Sven Will Save Thierry from Sad, Gloomy Barcelona, Promises Sunny Beaches of Manchester

Last week, you might have heard Thierry Henry telling Marca that he wasn't unhappy with Frank Rijkaard's system, just unhappy in general. And while he maintains seeing his daughter just five times in the last eight months has nothing to do with his performance at Barcelona, it would help his performance if he could see her more often.

Wait, what? Oh, and the accountants at Barcelona must be thrilled to learn that the club paid 24 million Euro for someone other than "Henry of Arsenal".

Whatever Titi was trying to say, Citeh boss Sven Goran Ericsson heard him loud and clear. Now Sven's #1 goal for the summer is to save Thierry from the dark cloud of sadness that envelops Camp Nou and to bring him to the City of Manchester Stadium.

This should work out well, because if the movie title is to be believed, the people of Manchester party for 24 hours at a time! And Spain is a sad, sad place – I know this because I have seen Pedro Almodóvar movies and Picasso's "Guernica".

And Henry isn't the only one in a funk at Barcelona. Knocking off Celtic in the Champions League turned out to be rather pyrrhic, with Leonel Messi going down in the first half with a torn thigh muscle again, raising questions about his long-term health. And former wonderboy Ronaldinho missed Thursday's practice and the team's trip to Almeria.

So it comes as surprise that Samuel Eto'o, the one member of the supposed "Magnificent Four" who looked to be the odd man out at the start of the season, is the only one of the quartet of high-priced forwards who's in form. And even he can't be too thrilled about Barça's current slump, which finds them closer to third place Villareal than to the La Liga-leading Real Madrid, after dropping two crucial points in a 2-2 draw at Almeria.

Now Barcelona finds itself seven points behind leaders Real Madrid and just two ahead of surging Villareal.

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About That "Dreaded" Vote of Confidence

The idea that a vote of confidence, the catchall term for any public announcement by a club front office backing its manager, is a kiss of death is one of those soccer clichés, like "a 2-0 lead is the most dangerous lead in soccer" or "Steven Gerrard is a box-to-box midfielder", that fans and pundits repeat often enough that they have been accepted as truth, reality be damned.

I bring this up, because after Newcastle's heartbreaking/hilarious loss to Blackburn on Saturday, chief exec Chris Mort felt compelled to defend the seriously out-of-his-depth Kevin Keegan. And now that the Newcastle front office has publicly given King Kev the dreaded vote of confidence, or DVoC (pronounced dee-vock), conventional soccer wisdom says Keegan's days at Tyneside are numbered. Or are they?

Before we withdraw from our 401(k) and put down a couple of Euros at Betfair, let's look at recent DVoCs in English football, and how soon the axe fell thereafter.

• Jose Mourinho
  DVoC issued: April 20, 2007
  League record at the time of DVoC (W-D-L): 22-6-2
  Left club by mutual consent on: September 20, 2007
  League record after DVoC (W-D-L): 5-7-2 (2-5-1 to finish 2006-07, 3-2-1 in 2007-08)
  Period of Dread: 153 days




• Martin Jol
  DVoC issued: August 21, 2007
  League record at the time of DVoC (W-D-L): 1-0-2
  Sacked on: October 26, 2007
  League record after DVoC (W-D-L): 0-3-3
  Period of Dread: 66 days




• Chris Hutchings
  DVoC issued: November 1, 2007
  League record at the time of DVoC (W-D-L): 2-2-7
  Sacked on: November 5, 2007
  League record after DVoC (W-D-L): 0-0-1
  Period of Dread: 4 days




• Steve McClaren
  DVoC issued: October 18, 2007
  Sacked on: November 22, 2007
  Period of Dread: 35 days




• Sam Allardyce
  DVoC issued: November 26, 2007
  League record at the time of DVoC (W-D-L): 5-3-5
  Sacked on: January 9, 2008
  League record after DVoC (W-D-L): 1-3-5
  Period of Dread: 44

Also of note, poor Sammy Lee didn't even get the benefit of the DVoC before being fired 14 matches into his Bolton stint, and two managers besides Keegan are currently serving Periods of Dread: Gareth Southgate, who received his DVoC on November 13, 2007, and Rafael Benitez, who got his on January 26, 2008. However, Middlesbrough has since lifted itself out of the drop zone, while the ownership is so unpopular that the supporters will throw a shit fit if Benitez is sacked for anything less than going Joey Barton on small Liverpudlian children.

The problem with using the DVoC as any sort of indicator or catalyst is that DVoC only comes at a time of crisis, perceived or real. It's not like Glazer needs to reassure Manchester United supporters that he's 100% behind Fergie. If a situation is bad enough that it warrants a DVoC, a firing is inevitable - the public show of backing merely gives the manager more rope with which to hang himself.

Then again, the DVoC might be significant for its effect on the team's mentality. If a situation is bad enough to require a DVoC, it's either horrible beyond repair or a temporary slump. If it's the former, there's no use keeping the manager around. If it's the latter, it reinforces the sense of crisis but still maintains the status quo, i.e. "The roof is leaking but we're going to keep the it exactly the way it is." At that point, it's probably better to give an ultimatum, or better yet, fire the guy and put him out of his misery.

My prediction? Newcastle will find itself in relegation zone and Keegan will make it to mid-April. Dennis Wise is handed the caretaker role to finish the season, and survive the drop on the final weekend.

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Red Bull Gives You Sprains!

(Photo: "Crushed" by Kevin Steele)

Red Bull New York is currently on tour in Austria, visiting the parent company's headquarters in Saltzburg, and played a friendly Monday afternoon against the reserve team of its sister club, Red Bull Salzburg Juniors in what the organizers figured would be a spirited kickaround between corporate brothers in arm.

But they get that Red Bull in them and they get all antsy in the pantsy. Jack Bell of the New York Times, who traveled with the club characterized the match was chippy and ill-tempered, and RBNY speedster Dane Richards had to leave with a sprained MCL.

So it was a good thing we could count on New York captain Claudio Reyna to be diplomatic and even-keeled:

They’re diving cheats,” Reyna said, not mincing words. “The referee lost control, and I told him in German that he had to do a better job. For us, it was really just an exercise and the object was not to get injured. We were just trying to get a game and they were playing like it’s the World Cup.

Nevermind.

Michael Lewis of the Daily News got more quotes from Reyna and other members of the New Jersey contingent.

Salzburg beat New York 1-0, but obviously, the big concern for RBNY is the loss of Richards, who is about the team's only source of speed on the right, uh, wiiiing. The club hasn't announced a prognosis, but he will most likely miss the April 5 season opener against Columbus. Kinda makes me glad Jozy Altidore was allowed to skip the Austria trip to prepare for Olympic qualifiers.

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Ronaldinho Now Going Door to Door

Remember Ronaldinho? The guy who was the hot shit in all of soccer before Kaka and Messi came and took his mojo? Well, he's back! He might only be the fourth-choice forward at Nou Camp, but he's #1 in the eyes of the folks at Amway Corporation, who signed up Ronnie to endorse Nutrilite, its non-FDA approved nutritional supplement brand.

You can watch his new commercial, which looks suspiciously like the old Nike Freestyle spot, except without the Afrika Bambaata-scored beats, Savion Glover's choreography or, you know, the general awesomeness that comes from not being affiliated with Amway.

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OMG, ROTFGAB*

*That would be "rolling on the floor getting ass beat", which is how Benjamin Evans, a former soccer camp coach in Ambler, PA will be spending most of his next 3.5 to 7 years, after he was found guilty of soliciting oral sex to a 13-year-old player he met at the camp via text messaging.

From the report:

Authorities were alerted to the situation when the girl and her parents went to the Horsham police on Aug. 6 to report that an adult coach at the girl's soccer camp had been sending sexually explicit text messages to the girl and attempting to meet with her for sexual purposes, according to the criminal complaint.

This was the second year the girl came into contact with Evans at a soccer camp that was held on the grounds of Temple University's Ambler campus, according to the complaint. The pair had several text message conversations in 2006 but those exchanges stopped when the girl's mother learned of them.

On Aug. 2, 2007, the last day of camp she attended last year, Evans again began texting her, the complaint said. He suggested having oral sex with her, adding that she would receive a $100 allowance if she was skilled, the complaint said.

Yikes. All sarcasm aside, I really am glad this guy's off the street and registered a sex offender.

He was arrested the way these guys always seem to get caught, driving himself to a sting thinking he'd get some action (should've driven to Switzerland instead). Evans reportedly told the police, "this was the stupidest thing that I ever did," to which we say, "No shit." I mean, text message? If you're going to do suggest doing something illegal, why would you use a method that leaves the record of everything you say, and can be easily read by other people, say, parents who pay the bills?

My sympathy of course is with the victim, who has had to go through a terrifying ordeal, having had entire text message conversations read out for the entire courtroom to hear. The poor girl.

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A Slight Stench of a Fix in Japan

At first glance, this weekend's Xerox Super Cup, the curtain raiser for the J-League season in Japan, seems to have been a case of a card-happy referee gone wild. Emperor's Cup winner Hiroshima San Frecce defeated J-League champion Kashima Antlers in a match that featured seven yellow cards, three red cards, a dubious penalty, retakes in the shootout and a pitch invasion.

But Ken Matsushima of The Rising Sun News doesn't think it's bad officiating. He suggests, no, he's convinced that a fix was in. Why? Because he knew the scoreline before the match. Hours before the kickoff, he posted on the message board:

Two possibilities -- a blowout win for the Antlers, or a nailbiter that might even go to PKs
Ill go with the latter. 2-2 in regulation time.

He goes on to explain, "From what I’ve heard, there have been some very large bets in Hong Kong on that score line."

The referee, Masaaki Iemoto has a reputation for being card-happy and being easily rattled. In fact, he developed such a reputation for poor officiating that in late 2006, Japan Football Association actually suspended him and sent him to Hong Kong for retraining.

Now, I'd normally dismiss suggestions of corruption in a case like this - they tend to come from sourgrapey homers or conspiracy theorists who can't fathom that a less talented team can beat a better team on any given day (in this case, the freshly relegated San Frecce knocking off the champs). A 2-2 result would be pretty hard to arrange, and the referee did send off players from both sides. Once you get to penalty kicks, it's a total crap shoot.

But it's not some internet John Doe running his mouth. Matsushima is the author of the one of the widely read English language sites on Japanese soccer, and he didn't just take a wild guess. If we are to take his word (and I don't see why we wouldn't), he knew that it would either be a clean match or a 2-2 draw ending in penalties. That's more than a little freaky.

We're obviously keeping our eye out to see anything comes out of the gambling angle, but in the meantime, enjoy these highlights from Iemoto's officiating career:

In this clip, you'll see the forward lose his balance in the penalty area. Iemoto awards a penalty and books the defender for... something.

Apparently, the #2 in white committed a bookable offense. Try to see exactly what he did, because I can't tell.

A Kawasaki goal against Urawa is disallowed for.. huh?

Later in the same match, the Kawasaki striker (#27) accidentally kicks the Urawa goalkeeper (in blue). The goalkeeper and his teammate attack the Kawasaki striker while he is on the ground, so naturally, the Kawasaki player is sent off while a yellow card is given to the goalkeeper.

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Counterpoint: These Are Not the Dives You Are Looking For

One of my favorite books about contemporary culture and media is The Culture of Fear by Barry Glassner. The conceit of the book isn't that unique - Americans are made to feel paranoid by the sensationalist media and opportunistic politicians who push non-problems and non-issues to the public. But he's masterful in debunking myths about road rage, date rape drugs, and welfare queens, and gets to the mechanics of manufacturing fear.

I bring this up because whenever I hear people complain about diving in soccer, I'm reminded of The Culture of Fear. Simply put, diving isn't an problem in soccer (well, at least in the Premier League, any way), and hearing people whine about its pervasiveness is more annoying than watching Cristiano Ronaldo appeal for a penalty.

This isn't to say that diving never happens. Couple of years ago, Drogba was forced to backtrack when his "Sometimes I dive, sometimes I stand" comment caused an entire nation to gasp and cry out "Well, I never!" in unison. Nor am I suggesting that it's a natural part of the game (so you can put that strawman away). All I'm saying is, yes, it happens, it affects results, and it sucks. But over the course of the season, the amount of diving is simply not enough to tilt results in any significant way.

Maybe it's because I'm a Moneyball disciple and everything can be quantified if you look for the right numbers, but I'm not willing to believe diving is a problem until I see evidence that it is. I'm more willing to believe that diving is a phenomenon is a classic Culture of Fear non-trend, a "man bites dog" story that has the illusion of being an increasing trend (not to mention the barely hidden xenophobia that rears its head when people decide diving is a pervasive problem).

On the "Great List of Something We Must Do Something About Right Now or We're Doomed, Doomed", diving ranks somewhere between the quality of the pitch at Wigan's JJB Stadium and those new orange Nike Vapors that the kids are wearing these days.

Which is all a very long-winded way of saying, revamping the video review system to catch divers and shame them is silly, if not necessarily wrong or evil. In fact, it's similar to the system the Football Association already has. A video review panel that reviews incidents that weren't dealt with by the referee, so it's not like we're being technophobic here. And simulation is a punishable offense - remember the Tal Ben Haim case from a couple of years back? And except in the most blatant of cases, video evidence is rarely conclusive. If a guy going full speed gets tapped on the heel, he's going to go flying.

The only difference between what my colleague proposes and the current system is that under his suggestion, the panel reviews every incident from every match, whether anyone asks or not. That's nice, but to what effect? Believe it or not, matches are already televised, so I'm not sure if players are that worried about being publicly shamed. And players who do develop reputations for diving become the boy who cried wolf. Which is to say, any effect the added video review won't be worth the trouble.

And curbing diving will somehow prevent incidents like Martin Taylor's tackle on Eduardo da Silva? Are you kidding me? That tackle happens whether or not there's a culture of diving in the Premier League. It's what happens when a slower, less skilled player tries to stop a quicker, skillful player by any means. Taylor knew he would get at least a yellow when he went into the tackle - that was just a professional foul (hey, that's kinda like the name of our blog!) gone very, very wrong.

And, the referee isn't going to have trouble recognizing intentional fouls just because he's watched too many players take a dive, and decided, fool me twice, they won't get fooled again.

The Eduardo incident wasn't about refereeing. It was about recklessness condoned, and too often celebrated, as tough defending. As World Soccer's Gavin Hamilton points out, that's a far more pressing issue than the mythical foreign hordes landing on English shores and flopping all about the pitch. The only gripe I have with FA's current disciplinary system is that there is no sliding scale for suspensions, and how dangerous, career-threatening plays are treated as harshly as harmless displays of petulance.

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There Were Ten in the Bed and the Little One Said "I'm only 15!"

To catch a predator, start with one of these guys.

Micah Richards has nothing on the lads at FC Thun of Switzerland, those wholesome looking young men pictured above. Whereas Micah only brought one of his mates to the public restroom and everyone else had to watch his sexual exploits via grainy mobile phone video, ten men, including seven members of FC Thun, churned the butter with a Swiss milk maid.

We'd simply file this one away as a run of the mill MMMMMMMMMMF orgy, except the "F" in that equation was 15 years old at the time (the age of consent in Switzerland is 16).

Seven current or former players with the Swiss first-division side still must answer in court in the case that caused an uproar in Switzerland when arrests were made last year. Three other individuals are accused of having had sexual relations with the then 15-year-old girl.

One other player has already admitted to French kissing the minor and paid a fine.

Now, as far as we can tell, there's no evidence that these 10 dudes were mounting her Mont Blanc at the same time, but that's still way too many skewers in the fondue pot for my taste. How bad is the player-to-groupie ratio in Switzerland? Did the girl not have any friends? Did the players ever consider going to the bar?

Though if it's any consolation, at least the boys of FC Thun did it with an actual girl, unlike our old friend Joseph Okoh, who got totally Hansen'd.

BTW, you might remember FC Thun when they were paired with Arsenal in their Champions League group in 2005-06. Because their regular stadium was too small, they played their "home" matches at their rival BSC Young Boys' stadium - Wankdorf Stadium. The jokes keep making themselves.

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Hawaii Six-One: Dynamo Gets Gamba'd, Fate of the Galaxy Not So Terrible

There are more people on the podium than in the stands.

Mea culpa: we here at Unprofessional Foul haven't exactly kept up with the Pan Pacific Championship that concluded late Saturday night. We've been too busy praying for Eduardo da Silva, and honestly, some of us are too old to stay up late watching games broadcast from Hawaii.

Here's what you need to know - Gamba Osaka beat Major League Soccer champion Houston Dynamo 6-1 and Beckham took his shirt off.

To be fair, the kids at Center Holds It contend that Dynamo doesn't come off looking that bad, and Soccernet's Andrea Canales saw some promise in the Galaxatives' play over the two matches.

Hawaii didn't acquit itself well as a host though, and the future editions of the tournament will probably be held elsewhere, say, Australia. BTW, if you were Ty Harden, wouldn't you have waited until after the free trip to Hawaii to retire? Then again, if you were Ty Harden, you probably wouldn't retire from soccer to pursue philanthropy.

Still, it's good to see how MLS matches up against other up-and-coming leagues, even if it's preseason, and it's about time had something like this.

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La Liga Roundup: Things Fall Apart in Madrid

February has not been kind to La Liga leaders Real Madrid. Coming into Sunday's meeting with crosstown minnows Getafe, los Merengues had dropped two of three league matches this month, and most recently lost to Roma 2-1 in the Champions League. Surely, they could close the month out with a win and maintain their distance over second place Barcelona. Manager Bernd Schuster certainly thought so, saying on Saturday, "I don't think I'll wake up on Monday morning and find Barca are only two points behind us."

Oops. Seriously, watch this video and laugh in the general direction of Madrid.

Here's what happened:

Arjen Robben thought he had put Real in the lead after 65 minutes but as the Real players started to celebrate referee Arturo Dauden Ibanez ruled that captain Raul Gonzalez was offside before he passed to his Dutch team mate.

Getafe quickly took the ensuing free kick and executed a swift counter-attack against their opponents now under-manned defense.

Franceso Casquero broke free and laid the ball off to Manu Del Moral who, in turn, passed to Ikechuckwu Uche and the Nigerian coolly slotted the ball home with his right foot from 10 metres out.

To go from thinking you're up 1-0, and then moments later finding yourself down 0-1, that's heartbreaking stuff - not exactly watching-your-teammate's-leg-snap disheartening, but pretty damn close.

While the 1-0 scoreline held, Barça took care of Levante 5-1, which meant Schuster did indeed wake up Monday morning with their rivals nipping at his heel.

In a way, the Getafe goal serves as a microcosm of Madrid's recent form. At the beginning of February, Real held a comfortable 9-point lead on Barcelona, but while the leaders stumbled, Barcelona has scraped together a nice run of form to make La Liga a two-horse race again.

Across town from Bernabau, Atlético Madrid is in a similar tailspin, having picked up just one point from the last six matches. Sevilla, meanwhile, is on a hot streak, having won 7 of the last 8 and drawn one, against Barcelona. After a 5-0 thrashing of Zaragoza, they are now just two points behind Atlético for fourth place and the final Champions League spot.

Anyhoo, once again, here's Arjen Robben looking really confused:

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Adriano Escapes Lengthy Ban, Thanks to Zidane and Big Mama

Last time we checked in on Adriano, he was facing a 120- to 540-day ban, which would have lasted the remainder of his loan spell at Sao Paolo, for head-butting an opponent. The Emperor got a reprieve Monday when a tribunal ruled that he used his head to push, not butt, and handed him a two-match ban.

Adriano's lawyers used the totally awesome Zidane headbutt video in his defense, but you know what really helped? His mama.From the report:

Adriano's mother Rosilda, who raised the former Brazil international in one of Rio de Janeiro's toughest neighbourhoods, appealed to the tribunal members for leniency in a television interview shown before the hearing.

Rosilda also baked cookies for the tribunal and promised that the boy's going to get a whooping tonight when he gets home.

Anyway, here's to all the mamas out there:

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Point: Stevie G Should Consider Walking Alone

Even I must admit, this just doesn't look right.

There are rumors coming out of Italy that Inter is planning to bid for Steven Gerrard in the upcoming summer transfer window. What coincidence! Inter just so happens to be Liverpool's opponent in today's Champions League matchup!!! Of course, this is no coincidence, and the rumor is nothing more than typical tabloid tripe.

That's too bad, because Liverpool will be better off without Gerrard.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't think Gerrard is the source of Liverpool's ills, nor do I think getting rid of him would suddenly improve the play - Rafa Benitez is the chief culprit and he has to go, no matter what the Kopites believe. I also recognize that Gerrard has saved Liverpool's skin many a time, and that he and Fernando Torres have carried the club this season.

Gerrard is unquestionably the most talented Liverpool player of this era, and I understand that Istanbul in 2005 wouldn't have happened without Gerrard. But those are precisely the reasons why observers can't see that he's one of the reasons for LFC's current malaise, and that selling him would be a positive step forward.

Now, let's think this the Moneyball way. Does this player bring enough positives to outweigh the negatives, not just in terms of his own play, but the play of the team as a whole? More crucially, can this player's net contributions be replaced by a less costly replacement?

Well, I'm too lazy to pull up the OPTA ratings (and stat-o-phobes would dismiss any statistical analysis out of hand anyway), but Gerrard is not a very efficient player. Yes, he does do a lot with the ball, but that's partly the result of his dominating the ball. Think Allen Iverson - his high scoring is the result of his high-volume shooting. On the other hand, while his long shots and crosses can be deadly, he loses the ball too easily and doesn't put the ball on target often enough.

Contrast his play for Liverpool with his play for England, with whom he has had to share the possession with Frank Lampard and David Beckham.

Also consider his positioning, specifically his unwillingness to track back on defense. He spends most of the match between the halfway line and the opposition 18-yard-box, which is fine when he was partnered with a ball-winning specialist like Momo Sissoko on your side, but when paired with Xabi Alonso or Javier Mascherano, deep-lying midfielders who can initiate attack, his insistence on staying forward either leaves too much space between the midfield and the defense line or stunts the play of his midfield partner.

Simply put, he is, the arsonist and the fireman, as economists like to say. He's hailed as a hero because he comes out at opportune moments and puts out fires (ergo, fireman), but the fires are created partly because of the way he plays (hence, arsonist).

So let's ask the two questions. Does his work as fireman outweigh his damage as arsonist? I'm willing to believe that Gerrard's net contribution is positive, though I'm not completely convinced. Is he so inefficient that his net value could be replaced by a cheaper alternative? Yes, and selling Gerrard would not only free up funds for wages and purchases, but also improve the productivity of his existing teammates.

The last time Stevie G was the subject of serious transfer speculations was in 2005. Two months after he declared, "How could I leave after a night like this?" on the pitch in Istanbul, he rejected a £100,000-a-week offer and announced that he was leaving Liverpool. In retrospect, moving on would have been the best thing for both the club and the player. Liverpool could simply blame the "the money", and rebuild the team around Xabi with the increased transfer kitty, while Gerrard would have learned a great deal from playing in a system that's not built around him.

If the summer of 2005 happens again, Rafa, or whoever replaces him, should wish Stevie luck and thank him for his services to the club, take the offer and quietly thank his lucky stars. It would be the best thing for everybody, whether they know it or not.

And lest anyone forgets their history, let's look back - quick, guess what happened the seasons after the following players were sold abroad: Kevin Keegan to Hamburger SV in 1977, Ian Rush to Juventus in 1987, and John Aldridge to Real Sociedad in 1989? Yup, Liverpool won the League in 1978, 1988 and 1990. The point isn't that selling Gerrard in 2008 will lead to Liverpool winning the Prem in 2009.

No, the point is that no player is bigger than the club and LFC will live on, with or without Stevie. And the club should never let sentimentality get in the way of sensible decision making.

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Trapattoni Gets His Pot of Gold But Little Else

In the late 80s, Englishman Jack Charlton built the Republic of Ireland national team into a respectable side, in large parts with English-born players with a weeeeeee bit of Irish blood (and in Tony Cascarino's case, none at all).

Fast forward to 2008, the Irish have gone English again, this time by hiring Italian coaching veteran Giovanni Trapattoni. Frankly, I don't know what the FAI and its billionaire sugar daddy expect out of him and unlike with Fabio Cappello, who looks to be the right man for England, it's hard to see Trap's reign of Eire ending well.

Whereas the knock on Fab Cap was that, for all his club success, he lacked international experience, the knock on Trapattoni is his international experience, having managed Italy from 2000 to 2004. He brought the worst out of Azurri's defensive tendencies and wasted Del Piero and Totti at their peak.

Trapattoni took over for Italy in 2000, after Dino Zoff took the team within stoppage time of winning Euro 2000, struggled in 2002 World Cup before being bounced out by Korea (deservedly, even if the officiating was shit), and couldn't get out of the group stage at Euro 2004. Considering Marcelo Lippi took over and won the 2006 World Cup, Trapattoni's record as international coach is pretty damning stuff.

His club management in recent years haven't been so hot either. Sure, he won the Bundesliga last year, but that's the Austrian Bundesliga. And he was disappointing as coach of Stuttgart in 2005-06, the same Stuttgart that went on to win the real Bundesliga the very next season.

As for Ireland, they haven't qualified for a major tournament since 2002, and there hasn't been a significant boost to their talent pool since Damien Duff came along. And if Trapattoni couldn't get anywhere with a backline anchored by Maldini and Nesta, I'm not sure what he's going to do with the central defense partnership of Dunne and O'Shea. He says he can help Ireland top Italy for a first place finish in its World Cup qualifying group, but all available evidence suggests he won't.

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Getting to Know: Daisuke Matsui

In a way, Daisuke Matsui of Le Mans in France is the perfect YouTube athlete. He plays in a relatively minor league, getting little TV coverage, so fans have to depend on web clips for the most part. And his bull-in-a-chinashop dribbling and trickiness on the ball give fans have enough material to create YouTube compilations.

Granted, you can make any footballer look like the second coming of Garrincha, but Matsui isn't all stepovers and backheels - he gets results. His goal against Lyon knocked the league leader and defending champions out of the League Cup, while scoring a goal completely against the run of play against Monaco, keeping Le Mans in the hunt for a UEFA Cup place.

I'm pretty sure that my co-bloggers who started this feature meant for it to be a way to introduce the Next Big Things, the starlets who are headed to Madrid and Milan if they're not already there, not some obscure Japanese player at an obscure French club, who's closer to age 30 than 20. But fuck it, rules are made to be broken, and hey, he's my countryman so I'm going to rep him.

There are rumors linking Matsui to Serie A, which would bring him to US viewers via Fox Soccer Channel, for now, YouTube will have to do.

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In Hot Water Over Hotpot Dinner

(Photo by Celie on Flickr)

Yesterday, I made a startling discovery that I, as a Japanese ex-pat, was the only non-whitey in the Unprofessional Foul stable of writers. Well, as my first act in the role of the representative of my people, I will give my co-bloggers a word of advice - never get between an Asian and his hotpot dinner. When the temperature drops, we don't just crave hotpot; we depend on it for survival (sadly, the go-to place in my old neighborhood, Happy Shabu Shabu closed last year - anyone know any decent hotpot/shabu shabu joint in New York?).

I bring this up, because Chinese national women's team coach Elisabeth Loisel is this close to being sacked for ordering her players not to attend a hotpot dinner arranged by Chinese federation officials out of dietary concerns.

According to the Beijing Morning Post, Loisel ordered players not to attend the dinner arranged by Chinese officials because of dietary concerns.

But Chinese officials hit back, over-ruling the hotpot ban and issuing a public rebuke against the Frenchwoman.

"The team's welfare is in the hands of management and not the coach," said Zhang Jianqiang, the manager of the team. "She has no right to interfere."

Damn right. Okay, so she has issues with punctuality and her team has underperformed, but denying her players hotpot? That's cultural oppression of the worst kind. China should seriously consider sending her to a Cultural Revolution-style reeducation camp and set the bitch straight.

Though I have to ask - with players like these, do they really need a coach?

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Premier League Will *Not* Be Welcomed as Liberators

So about that Game 39, the plan to have each Premiership club play a 39th match abroad that was a subject of our point-counterpoint earlier. The supporter outrage was expected and understandable, but turns out, it's also getting chilly receptions in the United States, Asia, and Australia, presumably the three most desirable destinations for the 39th Round.

Oops. You figure when you propose something as explosively touchy as taking matches abroad, the least the Premier League honchos could have done is send out feelers and see how willing the potential hosts were. But the rejection by the Asian Football Confederation should pretty much kill this misguided adventure before it has even left the gate.

The more I think about it, the more I see how ridiculous this idea was from the start. Did PL owners seriously think that Asian leagues, who have a tough enough time fighting for attention with European leagues as it is, would roll out the red carpet? That was about as likely as Michael Dell setting aside space for MacBooks at Dell's mall kiosks because Steve Jobs told him that would sell more Inspirons.
/nerd

You see, the problem in America isn't turning sports fans into soccer fans. No, the challenge now is turning Eurosnobs (and to a similar extent, Mexisnobs) into Major League Soccer fans. The doubleheaders that EPLtalk envisages will only reinforce the league's second fiddle status. Sure, there is a way to use the European leagues to sell the game and the domestic league, but Game 39 is pure football imperialism.

And now Wigan chairman David Whelan reveals the owners weren't unanimous on the plan as the league claimed, but their reservations were pushed aside. Good lord, the Bush Administration parallels just keep coming.

As with globalization in the marketplace, globalization of the sport is a Good Thing, but it's not without its perils. For one thing, this plan does nothing to stem the growing gap between the wealthy and the middle class (see what I mean about the parallels?). The Lutons and the Leeds and the Sheffield Wednesdays won't in any less of a crunch because the Liverpools and the Chelseas get their millions - trickle down economy is only slightly less bullshit in soccer than it is in real life.

Ultimately, the clubs (not franchises) belong as much to the supporters (not fans) as they do to the owners, and they are part of communities, rather than outposts of a national corporation. No offense to Spectator, but this isn't nostalgia; this is the essence of English football in 2008. And whatever the merits of this plan, pushing a plan without bothering to gauge the reaction from supporters and host countries was a stupid, stupid mistake.

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Won't Someone Please Think of the Children?

Did you know? During month's National Soccer Coaches Association of America convention in Baltimore (all in the game yo, all in the game), coaching rejects Steve McClaren and Gerard Houllier were somehow allowed to train our very impressionable college soccer players.

Sheesh, of all the people to give pointers. In McClaren, you have a gaffer who couldn't strategize his way up a buffet line, and in Ged, you have a guy who would draw up tactics to work his way up a buffet line and come away satisfied with a bowl of rice.*

What can I say, kids? If soccer's your career choice, then don't stay in school. Such is the dearth of coaching minds in college soccer that men like McClaren and Houllier are sought for wisdom. Seriously, get out while you can! If you can't cut it in MLS, learn Norwegian and get on the next plane to Europe. Anywhere but NCAA soccer!

*In fairness to Houllier, he's actually a very good tactician and his time at Liverpool was more positive than not. It's just that his conservative tactics made the inability to meet unreasonable expectations even more depressing. But once you get past his well-publicized and expensive busts like Diouf, his transfer record's certainly no worse than Rafa's - after all, he bought the players who would form the backbone of the 2001 treble team and the 2005 Champions Cup winners, not to mention nurturing Gerrard and selling Fowler for 11 million pounds.

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Sam Allardyce Is Your Delusional Ex-Girlfriend

Joining Steve McClaren in his Recently Dumped Delusional Managers Club is Big Sam Allardyce. Oh, just look at Sam babble away to Steve, Carrie and Miranda about how Newcastle wasn't big enough for him. "it didn't live up to my ambitions in the short time that I was there," said Sam as he gestured to the bartender to refill his martini glass, "And because it didn't do that the club missed a chance to realise its own ambitions."

And look, that's my head exploding!

Seriously, I haven't seen this much logical acrobatics since the Japanese justice minister argued that Europeans don't execute criminals because they don't value life.

Wait, there's more! "The more I analyse it, the more I come to the conclusion that it was never about me or results," continued Sam as Steve, Carrie and Miranda tried their awkward best to keep a straight face.

Oh, Sam. He's going to have one hell of a headache when he wakes up.

Image from Kick n Rush

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Subj: DEAR EPL CLUBS, DRIVE HER WILD WITH A LONGER, DEEPER BENCH

If you've ever played the highly addictive Football Manager, you probably quickly learned the following:

1. It kills your social life
2. It's scary good at predicting super stars (playing as Tottenham, I picked up Bojan from Barcelona's youth team before I had ever heard of him after a scout recommended him)
3. It's annoying playing English clubs since you can only select 5 subs instead of the 7 that's the norm on the continent.

Well, rejoice, because #3 is about to change - English Premier League clubs will be able to name seven substitutes in league matches next season.

This is great news for the Arsènes and the Avrams and the Alexes who will have to make fewer tough choices come selection time, but surely smaller clubs will benefit too. As the rules are currently, you have to sacrifice tactical flexibility for emergency situations, or vice versa. 1 goalkeepers + 4 field players are simply not enough to provide cover for your starters.

The rule change, however, won't do much for your social life of the Football Manager addict. For that, you'll have to go cold turkey. Believe me, I've hit rock bottom once and I'm never going back, if I can help it.

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Football Fashion Week 2008

You might not have noticed, but 2008 is an even-numbered year, and you know what that means, right? Your national team is getting new uniforms! And the past week being the first FIFA international date of the year, we got to see what national teams will be wearing from now through 2009. Let's take it manufacturer by manufacturer.

Puma: Thanks to its African strategy, you've already seen Puma's 2008 designs at the African Cup of Nations. The look is pretty plain - you've seen one, you've seen them all, just different colors filling the template. The only one of note, Italy (top), has gone with a lighter shade of blue than the previous, World Cup winning model. Not terribly exciting or off-template, but I'm glad they did away with the gold numbering - one of the shittier uniform trends of the past few years, I think.

Umbro: The recent Nike acquisition does this thing with England, where the white home jerseys are released in odd years while the alternate red jerseys are released in even years. They figure the home whites would be big sellers no matter when, but they can capitalize on the build-up to a major tournament like the Euro or World Cup to sell the less popular red jerseys. Which is fine, except of course, England's missing out on Euro 08. That doesn't stop Umbro from releasing the new red shirts, which England wore for Fab Cap's England managerial debut.

I have a feeling opinions will be split over the shoulder stripes but I for one like it. It's reminiscent of the old Admiral kits (sans exposed thunder thighs). Extra points for doing away with gold numbers.

adidas: Can't say I was a huge fan of adidas's 2006 look, since they tended to be a little too busy visually, so it's nice to see they've gone with a simpler, but still modern design.
Take Japan, for example. The 2006 unis on the left had stripes in all directions on a purple-blue base. The 2008 design stripped it down completely, going with a calmer shade of blue, and a slight touch of yellow for accent. I approve.

Germany's 2006 uniform wasn't all that bad, and I'm not sure if the new design is an improvement. I do like the emphasis on black, and how the front number fits inside the chest design - there's something Bauhaus-ish about it.

Though the most notable change for adidas in this cycle isn't the design template, but the uniform colors. It used to be that you didn't fuck with national team colors too much, even the away colors, where you'd see more varieties at the club level. But France, which usually wears all-white when not wearing blue, has come out with a red away kit.

For the same reason the Giants look silly in their red alternates, it doesn't look right for Les Bleus to wear rouge.

What does work better is Spain's new gold away kit, a departure from their usual all-white alternate. Looks downright regal, I say.


Nike: Last, and possibly least, the evil empire. Their 2006 range was actually pretty well designed, going for classic looks than the post-modern adidas range. They stayed with the plain look, so while there's not much to like, there isn't much to get excited about either.


As you can see with Brazil, there isn't a huge change, though I'll miss the Madras collars on the 2006 design. USA went through a more dramatic change, and I think it's a step down.
The vertical stripes gave the USMNT a unique look without getting too tacky. The new design is just too.... blah. Finally, Netherlands made a major change in their away kit, ditching the quasi-retro white with diagonal stripes, and going with a quasi-retro light blue with horizontal stripes.
It's not a bad look at all, and probably the most streetwear-worthy of all the new releases.

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