Is It A Secret Code?

Well this is an interesting set of pictures.

Do we need a Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Ring to crack this code?

Let the conspiracy theories begin.

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Footballer Vacay Roundup

While there may be exciting footy action going on in South Africa right now, not all of the footballing world is watching. Those ballers not participating are enjoying the time off and doing what all footballers love to do in the summer...go to warm weather climes and sit by the water.

This weekend roundup begins with the most talked about footballer in the land--Cristiano Ronaldo.

As you know, CRonaldo spent a night late last week in Paris. That would be Paris Hilton not Paris, France. After in-depth discussions about the proper hair product, Ronaldo jetted off to Las Vegas. Presumably to take in the other Fake Paris in the States. Ronaldo spent the evening in a Vegas nightclub surrounded by women hoping he would make it rain for them. Unfortunately for them, all the money he threw around just got stuck in his hair gel.

Never fear though, as the stress of drinking and preening was taken away as Ronaldo was manhandled poolside. And I do mean manhandled and he received a massage from an older gentleman.

No comment. [Photo: Daily Mail]

To make up for that unsettling scene above, I give you Cheryl Cole.

Is that the Holy Grail? Or is it just a mirrored cup above the chalice? [Photo: Daily Mail]

Cheryl and her husband Ashley were spending some quality time, presumably celebrating him not cheating on her that rat bastard, in the South of France.

Meanwhile, Spurs man, Jermaine Jenas, dug in his heels with an unnamed WAG in Spain. She's quite the licker.

[Photo: Daily Mail]

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UF After Dark: The Greatest Day in the History of Football?

We are, as always, merely following in the footsteps of our BFFs Dirty Tackle and ONTD, but seriously.... WTF? Cristiano Ronaldo's day included: (1) transferring to Real Madrid for a world record fee and (2) shagging Paris Hilton, of all the people in this world.

Mind boggling. But in some ways, it also makes perfect sense. Which just makes it all even more mind boggling.

So there you have it. The Cristiano Ronaldo transfer covered from every single angle, from high brow to low brow. This is why we love football.

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C-Ron to Real: The Implications at both ends

As one would expect, the C-Ron transfer shenanigan is consuming all other soccer news in its path, devouring smaller stories as ferociously as Janice Dickinson sucks up lines of cocaine from her kitchen table. Yes, it's finally over. A team has sold a player to another team, and we must sit back to avoid overdosing on the hyperbole. But we cannot!

Given that C-Ron is not your average player changing hands in a summer transfer (sorry, Gareth Barry; did you notice less journo flacks at your first Citeh press conference this morning?), there's an obvious and massive knock-on effect for both sides of this nifty slice of business.

For United and Real Madrid, things are about to change dramatically. Precious Roy already took a wonderful look at it from the money side, and now I fancy examining the consequences on the pitch.

Manchester United: the band loses its egotistical lead singer
For the Reds, the immediate future is obvious; they're losing an incredible amount of goals from a wide position. 91 in three seasons from their best offensive producer, their free-kick genius, and their versatile winger who also thrived in a center-forward role that Ferguson tried towards the end of the season.

The void is massive, and the wishlist of suitors who are capable, willing and able to fill the role (not without a massive favor from any of Europe's great domestic clubs who might be content to sit on their stockpiled stars) isn't very big at all. After all, who would dare be the team to immediately improve a franchise that sorely needs the help up front? Not to mention that every player they covet (Ribery, Villa, Aguero) has countless other suitors.

Simply put, C-Ron is as close as it gets to irreplaceable these days. While the Era of the Individual, that hazy, highlight-packed period that really kicked off in the late 90s, is still present, the team dynamic and proliferation of tactically-astute managers has lessened its impact.

In spite of the shift, C-Ron is/was one of those precious few who could lift his team out of the doldrums created by negative gameplans, and without him, United look a lot more one-dimensional. They will struggle to pull through some matches without Ronaldo's ability to provide spark, something he did just as much on the field as he did off.

Consider that Man U scored just 68 goals in the EPL this past season. It's still a proud figure, but it's the lowest tally to spur an EPL trophy march since 1992/93.

And so, who will provide the goals? Wayne Rooney is a great player, but he is not industrious enough to play provider and scorer all for himself (one of C-Ron's many talents included taking enough pressure away from his batterymates).

Carlos Tevez? His workrate and effort eclipse that of most in United's squad, and yet his natural style of play has been stifling to that of Rooney, considering the two are so similar. Oh, and this is without mentioning that Tevez is a dead cert to leave Old Trafford, having been relegated unfairly to the second or third string.

Dimitar Berbatov? Perhaps one of the EPL's laziest players, so unflinching in his sloth that those sublime moments of individual skill are, when he can be bothered, that much more breathtaking. However, through analytical eyes, it's clear he is not providing an adequate return on the investment.

Danny Welbeck? Federico Macheda? Woefully unseasoned for a full season of title-chasing strain and stress, despite the Hollywood-esque entrance made by the young Italian.

With this loss, United will need to show their defensive strength more than ever, as it might be the biggest weapon they still possess. When you consider that C-Ron is arguably the best player in the world operating today, there can be no sufficient replacement. Ferguson has done this sort of thing in the past, selling big-name stars to the surprise of many (Andrei Kanchelskis, Ruud van Nistelrooy, David Beckham), but none of them have had the singular importance to the team -- all preening, sulk and arrogance aside -- as Cristiano Ronaldo does.

United fans should console themselves with the assertion that his poisonous ego was detrimental to the Red Army's movement, although when the well of goals runs dry, that will not be a very comforting mantra. For all his petulance, it's hard to argue that Ronaldo didn't get the job done when asked.


Real Madrid: Florentino Perez isn't a fan of Moneyball
However you choose to look at it, this is good business for Real Madrid. It helps to re-establish their credibility once more as a domestic and European force, it aids the rebuilding process of their worldwide brand (it had been six or so years between Galacticos cycles), and it reinvigorates a league that could really use a legitimate dramatic counterpoint to the homegrown, grassroots might of Barcelona.

Florentino Perez has achieved all of this with just two signatures -- 2007's World Player of the Year, Kaka, and now 2008's World Player of the Year, Cristiano Ronaldo.

We know from the last galacticos incarnation (think Sealab 2020, but more attractive) that it can work -- they won two league titles in three years before their dismantling -- but this time around, they must address their woes at the back, as well as figuring out just how all the jigsaw pieces will fit together.

Having tons of offensive firepower and might doesn't automatically crown you King of the World. Brazil 1982 was full of stepover kings and electrifying strikers, and yet all it took was a well-drilled, hungry Italy to topple them because of their frailty at the back. It happens all the time, in that respect; the rush for superstars is so heady and intense, like a heroin addict fiending for the needle, that the unglamorous behind-the-scenes fortification is neglected.

Their backline was shown to be paper-thin in the Champions League, and will be again unless changes are made. Iker Casillas is only 28, but his workload between the posts must make him feel twice as old. There's Sergio Ramos, a right-back who rarely bothers to defend. Heinze and Salgado are both approaching being put out to pasture, Marcelo is inconsistent and prone to being caught too far forward, and then Pepe has shown his fondness for violence when frustrated and flustered at the back.

It's an awful platform for which to help Kaka, Ronaldo and company do what they need to do moving forward; one wonders just what money they will spend on the blue collar improvements they will sorely need.

And then there's the tactical question; just how do you make everyone work together? Looking at their squad, they're logjammed at every position, and it'll take some masterful work by whoever steps through the revolving managerial door to keep everyone happy for more than a season and a half.

Good business, to be sure, but an acquisition that brings with it a parade of questions and quibbles that need to be addressed. After all, Ronaldo's desire to move wasn't just for the improvement in weather. He craves the success that he enjoyed at United, and then some.

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Cristiano Ronaldo And Why Jon Gruden Knew His Sale Was Inevitable

So Crissy is off to Spain and United are £80M the better for it.

That gives United a nice little kitty to swing with in the transfer market. Who will they target? Tevez? Ribery? Villa?

How about nobody?

Yes. Nobody. Okay, it might only be nobody of consequence. There could be a £5M youngster here or a cheaper veteran there (can Arsenal sell Silvestre back to United for a bag of magic sand?) but United might not have the equivalent of a blank check to go spend now that they've unloaded Cristiano Ronaldo.

Why not? Because there is the most gigantic white elephant in all of football poised precariously over Old Trafford.

Lest people forget, United are carrying a massive amount of debt, £699M. And unlike Chelsea's quasi-fictitious debt, United's is real. In other words, they owe it to people that want it back. Really, there's been plenty of ink this week about Hicks and Gillett and Liverpool's finances, but United have over twice the debt of Liverpool FC (I believe the Guardian had LFC's at roughly £320).

United had a pre-tax loss of almost £45M last year. That's with the club's debt rising each of the last two years. I seem to recall when I found any detailed numbers for the club (maybe from two years ago—and pardon my not digging this up right this moment), the only reason they were cash flow positive that year was because they had rescheduled some debt and pocketed the difference to fund operations.

In other words, and this is just an example, instead of owing £300M over 5 years at 7% they said to some lender "How about you give us an additional £100M and we'll owe you £400M but we'll pay it back over 7 years but at 9%." And the lender said, "Okay."

United is worth a ton, but they owe a ton. In fact they've got something like £175M of the debt financed at a crippling 14%. And you can't just look at it and say "Well they owe £699M but the team is worth twice that, so they are fine." The largest asset on the United books is "Goodwill" which, as an accounting term, is simply the amout you paid above book value for something. So United's biggest asset is simply how much the Glazers were willing to overpay for the club.

What's more important than the book value for United as a going concern is the marginal cost of operating the club, and given the negative cash flows, it's greater than the marginal revenue the club is generating.

Think about the Liverpool situation. Liverpool is worth more way more than the £300M-and-change it owes the banks. Hicks and Gillett think it's worth more than that, which is why they borrowed that amount. They figured they would make enough to pay it back. The bank thinks its worth more than that. That's why they took the club as collateral. As a banker, you wouldn't secure a loan with an asset that's worth less than the money you are lending.

Liverpool's problem isn't the value of the club. The owners might be forced to sell because they can't cover the marginal costs of operations (specifically they don't have the cash on hand to make a very large debt payment due to their banks).

A potential buyer also knows what the club is worth. But they also sense that the owners might be fucked and that the banks don't really want to own the club. So they are biding their time so they can wait until the owners are forced to sell at a heavy discount (if it gets to that), or until after the banks take it over and want to unload it so they don't have to deal with running a football club.

Okay, so what's happening at United that is all that different? They are operating at a loss and their debt is going up year after year. What if they were to miss the Champions League. All of the sudden a huge chunk of change is gone. Now maybe they can't meet their debt obligations and suddenly find themselves in a situation similar to Hicks and Gillett.

Once you get down to it, what are a football clubs real assets? A stadium, the shirt sponsor, media rights, the brand... what else? A buyer for United isn't going to say, "Well, you paid £X in goodwill, so I'm certainly going to pay more than that." No, they are going to wait until the club is fucked as possible and try to lowball every place they can.

There is just less talk about the Glazers and United than there is Hicks and Gillette at Anfield because the former have done a much better job of being opaque and keeping their names out of the papers. But things might not be so rosy at Old Trafford.

For a hint of how things might be in the Glazer's financial house, take a look at the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the other pro sports organization owned by the Glazers.

The Bucs have out-and-out released high-priced veterans, fired coach Jon Gruden and his hefty contract and replaced him with a complete (and much cheaper) unknown. They have moved training camp from Disney/Orlando back to Tampa to save money and they even canceled the club's Christmas party to save money.

The Buccaneers have more money under the salary cap than any other team in the NFL this off-season. Most teams clear cap space to go out and sign high-priced free agents. Not the Bucs, they haven't signed anyone of note (or cost). They are cutting costs. Period.

The Glazers can let the Bucs go to pot and not invest money in them for a few years because they won't get relegated out of the NFL. Just doesn't happen. Even if the Bucs become the Detroit Lions for a few seasons, fans will still turn up and the enormous TV contract will still put money in the Glazers' pockets.

But if they don't pour money into United, they'd be screwed. There's no safety net the EPL. If that side drops from the Top 4 or doesn't advance in the Champions League, the hit to their revenues could be significant. So there is a very real possibility that the Glazers have to use the savings from Tampa to subsidize the massive debts of United.

The selling of Ronaldo, it might have less to do with his petulance and any personal conflict with Alex Ferguson than it does with the Glazers' finances.

If I were a United fan, I might not be alarmed but I'd be concerned and would certainly start paying a lot more attention to what's happening in South Florida and start asking some questions about the ownership of my club. You might not be able to draw a direct line from Tampa to Manchester, but it is more than just peculiar the way the Bucs are suddenly being run.

That's what also makes this sale so intriguing. With Ronaldo in the line-up that team is almost a lock for finishing 1 or 2 in the league and making it into the group stage of the Champions League. Without Ronaldo in the side, that team looked absolutely pedestrian (remember they drew at home to fucking Newcastle then struggled to win at Portsmouth when he was out).

How much is that worth to the club? More than £80M?

This is still Manchester United. They have the best manger in the game and they are still loaded with talent. But they are also losing the best player in the game. Suddenly deep cup runs and parking atop the league table become much more difficult tasks for United. And without the money from those extra games servicing £699M becomes more difficult. What if, without Cristiano Ronaldo, United finish next season like Arsenal finished this season? Fourth place, no trophies, no Champions League final. Do they forgo more money than they made in the sale? Did they pay down enough debt for it not to matter?

If you look into the numbers United are not rock solid financially as what they are doing isn't sustainable indefinitely. Moves this summer might be done more out of financial necessity than European glory.

Of course if United turn around and spend every last cent of the Ronaldo transfer fee to bring in players then this is all off the mark. Now that the Red Devils have accepted Madrid's truckloads of cash, what happens next will say more about the Glazers than they have ever said about themselves.

Read more on "Cristiano Ronaldo And Why Jon Gruden Knew His Sale Was Inevitable"...

World's Fastest and World's Best Diver Do Their Best Fonzie

Aaaaayyyyy!! Why are you wearing Rooney's training top?

The long awaited "training session" for Usain Bolt and Cristiano Ronaldo looks to have been more photo op than actual training session. Bolt is in Manchester looking to cash in on his talent in a 150 meter promotional race this weekend and took time out of his busy promotional schedule to promote some more at a United training session on Friday. Bolt will also be at Old Trafford in the director's box as ManU look to clinch the title against Arsenal on Saturday.

From the looks of it, the PR stunt turned into some weird posing competition. Bolt won "The Fonzie" by a hair, but, as seen below, Bolt takes the gold in this event.



No word on whether Bolt offered tips to Ronaldo on how not to be such a wuss.

[Photos: Telegraph; more photos there as well]

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A Quick Video Before the Day Really Kicks Off

Here at UF, we may laugh at the occasional bit of mindless violence, especially in South America, but we do not advocate it in any way. However, there are certain exceptions that any sane person must make. One of these is in the video below.


Sir Alex should have slapped the shit out of him.

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Gang of Four: Great Individual Seasons

A new semi-regular feature gets its debut today on UF, with some memories of four great seasons by four great players.


1. Ronaldo - Barcelona, 1996/97
Though we have plenty of evidence as to how great the now-fat and hobbled Brazilian was, one season in particular stands out above the rest. Having racked up 55 goals in 57 appearances for PSV over two seasons, his quality was undeniable, but a summer transfer to La Liga, several notches above the Eredivisie in difficulty and quality, would provide indisputable proof.

In just one season for the Catalans, Ronaldo scored 47 in 49 games across all competitions, including the winner from the penalty spot in the Cup Winners' Cup Final against Paris Saint-Germain.

The fit at Barca was perfect; with a bullish midfield of Guardiola, de la Pena, Luis Enrique and Gheorghe Popescu that excelled at relieving the opposition of possession, Ronaldo was supported up front by Luis Figo, another elegant yet predatory forward whose passing provided much of the Brazilian's bounty.

Though the team fell short of La Liga glory by a mere 2 points to Real Madrid (a team blessed with 24-goal Davor Suker and 21-goal Raul), the Catalans completed a memorable treble, lifting the CWC, the Copa Del Rey, and the Spanish Super Cup thanks to Ronaldo's brilliance.



Watching highlights of his antics that season (Part 1 above, Part 2 here), you see what could have been if he didn't suffer several injury setbacks (between 1999 and 2002, he played just 17 games). Bobby Robson, the Barca manager that year (and England boss before that), had the same view: "if he managed to stay free of serious injury, he had every chance of becoming the best footballer ever. And I stand by that."

There are goals to satisfy every sensibility; mazy, Maradona-esque dribbles through a throng of defenders tackling the air, thunderous long-range efforts from all angles, straight sprints to goal finished with a playful tap-in... he was, and still might be, the ultimate human highlight reel.

Of course, Ronaldo is one of the greats simply because he managed to be the world's best in two different eras; once at full health with his lightning speed intact, and again in 2002 without it. Still, for my money, it doesn't get much better than that 1996/97 season. Take 20 minutes to watch his whole oeuvre that season, and I'm sure you'll agree.

If you're still not convinced, watch the goal beginning at 2:11, the one that against Compostela that was replayed everywhere from CNN to Sky Sports. Is there a single opposition player he doesn't beat with the ball at his feet? Robson's stunned expression at the end of it, hands on head and eyes wide, confirms Ronaldo's majesty.



2. Cristiano Ronaldo - Manchester United, 2007/08
I know, I know, I know; he's the worst thing in football. I know he's insufferable, I know he's loathed for his swagger and his swollen trophy cabinet. I also know how much I personally hate him for everything he's done to keep United on top.

And yet, from a neutral perspective, it's nigh-on impossible to look at the Portuguese winger's season in '07 and not be amazed. 42 goals in 49 games from the wing, where pace and crossing are paramount, the versatile attacker shrugged off the criticism and the hate to lead United to the EPL/CL double, scoring in just about every way imaginable.



The team assembled around him played their part also, but to discredit his irritating knack of scoring crucial goals would be a mistake. There's the free-kick against Pompey, above. Or the backheel against Aston Villa? Or the crucial late goal against Derby? Or even the first of his brace against Everton?

It didn't matter what approach defenders took to gameplan against him. Isolating him on the wing never worked because of his ball skill with both feet. Fouling him, or any other United attacker, was a mistake because of his mastery from the set-piece. For every action against him, he had an answer.

Having shown his promise in previous years, 2007/08 was when everything finally clicked and rightly so, he cleaned up just about every award there was for an individual to win; all the PFA awards, selection to the UEFA Team of the Year, the FIFPro World XI, Merit Awards, the EPL Player of the Season, the EPL Golden Boot, FIFPro World Player of the Year, the Ballon D'Or, UEFA Club Footballer of the Year, and many more.

Not bad for a guy who didn't score his first league goal of the season until September 29th.

It is a prolific haul that illustrates just what a dilemma awaits Ferguson in the off-season; to sell his arrogance for a pretty price while losing the on-pitch performance, or swallow his pride in order to retain his services. Not an easy choice, by any means.


3. Michael Ballack - Bayer Leverkusen, 2001/02
This one comes with a monumental caveat: Bayer finished runner-up in all 3 competitions that they dominated that season, suggesting that the scope of Ballack's influence wasn't nearly as profound as it actually was. However, that couldn't be further from the truth (though Ballack did contribute to their Bundesliga failure on the last day, scoring an OG in a 2-0 loss where a draw would have given them the trophy). Without Ballack's contributions, they wouldn't have come close to winning anything.

Ballack, another player on this list who has suffered with the injury bug, put together his finest season once he was finally allowed to play the role he was born to play. Having shown flashes of his mercurial ways at Kaiserslautern, Ballack was let loose in attacking midfield, where he'd score 25 goals.

Freed of his defensive responsibilities thanks to the ankle-biting tandem of Bernd Schneider and Carsten Ramelow, Ballack thrived in supporting Oliver Neuville's ponderous efforts in front of him.

Ballack doubled the scoring output of anyone else in the squad, single-handedly dragging his team through the Champions League where they ran out of steam against Real Madrid (after all, who could compete against Figo, Zidane, Raul and Morientes, with Makelele nuking any attack that came near the 18-yard-box?). Oh, and Zidane's wonder goal that killed off the tie.

The quarter-final, 2nd leg at home to Liverpool was the pick of his performances that year; with a 2-1 lead midway through the 2nd half, the Reds missed several glorious chances to put the game out of reach before being overwhelmed by Ballack's constant menace moving forward. Leverkusen ran out 4-2 winners. Liverpool had no answer for his physicality and persistence, but they weren't alone that season.


4. Alan Shearer - Blackburn Rovers, 1994/95
While the biggest talking point that season remains Eric Cantona's kung-fu kick into the crowd during an FA Cup game at Crystal Palace, it's hard to overlook the season's 2nd biggest story: the millions of Blackburn lad and steel magnate Jack Walker helping the local team usurp league holders Manchester United on the final day of the season.

The feat, herculean in context, could have only been possible with Alan Shearer tapping in goals from all angles against any and all competition. (If you want to be cynical, it could only have been possible first with Walker's millions.)

In 1991, Rovers were in the 2nd Division, forever admiring the top flight like a kid stood in the cold looking at toys in a store window, nose pressed against the glass in awe of what was contained within. With Walker's finances, the club spent at a Chelsea-esque rate a full decade before anyone in the soccer world even knew who Roman Abramovich was, buying goalie Tim Flowers for a then-record 2 million pounds, and then smashing their own feat with a 3.3 million pound purchase of Shearer.

In a 4-4-2 with Chris Sutton as his wingman, he was unstoppable, scoring 34 of the duo's 49 goals in the league and despite losing twice in contentious circumstances to United that year, they prevailed.

Easily one of the greats within the 6-yard-box, the comparisons with Gary Lineker, another close-range predator, were completely justified. He appeared to possess a singular skill set on the pitch; lurking around the box for 90 minutes, he put the fear of God into some of England's best defenders of the era, an impossible force to stop.

Make no mistake that Blackburn were the first real "money-built" team of the 90s; yet Shearer, with his personality and character firmly rooted in the working class, made it rather easy to forget.

Read more on "Gang of Four: Great Individual Seasons"...

C-Ron Loves Speed

Look folks, it's the slowest news day ever!

It's bad that most of the main news sites have match previews for Tuesday and Wednesday's CL games as their top stories. Of course, if I'd not been such a slacker, I'd have finished piecing together that Norwichomon trip (which will drop on Wednesday, I think), but I digress.

This is about Cristiano Ronaldo, the pacy twat currently stepovering the world to death from his post on United's wing. He's wrecked cars before with his blistering speed, and now he's looking to do a number on the likes of Titus Bramble for years to come, with the news that him and Usain Bolt will train together over the summer.

No, this is not the brainchild of some coke-snorting ad exec, but rather the joyful, lost art of letter writing and favours. See, Usain wanted a signed United shirt, presumably for use in the bandwagoning department, and C-Ron obliged, sending a note back requesting a favour in return (because for Ronaldo, there's no such thing as a nice gesture without some form of payback -- just ask Steven Taylor).

And so, according to Bolt's agent, the two will get together in Manchester during the EPL off-season to work on C-Ron's speed.

No word yet on whether this'll help the arrogant fella run quicker into the loving, caring arms of Real Madrid by January, 2010.

Read more on "C-Ron Loves Speed"...

CR7, UR Nt my BFF

So apparently there was some halftime fun in the tunnel of the United v. Newcastle match yesterday.

Towards the end of the half, Steven Taylor went in high with his arm on a challenge and made contact with Miss Priss' face.

Ronaldo, ever the tough player, shook it off and proceeded to play on, totally unfazed by any contact. Oh wait, no. He did the exact opposite, instead choosing to become intimate with the ground for an overly extended period.

Taylor did get a yellow for his efforts, but that wasn't the end of it as it's being reported that it spilled over to the walk up the tunnel where something happened.

What? That depends on the source.

According to The Sun: Ronny said "Your style of football is shit." Taylor responded with "Well you are ugly."

The Daily Express says that the exchage took place between Taylor and Wayne Rooney with the latter telling the former: "You've always been a shit footballer." Taylor responded, "I might be a shit player but at least I’m not ugly like you."

They then exchanged "Am not"-"Are too" 37 times. That ended when Taylor said, "You're ugly, infinity."

Either report could be legit when you consider that, yes, Rooney is trollish, but Cristiano Ronaldo is ugly on the inside.

The FA could investigate, and they will likely find that Cristiano Ronaldo is an utter twit.

Read more on "CR7, UR Nt my BFF"...

He Already Knows What He Looks Like In White

Well the silly season sleuthing has taken it's first techie turn (why yes, I do also write headlines for 'Variety').

Explanation. There seems to be an unpaid army of people who cruise patent applications to guess the next gadget coming to the market (you'll see this with Apple especially). It feeds much of the rampant speculation in the tech world about who is doing what and probably costs employers millions in lost productivity (really, how did people waste time at work before the Web?).

Anyway, now it has come to sport. The Telegraph is reporting that Cristiano Ronaldo has copyrighted the term "CR9" in his native Portugal.

Why is this news?

Well, the nanceboy currently wears the number 7. So, why trademark a term with a number he doesn't wear? Because he won't be wearing it when he goes to Real Madrid. El numero siete currently belongs to Raul. So Ronaldo takes the number 9 (Number 9... Number 9... Number 9... Number 9) and cashes in on owning CR9. Somehow.

None of this is hindered by the daily rumors coming out of Spain that a secret deal has already been brokered for the World Player of the Year to move from United to Madrid after this season.

Any why not? What's left for him to do at United? He's, what, barely 23? He can go to Spain, return to home (sort of, at least it's Iberia), and if he returns Madrid to glory he'll be immortalized. Also, Spain is less physical than the EPL, so his body will hold up better longer. Oh, and the rumored £77M transfer fee with £210,000 per week in wages is probably also in the "Pro" column of the decision sheet.

Just a thought: You sure you want to trademark something that sounds so much like "Cryin'" in Ingles when your repuatation is already that of a diving pansy?

Read more on "He Already Knows What He Looks Like In White"...

Ronaldo wins FIFA World Player Award

Our correspondent in Zurich can confirm that Cristiano Ronaldo has been named FIFA World Player of 2008. Leo Messi placed and El Niño Roto finished third. It's Ronaldo's first time winning the award and closes out his individual trophy treble. Ronny also won this year's Ballon d'or (journalists' vote) and FIFPro World Player of the Year (as voted by the players.)

Read more on "Ronaldo wins FIFA World Player Award"...

Your Christmas Eve Update On Footballers Named Ronaldo

It's feeding time.

Ronaldo, the fat and original one.

It wasn't a blown wheel rather a blown gasket that sidelined Ronaldo for the last 9 months. He's just had a baby, which might explain the weight gain.

Ronaldo, the other fat one with a horsemouth.

Ronaldinho's Italian home was broken into while Ronnie was away on vaca back home in Brazil.

Ronaldo, the prancing fairy one.

Still hated. Still prancing. Still diving. Still wearing hot pants.

Read more on "Your Christmas Eve Update On Footballers Named Ronaldo"...

UF Monday Market Place

The Market Place is back for its second week. And with a new cool new graphic. See it? Up above... clever, eh? Credit to Bigus. In case you missed the first edition, a reminder: Past performance is not indicative of future returns. We're just as clueless as everyone else, if occasionally more droll. Like this chair.




BUY! BUY ! BUY!

...until we freak out on national television and tell you to sell the kids for food.

Buy Barca-- This as much a comment on the sorry state of Real as it is about the marauding Catalans. Barcelona dropped four on then-second place Valencia Saturday-- apparently some French guy had a big game-- then watched Madrid come back twice, only to lose 4-3 on an 85th min goal from Sevilla's Renato. The vultures are in flight to the capital.

Buy Fulham-- Haven't lost since November 1. Haven't lost at home since September 27. Three straight draws with Liverpool, Villa, and Man. City. We're in. Rescue Roy was no fluke. The middle of the table is their playground. Oh, and try to pick up a some Jimmy Bullard-backed derivatives while your wallet's open.

Buy The Hoff-- UF's favorite Germans dropped a three-pointer with Bayern on Friday, but goal differential keeps them first. Scoring for Hoffenheim in that game... who else? Vedad Ibisevic. The One That Got Away is a goal machine. Too bad he's "Bosnian" and will never see a big international stage. Bigus loves these guys because they play in a small town where everyone's related, the bartenders to the nuns, the farmers to their cattle, etc.

Buy FC Nantes-- A big boost for the little guys this weekend. Ivan Klasnic and his many kidneys netted two, including a winner to nip perpetual champs Lyon at the death. With it, Les Canaris took a nice, long 3-point stride clear of the drop. And they play in the city that inspired this.

Buy Women's Soccer... In America A nice weekend for the ladies. The U.S. U-20 team are World Cup champs and North Carolina knocks off previously undefeated and untied Notre Dame for their 1,243rd NCAA title.

Buy Hibernian's John Rankin-- True or not, the Cabbage man says his side actually practiced the long range "squiggler" he used to beat Celtic's Artur Boruc this weekend. Said Rankin, "There was maybe a wee bit of luck on my part, but I'm delighted and I'll take the goal." Way to throw the "wee" in there pal. All class.

Buy Norwich City's Inevitable Letdown Loss vs...-- Watford. They'd have probably lost anyway, but coming off an either really thrilling or really pedestrian derby win, they're a sure bet.

Buy The Big Four staying The Big Four-- With all that's gone wrong for this group, there's little doubt (Sorry Villa) that come May it won't be some variation on Chelsea, Man. U., Liverpool, Arsenal. The Premier League is like Jazz: There's a lot happening. Moving parts. But in the end, it's just a few notes over and over in different permutations.
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Sell! For Chrissakes, Sell it all! Light it on fire, just be done with it!!



...until next week, when everything bounces back but your checking account. Sawwrry.

Sell Robbie Keane-- Liverpool would if they could. So why not you? Keane never made it off the bench Saturday. Not that it hurt much. Liverpool rolled Blackburn (we'll get to them in a minute) 3-1. And though we're not buying rumors Rafa is actually trying to sell Keane back to Spurs, some of us really enjoy the fact that someone is making them up.

Sell Bayern Munich manager Uli Hoeness-- Has his boys in a deadlock with The Hoff atop the Bundesliga after a last minute winner in Munich. But don't be fooled, Hoeness enjoys the win with a glass of red-faced whine. He's upset with the media's treatment of The Hoff... biggest fairy tale he's every seen... too much money... they can never win a general election... wants a series of townhall-style debates...

Sell Paul Ince-- On our Poo List for the second week running. We reckon Keane's departure from Sunderland has undone his last few hinges.

Sell Joleon Lescott-- Two wonderful goals. Noted. Now go put your shirt back on and play defense. Idiot.

Sell MLS in Seattle-- Peter Vagenas? Freddie Ljungberg? Hardly the cornerstones of a franchise that's going to do anything meaningful. Then again, if a team from New York can be Western Conference Champions, is anything really meaningful about your league?

Sell Newcastle-- Heroic performance at the Bridge, then you give up a 92nd minute equalizer to Stoke. Joe Kinnear won't last past the end of the season when they have a chance to really reevaluate their team.

And while you're at it, sell on anyone you know who might have actually predicted, or god forbid, bet on Newcastle to win this game. I'm not saying they shouldn't have won before or won't win again, but you can't ever expect it.

Sell the Ballon d'Or-- Sell it or re-name it the EPL MVP Award, because as fantastic as Ronaldo was in EPL play last season, that's how much he disappointed in the Champs League and Euro '08. He missed two PKs, one in the final, for Man. U. and lasted barely a week in Austria/Switzerland. Does that count for nothing? I'd have voted for Liverpool's Fantasic Fragile Fernado-- incredible debut season in England, Euro-winner playing alone up top against Germany-- over Ronaldo. Or Iker Casillas, the world's best keeper by a mile and winner of both La Liga and Euro '08.

Sell Artur Boruc-- He's like Heurelho Gomes without the brilliant saves! Quoteth Mad Dog Russo: "Heeeeeee Stinks!"
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Wait! Hold Still! Do Nothing! Freeze Up! We're confounded...


Hold on the Sunderland players-- Keane skipped out on them days before a trip to Old Trafford. So how do they respond? By losing. But they went down hard, defending well and looking generally glad to be rid of the Irishman. Will it be enough to keep them from yet another drop? We'll see.

Hold on Bolton-- Best November points-wise of anyone can't be spoiled by a loss to an angry Chelsea bunch (the Blues: Unbeaten after home losses this year!) Looks like these guys will be Wandering around England, putting Premier League crowds to sleep for at least another year.

Hold on Marouane Fellaini's 'fro There's some conflicting feelings here about this bizarre head fungus. I'd be inclined to sell, but there are just so few magical 'fros running around these days. If someone else steps in to fill the gap we'll ditch the guy in a second. How about Aaron Lennon? He's certainly capable. Imagine a huge pop-up 'fro running circles around the midfield, taking runs down the right... pounding crosses into defenders' shins... I'd buy that.

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Does a pole come with the Ballon d'Or?

Cristiano Ronaldo has captured the prestigious (but perhaps evil) Ballon d'Or. The Manchester United winger has won numerous plaudits for his performance this season, but maybe he should have been a goalie.

One of UF's favorites, Eva Roob, has recently weighed in on Ronaldo and thinks he would do well with the poles. The erstwhile Samira Summer recently opined (NSWF) on the merits of footballers as go-go dancers.

From the pitch to the pole – which of her male football colleagues does Roob think could cut it as a sexy dancer?

She revealed her thoughts in an interview with football newspaper ’11 Freunde’: “Maybe David Beckham. And of course Cristiano Ronaldo.”

All that prancing around on the field may be beneficial to CRon after all. He could use this backup career as leverage to get that wage raise he so desires from the Glazers.

While Eva seems to like Manchester United midfielders, she doesn't seem keen on a certain Chelsea midfielder and fellow Teuton, Michael Ballack, saying “There is no one from Germany. Not even Michael Ballack, whom lots of people find attractive. I think he is probably too stiff.”

Of course. Now excuse me while I try to rid my mind of these images.

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Sir Alex Ferguson Saeed al-Sahaf

So after yet another rather listless 0-0 draw for United against Villarreal, Sir Alex Ferguson took the occasion of the postgame to complain about... wait for it... wait for it...

Yes, the officiating.

Oh, Sir Alex what we would do without your ritual bitching that you are on the business end of every whistle despite the fact that pretty much the opposite is the case? I think I'd dance a jig, but that's a post for another day.

Anyway, first SAF came out to say that Rooney atoned for his dive in the box: "He apologised to me and said he didn't mean to do that. Then I gave him a lollipop for admitting he was being dishonest."

Okay, I made that last part up, but hey, someone gave Fergie a map to the high road. Too bad he summarily used it to wipe his Scottish ass. He continued: "I think he's been watching (Villarreal forward) Robert Pires too much. At least he apologised to their players. You'd never see Pires do that."

So even when a United player dives, a) his actions are still laudable relative to other players who do the same thing and b) it's an occasion to take a cheap shot at an opponent. Curious choice of Pires there, too. Wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that he used to play for Arsenal, would it?

Then SAF added this gem about Cristiano Ronaldo: "The systematic fouling on him, that's what's now happening. It's a tactic. Eventually the referee thinks he's diving all the time." Actually the referee thinks he's diving all the time because he is diving all the time. Ronaldo starts trying to locate the ref as he's going to the ground so he knows where to aim the pouty face as he appeals for a whistle.

Finally Sir Alex made the assessment that "The referee was very fair and strict with both teams." Okay, so here's the stat line: Villareal were whistled for 10 fouls and United for 24; meanwhile United were given 2 yellow cards while Villarreal were shown 3 yellows and one straight red.

Here's the comment from the Soccernet gamecast on the red card: "Oh! A straight red for Capdevila after a foul on Ronaldo. Not much in it really, a bit of a high leg, and it was late, yes, but that's never a straight red. Ronaldo did his bit of course."

So, United is clearly the more physical team (almost 2 and a half as many fouls!) yet they receive fewer cards and get to play the last 10 minutes with a man advantage after a dubious sending off for Capdevilla, but no, United is the one who is being treated unfairly by the referees.

At least Baghdad Bob was slightly amusing in his inability to grasp reality. But even he got one correct every now and then..

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Enslaved footballer gets all the ladies

At UF World HQ, it has become obvious to us that football fans are less interested in the transfer travails of enslaved footballers, and more interested in those footballer's love lives. Specifically, pictures of their conquests, and the less clothed, the better. With that in mind, today we take a look at Cristiano Ronaldo's rumored latest conquest, an Italian television presenter named Letizia Filippi.

By the way, Ronaldo's "tan" has made him as orange as Tony Kornheiser. Are they long lost relatives?

We save the NSFW pics for after the jump.

The Sun (NSFW) has all of the gory details. Seems that when Ronaldo and his ex, Nereida Gallardo, were vacationing last month in Italy, Filippi made Ronaldo change his mind on the usefulness of his Spanish mistress. Casting Gallardo aside, Ronaldo immediately started chasing the Eye-Tie.

Eh, you don't care, do you?

Pics ahoy!




Finally, for the more adventurous of you out there who are armed with a magnifying glass, there is this probable photoshop. Enjoy!

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Nereida Gallardo Is Undeterred

Despite being dumped by Cristiano Ronaldo last week, the Portuguese wanna-be pinup model's appetite for the spotlight and cameras has not been deterred.

She and a friend have hit a Majorca beach to compete with Cristiano for the melanoma award this summer. And, God bless her heart, which is located right under her breasts, for she has gone topless in full view of the paparazzi.

She's such a little vixen (NSFW obviously).

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Euro Eulogy: Portugal

Note: I would have been posting earlier today, but I only just finished masturba-I mean, working, after seeing Fowler and Macca playing on the same pitch again for the first time in ages

Well, Cristiano. You were knocked out of the tournament days ago, and it's still hilarious to me. You and your gelled, flamboyant collective of footballing talent couldn't get it done against the efficient Germans.

Might this be a good moment to talk about your move to Spain now?

Portugal were enjoyable to watch, for the most part. Some of the showboating late in the game against Turkey was a bit much, but then again, that's the role Portugal plays in tournaments. You're the older brother of the family, the guy who knows he's good and lets his charm ruin him at the most inopportune time.

You ever try to date two or more girls at the same time? For the first month or so, everything is going swimmingly well; you have seen them all a couple of times and managed to explain away your disappearances to each of them when you've been seeing one of the others on the side. And then, you take one to dinner, and the others show up separately for a bite to eat at the same restaurant, and you end up walking home covered in soup, spittle, and with a couple of buttons missing from your shirt.

That, my friends, is Portugal. Blessed beyond God's will with talent at all positions, they are apt to a brainfart when it counts the most.

Deco was masterful at times, and downright ordinary in others. C-Ron seems to think that his natural gift and avalanche of accolades is enough to win matches, but it's really not. Even when the Dallas Cowboys were ridiculously loaded with talent in the 90s, they still lost from time to time. Remember this.

Boswinga is off to Chelsea, as is the now-finished manager, Big Phil. How many others will follow them? Could we see the Algarve transplanted to Stamford Bridge? Heck, he's already got 3/4 of the backline, what's another 2 or 3 matter? Deco's been linked, as has the pacy but greedy Quaresma.

Drogba's going to need to learn how to say "fuck you" in yet another language if this carnival keeps up!

In all seriousness, it's hard for any of us to say that we didn't see this coming. The quintessential counter-attack team, like many within pissing distance of the Mediterranean; they're a nightmare moving forward, but an embarrassment at the back. It's fun to watch when the scenario keeps repeating itself: C-Ron, Carvalho and co losing in the knockout stages to a far more disciplined team. Sure, Portugal got back into it as the clock ticked down, and Germany looked rather rattled, but it amounted to little.

You have to wonder when Portugal will learn. Could they pull a Russia and bring in the ultimate ball-breaker tactician to finally get them over the hump? Charisma is clearly not something needed in management there, as the players have more than enough to go around.

No, the only way for them to move forward is to strip their coaching candidates of a sense of humor, and pick the most miserable, irritable one. It's the only hope they've got: in a team full of petulant children, who's going to enforce the law?

There's only really one option: Avram Grant.

Seriously though... C-Ron might well pack a bag for the Costa del Sol and spend his seasons in the Bernabeu, but constant failure at the international level is never something that sits well.

And if a real ornery bastard isn't given the job, well, we know where to bet our money when South Africa '10 rolls around.

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Post About Nothing

These are getting old. But seemingly the Ronaldo-to-Real rumors already seem older. What der Fuhrer says about Arsenal is spot on though.

Anyway, time to put these to bed, kids. Unless someone wants to script one with Redknapp losing his shit over £9 million for Crouch being turned down.

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