The home of washouts Milan Baros and Antipodean sick note carrier Harry Kewell has bagged another EPL reject... in Citeh striker Darius Vassell!
You read that correctly: DARIUS VASSELL. He found a club to pay him to play soccer!
Wassermann Media Group, take note! Maybe Michael Owen won't be such a hard sell after all.
And, by the looks of the video after the jump, you'd think they'd signed Kaka, a young Platini and Alfredo DiStefano, back from the dead.
Pretty awesome, right? I mean, I'll be honest... if I ever received this kind of warm welcome, I'd be pretty damn happy.
The mania was orchestrated by Ankaragucu chairman Cengiz Topel Yildrim, who wanted to sway his decision (the two sides are still in talks... nothing has been signed yet) from the get-go, and I reckon it'll do the trick: "We aim to secure a big signing as this year is our centenary. He will visit the city and our installations. Then he will make a decision. I hope we can include him in our squad."
Can he at least score with the Vassell ladies? Maybe once every 5 games...
Fingers crossed for you, Cengiz! He orchestrated a convoy of 50 buses and 250 cars(!) to follow his car from the airport to his hotel, and the whole thing looks surreal and kinda brilliant.
Here's hoping Ankaragucu gets the good news it's looking for. Darius Vassell, scorer of 52 goals in 265 games for Aston Villa and Citeh, is on his way to the Turkcell Super Lig.
Stay tuned!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Turkey will take ANYONE.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Turkey: Now 100% Gay-Free
Halil İbrahim Dinçdağ was forced to quit his job as a soccer ref in Turkey after he turned up gay.
And that took care of the last gay person in Turkey.
Dinçdağ actually lost his job because he couldn't complete his compulsory military service. But according to regulations in Turkey, anyone failing to complete their military service for health reasons is unfit to perform as a referee.
The 33-year-old was excused from military service after he was listed as gay on his medical report. To which the only rational response is: Being gay is a medical condition in Turkey?
Anyway, Dinçdağ came out and appeared on national TV as the new co-host of Turkish Project Runway.
Oh c'mon. What good are stereotypes if we can't use them for easy jokes?
Dinçdağ was actually far more serious and made a reasoned plea: "Please stand tall against the unfairness against you, whenever something wrong is happening," he said. "Say that it is wrong. Say what is right for you."
Not exactly MLK stuff, but UF supports you as you fight the good fight, Dinçdağ. Just so long as you look fabulous doing it.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Not a good way to wind down after Euro '08
In serious news for just a moment, it appears that Turkey has more to grieve than their last-minute defeat to Germany in last month's European Championships. Over the weekend, the head of the Turkish Football Federation (TFF), Hasan Dogan, died of a heart attack.
While eating dinner with national coach Fatih Terim.
We will retain fond memories of an accomplished leader and an extraordinary man whose great human qualities ensured that he left an indelible mark on the game of football, not only in helping to develop football in Turkey but also around the world." With Aragones coming to manage Fenerbahce, they're looking good at club level, but someone has to fill Dogan's shoes fast before the national side flounders. I'd be remiss if I didn't note that McClaren is sadly unavailable.
Dogan took the job in February and was in charge for their biggest success on the world stage outside of the 3rd place in Korea/Japan '02.
Sepp Blatter's eulogy was, to my amazement, well-written:"We will remember his vast experience and know-how, his determination to develop the game as well as his unique personality. Being a thorough idealist Hasan Dogan managed to position not only Turkish club football but also the Turkish national team on an international level in only a few months at the helm of the TFF.
There's really no joke here, folks, just the impermanence of life rising up and reminding us of its presence yet again. Terim's a phenomenal, charismatic leader, but the TFF is going to need something equally headstrong to take the national team and the domestic league further in the future.
Any takers?
Friday, June 27, 2008
In Memoriam: Turkey
To the Turks, everything is "shurla burla", which means "like this, like that". You never know what will happen. All foreigners are "ayip", they're considered dirty.
This European championsip has been more like a film festival than a football tournament. And though there will be a winner come Sunday-- either Spain or Germany will take home the proverbial Palme d'Or-- there have been daily theatrics in the lead-up, an assortment of small wonders that certainly deserve their own prize. In a just world, where a team is rewarded in proportion to the joy they bring the fans, Turkey would return home as kings. In ours, they will have to settle for UF's footballing Prix de un Certain Regard, the award for "most innovative and audacious work" of Austria/Switzerland 2008.
Join us after the jump, where we will go on to praise, then bury Turkey.
Turkey did not belong on the field with the Germans on Wednesday night in Basel. They had no business battling back (or so we've been told and read in the papers) from a 2-1 deficit in the 86th minute. Certainly, Terim's men should have never had the opportunity to outplay Germany in the first semifinal match of the European Championship. No, they should have been eliminated long ago.
***
The first brush with death came in their second group stage match with hosts Switzerland. It had been an half-drab tournament to that point. No one had come from behind to win. In most of the early group stage games the only scoring had been done by the winning side.
And so it began, in the 57th minute, in front of 42,000+ at St. Jakob Park. Semih Senturk, the 25 year old Fenerbhache forward, dropped a bolt of lightning on the Swiss-- an equalizer just 11 minutes after he first crossed the touchline. It was Semih's first of the tournament and by miles his least memorable. Arda Turan would poke home the winner in stoppage time, and Turkey were on their way. A loss to Portugal firmly in the past, it was time for the Czechs and a win-or-go-home group finale.
***
Like Turkey, Bruckner's boys had been mollywhopped by the dazzling Portuguese and given a tough go against Switzerland. They entered the crunch match in Geneva knowing that a tie after 90 minutes would mean penalty kicks. But after 71 minutes, it all seemed an afterthought. A cananading header from the big fella Koller and a 62nd minute add-on from Plasil had certainly assured the Czechs' place. Turkey were disjointed, bordering on listless as Jan Polak smashed a cross into Volkan's left post. The Czechs were mere inches from 3-0.
That third goal would never come. Four minutes later Turkey found life as Sabri found Altintop (or "gold ball" as Tommy Smyth reminded us every 2 minutes for the entirety of the match) who found Arda Turan at the back post for the Turk's first roost of the evening. By now the rain was falling in heaps and the pitch had turned into a slip 'n' slide party. The Czechs were reserved and content to allow the likes of The Artist formerly Known as Colin Kazim-Richards to launch off speculative satellite balls from 35 yards out. Kazim was never going to hit the target and if he did, there was always the Cat in the Hat there to snip up loose ends. Into the 87th minute, we lurch forward... Terim is enraged at the shot selection and Nihat is imploring his side to (the Turkish equivalent of) "play your game."
Nihat knew that nothing was over. That on a wet pitch no keeper was infallible-- especially mercenary mug like Cech. So when ESPN camera's cut to the low angle for Altintop's whipped-in cross, there had to be doubt that any keeper could gobble it up with ease. Nihat knew it, and so he stayed in as the Czech defender began to pull out. His reward was the silver ball at his foot. A sitter he dragged into the OOS to tie it. It was 2-2, and we were headed for penalties. Surely.
Shurla Burla, indeed, as not more than three minutes later Nihat was in again. This time on a clever through ball from Tuncay-- the Czech backline frozen, thinking deeply we imagine about goal number two. He faced up with Cech to the keeper's right and from just inside the box dipped a precise strike under the crossbar. Turkey, if you could believe it, and there is no fucking way a sane man could, had won. They were going to Vienna for quarterfinal date with group winner Croatia.
***
Slaven Bilic's men, now the "Heroes of Klagenfurt" for their triumph over Germany just days earlier, were easy favorites to surge past an increasingly beleaguered Turkey. Injury and suspension had meant Fatih Terim would not be with his best lineup. That included goalkeeper Volkan, who would miss this match and a possible semi-final because of some tomfoolery against the Czechs.
All but two of the Turkish starting XI were on yellows as the quarterfinal kicked off. In goal was Recter Rustu, the Ottoman Jens Lehmann. Unlike their previous encounter, Turkey were more careful against the clever Croats. They would dominate possession (56% to 44%), but do little with it. We trudged on to extra-time, then a second 15 minutes.
Rustu, who had been as solid as necessary for 120 + 4 minutes, must have thought it was time for PK's as he went pranced off his line like a child. Skipping after a ball meant for Modric, he watched as the soon-to-be Spurs genius headed up and over his wandering ass and into the path of super-steady Alzonzo Mourning Klasnic. Quoteth ESPN live commentary: "Croatia have won it!" And, certainly, they had.
***
Shurla Burla? You never know what will happen. It's kind of like the Turkish version of "Der Ball Ist Rund," only, like, really dark and sinister. Exactly, we imagine, the kind of thoughts and feelings running through Croatia's dark heart as just seconds later ... with the referee taking one last deep breath of Vienna air... Semih Senturk played down a long, downfield prayer and lashed it across his body into the roof of Pletikosa's net.
As if there ever was a question, Croatia released its collective bowels after all but one of its PK's, allowing Turkey-- Again!!-- an unthinkable escape. Three times now, in consecutive matches, each more shocking than the last, Fatih and the fellas had prevailed against all common sense and wisdom. Their reward? Germany
***
As the loyal UFer might know, your humble reporter decided to attempt a little immersion trick for Wednesday's semi-final. I had hoped to liveblog the game from a nearby Turkish restaurant, but as the wireless revolution has yet to sweep into "Sahara's" on 2nd Avenue, alternative plans were engaged. The festivities were hosted by ü75, while I hustled for a table at lovely, open-air Sahara's, intent on doing some correspondent work.
The afternoon began as a Julie Foudy's face-style mess. The bar was closed down to make room for more tables-- more reserved tables. I was escorted, the palest man in the room, they "ayip," to a wraparound couch planted just precisely behind Sahara's monster flat screen HDTV. My next mistakes-- the first one being my implicit Jewyness-- were in ordering a Corona (idiot...) and offering my credit card (Teutonic surname stenciled in) to begin a tab. There was only one way out and so I flagged down the waiter and said the magic words.
"Doner Kebab... the ENTREE."
From here on out things were different. Within a minute the game had begun and I was sharing a table with a very Turkish man who knew very little English. His only words to me or anyone in the place were "In to Semih." Sage.
With UEFA's new policy of clearing the yellow card tally only after the quarterfinal, Turkey never had a chance. Volkan, Emre, Turcay, and Turan were all suspended. Nihat, a hero at St. Jakob Park a few days earlier, was out with a thigh injury. He wasn't alone.
No one in Sahara's was ready to talk about reasons why not, and if they were, I surely wouldn't have known a thing about it. The only (loud) English-speaking gentleman was seated a table over from me and I think he was partial to the Germans. I deduced this when he clapped and ran out after the game.
As for the Turkish partisans, they began with tempered glance. Calm. I was focused on the delicious doner kebab. Worth the 14 bucks, really, check it out some time.
Expectations being what they were, Kazim's rocket off the crossbar in the 13th minute set the place ablaze. The international odor of "Hey, we can beat these fuckers" was released into the room. The idle chatter finished. All were at attention. Entire families, grandmother and all, turned their seats toward the screens.
So it goes, so it goes. A half-volley off the foot of TAFKACKR hit the crossbar again before falling to Ugor Boral (who?!?), who slipped the ball through Lehmann's legs. Cue Mayhem. And a free beer, another Corona, for the Lad.
"Just shoot on that scum fucker!," I yelled at no one in particular. My companion nodded. He understood!
It was then, as the free drinks began circulating and the one woman younger than 50, a hostess I believe, started to do some absurd hip-wagging dance (which I've since saved to the hard drive), that it occurred to me. Turkey win and they are going to burn this fucker down! And if Turkey lose? They are going to burn this fucker down!
By halftime the mood has soured, but only a bit. Germany equalized through Schweinsteiger minutes after Boral's goal. It was a goal that is never scored if Turkey has a proper central defense in place. Still, a draw at the half, and the run of play clearly favoring the 'dogs... there was nothing to complain over.
Cue now the 25-man smoke break.
Cue then the German infiltrator's explanation of Turkish football: "The Turks you know were allies to the Germans in World War I. And in one famous battle the German general ordered the Ottoman cavalry to await his order on the flanks. 'We'll rough them up he told the Turks, then you come in and clean the ground.' The Turks agreed but when the battle began the horses charged immediately. The Germans were shocked but fought on and won a decided, bloooody victory. After the field was cleared, the German commander approached his Turkish counterpart and asked, 'Why didn't you wait for my whistle?' The Turk came off his horse and explained, simply, 'There is no pride in waiting, only in winning.' So attack attack attack! That is Turkish football!"
I've paraphrased there. The gentleman offered me a "raki," a kind of Turkish ouzo, before beginning his story. By the time he'd finished I was enthralled. Perhaps even dribbling at the mouth. The waiter leaned to me and explained that, for my next glass, consider mixing in some water and ice. No one drinks that shit straight. Oops.
The second half was a mess. Better to be forgotten. The international feed was stricken by a bolt of lightning. In Sahara's, loss of the picture was met with relief, not anger. Who could stand it?? By what I imagined to be the hour mark the first in-house cigarette was lit. Not more than ten minutes later, still without visual evidence, we were informed the Germans had gone up by a Klose header. A Rustu howler, too. I don't think the point was made clear enough for our crew, as no one screamed or responded in any exacting way.
More black. More Foudy.
It has to be the 80th minute.
"Another Raki! These things are great!"
This Ayip was chilling now. Even as time was running down on Turkey on that blackened screen there was calm. And you know what? Do you fucking know what?!? The screen flashed back on with the image of Semih "in to Semih!" Senturk in his teammates' arms. The bastard had tied it. Again.
Glass breaking. Man kisses-- my head and the top of my right ear too slow to escape. More Raki! They've done it again. My tablemate is now pacing, looping around our table. Turning left, like a good Turk!
There was a song now. Screaming. Hummus.
***
I refer you here to my pal ü75's topline to his liveblog:
Soccer is a game for 22 people that run around, play the ball, and one referee who makes a slew of mistakes, and in the end Germany always wins.
Gary Lineker's word, of course. And on this night, like so many other, prophetic indeed. The squirrely left back did it.
Turkey were done. They had lost. But tell me, looking back on this tournament 20 years hence, what will it be that you tell the young folk about?
Joachim Low's sweat stains? Ok, maybe.
Philip Lahm? No, sir.
What you'll tell them about is Turkey and their holy trinity of football miracles. About Fatih Terim and how much of dirty pimp-ass managerial job he did. And Rustu in the shootout against Croatia. And Semih!
In to Semih!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Euro 2008 Liveblog: Germany v. Turkey
Soccer is a game for 22 people that run around, play the ball, and one referee who makes a slew of mistakes, and in the end Germany always wins. - Gary Lineker
That's it, I surrender. There is no way my new-favorite team (Euros only) comes back from this one. Word is that Turkey will have about 14 available players for this one, with one of the subs being the third-choice keeper. There is absolutely no way they play their way past the Germans, is there?
It's still 11-on-11 on the pitch, no matter what kind of superiority in numbers the German bench has. There is an outside chance, however slight, that Turkey can do this. It is up to me today, UF's least-disciplined liveblogger, to bring this one to you today. Join me as I dissect what will surely be a 5-0 German win
Lineups:
Germany (4-5-1): Lehmann; Friedrich, Mertesacker, Lahm, Rolfes, Metzelder; Schweinsteiger, Ballack, Hitzlsperger, Podolski; Klose. Screw you, ESPN
Turkey (4-5-1): Rustu, Balta, Gokhan Zan, Sabri, Boral; Topal, Aurelio, Altintop, Kazim, Akman; Senturk.
So, Podolski starts up top, and presumably Gomez is banished to the Black Forest. While you are waiting for the match to start, go check out some Germany highlights in Lego form Here and Here.
note: The Likely Lad, who had hoped to live blog this game from a Turkish restaurant, will still be at said restaurant. He'll be sending us updates on his fancy phone, some of which we will pass on to you.
note mark II: For those who need your weekly Good, Bad, WTF fix, that will be going up at 6.00. Just hold out, it's worth it.
-10 .00 ESPN is on. Foudy is foudying it up. Schweinsteiger is Art Alexakis, to continue with my "Looks like a guy who got played on MTV in the '90s" analogies.
-7.00 It looks like The Likely Lad is not one you should rob. He just confessed to living in NYC without a Blackberry.
-4.00 Get ready for the anthems. Will Kazim Kazim sing?
-3.00 I'll admit, I'm openly rooting for a Lehmann mistake or two to send Turkey through. Can they naturalize David Healy for this match?
That sucks, Chad. But welcome anyway. I'll try to be faster than ESPN 360.
-1.00 Uh oh, Lehmann looks short in this lineup. You can't teach height, as we found out from Koller in my last liveblog.
Rustu!, Ballack! Speak English, fuckers!
0.00 Kick Off! Let's go! Turkey actually have 7 subs on the bench. We'll see if more than two get off of it.
2.00 The field in Basel still doesn't look any better. Germany content to possess early and make Turkey run.
3.00 I wonder if Loew will have significant pit stains like last game in the stands. And does he have all of his shirts hemmed like that, or what?
5.00 I wouldn't want to run into Terim at a shady NYC Turkish restaurant, I'll tell you that.
6.00 Turkey get a couple of crosses in, but come to nothing.
7.00 Kazim gets a shot off, right at Lehmann. Turkey are pushing forward when they get the ball. Probably trying to steal an early goal and then sit back.
Lehmann forced into another save when Lahm blows it.
9.00 TLL update:
Been here 5 minutes and have already gotten in trouble. Started a
tab. with my credit card. with my name... my last name which means
WAR in German. They tried to seat me behind the TV . Only got out by
ordering $14 doner entree
11.00 Germany are definitely sitting back early and not trying to push and pull a depleted Turk squad. Odd.
12.00 Another Turkish foray up front. They'll be dead by 60 minutes at this pace.
13.00 Dear Germany, playing balls in the air to a lone, unsupported striker 40 yards out won't win you anything.
And Kazim off the crossbar! Follow-up shot goes a yard wide for a corner. This team is going all out, as alluded to in the comment section. Corner goes for nothing.
15.00 Turkey are getting in behind the German defense. Looks good, so far for the Turks.
16.00 Klose writhes in pain after attempted tackle misses him. Free kick straight to Rustu.
17.00 Schweinie dives, no call. Germany still on attack. Cleared out for corner.
18.00 Ballack could not push his way to the corner, cleared by Rustu.
19.00 As I clarified up top, both teams are running a 4-5-1. We hate the 4-5-1 at UF.
20.00 TLL is predicting a riot if Turkey do win.
22.00 Goal! Turkey go on top after a cross from the right is directed off the crossbar. The rebound falls to Boral who puts it through Lehmann's legs 1-0 Turkey
23.00 That's Boral's first international goal.
24.00 Well, they have their goal. Do Turkey sit back, or do they attack some more? Germany look disinterested in playing at all.
25.00 Aurelio does not get enough of his head on a corner to bother the Germans. The game is still in the German defensive third for the most part.
26.00 Goal! Scheinie latches onto a Rolled Podolski cross from the right. Touches it into the upper back corner 1-1
27.00 Totally against the run of play there. Can't fault the soft finish. It was very nice. Rustu in no position to do anything.
28.00 Two rather old keepers here. Will that be a factor in the end? Neither looked good on the goals, but then keepers rarely look good when giving up goals.
29.00 Easy header collected by Jens. Another close call on the other end. Corner for Germany.
31.00 TLL in the middle of a chaotic scene. Someone bought him a beer after the first goal. We'll see if he is still alive after the equalizer.
31.00 There it was, almost the quintessential Jens gaffe. He went out for a free kick that almost floated over his head into the goal. Corner kick cleared by Germany for another corner. Turks maintain possession.
33.00 TLL, still alive, informs us that the Turks hate Tommy Smyth, too.
34.00 Podolski gets free on the right, gets into the box, and blows it over the bar by two feet.
35.00 Jens has had to make 5 saves so far. Should've had 6.
36.00 Hey! I can watch MLS on this very same channel! At least the NBA is over.
38.00 Free kick Turkey right outside the box. Lahm tried to kick Kazim in the face. He missed, but still. Wall is set. Time being wasted. Kick taken as a near post shot, goes to the middle of the goal, Jens punch save.
39.00 Blood on Rolfes after he headed Akman in the back of the head. Both are off for treatment and stitches.
41.00 Game has opened up 10-on-10. Both sides push for shots. Turkey almost through on goal. Serioglu just over from 22.
42.00 Turkey look to have tired a bit.
44.00 Frings may have to come on for Rolfes. They haven't stopped his bleeding yet.
And Rolfes is back on, never mind.
45.00 +1 Tweet Tweet I am surprised by the lack of German passion. They are not really robots, are they? Also surprising--this rather undisciplined Turk squad have no first-half cards.
Back after the break, but before I go another TLL update:
Overheard of guy talking about Turkish football, "There is no pride in waiting, only in winning." That guy did not watch the first half of the Czech-Turk game, then.
TLL: 25 man smoke break at the restaurant.
Foudy: "Turkey is playing like they have nothing to lose" Both teams can go home here sweetie. It's not like Germany can make the final after a loss.
45.01 Here we go. Alright, I'm sick of coffee and too wired. Maybe Germany's play can bring me back down.
Frings on for Rolfes.
46.00 Podolski rampaging down the right, and crosses 20 yards past anyone.
47.00 Why did Demirel get a two-game ban and Schweinie only get one, anyway?
49.00 Lahm gets lucky not to get a yellow as he pulls back on a Turkish player who was past him.
50.00 TLL is still alive. He's at a table with a guy who speaks no English. They seem to agree that Lehmann is piss, though.
51.00 Lahm bundled over in the box. It looked bad, but no penalty.
52.00 RK5 = +1
52.00 Lahm definitely fouled. Probably outside the box, though. Ah, the benefits of replay to second-guess the ref.
52.00 TFA- thanks for the answer
53.00 Yellow Card Senturk for foul on Frings (?) I didn't see it, I was too busy laughing at RK5, still.
55.00 Germany is getting into the attack in the second half. Turkey may have done all they can do. Also, Turkey look to have gone to a 4-4-2.
Hitzlsperger over from 25.
56.00 Metzeleder down. Not touched on the sliding tackle. Still has a kick-ass playoff beard.
57.00 Altintop takes down Ballack dead center 28 yards out.
57.00 Ballack into the bottom of the wall. Black out!
58.00 This is in no way going to help my ESPN argument. Georger, you win!
59.00 I'll steal from soccernet if I can.
60.00 Tech problems in Switzerland (lightning), other networks have the same problem.
60?.00 Altintop over from distance on a free kick.
Okay, it seems to be affecting the Beeb as well. No picture making it out of the country, I'm afraid. Turkey had another off-target shot from 20 yards.
ESPN sez radio guy sez Turkey is toying with Germany. AND WE'RE BACK
66.00 And nothing of note.
67.00 Lahm easily beaten by Serioglu, but his cross goes to no one.
68.00 Sixth Turkish corner, only two for the Germans. Headed from the near post to the top of the box. Nada here, I'm afraid.
69.00 Are we really going to extra time again? Neither team incisive over the last seven or so minutes. Kazim appeals for foul, doesn't get it.
70.00 Lahm looks to be the weak spot for Germany's defense. Look for Turk attacks exclusively down the right in the last 20 minutes.
72.00 Jens content to waste time with free kick from offside call.
72.00 Of course, Turkey attack from the left and get a good look, but right at Jens. Hitzlsperger just wide from 30 or so the other way.
73.00 Yes, Tuncay's absence is felt by us all, I think.
75.00 *yawn*
76.00 Did they switch these teams for Italy-Spain in the blackout?
77.00 Bye Bye feed. Just as well.
TLL: First in-house cigarette is lit. the only thing my pal here says when
Turkey has the ball is, "In to Semih." Also the only englis hes
spoken... broken glass!! getting edgy in here. but im 3 rakis in,
feeling brave.
Germany miss from in close. Did Gomez get in?
78.00 Goal Klose. It was awesome. I wish you could have seen it.
At least ESPN has the fan zones to show.
Apparently Rustu blew it, maybe even Cech-style, on a cross.
Soccernet guy says he has feed again. Why don't we have ours?
Erding on for Akman.
Correction--BBC has pictures. Fuckers.
TEASE!
Turkey seem to be on a steady attack, but nothing in the net yet. Of course, stoppage time is still a little but away.
GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL 2-2 Serioglu
Both keepers now at fault. Lehmann beaten softly near post. Rustu way misjudged a cross and had the ball headed in front of him.
88.00 It's Turkey time now, bitches. 2 minutes from injury time.
89.00 Senturk tries a ridiculous shot one minute before he should have.
90.00 Goal Lahm goes near post. There's still time!
Fed in by Hizlsperger. No picture.
Rustu sucks balls. Five German shots on goal, three goals.
Time must be up by now. Two injury minutes on the clock.
Game over. Fuck the swiss TV people. Turkey had a free kick from 30 yards out at the end, but Metin put it over.
3-2 Germany Final
Turkey had 22 shots (15 on goal); Germany 9 (5)
Possession 63%-37%
Finally, the top quote I put up there has a bunch of resonance, doesn't it?
Question of the day
Celebration! Sad none of us are playing today
Turkey arrived at Euro 2008 as longshots to escape the group stage. They got whacked by Ronnie and the Dancing Poofters in their first outing, then went down a goal in the first half of their second match, against host Switzerland. But late goals from Semih and Arda Turan earned them their first win and well, thus began the madness.
Here then is the question. Just how improbable is a Turkey win against the Hun this afternoon? Sport is full of surprises--the '69 Mets, Joe Namath's Jets, Villanova in '85, Fresno State baseball and NY Giants football this year-- but this is surely a doner rack too far.
So again: Where would a Turkish triumph in Basel today rank on the list of modern sporting upsets?
Have away.
More reasons why Terim's boys have absolutely no chance of winning after the jump...
Today, that rabbit might look more like a bear.
In short:
-Coach Fatih Terim has only 12 outfield players available for today's game. There've been whispers (likely untrue) about his using the third-string keeper in the midfield.
-Germany are really good. And they are Germany (lest we forget.)
-Nihat (tying and winning goals against the Czechs) is done for the tournament with a muscle inury. Servet Cetin and skipper Emre Belozoglu are out today, as is Tumer Metin (though the coach says he could potentially come on as a sub for "30 minutes at most.")
-Tuncay of Middlesbrough, arguably their best all-around player in the tournament, the guy who strapped on the keeper gear when Volkan got booted from the group finale, is out with accumulated yellow cards. Arda Turan, Volkan and Emre Asik also will miss out on suspensions.
-They'll be depending on the likes of The Artist Formerly Known as Colin Kazim-Richards to (help) fuel their attack. And if you saw the look on Nihat's face as Kazim shanked two long-range prayers as time ran down against the Czechs, you know this is a significant problem.
-Then there's backup keeper Recber Rustu. Like his counterpart today, Recter is prone to the occasional howler. That may fly against Croatia. But this ain't Croatia. Turkey need to play "the perfect game."
So the odds are against them. No doubt. Just as they were in each of the previous three games. And in each match they've upped their resolve... and pulled a larger rabbit out of their collective tarpus.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Euro Trash Day 14: Wow. Just... Wow.
Holy shit.
Unreal.
Oh my god.
You're kidding me.
You're fucking kidding me.
We leave any out?
Probably. What happened today wasn't unreal. It was completely real. Unexpected, yes—I think Tommy Smyth had even said something like, "Well Turkey are out"—but it totally happened.
And here's the thing. It was actually kind of boring. For 90 minutes, Croatia had, what, two good chances (and you just knew they would pay for missing that sitter that Olic sailed off off the crossbar at about the 18th) that weren't the result of a massive goaltending blunder.
For long stretches of the second half—and we're talking like Mesozoic long—Turkey didn't even look like they were interested in scoring. "Hey, one point for the draw. We'll take it."
Uh, doesn't work that way anymore in the knock-out stages, kids.
So when Turkey's back-up keeper, Rustu, came off his line in the 120th minute for the sole purpose of what looked to be giving Luka Modric the chance to put the ball on Ivan Klasnic's head, Turkey were, ahem, cooked.
And for the second time. Remember how they were eliminated by the Czech Republic in the last game of the group stage?
That's why what happened next was so unbelievable. There shouldn't have even been enough time for it to happen (seriously, where did 74 seconds of stoppage time come from?). But a greedy ball across midfield to a couple of players who were way offside for Croatia gave Turkey the ball and Rustu did what he could, specifically: kick it long and pray.
A head, a bounce, and a Semih Senturk strike later Rustu, and all of Turkey owe one to the supreme being of their choice.
When it went to PK's did anyone think Turkey wouldn't win? Okay, after Modric missed his first kick did those people still not think Turkey would win? (But hey, Spurs, you've got a young player who is already a seasoned choker, nice going).
And if you just saw the highlights, it wouldn't make for a compelling watch. A couple of goals. Two missed PK's and a save. I'm certain of this because it's what SportsCenter led with on the heels of the surreal turned real. Twenty seconds, there's your recap. Now here's some news on Pac-Man Jones. Awesome, huh?
No.
That's the thing about futbol, you have to endure the whole thing for the parts of it to make sense and to matter. You can't just give away the ending. Only after the build-up in the narrative do you care that the chick in The Crying Game is a dude, or that Bruce Willis himself is dead.
Oops. Spoiler alerts. Sorry. Rosebud is also the sled, by the way.
Okay, so long parts of the match were boring, but you can't take a shortcut to get the drama. Sorry, you just can't.
Anyway, Turkey are bulletproof. Yeah, they're down about five players to cards, a couplathree more to injury, so they look dead before they even take the field against die Germans. But, as noted, Turkey have already been eliminated twice and, yet, here they are, one win from a spot in the finals.
I'm guessing they are going to warm up for the semi with soccer balls made of kryptonite.
Euro 2008 Liveblog: Croatia v. Turkey
Well, we are here.
Made it in one piece after the abbreviated workday (publishing is kind like that), and now we're roosting on the corner of the bar, prepping for today.
This liveblogging is hard work, especially when you're trying to drink at the same time. Proceedings are fairly sedate for the time being, being the Upper West Side, but it will degenerate come kick-off, of that I am certain.
To reiterate, we're at George Keeley's, on Amsterdam Avenue between 83rd and 84th. If you're out and about, please come and join us. Projection screen and a Golden Tee in front of us, and a fully-stocked bar and amiable bartender behind us.
These two teams have an arseload of history between them. Briefly speaking, they hate each other.
Let's get cracking, shall we?
Kickoff is approaching! We're also going to switch the times for simplicity's sake. The stadium staff appear to have changed the colour of the running track to blue, giving the impression of a moat surrounding the pitch. This is presumably to ward off the advancing Turk hordes. It might be the smartest thing they do this entire tournament. My pick: Turkey's winning this one....2-1. The bar is also filling up slowly but surely. COME ON DOWN, FOLKS! Beer 2 and I'm gathering steam. Also, NY Kid: they just ran out of this one beer. Bigus practically fucking lives here. [Is that what married life is really like?] Bilic looks like a bible salesman in his rather dour outfit choice. The Turks are struggling to get the ball up to Nihat, and I for one am so fed up with the 4-5-1 formation that I want to drink the piss of Avram Grant's wife to wash the sour taste out of my mouth. Tommy Smyth makes another asinine comment, saying that Croatia is taking longer to settle than they have in previous games. No-one thinks to point out to him that it's only been 18 minutes. Olic and Balta are having quite the tussle down the right so far. Bigus points out that you have to score those. I nod in agreement. Modric pounds the floor in frustration like a small toddler. Perhaps him and the other North London crybaby, William Gallas, should get together and have coffee sometime. Bigus is well-equipped to make the toddler comparison as he has one of his own. It's worth pointing out that Modric and Bigus' son, Luke, are about the same height and weight. Pranjcic is having a field day down the left flank so far. 5 crosses in the last couple of minutes. The Croats are threatening.... goal soon for them, we reckon. Beer #4. Also, all you grammar/comprehension ninnies.... fuck off. I'm not on the clock anymore, you bastards! Bigus thinks I type like old people fuck.... well, his wife told me he fucks like old people fuck. Marital bliss does not reside in the Dickus household, it appears. So sad. I remain unimpressed. Seriously though, this is a wonder to watch. Memo to SI editors (of course I'm not letting this go): send Chris Mannix to Eastern Europe to watch the Turks play. Perhaps he'll end up in that Hostel place they showed in movies. Seriously though.... ESPN needs to try harder if they're going to make an honest run at EPL coverage. Tommy Smyth deserves to be homeless. No real chances to speak of in the last 10, but at least both teams are showing their cards. Attack, attack, attack. It's glorious. Also, the 4-5-1 still sucks, regardless if all the cool kids are doing it. Is anyone still out there? Will that end up being a costly miss? Bigus still picks the Turks "to get basted". I was hoping his jokes would improve as he got more drunk. Bigus finally read my comment about his "fucking" "ability", and would like the world, yes, the world, to know that his granddad was a sexual deviant. This has nothing to do with the match, but he doesn't care! Croatia come agonizing close to a goal... nice sweeping move forward leads to not one, but two clearances off the goal-line. The match is running past at breakneck speed....Croatia will score soon. We are convinced of this. Arda gets a yellow for a hipcheck on Sidney Crosby (we have no fucking idea who he knocked down. The volume on the telly is low, and the TV is blurry. Plus some Croat-loving tosser is yelling loudly. Bigus is unimpressed at Niko's finish, but he's not surprised: after all, Kranjcar does play for Portsmouth. He opines further that it's due to him being surrounded by se(a)man for nine months of the year! Brilliant! Also, re: Julie Foudy.... would you fuck her? Is she "doable"? [Beer keeps landing in front of us. It is my pre-constructed excuse for the decline in quality of this liveblog. It gets worse with every second.] Bigus said he's rather do me. Something about me having nicer hair [I sport a shaven head]. I am panicked by this revelation. Dare we continue? Bigus just spilled beer on his notebook. He is saddened by this development. He is adamant that Croatia will score in the next 10 minutes. Considering that he's been wrong about everything else to this point, I will reserve judgment. Immediately upon typing this, Croatia surge forward with a gorgeous 1-2 that results in a scuffed shot miles over the cross bar. He is now convinced again that Croatia are very close to scoring. We had a slight hiccup there as my battery died, but we found a power outlet on the ceiling after removing the plug of one of the neon beer signs. I am now blogging almost standing up. Another Croat corner whipped in low towards the edge of the 6-yard box, and it's easily cleared. Bigus points out that Turkey are not even getting close to the final third, so another striker seems futile unless he's got some Kuyt-esque workrate in him. To RK5: we're trying our best, but you can only work with what you've got, which in this case is a muted 2nd half and a lot of free pints. Recber needs a haircut. Great, mazy run from Croat sub Petric leads to a free kick at the top of the box. A huddle has formed around the ball, but it clears and Srna looks like he's taking it. Extra time is looming as a Turkish free kick 40 yards out amounts to, yep, you've guessed it, nothing. Credit the Turks for their resiliency, and seriously, credit to you, the commenters and visitors, who've been making our hard work worth something. Euro '08 has been a blast so far, and we're all eternally grateful for the insight, observations, and lewd notes posted in all these liveblogs. Please, keep them coming! Another dangerous cross from the right forces a great reaction save from Recber. Now the pace is picking up again as they forage in search of an injury-time winner. Back in 10. Kiss the ring! Bilic has loosened his tie and looks rather rattled.... his calm bible salesman persona is out the window. He now looks and acts like a man who's renounced God and started hitting the whiskey. The great Croat chance-squanderer Olic is off, replaced by some other c*nt with a five o'clock shadow. It's Klasnic's turn to be wasteful in front of goal. Still, the beers keep arriving at our table. Anyone in New York: Amsterdam Avenue between 83rd and 84th. The sun is shining, the beer is flowing.... come on down! In bar news: some idiot in a brown t-shirt just pissed off his girlfriend, and he's trying the "let me hug you and make it all better" routine. She is unimpressed and keeps shrugging him off. He keeps trying to hug her, and she's visibly upset. He stroked her hair and she was two seconds shy of punching him in the balls. She's now sulking on a stool while he continues to drink, alone at the table they once shared. THIS IS THE BEST DRAMA EVER. He is wasting more chances to make up than Olic missed shots on the edge of the 6-yard box. Bigus notes that he still has a chance, as she hasn't left. She's busy pouting. We would care more, except Bigus notes she looks like a Clanger. At this point, blogging the match is secondary to blogging their argument. We will let you know if he managed to get back in her good books. He's now stormed off to the bathroom, and she's about to leave. Chivalry is well and truly dead. In relationship news: both brown t-shirt guy and Clanger are sitting in silence at their table. I think they're getting a divorce. Bigus notes if he were in brown t-shirt guy's position, he'd have gotten a divorce a long time ago, as she looks like a skinny girl chewing on a bag of wrenches. I am also silently hoping we get to liveblog our first penalty shoot-out of the competition. Brown t-shirt guy and Clanger are slowly beginning to talk again. Who said world peace isn't possible? Clanger and brown t-shirt guy just left....... shame, that. On the other hand, the dog is still here, and it's fucking awesome. [Sorry Q, no picture for you!] The Croats are surging forward with desperation as the Turks are comfortable heading for penalties. Man, I wish I had that dog as a pet. It's like a cross between a golden retriever and a lab? I have no clue. Hey look, a scoring chance! Turkey prepare for a free-kick out on the right side. An ambulance just sped by. Bigus reckons brown t-shirt is laid up on a stretcher in the back suffering from a stab wound. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL... cross in from the right, and finally a Croat gets on the end of it. Number 17, Klasnic, the sub nods it into at the near post. Bilic goes fucking apeshit on the sideline like it's a Managers Gone Wild video shoot. No PKs for us. Croatia 1, Turkey 0. Croatia 1, Turkey 1. PKs just around the corner. I cannot believe what just happened. Two goals in 80 seconds to keep the sides deadlocked. Here we go. Srna is devastated... three trainers and Bilic still can't stop the tears. What a finish. Recber is getting laid many times tonight, you can bank on that. Altintop and Fatih are on top off the world. Amazing finish.
Starting XIs
---
CROATIA
01 Pletikosa
05 Corluka
04 Kovac
03 Simunic
22 Pranjic
11 Srna
14 Modric
10 Kovac
07 Rakitic
19 Kranjcar
18 Olic
---
TURKEY
01 Rustu
22 Altintop
04 Zan
15 Asik
03 Balta
06 Topal
20 Sarioglu
17 Sanli
14 Turan
18 Kazim-Richards
08 Nihat
---
2.37: Excitement's building in the stands, with the requisite stupid hats and ridiculous face paints. Slaven Bilic was pacing anxiously a minute ago; is this the same useless cunt who spent 4 miserable seasons at West Ham and Everton? He's become quite the managerial god.
2.39: Bigus is on his third pint, and equally anxious as the bar's run out of his favourite beer, Victory Pilsner. He is sticking to his promise of being plastered by 3pm as he coolly cruises through his another full glass of "Doggy Style".
2.40: [He's also anxious because he foolishly picked the Croats to win the whole tournament.] Seriously, he picked a Croatia v. Italy final. Could there be anything worse?
2.44: No-one knew the words to the Turkish national anthem, and now it's Croatia's turn. Bigus notes that the cameraman had to pan down to catch the speechless pint-sized midfielder Luka Modric, who will fit in well at Spurs: he's short and has nothing worthwhile to say.
1 min: Turkey starts quickly. They are going for the throat early, but both teams are rushing to assert their tempo.
3 min: Modric takes a shot that's deflected wide. Fatih Terin is yelling at his players.
4 min: A good shot by Altintop, only just wide. Croatia surge forward down the left, and the low cross into the 6-yard-box is scrambled away under pressure. Srna's corner amounts to fuck all.
7 min:End-to-end stuff so far. Which makes me happy, because in my Mannix-esque way of thinking, a 0-0 that I hadn't seen coming would be a fucking travesty. I mean, c'mon guys, this sport is fucking terrible when no-one scores a goal, right? Right?
11 min: We're having some technical difficulties [read: Keeley's internet connection is pants], but we're persevering. The beer is definitely helping. Kovac "fouls" Tuncay on the edge of the box, which was disgraceful in Bigus' eyes. Kovac got the ball cleanly, but the ref blew the whistle anyway. Too quick on the draw. Free Kick was taken by Zan which hits Kovac of all people square in the chest. Kovac goes down like a cheap slut.
15 min: Turkey is definitely forcing the issue a lot more, having the lion's share of possession and spending more time in Croatia's half, but their attacks are quite meaningless. Very Michael Moore-esque in that regard.
16 min: Someone comes through the bar trying to sell wooden carvings of various animals. I consider buying the hippopotamus figurine for Bigus Dickus. Then, sense returns and I turn the man away.
19 min: CROATIA GONE WILD.... almost. Modric takes the throughball down the right, squirting another dangerous low cross along the edge of the 6-yard box. Olic blazes the pass off the underside of the crossbar, and some idiot misses the rebound header with Rustu Recber beaten all ends up.
24 mins: A great match so far. Wide open football from both sides, end-to-end stuff. Cracking to watch. Speaking of cracking, Kranjcar gave us his best Kimbo Slice impression by laying a boot into an unfortunate Turk's face.
26 mins: To address all this drunk/passed out talk, I assure you, we're trying our best. Bigus talks at a million words per minute, the beer is catching up to us, and the internet connection is shaky at best. Recipe for disaster!
28 min: The bar is filling rapidly, just like my bladder. So many beers! The Turkish right-back needs defending lessons.... people not to ask: Sergio Ramos or the imminent Chelsea FC scapegoat Boswinga.
31 min: Bigus is pleased of this joke: "Arda needs to try 'arder. Getting shrugged off the ball very easily."
32 min: Penfold lookalike Tommy Smyth is pleasuring us with his retarded observations. Bigus is about to smash the television.
34 min: Great play from Turkey. Now they're putting all the pressure down the flanks.
38 min: It's all Turkey for the moment. Is this scripted? Have the two teams agreed to take 10 minute shifts in attack?
40 min: Cracking shot by Topal leaves Pletikosa at full stretch, but the ball drifts narrowly wide.
41 min: Bigus' 2-line summary of the half: "End-to-end stuff, the Turks lack the passing in the final third, and Croatia look very dangerous down the left, where Pranjic has been raping Altintop blind."
44 min: Discussions about the personal lives of various US Soccer luminaries about. We invited Sunil Gulati to the Kinsale with us [well, I didn't, but I have a friend who's got a connection], but predictably he turned us down. It makes sense, right? US Soccer's chief has better things to do? Maybe we smell bad.
45 min + 1: Wolf-whistles echo in the night air as we're winding down to halftime. Lots of back-and-forth, but only that one meaningful chance to reflect on. Olic should have buried that. You're a striker, you're six yards out, and you scuff the ball onto the crossbar.
HALF TIME: Let's address some comments, shall we? To "rape somebody blind"... I think the idea is that you fuck them so hard that they lose their eyesight, although if you google the term "rape blind", you get a disturbingly large number of links to news stories about blind people being raped. It's enough to make me want to stop liveblogging. But I digress. Julie Foudy is in the studio, and I wish I was deaf.
50 min: Thanks to the magic of pre-planning, my laptop battery is going to die in 20 minutes. I blame Bigus.
54 min: Corluka is having a tidy game at the back for Croatia. More possession for Modric and co. in midfield as they start to exert the pressure.
57 min: Kranjcar is put through on goal via a neat pass, and his weak shot is smothered easily by Rustu Recber.
60 min: The talk of the table has been concerned with guessing whether a female patron's chest is real or enhanced. Also, we are trying to figure out why Colin Kazim-Richards also goes by Kazim-Kazim. Nobody has a fucking clue. Nobody knows, nobody knows...
62 min: Anyone still here?
63 min: Another reason for the lack of updates is that there isn't much going on in the second half. The pace has slowed, which is unsurprising considering the electricity of the first 45.
66 min: From the mastermind of Bigus: Croatia are in control now, having cut down on the room and width Turkey were enjoying on the flanks. This sounds almost sensible, to our collective surprise.
70 min: Bigus has amended his idea of Croatia scoring in the next 10 minutes. He is confident of extra time.
73 min:Croatia completely in control. It's been almost 20 minutes since Turkey got into the final third, and they're finding themselves stymied in midfield.
74 min: Corner to Croatia. Lots of pushing and shoving in the box. The ref is not having it. Srna swings it in low and it amounts to nothing. To credit the ref, he's doing well thus far by being largely anonymous.
77 min: ACTION! SWEET ACTION! A sub for Turkey... Topal off, Santurk on. Fatih has finally realized that another striking option is needed, so off comes one of the inept midfielders in lieu of another forward.
79 min: Foul on the goalie Recber after another shit corner from Srna. Likely Lad: that was funny. Where is that humor in your liveblog efforts?
82 min: The Turkish contingent in the stands are trying their hardest to get some life into their side, who have looked quite bland in the second half. Both teams are running out of steam, and Bigus is amazed that Croatia haven't scored a goal yet.
83 min: Cracking free kick by Srna yields a diving save by Recber at full-stretch. How the fuck did he get on that? The ball was looping and swerving sharp for the top right corner, but Recber keeps his team in it. Magic save. By our count, that's only the fourth or fifth save Recber's had to make.... lots of possession but few clear-cut chances.
85 min: And now... a picture.
88 min: The Croat contingent in the bar is getting rowdy as the side surges forward once again, the sweeping move cut short by another cynical tackle. Corner for Croatia, taken again low and hard by Srna. Note to Bilic: have someone else take the corners. Srna's whipping them in low right into the first Turkish defender. Nothing lofted in whatsoever.
90 min + 1: Wolf-whistles again from the crowd as Srna has another free kick 30 yards out and Recber keeps a grip on it. He's keeping Turkey in this one. Not much bite on the free kick this time around, but he does what he's there to do. Which is more than can be said for Petr Cech.
90 min + 3: With surely the last kick of the injury time, Olic has a sharp shot that fizzes just over the bar. He was offside, but who gives a shit?
FULL TIME: Turkey 0, Croatia 0
We're off for another swift round of drinks and a game of darts.
EXTRAS ARE UNDER WAY.
91 min: The match slowly rumbles back to life, and it appears that several of the Croatian team have used that brief breather to sort their hair out. Simunic's hairstyle looks especially well put together. The side part is quite striking.
93 min: Despite my fondness for the Turks, they're looking a lot like this year's Greece. At least in this game.... lots of time spent defending and passing the ball around without much purpose. It's enough to drive a man to dri--- oh wait, we already are.
94 min: Turkey's getting a bit more possession and starting to find some room to work the ball wide, but the Croatians are very good at closing them down quickly. Turkey are like the mole to Croatia's whacking at this point.
95 min: Pletikosa is forced into his first save for quite a while, getting down low to keep out the hard near post shot.
97 min: There really is no place like NYC for attractive women with big wobbly butts. Seriously. We just spotted three in the space of a minute, jiggling down the street. Wobble wobble indeed!
100 min: Oh shit, a throw-in. u75: yes, the electricity is free, and the procession of beautiful women who just clocked off work is a joy to behold.
104 min: Turkey come close with a chance, but both teams are definitely playing for penalties. Neither side is really making any clear-cut opportunities. Turkey is enjoying the dregs of possession heading into the whistle.
BREAK Turkey 0, Croatia 0. Someone just showed up with an awesome dog! This is high fucking drama!
112 min: Klasnic, Olic, computer hitch, son-of-a-bitch. Some tech difficulties there, but we're back. Both teams are pushing wherever they can to try and squeak out a winner, but this has PKs written all over it. Modric made a neat run down the right, but his selfishness dissolved the opportunity.
116 min: It's not as nice as Bigus' dog Bailey, I've been instructed at gunpoint to tell you.
117 min: Of course they sky it high over the bar instead of providing a threatening cross. It's been that sort of game really: all the action in the middle of the park, but both teams faltering in the box, much like Likely Lad's sad attempt at a sex life.
119 min: Penalties looming. Both goalies are taking their time with the goal kicks, and I wish Chris Mannix were here.
119 min: THE BAND IS ON THE FIELD, THE BAND IS ON THE FIELD! Unfuckingbelievable. Heartbreak for the plucky Turks...a quick shot of Vienna shows a fire in the Croat fan section.
120 min + 2: Um.... wow. GOOOOOOOOOOOOL..... Long, speculative ball into the Croat penalty area, and a great volley from Semih on the bounce finds the back of Pletikosa's net. Unbelievable. The bar just erupted... the Croat is crying while the sizable throng of Turk sympathizers get loud and fucking rowdy. Amazing. Bilic yells in the face of the fourth official, adamant that there was a foul, but the goal stands with the last kick of the match. Unbelievable. Fuck you, Mannix, you douche. This is what it's all about.
BEFORE PKs: You have to fancy the blessed Turks on this one. Bilic still hasn't calmed down. Modric steps up for the first PK for Croatia. They shoot first.
PENALTIES
----
MISS! Modric puts it wide right. Recber didn't even need to dive. What a fuck-up for the new Spurs wunderkind. Cro 0-0 Tur
GOAL! Arda makes no mistake. Emphatic. Cro 0-1 Tur
GOAL! Srna makes it. Where was this power on those corner kicks? Cro 1-1 Tur
GOAL! Cool as you like. Equalizer hero Semih blasts it low to the left. Cro 1-2 Tur
MISS! Rakitic puts it wide left. Recber is jubilant. Bilic is stunned. Two huge misses.Cro 1-2 Tur
GOAL! Simple. Hamit Altintop slots it home, low to the left beyond Pletikosa. Cro 1-3 Tur
SAVE! Recber gets a hand to it, low to his left, and Petric is distraught. TURKEY THROUGH ON PENALTIES, 3-1. Amazing finish. The Turks celebrate while Bilic, the bible salesman, tries valiantly to console Kovac and co. Bigus is upset, as his fashionable Croatia for the title pick is ruined. Turkey head on to meet ze Germans in the next round. High fucking drama. Suck a dick, Mannix. You'd have loves this one.
Of course, ESPN cut away from the celebrations to bring us... Sportscenter. They claim to have an interest in the sport, but really.. no post-match analysis? No trip to the soccer studio? I guess PTI is more important, hence the interruption. Fucking sad. Of course Scott Van Pelt cannot put this into words. To their credit, they do lead with the highlights, but it's really a bit of a slap in the face. Fuck you, ESPN.
TURKEY GO ON. CROATIA ARE DEAD. LONG LIVE CROATIA.
Now if you'll excuse us, we're off to keep drinking. Roll on lads! Another good quarter-final in store tomorrow! Thanks for joining us, thanks for the comments, thank you very much. Free beer awaits!
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The Good, The Bad, The WTF: Euro 2008 Edition
This post, my friends is going to be a mess. As long as you know that going in, we'll all be okay. Inside, we will break down each competing country's home and away jersey and file it into the categories Good, Bad and WTF. Pretty simple, huh?
For ease of my poorly HTMLing soul, I will only provide links to each shirt instead of trying to force them all into the Blogger template. Trust me, if you've seen how Blogger can mangle posts by screwing up pictures, this is a good thing.
Onwards and upwards, my friends. Here we go.
Group A
Switzerland Home Away Switzerland wear Puma jerseys. In what will quickly become a theme in this post, Puma jerseys all look cookie-cutter. They have a template, switch colors where necessary, and affix the necessary badges. Boring. What I like about the Swiss shirt is the badge. That kind of artsy rendering of their national association where they also fit in the white cross. However, these are Puma jerseys, so the verdict is:
Home and Away: Bad
Czech Republic Home Away Plain. Boring. Go home. I do like the blue piping on the home shirt, and the Czech badge is one of the more interesting entries, full of history, for those into that. But it is simply not enough to overcome the crappiness of being a Puma shirt.
Home and Away: Bad
Portugal Home Away There is something wrong with the Portugal home shirt. We here at UF could not quite put our finger on it, but we hate it. It could be the wrong hue, or it could just be the too tight fit. We hated it all the same. On the other hand, we were much more sympathetic to the white shirt. It looks a lot better, but, in the end, we found it a little plain.
Home and Away: Bad
Turkey Home Away Now we're talking. It may still be a hangover from their unbelievable victory over the Czechs on Sunday, but these are both very nice shirts. The home shirt can look a little like a 'Boro effort, I'm sure, but it dazzles nonetheless. And that away shirt, my goodness. Two teams made solid use of baby blue accents this tournament, and Turkey is one of them.
Home and Away: Good
Group B
Austria Home Away A mixed bag. Once again, we are stuck with Puma templates, but Austria does something a little right here. It's not in the home shirt, really, though it should rate a "meh" instead of its final grade. The winner here is the away shirt. Menacingly black with a little flag flair thrown in at the collar.
Home: Bad; Away: Good
Croatia Home Away Did we even get to see the all-checkerboard shirt yet? I don't recall. You have to give them respect for sticking with such and irritating-to-the-eyes shirt for all of these years. As for the blue away shirt, man, I don't know. And for that, it perfectly fits the WTF category. Safe to say I would not want to sport either one of these walking around my town.
Home and Away: WTF?
Germany Home Away Poor Germany. Forever saddled with a white shirt that they are not entirely happy with, so they fuck around with it. This year's entry feels unbalanced. Too much black in the striping, not enough red or yellow. At least it keeps us away from the away shirt. Seriously, this is not a look for top tier international football. This is a training top. Even though I kind of like the gold stitching on the black background, I hope they never have to wear it.
Home: Bad; Away: WTF?
Poland Home Away Poland, the home of unattractive football. They never looked good playing in the Euros, and these shirts did not help. Blandest of them all.
Home and Away: Bad
Group C
Romania Home Away Romania's shirts this year felt like a throwback to USA '94. Sadly, the team did not perform in the same manner. The worst part of it all is that they totally rip off the New York Cosmos badge. Anyway, 14 years is too soon to do a throwback jersey. Well, I write that, but I can't hate on the home jersey. I like it.
Home: Good; Away: Bad
France Home Away I am not a fan of the extra crap going across the middle of the French home shirt. They do, however, get credit with me by having their flag pop up inside the adidas stripes on the arms. Throw in that nice, newish badge of the rooster and you have a winner. God help me, I like the garish red away shirt as well. Two winners.
Home and Away: Good
Netherlands Home Away The Dutch are always hard to figure out. They have to use that bright orange which pays homage to a royal family line that no one likes. Sometimes they pull it off, and sometimes it is painful. This tournament, they pulled it off, sometimes. The Dutch were the second team to tastefully use Nike's new baby blue accent by pairing the orange shirt with baby blue socks. And it totally worked. However, when they reverted to orange socks yesterday, it all looked horrible. Also, nice try, but you can't work in your flag on the collar without it looking like you won First Grade attendance medals. As for the away shirt, it divides us. But, I'm the one writing here, and I hate it. So, there you go. We do seem to be unified in liking the cyborg numbering though.
Home: Good, with qualifications; Away: WTF?
Italy Home Away Italy stick with the basics. Once again, this is a Puma top, but it's not quite as bad as the red and white ones. This gets a passing grade for the gold at the neck. The away jersey, though, is run of the mill and boring.
Home: Good; Away: Bad
Group D
Spain Home Away I think we were a bit undecided by these. The home jersey is nothing out of the ordinary, but it works well. That light gold away shirt, though, is rather atrocious. Hopefully, Spain will not be required to trot it out on their way to winning this year's tournament.
Home: Good; Away: WTF?
Russia Home Away These had potential, especially the away shirt, but the execution is off. I am all for integrating you nation's flag into the shirt. I don't like it when doing so means that I have to fill in the blanks for you. The white shirt loses the top stripe of the flag and the red shirt loses the bottom stripe of the flag. Why not go with a blue away shirt so that one can easily make out the flag running across the torso? Nike FAIL.
Home: Bad; Away: WTF?
Greece Home Away Thanks for coming and bringing the same kit from 2004. Did you think that would work? Okay, the sublimated flag print on the away shirt is nice, but no dice.
Home and Away: Bad
Sweden Home Away It's always tough to deal with the Swedish shirts. The combo of yellow and blue is a nice one, but they just use too much yellow sometimes. If only I could get a reason to really like a bunch of yellow Swedish shirts. Oh, here's one. The away shirt is a tough one. In some pictures, it looks black, which would be a bold move, but in others it looks navy, which is kind of boring. Still, since Swedish girls will wear them and get pictured in them, they are both winners.
Home and Away: Good
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Euro 2008 Liveblog: Turkey v. Czech Republic
Here it is. The first last day of the tournament. Yes, Group A gets sorted today, and this is the match that will do the sorting. While Portugal takes it easy against the host Swiss on the other side, Turkey take on the Czechs for the second qualifying spot into the next round.
Before we get to the tale of the tape, a quick look should be taken at our Euro 2008 Pick 'em on ESPN.com. At the top of the group, two users who are definitely not UF writers. For shame, us! El Ninos d'Or and Ballack's Bollocks lead the early charge. If this one of these is you, feel free to gloat in the comments. These two have correctly guessed 11 of the first 16 matches. They are closely followed by a group of six with one less correct. Over the next four days, though, I am confident that Joey Barton's Cellmate will rise to the top of the group.
It seems we can't do a live blog (save one) without highlighting the lovely ladies of the competing countries. Today will be no different. After all, it is Father's Day, and these ladies have fathers, so we have to.
Turkey will go first.
This is Gizem Ozdilli. Besides having a snickerable first name, meh.
And for the Czechs, we have Adriana Karembeu
Yes, please. And she is married to former French footballer Christian Karembeu. So, there's that.
Well, it should be pretty obvious who wins this matchup--the girl from the country I picked to win the whole shebang. Join me after the jump to watch me meltdown as the Czechs fail to advance at the first hurdle.
For bonus fun, you can play "Count the Misspellings" in the comments. With these two teams, I'll be sure to make it worth your while.
Turkey's speculative lineup (4-4-2):
Demirel; Altintop, Gungor, Cetin, Balta; Tuncay, Topal, Aurelio, Turan; Senturk, Nihat (C).
And for the Czechs (4-5-1):
Cech; Grygera, Ujfalusi (C), Rozehnal, Jankulovski; Sionko, Polak, Matejovsky, Galasek, Plasil; Koller.
Referee: Peter Frojdfeldt (Sweden)--the guy who did the UEFA Cup final, again.
Interestingly, this game will go to an immediate penalty shoot-out at the end of full-time if the match is tied.
On to the game.
So, another 4-5-1 for the Czechs. I wonder how long that will hold out?
-1.00 Alright, I've had an obscene amount of coffee, started the wash, have a boxful of doughnut holes next to me and an empty house. As long as the cable and internet hold out, let's have some fun.
0.00 Man, I wanted to see Kazim Kazim today. Also, I wanted to see the blue jerseys.
0.00 Hey Turkey, how about figuring out what shoes you want to wear before kick-off? Blatant time-wasting to let the other game get started first.
0.10 The Czechs waste no time on the kick-off attempting to get a shot on goal. Over and wide, though.
2.00 Free kick from the right for the Czechs. two players wide open on the back post, and. . .nothing.
4.00 The Turks seem to be playing for penalties already. A free kick at midfield is taken by their keeper.
5.30 Yellow Card Turkey get the first yellow as Topal fouls Polak in midfield
8.00 Czech Republic are not afraid to shoot today, though nothing is going on net. I was serious about Turkey playing for penalties. Time-wasting at the back seems to be the order of the day. Maybe since it worked for their good friends the Greeks four years ago?
10.00 Yellow Card Um, I didn't see it. Aurelio CetinAurelio goes into the book for Turkey, possibly for getting his elbows up on a header challenge against Koller. for dissent. Since Koller is so tall, Aurelio gets him in the upper back. The resultant free kick leads to a header over the bar.
14.00 Gungor gets a talking to, Camera cuts away before any card shown.
15.00 The ref, who had such high praise from us before, does not want to see Turkey challenge for high headers, it would seem. Every time a Turk goes for the ball, they are deemed to be fouling the (to be fair, perfectly positioned) Czechs.
16.00 I was correct earlier, Aurelio also got a yellow for dissent. Tuncay shoots wide for the Turks.
17.00 Matejovsky shoots weakly from distance, but on net. Keeper covers it easily.
18.00 Another correction. Cetin was not booked, only Aurelio.
22.00 More attacks from the Czechs, but no finishing touches. Turkey still playing rough.
24.00 Actual attacking possession from Turkey. Comes to nothing as they pass it back to the defense.
25.00 Sionko does not miss by much. Aims for the far, upper corner from outside the box and puts it a foot over.
26.00 Aurelio writhes in pain after a tackle from Rozenhal. Gets up without magic spray.
28.00 Turkey are doing a fabulous job at frustrating the Czechs. The whistles have calmed down and Turkey, though not packing the back, are keeping the Czechs from any good attacking moves.
31.00 For two teams with nothing to play for, the other match sounds pretty exciting. Dammit.
32.00 Another Turk on the ground. This time it is Altintop, who took a ball to the ribs. Get up nancy-boy.
(10 seconds pass, play stops for him)
He did.
33.00 So close. Czechs cross in from the left, Sionko tracks it and the keeper smothers.
34.00 Goal! Fuck yeah, the Czechs score. Koller with a header (who'd a thunk it?) off a cross from Grygera. Turkey, the US feels your pain.
36.00 Nihat's corner forces a nice reaction from Cech as he beats Turan to the ball.
38.00 Matejovsky has to be carried off the pitch and substituted after a collision with Tuncay. It didn't look that bad, but Jarolim comes on anyway.
39.00 The goal has aroused the attacking instincts of the Turks. Czechs on the back foot for now.
42.00 Yep. You can't coach tall. Koller has another shot at goal on a long free kick. At goal, not on goal. Over by six feet.
43.00 The Czechs have their attacking verve back. Koller, like Klose, should not be relied on to shoot with his feet, though.
45.00 Hey look the Tigers might have a winning streak going. The Bottom Line always gets me. 2 minutes extra time.
45.00 +3 (Stealing this) Tweet. Tweet. Tweeeeet. Half time.
Czechs came out as the team wanting to win, and got the goal that might do it. The referee calmed down after 20 minutes or so, so Turkey doesn't have as bad a yellow card problem as they looked to in the first 15. Czechs are down a sub already, and tired second-half legs may fail them yet.
Turkey did show flashes of attacking ability after giving up the goal, but were hanging their heads by the half. We should see a pretty open affair in the second half with only one question to be answered.
How long do Turkey wait to pull the goalie?
Oh, and I'm not watching Foudy, sorry.
Shots 9-5 Czechs, 3-2 on goal. Possession is even.
45.00 Sarioglu on for the Turks, Senturk is off.
46.00 Cech is also very tall. Cleans up on a Turk free kick.
47.00 Turks pressing early. Another couple quick chances for them.
50.00 Czechs are definitely backed in, and looking for counterattacking chances, which aren't materializing.
51.00 Perhaps there is a strong wind? The Turks, attacking the goal the Czechs did in the first half, are all over their opponents. Now for their third corner in four minutes.
52.00 "The Czechs have a lot of defending to do here" No shit. Turkish fans are in full voice as Tuncay gets saved by Cech. It's probably time to take Koller off and get someone who is speedier in there.
54.00 On cue, Koller kills a possession with a poor pass.
55.00 Cech cleans up again. The Czechs are playing with eight in the box right now and it is not enough. Turkey must have had some kick-ass coffee over the break.
57.00 Kazim Kazim (Richards) is in! Topal off for the Turks.
58.00 Altintop with a great ball from the right, right across the six-yard box, but the Turk forwards forgot to make runs.
59.00 Some interesting looking Cech fans in the stands. Gungor is down for the Turks. Gets stretchered off.
61.00 Koller gets a breakaway, and left foots the ball three yards wide. Ouch.
62.00 Goal! Plasil comes in from way over on the left to slide in Sionko's cross. Keeper gets a hand to it, but cannot bat the ball out. 2-0
64.00 For looking so bright coming out of the half, the Turks start to look defeated, deflated and chippy. Turan gets a Yellow Card for Turkey. Turkish coach is well-pissed that he was not allowed to substitute for the injured Gungor before the second goal.
66.00 Linesman needs a new flag, or Cialis.
67.00 Czechs, well aware of the hurting Turkey looks to put on them now, are diving to get foul calls.
68.00 Turks go close after the Czech defense tries the always-ineffective "let's all raise our hands" defense. Cech bails them out with his positioning.
Other Game Swiss go up 1-0.
71.00 ESPN, fucking quit it! I don't care about the other game. Polak off the post as ESPN breaks in with the other score.
Polak paid for it on the rebound, as he got his face scraped with studs trying for the header. He will be the second player playing with a headwrap today.
73.00 Yellow Card Asik (the other head-wrapped guy) takes down Rozenhal who was way forward. Very close to being last man back, too.
75.00 Goal! Arda Turan scores after Altintop's cross from the endline dribbles all the way across the box. Arda goes near post, beating Cech with ease 2-1
77.00 Altintop is playing off of his head on the right side.
78.00 Two more great chances for the Turks come from the right. Can the Czechs hold out? They look spent.
79.00 Turkiye! Turkiye! Turkiye!. This match is pulsating, and the crowd is in full voice. Koller still in. Why?
80.00 Yellow Card Galasek for the Czechs. Kadlec on for Plasil.
Other game Another goal for the Swiss.
82.00 Altintop puts the ball right on Cervi's head from two yards out. Cervi glances it wide. I really like this second half Turk squad.
83.00 It's the Czech squad who have started to hack at their opponents. If Galacek did not already have a card, he would have just earned one.
84.00 Vlcek on for Sionko. Koller to play entire match, die of heart attack afterwards.
85.00 Czechs are completely packed in, but the Turks are getting close.
87.00 Goal!!! Cech fumbles a cross (Altintop, natch) at the six yard box and
Nihat pokes it in. I started this game pulling for the Czechs, but dammit, I cheered.
89.00 HOLY SHIT
GOAL!!! Turkey score again. Nihat onside, Czechs try to claim otherwise. Raised arms don't stop attack. Nihat squeezes the ball under the bar. I'm breathless.
90.00 Four minutes added time.
90.00 +2 Red Card Turkish keeper Demirel sent off after making a hash of a clearance. Punched Koller after the ball was out. No subs left. Tuncay in the net. No penalty kick.
90.00 +4 Yellow Card Ufjalusi, I don't know what it was for, I can't keep up.
90.00 +5 Yellow Card Baros, who isn't even on.
90.00 +5 Full Time Give me some time to breathe before I recap.
That's it. I am a full-on Turk supporter for the rest of this tournament.
Just saw another angle on Nihat's second. Fuck me, that was a great shot.
Well, they started the game as negative as could be, but Turkey showed what it takes to win a game from two down in the second half. Altintop is, by far, my man of the match. He abused Czech Republic's left side for the entire second-half.
I can't help but believe that if Baros was in for Koller in the second half, the speedier player could have finished a counter to make it 3-0 at some point. Simply put, Turkey were pressed forward, and Koller did not have the wheels to put them under pressure.
I don't know if I can watch the US game now. I'm almost emotional at how good this game was.
PR-
Red Card whistled for at 1.30 of added time, game restart at 3.15. Added time was 4 minutes, whistle blown at 5.21.
They did lose some time, but also got called for 2 yellow cards in the same time. I think the ref took all of it into account.
I do agree that some more time was warranted, but the Czechs were no longer on the attack.
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Finally--The group is done, with Turkey joining Portugal in the second round. Turkey will face Croatia, while Portugal are most likely to see Germany (though Poland and Austria both still have a shot).
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Euro Trash Day 5: "90th minute substitution"
Today we saw our first team eliminated from the tournament, a relegation-style scrum played in a monsoon, and even more off field drama from Portugal. Lets recap, after the jump.
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