This Is Somehow Howard Webb's Fault

Sure this took place in Malawi but this screw up is so monumental, that we're not entirely sure we can be certain it doesn't contain Webb's fingerprints. Plus it involves penalties.

Last week the MTL Wanderers beat ESCOM United 4-2 to win the Bingu Wa Mutharika Cup.

Seems straightforward enough right? Outscore the other team, win the Cup. That's how soccer works.

Oh silly reader. How little you know about Malawian football.

At the end of regulation, the two teams were tied 1-1. But, regulation was only 80 minutes, which, as this match recap points out, is totally copacetic in soccer provided both teams agree to it ahead of time (although said recap never states whether it was indeed agreed to ahead of time).

So the whistle blows and the teams are tied. The two teams go to penalties to settle the matter of the cup.

After four kicks, Escom had converted one and had three saved.

After three kicks, SF MTL had converted two and missed one.

Before MTL Wanderers took their fourth penalty referee Webb Verson Lwanja blew the whistle and handed MTL Wanderers the trophy. Thus marking the first time United was ever screwed by a referee's decision. Zing!

Bet anything Lwanja was also the kid in middle school who said in math class, "When am I ever going to need to use this in real life?" Turns out it's probably integral to his job as, according to this page on World Referee, he's also the head of Malawi's Referee Association

Do some maths. If ESCOM United save the MTL Wanderers remaining two kicks and convert their remaining penalty, we're looking at being level 2-2 after five kicks... unless they also agreed to shorten penalties the way they may (or may not) have agreed to shorten the match (which they didn't).

The linked piece also points out that ESCOM didn't protest the decision at the time, speculating, "possibly because the President of the Republic of Malawi was in attendance." The President is Bingu Wa Mutharika, the guy whose name is on the cup.

So when heads of state for whom a competition is named are around, referees are allowed to rob you of titles because of poor math skills? Man, African laws are confusing.

But the gift of this story doesn't stop giving. Enjoy some meta-irony courtesy of whoever wrote the recap in question.

Had the ref not erroneously stopped the penalty shoot-out, assuming MTL Wanderers missed their 4th untaken penalty, ESCOM United scored their remaining untaken penalty (5th penalty) and MTL Wanderers also missed their 5th untaken penalty, the two teams would have scored 3 out of 5 penalties each and the total score would have been 4-4 (including 1-1 regular time scores) which would have resulted into sudden death penalty shoot-out.

Is there anyone on the continent of Africa who can do simple addition? As was pointed out above, given the events as originally described the two teams would have each converted 2 of the 5 penalty kicks.

Anyway, Lwanja, by his own account, didn't screw up at all. "The ref told the media that he stopped the penalty shoot-out because of impending darkness. The same ref told the media that after ESCOM United had missed three of their four taken penalties he assumed (yes assumed) that they would not score the fifth one and therefore had no choice but to blow the final whistle."

And that's really what a good official ought to do, look at the teams, make a few assumptions, declare a winner, and let everyone get on with their day. Really, what other choice does he have? If you want to go back to the well, another Webb joke pretty much writes itself here.

The impending-darkness defense does make some sense in terms of the shortened game (if it had been shortened to accomodate remaining daylight) but that doesn't excuse just handing one team the win. Plus, this picture of Kamuzu Stadium, where the match was played indicates that the ground has lights, which would make "impending darkness" more or less irrelevant. Maybe Lwanja is from Endor.

Anyway, with the "win", MTL pocketed 10,000,000 MKW (Malawian Kwacha), about $71,000. And Verson Lwanja won the chance to officiate the FA Cup final.

Too bad he'll have to hope it's postponed for six months. That's the ban he was handed yesterday for his colossal mistake.

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Babies Having Babies

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and assuredly there will be some babymaking going on, or at the very least the act of and not necessarily actual babymaking. What's that have to do with soccer? Besides soccer being sexy and a good metaphor for a sex life because it often ends in scores of 1-0, it has to do with this young, very young, Manchester United fan who just became a father.

As seen in The Sun, Alfie Patten is a proud new father. Congratulations are in order because Alfie has managed to fertilize an egg before he grew hair down there. The boy is only 13!! Which means he was probably twelve when this all went down. The mother is 15.

I implore you to look at the photos The Sun has, it shocks the mind. Although, it only figures a ManU fan could be so foolish.

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China's Joey Barton

Say ni hao to the Asian Joey Barton. I know, you all have been diligently searching, praying and hoping for this discovery. His name, Mao Jianqing of course. I guess he's known as the badboy of Chinese soccer. Not sure if that means he's terrible at soccer or just a Joey Barton wannabe, but that is beside the point. Dude's stone cold without remorse.

Mao's team, Shanghai Shenhua, recently just lost its Chinese Super League Title bid on Sunday, and early Monday morning Mao took out his frustration. Very early. Like 4:50 a.m. It is alleged that Mao and a friend beat up some young guy named Xu greeted one of Mao's female friends who was Xu's former colleague. Mao didn't take kindly to this and told him to step off or something like that and then was attacked in a manly manner. Mao and his accomplices, a teammate and former pro basketball player, proceeded to throw dishes and an ashtray at Xu. Awesome! (That's Mao in the photo heading to jail and Xu's injuries in the inset).

This isn't Mao's first rodeo either. According to the report, Mao kicked a fan at the U-17 World Championships and struck a referee at the U-19 World Championships. So he's a bit of Eric Cantona too. Nice.

Realizing that they may have made a mistake, Mao tried to pay off Xu to not go to the cops. Xu said eff you, but then tried unsuccessfully to extort even more money out of Mao later.

Mao and friends have been arrested, fined and will spend 7 days in a Chinese jail. As Jack Bauer knows, that ain't no country club.

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Respect? Leave it out Ref!

Last Sunday's Charity Shield between Portsmouth and Manchester United saw the start of a new FA initiative in England called "Respect the Ref!" The initiative is designed to help all those busybody, math teacher types that like to exert their authority on the field behind the pub on a Sunday morning. OK, maybe I need to read about the FA's new program myself!

Apparently out-of-shape hoofers in Huddersfield, hammer-toed Henry wannabes and Rochdale's population of rotund Ronaldos are not being very nice to the officials!

According to the FA, showing a yellow card should not warrant a punch in the face or a mouthful from some gobby chav who thinks he is the next Fernando Torres. Bigus used to aim for the realistic, imagining he was Peter Thorne, what?.. He scores goals! Lot's of em actually, just in League 2!

If you click here I will transport you to the wonderful world of 'respect' (or stay here and I'll tell you about it! Stay, it's more interesting!), where you can discover the following directives...

- Referee recruitment and retention: By tackling abuse towards match officials, we hope to reduce the stream of referees understandably leaving the game.

- Participation within youth football: Abuse and pressure from the sidelines needs to stop if we are to ensure young children enjoy, stay and progress in the game.

- Coaching and player development: An encouraging and player-centred approach is vital if we are to improve coaching standards - particularly for the key 5-11 age-group. It's simple: better coaches produce better players.

- Safeguarding children: Everyone in football has a duty of care towards children - ensuring they are able to play football in a safe, enjoyable environment free of abuse, bullying and discrimination.

Pretty good stuff, but (there is always one!) the FA have brought these directives to the professional game and that's where it's a bit of a joke.



On Sunday the game was stopped by referee Peter Walton and he summoned the captains of each side over for a chin wag. Part of the new initiative. What a waste of time.

Do we really need these stoppages in the game? I understand that Sunday morning Silva is watching and taking his lead from the professionals on the pitch but stopping the game every five minutes because you are called a 'prat' or asked to 'open your eyes' is just nuts.

A bit of banter with the ref is impossible to avoid unless, of course, the FA want to remove the passion from the game entirely. So the captains come over, the ref (Walton pictured right) asks them to talk to their players about their 'attitude' and then the captains do this and then we play football again. Jeesh, It's going to drive you nuts this season. You wait and see!

If the FA wants it's ref's to be treated with respect then maybe they should do likewise and make them professional, allowing them to spend the week getting better at their weekend jobs instead of delivering my mail or arresting Asbo yobs in the town center or running failed companies.

Referees hold the hopes and dreams of football supporters everywhere and constantly make dreadful decisions that ruin long days out up and down the country, not to mention stealing valuable points away! The FA needs to recognize this and make Mr Walton and co turn fully professional; then, just maybe, the decisions on the pitch will improve and Mr Clattenberg, Mr Rennie and Mr Poll will no longer be subject to questioning on the existence of their fathers or directed to the nearest optician every week by players and supporters.

Respect? Pah..Earn it!

- Bigus

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