Becks on Broadway

As if being on Sesame Street wasn't enough for Goldenballs, there is word that the blonde midfielder's storied life and career is being adapted for the stage. Yes, a Beckham musical is being written and readied for a stint on London's West End, thus ousting Legally Blonde at the top of the list of "Most Unnecessary Musicals Ever."

Lord, help us all. We can only hope the comedy factor is so high that they bring it to New York.



From The Telegraph:

"Beckham’s story is a modern-day fairytale of heroes, villains, love, Manchester United and what it means to lead your country," explained Mark Archer, the songwriter behind this celebration of Beckham’s first 33 years. "His rise from obscurity to international stardom, his universally acknowledged gifts as a supreme sportsman, and his Hollywood lifestyle all have the elements of an aspirational fable.

"With football and celebrity now firmly established as new secular Western religions, The Theatre of Dreams is set within a cheering football stadium – the modern-day church. The music is powerful, gospel-like rock to establish clearly football and Manchester United as a religion."

Oh Archer, you think you're so bloody deep, don't you?

Hidden within the thin veil of credibility, the simple fact remains: Archer fancies himself a decent, swift payday. Is there anything in Becks' life that's worth transposing to bad music, glaring lighting and wooden performances? (Besides, perhaps, his entire career in LA that's been staged just like that)

Besides, Archer, what are you really after?

"With half the world supporting United and the rest worshipping Beckham, a musical about the iconic life of the Beckhams would be certain to attract huge attention," Archer added.

A-ha, thanks for answering my suspicions just two paragraphs further down the page.

So what to make of the art itself? Are there any sample lyrics or early glimpses at the musical's structure? Why, thankfully, there are.

From the song The Promised Land, a thoughtful meditation of life in England in the nineties:

Talk about football coming home,
And then one night in Rome,
We were strong, we had grown,
And now I see Ince ready for war,
Gazza good as before,
Shearer certain to score,
And Psycho screaming.

Brilliant stuff. Football's coming home, a nice nod to the Three Lions song for England's Euro '96 campaign, and the rest, while rhyming, sounds utterly un-captivating.

There's more! A look at a song detailing his struggles to perform under manager Glenn Hoddle as France '98 loomed:

You spin me around and point me in the wrong direction,
Always walking over me and putting me down, You treat me like a fool,
You know you have lost affection,
And I won’t play these mind games any more.

While it's surely flattering for Becks and, as the article points out, a sure sign of his place in English affections, is it really necessary? Does it do anything beyond furthering Mark Archer's time in the spotlight and his bank balance? Isn't there something a little absurd about a Beckham musical? Will there be a tune about his days wasting away in Los Angeles?

And, more importantly, if this footballer-musical genre were to really take off, can't we all think of a million footballers worth their shot at Broadway success before Becks? How about Maradona? George Best (although that one might be a tad too pornographic)? Ronaldo?

Who else do you think could be musical-worthy?

In the meantime, we wait and weep at the thought of this overrated bugger getting a lot more media time. Look out for David Beckham - The Theater of Dreams appearing in a theater near you, hopefully never. I pray that this is just an April Fool's a few months early.