Cold Reception for Bog Standard Blues.

Southend pier is slippery this time of year. A trip to Roots Hall is just as hazardous.

Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea. All of the news about the billion dollar team stuttering must be piling pressure on old Phil Scolari. But, before he can address his teams league form, he has a tricky tie at Southend in the cup to deal with. Tricky on the pitch AND off. The away dressing room at Roots Hall has no heater and one loo. No hot water and barely the room for Joe Cole to swing his manbag. Poor Chelsea. It never rains but pours.


Southend gaffer Steve Tilson says he doesn't go into the away dressing room much. I don't blame him. It's a far cry from the luxury baths and showers at Stamford Bridge. The blues players will have to line up to use the one toilet tomorrow night and if anyone needs a shower they will be taking it cold. The heater in the small room is also busted. Maybe Anelka and Scolari can hug to keep warm. Oh maybe that's not a good idea.

“I don’t go in the away dressing room much. But unless the heater has been fixed since the last game, there’s no doubt it will be cold in there. The away dressing room at Chelsea was very nice. It had carpet. Ours has a concrete floor and even that’s chipped. There’s certainly no room to have a massage unless they decide not to turn on the big bath and have one in there! We also hope it’s windy and the ground’s a bit firm, as that will be a bit of a leveller. Coming here will definitely be a bit of a culture shock for Chelsea.” - Southend manager Steve Tilson.


Will Chelsea's big ego's fit into this small room?

Chelsea head into the replay with Southend after just one win in their last six outings. Southend forced a replay after a late leveller at Stamford Bridge on the 3rd of January.

Scolari's blues will will receive a cold reception on the pitch also as the fans at Roots Hall sit right on top of the action at the tiny ground. Tomorrow night's game could be a deciding factor for Scolari's Chelsea career. Rumors are already swirling over Big Phil's lack of control in the Chelsea dressing room, he will have little control over the heat in Southend's either. But lose to the Shrimpers and he will feel some heat alright.

-Bigus

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No Need To Look Too Hard For The Hole.

Managing a team that features some of the best players in the world should be easy, right? Apparently not. You could ask Real Madrid's previous managers Carlos Queiróz, Bernd Schuster and Guus Hiddink, or just pay attention to what's happening at Stamford Bridge under Big Phil Scolari. Simply put, Chelsea are on the slide, and Scolari could well drag his billion-dollar team to a finish outside of the top four. So what's up with that?

Jose Mourinho was watching on at Old Trafford yesterday as Chelsea were handed their arses by a rampant Manchester United team. Mourinho looked as if he was at a funeral, not only because he was watching Luiz Felipe Scolari undo all of his good work with the saaath Laaandan side, but also because he could see what is in store for his Milan team next month when they play United in the Champions League.

United's performance set out their intentions as far as the EPL title is concerned, but they were not playing the Chelsea we have all been watching over recent seasons. Oh no, this is Scolari's Chelsea, a team that looked uninspired and defeated. All 3 goals were the product of shocking defending yesterday. John Terry stood still as Vidic passed him to head the opener on the stroke of half-time. Cole allowed Rooney to score through his legs and then Terry and Ballack played statues while Berbatov volleyed home between the two. Who is this team? This is not the Chelsea who finished second by 2 points last year and made the final of the Champions League, yet it consists of the same players.

So what's happening at Chelsea under Scolari?

Simple. He is well out of his depth.

Managing a team that is competing for the top honors means you need to be 'on it' daily. The training must be progressive and the team talks need to be an inspiration. Even mega stars need motivating from time to time and given the kind of kick up the backside that Mourinho and his successor Avram Grant were capable of. But it's not just that Scolari is like an old uncle who is a pleasure to be around, telling stories and jokes, everyones mate. He lacks the experience at this level of club football. Sure he has won a World Cup, but club and country are very different experiences. Different skills are required.

Scolari is no day-to-day manager. Recently he comes from the world of national teams, where fit players arrive for a week at a time. He must prepare them for one or two games and motivating a player to play for his country should not be too demanding. The relationship with the players is limited and the training programme of little consequence as your players arrive in good condition and are not with you long enough to have an effect on their long-term fitness.

However, at club level you have to have relationships with all of your players and have to be credible with them daily, from the training regiments to the team talks. If one player doubts your ability in any aspect of management, from the exercise to the theory, the rest will surely follow.

Big Phil's club experience has all come in inferior leagues, including the J-League of Japan, the Saudi League, the Kuwaiti league and in Brazil's A, B and C leagues. Hardly great preparation for the pressure that the Premier League and the Champions League brings is it?

It appears as if Roman got a little carried away with Scolari's international resume. No doubt Big Phil has been a good manager for Brazil and Portugal, but these are part-time jobs. Outside of the 10-15 fixtures a year, an international manager needs to just watch football. I'm not saying it's easy at all; it's not, but some people are suited to that style of management, managing from a distance and having an impact in short bursts.

Managing a Premier League team expected to challenge for the title and make the Champions League semi-final (at least) is another beast entirely. It's a marathon of familiarity and homework. You need the ability to get the best from your players every day and not just for 3 at a time. Great club managers need to be consistent with the players in routine and with discipline. This is something that international guys don't have to deal with.

Chelsea have won just one game of their last 5 Premiership games and this form has allowed Villa and United to catch them. Another slip-up and they will be fighting with Arsenal for 4th place. The alarm bells should have been ringing weeks ago. Cheslea have lost twice at home (Liverpool and Arsenal) in the league this season while Liverpool and United remain un-breached. 4 draws at home has also done serious damage to their title hopes. In other competitions Chelsea are struggling too. They were dumped from the League Cup by Burnley. Last week they failed to beat Southend in the FA Cup, forcing a replay at Roots Hall this week. Chelsea also had to win their last group game to guarantee progression in the Champions League. A home draw with Bordeaux and defeat at Roma meant they had to beat Cluj at Stamford Bridge. Drogba spared their blushes with a winner in a 2-1 victory.

This is the same Chelsea team that Scolari inherited, the same squad that Mourinho built and Grant maintained. He has added Bosingwa and Deco, that's about it. Most would say those are great additions, so the slump cannot be blamed on a lack of quality personnel, can it? (Ed. Note: a few of us reckon Bosingwa has been CFC's best player so far this season)

This is a star-studded side of international footballers, including a couple of international captains too. But something is amiss in the Chelsea camp. The players clearly looked defeated at Old Trafford yesterday. The fight and the effort was missing. Last year's Chelsea battled to the final whistle, while this year's team roll over when they go a goal down and fail to focus for a full 90 mins. Scolari is clearly not capable of driving a top team along on a day-to-day basis. The wheels are starting to fall of.

How long Roman will stick with Scolari is anyones guess, but sliding further will risk Champions League football next season and the revenue it brings in. Abrahmovic will surely sack Scolari before that happens. The Russian has already cut off the supply of cash after spending 650 million pounds and has made it clear that Chelsea have enough resources to compete for the title and the Champions League.

This is one ship that needs a new captain, as the current one is well out of his depth.

-Bigus.

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No WAG For You!

Here at UF, we love a good WAG. Big Phil Scolari, however, does not.

The Spartak London gaffer and Gene Hackman look-a-likey has asked that his players find some nice un-wag-like ladies to settle down with, due to his disdain for the glitz and glamour that so easily sidetracks players and derails a season faster than you can say "Jermain Defoe."

So what's he have to say about it all? Surely there's a good quote or two...

The WAG culture is set in deep at Stamford Bridge, Ashley Cole is married to super WAG Cheryl Cole. Namesake Joe is currently enjoying his WAG Carly Zucker, and she is enjoying the lime-light of reality TV as she stars in I'm a celebrity, Get me out of here. Anelka also keeps a WAG (Barbara Tausia) in togs. Frankie Lamps likes to hang out with his hot Spanish WAG Elen Rives and Champions League Trophy escape artist John Terry has his own WAG, Toni Poole.

Anelka and his WAG.

Big Phil should surely be thinking about his team's chances of dropping out of the Champions League later today. Maybe Big Phil is trying to launch a second career as a match-maker? He may need a job; if Cluj draw or win at the Bridge and Bordeaux beat Roma, that scenario would see them crashing out of the competition leaving Big Phil without a job. He announced last weekend that he would quit if Spartak London lose to Cluj and fail to make the next stage of the CL. But no, Scolari is only interested in WAGs today...

"The best thing for a player in their football life is to have a good wife. If a player has a good wife, you don't need to worry about him. Today, if a player is intelligent, they have money for their family for the second generation and even the fifth generation. But some players don't think about this. Some players only think about today, spending money for the day, spending money on a car, nights out and on this and on that."

So who would Phil prefer his Spartak stars hook up with? Here is the UF Big Phil Suitable Birds Top Ten as suggested by the UF crew, along with possible players that might be compatible. We realize several of the lads are married, but should their star-studded unions shatter like most do (especially when the ladies concerned are impossibly gorgeous), this list is full of suitable fallbacks.

10. Rachel Ray:
Fairly hot, and she cooks! No more nights out at China White, but nights staring at white China. Would be a good fit for Frank Lampard, a man who knows and appreciates a good meal.

9. Carol Vorderman:
You will never need a calculator again. Just let Carol tally up your ridiculous wages. She will also help you spell your name. A good fit for Ashley Cole, whose vanity might well require a lovely lady to tell him how much money he made switching from Arsenal to Spartak.

8. Katie Holmes:
No fear of her looking at another player across the dance floor at Stringfellows. Oh no. Holmes is, well, a Holmes maker. She will bare your child, chop of her hair and join a cult for you. Now that's dedication. Michael Ballack, obviously! With Tom Cruise playing a German in his latest film, me thinks Holmes is just warming up to a far more authoritarian life.

7. Sarah Palin:
Bit MILFY but she would keep you in check. Saturday nights at the witch doctors house to help that Saturday afternoon knock heal and Sundays shooting dinner from a chopper. Then it's back home for some deer dressin' and some baking, maverick-style. More fun? Days off will involve 20 mile snomobile races and icicle counting competitions. You Betcha! Don't forget to wrap up warm, we don't want those soccer balls to freeze. The perfect foil for John Obi Mikel, a man who could use some backcountry discipline.

6. Anne Robinson:
Available to entertain all the kinky school principal fantasies you ever had. Smart, condescending, and will keep the hungry paparazzi at bay with her 'death stare' and collection of ancient torture weapons. "Did you play well today? Were you the weakest defensive link?" Surely the apple of John Terry's eye, as Robinson can soothe his Champions League pain while dishing out the grit needed to helm the Spartak central defense.

5. Erin Burnett:
Sexy, smart and sassy. Has a real career of her own and is unlikely to show up in a bikini in any sort of public forum (though, yoga attire on the Today Show cannot be ruled out). Plus, we generally lust after her. A perfect match for Deco, one whose baffling inconsistency in form could only be explained by someone who can read the stats and make sense of them.

4. Helen Chamberlain:
She clearly knows the sport well thanks to Soccer AM, and her lifelong love of Torquay United might well make her the most boring wife-to-be on the planet. No danger of trouble in the press (although her Penthouse photo shoot makes her a daring choice - NSFW) Ricardo Carvalho could use some south coast culture. He should be so lucky...

3. Jennifer Aniston:
She's flexible/understanding; Can put up with douchebags (see: Mayer, John), pretty-boys (see: Pitt, Brad), big-game-talkers (see: Vaughn, Vince) or basket-cases (see: Wilson, Owen). Methinks if you give her a baby, she'll give you the world. Didier Drogba would work well, as he's a combination of all 4 types of men Aniston has experience with in her dating history.

2. Brandi Chastain:
The ultimate soccer mom! Made famous by her sports bra, she'll surely be able to help out in training while also making sure the kids understand the offside trap. Boring enough and quiet enough for the lumbering giant in goal, Petr Cech.

1. Natalie Portman:
She looks great and will dress up in Star Wars outfits for you. 'Nuff said. Oh you need more? She speaks French, German, Arabic, Japanese and of course Bocce. Joe Cole, step on down! You're the only one small enough and likeable enough to deserve her.

Honorable Mention: Karren Brady
You would be dating a football boss which would give you an advantage in negotiations either because she's your boss or she would give you pointers. Plus, she ain't bad for a millionaire 39 year old lady. She'd have been good for Shevchenko while he was still at the Bridge, mainly because she could have negotiated him a much better career.

Any other potentials that could keep the Spartak London players quiet?

-Bigus.

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No Bienvenidos a Miami

Anelka pondering a transfer to the soon-to-be MLS Miami club and Drogba begging Big Phil

In our second hip-hop related story of the day, Premiership stars Didier Drogba, Nicolas Anelka, Djibril Cisse and El-Hadji Diouf have been banned by their managers from attending Lil' Wayne and Akon's Christmas celebration in Miami. Ryan Babel wants to know where his invite is, he could make some good hip hop contacts and lord knows he's got plenty of time on his hands thanks to Rafa (please Rafa, play Babel up top).



I don't know what's more dumbfounding that Lil' Wayne and Akon know who these guys are or that they see the need to fly snow in from Greenland for the party? Wouldn't it be cheaper to just rent a snowmaking machine? But what do I know? There's a reason I'm a blogger and not a millionaire.

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Euro Eulogy: Portugal

Note: I would have been posting earlier today, but I only just finished masturba-I mean, working, after seeing Fowler and Macca playing on the same pitch again for the first time in ages

Well, Cristiano. You were knocked out of the tournament days ago, and it's still hilarious to me. You and your gelled, flamboyant collective of footballing talent couldn't get it done against the efficient Germans.

Might this be a good moment to talk about your move to Spain now?

Portugal were enjoyable to watch, for the most part. Some of the showboating late in the game against Turkey was a bit much, but then again, that's the role Portugal plays in tournaments. You're the older brother of the family, the guy who knows he's good and lets his charm ruin him at the most inopportune time.

You ever try to date two or more girls at the same time? For the first month or so, everything is going swimmingly well; you have seen them all a couple of times and managed to explain away your disappearances to each of them when you've been seeing one of the others on the side. And then, you take one to dinner, and the others show up separately for a bite to eat at the same restaurant, and you end up walking home covered in soup, spittle, and with a couple of buttons missing from your shirt.

That, my friends, is Portugal. Blessed beyond God's will with talent at all positions, they are apt to a brainfart when it counts the most.

Deco was masterful at times, and downright ordinary in others. C-Ron seems to think that his natural gift and avalanche of accolades is enough to win matches, but it's really not. Even when the Dallas Cowboys were ridiculously loaded with talent in the 90s, they still lost from time to time. Remember this.

Boswinga is off to Chelsea, as is the now-finished manager, Big Phil. How many others will follow them? Could we see the Algarve transplanted to Stamford Bridge? Heck, he's already got 3/4 of the backline, what's another 2 or 3 matter? Deco's been linked, as has the pacy but greedy Quaresma.

Drogba's going to need to learn how to say "fuck you" in yet another language if this carnival keeps up!

In all seriousness, it's hard for any of us to say that we didn't see this coming. The quintessential counter-attack team, like many within pissing distance of the Mediterranean; they're a nightmare moving forward, but an embarrassment at the back. It's fun to watch when the scenario keeps repeating itself: C-Ron, Carvalho and co losing in the knockout stages to a far more disciplined team. Sure, Portugal got back into it as the clock ticked down, and Germany looked rather rattled, but it amounted to little.

You have to wonder when Portugal will learn. Could they pull a Russia and bring in the ultimate ball-breaker tactician to finally get them over the hump? Charisma is clearly not something needed in management there, as the players have more than enough to go around.

No, the only way for them to move forward is to strip their coaching candidates of a sense of humor, and pick the most miserable, irritable one. It's the only hope they've got: in a team full of petulant children, who's going to enforce the law?

There's only really one option: Avram Grant.

Seriously though... C-Ron might well pack a bag for the Costa del Sol and spend his seasons in the Bernabeu, but constant failure at the international level is never something that sits well.

And if a real ornery bastard isn't given the job, well, we know where to bet our money when South Africa '10 rolls around.

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Euro Trash Day 5: "90th minute substitution"

Today we saw our first team eliminated from the tournament, a relegation-style scrum played in a monsoon, and even more off field drama from Portugal. Lets recap, after the jump.

Portugal 3 - Czech Republic 1: Apparently Portugal's team is valued at $600 million dollars, which is absolutely ridiculous to think about. Which probably explains why Roman Abramovich has made it his goal to employ about half of them. This game was kind of scrappy, and Portugal were somewhat flattered by the scoreline. A team with better finishing than the Czechs would have punished some of the mistakes made by PortuChelsea's backline. Botswinga is going to get exposed in England if he doesn't pay a little more attention to his defensive duties. Ronaldo at least put some focus back on the field by netting his first marker of the tournament. Deco and Quaresma scored the other two for the winning side, while Sionko netted one for the Czechs. The soap opera cranked up again, however, when it was announced that Big Phil Scolari is taking over at Chelsea. I'm not sure its a huge distraction, but the timing seems curious. What if Portugal choke again in the latter stages of the tournament? What exactly does timing the announcement today do for Roman, besides keeping his name in the tabloids? Big Phil can ponder what to do with Nicolas Anelka next year at the Bridge over the next few days, as Portugal have qualified for the next round. 

Turkey 2 - Switzerland 1: Due to the downpour, this one was like a dour Bolton - Wigan affair, but was enlivened by a bit of drama at the end. Arda Turan buried one deep into injury time to eliminate the Swiss, exacting a bit of revenge for their elimination in qualification for the last World Cup. No fights today, either. The Turks now face a do or die match with the Czechs in their final game to determine who advances into the next round. 

Linkage: 

Lego football highlights of the Germany Poland game, fan violence not included. 

Ballack gets a bit of service. Hey yo!

Don't let Jim Rome get wind of this. David Villa fractured his finger while hugging Torres in a goal celebration. 

Non Euro 2008 related:

US roster announced for the qualifiers against Barbados. More Adu, less EJ please. 

Beckhams are the cheapest tippers in Hollywood. [via Red Card]

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