Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Damn It Feels Good to be Joey Barton

Bushwick Bill, formerly of Geto Boys (below)

Ousmane Dabo, formerly of Manchester City (right)

Pick out the Barton victim from the two...

In a stunning development this morning, a professional football player was, for reasons financial and competitive, allowed to keep his place in a team despite a recent assault conviction and subsequent incarceration.

Going against the bedrock moralistic and global tradition of treating pro athletes the same as your average work-a-day hump, Newcastle United Football Club have reinstated Joey Barton. The McDonald's Mauler was let go on a free transfer from Strangeways prison on Monday.

Newcastle officials and owner Mike Ashley had entertained thoughts of letting Barton leave, releasing, or selling him, but were ultimately made to understand that the midfielder was owed another chance, along with £65,000 per week (unless they were willing to sell him at a 50% loss.)

So now with the provision that he limit his ass-baring antics to one, 90-minute period each matchday, and not beat his teammates to near blindness during training, Barton will carry on his delightfully entertaining career with the Geordies and King Kev.

All smiles then, it would seem, but for the corporate crypto-fascists at Nike HQ in Cambodia, Oregon. Those tree-hugging babykillers have ditched young Joey, cutting him off from a lifeblood £40,000 per annum, or less than 2/3 what NFC pays him every seven days.


The Fan's Attic said...

Don't forget, Nike was the company who came up with the Air Stab, which I just happened to see at the Factory Outlet this weekend. Guess they have to do something with those shoes they pulled from the shelves in the UK.

Sarah said...

Hey, that's kind of how my eyes look at the moment! I can sympathize, it's pretty painful. I, however, had surgery, not a run-in with Joey Barton. So maybe I can't sympathize.

He's quite a stand-up guy, huh.