Rich owner wants to restrain other rich owners

Oh look at him, the cheeky scamp

Mohamed Al Fayed has a plan.

The owner of Fulham FC, the team of Clint Dempsey and surely Obama's favorite EPL team, hasn't said much in the media for a while, but thankfully, this got him a moment of attention, sparing us all yet more column inches reserved for Big Sam's flapping jowls, Sir Alex's frothing discontent, and inanities from John Terry.

Basically, Al Fayed wants a salary cap in the EPL.

Here we go again!

So yeah, a salary cap in the EPL. Naturally, as these caps are wont to do, it would perhaps bring the league into that nirvana-like state known as parity.

It's something owners love because it finally gives those middling ones a chance to compete. No longer must they battle and struggle to maintain their mid-table foothold; nay, perhaps we'll see something majestic and unexpected, like Blackburn winning a league title (yes, for the love of Gerrard, I know LFC haven't managed that, please don't remind me). Granted, their team was stacked to the rafters with a payroll quite handsome for its day, but I digress.

The advertisers, marketing wizards and broadcasters grit their teeth at the sheer unpredictability of it all, because it forces them to send their preening, coiffured broadcasters and pundits to the league's least exotic climes. Perhaps a pivotal Sunday afternoon game from Sunderland? Or maybe Fratton Park could become the next Old Trafford? No, TV loves a bankable sure thing, meaning we get 50,000 games a year from Emirates or Stamford Bridge.

Fayed's point is simple:

"Our expenses bill rose by 17 percent last year. How can it be right for top players to be earning 15-20 million pounds a year? It's crazy. These wages need to be capped, but I worry that it won't happen because the Premier League and the FA (Football Association) are run by donkeys who don't understand business, who are dazzled by money.

If the world wants to keep players in pocket for tens of thousands of pounds every week, then let the Premier League and the FA negotiate with Sky and other broadcasters for a share of the billions that they make in profit from our product, from my product. Because, at present, they don't. All around the world, football fans are paying to watch top matches on TV.

And yet do most clubs see any of that money? No. We are hopelessly dependent on our end-of-season league placing to determine our share of the cash. It makes a difference of feast or famine every season.

Yet even then, except for the top four clubs, we're only talking about a difference of (a) few million, which doesn't get you far.

Fair play, Mo. I mean, we could readjust the TV revenues and profit-sharing somewhat to make things more even, without gutting the entire system and forcing teams to abide by a cap. That is a smart idea.

But let's not be naive about the greater point here: the beauty of the EPL is its free-for-all when it comes to wages and contract structures. Without the retarded amount of money being slung around, would we ever see the world's best fighting to play in England?

Without the big money due to salary restraints, the quality of the squads would drop (something really affecting the top tier of teams), the quality of play would drop to something akin to the mind-numbing hoof-ball of Serie A, and the TV revenue would drop because people might take up more traditional weekend pursuits like hiking, camping, and casual sex.

And yet, without the cap, all the good players turn up (don't get me wrong, plenty of crap ones do as well...) to accept the gold bullion of EPL, and thus TV/sponsorship/branding/etc etc etc are all satisfied.

So really, how do we change the system to make it more fair? Is there even a way to do that? You'd imagine such a proposition would never pass, else all the top clubs (funded by loans, mind you) wouldn't have the scratch to hold their teams together.

Fiscal responsibility is important; in the last week, several news stories have cropped up condemning the business practices of the big clubs for their large, unnecessary squad sizes, their financial stability, and so on, and so forth.

Fayed is right about one thing, mind you:

I speak my mind and other chairmen should too. They need to wake up from their coma and join me in this fight with the Premier League and the FA. In fact, they can come and have lunch with me at Harrods, where I can serve them stags' testicles from my Scottish estate, Balnagown. We all need big balls in this business."

It sure would require some balls to make such a staggering, inconceivable change to the EPL. Mind you, would those FA execs really want to munch on deer nuts in order to figure it out?

Oh, and when evaluating his "radical" idea, note that his comments came on the back-end of an emphatic denial about rumours that he is looking to sell the Cottagers. So he might not care after all. Just another millionaire looking to run a bait and switch.

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UF Quick Throw: Bullard on the move?

Sky Sports News has just reported that Fulham have accepted a bid of £5 million from Hull City for Jimmy Bullard. Details (well, links) as they appear on the interwebs.

Requisite linkage. Who would have guessed it would be from Sky Sports?

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UF Monday MarketPlace

Welcome to the Christmas Congestion edition of the UF Monday MarketPlace. We’re back from a week’s hiatus and hoping your portfolio has not suffered in our absence. In any case, let’s get straight down to it.



BUY! BUY ! BUY!


...until we freak out on national television and tell you to sell the kids for food.

Buy Arsenal— Ughh… this is painful to write. But let’s be fair, Arsenal are about the surest bet in English football these days. The relegation zone is like an off campus bar at midnight, one in, one out. Top of the league is a mess. No one wants it. For reliable returns, pick up stock in the Gunners. They’ve tied Liverpool and beat Chelsea, lost to Stoke and Fulham… they’ll beat Villa next week, then lose home to Pompey a couple days later. And you know what? They’ll still be in 4th/5th place. Deny this, you scum, I dare you.

Buy Fulham— Here’s one the MarketPlace got right a couple weeks ago. Number Eight with a bullet, some decent holiday results and the prospect of European football at the Cottage becomes entirely viable. If they can nab 2 or 3 points from their next two (at Spurs, home for Chelsea) and hold on to Bullard through January’s silly season, I’d say Seventh is theirs to lose.

Buy English teams with financial troubles and troubled assets— hold the line just another ten days lads, Juande Ramos is coming to bail you out. Lassana Diarra for £20 million and Portsmouth are considerably better off than a week ago. There’s still blood lingering in the water, but not like we thought. As for the other rumors—too many to list—let’s just say, for me at least, if they want to pay a cent for Roman Pavlyunchenko, Levy should cover the shipping costs.

Buy The New Manager Effect— Ricky Sbragia… Big Sam… Redknapp and Kinnear a bit earlier… It’s happy hunting for new EPL managers this year. So get ready for Man City to explode in late January. Hughes will be out. Three or four high priced international stars in. David Pleat’s postman could pull these guys out of the relegation zone.

Buy Spanish clubs in the Champs League— Villareal get Panathinaikos, Atletico get Porto, Barcelona get Lyon, and Juande gets Liverpool. At least three of the four go through, the latter being the most in doubt.

Sell! For Chrissakes, Sell it all! Light it on fire, just be done with it!!


...until next week, when everything bounces back but your checking account. Sawwrry.

Sell the Beckham-MLS marriage— The end is nigh. He’ll come back from Milan in the spring, but the next trip out will be the last. With all the talk of building the American game, Youth Academies, etc… it comes down to this: the decision to leave Europe was made in haste. About four years too early. Becks thought he was through for England and Madrid, and so he made his move. But a funny thing happened about five minutes after signing up with Alexi Lalas (Lalas!) McClaren couldn’t qualify for the Euros and Capello was forced to put him back in the lineup. Beckham was caught like Juliet standing over dead Romeo.

Sell Mark Hughes— Captain Obvious says: Unless you’re in this for the long haul, it’s time to make the move. Vote of confidence or not. Only a couple days left now…

Sell The Club World Cup— Not good for business when the highlight of your tournament is a split decision between a Fergie press conference and Carlos Tevez’s touchline tantrum. It’s nice for the Asian and South American clubs, but for our Anglo-centric purposes, a complete bummer.

Sell Leeds and Forest returning to the top flight anytime soon— Leeds may be due for some NME now that Gary Mac’s been told to pack, but automatic promotion is out of the question and who-fuckin-knows with a League 1 playoff. Forest are rooted to the near-bottom of the Colaship. Glory days are far off.

Sell English tabloid rumor-mongering / the January transfer window— Some rags are better than others, but there’s reason to expect this January will be any different than the last. No big players or teams make moves of real consequence as anyone of value is cup-tied. For entertainment’s sake, Citeh will do it’s best to nut money on anyone who’ll take it and Juande should be counted on to do some arse-backward stuff with his Real riches.

Sell Gareth Southgate— Nothing to do with this week. Middlesbrough haven’t been terrible. It goes back to the Woody Allen thing about dead sharks.

Sell yer (new) laptops, Ipswich!-- Norwich is just gonna send more Cubans to steal them anyway...

Wait! Hold Still! Do Nothing! Freeze Up! We're confounded...



Hold on Liverpool— The second half at the Emirates was an exercise in waste. Arsenal lose Cesc and Adebayor in ten minutes playing time and how do the league leaders respond? By playing on their heels and leaving Ryan Babel on the bench until the 87th minute, is how. This would be an easy Sell if not for the profligate Chelsea and stuck-in-the-mud United. For the Kop’s sake, Torres better get back soon.

Hold on QPR— Read this quickie from the Beebs: Experiencing boutique football at QPR… The set-up doesn’t seem as unhealthy as the headline might imply. The new manager seems to have an idea of what’s up. The dedication, and better, the cash seem to be there. And still, it all seems kind of sheisty. Or so it seems.

Hold on Djibril Cisse— Buy the form, sell the hair, Bigus says. I’d have to agree. Of course, neither is permanent, so take your chances.

Enjoy Spartak and Everton... we'll seeya next year!

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UF Monday Market Place

The Market Place is back for its second week. And with a new cool new graphic. See it? Up above... clever, eh? Credit to Bigus. In case you missed the first edition, a reminder: Past performance is not indicative of future returns. We're just as clueless as everyone else, if occasionally more droll. Like this chair.




BUY! BUY ! BUY!

...until we freak out on national television and tell you to sell the kids for food.

Buy Barca-- This as much a comment on the sorry state of Real as it is about the marauding Catalans. Barcelona dropped four on then-second place Valencia Saturday-- apparently some French guy had a big game-- then watched Madrid come back twice, only to lose 4-3 on an 85th min goal from Sevilla's Renato. The vultures are in flight to the capital.

Buy Fulham-- Haven't lost since November 1. Haven't lost at home since September 27. Three straight draws with Liverpool, Villa, and Man. City. We're in. Rescue Roy was no fluke. The middle of the table is their playground. Oh, and try to pick up a some Jimmy Bullard-backed derivatives while your wallet's open.

Buy The Hoff-- UF's favorite Germans dropped a three-pointer with Bayern on Friday, but goal differential keeps them first. Scoring for Hoffenheim in that game... who else? Vedad Ibisevic. The One That Got Away is a goal machine. Too bad he's "Bosnian" and will never see a big international stage. Bigus loves these guys because they play in a small town where everyone's related, the bartenders to the nuns, the farmers to their cattle, etc.

Buy FC Nantes-- A big boost for the little guys this weekend. Ivan Klasnic and his many kidneys netted two, including a winner to nip perpetual champs Lyon at the death. With it, Les Canaris took a nice, long 3-point stride clear of the drop. And they play in the city that inspired this.

Buy Women's Soccer... In America A nice weekend for the ladies. The U.S. U-20 team are World Cup champs and North Carolina knocks off previously undefeated and untied Notre Dame for their 1,243rd NCAA title.

Buy Hibernian's John Rankin-- True or not, the Cabbage man says his side actually practiced the long range "squiggler" he used to beat Celtic's Artur Boruc this weekend. Said Rankin, "There was maybe a wee bit of luck on my part, but I'm delighted and I'll take the goal." Way to throw the "wee" in there pal. All class.

Buy Norwich City's Inevitable Letdown Loss vs...-- Watford. They'd have probably lost anyway, but coming off an either really thrilling or really pedestrian derby win, they're a sure bet.

Buy The Big Four staying The Big Four-- With all that's gone wrong for this group, there's little doubt (Sorry Villa) that come May it won't be some variation on Chelsea, Man. U., Liverpool, Arsenal. The Premier League is like Jazz: There's a lot happening. Moving parts. But in the end, it's just a few notes over and over in different permutations.
-----

Sell! For Chrissakes, Sell it all! Light it on fire, just be done with it!!



...until next week, when everything bounces back but your checking account. Sawwrry.

Sell Robbie Keane-- Liverpool would if they could. So why not you? Keane never made it off the bench Saturday. Not that it hurt much. Liverpool rolled Blackburn (we'll get to them in a minute) 3-1. And though we're not buying rumors Rafa is actually trying to sell Keane back to Spurs, some of us really enjoy the fact that someone is making them up.

Sell Bayern Munich manager Uli Hoeness-- Has his boys in a deadlock with The Hoff atop the Bundesliga after a last minute winner in Munich. But don't be fooled, Hoeness enjoys the win with a glass of red-faced whine. He's upset with the media's treatment of The Hoff... biggest fairy tale he's every seen... too much money... they can never win a general election... wants a series of townhall-style debates...

Sell Paul Ince-- On our Poo List for the second week running. We reckon Keane's departure from Sunderland has undone his last few hinges.

Sell Joleon Lescott-- Two wonderful goals. Noted. Now go put your shirt back on and play defense. Idiot.

Sell MLS in Seattle-- Peter Vagenas? Freddie Ljungberg? Hardly the cornerstones of a franchise that's going to do anything meaningful. Then again, if a team from New York can be Western Conference Champions, is anything really meaningful about your league?

Sell Newcastle-- Heroic performance at the Bridge, then you give up a 92nd minute equalizer to Stoke. Joe Kinnear won't last past the end of the season when they have a chance to really reevaluate their team.

And while you're at it, sell on anyone you know who might have actually predicted, or god forbid, bet on Newcastle to win this game. I'm not saying they shouldn't have won before or won't win again, but you can't ever expect it.

Sell the Ballon d'Or-- Sell it or re-name it the EPL MVP Award, because as fantastic as Ronaldo was in EPL play last season, that's how much he disappointed in the Champs League and Euro '08. He missed two PKs, one in the final, for Man. U. and lasted barely a week in Austria/Switzerland. Does that count for nothing? I'd have voted for Liverpool's Fantasic Fragile Fernado-- incredible debut season in England, Euro-winner playing alone up top against Germany-- over Ronaldo. Or Iker Casillas, the world's best keeper by a mile and winner of both La Liga and Euro '08.

Sell Artur Boruc-- He's like Heurelho Gomes without the brilliant saves! Quoteth Mad Dog Russo: "Heeeeeee Stinks!"
-----

Wait! Hold Still! Do Nothing! Freeze Up! We're confounded...


Hold on the Sunderland players-- Keane skipped out on them days before a trip to Old Trafford. So how do they respond? By losing. But they went down hard, defending well and looking generally glad to be rid of the Irishman. Will it be enough to keep them from yet another drop? We'll see.

Hold on Bolton-- Best November points-wise of anyone can't be spoiled by a loss to an angry Chelsea bunch (the Blues: Unbeaten after home losses this year!) Looks like these guys will be Wandering around England, putting Premier League crowds to sleep for at least another year.

Hold on Marouane Fellaini's 'fro There's some conflicting feelings here about this bizarre head fungus. I'd be inclined to sell, but there are just so few magical 'fros running around these days. If someone else steps in to fill the gap we'll ditch the guy in a second. How about Aaron Lennon? He's certainly capable. Imagine a huge pop-up 'fro running circles around the midfield, taking runs down the right... pounding crosses into defenders' shins... I'd buy that.

Read more on "UF Monday Market Place"...

Dispatches from the Relegation Zone

UF has a sterling track record of letting supporters of all stripes have their say-- always with a composed, balanced prose-- on their club. Yes, Bigus and his Canary Love may have slipped through the editorial cracks, but that fact that even three percent of his lust letters to Darren Huckerby actually get posted to the site is proof enough. Shit, my hero Joep wrote like a thousand words on Holland's group stage play during the Euros.

For the reason stated above, and because he's the man, I'd like to introduce you all to Captain Fulhamerica. He's an American ex-pat, living in London, and spending-- like so many other American ex-pats have-- his Saturday afternoons at Craven Cottage. Always a proper footy fan, and something of a 'keeper in his time, the Captain has kept me entertained with his dispatches from the relegation zone for some time now. Enjoy...



Headed home...
They called him "McGod"-- some of them at least-- and now he's gone. The man who for so many seasons near single-headedly kept Fulham afloat is now in Chicago, where we imagine the ghost of Jimmy Bullard will haunt his dreams. It's life after McBride for those crazy Cottagers and their evident despair (wait foooor it...) is a testament to the club's annual flirtation with the drop. The question this season then, as always, is whether Fulham can find some kind of drama that doesn't involve the threat of bus trips to Norwich and Scunthorpe.

(TLL note: the following "interview" has been culled from a wide-ranging email exchange that goes back to before Fulham's Saturday defeat at Hull.)

The Likely Lad: Captain, your thoughts on the upcoming season?

Gera will be our best signing hands down. The guy is an absolute Stud. Captain of the Hungarian team, was by far the Baggies best player last year and we got him on a Free how? Blows my mind. Our wings actually look excellent with Simon Davies easily being our top performer last year and again, Gera is just class.

Now, the Middle is the issue (mid and defending…). Who do we play? We have Bullard (well overrated, yea I said it… takes a mean free kick but that’s it. I've seen him play about 246 stupid balls that have almost and sometimes actually materialised in gift goals for the opposition, been taking loads of stupid shots when we have 1 – 3 people in much better positions on breaks… wouldn’t mind offloading him for 5 million quid if we could get it, given his dodgy knee and all…). Who else – D Murph, who I believe will be captain, he's a little less risky than Bullard, which is both good and bad. Andreasson and Andanik both more defensive minded but both REALLY REALLY good in my opinion… looking forward to watching these two get their time in. Andreasson is our only ‘hard’ guy.

Defence – Stoor was a huge signing on the right, hope to see him in their over Pantsil. Better both defensively and offensively… no brainer Roy, do the right thing… Konch on the left is decent, a bit overrated as well I think as ive seen him get burned quite a bit last year, but by the end he strengthened up and started making good runs. Hope this keeps up.

In the middle, the jolly giant Hangeland has been quite good actually, another captain candidate, but against the likes of LPool and Manure, he looked crossed up… granted that’s with most teams’ backs though. Hughes – other central defender, hes good. Not Great, but good. Waltzing Mark Schwartzer is money, good upgrade although I did love Keller (TLL note: Dude, seriously?)(almost caught his Jersey when we won at Reading, after our first win in roughly 32,572,468 away matches… cue the Great Escape tune!)

I'd like to see one more signing, another strong center back if possible… we've done a lot of other strengthening in terms of our squad so we have depth, but that's my starting XI.

When the inevitable injuries start piling up, we'll start throwing in our bench, which looks like our starting squad from last year. That's OK, I guess, but I’m not up for another season as frustrating as the last.

Captain Fulhamerica's next paragraph began with the words: "Off to Hull for the weekend..." He then goes on to hedge about how many points he'd expect his lads to take off the newbies, eventually settling on settling for a draw. He also called Gera "The Magyar Magician," which, if Saturday was any indication, may well prove prescient... ho ho! The Captain ended his screed by predicting an 11th place finish (TLL note: Hey, that's my club' slot!)

The Likely Lad: What was that you just said about Bullard? You'd be playing at Coventry... or Norwich if it wasn't for his "246 stupid balls."


The nerve to call this lad unattractive!

Don’t get me wrong. I very much do enjoy Jimmy B, he’s the sweetheart of the team, the jokester, one of those guys that could kick you in the bollocks but you’d have to forgive him just looking at his endearing smile (even though he is quite ugly if I must say so myself).

He’s been our most creative player along with Dempsey, but the ratio of creativeness to goals isn’t too high, to be honest and sometimes quite dangerous as stated before. He works really hard too, constantly all over the pitch but gets caught moving forward too often leaving our mid wiiiiiiiiide open. I’m telling you, pair him up with Andanik in the middle rather than Murph and we might be on to something.

Speaking of Dempsey, remember the Americans? He’ll make a few sub appearances but shouldn’t be starting over Gera. Boca gone, Keller gone, McLegend will be forever missed... and Eddie Johnson: his sole use is for songs along the lines of "Your wife is gonna leave you cos we got two Johnsons"... stuff like that.

The Likely Lad (on Monday): So big fella, how was the trip? Who had a worse weekend, Spurs or Fulham. Tell us of your travels!

The train up to Hull found myself having a few with some Spuds on the way up to Borough. They were optimistic about the season and rightfully so (TLL: The Captain has put off panic mode, for everyone, for this week at least), they agreed that a 12th spot finish would be doable for my (not so) mighty Fulham as well. But we aren’t here to talk about Spuds anyway is we… (TLL: Certainly not. Thank God.)

Lets just hope Roy Roy really does have that much of an impact in terms of the spirit of the lads, as he showed once again his tactics are sub-par. Why on earth would he start Seol? I wasn’t surprised (or happy) to see Bullard and Murph pair up in the middle either, and to be honest after the first 20 minutes I was fairly confident the result would be roughly 5 – 0 to the whites.

Then, as Fulham often do, we stopped playing. Just stopped, played as though we won the match already and stopped going in hard for tackles and the first/second balls other than Pantsil, surprisingly, who seemed to play the hardest along with waltzing Mark Schwartzer…

Nevertheless, we needed a substitution at roughly the 60 minute mark. We all noticed it in the Fulham end. All shouting to bring on fresh legs, maybe spark some inspiration in the rest of the lads but no – then Konch makes the mistake and we're down 2-1. Then the 70th minute, still no subs. 80th minute and still no subs… Taking off Zamora in the 85th minute as your first sub? That’s a fairly shotty job if you ask me. I guess we just have to have faith he’ll sort it out…

Gera – shocking. He could’ve had a hat trick in the first half alone but didn’t even get a shot off. Im still confused about that. Simon Davies, as per usual, good game that goes unnoticed to the untrained eye (BBC and the like…).

Positives from the day – the usual Away banterdom b/w fans. Hull's support were brilliant and got their lads moving. Got me out of my seat more than Fulham did and made the trip worth while, to be honest. There was also that first 20 minutes: We looked like a Prem team who cared as well.

Oh well, in for another frustrating season? I sure hope not… Bring on the Arsenal!!!

So there you have it folks. Direct from the frontline. The battle for 17th place continues on Saturday, at the Cottage, against those ghastly Gooners. Until then, let's send our best to Captain Fulhamerica!

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EPL Previews: Fulhamerica!

With the departures of Keller, Bocanegra, and McBride, Craven Cottage will be decidedly less xenophobic this season.

On the upside, fewer Americans might also mean less of a struggle to avoid the drop.

Or not.

Last season the Cottagers won four of their last five to keep their Premiership afloat. And even then it was just barely as they survived on goal difference alone. But Keller was the keeper during that run, and McBride also returned to the line-up shortly before then, giving the team an emotional (and scoring) lift. So the Americans had a strong hand in keeping Mohamed Al-Fayed's club in the top tier.

See, we don't hate all brown people.

Anyway, Roy Hodgson has made some decent off season moves. Andy Johnson isn't one of them.

Bringing Mark Schwartzer over from Boro and Fredrik Stoor in from Rosenborg should help shore up the defense. Remember, Fulham lost three of their first four by a score of 2-1. In all three of those instances they either held a lead at some point (Ha, ha, Lehmann) or were level at the 75th minute or later. They then drew their next four fixtures after holding late leads in two of them.

In other words, if they hadn't sucked late early, they wouldn't have been worrying so late. The upgrades in back should help them defend leads, assuming of course they get some.

To that end Bobby Zamora is a serviceable striker who should give the Cottagers a little scoring boost. Also allowing Clint Dempsey to play a more comfortable midfield position should help the same. Hell, just having Jimmy Bullard healthy for a full season will be beneficial. Plus, even with the lower Yank quotient, Fulham maintains a soft spot in my heart simply for fielding a player who could be Bob Pollard's body double (and he plays like a guy with bulldog skin).

The Cottagers also benefit by the widening gulf between the Premiership in the Championship. Hull and Stoke are almost locks to finish 19th and 20th. That means that Fulham (and everyone else for that matter) just have to be better than one more team.

And in a league with Stupid Fucking Bolton, that shouldn't be too tough.

Read more on "EPL Previews: Fulhamerica!"...

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World!

Stop the World, I want to get off! I thought I'd seen it all...

- Over 50% of the U.S voting population re-elected George Bush in 2004.

- Every winter, truck Drivers transport 6 tons worth of supplies at a time over 300 miles on frozen lakes.

- People actually bought Taylor Hicks records.

- Spurs are playing in the UEFA cup this year, and people actually paid good money to see this movie...

But no, something more incredible has happened....Fulham are paying Everton 13 million quid for Andrew 'Submarine' Johnson. 13 million pounds for a guy who runs around the pitch like a headless chicken before conning the ref that he actually had a chance to score when he completes a triple twist somersault unlike any you will see in Beijing this Summer.

If this guy is worth 13 million then Robbie Keane's move to Liverfourth should be trebled. 100 million for Kaka is starting to look like a right old bargain. 11 million smackers for Crouch? Sale of the f------ century.

Bigus... it sounds like you really loathe this Johnson fellow?

I actually do...For a couple of reasons. One, he dived in injury time of a game (the penultimate) for Palace against Norwich, winning a penalty and securing a point for Palace, robbing City of 3 points that would have meant Premiership survival for Bigus' super Canaries! And... two, I cannot bare to see a diver wearing the England shirt. It makes me want to vomit.

Even with my partial opinion of submarine Johnson, I have sought my soul and still find it reasonable to attack this transfer as a sign of the apocalypse, an indication that money in football has spiraled out of control and a decent clue that Fulham manager Roy Hodgson couldn't spot a talented player if he was transported here or here.

So what are Fulham getting for 13 million quid? Well you will get 1 goal every 4 games, many of which are penalties of course. Johnson scored a record 8 penalties in Crystal Palace's relegation season of 2005. They are getting a player who has no credibility and has been criticized by many managers for his talent of finding the floor in the box.

Jose Mourinho famously called Johnson "untrustworthy" after a game in Dec 2006. Neil Warnock accused him of "gamesmanship" after he had won a penalty against Sheffield United.

But Jose, Warnock and old Bigus are all nuts right? He doesn't really dive more often than the red arrows?

I'll leave you with this...

-Bigus.

Read more on "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World!"...

Loose Lips Sink Marginal Young Football Careers

Thank god for football. Without it, we might still be caught up in the insane notion that the English are even a modicum more intelligent or classy than us, Il Brutto Americani.

I understand that your average professional footballer has never been held in high regard by the Limey intellectual classes, but the actions of this blustery young buck, Ashley-Paul Robinson-- formerly, reports have it, of Crystal Palace-- are worthy of a special note.

Defying the impossible standards of the 21st century athlete, Robinson has managed to captivate us with the particular indiscretions that led to his summary dismissal from Neil Warnock's Championship contenders.

The highly-rated-enough-to-get-a- clandestine-call-from-Fulham winger went behind the backs of his bosses at Palace for a workout with Bullard and the Boys, hoping for a transfer push into the top flight. Nothing wrong with that of course, it's the nature of the game. But there was one other issue...

More concerned with Pussy Galore than pulling off a 007-esque sweep into Craven Cottage, Robinson delivered a running Facebook status commentary on his trials.

From Saturday:

"Ashley-Paul is goin fulham on monday. If i pull dis off im on dis ting."

From Sunday:

"Ashley-Paul is travling 2 Bath With Fulham Fingers Crossed.(Im lukin 2 Get Sum Tips Of Jimmy Bullard He's ON DIS TING NO HYPE LOL"

And finally, after the milk had spilled, no crying:

"Ashley-Paul has been very naughty lol!"

LOL indeed, mate!

Said Neil Warnock, after expressing his disgust and releasing the 18-year-old: "We feel it's probably better that he looks elsewhere to further his career."

MySpace, perhaps?

Read more on "Loose Lips Sink Marginal Young Football Careers"...

Fulhamapalooza

Not to beat Eight Belles with this, but, yes, it is another Fulham-UEFA Cup post (to go with this and this).

Of interest is the new Fair Play table.

It has been updated, but only to go back in time. Where it used to say "Matches up to and including 5th May 2008," it now reads "Matches up to and including 28th April 2008" (of course even that depends on when you, the reader, click on the link).

Not that you wouldn't believe us, but after the jump is a screenshot of the cached page.



Anyway you can see the old "newer" date below the "Fair Play Table" heading on the table itself (well, you might need to click on the image to make it large enough so you can see that the FA has indeed mastered time travel).

This presumably means a couple of things. First, the cards from Fulham's match against Birmingham City (two yellows) come back into play. That's an automatic minus-two points. Citeh, who played Liverfourth in the penultimate week of the season, had no cards for that match week.

Second, it allows the FA more wiggle room in awarding positive (or negative) points. I'm not insinuating they are up to anything nefarious, but if Fulham does make up the point gap, it looks a lot less suspicious if it happened over a two week period than over a single match. Like the kids say: "I'm not saying, I'm just saying."

Finally, looking at the table gives us a little insight into the whole idea of whether wikipedia is correct or not with its fan behavio(u)r in the list of criteria. It's not.

Really, can't believe none of us thought to actually look at the point breakdown on that table itself but the categories are: "R/Y, P/P, R/O, R/R, B/O" which, respectively, stand for "Red & Yellow Cards, Positive Play, Respect Towards Opponent, Respect Toward Referee, Behavior of Officials."

Nothing for the fans. So chair-throwing Citeh spectators can breath easy knowing that they didn't fuck their club. Although the players themselves might have taken care of that for them. Really, losing 8-1 to 'Boro should disqualify you from anything.

Except maybe playing in MLS.

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BREAKING: Unconfirmed Rumor that Fulham Has Earned the UEFA Spot

My mate Adam just texted me to say that Fox Soccer Channel totally just announced that Fulham will get the UEFA fair play spot -- a story that, as far as we can tell, we were the first to break.

Yup, this constitutes an exclusive for UF. God knows it's probably wrong but, well, we're a blog so we are supposed to get things wrong.

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USA! USA! USA!

So what if it was an Englishman with an Irish surname who scored the clinching goal, Fulhamerica survive. Yippee.

Hey. we are nothing if not partial around here.

And, with Manchester City seemingly trying to throw away any shot at the Fair Play spot it doesn't seem out of the realm of metaphysical possibility that Fulham will get to play in Europe's NIT next season.

But let's not get greedy.

Anyway, congrats to the Cottagers. We're happy that at least a couple of Americans will continue to be employed in the EPL next season (Bocanegra is proabably out and not many people can figure out how Keller got signed in the first place but, eh, that will all get sorted out in time).

So for now, bring on the hookers!

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This Might Be One of the Funnier Things Ever

Fulhamerica play for their EPL (suck it, Barclay's) life tomorrow. And the baby Jesus must love the lads because, miraculously, they control their own destiny, although they are at Pompey while Reading get to play the Washington Generals Derby County, so they are by no means a favorite to avoid the drop.

But even if the Cottagers fall, they could end up in Europe next season.

Huh?

Okay, by "could" we mean we're guessing at a couple of things without bothering to look them up because the thought of them adds just one more layer of delicious intrigue to the final week viewing of EPL football but it still doesn't seem entirely impossible.

Follow along after the jump as we walk irresponsibly through this.

Where Enlgand the country suck as football—enjoy that summer vacation, boys—their league teams are very nice in the way they go about their business. So the EPL has managed to earn another UEFA Cup spot by topping Europe's fair play (or is that Fair Play?) rankings.

Currently EPL Fair Play 5th placers Man City are the highest ranked team without a guaranteed spot in Europe.

The entire table can be seen here but it's not the soap opera that is Man City that's of interest here, or of interest to us—frankly we can't collectively bring ourselves to care much about Citeh around these parts save maybe for their sweeping of United—its the MLS East club sitting in seventh.

So the first thing we're too lazy to look up: Is it possible to jump .06 of a fair play point in one weekend? We could probably do the maths but that seems like a lot of work when this kind of wild baseless speculation is more fun.

But if that kind of jump is possible, Fulham could conceivably get to that last Fair Play spot on points.

Perhaps some loyal Svenites at Citeh are so upset with the way that Trashcan Sinatra has left the coach dangling, that they might be happy to pick up some gratuitous cards, harass the refs and the opponents, and just generally have a good old time dropping Fair Play points this weekend.

In that instance, assuming Everton sew up their spot, Fulham would be the highest ranked remaining Fair Play team left in the Prem.

What we also don't know is that if there is some provision stating that a club has to maintain its top flight status to keep the spot. But still, how awesome would it be if Fulham couldn't keep it up but managed to snake a spot in Europe next season?

Might almost taking the sting out of dropping. Okay, it won't mitigate a full £50M sting, but still, it's a decent parting gift.

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Jimmy and Brian's Excellent Adventure at the Bottom of the EPL: Fulhamerica Hoping to Avoid the Drop

EXCELLENT!
It would be a death-defying escape act, but Fulham have a chance to avoid relegation despite being in the drop zone since December. One need only look at this chart – during which Fulham earned only 6 points in December, January and February – and see the flatline to which the doctor should have long ago called the time of death. And yet, Fulham have three wins in their last five games, including key victories over Reading and Birmingham. What has triggered Fulham’s decent run of play lately? Arguably, it’s two words: Bullard and McBride.

You see, when your team is languishing at the bottom of the Premier League, and you are fielding short defenders, and you basically stink to high heaven, a couple of cagey veterans with fantastic workrates can be the difference between 16th place and 19th. It’s hard not to root for Bullard and McBride. They both came back from potentially career-ending injuries. McBride is in the twilight of his career, but has become one of the most beloved players at Fulham. Bullard only looks like he’s in the twilight of his career (amazingly, he’s only 29 years old), but his surgeon famously stated that his injury a couple seasons ago “looked like a bomb had gone off in his knee.” In other words, McBride and Bullard are the antidote for every preening EPL player making 75,000 quid a week.

Roy Hodgson’s kitchen sink strategy seems to paying off by rotating Erik Nevland, David Healy and Diomansy Kamara up front. And what of our fair Fulamericans? Well, Dempsey continues to start regularly and contribute, although I personally worry that he might have plateaued as of late. As for Bocanegra, he’s been on the bench a lot recently, which happened to have coincided with Fulham’s recent strong play. Draw from that what you will, but one has to wonder if there’s a future for Bocanegra in the Premier League, or if he’s destined to move to MLS soon.

Despite being 93 years old, Casey Keller has made a number of first team appearances, and surely his experience has helped settle Fulham. And then Eddie Johnson, who perhaps needs a full season before he can adapt to English football, or as I suspect really just isn’t all that good of a player - or, just doesn't have the work ethic to become one.

On Sunday, Fulham travel to Portsmouth, where a win would likely secure safety (as crap as Derby are, it’s hard to imagine Reading making up a six goal difference). A tie or a loss to Pompey would mean Fulham need help, and a lot of help, because as mentioned Reading play Derby and would surely leapfrog Fulham out of the drop zone. Birmingham play Blackburn, but they are behind by a point and the scenario is bleak for them.

So, for Fulham, it’s basically down to win and defy the odds. You would have to imagine that Portsmouth will not be up for the game, with nothing to play for except avoiding injuries going into the FA Cup final. Nothing should be taken for granted, however, especially at the ass-end of the league. At least Fulham have put themselves in a position to pull it off.

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It's Alive

"It" being Fulham(ls).

Diomansy Kamara came on as a 64th minute substitution to spark a 3 goalsplosion for Fulham and overcome a 2-0 deficit against Citeh, saving the Cottagers from certain relegation.

Leaving them in just probable relegation.

In fact at one point Saturday, had the results held, Fulham was officially relegated. That was probably when the Liverpool b-team was getting a scoring lesson from Birmingham and Fulham was being Fulham.

But then Kamara went nuts. Okay, it was just a brace, including the stoppage time winner), and Danny Murphy had to tap in a missed PK, but still Fulhamerica lives. And pro-rate that shit out. Two goals in 25 minutes. He would have had 7.2 over the full 90.

Anyway, Fluham's win is big news around here because well, we're Americans. And we love America.

Still, looking at the two remaining fixtures, it's still going to be VERY tough for Fulham to avoid the drop because Reading get to play Derby the final week of the season. And Derby is the worst team in maybe the history of the EPL (suck it, Barclay's). In fact even next week Reading might get a break as they get a Tottenham team that has clearly mailed it in (a home draw to fucking Bolton?).

Figure Fulham need at least four points and make it to 34. Three of those have to come in a win at home to Birmingham next week. Then also at least a point at Fratton Park. The good news is that Portsmouth might be resting everyone remotely skilled in advance of the FA Cup final.

They also need some help then. Again, Reading, currently on 33 points will probably get to 36 against Derby. So, the best chance of that help might be in the form of Sunderland. If Sunderland can win at Bolton next week, that would probably leave the Wanderers stuck on 33 as they finish at Chelsea, and Chelsea is still likely playing for a shot at the Prem that last week. So Bolton have no chance at Stamford Bridge.

It's a long shot. Unless you think Derby can double their win total for the season at the expense of Reading.

You just knew the Cottagers would rue all 12 of those early season 87th minute collapses. But hey, Lawrie Sanchez looked sharp on those sidelines.

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Fulham : USA :: Manchester City : ____?____

What do the 3 stars mean, anyway?

A) Guyana
B) Mozambique
C) Mexico
D) Slovakia
E) Russia

The answer, my friends, is always C.

Man City, having picked up Nery Castillo in the January transfer window, is now rumored to be preparing a bid to pry Giovanni dos Santos (Johnny Two Saints) from Barcelona. Look at that little baby face. Ricky Hatton would love to have that around. You know, to make him look more like an actual fighter.

The question is, is this a new trend or a continuation of an old one? In the 1979 FA Cup final, Arsenal took on Manchester United. Unlike just five years prior, when the game was only contested by Englishmen, this game featured a mix from around the Isles. Arsenal started 3 Irishmen as well as 3 Northern Irish. Manchester United started five Scots and only three Englishmen. It would seem that the teams were buying groups of players that they felt would compete well together because of shared background.

I say that this is the rough equivalent of what some teams are doing today. You can definitely see it when looking at Fulham under Lawrie Sanchez and Roy Hodgson. Besides the five Americans, Sanchez also brought in a couple of Northern Irish players. Of course, when you look at the results for Fulham this season, perhaps Sven-Goran should get the hint and let Johnny Two Saints land somewhere else.

Thanks to Random Country Generator for the random country generation.

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The Ballad of Eddie Johnson

On a Saturday full of massive upsets in the FA Cup, most Americans were paying attention to the Blackburn vs. Fulham game. Why? Well, because Fulham sports an inordinate number of American players. Although Carlos Bocanegra and Brian McBride were on the bench for the game, on the pitch were GK Kasey Keller, Clint Dempsey, and Eddie Johnson. We here at UF were eager to see how EJ would perform, given his recent move to the EPL. Check out the exclusive video below for a match assessment.

Seriously? EJ's performance against Blackburn made these guys look good in comparison.

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One Man's Opinion: Why the English can't manage their own team

Former Fulham miracle worker Chris Coleman has left his latest post in Spain after a seven month stint. The smart money is that he will make a move back the isles when the opportunity arises. Coleman may not have had the best run is Spain, but he did gain a little of what most British managers lack, international experience. In the long run, I believe the ingrained reluctance of British managers to go to the continent for experience will hurt the Home Nations', and specifically England's, ability to find a home-grown coach to successfully manage their national squads.

Seriously, this is a long post. Go grab a drink and come back.

Coleman does not have a long C.V. at the manager's position. His first position came at Fulham, initially as a caretaker, then as permanent manager in 2003. He has been cited as the manager who did the best job with the least amount to work with in his time at Fulham, steering the team clear of relegation every season. He was sacked in 2007 late in the season, on the heels of a seven game winless streak. Despite Coleman's relative inexperience, John Toshack recommended him for the job at Real Sociedad, one of Toshack's former clubs.

Chris Coleman

John Toshack is an interesting character. In an era where many British and Irish managers played hot potato with jobs in England, he has forged a thirty year managerial career holding only one British job, his first position at Swansea City. Since he left Swansea, he has taken top spots in Portugal, Spain, Turkey, France, and Italy while also helming the Welsh national team twice. In short, he's just the kind of NT Manager one would like, successful at many different clubs in many different leagues, and a man who knows how players and managers from other continental leagues think.

John Toshack

Toshack had three stints in charge of Real Sociedad, twice leading them to Copa del Rey titles. It is safe to say that he is well regarded in San Sebastian. So, after their relegation last season, when the club was looking for a new manager, Toshack brought Coleman to the club. He acted as a go between, allowing the sides to feel each other out. A couple of interviews later, Coleman was hired, and his adventure began.

It started out rough for Coleman, as he did not speak the local language. When he showed up 90 minutes late for a press conference, he cited a broken washing machine instead of telling the truth, that he was hung over after showing some visiting friends the town. Still, as time went on, he made headway. He produced and won with a young squad with local talent, and he scaled the language barrier, taking on pressers without an interpreter. However, in the fickle climate of Spanish football, he felt hung out to dry when new team president Inaki Badiola was elected. Despite assurances that he would be allowed to continue to run the team, Coleman felt the writing was on the wall and resigned.

Sadly, this deprived Wales of something they could use in the future, a native manager with lots of international experience. But, as stated above, at least he has some. England, on the other hand, has no one waiting in the wings for when Capello leaves. Almost every English manager whose name was brought up in the last go around suffered on two fronts--no international experience, and lack of long-term experience overall. If England do not start to produce managers with a combination of these two parts, one of two things will happen. Either we will see England's NT job filled by foreign managers, an unappetizing thought for many Englishmen, or we will continue to see England languish on the International stage.

Why England will not see success with an English coach

If you look at World Cup winning managers of the last 20 years, three things stand out. They either had long-term experience at the National level (Beckenbauer), had extensive international experience (Parriera, Scolari) or had extensive (20+ years) experience managing domestically (Jacquet, Lippi). I submit to you that each of these different experiences helps significantly on the international stage. Long-term work with the National Team leads to a great understanding of wht you have to work with. Globe-hopping allows for a coach to get to know many different styles of play. Not only to implement within his own squad, but to know what to expect from other teams. While long-term domestic managing means that you learn subtle nuances of how your countrymen play, allowing a manager to better fit a squad together. In the last English NT manager search, the only candidate who approached these stats was Capello.

What is interesting is that from Terry Venables and before, England managers often fit the above mold. Venables had the international experience, Taylor had the long-term domestic experience, Robson had the long-term NT experience, and so on all the way back to Alf Ramsey. But in 1996, there was a sea change. Glenn Hoddle was hired on the back of five years experience with two domestic clubs. Kevin Keegan similarly had managed two squads for seven years. Steve McClaren had coached one squad for five years. Only one England manager over the last 12 years has had a NT worthy C.V., the foreigner Sven-Goran Eriksson. Who, incidentally, was the most successful English NT manager over that time frame. Why is it that England no longer produces successful native managers?

The easiest way to rectify the current situation would be to hire managers that have scads of experience in the domestic top flight. Unfortunately, the current state of English managers in the EPL (suck it, Barclay's) would not help. Of the 20 squads, only 10 have English managers. Of those 10, only 3 meet my criteria, Roy Hodgson, Steve Coppell, and Harry Redknapp. Of these three, Redknapp is tainted by scandal, Coppell is sorely underrated and was not seriously considered, and Roy Hodgson, well, he's an enigma.I

Why not Roy Hodgson?

Hodgson would seem to fit the profile--30 years of experience, most of that international, and he has managed 3 NT teams to boot. Yet his name never came up when the most recent search was conducted. I attribute this to two reasons magnified by one source. First of all, Hodgson, before taking over at Fulham, had not managed in England since a brief stint at Blackburn in 1998. Therefore, he effectively had no face time before the FA, the press or the fans. Out of sight, out of mind, it would seem. Secondly, his record is not the best, especially in England. I think a good but of this comes because he often manages squads that are overmatched against their competition, but I would need to invest more time on this before I strictly believed this for myself. That said, the press would never give him a shot, and in today's climate, the press run opinion in England.

Roy Hodgson

We see it every time there is a new manager opening in England. Immediate, uninformed speculation rules the initial reports. I mean, how many managers were in line for the top spot before Kelvin Koogan took over at Newcastle? The fact is, that in England, when it come to football, the press seems to make the speculations fact instead of gleaning facts out of speculation. Hodgson could never get on a short list in England prior to now because the press wouldn't know what to do with him. He was a forgotten man, and since the press didn't rate him, it seems that the FA did not either.

Who else is out there for England?

This is bound to meet with skepticism, and believe me, I understand why. But there is one manager out there whom I think will make a solid candidate once Capello moves on, pr even after. That man is Stuart Pearce. Currently in place as the England Under-21 manager, he seems like a man who wants to do the job at the National level. He does have a modicum of experience at Manchester City, but openly lobbied for his current position while he was there. With his job, he will see the young players coming up, and will presumably have access to the coaches at the full national level. The wild card here is whether or not Pearce goes back to club coaching. Given the way he went after the position, and his knowledge of the necessity for immediate results at the club level, I don't think he will be tempted. Given a couple of years seasoning at the U-21 level, followed by a stint as an assistant on the full NT squad, I think that Pearce could be up for the challenge of taking England to a level it has not seen in decades.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your next trophy winning England manager

Depending on the players, of course, but that's a whole other article.

All images courtesy of bbc.co.uk

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Fulham, You're So Moneyball and You Don't Even Know It

So you probably heard, Eddie Johnson is now the fifth and latest member of the "Fulhamerica" contingent at Craven Cottage. Though perhaps more curiously, he is just one of five strikers that Roy Hodgson will have potentially signed by the end of the January transfer window, with Marlon King, Daniel Cousin, Erik Nevland, and even Jari frickin Litmanen linked with the Lillywhites.

That's not to mention the forwards who are already at Fulham, including the incumbent Yanks Clint Dempsey and Brian McBride, as well as Hameur Bouazza and Diomansy Kamara!

Granted, the aformentioned players aren't exactly in the class of Dirk Kuyt, anyone who has watched Fulham play this season can tell you that their problems lie in the middle and the back; their reliance on long balls means they do lose possession and run out of gas too easily. Combine that with the lack of size and an authoritative central midfielder, and you can see why they allow so many goals in the last 10 minutes of the match.

So why another American? And why so many forwards when they really need defenders and defensive midfielders?

First question is easy - Americans are, relative to their value, cheap. Americans are reasonably priced, and for the most part, they've turned out to be decent investments in the past. Plus, they already speak English and the second-class status of the sport in the US means they aren't prima donnas. American players are the soccer equivalent of the emerging market stock - if you know what you're doing, you're going to get great price-to-earnings ratio.

And their insistence on creating a glut of forwards? For the same reason Fulham likes them Yank boys - market inefficiency. My fellow Unprofessional foulers have pointed out that defenders and midfielders are expensive, especially in January when demand outweighs supply, and recent history is littered with January acquisitions gone wrong. Rather than make a desperation buy on a player who might not improve their chances significantly, it's better to buy reasonably priced assets whose value would be about the same in the summer, when they'll either be selling off players (if they go down) or looking to fill their needs in the transfer market (if they stay up).

If nothing else, the surplus of forwards might allow Dempsey, who's often isolated up top and forced to come back deep to get the ball, to drop back into midfield. Anyway, here's hoping that even if Fulham does relegated, at least some of the American 5 will find jobs elsewhere in the Premiership.

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