Stats are much more interesting...No?

Hot Pockets sucks at the weather but owns DC (Donut Consumption)

Part One
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This morning as the train rumbled through Queens, I turned the page in this weeks Sports Illustrated to find out that Americans don't like soccer. T'was like a slap in the face I tell ya. I had no idea! Why is that? What can we do to fix it? Someone please help, I feel a panic attack coming. Deep breaths Bigus, deep breaths and read on, maybe this article by Chris Ballard will offer some solution. Some kind of hope for the world game in the U.S. of A.

[Ed. Note: the article hasn't gone online yet, but once it does, we'll add the link]

Slurp...(drinking coffee)...mumble (reading aloud) "Sorry" (apologize to my commuting neighbor for loud sigh). Yes. That's it Chris you are a genius. Stats. It's Stats. Americans love stats!!! Give them stats!!!

Mr. Ballard's answer to empty MLS stadiums and low viewing figures was the introduction of stats. Not better football, but better stats.

For instance the introduction of the SC category represents 'Shot Creation'. David Beckham's SC last season was 11.2 over 90 minutes. Three times better than his nearest challenger. He also averaged 87.9 touches per game. But how will this help people enjoy the game more?

Learn to love the poor standards of the MLS.

Well let's bust out the PP stats. PP is 'Possession Percentage'. Last year Jesse Marsch of Chivas USA (who?) led this stat with 81% efficiency in 'getting the ball' and passing the ball successfully. But was he passing forward leading to a successful SC? I would lurrrrrrve to know.

Meanwhile, Yura Movsisyan of the Kansas City Wizards had a rating of 37% which Mr. Ballard informs me is bad. "Fine if you're nine years old and wearing an orange wedge smile for the little ladybugs" he says.

Mr. Ballard fails to point out that Yura is a forward.

Is he expected to drop into midfield, strip the opponent and successfully pass to.....who? Who's upfront waiting to receive his SC? Not him of course... he's too busy in the midfield trying to improve his PP. Yura scored 5 goals in 28 appearances for the Wizards in the 06-07 season. He only played 6 times last season. In 06-07, his PP daddy Jesse Marsch found the net just twice in 33 games. Surely that's terrible for a guy with such a PP rating? Wonder if he had a good SC still? Well that year he had 3 assists. 3! Wow. I'm swooning in my seat.

What about the miles ran per game? 7.1 for Beckham. Wonder if Andy Johnson's is above 10. That would make it the 'Headless Chicken' stat.

[Ed. Note: I refuse to believe that Beckham runs 7.1 miles per game. The distance between the locker room and the center circle isn't nearly that long]

What did we learn from today's lesson on Stats Mr. Ballard? Well we learned that you like them, but that you have no idea what they mean. Yes stats may just save the beautiful game if you want to reduce its tactics, formations and individual roles to pointless numbers.

If Mr. Bullard and I were to be in close proximity, maybe sharing a pint while watching a game, I would make a suggestion or two. Scrap the stats. Goals and cards are the only numbers to be noted.

To fully enjoy football old chap, you have to do just one simple thing: put down the pencil and open your eyes.

Start by watching the Premier League. At least then you will know what the MLS is gunning for.

Part Two
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Stats may be of no use when watching football but Mr. Ballard's article got me thinking. How could I use stats in everyday life to feel like a winner? To help me get through the day? A day (usually) without stats! What have I been missing?

Right. 6 am. MCI (Morning Coffee Intake) : My average is 3. The outcome? I am buzzed, leading my morning in to a productive efficiency-fest! This stat may help you to get that pay rise your wife has been nagging you to ask for. Drink up readers. Drink up!

I am apparently also ranked highly in UIM (Un-important Instant Messaging). A quick survey of colleagues and it's official: I lead the entire office in this crucial part of my day.

Now onto the highly-competitive WTWE (Web Browse To Work Email). I've been giving those mail room guys a run for their money recently and have an impressive 5-1 score indicating a healthy interest in anything but emails detailing screw-ups made by our news brief guru "Hot Pockets".

Incidentally Hot Pocket's CWP (Correct Weather Plays) is at 81.6 a month. Not bad, unless of course you are not keen on seeing yesterday's weather 18.4 times per every 30 days. Just carry an umbrella and let the guy keep his job I say! He does however excel in DC (Donut Consumption). His average of 45 a week is unrivaled. Well done mate.

"What about my travel stats," you cry! Well I reckon I totally nail TOT or Time on Train in our office, which of course helps me to beat everyone at MWW (Movies Watched per Week).

I am going to start logging PT (Pub Time) too. That and GW, Games Watched which will influence my overall AWP or Angry Wife Percentage, which is already pretty high! Not great if you are logging your overall MNR (Monthly Nookie Rating.)

Finally and most importantly, there is the WBA (Weekly Blog Average). This gives Deadspin's gopher-lipped Gooner David Hirshey a lowly 1 in comparison to my 4. But his IC (Interesting Content) rating is much higher, giving me an all important goal to aim for.

The tie-breaker? UPM of course. That's Useless Points Made. I excel in this category and take blog honors. Get in!

Suck on that Hirshey! Loser!

-Bigus.