Monday, July 28, 2008

How I Spent My Summer Vacation, by Chad Johnson

File under: Perez Hitlon's guide to blogging. Hey, don't think we don't take notes around here. We are quickly becoming schooled in the art of taking an otherwise meaningless picture and turning it into a blog post.

That is Chad Johnson (in the shades). He plays wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals. And God help you if you are a fan in of sports in the Queen City. Not only is Dusty Baker the manager of your baseball team, but your throwball team has been to the NFL playoffs exactly once since 1991, when they promptly lost to the Steelers in a Wild Card game.

For the uninitiated, Johnson is the Bengals diva receiver. He's good, but everything he does is designed for him to let you know how good he is (or how good he thinks he is).

The only reason there were cameras to document something so mundane as Johnson's arrival to training camp was because he demanded a trade in the off-season. This apparently means he is making nice and wants to stay a loser Bengal.

Anyway, he showed up in a Sporting Lisbon jersey. What does that mean?

If you guessed "Spent his summer in Portugal" you are probably wrong. Americans don't generally carry passports. And Johnson probably pays someone to buy his clothes. So the origination of the jersey probably went something like:

Chad: Hey, I saw Steve Nash hanging out with soccer players. Don't soccer players get really hot ass? How does Ocho Cinco get in with those guys?

Person Chad Pays to Buy His Clothes: Dunno. Maybe buy a jersey?

Chad: Yeah. Yeah. I like that idea... Buy me a jersey.

Person Chad Pays to Buy His Clothes: Which team?

Chad: Don't know. I don't know. I don't know shit about soccer.

Person Chad Pays to Buy His Clothes: How about Manchester United?

Chad: They play soccer?

Person Chad Pays to Buy His Clothes: I think so.

Chad: Oh... don't they got that little fairy boy Ronaldo playing for them. Ocho Cinco don't want nothing to do with that wuss.

Person Chad Pays to Buy His Clothes: So anything but United?

Chad:: Yeah. Get me another team. Hell get one from another country besides the one Manchester is in, whichever that is.

And that's the story of how Chad Johnson ended up in a Sporting Lisbon jersey, a club and a country that has nothing to do with C. Ronaldo. Nope. Not a thing.

It's not a very entertaining story, then again I don't imagine Chad Johnson having an enlightened conversation about much of anything.

If you're wondering, none of the SportsCenter anchors mentioned the shirt when they showed the footage, likely meaning none recognized it. But seeing how this is a collection of sports experts with an education of such depth in their career of choice that they can't pronounce "Peter Crouch" properly this is 0% surprising.

Right? I mean Johnson pretty much teed this one up for someone to try to show their cool by saying "Ocho Cinco shows up to camp rocking the Sporting Lisbon threads" or some stupid shit like that.

Anyway, yes, a guy wore a shirt. And we blogged about it.



The NY Kid said...

Just imagine if he had worn an Ipswich jersey.

Permanent4 said...

Not to rain on your snark parade or anything, but Chad Johnson actually does know something about soccer. He played in high school and considered a pro soccer career, but MLS hadn't been formed yet, and he didn't want to go to Europe and be so far away from his mom, so he chose to be a wide receiver instead.

It's kind of a shame, really. He probably would have been a solid striker for the USA. He certainly has the necessary attitude for it.

Andrew said...

There was an article of him in Men's Health where he describes cross-training through soccer. And he was wearing the same Sporting jersey.

/filed under raining on parade

Eladio said...

Wow Roy, sounds like you did ZERO research on CJ's soccer background before posting this. Good to see you're keeping up the site's perfect record!


But seriously, interesting that he's an Arsenal fan but wears the SL jersey. Could it be that Arsenal is sponsored by Nike, but Sporting Lisbon is by Reebok, CJ's NFL sponsor? No, I'm sure that's not it at all.

Lingering Bursitis said...

Alright, so CJ does like the soccer. Still, it is a bemusing shirt choice. Green and white are not the kindest colours for him, style-wise. Still, I'm all for this as opposed to endless shots of rich athletes in ManU garb

MoonshineMike said...

so how does one contact rosenhaus to interview this man? 1-800-douche-bag?

Lingering Bursitis said...

Any Given Sunday was on TV randomly last night, and I'd forgotten all about the Drew Rosenhaus cameo. His character was a complete prick, and then I realized that acting that way probably wasn't much of a stretch for him

Danny said...

Hey Dumbass...Next time you write an article do us a favor and do some research. Ronaldo use to play for Sporting and Ronaldo is Portuguese.

Lingering Bursitis said...

Danny, that comment was called sarcasm. You'd be wise to study up

Danny said...

Oh ya thats great sarcasm...
Please teach me your ways

The Fan's Attic said...

Danny, maybe you should check out the hyperlink in the post to Cristiano Ronaldo's wikipedia page.

Lingering Bursitis said...

Danny: you're learning quickly!

Precious Roy said...

Jesus, that'll learn me to post then spend the day away from the computer.

Andrew and Eliado: Yes, clearly I don't have a solid grasp of Johnson's affinity for soccer, but after he sucked ass for my fantasy team last year I can't really be blamed for not continuing to consume everything there is to know about him. Also I don't have to defend reading Men's Health.

Danny: You are an idiot.

Goat said...


Sarah said...

Dusty Baker, ha. I'd feel sorry for the Reds but, well, I don't. They deserve each other.

Couldn't care less about the Bengals.

Paul Rodrigues said...

Before joining Manchester United the so called woss Ronaldo played for Sporting of Lisbon. There goes that theory !