At Least His Nickname Isn't Eight Belles

For those of you who've never been to the Kentucky Derby, it's actually a full day with 12 races on the card.

The Kentucky Derby, the tenth of the 12, is just the only one people care about or watch, unless you are at Churchill Downs or live in Chicago where the weather is seemingly never going to be nice so you are stuck inside when it's May and still 40 and drizzly out giving you plenty of time to skip back and forth to the full coverage of Derby Day on ESPN.

What's this got to do with futbol?

The last race before the Derby is something called the Woodford Reserve Turf Classic because it's run on turf and it is fucking classic. Probably not, but there is half a million dollars at stake.

More importantly this year there was a horse in it named "Golden Balls." Yes, that is a horse whose moniker was inspired by David Beckham's nickname.

From the Handicapper's Edge

GOLDEN BALLS (Ire) (Danehill Dancer) made a big impression on us with a late-running tally in the La Puente S. last spring and seems poised for a breakthrough win in here. The James Cassidy pupil had an excellent tightener for this when a closing third in the Arcadia H. (G2) and could appreciate the added furlong in today's contest. The chestnut colt has been impressive in his morning drills and should be a solid price in advance of his first graded score.

Whoever wrote that probably needs to get laid. That last sentence couldn't be more laden with sexual innuendo. Although if you believe Posh, "Golden Balls" Becks really is hung like a horse.

Anyway, better to be smart. The winning horse in the Woodford Reserve Turf Classic was named Einstein. And Golden Balls? He finished dead fucking last. This probably wasn't too hard to see coming for people who thought about it. See, the other horses were bound to be moving, and Golden Balls is really only effective on set pieces.

Still, probably not a good omen for his namesake. Then again, he's already in MLS. How much worse could things get?