Becks on Broadway

As if being on Sesame Street wasn't enough for Goldenballs, there is word that the blonde midfielder's storied life and career is being adapted for the stage. Yes, a Beckham musical is being written and readied for a stint on London's West End, thus ousting Legally Blonde at the top of the list of "Most Unnecessary Musicals Ever."

Lord, help us all. We can only hope the comedy factor is so high that they bring it to New York.



From The Telegraph:

"Beckham’s story is a modern-day fairytale of heroes, villains, love, Manchester United and what it means to lead your country," explained Mark Archer, the songwriter behind this celebration of Beckham’s first 33 years. "His rise from obscurity to international stardom, his universally acknowledged gifts as a supreme sportsman, and his Hollywood lifestyle all have the elements of an aspirational fable.

"With football and celebrity now firmly established as new secular Western religions, The Theatre of Dreams is set within a cheering football stadium – the modern-day church. The music is powerful, gospel-like rock to establish clearly football and Manchester United as a religion."

Oh Archer, you think you're so bloody deep, don't you?

Hidden within the thin veil of credibility, the simple fact remains: Archer fancies himself a decent, swift payday. Is there anything in Becks' life that's worth transposing to bad music, glaring lighting and wooden performances? (Besides, perhaps, his entire career in LA that's been staged just like that)

Besides, Archer, what are you really after?

"With half the world supporting United and the rest worshipping Beckham, a musical about the iconic life of the Beckhams would be certain to attract huge attention," Archer added.

A-ha, thanks for answering my suspicions just two paragraphs further down the page.

So what to make of the art itself? Are there any sample lyrics or early glimpses at the musical's structure? Why, thankfully, there are.

From the song The Promised Land, a thoughtful meditation of life in England in the nineties:

Talk about football coming home,
And then one night in Rome,
We were strong, we had grown,
And now I see Ince ready for war,
Gazza good as before,
Shearer certain to score,
And Psycho screaming.

Brilliant stuff. Football's coming home, a nice nod to the Three Lions song for England's Euro '96 campaign, and the rest, while rhyming, sounds utterly un-captivating.

There's more! A look at a song detailing his struggles to perform under manager Glenn Hoddle as France '98 loomed:

You spin me around and point me in the wrong direction,
Always walking over me and putting me down, You treat me like a fool,
You know you have lost affection,
And I won’t play these mind games any more.

While it's surely flattering for Becks and, as the article points out, a sure sign of his place in English affections, is it really necessary? Does it do anything beyond furthering Mark Archer's time in the spotlight and his bank balance? Isn't there something a little absurd about a Beckham musical? Will there be a tune about his days wasting away in Los Angeles?

And, more importantly, if this footballer-musical genre were to really take off, can't we all think of a million footballers worth their shot at Broadway success before Becks? How about Maradona? George Best (although that one might be a tad too pornographic)? Ronaldo?

Who else do you think could be musical-worthy?

In the meantime, we wait and weep at the thought of this overrated bugger getting a lot more media time. Look out for David Beckham - The Theater of Dreams appearing in a theater near you, hopefully never. I pray that this is just an April Fool's a few months early.

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Bon Jovi: living on Man City's prayer

Bon Jovi: obviously a Man United fan. If nothing else, he fulfills the fan requirement of living thousands of miles from Old Trafford, like most of their BMW-driving supporterati

Despite making the backpasses last night, I couldn't resist a little look at the operations of Maine Road, and how their best-laid plans might well be derailed by Jon Bon Jovi. It's one of those things that nature couldn't have planned any better.

Having just scraped into the UEFA Cup through the dubious back door that is the Fair Play table, the blues face having to move their home opener in the tournament to another stadium because a Bon Jovi concert scheduled for late June will probably not leave them enough time to re-turf the pitch.

I know that there are a lot of BJ fans who love the grass (groan), but is this really happening?

From the Guardian:

The club had initially believed there was plenty of time to prepare the pitch before the start of the season but at that stage they had little idea that England would be allowed an extra place in the Uefa Cup. City did not even have the best disciplinary statistics in the Premier League but the five clubs with better records - Tottenham Hotspur, Liverpool, United, Arsenal and Everton - have already qualified for Europe.

Now there's optimism for you: plan for the UEFA Cup, then realize it's unlikely, so schedule soft-rock concerts to keep the stands full through the summer?

Sven's optimism shines even brighter:

"It is a step in the right direction because the target for this club in the future is to play in the Champions League. The Uefa Cup is a very good school to learn about European football. It is a confirmation that we are a good team but also a team that behaves well on the pitch."

Ahem. We'll just casually ignore the fact that you don't need to be a good team (as Fulham almost beat you for the spot, and they were in the relegation zone virtually all season), and we'll overlook the Dunne red card that almost removed you from the running entirely.

But I digress. There's just something about this story that makes me laugh uncontrollably. Did Bon Jovi ever think he'd have this much influence? Could Man City stand the ignominy of asking Huddersfield Town if they can borrow the stadium for a night while they host a limp 1-0 win over a side like SK Brann or Skonto Riga?

The mind boggles. All I do know is that if Oasis were playing a summer concert that jeopardized the new turf, no-one would mind in the slightest. Still, the very idea of Bon Jovi soiling their dignity to begin with is frightening enough. He'll be exiting quickly on his steel horse if he knows what's good for him.

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