Monday, July 28, 2008

Take That Off!!!

This pictorial evidence of the bad blood within the Texas classico comes after our earlier post regarding Will Farrell’s discerning taste in apparel.

The fact is that the very sight of certain shirts can elicit a surprisingly strong and reflexive reaction within many of us. Who amongst us has not had their heart drop upon walking into a barbeque and discovering a good friend’s son decked out in some Arsenal rag?

Who hasn’t struck up a conversation with an airport passerby sporting the yellow of Norwich or some other rarely seen specimen? Who doesn’t judge the wearer on the flimsy basis of their choice of Bandwagon Red, whether it be of the Manchester or Merseyside variety?

After the jump, a tour of this Blue’s visceral reactions...

Of course, I’m going to start with the Gunners. I just joined the stable of a Blog that should arguably be renamed Unprofessional Arse. I can guarantee that this post will be tagged with "Douchebags in Chelsea Shirts." [Ed. Note: hey, I'm here to fulfill that guarantee!]

I understand the Haters.

In short, I have a number of good friends who support the Arse. Hirshey is kind enough to never wear Gunner colors, but many of them can’t resist outfitting themselves in a shirt fully 5x too large to be worn by an actual Arsenal player. I see the shirt, and bile rises within me. No matter if they’ve helped me move or bought me pints when I’m short... I hate them then. I’ve gotten in arguments with 8-year-old boys wearing the damned things. You just have to walk up them and make a snide-ass comment, doncha? Yo! Put down the Montrachet, ya prancing ponce! This dude has put down his burgundy and is rockin’ OUT!

The Red of United or Liverpool doesn’t get as much of a rise out of me. I mean, it’s not likely that Floyd Mayweather here, or the dog, or your typical United or Liverpool wearer, really has invested much in the game. They got the shirt because of the history, because United and Liverpool are the Yankees and Cowboys of English football. I would venture to say that, globally, United shirt-wearers watch fewer minutes of actual football than the wearers of any other shirt. Most American Liverpool supporters actually think the Reds could win the Prem some day. How much football could they possibly be watching? So you think, "sigh, well, the shallow fans come with the growth of the game in the States, don’t they? I suppose that’s good."

I came VERY close to putting up a picture of my seven-year old in his Chelsea shirt. I thought better of that. But this is someone’s son. Sure, you say, Chelsea is the new bandwagon. But while wearing Chelsea isn’t quite as controversial as wearing Lazio, it’s hardly an easy choice to wear the shirt of a side that about everyone hates for xenophobic, anti-semitic, or plain spiteful, jealous reasons, is it? Anyhoo, I see a young lad in Blue and it makes me smile. Then I ask him who his favorite player is. (my son’s is Joe Cole).

QPR shirts in Chicago! I love seeing folks in QPR, or Wolves, or Ipswich, or Nottingham Forest shirts. I have a good friend who wears West Brom. Instant conversation! Always something to discuss. And they’ll likely know the game. And their happy you asked after their shirt since they can go days without anyone recognizing it. Makes you want to sing Small World, eh?

These guys? Run. Just run. Why? I can think of five good reasons right off the top of my head. Anyway, don’t make eye contact. Just move along and go home and hug your wife.

What about you? What are your Rorschach Shirts? What sends you into a spittle-spraying rage? What makes you immediately buy the wearer a pint?

Let us know in the comments.


The Fan's Attic said...

is that girl's name dallas?

if so, i'm down for it.

The NY Kid said...

If I ever see Steve Nash and he is wearing a Tottenham jersey, I will punch him in the nards.

Amanda said...

Hey, as an American Liverpool fan, I fully realize that third is the best they can hope for. I love teams that constantly disappoint me.

Bigus Dickus said...

No one ever needs to see anybody in an Ip..Ip...Ip, one of those shirts. It's like having mace sprayed into your eyes...

As for the last pic, Auto, were you not surrounded by wearers of that jersey at your pleasure at a certain cup final? I bet you took that picture didn'tcha?

Autoglass said...

Bigus, I did not take that picture. I don't have a Hammer pic that is quite that ,,, um, terrifying?

strong like bull smart like tractor said...

Living in Seattle, I react the same way to the sight of Arsenal jerseys and Boston Red Sox hats (as often as not, both on the same person). I resist the impulse to talk shit, if only because I don't want to have to fight the guy AND all of his fraternity brothers.

Lingering Bursitis said...

I'll go down the list in terms of crimes they'd make me commit:

Arsenal - breaking & entering
Everton - homicide
Man United - vicious, premeditated, sadistic homicide
Chelsea - war crimes
Spurs - maybe a magic mushroom or three
Newcastle - assault and battery

Mike Georger said...

can we get a 'rip: berbakeane' post? im giddy. GIDDY.

Lingering Bursitis said...

Georger: shh... it's coming

David said...

I see that Leeds United picture and I see myself in 40 years. Yikes, how depressing...

CPT Hoolie said...

If ManYou and Liverpool are the Yankees and Cowboys, than who's Arsenal?

My guess is the Red Wings. But without that pesky trophy to lug around or poop in.

Mike Georger said...

still think the yankees comparison for united is awful. the yankees had a great history throughout baseball. united were an also-ran until ferguson came around. sure they had a european cup, but they have that one incredible team in the late sixties and a handful of titles over the century. theyre more like the redsox. they were decent throughout history, then got infused with an asston of money coupled with a key group of homegrown talent and they started winning. also, the redsox and their fans are tools.

Raatzie said...

@ Amanda

Right there with you. I'm a Philly sports fan. Liverpool's been the perfect fit so far.

And I've only been a fan since I started getting FSC in '06, so I'm the douchebag American bandwagon jumper the blogger describes.

/But I'm trying, Ringo.
//I'm trying real hard.