Where Will Beckham Go?

As the Golden Douche preps to return to the USA, news emerges that he hasn't finalized a return to AC Milan in November once his time at LA is finished.

"It has not been finalized although Milan is one of the clubs that have shown an interest. I will definitely be coming back to Europe though because of the World Cup," said the PR-trained media moron, and so all the headlines will surely be dominated all summer by his selection process.

So much for LA getting a focused player back for half a season, although we knew that was never likely, didn't we?

What makes it interesting is that he'll be figuring out his choice of club not just with his ugly, sullen robot wife, but with the England manager and apparent BFF/s'mores lover, Fabio Capello.

Is there any other player on earth with such a direct line to their country's national team boss, so much so that he'll get help choosing where to play his club football?

Beckham elaborated in his typically bland way: "He will be thinking about where I will be going in December. The manager always said to me, 'Wherever you go, play at the highest level.' Most places in Europe are at the top level."

And so the two of them will flip through proposals and brochures like a pair of lovers choosing a honeymoon destination, and I feel obligated to try and guess at possible destinations for England's one-dimensional, aging talisman.

AC MILAN: Naturally, the front-runner. He loves Italy, simply because it's a much slower pace and he can get away with doing less over the course of a game. While Kaka is gone, there's still plenty of star power to share space with Becks on the marquee. Plus his wife loves the couture.

CHELSEA: Former manager connection? Maybe, but I can't see Abramovich wanting to spend money on what would amount to a 1-year rental.

MANCHESTER UNITED: hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha(deep breath)hahahahahahahahahaha

LIVERPOOL: He's not Spanish.

REAL MADRID: They have no use for him now that they bought the guys who have essentially replaced him as the world's best players. Though, Florentino Perez paid massive money for him back in the early 00s, and the thought of yet more high-paid brand names atop the roster is mighty tempting.

BARCELONA: Seriously, no.

INTER MILAN: Jose Mourinho has enough entitled assholes to deal with.

LAZIO: not flashy enough. Also too racist for his squeaky-clean brand.

BAYERN MUNICH: too much hard work required. Plus the media doesn't really pay much attention to the Bundesliga, even though it was the only European domestic league to end with some intrigue and excitement.

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR: Would be a massive step back. Plus they have Aaron Lennon.

Any clubs I'm missing? I mean, for all the showboating and subterfuge, he's totally heading back to AC Milan, right?

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Decisions, Decisions.

As Norwich City head into their game with Barnsley manager-less tomorrow, the board are collecting resumes and arranging interviews. Since Glenn Roeder was canned on Wednesday, that interweb thingy has been rife with speculation and news of possible candidates. After the jump I'll have a butchers at the runners and riders and assess their feasibility for the greatest job on Earth. Well... my Earth at least.

The resumes are stacked up but who is in the pile? Let's speculate.

Aidy Boothroyd
The former Watford man is familiar with Norwich, he used to work as a youth coach at he club. The problem with Boothroyd is that he favors a brand of football that is about as attractive as this. I am so sorry... I won't do that again, I promise.

Boothroyd could certainly get them up the table, but at the expense of the football that all of us Norfolk folks crave. Aidy would likely bring fan favourite Malky Mackay with him. Malky worked under Boothroyd at Watford, in fact he is still there. Boothroyd is the bookies favorite and the current price is 8/15.

Paul Ince
Ince failed at Blackburn, but has been successful in lower divisions with Macclesfield and MK Dons. I'd guess that the egos at Blackburn were a little more of a challenge than those in roundabout city. Santa Cruz and co probably rate themselves as players who are as good as Ince was, and Ince still being young they probably didn't give him the respect he wanted and needed to get the best from his team.

At a lower level he is cut above, a legend who played for Man United and England. He would certainly have the players' ears at Norwich like he did at Milton Keynes and Macclesfield. I suspect that Ince may not be ready for the Premier League yet but one step below? He'd be a good choice for me. One of the lads, but capable of saying what he means. SkyBet has him at 8/15 like Boothroyd.


Ince: 8/15. Could Ince have an impact in the Colaship?

Mark Robins
The former Norwich favorite is currently the manager of Rotherham. Over the last few days I have read about the 'good job' he has done in Yorkshire. If a good job is being 20th in League Two and 2 places away from a drop into the Blue Square, then I must be f**king amazing at my job! I may have to go and ask for a pay rise. Robins is 14/1. No thanks!

Bruce Rioch
Fresh from his time with Aalborg, Rioch lives in Norwich and has done the job before. He is not a bad bloke and lacked money to spend in his previous tenure in the job. Not an ambitious enough appointment for me. Rumors are swirling that the club may look to Rioch or Worthington to do a temporary job a la Joe Kinnear and make a permanent signing in the summer. Rioch is 16/1.

Nigel Worthington
Nigel Worthington was fired in 2006 after a long campaign by the fans. If we'd all had access to a crystal ball, we would have kept our mouths shut. Worthy took City up as Champions and brought us back down again. His failure to get us back up again with the resources he had at the time became his downfall.

Ironically enough, Norwich City are currently in a similar situation to the one he inherited in 2000. Under these circumstances, I think he would do a decent job and replicate his efforts of the first go around. Worthy is currently the manager of Northern Ireland and their FA have turned down permission from Norwich to discuss the job with Nigel.


Worthington: A play-off final and promotion to the Premier League. Can he do it again?

Paul Jewell
Jewell was the choice of most fans when Roeder was handed the job 14 months ago. He certainly has the resume to suggest he could take us to safety and push on for a play-off place over the next two years, but will he want to spend too much? He also walked from Derby after spending all their money and leaving them near the bottom of the table. Not a trait I admire. I'd rather we didn't risk this one. Jewell is 33/1.

Ian Dowie
This guy has had more clubs than Tiger Woods and looks more like Sloth from the Gonies than a football manager, but he does get results. The problem with Dowie is that he tends to fall out with people or walk. Palace chairman Simon Jordan sued him after he quit Palace for family reasons but appeared as the manager of rivals Charlton a few days later. That shows balls, but not the type for Norfolk.

Ultimately, he's too big a gamble. The next Norwich manager may have to get us out of League One and be 100% behind the cause. Dowie has been telling everyone that he wants the Norwich job, he has been out of work since October when QPR canned him. Odds with SkyBet are 33/1.


Sloth: Been to more clubs than Cheryl Tweedy.

Roy Keane
Miserable sod. Like Roeder, not a people person. Rumors from the north of England suggest he fell out with the players at Sunderland and lost the dressing room. There have also been stories of unsociable behaviour and of not turning up for training.
Norwich City just got rid of their most unpopular manager in history, and the last thing Norwich fans want is more of the same. Hell no. Keano is at 66/1.

Dion Dublin
Big Dion is very popular in Norwich. He started his career there and it ended there. To say that Norwich fans would like to welcome him back would be an understatement, but not as manager. Peter Grant arrived with no managerial experience as his run in the job was an absolute disaster, he signed terrible players and had City adrift at the bottom, meaning that Dublin's popularity would only go so far. I am certain the club won't hire an unexperienced man again. Dublin's odds for the job are 50/1.
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There are quite a host of ex-Premiership managers available currently. Whether or not they would fancy a drop to the Colaship is unknown, but some of them have been out of work long enough to consider it. Here is a full list of candidates and their odds with SkyBet...

Ince - 8/15
Boothroyd - 8/15
Robins - 14/1
Rioch - 16/1
Calderwood (Jimmy and Colin) - 20/1
Dowie - 33/1
Jewell - 33/1
Sanchez - 33/1
Pardew - 33/1
Bowen - 40/1
Holloway - 40/1
O'Leary - 50/1
Robson - 50/1
Dublin - 50/1
Curbishley - 66/1
Keane - 66/1
Poyet - 66/1
Hoddle - 66/1
Souness - 80/1

The next Norwich manager needs to be able to provide the shot in the arm the club needs to pull away from relegation and the ability to build a team thereafter. Roeder had the shot alright, but the effects of that shot wore off far too soon and there was no sign of a repeat prescription in sight.

The problem with the Norwich job is that you don't have Birmingham's budget or the salary of Rafa Benitez. But what you do have is great support from a passionate bunch of fans and a community that just wants good football. No one is expecting to win the league, hell, we don't even mind losing if the team plays well. But effort and passing football are a must.

After 2 disastrous managers, there's got to be someone out there that's a fit for us, right?

-Bigus

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