Friday, February 13, 2009

UF Presents: Valentine's Day Love Poetry!


We hope you are enjoying today's special Valentine's Day festivities.

Although we have declared our undying love for Kickette, there is more where that came from...


FOR KICKETTE

Footie love we share
Handbags in our plot too
Us: dust-ups ends in red
You: Birkin bags in blue
For Valentines we choose you

--by the Fan's Attic


And, there's even more bad wonderful poetry below. After the jump you will see how our hearts overfloweth onto thyn keyboard to thee our poor, poor unsuspecting readers. Please try your hand in the comments, but trust us, the bar has been sent very high.


Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'd like to mark you tightly
And come in studs up too.

--Sven



AN ODE TO GAEL CLICHY:

A defensive master
although just a young pup
no one is faster
you always catch up.

I love thee Gael Clichy
even though I'm not gay
you in the back is just peachy
you save our arse day after day.

Remain a Gunner you must
playing at the Emirates
watching you I'm just
the guy who...

Never mind.

--by the NY Kid



AN ARSENAL HAIKU

Please, please, please Arsene
Sign some depth to the damn squad
And heal Rosicky

--by Precious Roy



ANOTHER ARSENAL HAIKU

I hate Arsenal
I fucking hate Arsenal
I hate Arsenal

--by Autoglass



Women like nagging.
Women are late.
Kick off's on time.
It's football thats great.

Football is honest
Football is true
I do love my football
except those c*nts in the blue

Its yellow and green.
that does it for me.
I do love my Norwich.
I'm sick you'll agree.

But City dont lie.
and they don't make you iron.
they just lose every weekend.
and leave you a crying.

--by Bigus



TO FERNANDO TORRES

Nando, Nando, Nando,
your goals are so sweet
Nando, Nando, Nando,
your hair can't be beat
Nando, Nando, Nando,
please win us th'EPL
Nando, Nando, Nando,
I'd follow you into hell

Torres, Torres, Torres,
Liverpool's number nine
Torres, Torres, Torres,
With us, you sure do shine.

Now score some f*cking goals against Man United.

--by Lingering Bursitis



Hucker hucker be
I love thee
Your pointy spikey hair flows. down the touchline it goes.
Your goals to games tally is fine. Like the finest of fine wines.
You are a wing man.
To me you are the king man.

--by Bigus



TO THE TUNE OF "WE'RE AN AMERICAN BAND"

Saturday morn at 7.30
Last night's drinking has got me in a haze
Fire up the computer
Searching for a feed as my eyes glaze
Hull City away to Pompey
I got to tell you it's my thing
Two teams in a 4-5-1
May sound dire, but it makes me sing

I'm an American fan
I'm an American fan
I'll watch about any match
Hope for a Spurs loss, natch
I'm an American fan

--by ΓΌ75



I wandered lonely as Robbie Keane
That floated on high o'er Anfield's 4-2-3-1
When all at once I saw a crowd
Celebrating another Gerrard goal.

Beside Stanley Park, beneath John Lennon Airport,
I packed my bags and fucked off back to Spurs.

--by Lingering Bursitis



My name is Robbie Keane.
I had a childhood dream.
To play for pool, I'm such a fool.
As dreams aint what they seem.

--by Bigus



The players stroll onto the pitch
We close our eyes and make this wish
Oh please, this match let there be
Not just one goal but two or three
The celebrations do begin
We hope our team will surely win
The whole time we never trailed
It finally ends, we have prevailed
We cheer and do our victory dance
On couches, wearing underpants

--by Spectator



And one more...

RED CARD: ODE TO GARY DOHERTY

I'm sorry ginger pele
For calling you a c*nt
I was listening on the radio,
They said you caught him blunt.

And then I saw the replay.
Your genius was punished.
Its Andy D'urso who's the c*nt
His face should be demolished.

So sorry ginger pele,
for judging you too quick.
I will not do it anymore.
"He's off!'... Ahh Grounds YOU PRICK!

--Bigus

14 comments:

phil said...

Ode to Jose (and Avram((and Felipe)(and Guus)))

One coach
Two coach
Three coach
Four
Roman will pay you
To walk out the door.


The Back Four

so much depends
upon

a competent
back four

tested in battle
solid

which explains Spurs' shoddy GD

The Fan's Attic said...

feist-y.

Sarah said...

Ah, football fan, weary of lies
Who countest on news from the Sun
Seeking after that 15 mil. prize
By the time transfer season is done

But the manager has no desire
So it seems, for the defense to grow
So no centre back did we acquire
Just a Russian who quite likes to sew.

amy said...

Sarah - that was awesome.

Here is mine, on the Valentine's theme...


A Love Poem for Daniel Agger

You are so sexy, Daniel Agger
Tall, striking and fine
A man with real swagger
Why won't you be mine?

You're a superstar on the field
You shut down strikers with ease
Why Rafa won't play you more
Is a mystery to me

All these rumors of transfers
Have gotten me depressed
If you move to Milan
I'll be such a mess!

Your tattoos are so badass
They give you real cred
How about we get closer
You can show me them in bed

Your accent is so sexy
You're a Danish delight
If you'd call me your kaerlighed*
I'll be on the next flight!

If you didn't live so far away
I wouldn't be so blue
My sexy Daniel Agger
My love for you is true

*love in Danish

Andrew said...

"You are a wing man
To me you are the king man"

This absolutely slayed me, and I'm not sure why.

My contribution:
Cesc Fabregas, God
Dig yourself, Fabregas, dig
Deliver us Fourth

Bigus Dickus said...

Agger do do do.
Make a tackle, clear the ball.
Agger do do do.
You take on strikers big and small.

You're not great, just ok,
That's why Rafa lets you on.
Keep on threatening to leave,
and he'll loan you to Brigh-ton.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lu-UkTv8tVk

phil said...

@ Andrew:

A Nick Cave fan, eh?

Andrew said...

@phil: Yeah, a little. Glad you got the reference.

amy said...

Bigus - boo!!!! ;)

amy said...

One more... who knew that writing soccer poetry would be so much more exciting than work...

Ode to FSC

FSC, you bring me my crack
But, here are just a few things that you lack
If only you had more to offer me
I would be filled with so much more glee

Please show me each and every Liverpool game
Then I won't have to place any blame
On the shady live feeds
That I use to fuel my soccer greed

More Real Madrid is just what I need
Some Iker, Raul and some Ramos misdeeds
Also, I need more Bordeaux
That Yoann Gourcuff puts on quite a show

FSC, I appreciate what you do for me
But everything would be so much better in HD!
Your stupid commercials put me to sleep
And what the hell is with those annoying dial tone beeps!?

Andrew said...

@Amy: "FSC, you bring me my crack." HIL-arious. Between you and Bigus, I now know where to go for my comedy.

jjf3 said...

this particular entry does not fit the poetry theme, unless you like that really random stream of consciousness stuff:

Holy Fuck
I thought the Galaxy
USED to be run by an autistic wombat
Not so apparently
Still clueless
Beck's coming back


Hmm, take a bunch of money and lose an unhappy player, or make him the English Le Sulk for 6 months before he leaves for free - BRILLIANT!!!

jjf3 said...

Oh, and now here's my real effort:

A haiku on my fandom:

Chose to love Blackburn
I just can't remember why
Stupid fucking Joe


Or you can change the last line to:
Should have picked Villa

jjf3 said...

Adam, I'm going to do this game now, because if I don't I'll likely forget it...(and since its only one game, I'll include a comment). As for last week, let's just say, do you remember the disco song "love rollercoaster"? That's my last 3 weeks, with last week a 7-3 result with 1 perfect score...

tomorrow:

Pompey 1-1 Citeh I have no idea what to make of this game. Citeh can't play on the road, Pompey just lost Adams - is that a positive or a negative, with no new manager in? Or does Hughes wake up to the Elano-Robinho connection? Ugh. When in doubt, draw, but this could go anywhere from 2-0 to 0-4. Ya got me...