Where Will Beckham Go?

As the Golden Douche preps to return to the USA, news emerges that he hasn't finalized a return to AC Milan in November once his time at LA is finished.

"It has not been finalized although Milan is one of the clubs that have shown an interest. I will definitely be coming back to Europe though because of the World Cup," said the PR-trained media moron, and so all the headlines will surely be dominated all summer by his selection process.

So much for LA getting a focused player back for half a season, although we knew that was never likely, didn't we?

What makes it interesting is that he'll be figuring out his choice of club not just with his ugly, sullen robot wife, but with the England manager and apparent BFF/s'mores lover, Fabio Capello.

Is there any other player on earth with such a direct line to their country's national team boss, so much so that he'll get help choosing where to play his club football?

Beckham elaborated in his typically bland way: "He will be thinking about where I will be going in December. The manager always said to me, 'Wherever you go, play at the highest level.' Most places in Europe are at the top level."

And so the two of them will flip through proposals and brochures like a pair of lovers choosing a honeymoon destination, and I feel obligated to try and guess at possible destinations for England's one-dimensional, aging talisman.

AC MILAN: Naturally, the front-runner. He loves Italy, simply because it's a much slower pace and he can get away with doing less over the course of a game. While Kaka is gone, there's still plenty of star power to share space with Becks on the marquee. Plus his wife loves the couture.

CHELSEA: Former manager connection? Maybe, but I can't see Abramovich wanting to spend money on what would amount to a 1-year rental.

MANCHESTER UNITED: hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha(deep breath)hahahahahahahahahaha

LIVERPOOL: He's not Spanish.

REAL MADRID: They have no use for him now that they bought the guys who have essentially replaced him as the world's best players. Though, Florentino Perez paid massive money for him back in the early 00s, and the thought of yet more high-paid brand names atop the roster is mighty tempting.

BARCELONA: Seriously, no.

INTER MILAN: Jose Mourinho has enough entitled assholes to deal with.

LAZIO: not flashy enough. Also too racist for his squeaky-clean brand.

BAYERN MUNICH: too much hard work required. Plus the media doesn't really pay much attention to the Bundesliga, even though it was the only European domestic league to end with some intrigue and excitement.

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR: Would be a massive step back. Plus they have Aaron Lennon.

Any clubs I'm missing? I mean, for all the showboating and subterfuge, he's totally heading back to AC Milan, right?