UF Footy Felons Top Trumps: Joey Barton

So we started this series last summer, full of excitement to do so, and proceeded to manage just one before the whole thing fell apart. Some sort of Norwichomon-esque breakdown by yours truly was mostly to blame.

But, we're back, and eager to kickstart it to help pass the offseason. Because if we don't, we might resort to murder in the 1st degree upon hearing fresh Xabi Alonso transfer conjecture.

If you've never played Top Trumps before, check out the original post and this handy link.

Once you're up to speed, hit the jump for our next character in the series. Collect 'em all and have yourselves a good old time!

JOEY BARTON, Midfield (Manchester City, Newcastle United)
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When you think of miscreants in soccer, those whose tremendous ability to destroy usurps their ability to create, your mind invariably settles on Joey Barton, the midfielder who just can't keep himself out of trouble.

At only 26, there's still plenty of time for him to atone for the massive resume of transgressions and foul play, but we all know which direction he'll continue to head.

Forget the fact that when bothered, he can actually play a decent central midfield, reducing any opponent's No. 10 to a quivering pile of fear and self-doubt. It's all about what he does away from the 90 minutes on a weekend (although there are plenty of red cards to be discussed there, if we're honest).

There's the injuring of teammate Ousmane Dabo in training, an act so vicious that the FA actually stepped in to issue charges of violent conduct. There's the Citeh christmas party back in 2004, where his joviality extended to his cigar ending up in the eye of a reserve team player, resulting in permanent scarring.

Or how about the prison sentence for beating the stuffing out of a teenager outside a Liverpool McDonald's?

Or the time he assaulted a 15-year-old Everton fan during a preseason tour to Thailand?

Or his hit-and-run that left a pedestrian with a broken leg?

Essentially, Barton is a man without a nation, a hard man without a haven to protect him. Vinnie Jones could always count on the equally imbalanced charm of the entire Wimbledon squad to deflect too much negative press, while thugs from the 60s and 70s like Batista or Claudio Gentile had the fortune of playing the game in an era where a swift kick to the nuts was allowed, and in some ways quietly encouraged.

After all, if we've learned anything from the rat race mentality, it's that sometimes, you need to use foul means to level the playing field and keep the superstars in check.

Now, in the increasingly sterile modern soccer world, in which physical contact and intent have been regulated and agonized over to such a degree that an ankle tap can get you a red card if done from behind, Joey Barton is all alone, the pariah with the bad attitude and even worse timing, and it's not undeserved in the slightest.

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U.F. Footy Felons Top Trumps - Card One.

Here at Unprofessional Foul we like to think up fun ways for our readers to waste hours and hours consumed in useless pursuits and THAT kind of dedication led me to the creation of the (drum roll) Unprofessional Foul Footy Felons Top Trump game! Get In Bigus!

If you grew up with Top Trumps then you know exactly where this is going. If you didn't? Then click here to see exactly where this is going!

Each week I will issue a UFFFTT card featuring a footballer who has had a brush with the law. Each card will feature stats and once you have collected them all you will have a fabulous new game to play with yer mates, yer mum or good old uncle Frank.

Our Top Trumps are much like the ones you collected as a kid BUT one of our categories is Crime. To beat your opponent with this category, you will need to refer to our Crime Hierarchy Card.

To play UFFFTT, you and your chosen adversary split the pack of cards. To win you call a category. Your value is highest? You win the your opponent's card. The winner continues to select the category until losing a card. Collect all the cards and you are the winner!

To keep the cards just save them and print! Print or mount them on card for the best results. Or use plain old paper and laminate them.

So start collecting here and NOW. Card one is naughty U.S. footballer Roy Lassiter!

U.S footy star Roy Lassiter was arrested in 1995 for Breaking and entering, larceny and fraud. He was issued with a 10-year suspended sentence and served 1 month in jail for his crimes.

Card 2 will be posted next week!

-Bigus

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