Joey Barton jailed. England's long national nightmare over

Joey Barton has been sentenced to six months in jail for assault stemming from two separate incidents in one night last December. Barton, out with some of his loutish family, drank 10 pints and five cans of lager. That's what I refer to as a "blackout amount" of beer. Unsurprisingly, Barton ran into trouble, this time at a McDonald's, and now has to pay for his transgressions.

Barton, already used to wearing jail stripes

On December 27, Barton was arrested for instigating two one-sided fights. The first occurred after arguing with a group of youths. Since Britain is awash with CCTV cameras, the entire incident was recorded. Barton knocked

an unidentified man to the ground. He then straddled him and punched him four or five times as his cousin threw food at the victim before the Premier League player punched him up to 15 times more.

Awesome. But our boy Joey wasn't done for the night. A couple of minutes later, Barton went after a 16 year-old. Barton left the scene after breaking several of the youth's teeth.

I don't know what you do when you go out, but damn, that's a full night out. Hell, I would not be surprised if the night didn't at least feature an attempted rape on that fetching cousin of his. Okay, I apologize. That's going too far. Joey would have paid her.

So now, Joey's got six months to think about what he has done wrong. Also, he has to pony up $5000 to the kid whose teeth he broke. Considering that he probably makes that amount during his overnight sleep, I don't think he will be that bothered.

One thing that Barton should strive for is getting along with his new jailmates. Unless he plans to find out the hard way that if you stab your cellmate, you can't just get transferred to a new jail and start over.

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UF Footy Felons Top Trumps: Joey Barton

So we started this series last summer, full of excitement to do so, and proceeded to manage just one before the whole thing fell apart. Some sort of Norwichomon-esque breakdown by yours truly was mostly to blame.

But, we're back, and eager to kickstart it to help pass the offseason. Because if we don't, we might resort to murder in the 1st degree upon hearing fresh Xabi Alonso transfer conjecture.

If you've never played Top Trumps before, check out the original post and this handy link.

Once you're up to speed, hit the jump for our next character in the series. Collect 'em all and have yourselves a good old time!

JOEY BARTON, Midfield (Manchester City, Newcastle United)
---
When you think of miscreants in soccer, those whose tremendous ability to destroy usurps their ability to create, your mind invariably settles on Joey Barton, the midfielder who just can't keep himself out of trouble.

At only 26, there's still plenty of time for him to atone for the massive resume of transgressions and foul play, but we all know which direction he'll continue to head.

Forget the fact that when bothered, he can actually play a decent central midfield, reducing any opponent's No. 10 to a quivering pile of fear and self-doubt. It's all about what he does away from the 90 minutes on a weekend (although there are plenty of red cards to be discussed there, if we're honest).

There's the injuring of teammate Ousmane Dabo in training, an act so vicious that the FA actually stepped in to issue charges of violent conduct. There's the Citeh christmas party back in 2004, where his joviality extended to his cigar ending up in the eye of a reserve team player, resulting in permanent scarring.

Or how about the prison sentence for beating the stuffing out of a teenager outside a Liverpool McDonald's?

Or the time he assaulted a 15-year-old Everton fan during a preseason tour to Thailand?

Or his hit-and-run that left a pedestrian with a broken leg?

Essentially, Barton is a man without a nation, a hard man without a haven to protect him. Vinnie Jones could always count on the equally imbalanced charm of the entire Wimbledon squad to deflect too much negative press, while thugs from the 60s and 70s like Batista or Claudio Gentile had the fortune of playing the game in an era where a swift kick to the nuts was allowed, and in some ways quietly encouraged.

After all, if we've learned anything from the rat race mentality, it's that sometimes, you need to use foul means to level the playing field and keep the superstars in check.

Now, in the increasingly sterile modern soccer world, in which physical contact and intent have been regulated and agonized over to such a degree that an ankle tap can get you a red card if done from behind, Joey Barton is all alone, the pariah with the bad attitude and even worse timing, and it's not undeserved in the slightest.

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Abby Wambach Likes Joey Barton's Style

This man is a muppet. Seriously, what is with the hair?

Joey Barton is, shall we say, rambunctious both on and off the pitch. He is generally considered to be one of, if not the, largest douchebags and classless players in the EPL (suck it, Barclay's! see, we're classy too). Amazingly, however, he has only been sent off 4 times in his entire career. How is that even possible? After the jump, his latest shenanigans, and why Abby Wambach loves him.

Already down 2-0, in the 77th minute of the match, with Xabi Alonso stuck on the endline, Joey Barton decided to come in up with both studs up for a tackle (skip to the 7:15 mark in the video).

Not surprisingly, gaffer Alan Shearer, already under fire for (likely) being unable to save Newcastle from relegation, was not happy with little Joey's antics and has fined him £120,000.

'The referee was spot on showing him a straight red card, and I agree with the decision completely. We will be without Joey for the rest of the season now and I’m not happy at all.'

Apparently, Abby Wambach had been watching the Liverpool-Newcastle tilt, because she thought Joey Barton had a great idea. Immediately after the restart (her club, the Washington Freedom, had just scored their 2nd goal) Wambach came crashing into Saint Louis Athletica forward Daniela, who already had 2 goals in the match (skip to the 2:00 mark in the video for the tackle).


Find more videos like this on Women's Professional Soccer

Wambach claimed that she slipped just as she went in for the tackle, but considering that Daniela was abusing her club one has to wonder. Considering that Wambach missed the 2008 Olympics due to her own broken leg, you would think she would be a little more cautious. Her fellow US National Team players weren't so sure that she slipped either, with both Hope Solo and Lori Chalupny (who obviously both play for the Athletica) questioning her decision to come into the tackle studs-up. That's gonna be awkward in training!

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EPL Previews: Newcastle United

During the 2007/2008 EPL (suck it, Barclay's!) season, the Toon Army watched the Magpies struggle to finish 12th in the league table, on the "strength" of 11 wins, 10 draws, and 17 losses for a total of 43 points. The return of King Kev to St. James' Park, however, provided the fans with some optimism, and there were high (relatively) hopes for 2008/2009. Unfortunately, this summer has given those fans little reason to think that big things are afoot Upon the Tyne.



The end of this summer period has been marred with talk that owner Mike Ashley is interested in selling the club. Rumours abounded that possible suitors included Reliance Communications owner Anil Ambani (the world's sixth richest man), and a group lead by former Liverpool midfielder Steve McMahon, although both have denied involvement.

Regarding the players, the biggest news has, of course, centered around that irrepressible scamp Joey Barton. After initially being given a suspended sentence for assaulting teammate Ousmane Dabo, Barton was then sentenced to 74 days in jail for assaulting 2 individuals in Liverpool last December. Released on Monday, Barton now faces a 15-match ban from the FA, although he has until August 13th to respond to the allegations.

So, other than Joey Barton, who does Kelvin Koogan have available? Newcastle United Football Club made some minor changes during the summer transfer season. Out are: (1) David Rozehnal (to Lazio); (2) Emre (to Fenerbache); (3) Peter Ramage (to QPR); (4) Lamine Diatta (released); (5) James Troisi (released); and (6) Stephen Carr (released). In addition, Alan Smith has been linked to a transfer to Everton. In are: (1) Danny Guthrie (from Liverpool); (2) Jonas Gutierrez (from Real Mallorca); and (3) Sebastian Bassong (from Metz). Newcastle have also targeted Fabricio Coloccini (from Deportivo La Coruna), and appear close to finalizing a deal.

Guthrie and Gutierrez will provide some offensive firepower as placeholders for the injured Mark Viduka, Michael Owen (seriously? Again?), and Obafemi Martins, while Bassong and Coloccini will shore up the defense. The lone remaining striker is Ameobi, while the rest of the defense consists of Jose Enrique, David Edgar, Claudia Cacapa, Habib Beye, Steven Taylor, and the excellenly-named Abdoulaye Faye in front of keeper Shay Given (backed up by Steve Harper). Once all of the relevant individuals are healthy and caught up to speed at St. James' Park, Newcastle should have a fairly respectable offensive and defensive formation.

Unfortunately for the Toon Army, success in the Premiership requires an efficient midfield, and it is here that Newcastle suffers tremondously. Alan Smith is likely to fuck off to Everton, leaving Geremi, Nicky Butt, James Milner, Charles N'Zogbia, Hillary Damien Duff, and the well-behaved Joey Barton to man the pitch. Although Duff has scored 4 goals in pre-season friendlies, they came in wins against Hartlepool United (4-1, with a hat-trick for Duff) and Valencia (2-1). The lack of a solid midfield will mean that Newcastle will struggle both to produce goals and to defend against a swift counter-attack, which may result in something similar to last years -20 goal differential (45 goals for, 65 goals against).

Even worse for the Magpies is the fact that the rest of their pre-season matches have gone extremely poorly, losing to (and failing to score against) Doncaster Rovers (0-1), Hertha Berline (0-1), and Real Mallorca (0-1). The latter, in particular, may have given Gutierrez pause, seeing as how his former teammates bossed his new ones around the pitch for the full 90 minutes.

Newcastle open their season @Manchester United, v. Bolton, @Arsenal, v. Hull City, @West Ham United, and v. Blackburn. Given their roller-coaster nature, it is possible that they will be 4-2, although it is far more likely that they will be 2-4 (anyone can beat Bolton and Hull City). Ladbrokes appears to be equally unimpressed with Newcastle, having them at 351-1 odds to win the Premiership and 21-1 odds to be relegated. I doubt they will finish that low, and are likely to avoid the race to the drop, but I predict a 14th-15th place finish for the Magpies, sitting on 38 points.

King Kev, however, had better hope that they finish in the top half if he wishes to keep his job.

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Damn It Feels Good to be Joey Barton

Bushwick Bill, formerly of Geto Boys (below)

Ousmane Dabo, formerly of Manchester City (right)

Pick out the Barton victim from the two...

In a stunning development this morning, a professional football player was, for reasons financial and competitive, allowed to keep his place in a team despite a recent assault conviction and subsequent incarceration.

Going against the bedrock moralistic and global tradition of treating pro athletes the same as your average work-a-day hump, Newcastle United Football Club have reinstated Joey Barton. The McDonald's Mauler was let go on a free transfer from Strangeways prison on Monday.

Newcastle officials and owner Mike Ashley had entertained thoughts of letting Barton leave, releasing, or selling him, but were ultimately made to understand that the midfielder was owed another chance, along with £65,000 per week (unless they were willing to sell him at a 50% loss.)

So now with the provision that he limit his ass-baring antics to one, 90-minute period each matchday, and not beat his teammates to near blindness during training, Barton will carry on his delightfully entertaining career with the Geordies and King Kev.

All smiles then, it would seem, but for the corporate crypto-fascists at Nike HQ in Cambodia, Oregon. Those tree-hugging babykillers have ditched young Joey, cutting him off from a lifeblood £40,000 per annum, or less than 2/3 what NFC pays him every seven days.

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Gary Megson Cares Not for Self Respect

Stupid Fucking Bolton manager Gary Megson wants to prove that if you can kick a football there is no limit to how shitty of a human being you can be. Translation: yeah, they might sign Joey Barton

The manager confirmed "an interest in Newcastle's rebellious midfielder."

Johnny Lydon was rebellious. Barton is worthless scum.

In May of last year, Barton was sentenced to six months after beating the shit out of a bystander outside of a Liverpool McDonald's (disturbing video here). While he was serving 77 days of that sentence he was given a four month suspended sentence after he admitted to assaulting former teammate Ousmane Dabo during training.

Still, Barton was allowed to return to play in the EPL (suck it, Barclays) for the '08-'09 campaign. He made his season debut as a second half sub against Arsenal and had been on the pitch all of about 30 seconds when he tried to put his foot through Samir Nasri's femur.

Barton's Wikipedia page must be edited by his mom as it laughingly described the incident thusly: "Shortly into this return game, Barton was involved in an incident with Samir Nasri, putting in a hard but fair challenge, for which the referee did not give a foul."

That's because the ref didn't see it.

Earlier this month, Barton took out Xabi Alonso with a two-footed, studs-up tackle that drew a straight red. Newcastle manager Alan Shearer subsequently suspended Barton indefinitely and told him to stay away from the relegation-threatened club.

Barton is worthless. Megson just lost any respect he might have garnered from us for making Stupid Fucking Bolton seem less stupid and guiding them to a place where they're not even in the relegation picture with a month left on the schedule.

Oh, Blackburn Rovers and Sam Allardyce might also be interested in Barton, be we already didn't care much for Big Fat Sam

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China's Joey Barton

Say ni hao to the Asian Joey Barton. I know, you all have been diligently searching, praying and hoping for this discovery. His name, Mao Jianqing of course. I guess he's known as the badboy of Chinese soccer. Not sure if that means he's terrible at soccer or just a Joey Barton wannabe, but that is beside the point. Dude's stone cold without remorse.

Mao's team, Shanghai Shenhua, recently just lost its Chinese Super League Title bid on Sunday, and early Monday morning Mao took out his frustration. Very early. Like 4:50 a.m. It is alleged that Mao and a friend beat up some young guy named Xu greeted one of Mao's female friends who was Xu's former colleague. Mao didn't take kindly to this and told him to step off or something like that and then was attacked in a manly manner. Mao and his accomplices, a teammate and former pro basketball player, proceeded to throw dishes and an ashtray at Xu. Awesome! (That's Mao in the photo heading to jail and Xu's injuries in the inset).

This isn't Mao's first rodeo either. According to the report, Mao kicked a fan at the U-17 World Championships and struck a referee at the U-19 World Championships. So he's a bit of Eric Cantona too. Nice.

Realizing that they may have made a mistake, Mao tried to pay off Xu to not go to the cops. Xu said eff you, but then tried unsuccessfully to extort even more money out of Mao later.

Mao and friends have been arrested, fined and will spend 7 days in a Chinese jail. As Jack Bauer knows, that ain't no country club.

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Joey Barton's relatives prepare to sliding tackle some jail time

Some of you know Joey Barton as the misunderstood midfielder whose no-nonsense style of sound-bitery and media management gets in the way of some extremely raw talent. Some of you know him as the angry idiot who punches up punters on the way home from the pubs.

Well, today Joey got some good news and bad news. The good news: he escaped a ban from the FA for his alleged punch-up with Shawn Moloney on Saturday. The bad news: his cousins are heading to jail.

Kevin Corke and Carl Taylor stabbed and shot a man on Merseyside in a revenge attack, after the victim, Tommy Harrison, had "humiliated" Corke in a fistfight earlier on. Corke was jailed for life after admitting to the murder, and Taylor was given a five-year sentence for manslaughter.

How are the two related to Barton? Corke and Taylor are half-brothers, and also cousins of Joey's half-brother Michael, who's ALSO in jail with a 17-year sentence for a particularly vicious murder [read the link].

It's a tangled web worthy of soap operas or Inside Edition, but when you look at Joey's family life, is it any bloody wonder that he's kicking, punching and strangling players on the pitch?

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The Bootroom: Nice Fans (+ LFC Liveblog by LB)

From ONTD Football.

Well, a 6-2 shellacking in El Clasico probably won't be surpassed today, but there will be some decent games. Most notably we'll find out who in the Colaship survives the drop. After the jump a few games and one more pic of some nice fans.

And LB is gonna liveblog Liverpool v. Newcastle to get the day started. Follow along after the fixtures beneath the jump.




EPL

Sunday, May 3, 2009

8:30 ET Liverpool v Newcastle United
11:00 ET Sunderland v Everton

Colaship - These are the only two matches that matter. Will Charlton pull another club down with them to League One with a victory, or can Norwich pull a Fulham?

Sunday
8:15 ET Charlton Athletic v Norwich City
8:15 ET Plymouth Argyle v Barnsley

La Liga

Sunday, May 3, 2009

11:00 ET Mallorca v Getafe
11:00 ET Racing Santander v Almeria
11:00 ET Sporting Gijon v Athletic Bilbao
11:00 ET Osasuna v Recreativo Huelva
11:00 ET Deportivo La Coruña v Valladolid
13:00 ET Espanyol v Valencia
15:00 ET Real Betis v Atlético Madrid

Bundesliga

Sunday, May 3, 2009

11:00 ET FC Cologne v Werder Bremen
11:00 ET Hamburg SV v Hertha Berlin

Serie A

Sunday, May 3, 2009

9:00 ET Udinese v Atalanta
9:00 ET Palermo v Cagliari
9:00 ET AS Roma v Chievo Verona
9:00 ET Juventus v Lecce
9:00 ET Catania v AC Milan
9:00 ET Siena v Napoli
9:00 ET Fiorentina v Torino
14:30 ET Genoa v Sampdoria


LIVERPOOL v. NEWCASTLE UNITED
Liverpool: Reina, Arbeloa, Carragher, Agger, Aurelio, Alonso, Mascherano, Benayoun, Gerrard, Riera, Kuyt.
Subs: Cavalieri, Dossena, Babel, Lucas, Ngog, El Zhar, Skrtel.

Newcastle: Harper, Beye, Coloccini, Bassong, Duff, Smith, Butt, Martins, Barton, Lovenkrands, Viduka.
Subs: Krul, Nolan, Guthrie, Owen, Gutierrez, Edgar, Carroll.

No Owen and no Torres, while Rafa welcomes Gerrard back into the fold. This has all the makings of a 1-1 draw, especially as Newcastle have been enjoying the run of play in the first 10 minutes.

10 mins: Liverpool's strategy thus far has involved lots of hoofing, which is uncharacteristic for them given the goal orgies of recent weeks. Shearer's gambled with a front 3 that doesn't include Owen... we'll see if it pays off.

13 mins: The oafish Coloccini destroys a LFC attack by hauling down Gerrard in full flight. Moron. His hair is close to Valderrama-esque proportions. Gerrard forces a good save from Harper from the dead ball. He is rather eager to reestablish himself as that "talisman", that's for sure. Nipping at Newcastle heels, sprinting around like a headless chicken, and shooting from anywhere.

Coloccini


Valderrama


15 mins: Neither side has really settled, but Damian Duff is already making himself a nuisance in midfield.

Stevie G tries to cap his return with a lovely long-range goal from open play, and he's not far off, to be honest. Harper palms it away, but Gerrard then floats his corner onto a Magpie noggin and it's cleared.

19 mins: What on earth was that? Some miscommunication at the back for the Reds almost allows Peter Lovenkrands to nip in behind Reina, but Arbeloa's there to shepherd the ball away from goal. Down the other end, Stevie does it again, shooting from 30 yards instead of forging a structured attack, and this time, he gives a nice gift to someone in the proverbial Row ZZ.

22 mins: Liverpool are beginning to turn the screws with a series of crosses from left and right, controlling the play... Kuyt going wide with a header from a lovely Aurelio cross.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and it's the Super Jew once more! Shearer looks rather ill on the bench. Kuyt gets a Viduka clearance and has time to turn, control and cross it on for Yossi Benayoun who is laughably unmarked on the edge of the six-yard-box and perfectly placed to nudge the ball home with the inside of his knee. Harper was gazing at the ball from the near post... as for Coloccini? No clue where he was. Another attack follows, and Newcastle are in for a long afternoon. Liverpool 1, Newcastle 0

29 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL... easy as you like for Liverpool. After another spell of pressure, Habib Beye coughs up a corner and Gerrard's delivery is perfect for Dirk Kuyt to meet it all alone in the heart of the area with a diving header. Harper was hopeless. Liverpool 2, Newcastle 0

30 mins: Peter Lovenkrands has a nasty rendez-vous with the ad banner behind the Liverpool goal. After a few seconds of thigh rubbing, he appears to be alright.

32 mins: Alonso is a gorgeous passer of the ball, isn't he? Twice in a minute he frees a Liverpool player in behind the backline -- first Riera, then Arbeloa -- and the 2nd time, Arbeloa feeds Kuyt who skips into the box and fires just wide of Harper's far post. Newcastle are really struggling.

35 mins: It's been one-way traffic since the opening minutes. If Liverpool hold on, they keep the pressure on United and maintain some shred of hope in the title chase. Lots of carefree sideways passing from LFC culminates with Riera showing early-season form, prancing through Martins (!) as if he was a mannequin in a Macy's shop window and floats a lovely cross that the Magpies scramble clear. Of course, it's cleared to a man in red, and Riera's second cross ends up in Harper's arms. When will Joey Barton punch someone?

38 mins: The bloated corpse that used to be Mark Viduka is caught offside as he tries to sneak behind Agger to meet the hoof ball. He shoots over the bar regardless, but it wouldn't have counted.

I believe we should be counting down to Owen Time. When will Shearer roll the dice on bringing on yet another mediocre, hobbled striker? Half Time? The hour mark? Place your bets.

40 mins: Alonso gives Gerrard a demo in long-range shooting, blasting a nasty swerving, curving shot with pace onto Harper's crossbar, with the goalkeeper having absolutely no clue where it was going. So very nearly 3-0.

Oh, and they showed a replay of Yossi's goal. Yeah, Kuyt was trying to shoot, and yes, Yossi was a foreskin's width offside. That's what I get for making snap judgments and having a Macedonian feed that I can't translate.

42 mins: Nightmarish chaos in the Newcastle area almost equates to another LFC goal. Gerrard has a shot blocked (he really, really wants to score on his comeback), Kuyt has a sloppy-looking scissor kick blocked, and then Riera half-volleys wide.

Within seconds, the ball's back down that end and Riera wins a corner off Damien Duff, having made it untouched to the byline yet again. On current form, this Newcastle defense will have trouble against the likes of QPR and Plymouth next season. They're simply that bad. Coloccini is the worst Argentine in history, surely. They should shred his passport and pretend he's from Uruguay.

44 mins: My oh my, almost goal #3 again.

The scouting report on Daniel Agger is short and sweet: "Great defender. Loves to gallop 30-odd yards untouched through midfield and shoot from distance. Is rather good at it, to be honest." And yet Bassong/Beye/Coloccini didn't do their pre-game reading assignment, as Agger does exactly that, forcing a sprawling save from a rather sweaty and angry Steve Harper.

45 mins + 1: Gerrard chases down a longball nicely and finds Benayoun in the area, but the Super Jew's backheel return for Stevie is juuuust intercepted and cleared. For a Liverpool throw.

HALF TIME: Liverpool 2, Newcastle 0
It's safe to say that Alan Shearer isn't a very good manager, but that's the price you pay when you hire nostalgia. The Reds, lucky to get their 1st with a touch of offside, could easily be 4-0 or 5-0 up at this point, and the halftime score is actually rather flattering to Newcastle. Their backline is rubbish and half-asleep, but Mark Viduka makes sure to give the ref an earful of stick instead of wondering how on earth to get his team back into the game. They should be taken out back and shot, Old Yeller-style.

Anyone else intrigued by the possibility of Sheffield United returning to the EPL, where they'd face the club that screwed them (West Ham) AND the team that bought the player that played for the team that screwed them (Manchester United)? Bramall Lane isn't the nicest place to go if you're a neutral, so I can only imagine the stored-up vitriol that would be unleashed on visiting Hammers fans should the Blades get it done today or in the Colaship play-offs.


And we're off again. Has Alan Shearer figured out any semblance of a midfield for the second half? Credit must also be given to Iain Dowie, the ugly cunt who continues to get work despite being largely rubbish. And to think he was hired to fill in the gaps of knowledge that Shearer had!

47 mins: It begins much how the first half ended, with Liverpool finding room down the wings to pressure the Magpies with a string of crosses.

Jonas Gutierrez replaced Peter Lovenkrands at half-time, apparently.

49 mins: And Jonas wins a free-kick with his first touch, bundled down on the left touchline. The Magpies do nothing with it, naturally.

50 mins: Gerrard's 1,974th shot of the game drags wide of goal.

52 mins: Viduka indulges in a bit too much argy-bargy in the area, having done well to beat Agger to a loose ball, and the ref gives a free kick. The swollen Antipodean ain't very happy.

Mascherano has space and time 30 yards from goal, so why not shoot? It's a daisy-cutter that Harper thankfully smothers.

54 mins: Barton makes a mess of controlling Alan Smith's wide pass, and it trickles out for a Liverpool goal kick. He really needs to lash out soon.

Lovely play by Liverpool, making the most of some sloppy defending by Shearer's men. Bassong dallies on the ball long enough for Yossi to pick his pocket. The Super Jew slides past two tacklers with ease, it ends up with Alonso who finds Gerrard wide, but Jonas knocks it off his foot for a corner. Gerrard's corner is cleared, only for Newcastle to concede a free-kick out wide, and from that, Agger heads narrowly wide.

I swear to God, if Newcastle survive the drop it will be some sell-your-soul-to-the-devil shit. They are dire. No midfield to speak of, and at least four useless strikers. Oh, and a defense that's prone to sleep apnea during games. Shay Given got out when he could.

58 mins:
Notes for Rafa:
- don't sell Alonso.
- don't sell Mascherano.
- do not fucking sell Benayoun, who's been one of the joys of the season since December.
- please buy a wing-back or two.

Better from Newcastle, as Alan Smith has a gallop up the middle to some effect, but he opts to fall under a weak challenge and the ref awards no free kick. LFC break nicely with Benayoun down the right, who finds Gerrard in the middle for his 2,304th shot of the game, this one also going narrowly wide. Harper looked like he was well-placed to save it, for what it's worth.

Newcastle march right back up the other end, and Joey Barton chips his "clever" cross directly out for a goal kick. He musters a half-smile at his predicament, hiding a lifetime of bitterness and rage behind his asymmetrical grin.

61 mins: Still no Michael Owen?

In true Rafa fashion, he preps Babel to come on as a sub. These are the games best suited for young Ryan: the ones Liverpool are winning somewhat comfortably, where Babel's lazy dribbling and average ball control will have much less negative impact on the team as/when he loses possession.

Alan Smith gets a yellow card for a shocking two-footed slide into the misty space inhabited by Yossi Benayoun. Thankfully, the contact was slight, else Smith would surely be looking at a straight red.

Here comes Babel! Albert Riera will get an early bath in goat's milk for all his hard work today.

65 mins: Nicky Butt is down. I assuming he's been injured by embarrassment about his performance today.

25-ish minutes to go, and the Magpies seek their first meaningful shot on goal while Butt gets attention.

Great work again by Benayoun down the right, floating a nice cross onto Kuyt's noggin but the Dutchman puts it right at Harper. Nice effort. Still the Reds press... Mascherano has a crack from 30 yards (everyone's been shooting from distance today) but it's always bending wide left.

69 mins: More momentum from LFC, but Mascherano's threaded pass runs too far ahead of Kuyt and Benayoun, who were both lurking around the top of the area, and Harper has it.

Does Shearer have any clue how to turn this around? No Owen off the bench yet? Guthrie to the wing? You need goals, you numpty! Or are you worrying about that must-win next week instead? It's that resigned approach that'll get you relegated.

71 mins: More panic around the Newcastle area, with Reds lining up to shoot. Gerrard has one, Alonso has one, I think Kuyt had one too... each time, Newcastle failed to fully clear their lines, seemingly inviting this kind of abuse.

A Michael Owen sighting down the touchline!

Bit of urgency from Newcastle thanks to Duff's spritely run. He feeds Jonas wide left and the long-haired lad is tripped by Mascherano, winning a free-kick. True to form, the kick is overhit and ends up in Reina's grasp. Liverpool break again.

74 mins: More menace around the Newcastle box, but Arbeloa's cross is headed back across goal by Kuyt to no-one in particular.

Gerrard's 3,479th shot of the game is slightly wide of goal. Butt looks relieved... Babel's cutback found the Liverpool skipper in oceans of room inside the area, but he dragged his shot left as Beye and Bassong lurched slightly in his direction. Best chance yet, Talisman!

And somewhere in that passage, Alonso hammered another shot off the bar. It's gotten to that point; I simply cannot tally and follow every decent Liverpool shot on goal, as there have been so many.

77 mins: AND THERE IT IS! THE BARTON LASH-OUT I WAS SO HOPING AND WAITING FOR! The clumsy hooligan two-footed slides into Alonso needlessly as the Spaniard gathers the ball near the corner flag. With no room to work with, Alonso was trapped, and still Barton looks to de-limb Xabi with his vicious slide. Alonso is still down by the corner flag receiving treatment.

79 mins: Perhaps now we'll see that 3rd goal. Benayoun spins Coloccini like a dreidel and finds Babel near the edge of the box, but Duff is there to touch it out for a corner at the last second.

Alonso will play no more part in today's proceedings, stretchered off to be replaced by Lucas. Xabi looked calm, hands clasped behind his head and in no discernible pain... he better not be seriously injured. Barton is a fucking thug. He protested all the way into the tunnel, but any replay and any passing spectator will point out the malicious intent in that challenge.

Subs for Newcastle: Martins off, Owen on (about 20 minutes too late), and Nolan on for the tubby Aussie, Mark Viduka.

82 mins: This game is petering out, the home crowd in full song. Benayoun can't keep a long pass in on the right touchline, and Duff preps to take the throw-in.

Possibly related question: what the fuck happened to Damien Duff?

87 mins: Liverpool free kick out right. Nothing much else to report.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL.... Aurelio free kick to Lucas, who heads it unmarked past Harper. Liverpool 3, Newcastle United 0

90 mins + 2: Gerrard's 5,647th shot of the game doesn't go in. Unlucky again.

FULL TIME: Liverpool 3, Newcastle United 0
Deserved result, marked with the inevitable Joey Barton red card. Now help me fill in the blanks below! Owen has some words with Carragher and Gerrard as the sides march off. Still three points back!


THE XABI ALONSO RED CARD PHENOMENON
(In which your humble liveblogger attempts to capture all the red cards doled out to opponents for late tackles on Xabi Alonso)

September 13: Nemanja Vidic, Manchester United (straight red)
September 27: Tim Cahill, Everton (straight red)
October 5: Pablo Zabaleta, Manchester City (straight red)
October 18: Antonio Valencia, Wigan (2nd bookable)
February 1: Frank Lampard, Chelsea (straight red)
May 3: Joey Barton, Newcastle (straight red)

Read more on "The Bootroom: Nice Fans (+ LFC Liveblog by LB)"...

In other news: the sky is blue, Maradona loved cocaine, and Ronaldo is fat

Dear, oh dear. Joey Barton's in trouble again! From the BBC:

The court was told that CCTV operators tracked Mr Barton and a group of his friends in Church Street at 0530 GMT on Thursday.

A confrontation was said to have taken place in a McDonald's restaurant.

The player, of Widnes, Cheshire, was outside when an unknown man made a gesture towards him.

Gwyn Lewis, defending, said he was the victim of a "great deal of provocation" and was being "goaded" in the street.

When will he ever learn? I've grown oddly fond of his miscreant behaviour over the years, because amid the violence and lack of self-control, he'll occasionally say something quite profound.

In 2004, he started a brawl during a friendly pre-season game with minnows Doncaster Rovers. Over christmas of the same year, he started a fight at his own club's Christmas party, where he stubbed out a cigar in a teammate's eye. He punched a 15-year-old in the face while Man City was on tour in Thailand. He fought another teammate during pre-season training sessions in early 2007, detaching Ousmane Dabo's retina. [I would argue that Dabo's injury surely couldn't make him much worse as a player]

Add to that a string of arrests for assault, criminal damage and even an incident where he broke a pedestian's leg while driving his car through Liverpool, and you have a soccer player trying to emulate the likes of PacMan Jones and Elijah Dukes.

That being said, his comments in the wake of England's exit from the 2006 World Cup were spot-on.

"England did nothing in that World Cup, so why were they bringing books out? 'We got beat in the quarter-finals. I played like shit. Here's my book'."

Can't fault brutal honesty like that, even if it comes packaged in his diminutive, trouble-causing frame. Sure, it rubbed the primadonnas of the England squad [I'm looking at you, Lampard] the wrong way, but that's sorely needed from time-to-time.

When it's all said and done, Joey Barton is a square peg in a round world. Misunderstood, and he simply doesn't fit. Let's at least hope the rest of his long and promising career is filled with more quality tidbits like these.

Read more on "In other news: the sky is blue, Maradona loved cocaine, and Ronaldo is fat"...

How Do You Say "I told you so" in Geordie?

Mikael Silvestre is a man who speaks his mind. Not that you would know, since no one pays attention to him. But during the Christmas holiday, Silvestre tracked down Jack Bell of The New York Times, dragged him up to his hotel room and told him how he was right to reject a move to Newcastle last summer because of Joey Barton, what with Barton's latest run-in with the law (he's free at last!).

You see, Barton's sparring partner Ousmane Dabo is a good friend of Silvestre's. It just wouldn't have been right to join a club that had just signed Barton. Even if that meant giving up the chance to play for a perennial underachiever with no chance of playing Champions League football, and whose defense is struggling to fill Titus Bramble's oversized clown shoes.

In Barton's defense, he didn't attack his own teammate this time, and he managed to keep his cigarette butt out of his victim's eyes. Baby steps.

Though we do have to wonder, what's with Newcastle's obsession with the criminally-inclined? Lest we forget, Craig Bellamy logged some jail time at Tyneside, while Lee Bowyer went a whole season without attacking any Asian students, but still managed to get in an on-field brawl with teammate Kieron Dyer, who himself was one of two, ur, unnamed Premiership players questioned the roasting scandal of 2003. Maybe Newcastle can follow the example of Chelsea and the New York Giants, and have some sort of exchange program with the Cincinnati Bengals.

Read more on "How Do You Say "I told you so" in Geordie?"...

Barton out! (For six games)

Joey Barton will miss six matches as punishment for his training ground attack on former teammate Ousmane Dabo. He will be available for return on October 25, against Sunderland. Barton will have to be on his best behavior (HA!) afterward, as he faces another six game ban for future indiscretions.

After the jump, video highlights of some of Barton's best moments

Read more on "Barton out! (For six games)"...

Not to Be Outdone by the Worst Photoshop Ever.... It's the Worst Headline Ever

I do realize that British tabloids are inherently crap, but, truly, two days of mind-numbing stupidity in a row? Yesterday it was the worst photoshop ever, courtesy of the Daily Mirror.

Today it's the worst headline ever, courtesy of the Daily Star (no relation)...

JOEY SET TO PLAY A BIT BART IF FIT

Okay, I get that this is about how Joey Barton is now available for Newcastle, but what the hell does this headline mean? Every time I look at it I think I see "FART" and "BARF." But beyond that, this headline simply makes no sense. It's as though the pun machine was malfunctioning or something. Put it this way, I know that we in our collective wisdom could do much, much, much better.

Read more on "Not to Be Outdone by the Worst Photoshop Ever.... It's the Worst Headline Ever"...

Euro 2008 Liveblog: Turkey v. Czech Republic

Here it is. The first last day of the tournament. Yes, Group A gets sorted today, and this is the match that will do the sorting. While Portugal takes it easy against the host Swiss on the other side, Turkey take on the Czechs for the second qualifying spot into the next round.

Before we get to the tale of the tape, a quick look should be taken at our Euro 2008 Pick 'em on ESPN.com. At the top of the group, two users who are definitely not UF writers. For shame, us! El Ninos d'Or and Ballack's Bollocks lead the early charge. If this one of these is you, feel free to gloat in the comments. These two have correctly guessed 11 of the first 16 matches. They are closely followed by a group of six with one less correct. Over the next four days, though, I am confident that Joey Barton's Cellmate will rise to the top of the group.

It seems we can't do a live blog (save one) without highlighting the lovely ladies of the competing countries. Today will be no different. After all, it is Father's Day, and these ladies have fathers, so we have to.

Turkey will go first.
This is Gizem Ozdilli. Besides having a snickerable first name, meh.

And for the Czechs, we have Adriana Karembeu
Yes, please. And she is married to former French footballer Christian Karembeu. So, there's that.

Well, it should be pretty obvious who wins this matchup--the girl from the country I picked to win the whole shebang. Join me after the jump to watch me meltdown as the Czechs fail to advance at the first hurdle.

For bonus fun, you can play "Count the Misspellings" in the comments. With these two teams, I'll be sure to make it worth your while.

Turkey's speculative lineup (4-4-2):
Demirel; Altintop, Gungor, Cetin, Balta; Tuncay, Topal, Aurelio, Turan; Senturk, Nihat (C).

And for the Czechs (4-5-1):
Cech; Grygera, Ujfalusi (C), Rozehnal, Jankulovski; Sionko, Polak, Matejovsky, Galasek, Plasil; Koller.

Referee: Peter Frojdfeldt (Sweden)--the guy who did the UEFA Cup final, again.

Interestingly, this game will go to an immediate penalty shoot-out at the end of full-time if the match is tied.

On to the game.

So, another 4-5-1 for the Czechs. I wonder how long that will hold out?

-1.00 Alright, I've had an obscene amount of coffee, started the wash, have a boxful of doughnut holes next to me and an empty house. As long as the cable and internet hold out, let's have some fun.

0.00 Man, I wanted to see Kazim Kazim today. Also, I wanted to see the blue jerseys.

0.00 Hey Turkey, how about figuring out what shoes you want to wear before kick-off? Blatant time-wasting to let the other game get started first.

0.10 The Czechs waste no time on the kick-off attempting to get a shot on goal. Over and wide, though.

2.00 Free kick from the right for the Czechs. two players wide open on the back post, and. . .nothing.

4.00 The Turks seem to be playing for penalties already. A free kick at midfield is taken by their keeper.

5.30 Yellow Card Turkey get the first yellow as Topal fouls Polak in midfield

8.00 Czech Republic are not afraid to shoot today, though nothing is going on net. I was serious about Turkey playing for penalties. Time-wasting at the back seems to be the order of the day. Maybe since it worked for their good friends the Greeks four years ago?

10.00 Yellow Card Um, I didn't see it. Aurelio CetinAurelio goes into the book for Turkey, possibly for getting his elbows up on a header challenge against Koller. for dissent. Since Koller is so tall, Aurelio gets him in the upper back. The resultant free kick leads to a header over the bar.

14.00 Gungor gets a talking to, Camera cuts away before any card shown.

15.00 The ref, who had such high praise from us before, does not want to see Turkey challenge for high headers, it would seem. Every time a Turk goes for the ball, they are deemed to be fouling the (to be fair, perfectly positioned) Czechs.

16.00 I was correct earlier, Aurelio also got a yellow for dissent. Tuncay shoots wide for the Turks.

17.00 Matejovsky shoots weakly from distance, but on net. Keeper covers it easily.

18.00 Another correction. Cetin was not booked, only Aurelio.

22.00 More attacks from the Czechs, but no finishing touches. Turkey still playing rough.

24.00 Actual attacking possession from Turkey. Comes to nothing as they pass it back to the defense.

25.00 Sionko does not miss by much. Aims for the far, upper corner from outside the box and puts it a foot over.

26.00 Aurelio writhes in pain after a tackle from Rozenhal. Gets up without magic spray.

28.00 Turkey are doing a fabulous job at frustrating the Czechs. The whistles have calmed down and Turkey, though not packing the back, are keeping the Czechs from any good attacking moves.

31.00 For two teams with nothing to play for, the other match sounds pretty exciting. Dammit.

32.00 Another Turk on the ground. This time it is Altintop, who took a ball to the ribs. Get up nancy-boy.
(10 seconds pass, play stops for him)
He did.

33.00 So close. Czechs cross in from the left, Sionko tracks it and the keeper smothers.

34.00 Goal! Fuck yeah, the Czechs score. Koller with a header (who'd a thunk it?) off a cross from Grygera. Turkey, the US feels your pain.

36.00 Nihat's corner forces a nice reaction from Cech as he beats Turan to the ball.

38.00 Matejovsky has to be carried off the pitch and substituted after a collision with Tuncay. It didn't look that bad, but Jarolim comes on anyway.

39.00 The goal has aroused the attacking instincts of the Turks. Czechs on the back foot for now.

42.00 Yep. You can't coach tall. Koller has another shot at goal on a long free kick. At goal, not on goal. Over by six feet.

43.00 The Czechs have their attacking verve back. Koller, like Klose, should not be relied on to shoot with his feet, though.

45.00 Hey look the Tigers might have a winning streak going. The Bottom Line always gets me. 2 minutes extra time.

45.00 +3 (Stealing this) Tweet. Tweet. Tweeeeet. Half time.

Czechs came out as the team wanting to win, and got the goal that might do it. The referee calmed down after 20 minutes or so, so Turkey doesn't have as bad a yellow card problem as they looked to in the first 15. Czechs are down a sub already, and tired second-half legs may fail them yet.

Turkey did show flashes of attacking ability after giving up the goal, but were hanging their heads by the half. We should see a pretty open affair in the second half with only one question to be answered.

How long do Turkey wait to pull the goalie?

Oh, and I'm not watching Foudy, sorry.

Shots 9-5 Czechs, 3-2 on goal. Possession is even.

45.00 Sarioglu on for the Turks, Senturk is off.

46.00 Cech is also very tall. Cleans up on a Turk free kick.

47.00 Turks pressing early. Another couple quick chances for them.

50.00 Czechs are definitely backed in, and looking for counterattacking chances, which aren't materializing.

51.00 Perhaps there is a strong wind? The Turks, attacking the goal the Czechs did in the first half, are all over their opponents. Now for their third corner in four minutes.

52.00 "The Czechs have a lot of defending to do here" No shit. Turkish fans are in full voice as Tuncay gets saved by Cech. It's probably time to take Koller off and get someone who is speedier in there.

54.00 On cue, Koller kills a possession with a poor pass.

55.00 Cech cleans up again. The Czechs are playing with eight in the box right now and it is not enough. Turkey must have had some kick-ass coffee over the break.

57.00 Kazim Kazim (Richards) is in! Topal off for the Turks.

58.00 Altintop with a great ball from the right, right across the six-yard box, but the Turk forwards forgot to make runs.

59.00 Some interesting looking Cech fans in the stands. Gungor is down for the Turks. Gets stretchered off.

61.00 Koller gets a breakaway, and left foots the ball three yards wide. Ouch.

62.00 Goal! Plasil comes in from way over on the left to slide in Sionko's cross. Keeper gets a hand to it, but cannot bat the ball out. 2-0

64.00 For looking so bright coming out of the half, the Turks start to look defeated, deflated and chippy. Turan gets a Yellow Card for Turkey. Turkish coach is well-pissed that he was not allowed to substitute for the injured Gungor before the second goal.

66.00 Linesman needs a new flag, or Cialis.

67.00 Czechs, well aware of the hurting Turkey looks to put on them now, are diving to get foul calls.

68.00 Turks go close after the Czech defense tries the always-ineffective "let's all raise our hands" defense. Cech bails them out with his positioning.

Other Game Swiss go up 1-0.

71.00 ESPN, fucking quit it! I don't care about the other game. Polak off the post as ESPN breaks in with the other score.

Polak paid for it on the rebound, as he got his face scraped with studs trying for the header. He will be the second player playing with a headwrap today.

73.00 Yellow Card Asik (the other head-wrapped guy) takes down Rozenhal who was way forward. Very close to being last man back, too.

75.00 Goal! Arda Turan scores after Altintop's cross from the endline dribbles all the way across the box. Arda goes near post, beating Cech with ease 2-1

77.00 Altintop is playing off of his head on the right side.

78.00 Two more great chances for the Turks come from the right. Can the Czechs hold out? They look spent.

79.00 Turkiye! Turkiye! Turkiye!. This match is pulsating, and the crowd is in full voice. Koller still in. Why?

80.00 Yellow Card Galasek for the Czechs. Kadlec on for Plasil.

Other game Another goal for the Swiss.

82.00 Altintop puts the ball right on Cervi's head from two yards out. Cervi glances it wide. I really like this second half Turk squad.

83.00 It's the Czech squad who have started to hack at their opponents. If Galacek did not already have a card, he would have just earned one.

84.00 Vlcek on for Sionko. Koller to play entire match, die of heart attack afterwards.

85.00 Czechs are completely packed in, but the Turks are getting close.

87.00 Goal!!! Cech fumbles a cross (Altintop, natch) at the six yard box and
Nihat pokes it in. I started this game pulling for the Czechs, but dammit, I cheered.

89.00 HOLY SHIT
GOAL!!! Turkey score again. Nihat onside, Czechs try to claim otherwise. Raised arms don't stop attack. Nihat squeezes the ball under the bar. I'm breathless.

90.00 Four minutes added time.

90.00 +2 Red Card Turkish keeper Demirel sent off after making a hash of a clearance. Punched Koller after the ball was out. No subs left. Tuncay in the net. No penalty kick.

90.00 +4 Yellow Card Ufjalusi, I don't know what it was for, I can't keep up.

90.00 +5 Yellow Card Baros, who isn't even on.

90.00 +5 Full Time Give me some time to breathe before I recap.


That's it. I am a full-on Turk supporter for the rest of this tournament.

Just saw another angle on Nihat's second. Fuck me, that was a great shot.

Well, they started the game as negative as could be, but Turkey showed what it takes to win a game from two down in the second half. Altintop is, by far, my man of the match. He abused Czech Republic's left side for the entire second-half.

I can't help but believe that if Baros was in for Koller in the second half, the speedier player could have finished a counter to make it 3-0 at some point. Simply put, Turkey were pressed forward, and Koller did not have the wheels to put them under pressure.

I don't know if I can watch the US game now. I'm almost emotional at how good this game was.

PR-
Red Card whistled for at 1.30 of added time, game restart at 3.15. Added time was 4 minutes, whistle blown at 5.21.

They did lose some time, but also got called for 2 yellow cards in the same time. I think the ref took all of it into account.

I do agree that some more time was warranted, but the Czechs were no longer on the attack.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Finally--The group is done, with Turkey joining Portugal in the second round. Turkey will face Croatia, while Portugal are most likely to see Germany (though Poland and Austria both still have a shot).

Read more on "Euro 2008 Liveblog: Turkey v. Czech Republic"...

The Big Fat Failed Sven Goran Eriksson Experiment

A-ha! Maybe this was the problem!

Thaksin Shinawatra has been called many things in the past. An evil despot. A persistent human rights violator. A bad leader. A jerk from Thailand. And now, thanks to the soundbite generator that is Noel Gallagher, he's been called "a bit of a nutcase."

He's all of these things, and probably many, many more as well. Why? Because he just called time on Sven Goran Eriksson's reign, a man who spent more time welcoming and waving farewell to players than he did managing the club. It's an odd move, but obviously quite a desperate one for Shinawatra, a guy who's seen the instant gratification era blossoming in the EPL but has yet to experience its warm, loving touch.

Around Christmas time, you'd be right in thinking that Man City had a UEFA Cup spot lovingly reserved, what with their blistering start to the season. Heck, they were so good that one of our very own UF brethren gushed about them openly, almost too openly for some.

That very post signaled the beginning of the end, as the UF curse [fact: 300% more deadly than the Madden Curse] took hold and they've been limping ever since: 21 points from their last 18 games. Fuck... that's worse than Spurs.

So.... where did it all go wrong? Are we all missing the bigger calamity here?

At first reaction, I thought maybe Sven had gotten a little too close to Mrs. Shinawatra, what with his fondness of keeping mistresses while he's busy managing football teams.

But really, it comes down to the cold hard reality that a lot of Sven's signings simply weren't that good. While he has managed to dramatically turn the club around, from a relegation battle to a Top 10 finish, that still doesn't fly in the cloud cuckoo culture of immediacy that has flooded the league. What have you done for me lately? Finished 9th and spent a shitload of my cash. End of story for Sven, in that scenario.

Shinawatra gave him enough rope to hang himself with, and he promptly did with a slew of signings and turning Maine Road into a giant revolving door made out of money:

Rolando Bianchi -- Absolute toss, but with flowing brown locks. Buggered off to Italy as soon as the window opened.

Geovanni -- Ugh. If you're looking for a striker to score just 3 goals in 23 games, buy cheap. Pick up Craig Bellamy and save yourself the trouble of scrambling to secure work visas.

Elano -- disappeared when they needed him most during the Winter, but he was instrumental in stuffing their crosstown rivals, so he gets a pass.

Gelson Fernandes -- works hard for the money, so hard for it honey. He's Swiss though, which makes me nervous. That fact has to count against him.

Martin Petrov -- beastly for long stretches of the campaign, as in beastly good. A solid winger, indeed. Reasonably-priced and also full of talent, like a matinee screening of a Scorsese film.

Javier Garrido -- I have no idea who this is. Moving on.

Vedran Corluka -- yeah, he's done well for himself. Solid defender whose lack of flair makes him perfect for the EPL.

Valeri Bojinov -- oh come on, now they're just making up names. Seems like another phantom Eastern European who doesn't exist, much like Chelsea's January transfer signing Branislav Ivanovic. Seriously though, where did Ivanovic go? He hasn't played a single first team game yet, and he's their most expensive defensive signing ever!

Felipe Caicedo -- A streaky Ecuadorian. Looks good in spells, but can't hold a spot in the team.

Benjani -- He proved himself at Pompey, and now, more of the same. Will prove reliable for seasons to come, and was an absolute fucking steal considering how much Portsmouth shelled out for Defoe around the same time.

So yes, as you can see, a fuckload of signings. He managed to clean out some of the dead wood, like Joey Barton, and bring in player that he thought would work with his scheming. Problem was, as he even admitted at one point, is that he signed some players after only having watched video of them playing, and that's just flat-out stupid. Then again, the only rationalization I can come up with for Lampard winning so many caps under Sven is that Eriksson was not paying close attention to the EPL, and simply just caught blurry, static camera footage of his playing style.

I can feel sorry for Sven on some levels, but not on the others. Ultimately, as members of the global workforce, we'll all slaves to our bosses and their whimsy. Sven is no different.Thaksin gave him money and artistic license, and he converted that into little more than a bloated squad and home defeats to Fulhamerica.

Also, at the end of the day, expectation far outweighed the grim reality of it all. For those big clubs outside the big 4, the desire to finally get in the treehouse is greater than ever and this constant push gives agents something to get excited about. The mid-tier teams talk excitedly and at great length about Ronaldinho and Kaka and whoever the latest 15-million pound wunderkind is, but the fact remains: those superstars aren't going to Maine Road unless they're walking into a club that doesn't need much help and salvation in locking down a Champions League spot.

Sven succumbed to this same pipedream. Tons of money spent, little to show for it. An army of scouts wandering the streets of Riga and Tallinn looking for the 5 million-rated Latvian Ronaldo. Exorbitant offers to the world's best, only to watch them get shared between Inter, AC Milan and Barcelona yet again. And so, the Tottis and the Cristianos of the world stand pat, and the working-class stadiums of the south and north-east are left to fend with the great unpronounceables.

Thaksin is a absolute fool if he thinks a sudden sea change from the manager will do much better. You give Sven one year of your 5-year plan, and we're already on to establishing a mandate for the incoming boss, whoever it may be [the "smart" money's on Scolari... hahaha].

Is there a manager that would subject themselves to what Eriksson's been through? He achieved what Shinawatra wanted for Year 1, and he still got the boot. Now it seems like anything less than Top 5 gets you shit-canned, and there's no manager that could guarantee that for Man City. Not to mention, there'd be yet another squad overhaul to get rid of Sven's tinkering and bring in fresh faces that the new gaffer's familiar with.

It's an absolute mess at Maine Road for the time being, and Noel Gallagher is right. Shinawatra's a nutcase. RIP Sven Goran Eriksson, the one-year wonder for the Blues.

For his next job, I'd recommend Wal-Mart. They might not give you health insurance, but they'll still treat you marginally better than Thaksin Shinawatra.

Read more on "The Big Fat Failed Sven Goran Eriksson Experiment"...

Wednesday Backpasses: Lies

Remembering the foreign contingent of the EPL back in 1992 [The Best Eleven]
Ibisevic interview with ESPN. Pretty run of the mill [The Offside Rules]
Tony Adams wants Joey Barton. Sad, really [Sky Sports]
Some unnnamed New York group is in the hunt to buy Newcastle [EU Football]

Finally:
The Fiver takes a look at the transfer talk dealings of Arshavin's agent [Guardian]

Read more on "Wednesday Backpasses: Lies"...

Thursday Backpasses: Eduardo looks like he should have a mullet

Good news for Gooners. Eduardo only weeks away from coming back [Soccernet]
Joey Barton wants to be your kids role model [BBC]
Yet another arrest is Polish corruption probe [Polskieradio]
Aberdeen's Red Ultras suspended from flag waving after setting off smoke bombs [Evening Express]

And, finally:
Differing views on English nationalization
Arteta says no thanks [Soccernet]
Almunia says sure, why not? [Soccernet]

Read more on "Thursday Backpasses: Eduardo looks like he should have a mullet"...

BREAKING NEWS - KEEGAN OUT

The Koog is dead...Long live the Koog..Well he is not dead...But he's gone..Finally!

Earlier this year Kelvin Koogan* breezed back into football after years of being forgotten and Geordies declared the second coming of the Messiah...He has breezed out just as fast.



That's right Ladies and Gentlemen, Kevin Keegan is no longer at the helm of Newcastle United. Crisis talks this week have ended with The Koogster resigning. Keegan was having issues with the Newcastle board, the main problem appears to be that he was not in charge of the transfer comings and goings. It is said that Keegan was furious that James Milner was sold to Villa last week and that the move was not his doing. Of course, he rushed to say it was and painted a rosy picture of a content Koog in full control.

Keegan has been having talks with the board since Tuesday. Newcastle stated that they had NOT fired the Koogster and wanted him to stay in charge but this afternoon King Kev conceded that he could find no common ground with owner Mike Ashley and his board...

"I've been working desperately hard to find a way forward with the directors, but sadly that has not proved possible...It's my opinion that a manager must have the right to manage and that clubs should not impose upon any manager any player that he does not want." - Kevin Keegan.

What is concerning here is this new found affinity some owners have with the actual acquisitions of players via a third party, a 'sporting director' if you will. Levy at Spurs has Commoli, Chelsea had Grant before he took the hot seat at Stamford Bridge and just yesterday West Ham boss Alan Curbishley quit for having his players sold behind his back. Newcastle adopted the 'sporting director' in the form of Dennis Wise. The former midfield terrier was installed behind the scenes shortly after the Koogster was appointed manager for the second time. This move was a mighty kick in the nuts to Keegan but he smiled and told the world he was looking forward to having his players picked for him..I mean he was looking forward to working with Wise.

Having a 'sporting director' is a very continental trend that just won't work in British football. Earlier this week I wrote of a similar situation at Rangers where Walter Smith discovered his striker had been sold while watching the TV. Jol did not like it at Spurs either...Bye Martin. Jose did not like it at Chelsea..Bye Bye Roman and now Keegan has been victim to the 'sporting director' curse up in the north east. This system is popular at Barcelona, Real Madrid, AC Milan, Espanyol and a host of foreign clubs but English football is very hands on and traditional. The manager is the top dog. The one who commands respect. He buys the players and he sells them. He disciplines and he above anyone else picks the team on a Saturday.

Keegan was re-installed after new owner Mike Ashley fired Sam Allardyce after a run of terrible results. Koog was immediately hailed as the savior of the 'toon' and welcomed back with open arms. But this summers lack of spending and the influence of Wise and Ashley in the transfer market has taken its toll on the 57 year old. Recently he seemed to be disillusioned with some of the decisions that have been above his pay-scale. Winger James Milner was sold to Villa and players were signed (as recent as Monday ) seemingly without Koogans approval. The Koogster also received flack for sticking with jailed bad boy Joey Barton.

Koogan will be sorely missed in football. I will personally miss those super post match interviews where he looks bemused in the face of defeat before declaring that Newcastle are better than that and will bounce back and show the world how good they are. Of course we all know that never happens Koogans elevated optimism was one only he believed in. I will fondly remember Koogans penchant for a silly quote...

"In some ways cramp is worse than having a broken leg"...
"They are the second best team in the world and there is no higher praise than that"...
"He's using his strength and that's his strength, his strength"...
"Maine road was a great football stadium, but as time moved on it stayed where it is"...
"The Germans only have one player under 22 and he is 23"...
"There will be no siesta's in Madrid tonight"...
"The tide is very much in our court now".. and who could forget "England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's are second to none!"

Before the second coming Keegan seemed happy outside of football even stating that he did not watch any games ... but the temptation to return to Newcastle was too great. After this failed spell however I honestly believe that this is the last time you will see Kelvin Koogan wearing a tracksuit alongside a professional football pitch. So take a good long look, remember the crazy quotes and wave goodbye...King Kev has left the building.


-Bigus

*U.F newbies note: Around these parts we referred to Keegan as Kelvin Koogan...Who knows why!

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Geordie Fight Club.

What happens when two footballers who don't like each other want to settle their differences? Well if you are Charles N'Zogbia and Andy Carroll, you find a location far away from the training ground and beat the living s**t out of each other.



According to the Sun newspaper the two have been unable to settle the matter that saw them fight during a reserve game at Carlisle. They fought on the pitch, in the dressing room AND in the car park. Now apparently, the two will seek to meet at a secret location to participate in a bout of underground fisty cuffs. Maybe they can get Joey Barton to film it?

The Sun's secret source claims...

“This one is getting out of hand. Neither Andy nor Charles will back down. For the club to say it was handbags and a run-of-the-mill argument is nonsense.They are still at it with each other and want to sort it out properly without any of the other players being able to pull them apart.”

So what on earth can they be feuding about? Leave suggestions in the comments below.

-Bigus

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This week in "'kids these days"

Artist's rendition

When I was 14, I liked to cause trouble. Very typical trouble too, the flirting with girls who were just (ahem) blossoming, playing pranks on teachers, experimenting with drugs and never getting punished.

It seems that this generation of youth soccer players exist on a very different plane.

From the news report:

"A teen soccer player allegedly punched a volunteer referee after a call during an AYSO game in the Oak Park section of Ventura County."

Simply brilliant.

At this point, I think Joey Barton Wallbangers must be more popular in the US than those of Beckham or C-Ron.


Running the risk of literally cutting-and-pasting the entire article, I'll do the work and paraphrase it myself: during a game, the 54-year-old referee issued a yellow card and warning for dangerous play, at which point the disciplined player allegedly began beating up the referee. It's no Peruvian melee or Polish fan fight, but still, it's another signpost on the road to ruin. So sad, really.

The referee suffered "extensive injuries" and required hospital treatment. No word yet on whether the lad will be offered an apprenticeship at Newcastle United. Ba-dum-chingggg.

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