SERENITY NOW!!!

I am not an angry man.

This isn't a mantra; it's truth. Over the years, I've taken strides in hopes of letting that which doesn't truly doesn't matter, slide. For the most part, it's helped. No longer does my throat ache from yelling at idiots making boneheaded choices in traffic. When a complete stranger does something douchey in my presence, I just go about my business. Say the gentleman parked next to me at the grocery store loads his wares into his trunk, takes a look around and decides he can't be bothered to push that grocery cart 20 yards to return it, instead opting to save three calories by leaving it there resting safely in his parking space. Why should I get sucked into his black hole by publicly calling him out on it? ("Wow, that's impressively fucking lazy" has been a favorite.)

No, it's just not worth it anymore; Not to my general demeanor, not to my blood pressure, not to my chakra(s)*. If it really doesn't hurt me, it has to be healthier to just let it go.

Except when I've absolutely had enough. And, let me tell you, I've absolutely had enough.

What is it that's driven me over the edge? Premiership teams.

Or, to be more exact, Premiership teams and their utter insistence on letting Manchester United back into match after match, pissing away whatever lead they have, capitulating to SAF and band of merry douchebags and gifting that Manc scum point after point after point.

Time after time after time, United find ways back into matches in ways other teams don't even dream of continuing to give effort in. Granted, it's the hallmark of champions. I'll give them that. Even my own beloved Liverpool have adopted this mentality on multiple occasions this season, snatched undeserved points at the death. Yet, eventually, you'd think somebody would sack up, if even by accident, and deny United points. Aren't the lot of you tired of seeing this happen time and time again?

Why do you fuckers refuse to just beat this team? (or even hold on for a fucking draw?!)

The latest string of near-misses has made a mockery of this on-going situation. First it was Aston Villa, up 2-1 at Old Trafford, with just over ten minutes left in the match before they flipped the switch from attacking to sitting back to soak up the inevitable United kitchen sink. Of course, His Douchieness scores. Then, in injury time (after SAF gave the 4th official THAT look), a fucking 17-year old finds a winner. What COULD have been three dropped points, what SHOULD have been one dropped point, turns into three gained points for the defending champions.

Onto the next crime scene: The Stadium of Light. Sunderland have fought tooth and nail to come from behind to knot the match at ones. Cisse almost puts them ahead, but finds side-netting. But, the Mackems stick to the script and let that greasy 17-year old claim the lion's share 15 minutes from time.

After United dispatch Pompey in the next fixture, they welcomed Spurs to OT. Coming up on the hour, Spurs have the champs down 2-nil. Shocking right? No, what was shocking was the way the Yids imploded. After a bullshit penalty to pull back a goal, United slot four more past the Tottenham "defence" (including three in three minutes) to wipe our minds clean of any earlier daydreams of a Spurs victory.

It's all just too much. I need some help. The madness has to end. Surely somebody, somewhere, can put an end to it?!

Serenity now.

Serenity NOW!

SERENITY NOW!

HOOCHIE MOMMA!!!

*I have no idea if I used that in the correct sense

Read more on "SERENITY NOW!!!"...

The SAF Tour of Truth Continues!

Sir Alex Ferguson and his best friend Ronnie

A while ago we suggested that perhaps Sir Alex Ferguson was a little out of touch with the truth when it comes to his boys at ManUre. Well, it turns out that he's at it again! Join me after the jump to find out what ridiculous bullshit has come out this time.


On Saturday, ahead of the Manchester derby the next day, Sir Alex (and who made this clown a knight, anyway?) announced that he was tired of the poor treatment that Ronadlo was receiving on the pitch from opposing players and supporters of opposing clubs. He went so far as to say:

"Who is cheating football? It's not Cristiano. How do we know who the cheats are in this game? It's stupid - it's a stupid game."

Ignoring the fact that he may have just referred to footy as "stupid" (perhaps he was calling the "game" of identifying cheaters a stupid one), it's pretty clear that SAF thinks that Ronaldo's shit don't stink.

So he doesn't cheat, eh?



I don't know about all of you, but that doesn't look kosher to me. And the very next day after SAF was singing his praises! He's another angle:



Sir Alex's explanation?

"He tried to stop the ball from hitting his face," said Ferguson.

"He thought he had heard a whistle, he got a little push as well and it is not as if he punched the ball. The crowd played a part and he got sent off."

But Mark Hughes is no fool.

"It was a clear handball. It was a soft sending off but clearly a second bookable offence.

"I don't know what reason he will give for doing it but if he says the ball was going to hit him in the face why didn't he head it?"

Umm, because he's a douchebag?

Read more on "The SAF Tour of Truth Continues!"...

Sir Alex Ferguson Saeed al-Sahaf

So after yet another rather listless 0-0 draw for United against Villarreal, Sir Alex Ferguson took the occasion of the postgame to complain about... wait for it... wait for it...

Yes, the officiating.

Oh, Sir Alex what we would do without your ritual bitching that you are on the business end of every whistle despite the fact that pretty much the opposite is the case? I think I'd dance a jig, but that's a post for another day.

Anyway, first SAF came out to say that Rooney atoned for his dive in the box: "He apologised to me and said he didn't mean to do that. Then I gave him a lollipop for admitting he was being dishonest."

Okay, I made that last part up, but hey, someone gave Fergie a map to the high road. Too bad he summarily used it to wipe his Scottish ass. He continued: "I think he's been watching (Villarreal forward) Robert Pires too much. At least he apologised to their players. You'd never see Pires do that."

So even when a United player dives, a) his actions are still laudable relative to other players who do the same thing and b) it's an occasion to take a cheap shot at an opponent. Curious choice of Pires there, too. Wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that he used to play for Arsenal, would it?

Then SAF added this gem about Cristiano Ronaldo: "The systematic fouling on him, that's what's now happening. It's a tactic. Eventually the referee thinks he's diving all the time." Actually the referee thinks he's diving all the time because he is diving all the time. Ronaldo starts trying to locate the ref as he's going to the ground so he knows where to aim the pouty face as he appeals for a whistle.

Finally Sir Alex made the assessment that "The referee was very fair and strict with both teams." Okay, so here's the stat line: Villareal were whistled for 10 fouls and United for 24; meanwhile United were given 2 yellow cards while Villarreal were shown 3 yellows and one straight red.

Here's the comment from the Soccernet gamecast on the red card: "Oh! A straight red for Capdevila after a foul on Ronaldo. Not much in it really, a bit of a high leg, and it was late, yes, but that's never a straight red. Ronaldo did his bit of course."

So, United is clearly the more physical team (almost 2 and a half as many fouls!) yet they receive fewer cards and get to play the last 10 minutes with a man advantage after a dubious sending off for Capdevilla, but no, United is the one who is being treated unfairly by the referees.

At least Baghdad Bob was slightly amusing in his inability to grasp reality. But even he got one correct every now and then..

Read more on "Sir Alex Ferguson Saeed al-Sahaf"...

"SAF" Stands For "Sit A Few (Out)"

It's hard to type when your gut-busting laugh ruptures your own spleen, so I'll just quote the folks at the Guardian's Fiver:

"Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has been given a two-match touchline ban and a £10,000 fine by the Football Association following his row with referee Mike Dean after United's 4-3 Premier League win over Hull on November 1."

Okay, before I drag myself off to the ER, let me direct you toward the botton of the same page (link good for today only as it's a daily update). Under the "Rumor Mill" is this little bit of tid: "Arsène Wenger is hoping to sign Spain Under-17 captain Koko Resurreccion in time for next year's Euro Vase campaign."

Forgive my lack of knowledge with the Spanish youth team, but that name sounds totally made up, like worse than Chest Rockwell made up. But if that is an actual player, holy shit, that might be the greatest name in the history of everything.

Anyway, suck it Sir Alex. This is long overdue, your charges are on the beneficial side of the vast majority of dodgy refereeing decisions but you still whinge more than any other manager in the PL. Well, now you've got some time to take out T-C-P.

Read more on ""SAF" Stands For "Sit A Few (Out)""...

Yeah, Been Slacking A Couple of Weeks

See this?

I still can't get my head around that. Chelsea is just three points back. And they play United this weekend. Not only that, the game is at the Bridge where the Blues haven't lost since, I don't know, since like the Cubs were last in the World Series or people used rotary phones.

It is astounding. Haven't they been dreadful? Hasn't Grant managed to manage them down to the level of their opponent week after eye-bleedingly awful week? But there they are. It's like that night you spent the whole time chatting up the hot chick at the party and then right as she is about to give you her number, an ex pops in to the shindig, and, after a 90 second exchange, whisks her home. Only this is worse because it's Chelsea, and there is no EPL (suck it, Barclay's) equivalent of masturbation to placate the epic failure.

The only consolation is that, even if Chelsea can get the win, they will be so far behind on goal differential, they will need another United slip while they face off against a shockingly quasi-competent Newcastle and still utterly useless Bolton. Even then, handing United a championship is no consolation (not here at UF anyways).

How is this possible? I have no answer. But Avram Grant's good fortune has me toying with the idea of returning to religion. And that can't be good for anyone.

Frankly this season has turned out to be sheer torture. My beloved Gunners might have been the best team in the Prem this season and will have nothing to show for it, not even likely the auto-Champions League qualification. Meanwhile the two teams I hate most are having a go at each other for the title. The only thing I can hope for is that both teams so utterly destroy themselves and each other that they both crash out of the CL next week. Ugh.

Of course Fergie is already complaining about that 'unfair' scheduling. Pussy. Somebody should knee him in the nuts.

Oh, wait...

Here's ten pairs of numbers.

0-0
2-0
4-2
1-0
0-1
1-1
0-2
2-2
0-0
0-4 (I'll call this as Arsenal at Pride Park and Theo with a hatty).

Read more on "Yeah, Been Slacking A Couple of Weeks"...