Seriously, David Beckham? Fuck off.

David Beckham.... I am absolutely sick of you. I cannot stand you. I loathe your constant whoring in the media, I despise the fact that you're more one-dimensional than Wimbledon FC circa-1990, and I am having trouble processing the fact that you're in the England squad.

I wish you weren't, but I begrudge you the ceremonial farce that is your 100th cap in a meaningless friendly against France, and I would love to think that we're finished with this issue.

But of course, Beckham could not let a microphone go unpolluted by a soundbite.

He wants to beat Peter Shilton's all-time England caps record.

Beckham.... I fucking hate you.

His quotes are so wonderful. Feast on his brilliance:

"As much as reaching 100 is a milestone, I want to carry on for quite a few years yet. I'd have turned round and retired if I didn't. I wouldn't be here if I felt I couldn't physically do it any more. I feel I can offer something."

For Christ's sake, admit that you're lucky to get to where you are now. And yet, you take that good fortune and media pressure, and you turn it into this? You want 26 more caps? You're 32 and anonymous in actual football matches. You can go fuck yourself.

You don't deserve it, not by a considerable margin. We have years of un-creative management decisions to thank for the fact that you even got as close as you did to 100, let alone making it to the century itself.

Of course, you can't keep your mouth shut, can you? You weren't finished with that last quote, not by a long shot:

"I've never had a major amount of pace. If I get two or three yards I'll put the ball where we need to score. I'm always going to, whether I'm playing in Spain, England or the US. I can switch from playing in the US to playing on Wednesday against one of the best teams in the world.

We have been on tour and played a few games. I've got the fitness I needed. Ruud Gullit [his coach at LA Galaxy] has been working us hard, doing double sessions, for the last three weeks. It has been good for me."

Please, just stop. Seriously. Enjoy your 100th, thank your lucky stars that you made it this far, and please... stop bothering the world with your talking. Go enjoy your ugly robot wife, and be happy with your pile of money.