Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Real Mouth of the South.

I was absolutely dumbfounded this morning when I saw the arrogant, ridiculous comments that Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon made yesterday. This clumsy, loud-mouthed arse clown really needs to learn when to keep his mouth shut. 16 Premier League chairman would love to help him do that, I am sure.

The forever attention seeking Kenyon thinks that clubs outside of the Premiership top 4 need to "get their houses in order" if the perceived lack of competition in the Premier League is to be addressed.

Un F------ believable. Where does this man find the balls? So how do you get your house in order? Well if you are Chelsea here's how...

1: Sell out to a billionaire owner.

2: Hike up the ticket prices and screw the fans who have been coming for years... Start by selling F.A Cup tickets to corporate 'fans' while the real ones line up on the street for 24 hours unaware that will be disappointed.

3: You spend, spend, spend! Spend aforementioned billionaire's money. Lots of it. Spend 578 million quid. In doing so, you over-inflate the market so other teams cannot compete with your billionaire's fantastical urges to taste victory.

4: You tap up young players that have signed for someone else so they go into hiding while you use your financial muscle to obtain the player and dispute his previous agreement with fancy high priced lawyers. Pay the kid more than your rival was offering and shower his dad with gifts. (allegedly!)

5: Be sure to pay the highest wages in the land for your new superstars. Out do all-comers and pay crazy wages for squad members who ride the bench. Pay top dollar for you megastars while they play in front of an old stadium filled with corporate arseholes who think Gianfranco Zola and Peter Osgood are on the pitch.

6: Sit back and watch as over 500 million quids worth of transfers, agent fees and wages choke spectacularly in the Champions League final after losing out on the Premier League title days earlier.

Kenyon's large mouth needs to be sewn shut. He is to football what Chemical Ali was to Saddam Hussein's Iraq.

Without a billionaire using your club as his personal plaything, the reality of "getting your house in order" involves paying bills based on income. Based of affordable wages and transfer fees financed with money from the gate, the club shop, local advertisers and from television appearances.

It also involves spending what you can afford and not threatening your clubs financial future by burdening it with debt. If you are Bolton and play to smaller gates in a small town, running your club sensibly, how can you possibly compete with a megalomaniac billionaire who sits in his luxury pulpit scanning the team sheet as I scan my fantasy baseball team online? It's simple...You cannot.

Kenyon is an irresponsible moron. A smarmy bald mouthpiece. His outbursts are an embarrassment to common sense an his harmful echolalia threatens every club in the country that manages on a budget supported by reason and business sense, without a billionaire to pay the bills! Kenyon lives in the World of pure fantasy. A world that Newcastle, West Brom and Stoke City know nothing of.

Peter Kenyon is so far removed from reality that his ginormous noise making funnel threatens grass roots football and small clubs in every town and city across the United Kingdom.

This northern monkey douche bag has no idea what football is about. Well Peter, put down your 10 quid cup of coffee and listen up.

It's about Hull reaching the Premiership.

It's about Reading reaching Europe. Barnsley making the semi of the F.A cup, remember that pal?.

It's about Yeovil with back to back promotion seasons.

It's about Jimmy Glass and Dean Windass.

It's about local heroes offering hope in return for a lifetime of loyalty, a concept that Chelsea's corporate crowd will never understand.

It's not about fantasy football for the self indulgent few who can afford to buy Kaka for their own personal kicks. It's about people. The people who spend their hard-earned money on the latest Doncaster Rovers shirt and the Charlton fans who scrape the pennies together so they can travel to Sheffield with their kids.

Its about a filled-to-capacity Carrow Road, a full London Rd and a full St James's Park. St James's Parks in Newcastle and Exeter. It's about kids believing in their local team and believing in the players that wear their badge. It is not about one man's desire for success, turning a football club in south London into a mere facade of what it really is and has been.

Chelsea's history is long gone. They are now just an emotionless entity that represents all that is wrong in football. They make a farce of the game by splashing several hundred million on the World's best players who play Champions League ties in front of 5000 empty seats that cant be given away over the radio.

Kenyon needs to get his own house in order and sell out Stamford Bridge for Champions League and League Cup games before opening that gaping hole in his face every 5 minutes to point out everyone else's problems.

If Abramovich died tomorrow, Chelsea would be done. They would not be able to buy the players, pay the wages and afford to wave their middle finger at the supporters they have shafted in recent times. They would need every dime. The players would be gone, the caviar-munching Zola watchers would be gone, the facade would be lifted and Chelsea FC would fall back to earth with a bump. The international shirt sales would decrease as glory chasers is the U.S and the Far East look for new winners.

If "getting your house in order" means risking 100 years of history, local pride and the collective passion and joy of a community then Kenyon can keep his house. Because it's one built on a foundation of bullshit instead of concrete.

- Bigus.


The Fan's Attic said...

Somebody went to the bathroom today only to discover too late that there was no more toilet paper.

Autoglass said...

Oy! Bigus, Kenyon is smarmy, no doubt. (Though somehow everyone failed to notice this when he was with Sainted United).

But Chelsea didn't start the wage race. Rich owners who don't balance the books are everywhere. And you're a friggin' Yankee fan.

Hate on! But I would submit that certainly your Canaries should heed Mr. Kenyon's advice and take responsibility for their own success. Somehow I doubt that you'll start by shipping back your Chelsea fullback.

Bigus Dickus said...

A fullback who will never get a chance at Stamford Bridge because you would rather spend 17 million on one...Yes I'd like to but him and I believe we have tried.

Auto..We have been here before mate..United have spent a fraction of the money Chelsea has on players in the last 4 years and for Kenyon to tell other clubs to get better when he is employed by a billionaire who cant win the CL with 587 million in a stadium wirth empty seats is laughable. How about a billionaire tax. You spend a certain amount and you have to kick down to the 72 league clubs. That sounds fair to me. maybe a salary cap. After all the Yankees have one. There IS a ceiling to their spending....Thank God!

Autoglass said...

Chelsea had to catch up with your beloved United. Just like the Red Sox had to catch up with your Yankees. You pick a recent slice of spending and ignore huge spending by United very recently.

Bottom Line: Every club competes with the resources they have and under the rules of competition. Roman is the richest, but there are a lot of rich owners spending a lot of cash. That's the game. If Roman disappeared, there would still be big clubs lapping the field with greater resources.

Bigus Dickus said...

Auto..Before Chelsea gave me a reason to loathe them I found plenty wrong with United.

Because I find Kenyon an outrageous moron I must love Man U? Because I debunked your claims that they spent as much on players (not close by 200 mil or so) to be utter hogwash I must love Man U?

I love football and hate to see fantasy football owners changing the face of the game for all. Small teams in small towns that Ambrahmovic has never heard of.

It's especially irritating when a jumped up little Manchester United fan becomes the C.E of Chelsea and starts to publically laugh at all the other teams in the country for not having a billionaire or for not crippling themselves with debt to compete.

To compete with a club that cannot fill the stadium for a C.L match. What a joke he and Chelsea have become. A Joke that chokes.

I would love to see a salary cap in the Prem, like the Yankees have to adhere to, and a spending cap . Maybe then Notts County fans can dream again.

Autoglass said...

Chelsea have destroyed Notts County. Otherwise they'd be right up there. I'm so very sorry.

I will send them a nice potted plant with a condolence card.

Bigus Dickus said...

...and thank you that's the exact reponse I expected from a Chelsea fan.

Drake said...

This may be a dumb question, but why exactly is it that the EPL (and other leagues for that matter) does not have a salary cap? I've followed European soccer for a while now and have never been able to figure this out. Have any leagues attempted a salary cap in the past or has the current "free market" system always been in place?

James P. Squirrelpants said...

What a bitter, jealous screed. Chelsea is doing nothing different than teams have been doing for 50 years. Were you outraged at the "inflated transfer prices" when Juventus offered to buy Puskas for £100,000 after the '52 Olympics? Do you think the luxury boxes at Old Trafford are somehow better or more "pure" than the ones at Stamford Bridge? Does Man Utd really spend a "fraction" of what Chelsea does when they have been on the buying end 3 of the biggest transfers of all time?

Also, there is no salary cap in the MLB, the Yankees can spend as much as they like (which they do). And guess what? Small market teams still compete rather well. Probably because these small market teams are run competently, unlike the EPL teams Kenyon points out.

The Fan's Attic said...

Big difference in MLB is that even if you suck, you won't get relegated and lose all the big time money.

The crappy clubs may be run "well" from a business sense in that they make money but that is only because of the corporate welfare from the "successful" clubs, i.e. Cubs, Red Sox, Yankees, Dodgers.

I also thought that Bigus was a Norwich fan...not a Manc United fan.

Mike Georger said...

bigus is going to kick the shit out of autoglass in the business park after school tomorrow

Bigus Dickus said...

They can spend as much as they want if they pay a luxury tax. Which they do. Also United may have splashed out on big transfers but they signed one or two, unlike Chelsea who sign seven or eight in the same amount of time. Also why not compare Rooneys fee for a long contract and a possible career at the club for a young player with the fee for Shevchenko at 30 years old. Inflating the market, Roman may as well of burned the cash inthe back yard. Squirrel pants..go and look at the cash spent on players by man U and Chelsea since Roman took over. It is not close.

But I think you have missed the point, I find the cheek and audacity of Kenyon the major problem here. You have all the resources in the world and blame clubs that run themselves sensibly for not competing with you. It's ridiculous and the focus of my annoyance.

By the way I am Norwich City supporter, we just told a billionaire to f--- off and you can ask anyone who knows me on here. I was rather happy about it. there is no jealousy here pal, I want my club run sensibly so it can last another 105 years.

Bigus Dickus said...

F.A. If I say anything about Chelsea I am branded a United fan.

Pathetic really..especially considering my greatest ever game to be at was a few years back when Ashton and McKenzie rippled the net to beat Man U 2-0 at Carrow Rd.

Up the City

Autoglass said...

Some of us give Bigus a hard time for his obsession with Chelsea and veneration for United's "proper" way of dominating the transfer markets and outspending everyone before Roman came around.

We posit that perhaps he wears United pajamas when no one can see. It's a joke, though. The man's hatred of Chelsea is, in fact, a facet of his love for Norwich.

strong like bull smart like tractor said...

Kenyon is an entitled mouthy douche. This from a Chelsea fan who remembers what the threat of relegation looks like. That said, the six-point plan that Bigus lists was being enacted by the big money clubs across Europe LONG before Abramovich showed up.