UF Quick Throw: Mowbray Unveiled.

What do you do when you can't establish your team in the EPL?

You go to Scotland and bask in being able to win the SPL every other year. Known as the graveyard of football, the two horse league even draws a yawn from those plying their trade in the Ryman League.

West Brom yoyo king Tony Mowbray has finally been unveiled as Celtic's new manager following the departure of Gordon Strachan. Mowbray will be taking his fellow bin man mate Mark Venus and assistant (and worst Norwich manager in the history of the club) Peter Grant with him. Celtic will pay West Brom 2 million for the privileged of Mowbray's giant nose and incomprehensible accent.

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The Good, The Bad, The WTF

Dammit. I thought I had found them all. But no. There was one team that wore plaid well before everyone else. In fact, by my count, they wore it almost 40 years before the plaid shirt craze started in Scotland. Dundee FC, the pride of Tayside (not really what they are called) and Bobby McMahon's favorite club (yep), wore this week's abomination back in 1953.

I have to admit that I had my doubts about this shirt actually having existed. Toffs says that the club wore this shirt on a South African tour back in the middle of last century, but the Dundee website makes no mention of what surely would have been a groundbreaking tour on their official website. It wasn't until I did a little digging that I found confirmation, though the colors are a little different (to my eyes). Anyway, without further ado, here it is.



Hmmm. Black, red and teal. What better way to stoke interest in your club abroad, one whose proud history has featured a dark blue kit since the 1880s (regardless of what the badge says above), than to put together these colors in plaid? What kind of branding and marketing genius put it together? I understand the idea of playing to stereotype on the tour, but why not make the plaid in blue, white and maybe a little red?

The answer, if there is one, may lie in historic family colors from the area. Unfortunately, I do not know. I do know that the city's flag and crest are blue and white, so it could not have some from that. If someone has an answer, I'd surely like to hear it.

This shirt does deserve some merit as it is the first (as far as I can tell) to use a plaid pattern in Scotland. But what, really, does that mean? To paraphrase the old joke, first is really no better than second at the Special Olympics. OK, that's harsh on the Special Olympians. I have had some rewarding days volunteering at the Special Olympics. I see no reward in wearing this shirt.

But wait, there's more! In a teaser to a long, upcoming post (or even a series of posts), good ol' BD sent me some pictures of shirts from his closet. Betcha didn't know that Norwish also fell for the plaid craze, did you? Well, you would if you are a Norwich fan of a specific age, I guess. Anyway, East Anglia was a hotbed for the tartan look too, apparently.


But that's not all! It seems that plaids are not dead in the modern day. This week, Celtic released their new European kit for 2009-10. While it's not the shirt that will be plaid, the shorts will be. Please, oh please, let this be the start of a new and wonderful trend.

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UF Monday Market Place

The Market Place is back for its second week. And with a new cool new graphic. See it? Up above... clever, eh? Credit to Bigus. In case you missed the first edition, a reminder: Past performance is not indicative of future returns. We're just as clueless as everyone else, if occasionally more droll. Like this chair.




BUY! BUY ! BUY!

...until we freak out on national television and tell you to sell the kids for food.

Buy Barca-- This as much a comment on the sorry state of Real as it is about the marauding Catalans. Barcelona dropped four on then-second place Valencia Saturday-- apparently some French guy had a big game-- then watched Madrid come back twice, only to lose 4-3 on an 85th min goal from Sevilla's Renato. The vultures are in flight to the capital.

Buy Fulham-- Haven't lost since November 1. Haven't lost at home since September 27. Three straight draws with Liverpool, Villa, and Man. City. We're in. Rescue Roy was no fluke. The middle of the table is their playground. Oh, and try to pick up a some Jimmy Bullard-backed derivatives while your wallet's open.

Buy The Hoff-- UF's favorite Germans dropped a three-pointer with Bayern on Friday, but goal differential keeps them first. Scoring for Hoffenheim in that game... who else? Vedad Ibisevic. The One That Got Away is a goal machine. Too bad he's "Bosnian" and will never see a big international stage. Bigus loves these guys because they play in a small town where everyone's related, the bartenders to the nuns, the farmers to their cattle, etc.

Buy FC Nantes-- A big boost for the little guys this weekend. Ivan Klasnic and his many kidneys netted two, including a winner to nip perpetual champs Lyon at the death. With it, Les Canaris took a nice, long 3-point stride clear of the drop. And they play in the city that inspired this.

Buy Women's Soccer... In America A nice weekend for the ladies. The U.S. U-20 team are World Cup champs and North Carolina knocks off previously undefeated and untied Notre Dame for their 1,243rd NCAA title.

Buy Hibernian's John Rankin-- True or not, the Cabbage man says his side actually practiced the long range "squiggler" he used to beat Celtic's Artur Boruc this weekend. Said Rankin, "There was maybe a wee bit of luck on my part, but I'm delighted and I'll take the goal." Way to throw the "wee" in there pal. All class.

Buy Norwich City's Inevitable Letdown Loss vs...-- Watford. They'd have probably lost anyway, but coming off an either really thrilling or really pedestrian derby win, they're a sure bet.

Buy The Big Four staying The Big Four-- With all that's gone wrong for this group, there's little doubt (Sorry Villa) that come May it won't be some variation on Chelsea, Man. U., Liverpool, Arsenal. The Premier League is like Jazz: There's a lot happening. Moving parts. But in the end, it's just a few notes over and over in different permutations.
-----

Sell! For Chrissakes, Sell it all! Light it on fire, just be done with it!!



...until next week, when everything bounces back but your checking account. Sawwrry.

Sell Robbie Keane-- Liverpool would if they could. So why not you? Keane never made it off the bench Saturday. Not that it hurt much. Liverpool rolled Blackburn (we'll get to them in a minute) 3-1. And though we're not buying rumors Rafa is actually trying to sell Keane back to Spurs, some of us really enjoy the fact that someone is making them up.

Sell Bayern Munich manager Uli Hoeness-- Has his boys in a deadlock with The Hoff atop the Bundesliga after a last minute winner in Munich. But don't be fooled, Hoeness enjoys the win with a glass of red-faced whine. He's upset with the media's treatment of The Hoff... biggest fairy tale he's every seen... too much money... they can never win a general election... wants a series of townhall-style debates...

Sell Paul Ince-- On our Poo List for the second week running. We reckon Keane's departure from Sunderland has undone his last few hinges.

Sell Joleon Lescott-- Two wonderful goals. Noted. Now go put your shirt back on and play defense. Idiot.

Sell MLS in Seattle-- Peter Vagenas? Freddie Ljungberg? Hardly the cornerstones of a franchise that's going to do anything meaningful. Then again, if a team from New York can be Western Conference Champions, is anything really meaningful about your league?

Sell Newcastle-- Heroic performance at the Bridge, then you give up a 92nd minute equalizer to Stoke. Joe Kinnear won't last past the end of the season when they have a chance to really reevaluate their team.

And while you're at it, sell on anyone you know who might have actually predicted, or god forbid, bet on Newcastle to win this game. I'm not saying they shouldn't have won before or won't win again, but you can't ever expect it.

Sell the Ballon d'Or-- Sell it or re-name it the EPL MVP Award, because as fantastic as Ronaldo was in EPL play last season, that's how much he disappointed in the Champs League and Euro '08. He missed two PKs, one in the final, for Man. U. and lasted barely a week in Austria/Switzerland. Does that count for nothing? I'd have voted for Liverpool's Fantasic Fragile Fernado-- incredible debut season in England, Euro-winner playing alone up top against Germany-- over Ronaldo. Or Iker Casillas, the world's best keeper by a mile and winner of both La Liga and Euro '08.

Sell Artur Boruc-- He's like Heurelho Gomes without the brilliant saves! Quoteth Mad Dog Russo: "Heeeeeee Stinks!"
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Wait! Hold Still! Do Nothing! Freeze Up! We're confounded...


Hold on the Sunderland players-- Keane skipped out on them days before a trip to Old Trafford. So how do they respond? By losing. But they went down hard, defending well and looking generally glad to be rid of the Irishman. Will it be enough to keep them from yet another drop? We'll see.

Hold on Bolton-- Best November points-wise of anyone can't be spoiled by a loss to an angry Chelsea bunch (the Blues: Unbeaten after home losses this year!) Looks like these guys will be Wandering around England, putting Premier League crowds to sleep for at least another year.

Hold on Marouane Fellaini's 'fro There's some conflicting feelings here about this bizarre head fungus. I'd be inclined to sell, but there are just so few magical 'fros running around these days. If someone else steps in to fill the gap we'll ditch the guy in a second. How about Aaron Lennon? He's certainly capable. Imagine a huge pop-up 'fro running circles around the midfield, taking runs down the right... pounding crosses into defenders' shins... I'd buy that.

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UF Quick Throw: Boruc makes his case for GK of the Year

Artur Boruc didn't make it any easier for Celtic at Hibernian this past weekend. With the score at 0-0 and the game delicately poised, poor Artur did his best Heurelho impression. And one wonders why goalies frequently sell for 8-10 million pounds. [101 Great Goals]

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Shun-Celtic Cashamora

Celtic Midfielder Shunsuke Nakamura is set to quit Scotland FOR JAPAN at just 30 years old. Join me to speculate why, after the jump.

Nakamura currently has a ankle injury that is strapped before every game and the Japanese middy fears that his career could end short if he continues to play in the wet conditions that Scotland offers him weekly. Of course we all know that it doesn't rain in Japan.

But it will this week! Why would he be playing injured? Surely Celtic would rather have a fit Shunsuke, no? Even with the expense of a lay-off for treatment?

So is the weather the real reason or does Shunsuke want out Parkhead? Could the team in his desired destination be offering him lots of money? Nothing screams ambition like a move to the Yokohama Morino's right?

"I want to play football for a long time but at the moment my right ankle is giving me problems. I have to get it heavily strapped before every game I play in. I want to be the best I can be and I'm not able to do that right now. It is frustrating."

- Nakamura yesterday.

Oh, so he wants to be the best he can be! Then the J-League is the right place. After all, Gary Lineker thought so didn't he? When Nagoya Grampus Eight offered him a handsome salary and gave Tottenham 5 million smackers back in 1991. Nothing like a final pay day to bring out the bullshit, regardless of the language it's spoken in.

-Bigus.

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CL Open Thread

Now that everyone here got the Roma-CFR Cluj matchup completely wrong, it's time to move onto Matchday 2. Arsenal, Celtic and Manchester United are you British teams involved, With ManU-Villareal apparently our ESPN2 game of the week. Given that the early listing was for Real Madrid-BATE Borisov, I'll take it. If you don't like that game, please feel free to browse our links. There is one that should really help you out.
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Cristiano Ronaldo will be making his season debut for Manchester United tonight. That is, if he gets off the bench. Unfortunately for us American fans, The Haitian Sensation is not on Villareal's Champions League roster, though Giuseppe Rossi is. Bastard.

Match-ups and lineups after the jump.

Group E
Celtic-Aalborg
Manchester United-Villareal

Group F
Lyon-Fiorentina
Steaua Bucharest-Bayern Munich

Group G
Dynamo Kiev-Arsenal
Porto-Fenerbahce

Group H
Juventus-Zenit St Petersburg
Real Madrid-BATE Borisov


Lineups
Celtic: Boruc, Hinkel, Caldwell, McManus, Naylor, Nakamura, Robson, Brown, Maloney, Samaras, McDonald
Aalborg: Zaza, Beauchamp, Jakobsen, Olfers, Pedersen, Curth, Johansson, Augustinussen, Risgard, Enevoldsen, Saganowski

Manchester United: Van der Sar; Ferdinand, Evra, Neville, Evans; Hargreaves, Fletcher, Park, Nani; Rooney, Tevez. Subs: Anderson, O'Shea, Ronaldo, Vidic, Brown, Foster, Giggs
Villareal: Diego Lopez; Gonzalo, Capdevilla, Angel Lopez, Godin; Fernandez, Eguren, Edmilson, Cani, Pires; Franco. Subs: Viera, Llorente, ibagaza, Fuentes, Cazorla, Senna, Venta

Dynamo Kiev: Bogush, Betao, Diakhate, Mykhalyk, Nesmachniy, Vukojevic, Yussuf, Yeremenko, Aliev, Ninkovic, Bangoura. Subs: Shovkovskiy, Ghioane, Morozyuk, Shatskikh, Kravets,
Arsenal: Almunia; Sagna, Toure, Gallas, Clichy; Walcott, Fabregas, Song, Denilson; Van Persie, Adebayor. Subs: Fabianski, Vela, Eboue, Bendtner, Ramsey, Wilshere, Djourou

Alright, it's Lingering Bursitis here. I have no idea what I'm undertaking, but I thought that since I'd found a Real Madrid v. BATE Borisov feed, I might as well do a half-hearted liveblog (while still technically at work). Call it madness, but I could probably bank on us being the only ones around with that depth of coverage.

2 mins: Raul goes close to scoring. The feed is in Portuguese. This is not going to be easy.

5 mins: All Real so far, unsurprisingly. BATE elicit loud wolf-whistles for hoofing their sole possession downfield.

11 mins: GOAL REAL MADRID... nice build-up. Robben's romp down the left wins a corner. Van der Vaart takes it short, and Guti's low "cross" scuffs across the box to Sergio Ramos, all alone on the back post, and he one-times it through Veremko's legs. Real Madrid 1, BATE Borisov 0 (Ramos 11")

And brilliantly, the patchy Portuguese feed goes down. What the hell was I thinking anyway? I'm just playing out a crisis on the blog... the need to do something about soccer completely overwhelming my better nature.

Time to troll for another obscure game to cover.

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Scotland Wrap Up 07/08

Because your internet access only goes so far, we are here to let you know exactly how things finished up in Scotland, and how that jibes with what we wrote at the halfway point. The top and bottom picks look pretty good, but the middle gets kind of murky. Oh well, no one is perfect.

SPL Final Standings
Celtic (89 points)
Right off the bat, here's one I got correct, and even for the reasons stated. Back in January, Rangers and Celtic were in a dead heat, and Rangers had two games in hand--aganst Gretna and St. Mirren. On the surface, it would look like Rangers had the advantage. Instead, as I astutely pointed out, Rangers were set to face some serious fixture congestion, and they did. As April and May unfolded, Celtic kept winning in the league, unburdened by cup runs. Rangers on the other hand were chasing an impossible quadruple. As Rangers were facing a need-to-win match seemingly every three days in the last month, they faltered, giving Celtic the title.

Rangers (86)
As mentioned above, Rangers were done in by their quadruple dreams. Back in January, they had just been knocked out of the Champions League into the UEFA Cup. I opined that they would go further in the UEFA Cup than Celtic in the Champions League, but I had no idea they would go so far. Rangers made it all the way to the final, where they lost 2-0 to Zenit St. Petersburg. What killed Rangers' ambition in the end was not the SFA, no matter what fans may think, but too many games in general. when the season ended on May 24 with a win over Queen of the South in the SFA Cup final, Rangers had not had a midweek without a game since March 22. From March 29 to May 24, Rangers played 18 matches. To their credit, Rangers were in every competition to the end, and could have pipped Celtic on the last day of league, if they had bettered Celtic's result. Celtic won, Rangers lost, and the dream was over. Rangers do finish with the cup double to hang their hats on.

Motherwell (60)
This is where the prediction start to look rather dodgy. In January, Motherwell had just lost their captain Phil O'Donnell after he collapsed and died on the pitch against Dundee United. I said that the death would cause Motherwell, at the time in third, to freefall in the standings and that a sixth place finish would be lucky. Boy was I wrong. Instead, all of the teams around them faltered and Motherwell turned out to be surprisingly resilient. For their season-long effort, the team will be rewarded with a UEFA Cup spot next season.

Aberdeen (53)
Sure, it was a homer pick, but it looked so good on paper. Based on their shock advancement in the UEFA Cup and their early activity in the January transfer window, I thought Aberdeen would easily end up third in the league. Instead they managed a pretty shocking fourth. I say a shocking fourth place because of how they got there. After Aberdeen was dumped out of the UEFA Cup by Bayern Munich, everything fell apart. Aberdeen was struggling with injuries at the time, with up to 9 first-teamers out of the lineup. The Bayern loss was in the middle of a 9-game non-winning streak where Aberdeen fell from fifth to ninth in the league with four games left before the split. Aberdeen got 9 of 12 available points, and pipped Falkirk into the top 6. From there, Aberdeen did well enough to overtake Hibs and Dundee United for fourth place. If only they had not met the beast that is Queen of the South in the Scottish Cup semis (after knocking out Celtic-away!).

Dundee United (52; +6GD)
First of all, for those of you who are not familiar with Scottish football, I have to say the following: This team is Dundee United, not Dundee. Dundee FC are another team entirely who actually play across the street from Dundee United. Dundee are currently in the First Division. Thank you for playing attention. Dundee United spent most of the season battling Motherwell for third spot. That is, until the split, when United decided winning was useless and pulled off two draws to go with three losses. All in all, a pretty good season for the Terrors, they just got done in by their poor run over the last third of the season. Ending the season pulling 14 points from 14 games is never going to get you into Europe.

Hibernian (52; +4GD)
Finishing sixth by way of goal differential was Hibernian. There is not much to say about Hibernian's season. Like Aberdeen, they had a good, early '08 run to get into the Top 6. Once the split occurred, they played as poorly as Dundee United. A perennial mid-table finisher finishes mid-table.

Alright, so I got the correct teams in the split, though I nearly dropped the ball on Motherwell. Let's speed through the bottom half, shall we?

Falkirk (49)
Poor Falkirk. Done in on the last day of the pre-split season by way of losing to Aberdeen 2-1 when only a draw was necessary. Though they had slim European ambitions, such a loss hits a team hard financially, as you miss out on a likely home tie against either Rangers or Celtic, or both, depending on how the regular season broke down. I must say, this was a pretty strong season for Falkirk. They challenged for a Top 6 spot until the last day and looked fairly dangerous all season long. If they keep it up, I would look for a fourth place finish out of them next season.

Heart of Midlothian (48)
Here is a team that did much better over the second half of the season, but still never got over the hump. Back in January, this team fell all the way to 11th place after five straight losses. Things looked bleak for the Lithuanian-backed club. However, they found some form and started to alternate wins with losses and climbed up the table. An eighth place finish flatters their mid-season form.

Inverness CT (43)
ICT never jumped out of the Bottom 6 all season, despite having ample opportunity to do so around the mid-season mark. A horrible run in February and March saw them take two points off of nine matches. Unfortunately, given their location and ambition, this is probably as high as we will see them finish in the next souple of years. Look for their manager, Craig Brewster, to move on to great things over the next decade.

St. Mirren (41)
St Mirren was another team that never got out of the Bottom 6. A big reason for that was their stunning inability to score goals. They scored 26 in 38 games, less than relegated Gretna. If not for Gretna's troubles, this would have been one hell of a lucky team to escape relegation.

Kilmarnock (40)
The team I bag on for being boring finishes 11th. Back in November, they had reached up to fifth place and looked to be doing very well. By the time January rolled around, Kilmarnock had already slipped to ninth and were sinking fast. Will be part of the relegation battle again next year.

Gretna (13)
What can I say about Gretna that I have not said already? Well, this: the team no longer exists as of today, June 3. Things started off rocky in the south and never got better. Their point total is artificially low because of a 10-point deduction for going into administration, but Gretna never were going to threaten to stay up. A sad end for a club that made a pretty fun run up the leagues, all the while engendering hatred from the rest of teams in the country.

Hamilton Academical take the lone promotion spot into the SPL, besting Dundee (remember what I said above?) by seven points in the First Division. It will be their first time in the Scottish top flight in 20 years. At the bottom of the First Division, Stirling Albion was relegated, while Clyde fought off Second Division challenges for their First Division place. However, since Gretna was demoted to the Third Division (and now out of the SFL entirely), playoff losers Airdrie United were promoted into the First Division, joining automatic promotees Ross County.

In the Second Division, Berwick Rangers were left for dead at the middle of the season, and Cowdenbeath joined them in going down. Arbroath won the playoff into the Second Division, with Stranraer taking the "Gretna back door" promotion. Those two join East Fife, who won the Third Division by a whopping 23 points, securing their promotion in March.

Finally, now that Gretna is out of the league entirely, who will be invited to the SFL? There have been four names bandied about, and I'll give them to you in the order of the likelihood they will get the invitation.

Spartans FC - This was the team who tried to buy their way into the league by taking over the debts for Gretna. They have a nice size stadium with all of the necessary trimmings to be allowed into the Third Division, though some may have taken offense to their gambit to buy their way in.

Cove Rangers - My pick for inclusion would be Cove Rangers. Scottish football has always suffered for too much congregation around the forty mile wide belt between Edinburgh and Glasgow. Cove Rangers are situated just south of Aberdeen, Scotland's third largest city. If the three East of Scotland League teams split votes, Cove Rangers may just slide in.

Preston Athletic - Word is they will change their name if admitted to the SFL. Don't hold your collective breath. Their stadium still needs expensive updating to get up to SFL standards, and with that being part of the reason for Gretna's demise, I think the SFL will be loathe to go down that path again so soon.

Annan Athletic - Truly on the list as a sentimental choice, as this team's home is rather close to Gretna. Stadium is up to snuff, I believe, but their election to the SFL is highly unlikely.

You need to go to the excellent billsportsmaps.com for the image at the top. He does some great work there.

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The Good, The Bad, The WTF

Nightmare fuel

The time has come. With so many teams choosing dodgy shirts again and again, eventually I would have to make it back to a team for a second time. Ideally, I would have left Celtic alone until I had exhausted other possibilities, but when this shirt showed up on the ebays, I had to plow ahead. Come inside and feast your eyes on the avalanche of wonder that is the Peoples Ford Celtic shirt.


This beauty comes from the 1991-92 season. Oddly, the club decided against bringing it back for a second go round. Looking at the shirt, it's not hard to understand why. I don't know what is most aesthetically annoying--the (at least) four different greens used on the shirt, the fact that the jagged, mountain-skyline-like lines don't match up, or the fact that "peoples ford" really needs an apostrophe. Any way you choose, it's an appalling shirt.

Which brings me to the ebays. Someone does want to buy this shirt, as there is one bid at the minimum $4.99. If you want to do the same, go here. If you want to stay away, I understand. Even a man who is willing to wear this shirt can tell that this thing an eyesore beyond belief. Besides, it's Celtic, and Old Firm fans are twats. It says so right in the tags below.

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The Good, The Bad, The WTF

I'm sure you would be very welcome to wear this at Parkhead.

Don't say I never do anything nice for you. Not only do I bring you some of the best worst shirts you will ever see, I also sometimes provide you with an eBay link to go purchase it yourself. This week's horror show, in honor of their failure in front of net against Aberdeen yesterday, is Celtic's away shirt from '89-'91.

Sometimes I just don't know where to begin. I guess the color scheme is as good as any. It's not that this is yellow and green together. I like yellow and green together, ask my wife. But it has to be a strong yellow and a darker green. This is some namby-pamby yellow mixed with a lighter green. It makes me think of scrambled eggs with some parsley mixed in. Good for breakfast, but not to wear around all day.

Then there is the pattern. I understand the impetus of the late '80s and early '90s to get away from what had been cookie-cutter, boring shirts. But let's pick one idea and run with it. Either go with the thin stripes or the chevron thingies. Using both is akin to a local artist who adorns her beautiful painted canvas with a mess of papier-mâché. I understand that you have multiple, great ideas. Take the time to flesh them out separately, please. Thank you.

If I have sold you on this shirt, follow this link. Right now, you can import this beauty to the USA for under $25. Hurry, though, you only have about a day left to pick it up.

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Celtic Signs Ninja

Koki Mizuno, a 22-year-old Japanese winger, is now free to join Celtic after he was granted a work permit by an appeals panel after his initial request was denied (non-EU players have to have played 75% of his country's senior 'A' matches in the last 2 years; Mizuno is uncapped).

Which is great for all parties concerned, I guess, but I just love this picture of him as he's boarding his plane to leave Japan.



Update: Figure since most people haven't seen the kid play, I should include a YouTube clip (standard caveat: YouTube can make Gary Neville look like Garrincha).

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