An Open Letter to Peter King

Dear Mr. King,

We here at UF saw your recent comment on the David Beckham-to-Milan soap opera and wanted to follow up with you.

David Beckham should be ashamed. Nice message he sends to his children and to the soccer community full of children by signing a five-year contract with Major League Soccer in 2007, opening a soccer academy in California, then trying to walk out on the deal last week because he likes his new team in Milan. Play hardball, Don Garber. Get a ransom for the bum.

Oh, the children, the children! Won't somebody think of the children?!

While we're glad you have a rightly-deserved opinion on the sport we love so much, may we suggest you pull your head out of your oversized anal cavity and focus on your football, as your opinion is silly and your NFL observations need some work as well. Maybe you should stick to Starbucks anecdotes.

Granted, in all fairness, we'd likely have a hard time doing our job well with Brett Favre's cock lodged in our ass.

As you should well know, contracts in this sport are largely meaningless. They seemingly exist solely so the club that holds a player's rights has some leverage once that player wants to leave. What's the point in having an unhappy player as one pissy soul can wreck havoc upon a club's season?

Lest we forget that the NFL has no peer league or true competition... Becks currently plays in the what would be the equivalent to the XFL. While we're not in the business of defending Goldenballs 'round these parts (though one of us may protest a bit too loudly, perhaps hiding a secret crush on him), who can blame him for not wanting to spend his last useful years ('useful' open to interpretation in this instance) in footballing backwaters?

Anyone with any talent (and options) would probably think of MLS as their Plan D or F. If Beckham wants to make the England squad and play in next year's World Cup (to be held somewhere other than South Africa), he has to be on a team that can actually be taken seriously. That means, one that plays at a decent standard and doesn't resemble rugby more than soccer.

He only joined the Galaxy after it appeared his international career was done. Shall we chide him for having ambition, as well as having been a role model and perfect example to children all over the world for years (especially aspiring Zoolanders)? Love him or hate him, his work ethic is superb and he conducts himself with class.

Quite frankly, he puts a lot of American athletes to shame.

And, FYI... He opened an academy stateside long before he joined the embarrasing LA Galaxy.

Good day, sir.

Yours truly,
Unprofessional Foul

P.S. You are right about getting a ransom for him. If Garber actually has a pair, they'll settle for no less than 10 million pounds; 15M if they're brassy. (Milan will make that back in shirt sales and other promotions in no time)