The EPL Weekend Ahead: The Return of Big Sam

How many EPL jobs can one man have before he's finally recognized as being useless?

Big Phil, move aside.

Big Sam is here, the face and charisma that launched a thousand ships. His working-class jowls and worry lines will dominate the sidelines this weekend, and if Blackburn dare get their new recycled gaffer a win, he'll dominate the headlines too.

But it's not all man boobs and malcontent in the EPL this week. No, there are a couple of Sunday humdingers that will surely underwhelm. We can hope for some excitement, scandal, intrigue or entertainment.

The thing is: will we receive it?

Blackburn v. Stoke
Never, ever, ever, ever underestimate the New Manager Effect. I reckon the lads from Ewood will be up for this one now that they have Allardyce to impress. Stoke don't have Delap, so they're essentially useless. Blackburn 1, Stoke 0

Bolton v. Portsmouth
Draw draw draw draw draw. Megson v. Adams: the battle of two tactically-challenged, inept managers. The only thing that can prevail is complete and utter boredom. Bolton 1, Portsmouth 1

Fulham v. Middlesbrough
The home side are unbeaten in six, with four consecutive draws. They've scored just one goal in the last month. Meanwhile, 'Boro have only won once in their last seven. This is another snore-fest, folks. Hodgson will sneak it. Fulham 2, 'Boro 1

Hull v. Sunderland
The Keane-less Mackems are still without a sideline general, while Phil Brown can do no wrong at the KC Stadium. After tomorrow, they'll have more disciples in Yorkshire to the Cult. Hull 3, Sunderland 0

West Ham v. Aston Villa
The battle of the Clarets, as u75 calls it. It will not, however, be much of a battle in the scoreline. The Hammers are not pushovers, but O'Neill's men have a self-belief that might just see them secure fourth place over the Christmas holidays once and for all. West Ham 1, Aston Villa 2

West Brom v. Manchester City (Sunday)
It's the Take it to the bank special! Despite being dreadful away from home, Sparky can't possibly fuck this one up, can he? Then again, Robinho's struggling with ankle-knack... West Brom 0, Manchester City 2

Newcastle v. Tottenham (Sunday)
We can look forward to the Clash of Old-School, Wily, Loud-Mouthed Managers at St. James's Park, and this should actually be worth watching, unlike all the drivel tomorrow. As much as you must feel the urge to back 'Arry and his culture of winning narrowly, there is the imminent danger of Michael Owen. He's enjoying a couple of weeks of good form before his next injury, and you can never write that off. It's the ultimate intangible! Newcastle 2, Tottenham 2

Thirdsenal v. HopefullyStillFirsterpool (Sunday)
These games always seem so loaded with tension and title implications, but they peter out when it's time to hit the pitch. Will this weekend be any different? No Torres and no guarantee as to which Adebayor will show up means this is heading for the bore/score draw. Arsenal 1, Liverpool 1

Everton v. Spartak London (Monday)
I always swore I'd never ever root for the Toffees in any capacity. This monday might be the one time where such a practice is even considered. F*ck Tim Cahill to the deepest chasms of hell, but I'll cheer if he puts Big Phil Scolari's men further off the pace heading into Christmas itself. Realism kicks in just enough to tell me that this doomsday scenario will never come to fruition. Everton 1, Spartak London 3