Um... wow.

I don't often enjoy being proven wrong, but this is one time where I'm completely fine with it.

Hit the jump for the big scores round-up. Not a bad night for the Home Nations overall, with Wales being the only loser. Scotland bagged a great result away from home, and Northern Ireland did well to hold the Czechs to a goalless draw.



Croatia 1 - Mandzukic 78
England 4 - Walcott 26, Walcott 59, Rooney 63, Walcott 82

FYR Macedonia 1 - Pandev 77 (pen)
Netherlands 2 - Heitinga 47, van der Vaart 59

Finland 3 - Johansson 33, Vayrynen 43, Sjolund 53
Germany 3 - Klose 38, Klose 45, Klose 83

France 2 - Henry 54, Anelka 64
Serbia 1 - no clue who scored it

Iceland 1 - Gudjohnsen 77 (pen)
Scotland 2 - Broadfoot 18, Robson 59

Italy 2 - De Rossi 17, De Rossi 89
Georgia 0

Lithuania 2 - Danilevicius 53, Danilevicius 58
Austria 0

Moldova 1 - Picusciac 1
Israel 2 - Golan 40, Saban 45

Montenegro 0
Rep. of Ireland 0

Northern Ireland 0
Czech Republic 0

Portugal 1 - Nani 40
Denmark 0

Russia 2 - Pavlyuchenko (pen) 22, Pogrebniak 81
Wales 1 - Ledley 67

Spain 2 - Capdevila 8, Villa 17
Armenia 0

Read more on "Um... wow."...

Beware of British Tourists Stealing Your Children

Picture the following, as reported by the Daily Mail: A British couple is on vacation on the Croatian holiday island of Krk (yes, needs a couple of vowels). Just ahead they spot a young child. And then one of them says, "that little girl looks like Madeleine McCann," the world's most famous missing child. The other says, "It does!"

They close in to investigate, snap some pictures from afar, and become more and more convinced that they have indeed finally found little Madeline!

They wait for the right moment, and then they act: the extremely attractive woman who is with the child looks away, and they snatch Madeleine! They're off down the sidewalk, "it's okay Madeleine we've finally saved you!"

And then they realize... this isn't Madeleine. In fact, this isn't a girl, it's a boy. Who looks nothing like Madeleine McCann. Who belongs to a famous Croatian model and Dino Drpic, an international Croatian footballer who plays for Dinamo Zagreb.

Words fail me.



You would have thought that -- for starts -- it might've been a clue that the kid was with his mom, and that his mom was a model!

But, for any British tourists thinking about vacationing in Europe this summer, here's your handy guide:

Madeleine McCann

Not Madeleine McCann
(Dino and Leone Drpic)

Photo of Dino and Leone Drpic from the Daily News, other photos from the Internets.
h/t Cathy

Read more on "Beware of British Tourists Stealing Your Children"...

Euro Eulogy: Croatia

When I did my preview for Croatia, I didn't really think that they had much of a chance after losing Eduardo, despite hyping their darkhorse status. Sometimes I write the opposite of what I think, which is probably a holdover from my dayjob. But Croatia lived up to the hype, upsetting the Germans, and then coming within 15 seconds of making it to the semifinals. Why Slaven is a fucking rockstar, after the jump.



There's not much to say about Croatia on the football side of things. They beat the Germans, generally played inventive, attacking football, and were ultimately undone by a miracle shot at the end of the quarterfinals. Then again, some would say that they deserve their fate after being unable to break down the depleted Turks in normal time. Surely there was some convoluted Balkan grudge going back to the 1300s they could have drawn on, right?

The loss to the Turks didn't just hurt the team, either. A Croatian newspaper enlisted the help of a psychiatrist to help its readers out. The advice:

"The country must look to the future," advised Vlastelica.

"The supporters must think of September when the 2010 World Cup qualifiers begin.

"From now till then it is vital that you don’t disrupt your daily routine, do not stop working and above all do not take tranquilizers."

Bilic himself apparently wanted to quit coaching and go fishing, but apparently he has decided to stay on with the national team through the 2010 World Cup.After all, he can pretty much play any rock club in Zagreb after what went down over the past several weeks. There are probably several chairman in the Premier League who would be willing to allow dodgy earrings and chainsmoking on the touchline. Bilic can probably name his price and get at a job at a medium-big club. The fact that he's staying means we are going to be treated to more amusing press conferences involving Bilic and the English press, as Croatia are drawn in England's qualifying group. In fact, I'm laying odds that Slaven ends up coaching the Three Lions at some point in his career.

In terms of players, Luca Modric gave us glimpses of why he is going to be a huge bust at Shit Heart Lane. He's just too small for the Premiership, and he's going to get kicked to pieces. Although his choke in penalties means he is going to fit in quite nicely with Spurs. Verlan Corluka looked good at right back, and should have that position locked down for Citeh come August. Ivan Klasnic, who had a kidney transplant, is on his way from Werder Bremen to Wigan, and Olic Pranjic, and Petric will all be on clubs' radar screens.

The whole team now must deal with the burden of expectations going into the next World Cup. Expectations can be brutal, as the French showed in this tournament.

Read more on "Euro Eulogy: Croatia"...

Euro Trash Day 14: Wow. Just... Wow.

Holy shit.

Unreal.

Oh my god.

You're kidding me.

You're fucking kidding me.

We leave any out?

Probably. What happened today wasn't unreal. It was completely real. Unexpected, yes—I think Tommy Smyth had even said something like, "Well Turkey are out"—but it totally happened.

And here's the thing. It was actually kind of boring. For 90 minutes, Croatia had, what, two good chances (and you just knew they would pay for missing that sitter that Olic sailed off off the crossbar at about the 18th) that weren't the result of a massive goaltending blunder.

For long stretches of the second half—and we're talking like Mesozoic long—Turkey didn't even look like they were interested in scoring. "Hey, one point for the draw. We'll take it."

Uh, doesn't work that way anymore in the knock-out stages, kids.

So when Turkey's back-up keeper, Rustu, came off his line in the 120th minute for the sole purpose of what looked to be giving Luka Modric the chance to put the ball on Ivan Klasnic's head, Turkey were, ahem, cooked.

And for the second time. Remember how they were eliminated by the Czech Republic in the last game of the group stage?

That's why what happened next was so unbelievable. There shouldn't have even been enough time for it to happen (seriously, where did 74 seconds of stoppage time come from?). But a greedy ball across midfield to a couple of players who were way offside for Croatia gave Turkey the ball and Rustu did what he could, specifically: kick it long and pray.

A head, a bounce, and a Semih Senturk strike later Rustu, and all of Turkey owe one to the supreme being of their choice.

When it went to PK's did anyone think Turkey wouldn't win? Okay, after Modric missed his first kick did those people still not think Turkey would win? (But hey, Spurs, you've got a young player who is already a seasoned choker, nice going).

And if you just saw the highlights, it wouldn't make for a compelling watch. A couple of goals. Two missed PK's and a save. I'm certain of this because it's what SportsCenter led with on the heels of the surreal turned real. Twenty seconds, there's your recap. Now here's some news on Pac-Man Jones. Awesome, huh?

No.

That's the thing about futbol, you have to endure the whole thing for the parts of it to make sense and to matter. You can't just give away the ending. Only after the build-up in the narrative do you care that the chick in The Crying Game is a dude, or that Bruce Willis himself is dead.

Oops. Spoiler alerts. Sorry. Rosebud is also the sled, by the way.

Okay, so long parts of the match were boring, but you can't take a shortcut to get the drama. Sorry, you just can't.

Anyway, Turkey are bulletproof. Yeah, they're down about five players to cards, a couplathree more to injury, so they look dead before they even take the field against die Germans. But, as noted, Turkey have already been eliminated twice and, yet, here they are, one win from a spot in the finals.

I'm guessing they are going to warm up for the semi with soccer balls made of kryptonite.

Read more on "Euro Trash Day 14: Wow. Just... Wow."...

Euro 2008 Liveblog: Croatia v. Turkey

Well, we are here.

Made it in one piece after the abbreviated workday (publishing is kind like that), and now we're roosting on the corner of the bar, prepping for today.

This liveblogging is hard work, especially when you're trying to drink at the same time. Proceedings are fairly sedate for the time being, being the Upper West Side, but it will degenerate come kick-off, of that I am certain.

To reiterate, we're at George Keeley's, on Amsterdam Avenue between 83rd and 84th. If you're out and about, please come and join us. Projection screen and a Golden Tee in front of us, and a fully-stocked bar and amiable bartender behind us.

These two teams have an arseload of history between them. Briefly speaking, they hate each other.

Let's get cracking, shall we?

Starting XIs
---
CROATIA
01 Pletikosa
05 Corluka
04 Kovac
03 Simunic
22 Pranjic
11 Srna
14 Modric
10 Kovac
07 Rakitic
19 Kranjcar
18 Olic

---
TURKEY
01 Rustu
22 Altintop
04 Zan
15 Asik
03 Balta
06 Topal
20 Sarioglu
17 Sanli
14 Turan
18 Kazim-Richards
08 Nihat

---
2.37: Excitement's building in the stands, with the requisite stupid hats and ridiculous face paints. Slaven Bilic was pacing anxiously a minute ago; is this the same useless cunt who spent 4 miserable seasons at West Ham and Everton? He's become quite the managerial god.

2.39: Bigus is on his third pint, and equally anxious as the bar's run out of his favourite beer, Victory Pilsner. He is sticking to his promise of being plastered by 3pm as he coolly cruises through his another full glass of "Doggy Style".

2.40: [He's also anxious because he foolishly picked the Croats to win the whole tournament.] Seriously, he picked a Croatia v. Italy final. Could there be anything worse?

2.44: No-one knew the words to the Turkish national anthem, and now it's Croatia's turn. Bigus notes that the cameraman had to pan down to catch the speechless pint-sized midfielder Luka Modric, who will fit in well at Spurs: he's short and has nothing worthwhile to say.

Kickoff is approaching!

We're also going to switch the times for simplicity's sake.

The stadium staff appear to have changed the colour of the running track to blue, giving the impression of a moat surrounding the pitch. This is presumably to ward off the advancing Turk hordes. It might be the smartest thing they do this entire tournament. My pick: Turkey's winning this one....2-1.

1 min: Turkey starts quickly. They are going for the throat early, but both teams are rushing to assert their tempo.

The bar is also filling up slowly but surely. COME ON DOWN, FOLKS! Beer 2 and I'm gathering steam.

Also, NY Kid: they just ran out of this one beer. Bigus practically fucking lives here. [Is that what married life is really like?]

3 min: Modric takes a shot that's deflected wide. Fatih Terin is yelling at his players.

Bilic looks like a bible salesman in his rather dour outfit choice.

4 min: A good shot by Altintop, only just wide. Croatia surge forward down the left, and the low cross into the 6-yard-box is scrambled away under pressure. Srna's corner amounts to fuck all.

7 min:End-to-end stuff so far. Which makes me happy, because in my Mannix-esque way of thinking, a 0-0 that I hadn't seen coming would be a fucking travesty. I mean, c'mon guys, this sport is fucking terrible when no-one scores a goal, right? Right?

11 min: We're having some technical difficulties [read: Keeley's internet connection is pants], but we're persevering. The beer is definitely helping. Kovac "fouls" Tuncay on the edge of the box, which was disgraceful in Bigus' eyes. Kovac got the ball cleanly, but the ref blew the whistle anyway. Too quick on the draw. Free Kick was taken by Zan which hits Kovac of all people square in the chest. Kovac goes down like a cheap slut.

15 min: Turkey is definitely forcing the issue a lot more, having the lion's share of possession and spending more time in Croatia's half, but their attacks are quite meaningless. Very Michael Moore-esque in that regard.

The Turks are struggling to get the ball up to Nihat, and I for one am so fed up with the 4-5-1 formation that I want to drink the piss of Avram Grant's wife to wash the sour taste out of my mouth.

16 min: Someone comes through the bar trying to sell wooden carvings of various animals. I consider buying the hippopotamus figurine for Bigus Dickus. Then, sense returns and I turn the man away.

Tommy Smyth makes another asinine comment, saying that Croatia is taking longer to settle than they have in previous games. No-one thinks to point out to him that it's only been 18 minutes.

19 min: CROATIA GONE WILD.... almost. Modric takes the throughball down the right, squirting another dangerous low cross along the edge of the 6-yard box. Olic blazes the pass off the underside of the crossbar, and some idiot misses the rebound header with Rustu Recber beaten all ends up.

Olic and Balta are having quite the tussle down the right so far.

Bigus points out that you have to score those. I nod in agreement. Modric pounds the floor in frustration like a small toddler. Perhaps him and the other North London crybaby, William Gallas, should get together and have coffee sometime.

Bigus is well-equipped to make the toddler comparison as he has one of his own. It's worth pointing out that Modric and Bigus' son, Luke, are about the same height and weight.

24 mins: A great match so far. Wide open football from both sides, end-to-end stuff. Cracking to watch. Speaking of cracking, Kranjcar gave us his best Kimbo Slice impression by laying a boot into an unfortunate Turk's face.

Pranjcic is having a field day down the left flank so far. 5 crosses in the last couple of minutes. The Croats are threatening.... goal soon for them, we reckon.

Beer #4.

26 mins: To address all this drunk/passed out talk, I assure you, we're trying our best. Bigus talks at a million words per minute, the beer is catching up to us, and the internet connection is shaky at best. Recipe for disaster!

Also, all you grammar/comprehension ninnies.... fuck off. I'm not on the clock anymore, you bastards!

Bigus thinks I type like old people fuck.... well, his wife told me he fucks like old people fuck. Marital bliss does not reside in the Dickus household, it appears. So sad.

28 min: The bar is filling rapidly, just like my bladder. So many beers! The Turkish right-back needs defending lessons.... people not to ask: Sergio Ramos or the imminent Chelsea FC scapegoat Boswinga.

31 min: Bigus is pleased of this joke: "Arda needs to try 'arder. Getting shrugged off the ball very easily."

I remain unimpressed.

Seriously though, this is a wonder to watch. Memo to SI editors (of course I'm not letting this go): send Chris Mannix to Eastern Europe to watch the Turks play. Perhaps he'll end up in that Hostel place they showed in movies.

32 min: Penfold lookalike Tommy Smyth is pleasuring us with his retarded observations. Bigus is about to smash the television.

Seriously though.... ESPN needs to try harder if they're going to make an honest run at EPL coverage. Tommy Smyth deserves to be homeless.

34 min: Great play from Turkey. Now they're putting all the pressure down the flanks.

No real chances to speak of in the last 10, but at least both teams are showing their cards. Attack, attack, attack. It's glorious.

Also, the 4-5-1 still sucks, regardless if all the cool kids are doing it.

Is anyone still out there?

38 min: It's all Turkey for the moment. Is this scripted? Have the two teams agreed to take 10 minute shifts in attack?

40 min: Cracking shot by Topal leaves Pletikosa at full stretch, but the ball drifts narrowly wide.

41 min: Bigus' 2-line summary of the half: "End-to-end stuff, the Turks lack the passing in the final third, and Croatia look very dangerous down the left, where Pranjic has been raping Altintop blind."

44 min: Discussions about the personal lives of various US Soccer luminaries about. We invited Sunil Gulati to the Kinsale with us [well, I didn't, but I have a friend who's got a connection], but predictably he turned us down. It makes sense, right? US Soccer's chief has better things to do? Maybe we smell bad.

45 min + 1: Wolf-whistles echo in the night air as we're winding down to halftime. Lots of back-and-forth, but only that one meaningful chance to reflect on. Olic should have buried that. You're a striker, you're six yards out, and you scuff the ball onto the crossbar.

Will that end up being a costly miss?

Bigus still picks the Turks "to get basted".

I was hoping his jokes would improve as he got more drunk.

Bigus finally read my comment about his "fucking" "ability", and would like the world, yes, the world, to know that his granddad was a sexual deviant.

This has nothing to do with the match, but he doesn't care!

HALF TIME: Let's address some comments, shall we? To "rape somebody blind"... I think the idea is that you fuck them so hard that they lose their eyesight, although if you google the term "rape blind", you get a disturbingly large number of links to news stories about blind people being raped. It's enough to make me want to stop liveblogging. But I digress. Julie Foudy is in the studio, and I wish I was deaf.

50 min: Thanks to the magic of pre-planning, my laptop battery is going to die in 20 minutes. I blame Bigus.

Croatia come agonizing close to a goal... nice sweeping move forward leads to not one, but two clearances off the goal-line. The match is running past at breakneck speed....Croatia will score soon. We are convinced of this.

Arda gets a yellow for a hipcheck on Sidney Crosby (we have no fucking idea who he knocked down. The volume on the telly is low, and the TV is blurry. Plus some Croat-loving tosser is yelling loudly.

54 min: Corluka is having a tidy game at the back for Croatia. More possession for Modric and co. in midfield as they start to exert the pressure.

57 min: Kranjcar is put through on goal via a neat pass, and his weak shot is smothered easily by Rustu Recber.

Bigus is unimpressed at Niko's finish, but he's not surprised: after all, Kranjcar does play for Portsmouth. He opines further that it's due to him being surrounded by se(a)man for nine months of the year!

Brilliant!

60 min: The talk of the table has been concerned with guessing whether a female patron's chest is real or enhanced. Also, we are trying to figure out why Colin Kazim-Richards also goes by Kazim-Kazim. Nobody has a fucking clue. Nobody knows, nobody knows...

Also, re: Julie Foudy.... would you fuck her? Is she "doable"?

[Beer keeps landing in front of us. It is my pre-constructed excuse for the decline in quality of this liveblog. It gets worse with every second.]

Bigus said he's rather do me. Something about me having nicer hair [I sport a shaven head].

I am panicked by this revelation.

62 min: Anyone still here?

63 min: Another reason for the lack of updates is that there isn't much going on in the second half. The pace has slowed, which is unsurprising considering the electricity of the first 45.

Dare we continue? Bigus just spilled beer on his notebook. He is saddened by this development.

66 min: From the mastermind of Bigus: Croatia are in control now, having cut down on the room and width Turkey were enjoying on the flanks. This sounds almost sensible, to our collective surprise.

He is adamant that Croatia will score in the next 10 minutes. Considering that he's been wrong about everything else to this point, I will reserve judgment.

70 min: Bigus has amended his idea of Croatia scoring in the next 10 minutes. He is confident of extra time.

Immediately upon typing this, Croatia surge forward with a gorgeous 1-2 that results in a scuffed shot miles over the cross bar. He is now convinced again that Croatia are very close to scoring.

73 min:Croatia completely in control. It's been almost 20 minutes since Turkey got into the final third, and they're finding themselves stymied in midfield.

We had a slight hiccup there as my battery died, but we found a power outlet on the ceiling after removing the plug of one of the neon beer signs. I am now blogging almost standing up.

74 min: Corner to Croatia. Lots of pushing and shoving in the box. The ref is not having it. Srna swings it in low and it amounts to nothing. To credit the ref, he's doing well thus far by being largely anonymous.

Another Croat corner whipped in low towards the edge of the 6-yard box, and it's easily cleared.

77 min: ACTION! SWEET ACTION! A sub for Turkey... Topal off, Santurk on. Fatih has finally realized that another striking option is needed, so off comes one of the inept midfielders in lieu of another forward.

Bigus points out that Turkey are not even getting close to the final third, so another striker seems futile unless he's got some Kuyt-esque workrate in him.

To RK5: we're trying our best, but you can only work with what you've got, which in this case is a muted 2nd half and a lot of free pints.

79 min: Foul on the goalie Recber after another shit corner from Srna. Likely Lad: that was funny. Where is that humor in your liveblog efforts?

Recber needs a haircut.

82 min: The Turkish contingent in the stands are trying their hardest to get some life into their side, who have looked quite bland in the second half. Both teams are running out of steam, and Bigus is amazed that Croatia haven't scored a goal yet.

Great, mazy run from Croat sub Petric leads to a free kick at the top of the box.

A huddle has formed around the ball, but it clears and Srna looks like he's taking it.

83 min: Cracking free kick by Srna yields a diving save by Recber at full-stretch. How the fuck did he get on that? The ball was looping and swerving sharp for the top right corner, but Recber keeps his team in it. Magic save. By our count, that's only the fourth or fifth save Recber's had to make.... lots of possession but few clear-cut chances.

85 min: And now... a picture.

Extra time is looming as a Turkish free kick 40 yards out amounts to, yep, you've guessed it, nothing.

Credit the Turks for their resiliency, and seriously, credit to you, the commenters and visitors, who've been making our hard work worth something. Euro '08 has been a blast so far, and we're all eternally grateful for the insight, observations, and lewd notes posted in all these liveblogs.

Please, keep them coming!

88 min: The Croat contingent in the bar is getting rowdy as the side surges forward once again, the sweeping move cut short by another cynical tackle. Corner for Croatia, taken again low and hard by Srna. Note to Bilic: have someone else take the corners. Srna's whipping them in low right into the first Turkish defender. Nothing lofted in whatsoever.

Another dangerous cross from the right forces a great reaction save from Recber. Now the pace is picking up again as they forage in search of an injury-time winner.

90 min + 1: Wolf-whistles again from the crowd as Srna has another free kick 30 yards out and Recber keeps a grip on it. He's keeping Turkey in this one. Not much bite on the free kick this time around, but he does what he's there to do. Which is more than can be said for Petr Cech.

90 min + 3: With surely the last kick of the injury time, Olic has a sharp shot that fizzes just over the bar. He was offside, but who gives a shit?

FULL TIME: Turkey 0, Croatia 0

We're off for another swift round of drinks and a game of darts.

Back in 10.

EXTRAS ARE UNDER WAY.

91 min: The match slowly rumbles back to life, and it appears that several of the Croatian team have used that brief breather to sort their hair out. Simunic's hairstyle looks especially well put together. The side part is quite striking.

93 min: Despite my fondness for the Turks, they're looking a lot like this year's Greece. At least in this game.... lots of time spent defending and passing the ball around without much purpose. It's enough to drive a man to dri--- oh wait, we already are.

Kiss the ring!

94 min: Turkey's getting a bit more possession and starting to find some room to work the ball wide, but the Croatians are very good at closing them down quickly. Turkey are like the mole to Croatia's whacking at this point.

95 min: Pletikosa is forced into his first save for quite a while, getting down low to keep out the hard near post shot.

Bilic has loosened his tie and looks rather rattled.... his calm bible salesman persona is out the window. He now looks and acts like a man who's renounced God and started hitting the whiskey.

97 min: There really is no place like NYC for attractive women with big wobbly butts. Seriously. We just spotted three in the space of a minute, jiggling down the street. Wobble wobble indeed!

The great Croat chance-squanderer Olic is off, replaced by some other c*nt with a five o'clock shadow. It's Klasnic's turn to be wasteful in front of goal.

Still, the beers keep arriving at our table. Anyone in New York: Amsterdam Avenue between 83rd and 84th. The sun is shining, the beer is flowing.... come on down!

100 min: Oh shit, a throw-in. u75: yes, the electricity is free, and the procession of beautiful women who just clocked off work is a joy to behold.

In bar news: some idiot in a brown t-shirt just pissed off his girlfriend, and he's trying the "let me hug you and make it all better" routine. She is unimpressed and keeps shrugging him off. He keeps trying to hug her, and she's visibly upset. He stroked her hair and she was two seconds shy of punching him in the balls. She's now sulking on a stool while he continues to drink, alone at the table they once shared. THIS IS THE BEST DRAMA EVER.

He is wasting more chances to make up than Olic missed shots on the edge of the 6-yard box.

Bigus notes that he still has a chance, as she hasn't left. She's busy pouting. We would care more, except Bigus notes she looks like a Clanger.

At this point, blogging the match is secondary to blogging their argument. We will let you know if he managed to get back in her good books.

He's now stormed off to the bathroom, and she's about to leave. Chivalry is well and truly dead.

104 min: Turkey come close with a chance, but both teams are definitely playing for penalties. Neither side is really making any clear-cut opportunities. Turkey is enjoying the dregs of possession heading into the whistle.

In relationship news: both brown t-shirt guy and Clanger are sitting in silence at their table. I think they're getting a divorce.

Bigus notes if he were in brown t-shirt guy's position, he'd have gotten a divorce a long time ago, as she looks like a skinny girl chewing on a bag of wrenches.

BREAK Turkey 0, Croatia 0. Someone just showed up with an awesome dog! This is high fucking drama!

I am also silently hoping we get to liveblog our first penalty shoot-out of the competition.

Brown t-shirt guy and Clanger are slowly beginning to talk again. Who said world peace isn't possible?

112 min: Klasnic, Olic, computer hitch, son-of-a-bitch. Some tech difficulties there, but we're back. Both teams are pushing wherever they can to try and squeak out a winner, but this has PKs written all over it. Modric made a neat run down the right, but his selfishness dissolved the opportunity.

Clanger and brown t-shirt guy just left....... shame, that. On the other hand, the dog is still here, and it's fucking awesome. [Sorry Q, no picture for you!]

The Croats are surging forward with desperation as the Turks are comfortable heading for penalties.

Man, I wish I had that dog as a pet. It's like a cross between a golden retriever and a lab? I have no clue.

116 min: It's not as nice as Bigus' dog Bailey, I've been instructed at gunpoint to tell you.

Hey look, a scoring chance! Turkey prepare for a free-kick out on the right side.

117 min: Of course they sky it high over the bar instead of providing a threatening cross. It's been that sort of game really: all the action in the middle of the park, but both teams faltering in the box, much like Likely Lad's sad attempt at a sex life.

An ambulance just sped by. Bigus reckons brown t-shirt is laid up on a stretcher in the back suffering from a stab wound.

119 min: Penalties looming. Both goalies are taking their time with the goal kicks, and I wish Chris Mannix were here.

119 min: THE BAND IS ON THE FIELD, THE BAND IS ON THE FIELD! Unfuckingbelievable. Heartbreak for the plucky Turks...a quick shot of Vienna shows a fire in the Croat fan section.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL... cross in from the right, and finally a Croat gets on the end of it. Number 17, Klasnic, the sub nods it into at the near post. Bilic goes fucking apeshit on the sideline like it's a Managers Gone Wild video shoot.

No PKs for us.

Croatia 1, Turkey 0.

120 min + 2: Um.... wow. GOOOOOOOOOOOOL..... Long, speculative ball into the Croat penalty area, and a great volley from Semih on the bounce finds the back of Pletikosa's net. Unbelievable. The bar just erupted... the Croat is crying while the sizable throng of Turk sympathizers get loud and fucking rowdy. Amazing. Bilic yells in the face of the fourth official, adamant that there was a foul, but the goal stands with the last kick of the match. Unbelievable. Fuck you, Mannix, you douche. This is what it's all about.

Croatia 1, Turkey 1.

PKs just around the corner. I cannot believe what just happened. Two goals in 80 seconds to keep the sides deadlocked. Here we go.

BEFORE PKs: You have to fancy the blessed Turks on this one. Bilic still hasn't calmed down. Modric steps up for the first PK for Croatia. They shoot first.

PENALTIES
----
MISS! Modric puts it wide right. Recber didn't even need to dive. What a fuck-up for the new Spurs wunderkind. Cro 0-0 Tur

GOAL! Arda makes no mistake. Emphatic. Cro 0-1 Tur

GOAL! Srna makes it. Where was this power on those corner kicks? Cro 1-1 Tur

GOAL! Cool as you like. Equalizer hero Semih blasts it low to the left. Cro 1-2 Tur

MISS! Rakitic puts it wide left. Recber is jubilant. Bilic is stunned. Two huge misses.Cro 1-2 Tur

GOAL! Simple. Hamit Altintop slots it home, low to the left beyond Pletikosa. Cro 1-3 Tur

SAVE! Recber gets a hand to it, low to his left, and Petric is distraught. TURKEY THROUGH ON PENALTIES, 3-1. Amazing finish. The Turks celebrate while Bilic, the bible salesman, tries valiantly to console Kovac and co. Bigus is upset, as his fashionable Croatia for the title pick is ruined. Turkey head on to meet ze Germans in the next round. High fucking drama. Suck a dick, Mannix. You'd have loves this one.

Srna is devastated... three trainers and Bilic still can't stop the tears. What a finish. Recber is getting laid many times tonight, you can bank on that. Altintop and Fatih are on top off the world. Amazing finish.

Of course, ESPN cut away from the celebrations to bring us... Sportscenter. They claim to have an interest in the sport, but really.. no post-match analysis? No trip to the soccer studio? I guess PTI is more important, hence the interruption. Fucking sad. Of course Scott Van Pelt cannot put this into words. To their credit, they do lead with the highlights, but it's really a bit of a slap in the face. Fuck you, ESPN.

TURKEY GO ON. CROATIA ARE DEAD. LONG LIVE CROATIA.

Now if you'll excuse us, we're off to keep drinking. Roll on lads! Another good quarter-final in store tomorrow! Thanks for joining us, thanks for the comments, thank you very much. Free beer awaits!

Read more on "Euro 2008 Liveblog: Croatia v. Turkey"...

The Good, The Bad, The WTF: Euro 2008 Edition

This post, my friends is going to be a mess. As long as you know that going in, we'll all be okay. Inside, we will break down each competing country's home and away jersey and file it into the categories Good, Bad and WTF. Pretty simple, huh?
For ease of my poorly HTMLing soul, I will only provide links to each shirt instead of trying to force them all into the Blogger template. Trust me, if you've seen how Blogger can mangle posts by screwing up pictures, this is a good thing.

Onwards and upwards, my friends. Here we go.

Group A
Switzerland Home Away Switzerland wear Puma jerseys. In what will quickly become a theme in this post, Puma jerseys all look cookie-cutter. They have a template, switch colors where necessary, and affix the necessary badges. Boring. What I like about the Swiss shirt is the badge. That kind of artsy rendering of their national association where they also fit in the white cross. However, these are Puma jerseys, so the verdict is:
Home and Away: Bad
Czech Republic Home Away Plain. Boring. Go home. I do like the blue piping on the home shirt, and the Czech badge is one of the more interesting entries, full of history, for those into that. But it is simply not enough to overcome the crappiness of being a Puma shirt.
Home and Away: Bad
Portugal Home Away There is something wrong with the Portugal home shirt. We here at UF could not quite put our finger on it, but we hate it. It could be the wrong hue, or it could just be the too tight fit. We hated it all the same. On the other hand, we were much more sympathetic to the white shirt. It looks a lot better, but, in the end, we found it a little plain.
Home and Away: Bad
Turkey Home Away Now we're talking. It may still be a hangover from their unbelievable victory over the Czechs on Sunday, but these are both very nice shirts. The home shirt can look a little like a 'Boro effort, I'm sure, but it dazzles nonetheless. And that away shirt, my goodness. Two teams made solid use of baby blue accents this tournament, and Turkey is one of them.
Home and Away: Good

Group B
Austria Home Away A mixed bag. Once again, we are stuck with Puma templates, but Austria does something a little right here. It's not in the home shirt, really, though it should rate a "meh" instead of its final grade. The winner here is the away shirt. Menacingly black with a little flag flair thrown in at the collar.
Home: Bad; Away: Good
Croatia Home Away Did we even get to see the all-checkerboard shirt yet? I don't recall. You have to give them respect for sticking with such and irritating-to-the-eyes shirt for all of these years. As for the blue away shirt, man, I don't know. And for that, it perfectly fits the WTF category. Safe to say I would not want to sport either one of these walking around my town.
Home and Away: WTF?
Germany Home Away Poor Germany. Forever saddled with a white shirt that they are not entirely happy with, so they fuck around with it. This year's entry feels unbalanced. Too much black in the striping, not enough red or yellow. At least it keeps us away from the away shirt. Seriously, this is not a look for top tier international football. This is a training top. Even though I kind of like the gold stitching on the black background, I hope they never have to wear it.
Home: Bad; Away: WTF?
Poland Home Away Poland, the home of unattractive football. They never looked good playing in the Euros, and these shirts did not help. Blandest of them all.
Home and Away: Bad

Group C
Romania Home Away Romania's shirts this year felt like a throwback to USA '94. Sadly, the team did not perform in the same manner. The worst part of it all is that they totally rip off the New York Cosmos badge. Anyway, 14 years is too soon to do a throwback jersey. Well, I write that, but I can't hate on the home jersey. I like it.
Home: Good; Away: Bad
France Home Away I am not a fan of the extra crap going across the middle of the French home shirt. They do, however, get credit with me by having their flag pop up inside the adidas stripes on the arms. Throw in that nice, newish badge of the rooster and you have a winner. God help me, I like the garish red away shirt as well. Two winners.
Home and Away: Good
Netherlands Home Away The Dutch are always hard to figure out. They have to use that bright orange which pays homage to a royal family line that no one likes. Sometimes they pull it off, and sometimes it is painful. This tournament, they pulled it off, sometimes. The Dutch were the second team to tastefully use Nike's new baby blue accent by pairing the orange shirt with baby blue socks. And it totally worked. However, when they reverted to orange socks yesterday, it all looked horrible. Also, nice try, but you can't work in your flag on the collar without it looking like you won First Grade attendance medals. As for the away shirt, it divides us. But, I'm the one writing here, and I hate it. So, there you go. We do seem to be unified in liking the cyborg numbering though.
Home: Good, with qualifications; Away: WTF?
Italy Home Away Italy stick with the basics. Once again, this is a Puma top, but it's not quite as bad as the red and white ones. This gets a passing grade for the gold at the neck. The away jersey, though, is run of the mill and boring.
Home: Good; Away: Bad

Group D
Spain Home Away I think we were a bit undecided by these. The home jersey is nothing out of the ordinary, but it works well. That light gold away shirt, though, is rather atrocious. Hopefully, Spain will not be required to trot it out on their way to winning this year's tournament.
Home: Good; Away: WTF?
Russia Home Away These had potential, especially the away shirt, but the execution is off. I am all for integrating you nation's flag into the shirt. I don't like it when doing so means that I have to fill in the blanks for you. The white shirt loses the top stripe of the flag and the red shirt loses the bottom stripe of the flag. Why not go with a blue away shirt so that one can easily make out the flag running across the torso? Nike FAIL.
Home: Bad; Away: WTF?
Greece Home Away Thanks for coming and bringing the same kit from 2004. Did you think that would work? Okay, the sublimated flag print on the away shirt is nice, but no dice.
Home and Away: Bad
Sweden Home Away It's always tough to deal with the Swedish shirts. The combo of yellow and blue is a nice one, but they just use too much yellow sometimes. If only I could get a reason to really like a bunch of yellow Swedish shirts. Oh, here's one. The away shirt is a tough one. In some pictures, it looks black, which would be a bold move, but in others it looks navy, which is kind of boring. Still, since Swedish girls will wear them and get pictured in them, they are both winners.
Home and Away: Good

Read more on "The Good, The Bad, The WTF: Euro 2008 Edition"...

Euro Trash Day 2: "Electric Boogaloo"

Croatia 1 - Austria 0

Add Croatians to the list of people not to invite over. For the second day in a row a former communist country showed up as a guest to the Euro party and started to steal shit from the host. And by "shit" I mean "match." Heavy favorites Croatia got a debatably gift penalty call (see what we did there... who doesn't love a party theme?) inside of 5 minutes then held on for the three points.

A bit reckless on the contact? Yes. Penalty? Maybe. Yellow card? No way (turns out the card was given to Emanuel Pogatetz for the protest, not to Rene Aufhauser for the challlenge). But Luka Modric converted, and the single goal held up.

The 90-something ranked Austrians probably deserved better, save for the critical fact that they neglected to score but, silver lining, they disposed of the notion that they would embarrass themselves as they flat outplayed Croatia in the second half.

Croatia, who often will just punch a team in the face until they relent found that the Austrians were happy to punch right back. In fact it was while Pogatetz was carrying the yellow and still pulled at [I think] Olic's shoulder not once but twice before clubbing him across the face with his forearm—should have been a second yellow and an ejection—at about the 30th minute that Croatia realized they might have to win on skill alone. And somewhat surprisingly, they didn't seem like they had enough of it (I know Eduardo led the qualifying group in scoring but is he really that important?).

Austria peppered keeper Pletikosa with chances, but failed to get a couple of headers down that might have netted the equalizer. My $.02, this was the most exciting match of the tourney so far. It was far from pretty, buy fuck if these two teams didn't run at each other for 90 straight.

Germany 2 - Poland 0

The really sad part about this is that with each successive encounter, Poland seems more convinced that they are going to beat Germany. Today's 2-0 quasi-methodical defeat brings Germany's running record to 12-0-4. Lukas Podolski had a brace off a fortuitous bounce and a couple of good looks at a hatty (Oh wait, the really, really sad part about this is that Podolski was born in Poland).

I didn't see the second goal live because my ESPN2 went out (along with ESPN, but Classic was still raging, strange). Was that national?

Anyway, Poland created some chances, but keeping with the letimotif of all teams having been shut-out, couldn't finish. I think that might be a tautology.

Too bad Johnnie Cochran is dead or he could have made a killer pre-game pep talk. "If Lehmann is in goal, you must score if you're a Pole." Yeah, shit that rhymes is always true.

Despite Jens showing in the first minute (ah, shades of the EPL opener against Fulham) that he was apt to blunder, Poland couldn't take advantage. They actually outshot Germany 11-9 (with a good number of the German shots coming late) but didn't make Jens have to handle enough of them.

Germany looks like a lock to advance, but given the other three teams' performances, Group B's bridesmaid derby is wideopen.

Linkage:

Looks like Spain won't be having any Cesc on the field. Not for starters anyway. I don't have the coaching credentials of Aragones (I'm also not quite as racist either) but this seems like a very bad idea.

Shocker. People drinking at the Euro.

Didier Drogba can't stand not being the center of attention.

If I weren't such a HTML 'tard I would have given the two photos cutlines of "My name is Luka" and "My name is Lukas" respectively. Go ahead, laugh. That shit is funny.

Read more on "Euro Trash Day 2: "Electric Boogaloo""...

Euro 2008 Open Thread: Croatia v. Austria

The other co-host for Euro 2008 Austria opens its tournament today against Croatia. Austria is the lowest ranked nation in Euro 2008 and will be lucky to get any points in group play. But, being in your homeland always has some positive effect. So, maybe they can shock the world. Their fans don't seem to think so, since some started a petition to keep the team out of the tournament.

Croatia, on the other hand, is veteran of international tournaments having qualified for the last 3 world cups and taking 3rd in 1998. Croatia has young midfielder Luca Modric who will play for Tottenham next spring that is picked to have a breakout tournament. Hopefully, the racist neo-Nazi Croatian fans don't ruin this tournament.

Lineups after the jump...


Austria

21 Jurgen Macho (G)
3 Martin Stranzl (D)
4 Emanuel Pogatetz (D)
12 Ronald Gercaliu (D)
15 Sebastien Prodl (D)
10 Andreas Ivanschitz (M)
6 Rene Aufhauser (M)
2 Joachim Standfest (M)
19 Jurgen Saumel (M)
9 Roland Linz (F)
20 Martin Harnik (F)

Croatia

1 Stipe Pletikosa (G)
3 Josip Simunic (D)
4 Robert Kovac (D)
5 Vedran Corluka (D)
11 Darijo Srna (M)
19 Niko Kranjcar (M)
10 Nico Kovac (M)
22 Danijel Pranjic (M)
14 Luka Modric (M)
21 Mladen Petric (F)
18 Ivica Olic (F)

Read more on "Euro 2008 Open Thread: Croatia v. Austria"...

Euro 2008 Previews: Croatia

We continue our Euro 2008 previews with Croatia. As an Arsenal fan, I was excited to see what Croatia could do this summer, and perhaps even regarded them as a semi darkhorse to go deep into the tournament. After all, they were one of the highest scoring teams in qualification, had humiliated England twice, and had blooming striker Eduardo to lead the line. Then came this. The clumsy tackling of Birmingham's Mark Taylor (enjoy the bus rides to Blackpool asshole!) managed to, at least on paper, KO two teams' chances at trophies. While Arsenal were never able to overcome losing Eduardo, Croatia has a shot. See why after the jump.




The manager pictured is one Slaven Bilic, who outwitted Second Choice Steve both times Croatia beat England, earning himself a pretty serious reputation amongst the Fleet Street hacks. As a result his name is getting some mention when big job vacancies open up. Bilic has Croaita playing an attacking 4-3-3 in the prototypical Dutch mold, and he will surely rely on runs from the midfielders to generate scoring opportunities.

Instead of Eduardo, the focus for Croatia will now be on Luca Modric, an old fashioned creative midfielder in the Riquelme mold. He's the sort of player I might like except that Spurs just bought him for a ridiculous $30 million, so now he's dead to me. Other notables include Nico Kranjcar of Pompey and Corluka of Citeh.

Croatia has a very good chance of finishing second in their group behind Germany. Their competition is Poland, as Austria are shit. And since the USA owns the Poles, I figure Croatia can handle them. But the Croats had better take the hosts seriously, as they have to play them in the opener in Vienna, and you would imagine the Austrians will be slightly pumped up. Although they suck so badly that there was a petition to have them removed from the tournament. In the second round, Croatia could definitely upset the Czechs or the pretty boys from Lisbon.

Goalkeepers: Stipe Pletikosa, Vedran Runje, Mario Galinovic

Defenders: Robert Kovac, Dario Simic, Danijel Pranjic, Dario Knezevic, Josip Simunic, Hrvoje Vejic, Vedran Corluka

Midfielders: Nikola Pokrivac, Niko Kranjcar, Luka Modric, Ivan Rakitic, Niko Kovac, Jerko Leko, Darijo Srna, Ognjen Vukojevic

Forwards: Ivan Klasnic, Igor Budan, Mladen Petric, Ivica Olic, Nikola Kalinic

(1) Could England beat this team? Haha, definitely not. They were embarrassed in qualifying.
(2) Can Croatia win Euro 2008? No. But they can upset someone in the later stages.
(3) What is their pre-made excuse for not winning Euro 2008? Edurado's broken leg. Hey if it worked for Arsenal, it can work for Croatia!
(4) What is the biggest question mark surrounding their team? Who is going to score goals?
(5) Who is their worst player? I have no idea, sorry.

Read more on "Euro 2008 Previews: Croatia"...

To the surprise of no-one

Today's unsurprising news update on the Edu situation [aside from the story that he's expecting to make a full recovery and return to football in just 9 months] revolves around the perpetrator of this revolting act: Bongo FC defender Martin Taylor.

It appears the Croats are pissed at him, and yep, you guessed it: the death threats have begun.

Eduardo da Silva, although Brazilian by birth, took up Croatian citizenship in 2002 after beginning his senior career there the previous year for Dinamo Zagreb. He played well for Dinamo, scoring 73 goals in 110 appearances for the club from 2001-2007, and his 10 goals in the 12 Euro 2008 qualifying were instrumental to their qualification.

And now, with this injury ruling him out of any football until 2009, the Croatian fans are furious.

This is where the delicious irony oozes out everywhere. These are the same Croatian fans who thrive on forming swastikas in the stands, displaying their proud "Aryan" supremacist bullshit for anyone who'll take a picture, and now, they're furious over the loss of their Brazilian naturalized superhero!

As Spectator said in our email thread, "Progress is sometimes measured in small, incremental steps!"

It's just a shame Edu can't take those steps with them just yet.

Photo Credit for the Swastika [Philadelphia Will Do]

Read more on "To the surprise of no-one"...