The EPL Weekend Ahead: The Return of Big Sam

How many EPL jobs can one man have before he's finally recognized as being useless?

Big Phil, move aside.

Big Sam is here, the face and charisma that launched a thousand ships. His working-class jowls and worry lines will dominate the sidelines this weekend, and if Blackburn dare get their new recycled gaffer a win, he'll dominate the headlines too.

But it's not all man boobs and malcontent in the EPL this week. No, there are a couple of Sunday humdingers that will surely underwhelm. We can hope for some excitement, scandal, intrigue or entertainment.

The thing is: will we receive it?

Blackburn v. Stoke
Never, ever, ever, ever underestimate the New Manager Effect. I reckon the lads from Ewood will be up for this one now that they have Allardyce to impress. Stoke don't have Delap, so they're essentially useless. Blackburn 1, Stoke 0

Bolton v. Portsmouth
Draw draw draw draw draw. Megson v. Adams: the battle of two tactically-challenged, inept managers. The only thing that can prevail is complete and utter boredom. Bolton 1, Portsmouth 1

Fulham v. Middlesbrough
The home side are unbeaten in six, with four consecutive draws. They've scored just one goal in the last month. Meanwhile, 'Boro have only won once in their last seven. This is another snore-fest, folks. Hodgson will sneak it. Fulham 2, 'Boro 1

Hull v. Sunderland
The Keane-less Mackems are still without a sideline general, while Phil Brown can do no wrong at the KC Stadium. After tomorrow, they'll have more disciples in Yorkshire to the Cult. Hull 3, Sunderland 0

West Ham v. Aston Villa
The battle of the Clarets, as u75 calls it. It will not, however, be much of a battle in the scoreline. The Hammers are not pushovers, but O'Neill's men have a self-belief that might just see them secure fourth place over the Christmas holidays once and for all. West Ham 1, Aston Villa 2

West Brom v. Manchester City (Sunday)
It's the Take it to the bank special! Despite being dreadful away from home, Sparky can't possibly fuck this one up, can he? Then again, Robinho's struggling with ankle-knack... West Brom 0, Manchester City 2

Newcastle v. Tottenham (Sunday)
We can look forward to the Clash of Old-School, Wily, Loud-Mouthed Managers at St. James's Park, and this should actually be worth watching, unlike all the drivel tomorrow. As much as you must feel the urge to back 'Arry and his culture of winning narrowly, there is the imminent danger of Michael Owen. He's enjoying a couple of weeks of good form before his next injury, and you can never write that off. It's the ultimate intangible! Newcastle 2, Tottenham 2

Thirdsenal v. HopefullyStillFirsterpool (Sunday)
These games always seem so loaded with tension and title implications, but they peter out when it's time to hit the pitch. Will this weekend be any different? No Torres and no guarantee as to which Adebayor will show up means this is heading for the bore/score draw. Arsenal 1, Liverpool 1

Everton v. Spartak London (Monday)
I always swore I'd never ever root for the Toffees in any capacity. This monday might be the one time where such a practice is even considered. F*ck Tim Cahill to the deepest chasms of hell, but I'll cheer if he puts Big Phil Scolari's men further off the pace heading into Christmas itself. Realism kicks in just enough to tell me that this doomsday scenario will never come to fruition. Everton 1, Spartak London 3

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The EPL Weekend Ahead: Life and Death in Stoppage Time

I'm rubbish at predicting scores, and he's rubbish at running a club. Couldn't hurt for us to switch, could it?

Well, I was outright crap last week (4 winners, 0 exact scores), thanks to a slew of 91st and 92nd minute goals that choked any fun out of the rest of the weekend. Stoke daggered my hopes of collecting on a Newcastle win that appeared rock-solid at half-time, Man U needed every last second to steal 3 points that they most definitely deserved, while Hull left it wonderfully late to score their 2 goals and win against 'Boro. Oh, and the Everton/Aston Villa game!

Note to refs: when the wristwatch says 90:00, please just blow the damn whistle. Note to Everton: just because you've equalized late doesn't mean it's full-time. Idiots.

So what awaits this week? Which manager will be canned next, and right before the holidays too (like so many corporations)? It has to be Ince. Yet again they've made headlines in the papers about some meetings they had this week, although if Paul tells us they were routine and par-for-the-course, we should just believe it. Definitely no crisis summit at Ewood Park, nope. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along. After all, they haven't completely bottomed out yet.

One thing he could do before leaving is figure out the Curious Case of Roque Santa Cruz. Does he only score when he feels like it?

Come thinktank with me and my terrible glimpse into the future. It's full of score draws!

Middlesbrough v. Arsenal (kick-off: 7.45am)
I'm just waiting for the letdown, although does midweek count? Their fondness for winning one week, losing the next, means this could be more dropped points for Wenger. I'll go with that again, just because 'Boro have been unlucky lately and Arsenal aren't dominant away from home. 'Boro 1, Arsenal 1

Aston Villa v. Bolton
Might be tougher than expected, but should still be comfortable for the luckiest side in the Midlands. Aston Villa 3, Bolton 1

Liverpool v. Hull
Ugh, this match has TRAP written all over it in big, bold letters. That said, Hull have fatigued a bit over the last 7 weeks (1 win, 3 draws, 3 defeats) but their away form is still impressive: 2nd in away goals scored with 15 (to Chelsea's 21), and they've scored in every single away game too. Surely that run will continue, but LFC have turned it around after those two momentum-killing draws to Fulham and West Ham. Keane will score. How's that for confidence? Liverpool 2, Hull 1

Manchester City v. Everton
A team that's all-strikers v. a team that has no strikers at all. This should be fun. The Mark Hughes Rollercoaster Fun Ride will continue tomorrow with another win against good opposition that will awaken yet more false hope. Poor Joleon Lescott must be soiling himself considering how many small, fast men he'll have to man-mark.
Man City 2, Everton 0

Stoke v. Fulham
Do I have to choose? Stoke 0, Fulham 0

Sunderland v. West Brom
Do I have to choose (Pt.2: Electric Cisse-aloo)? Sunderland 1, West Brom 0

Wigan v. Blackburn
This is Paul Ince managing for his job yet again, although I'm not exactly confident for him. Perhaps it'd be best to just get the messy break-up over and done with now, instead of that weird half-week workweek between Christmas and New Year's Day. They put up a battle when LFC were in town, but Wigan at home should do better than they did last weekend. Wigan 2, Blackburn 1

Tottenham v. Manchester United (kick-off: 12.30pm)
Berbatov will likely wuss out of this sparkling return trip to his old stomping grounds, which is sad considering Spurs fans really do deserve the satisfaction of hounding him mercilessly. Spurs will give up a lot of space in midfield (because that's what they do!), and Fergie's cult will gladly take the early xmas gift. Let's hope Rooney gifts us with another petulant, violent outburst. Tottenham 0, Manchester United 3

Portsmouth v. Newcastle (Sunday, kick-off: 8.30am)
Do I have to choose (Pt. 3: The Re-Kinnearing)? I'm sure Michael Owen's brace last weekend means he's going to go another month without so much as a sniff at goal. That'll bode well for a trip to Fratton Park and the insane fluky volley stylings of Glen Johnson. Portsmouth 2, Newcastle less than nil

Chelsea v. West Ham (Sunday, kick-off: 11am)
Thankfully there's no Monday game this week, but this one will make you long for the workweek's most wretched day, and frankly, that's a sad thing indeed. It's been a while since Scolari ran up the score on someone. Chelsea 4, West Ham 1

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The Weekend Ahead: Managerless Mackems

He's forever blowing Bubbles... and home games

It's probably time to get into the prognostication game, right? We've only missed over a 1/3 of the season, so hopefully our stats won't compare badly to the likes of Cardillo as we get started.

The big question on my mind at the moment: is there anyone in the EPL that actually wants to win the damn thing? It seems like over the last 6 weeks, all the contenders have shown their strengths and flaws in beating each other up, gaining vital away points and then drawing at home to teams who should be skidmarks by this point. Just when someone dares nose ahead, they underachieve and drop back into the muddle.

Looking at November tells it all, really.

Manchester United: Snuck past Hull 4-3, lost at Arsenal, thrashed Stoke, were lucky for a point at Villa Park, scrape a win over their Manchester rivals.

Chelsea: Dismantle Sunderland, Blackburn (Ince is next for the door, obvs) and WBA, only to draw at home to Newcastle and then lose at home to Arsenal.

Liverpool: Lose to Spurs and end unbeaten start to the season, dominate WBA and Bolton, then two consecutive goalless draws at home to Fulham and West Ham.

Arsenal: Lose at Stoke, beat Man U at home, lose to Villa at home, get murdered by Man City, beat Chelsea.

It's the most perplexing thing at this point since trying to locate Carmen Sandiego. Can you remember a season that was this, ahem, evenly-matched in December? Everyone's fallible, all teams are human (and are capable of great error), anything is possible.

Which is making this decision to finally start predicting scorelines seem even more foolhardy. Ah well, hopefully I'll be better at this than Roy Keane was at figuring out which Spurs players to purchase.

Come Teemu Tainio with me after the jump.

Fulham v. Manchester City
Oh good, a difficult one right off the bat. Do you go with the wonderful Bullard, or the tandem of Robinho and Ireland who seem to shit the bed on the road? That's like deciding between Hall and Oates as to which one you liked better. Fulham 1, Manchester City 2

Arsenal v. Wigan
Is the Gallas situation over and done with yet, or is he the walking, talking epitome of a player who only sings when he's winning? I predict a draw, and then further French self-immolation in the media all week. Arsenal 1, Wigan 1

Blackburn v. Liverpool
If ever there was a team you'd want to face when trying to score your first league goal in over two weeks, this would be it. Ince is clinging to his job by a thread, and this defeat will likely finish him off. Ugly Dutchman will find his boots again, and just in time too. All I want for Christmas this year is a healthy Torres. Blackburn 0, Liverpool 3

Bolton v. Chelsea
This is tougher than you'd think. Stupid F*cking Bolton won 4 of their 5 November games, but Luis Felipe Hackman is still seething from last week's Stamford Bridge shaming at the boots of Robin van Injured. It'll be harder than Frank Lampard would like, but the Blues should right the ship a little here. Bolton 0, Chelsea 1

Hull v. Middlesbrough
The first of this weekend's "who gives a fuck?" fixtures. Hull haven't won in 6, 'Boro are an enigma, and this game will be intolerably boring. Hull 2, 'Boro 2

Newcastle v. Stoke
They're not out of the shit just yet, but Joe Kinnear has his side playing with confidence, something that Allardyce seemed to beat out of them like it was a bad thing. The Potters on the road are dire (2 points from 18), so that trend should continue tomorrow. Newcastle 2, Stoke 0

Manchester United v. Sunderland
If I were a gambling man, I'd bet the house on this one. Fuck, I'd bet the car, the children, the flat-screen TV and the Cuisinart blender you got for Christmas last year but have yet to use. Still, it looks nice gathering dust on the kitchen counter. Who said domestication was easy? Man United 4, Sunderland 1

West Bromwich Albion v. Portsmouth (Sunday)
WBA are playing good football, and Pompey are not. It's that simple. Tony Adams is not the second coming of Jose Mourinho. He's not even the second coming of Kevin Keegan. All the losing they've been doing lately, in the league and in Europe, is going to take its toll on that thin squad. Gamble on this one! WBA 1, Portsmouth 0

Everton v. Aston Villa
Villa may have just lost to Vilnius in Europe (ha!), but they did it the Wenger Way, kiddies to the slaughter. The league is an entirely different beast, one with claws and an inability to feel pain. This is their chance to grab hold of 4th place and never look back, although Moyes' tactics will surely aim to choke all life and excitement out of the game. Still, O'Neill's ready. Everton 1, Aston Villa 2

West Ham v. Tottenham
Draw draw draw draw draw Redknapp draw Zola draw draw draw Bent is falling back to earth draw draw draw Gomes mistake draw draw draw draw. Draw. West Ham 1, Tottenham 1

So there you have it. A week in the EPL. If you lose money on these, it's not my fault. Do what everyone in soccer does: Blame Sepp Blatter.

But back to Roy Keane for a quick minute: we knew him as the most volatile player ever to marshal a midfield, right? So why did he slink off so meekly from the Stadium of Light? Thoughts in the comments, please. And give us your predictions too. If you're that much better than us, shit, maybe we should swap positions.

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Final EPL Weekend Preview

Usually the final weekend in the English Premier League (suck it Barclay’s) is fairly noneventful as most things have already been wrapped up. In fact the title hasn't been decided on the final day in something like 7 years. This year is different. There really are very meaningful matches this weekend.

It is quite spectacular, really, how many things remain to be decided. All of the Champions League slots are filled–Man U, Chelsea, Arsenal, and Liverpool (breathes sigh of relief for Liverpool)–and only one relegation spot has been determined, the honor of which is woeful Derby County–worst Premier League total ever, even if it claims victory over Reading this weekend (crosses fingers for Fulhamerica’s sake). But everything else remains, including the title.

After the jump, a quick rundown of the important matches, all of which are on Sunday....


Wigan v. Manchester United – The mangy Mancs can wrap up the title with a victory here no matter what Chelsea does, unless the Blues are able to make up the 16 goal goal-differential in its match plus whatever Man U’s is, provided the club wins.


Chelsea v. Bolton – The Abramovich’s need to win this match and get help from Wigan to pip the title at the post. Either that or beat Bolton 18-0 and have Man U win only 1-0. Now Bolton is woeful, but it isn’t Derby County.


Everton v. Newcastle & West Ham v. Aston Villa – The EPL UEFA Cup slot is still up for grabs. Everton is in the drivers seat as it is 3 points ahead of Villa. However, Everton has been in poor form having gathered only 6 points in its last 8 matches and Newcastle has seen a rebirth as of late with only Chelsea beating the club in the past 7 matches. Aston Villa needs to find its form again and soon if it hopes to catch Everton and probably say its prayers.


The Relegation Battle -- Portsmouth v. Fulham; Derby County v. Derby County Reading; Birmingham v. Blackburn

There is quite the fight for the final spot ahead of the relegation slots. Derby County already has its ticket to the Colaship, but Birmingham, Reading and Fulham all have a shot to stay up. I am pulling for Fulhamerica because there are 5 Americans on the squad.

Fulham controls its destiny and will remain up if it beats Portsmouth away. Reading faces Derby County so the odds are that Reading will get its three points, but it has been woeful as of late so there is a chance for Derby to pick up its second league victory. Birmingham is home to Blackburn and I fully expect Blackburn to win. Birmingham can survive only if it wins and the other two lose.

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