss out on the sports, hobbies and school trips that their friends can do. That's why the Haemophilia Society will be taking the 50 youngsters on the trip of the lifetime between August 11th and 14th 2008. Although most of the young people need regular injections of medication to stop their bleeding, they will train with a team of coaches hand-selected by David Beckham himself!

"On their three-day trip, they will get the chance to know other young people who understand what they go through, learn about how to cope with their lifelong condition, and play football in the world-class facilities of the David Beckham Academy. It's the first time so many young people with bleeding disorders have gone on this kind of trip, which has been made possible with the sponsorship of Bayer HealthCare."

Yes, Beckham's coaching sick kids this summer, presumably once the Galaxy are knocked out of contention for the MLS title.

It's a grand move for Becks, a guy I really hate to speak fondly of, although I hope he turns up unlike an incident last month with a birthday party he was slated to attend; the bastard didn't turn up despite being paid for the privilege of his rather bland company. [This was the link, which now appears to have vanished into the ether, making me look like a slanderous idiot]

I hope the camp goes well, and that they can learn a lot from one of the biggest stars in the game. That being said, I hope he's not teaching them this move:

[Ugh, I need a shower after this one. I feel unclean. Make jokes so I don't have to!]

Below, Bigus' rendering of what the camp might look like:

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The day after...

So the Spanish have won, making England the biggest underachievers once again, and I'm hoarse of throat from singing the Torres Kop song (well, just the chorus, really) far too much at Kinsale yesterday. Apologies to anyone who now has that refrain permanently embedded in their cerebral cortex.

And so we find ourselves in that frightening void, that scary abyss where championships end and new seasons struggle to kick into life.

What on earth will we do with ourselves for the next month? Should we take up a hobby, like beekeeping, home brewing, or philately? (Actually, the home brewing doesn't sound like such a bad idea)

Or should we look to the MLS for our fix, struggling to find a vein in which to mainline the excitement?

If more matches end up with Beckham and Donovan looking bruised, battered and humiliated, then I might well try.

It's always fun to see Beckham suffer. Really, it is. It ranks high on the list of casual pleasures, to see the tattooed twit from Leytonstone looking well and truly bemused and frustrated. Yesterday was no different; in a smart bit of promotion by ESPN, they put the MLS's centerpiece on TV right before the Spain/Germany match, and while it wasn't quite what they'd hoped for, I certainly enjoyed it.

DC United ran 'em ragged, and I lost track of the number of closeups Beckham received in the game's dying minutes. Each shot seemed to be searching for signs of life or fear in Beckham's eyes, perhaps a flicker of realization that while his bank account is neatly padded (and, ahem, his underpants too), his cultural account might be dangerously close to overdrawn. (I should write for the AP with lines like that)

Simply put, he was an island, a one-man island lost amid a sea of black shirts. No free-kicks just outside the box with which he could drag his team back into contention, and the awful defending from Xavier and friends didn't help either.

Mannix's point about the league needing more Beckhams was, as was his entire article, horribly misguided, because one player can't make that much difference. Just ask Gerrard in that strange pre-Torres year, where teammates looked to him and him alone for inspiration and crucial late goals.

I enjoyed the match greatly, even if the combined forces of advertising and corporate synergy didn't.

I hope to see more shellackings like this before the MLS realizes their transfer monies might be better spent elsewhere.

Here's the match highlights, and some thoughts from one of the better US soccer writers, Steven Goff.

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At Least His Nickname Isn't Eight Belles

For those of you who've never been to the Kentucky Derby, it's actually a full day with 12 races on the card.

The Kentucky Derby, the tenth of the 12, is just the only one people care about or watch, unless you are at Churchill Downs or live in Chicago where the weather is seemingly never going to be nice so you are stuck inside when it's May and still 40 and drizzly out giving you plenty of time to skip back and forth to the full coverage of Derby Day on ESPN.

What's this got to do with futbol?

The last race before the Derby is something called the Woodford Reserve Turf Classic because it's run on turf and it is fucking classic. Probably not, but there is half a million dollars at stake.

More importantly this year there was a horse in it named "Golden Balls." Yes, that is a horse whose moniker was inspired by David Beckham's nickname.

From the Handicapper's Edge

GOLDEN BALLS (Ire) (Danehill Dancer) made a big impression on us with a late-running tally in the La Puente S. last spring and seems poised for a breakthrough win in here. The James Cassidy pupil had an excellent tightener for this when a closing third in the Arcadia H. (G2) and could appreciate the added furlong in today's contest. The chestnut colt has been impressive in his morning drills and should be a solid price in advance of his first graded score.

Whoever wrote that probably needs to get laid. That last sentence couldn't be more laden with sexual innuendo. Although if you believe Posh, "Golden Balls" Becks really is hung like a horse.

Anyway, better to be smart. The winning horse in the Woodford Reserve Turf Classic was named Einstein. And Golden Balls? He finished dead fucking last. This probably wasn't too hard to see coming for people who thought about it. See, the other horses were bound to be moving, and Golden Balls is really only effective on set pieces.

Still, probably not a good omen for his namesake. Then again, he's already in MLS. How much worse could things get?

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And He's Apparently Got an Armadillo in His Trousers

Me and Becks, we're just alike.

Okay, I've never cheesed 2 maybe 3 massive PKs for my country. Shit I don't even sit courtside for Laker games (that is a Laker game isn't it?).

But, if I did, I would totally stare at the Miller Lite girl's ass with the exact same "I want to bend you over and screw you six ways to Saturday and twice on Sunday... oh, and I want your friend over by the baseline to join us" look in my eyes.

Because that's pretty much what his look says.

Although hers kind of says, "Maybe if I stand a little more to the left and bend just a little more... Shit, I probably shouldn't have had the cheesecake for dessert last night after all."

Anyway, take notes Señor Belichick. That is how you ogle.

Use a subtle glance. Taking pictures might work for scouting the opponent's red zone during Super Bowl week, but when you try to do it of college coeds with your camera phone, you look like a creepy old man.


Not even forsaking the Unibomber hoodie for the hat is helping you much.

[Update: Okay, it's not really an update but an 'Oops.' That really is a cell phone in his hand, but that pic is de-TMZ'ed. For a better version click here.]

[Second update: As my friend just asked me, "Since when did David Paymer become an NBA photographer?"]

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A post where I attack Beckham again for no reason

Slow news days are the best, because you get to focus on people and teams that you can't stand, writing all sorts of blithering hate about them.

David Beckham is just one of these people, and although this story isn't really that eye-opening, I couldn't resist.

Despite the average MLS salary rising 12 percent to $129,395, David Beckham still makes 50 times that, and twice as much as the league's next highest player.

Fucking old overrated bastard.

Chicago's Cuauhtemoc Blanco, another fucking old overrated bastard, clocks in at $2.667 million a year, while DC United's Marcelo Gallardo earns a paltry $1.874 million.

From the article:

Forty-six players earn the league minimum of $33,000. Among developmental players, 30 make $17,700 and 43 make $12,900.

The median salary — the point at which an equal amount make above and below — was $61,273 for the 333 players listed. That is up 16 percent from last year's median of $52,965.

And Beckham makes how much? $6.5 fucking million a fucking year? It's a disgrace! He turns 33 in 3 weeks, he's mediocre and ineffectual for the national side, he's unable to corral his fellow mercenaries to win consistently in Los Angeles, and yet he's destroying the delicate balance of the MLS with his ridiculous old contract.

This is why the MLS will never really compete as a world league. The longer that they continue to reach out for aging once-marquee names and tether them to long, expensive contracts, the longer the league will struggle. The MLS is desperate to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with other big domestic leagues around the world, and yet it still hasn't found its identity.

At a cursory glance, the MLS is a blend of fresh-out-of-college prospects and 30-something itinerants, most of whom have retired from their national teams.

I desperately want the MLS to work, and I'd love to be corrected if I'm way off base, but articles like this exhibiting the glaring chasm between Beckham's pay check and everyone else's doesn't help matters much.

Beckham, if you want to help the Galaxy, give them some of that money back to use elsewhere. It's not like you need a third pool in your fourth summer home.

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MLS Roundup: I have no idea what I'm talking about

I was all ready to write a witty post about how terrible the Galaxy are going to be this year, in the wake of their 4-nil beating at the hands of Colorado Rapids. But then Goldenballs and Landycakes spoiled my fun by scoring two nifty goals last night against the back-from-the-dead San Jose Earthquakes and ex-manager/scapegoat Frank Yallop. Meanwhile, any praise that the Revolution might have earned by dismantling the defending champion Houston Dynamo was tempered by their dour showing in Chicago last night. Join me after the jump as we draw some ill-informed conclusions based on a tiny sample size.

The La Galaxy were roundly outplayed last weekend at the Dick, with a shambolic defense featuring Abel Xavier. I should point out that the Rapids were missing a good portion of their first team, and Fernando Clavijo is a terrible, terrible manager. He was supposed to be on his way out last year, but seems to have convinced Stan Kroenke to give him a second chance. Then again, Kroenke’s other coaches (Joel Quineville, George Karl) are also quite adept at getting the least amount possible out of the talent they have to work with, so perhaps Clavijo fits right in. I don’t know what to think of the Rapids, but their big offseason strategy of accumulating DC United castoffs seems to be working so far.

The news got even worse when Carlos Ruiz, the most annoying playing in the league, tore up his knee in the dying minutes of the game. Abel Xavier also picked up suspension for a retaliatory tackle (note: may be a good thing). Shaka Hislop, FC Dallas reject who the Guardian has deemed their MLS “expert” for the season, blamed LA’s ridiculous preseason.

The Galaxy were very poor, and a large part of the reason lies with their pre-season schedule, in which they took on as much traveling in a short spell as I've ever known. I was a member of the Newcastle United squad that went to Singapore before the start of the 1996-97 season, and that took a great toll on us. Indeed, that season saw the eventual departure of Kevin Keegan. The Galaxy's big-name players - David Beckham, Landon Donovan and Abel Xavier - will have been affected by the travelling most because they're all getting on a bit. Xavier, in fact, both gave away a penalty - although I have to agree with LA's complaints about that decision - and was sent off for a second bookable offence in the last few minutes when the game took something of a physical turn.

Yep Shaka, that trip to the Far East was definitely the reason that Keegs flamed out at Toon. Not a complete inability to get along with the boardroom, or a terrible run of form. Getting back to the MLS, the other big result from Saturday, the Rev’s beating of Houston, now looks less impressive after last night’s loss. And LA suddenly looks less like a pub team after comprehensively beating San Jose.

But the MLS, with its generous allocation of playoff spots, rewards teams that peak much later in the season. Shitty results in cold April weather are forgotten by the time summer rolls around. Hell, new Red Bulls coach Juan Carlos Osorio is supposedly still looking to buy three players for this season, even though the season starts for them this weekend. MLS rosters are almost always a work in progress for the first part of the season.

So what do we really know after the first couple of games? Fuck all, that’s what. Call me in a month and we can talk.

A footnote: The comments in the above mentioned Guardian post brought out all the tired stereotypes that most people have of the league. They play on fields with lines! The Peruvian second division is higher quality than the MLS! My favorite League 1/League 2/Blue Square North side would dominate the league! Fat Americans don’t understand soccerball!

My response to these people is to actually sit down and watch a game. It won’t kill you, I promise. And you might be surprised at the product on the field. I hear there are great seats available for many Red Bulls games.


A second footnote: Some of us UFers intend to actually, um, go to an MLS game in the near future. We reserve to change our minds and relentlessly slag off on the league if we are unimpressed with the live experience.

[photo credit: LAtimes.com]

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Stats are much more interesting...No?

Hot Pockets sucks at the weather but owns DC (Donut Consumption)

Part One
---
This morning as the train rumbled through Queens, I turned the page in this weeks Sports Illustrated to find out that Americans don't like soccer. T'was like a slap in the face I tell ya. I had no idea! Why is that? What can we do to fix it? Someone please help, I feel a panic attack coming. Deep breaths Bigus, deep breaths and read on, maybe this article by Chris Ballard will offer some solution. Some kind of hope for the world game in the U.S. of A.

[Ed. Note: the article hasn't gone online yet, but once it does, we'll add the link]

Slurp...(drinking coffee)...mumble (reading aloud) "Sorry" (apologize to my commuting neighbor for loud sigh). Yes. That's it Chris you are a genius. Stats. It's Stats. Americans love stats!!! Give them stats!!!

Mr. Ballard's answer to empty MLS stadiums and low viewing figures was the introduction of stats. Not better football, but better stats.

For instance the introduction of the SC category represents 'Shot Creation'. David Beckham's SC last season was 11.2 over 90 minutes. Three times better than his nearest challenger. He also averaged 87.9 touches per game. But how will this help people enjoy the game more?

Learn to love the poor standards of the MLS.

Well let's bust out the PP stats. PP is 'Possession Percentage'. Last year Jesse Marsch of Chivas USA (who?) led this stat with 81% efficiency in 'getting the ball' and passing the ball successfully. But was he passing forward leading to a successful SC? I would lurrrrrrve to know.

Meanwhile, Yura Movsisyan of the Kansas City Wizards had a rating of 37% which Mr. Ballard informs me is bad. "Fine if you're nine years old and wearing an orange wedge smile for the little ladybugs" he says.

Mr. Ballard fails to point out that Yura is a forward.

Is he expected to drop into midfield, strip the opponent and successfully pass to.....who? Who's upfront waiting to receive his SC? Not him of course... he's too busy in the midfield trying to improve his PP. Yura scored 5 goals in 28 appearances for the Wizards in the 06-07 season. He only played 6 times last season. In 06-07, his PP daddy Jesse Marsch found the net just twice in 33 games. Surely that's terrible for a guy with such a PP rating? Wonder if he had a good SC still? Well that year he had 3 assists. 3! Wow. I'm swooning in my seat.

What about the miles ran per game? 7.1 for Beckham. Wonder if Andy Johnson's is above 10. That would make it the 'Headless Chicken' stat.

[Ed. Note: I refuse to believe that Beckham runs 7.1 miles per game. The distance between the locker room and the center circle isn't nearly that long]

What did we learn from today's lesson on Stats Mr. Ballard? Well we learned that you like them, but that you have no idea what they mean. Yes stats may just save the beautiful game if you want to reduce its tactics, formations and individual roles to pointless numbers.

If Mr. Bullard and I were to be in close proximity, maybe sharing a pint while watching a game, I would make a suggestion or two. Scrap the stats. Goals and cards are the only numbers to be noted.

To fully enjoy football old chap, you have to do just one simple thing: put down the pencil and open your eyes.

Start by watching the Premier League. At least then you will know what the MLS is gunning for.

Part Two
---
Stats may be of no use when watching football but Mr. Ballard's article got me thinking. How could I use stats in everyday life to feel like a winner? To help me get through the day? A day (usually) without stats! What have I been missing?

Right. 6 am. MCI (Morning Coffee Intake) : My average is 3. The outcome? I am buzzed, leading my morning in to a productive efficiency-fest! This stat may help you to get that pay rise your wife has been nagging you to ask for. Drink up readers. Drink up!

I am apparently also ranked highly in UIM (Un-important Instant Messaging). A quick survey of colleagues and it's official: I lead the entire office in this crucial part of my day.

Now onto the highly-competitive WTWE (Web Browse To Work Email). I've been giving those mail room guys a run for their money recently and have an impressive 5-1 score indicating a healthy interest in anything but emails detailing screw-ups made by our news brief guru "Hot Pockets".

Incidentally Hot Pocket's CWP (Correct Weather Plays) is at 81.6 a month. Not bad, unless of course you are not keen on seeing yesterday's weather 18.4 times per every 30 days. Just carry an umbrella and let the guy keep his job I say! He does however excel in DC (Donut Consumption). His average of 45 a week is unrivaled. Well done mate.

"What about my travel stats," you cry! Well I reckon I totally nail TOT or Time on Train in our office, which of course helps me to beat everyone at MWW (Movies Watched per Week).

I am going to start logging PT (Pub Time) too. That and GW, Games Watched which will influence my overall AWP or Angry Wife Percentage, which is already pretty high! Not great if you are logging your overall MNR (Monthly Nookie Rating.)

Finally and most importantly, there is the WBA (Weekly Blog Average). This gives Deadspin's gopher-lipped Gooner David Hirshey a lowly 1 in comparison to my 4. But his IC (Interesting Content) rating is much higher, giving me an all important goal to aim for.

The tie-breaker? UPM of course. That's Useless Points Made. I excel in this category and take blog honors. Get in!

Suck on that Hirshey! Loser!

-Bigus.

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Seriously, David Beckham? Fuck off.

David Beckham.... I am absolutely sick of you. I cannot stand you. I loathe your constant whoring in the media, I despise the fact that you're more one-dimensional than Wimbledon FC circa-1990, and I am having trouble processing the fact that you're in the England squad.

I wish you weren't, but I begrudge you the ceremonial farce that is your 100th cap in a meaningless friendly against France, and I would love to think that we're finished with this issue.

But of course, Beckham could not let a microphone go unpolluted by a soundbite.

He wants to beat Peter Shilton's all-time England caps record.

Beckham.... I fucking hate you.

His quotes are so wonderful. Feast on his brilliance:

"As much as reaching 100 is a milestone, I want to carry on for quite a few years yet. I'd have turned round and retired if I didn't. I wouldn't be here if I felt I couldn't physically do it any more. I feel I can offer something."

For Christ's sake, admit that you're lucky to get to where you are now. And yet, you take that good fortune and media pressure, and you turn it into this? You want 26 more caps? You're 32 and anonymous in actual football matches. You can go fuck yourself.

You don't deserve it, not by a considerable margin. We have years of un-creative management decisions to thank for the fact that you even got as close as you did to 100, let alone making it to the century itself.

Of course, you can't keep your mouth shut, can you? You weren't finished with that last quote, not by a long shot:

"I've never had a major amount of pace. If I get two or three yards I'll put the ball where we need to score. I'm always going to, whether I'm playing in Spain, England or the US. I can switch from playing in the US to playing on Wednesday against one of the best teams in the world.

We have been on tour and played a few games. I've got the fitness I needed. Ruud Gullit [his coach at LA Galaxy] has been working us hard, doing double sessions, for the last three weeks. It has been good for me."

Please, just stop. Seriously. Enjoy your 100th, thank your lucky stars that you made it this far, and please... stop bothering the world with your talking. Go enjoy your ugly robot wife, and be happy with your pile of money.

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Meet Your "New" Football Overlords

"The more things change, the more they stay the same," "What was old is new again," and probably a million other tired cliches describe two cause celebs who you, our fair reader, might know by name: David Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo. What do these two have in common, other than poncy good looks? They are the two most recognizable faces of English football, even though one currently plays in the MLS and the other happens to be Portugese.

This was a good week for Becks and Ronaldo. Beckham was invited to earn his 100th English cap (I was right!). The not-fat Ronaldo broke George Best's scoring record while, baring the proverbial unthinkable collapse, looks set to earn Player of the Year. (As an aside, the past month has confirmed what I've felt all season, that Man U and not Arsenal has the depth to win the Premiership. It has felt inevitable, like a long-simmering indigestion that has now turned into a full-blown ennui.)

So, we have the aging Beckham, who admittedly hasn’t played a meaningful game of football in 87 months, about to play a meaningless friendly, get his 100th cap, give Capello a bit of good press, and then fade back into the woodwork of southern Californian obscurity. As Lingering Bursitis said, "the idea of Beckham wearing the 3 Lions again makes me nauseous."

And then there is Cristiano Ronaldo, who this week somehow managed to break down Bolton's defense (didn't see that one coming, huh?), bested George Best's scoring record with his 32 and 33rd goals, earned yet more Demento accolades as being the greatest player ever, oh and don't forget that he's only 23 years old. As the NY Kid said, "Ronaldo is a fucking sunty useless twat cuntbag."

What is it about top players who, in the prime of their careers earn such deserved scorn, and then in the twilight of their careers earn such deserved glee? Maybe it is that the Beckhams and Ronaldos are always the lodestars for sport, just as Jordan was for the NBA in the 1990s, Brady was for the NFL in the 2000s, etc. etc. The thing that these players have in common is, at bottom, they are incredibly uninteresting people whose only talent is on the pitch or on the court or on the field. We look forward to the day that their skills fade because we know that such decline is inevitable and that, while opposing teams are helpless to stop such players, than time surely will.

Although, sometimes it isn't time but hubris that can lead to a player's downfall. In other words, it isn't time but rather lack of motivation or lack of focus that brings down top players. It is hard to say that about either Beckham or Ronaldo.

For all his talent, both in playing football and in marketing, Beckham really was never a dominate player on the pitch, but rather the consummate big play player (unless that big play was getting a red card in the World Cup).

Ronaldo is dissimilar because, begrudgingly, at the moment he is playing football at a different level than the rest of the world. Unless he suffers a major injury, it will be at least a decade before Ronaldo enters into the sort of decline that Beckham now finds himself. That leaves us with a lot of suffering in the meantime. Oh, and that suffering includes Man U fans when Ronaldo decides to leave chilly Manchester for the warmer climate of the Iberian Peninsula.

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David Beckham: not liked by Norwich schoolchildren

It's been a while since I had the chance to skewer Beckham, but it appears that his time might finally be up -- thanks to the children and toddlers of Norwich.

As more and more schoolchildren aspire to being megastars and massive celebrities, the kids of Norwich have their eyes on more practical professions like builder, fireman and steelworker.

Way to go, Norwich.

According to the Norwich Evening news, children they talked to idolized few celebrities, and the ones they did look up to included Hilary Duff and Frank fucking Lampard. [wrap your head around that one].

In addition, they wanted to take on everyday jobs, shunning the vacuous pursuits popularized by Beckham and his ugly robot wife.

However, they know that it's not all easy work, like the potential problems of being a scientist.Said seven-year-old Keira Poulton:

“If you were a scientist, you could make a potion that could accidently poison someone which would be very bad.”

Much like watching Spurs games every week.

I realize this story has a rather tenuous link to football, but at the end of the day, it's good to know that not every child is chasing the vainglory of the David Beckham or Ronaldinho lifestyle.

So, Mr. Beckham, I implore you: become a builder now. It's the only way for you to salvage any self-respect.

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Beckham Watch: Friday Edition

Rumors abound that Victoria Beckham and ergo her husband, David Beckham, are displeased with life in America. David's inaugural season with LA Galaxy was a huge disappointment due to his fragility and Posh Spice has not had much luck becoming an older, more plastic version of Paris Hilton. So much so, that they are reportedly shopping for a Chelsea home.

Even more troubling, it appears David's Asian popularity is on the wane, or perhaps was never that high. Perhaps it seemed high because he was on a team in Madrid full of many superstars, or Galacticos as it were, that had huge drawing power. This has to eat into the revenue sharing he has on jersey sales. (Don't forget, the US dollar is weaker than Derby County's back line his salary has to be incredibly low compared to what it could have been back in Europe.)

Naturally, to get away from this stress, the Beckhams went shopping for sex toys in public.

The couple visited Hollywood's notorious Pleasure Chest adult store where they purchased massage oil, personal lubricant, a Cyberskin vibrator, a leather braided cane and a padded black collar and restraint.

Clearly this means something. I don't know what, but it means something. Probably that these two are the biggest media whores ever.

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Team Beckham Has Another Recruit

Real Madrid midfielder and former David Beckham teammate Jose Maria Gutierrez Hernandez, better known as Guti, is getting all sorts of play in the Spanish media. And, by play, I mean pictures of open-mouthed kisses with other men splayed across the tabloids (that's him on the left, I believe).

Guti is married to Arancha de Benito (and many more NSFW photos can be found on a Google image search) but she has said they are “tak[ing] a break” from their eight-year marriage.

Let’s all be honest here, this really isn’t news in the United States except for the tenuous David Beckham connection. Plus, it’s not like this guy has come out of the closet like John Amaechi and who knows it could just be a photograph of the traditional Spanish cheek-kiss greeting that makes it look like it’s got some hot gay tongue-action.

I’m not here to judge, but let’s be clear about one thing, this is all a result of David Beckham’s influence. He led Guti down this path and he will lead Landycakes down the same path (although, some would argue he is already there…not me of course).

[Picture: Pinknews.com]

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Look out Edmonton, the circus is here

10 bucks says he didn't sign that himself.

It's no secret that I hate David Beckham. I've taken every possible opportunity to lay into the guy, the feckless wreck of free-kick fame, modeling, and having an ugly robot for a wife. [NSFW if you're Mormon, probably] His public speaking is overshadowed by his public fawning for whoever is England manager, and quite frankly, I'm sick of the bastard.

But I'll be damned if he doesn't keep popping up in slow news days and giving me something to rant on.

Well, here it is. People of Edmonton be forewarned: Lord Beckham cometh!

The LA Galaxy, club of Landycakes, Lalas and Gullit the Clueless, are taking bookings for their exhibition touring schedule, and the Vancouver Whitecaps are this week's winners. The two teams will meet at Edmonton's Commonwealth Stadium on May 13, and already the praise is flowing about the universe's favourite footballing retard. Gushed Whitecaps president Bob Lenarduzzi:

"No one is kidding themselves. People are coming to see David Beckham...Beckham transcends the sport of soccer."

Galaxy GM Alexei Lalas took his chance to chime in, proving that hyperbole is not just a Canadian quirk:

[This game is] a spectacle, a moment in time. You are going to see something very different. You are going to want to say that you were there on May 13."

He's right, you know. People will define their lives by the exact point in time when they were 1000 feet from a washed-up football player. It's so true. Really.

The two teams did meet last November, albeit to a crowd of only 48,172, much lower than expected due to a Beckham injury that forced the date to be rescheduled and for tickets to be refunded. The Whitecaps expect a sell-out of 60,000 strong at the game in May, a date that can also be moved if Beckham is unable to play [he's contractually obligated to play at least 45 minutes of the game at his meandering loll].

Lenarduzzi is expecting things to go well, and that this should open the door for more high-profile games at Commonwealth Stadium, like a Barcelona, Real Madrid or Chelsea. I can see the joy in Shevchenko's eyes already.

Responses on the Edmonton Journal's web site have been less than flattering so far:

Kevin
Wed, Feb 13, 08 at 06:15 PM
Save your money Edmontonians. The game here was horrible the sport of soccer is too boring to ever take off in North America. It was a complete waste of money.

tammy
Thu, Feb 14, 08 at 02:12 PM
We went to the whitecaps/galaxy game in van last nov. Was a OK show, but not worth the money we paid for it.

Doug
Thu, Feb 14, 08 at 02:28 PM
I don't understand the hype around this guy and I have little respect for soccer players in general. A player can make a fantastic move and land on his head while scoring and then get up and celebrate, but if someone touches his shin he'll fall to the ground like a little baby. There is no comparison to any soccer player to the likes of a hockey player like Ryan Smith

[Ed. Note: I believe that Doug is just Skip Bayless in disguise.]

So get hyped, Edmonton! May 13 is the date of a lifetime! Spend it with Beckham and his overhyped wizardry!

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Clever Sod!

This morning I was reading the BBC football page on the train as normal. Spurs conned into buying an SPL defender. Dennis Wise to get a 'made up' title at Newcastle. Traitor Butcher thinking about becoming Scottish number two. What a jerk. Well he did play for the scum so what did I expect. Burley and Butcher. Two ex bin men. What more reason do I need to ignite a new hatred for Scotland? (Oh alright...I've always hated Scotland...There!)

Right! Back to the reason for this post......

Nestled at the bottom of the 'whats in the papers' section I found this gem.....

"David Beckham is planning to open a football academy in Brazil. The
former England captain already has academies in London and Los Angeles."

Now.... I like our former captain as much as the next Englishman. But this had me rolling. I'm not sure Brazil needs the help of Becks to breed more irritating trick laden flashy long haired Brazilians. Then it dawned on me. Becks is our saviour! He is going there to stop all that nonsense. He is going to teach them the good old long ball game. He's doing us a favor! The Kaka's of the future may well be.... Kaka! Good old David! Saving English football once again!

-Bigus

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Beckham's PR Machine doesn't come with a "Match Fitness" setting

Don't cry for me, Argentina-beater...
[Photo Credit: dailymail.co.uk]

Fabio Capello, in an unprecedented display of balls [other than the ones Mark Roberts regularly puts on show], is leaning towards omitting Beckham from his much-publicized first England squad for the friendly against Switzerland.

They might have shared a buddy-buddy history since their days together at Real Madrid, but Capello's not sold on the dog-and-pony show this time around.

The big question in Capello's eyes is Beckham's fitness; not only does he play in the MLS, but their season ended ages ago and a couple of photo ops thinly disguised as "training sessions" with Arsenal don't exactly pass for match fitness these days, and nor should they!

Beckham spends far too much time talking, and not nearly enough time doing. As I noted in the Point/Counterpoint on this sticky subject, Beckham's past it, and he isn't going to get better. I struggle to recall the last time he played a meaningful, influential full 90 minute game, and I'm sure that given his limited intellect, he'd be hard pushed to recall it too.

It's a drop in the bucket when you put it into context, but I give Capello some minor kudos for this course of action if it pans out [Fabio plans to meet with Becks next week to hear it for himself].

In the past, evidence of Beckham being able to walk in a straight line for 10 steps was normally enough to get him named to an England squad, so this is a refreshing change. Capello's been telling Brooking and Barwick at the FA that they won't have any influence over his squad selection, and this is the biggest indication of that to date.

Beckham can still take free kicks, but that's about it. Hopefully if Capello's going to give him the 100th cap any time soon, it'll be earned on merit and fitness instead of his smooth PR campaigns.

PS. Hirshey -- what does this say about Arsenal's training sessions?

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