Friday, August 1, 2008

Championship Preview - Ip..Ip..Ip..Them.

Ipswich: Desolate town inhabited by rarely accepted mutants.


For those of you that are not familiar with the town of Ipswich I will help you along a bit with a brief history lesson.

Ipswich was founded in 1937 when a government transport tanker carrying nuclear waste accidentally hit a pot hole, swerved and overturned into a ditch. The tanker leaked and fire from the engine caused an almighty explosion that lit up the night sky for all to see. A no-go zone was created and scientists deemed the area to be extremely hazardous. Giant walls were immediately erected and the people behind the boundary were left to fend for themselves.

After 30 years scientists re-entered the disaster zone, which was named Suffolk after the suffocating smell that emanated from the area. Those brave scientists (later awarded M.B.E's) found that the entire population of the area had evolved into a new transmogrified breed of mutated humans.

Taking pity on the seemingly slow and unfortunate creatures a town was created for them to inhabit, and thus, Ipswich was born. Once the walls surrounding the town were removed in 1968, Suffolk 'folk' became victims of shocking abuse and prejudice from the rest of the country, stemming from fear of the unknown.

Map of Ipswich before the Wall was taken down.

Through Government assimilation, it was decided that the best thing to do to help the mutants of Ipswich fit in was to form a football club and allow them to enter the football league. Ipswich Town FC was formed. In 1969 the mutants of Ipswich kidnapped a successful manager named Bobby Robson. Not wishing to enter the town for fear of infection, Robson was sacrificed. He learned to tolerate the locals and actually won them the F.A Cup and the UEFA Cup. Robson was allowed to leave in 1982 to manage England, and was knighted by the Queen in 2002 for his bravery.



Today Ipswich compete in the Coca Cola Championship and have formed a fierce rivalry with the nearby (40 miles) mighty City of Norwich. When these two teams meet, the citizens of Norwich don face masks for fear of infection. Although clear of radiation, the face masks are a stark reminder and a taunt to Ipswich fans of their interesting history. A vaccine was actually administered to the entire country through the water supply in 1966 and since then Ipswich has been clear of infection.

Ipswich Town play in a desolate location in a make shift 'stadium' called Portman Road, and the ground itself was built on the site of the tanker spill. Although now safe, fumes still affect the area and the mutants seem to still suffer effects from these fumes when they are at the site. Symptoms include monkey-like behaviour on match days and a repetitive chanting that no one can understand. Usually there is a large amount of flag waving at Portman Rd as the locals make use of their 3rd and 4th arms.

Mighty Norwich City take on Ipswich Town.

So how will the team fare for its mutant people this year? Well last season chief mutant Marcus Evans bought the club. Evans is very wealthy and made his money selling nuclear waste to the government to be used by the Ministry of Defense.

Evans has started to spend money on the team. Towards the end of last season they signed talented midfielder David Norris, and this off-season they re-acquired born and bred mutant native Richard Wright. Wright had tried to fit in at top flight clubs throughout his career and failed miserably, never truly being accepted at Arsenal, Everton or West Ham.

Other notable signings this summer include Norwich and Colchester reject Kevin Lisbie. Lisbie scored just one goal for Norwich against Watford during a loan spell from Charlton in 2005, and was loaned 5 times beofre settling at Colchester. Ipswich will be his 8th club.

Ipswich also signed Gareth McAuley from relegated Leicester and Pim Balkestein from Heerenveen.

Outgoing players include Sylvan Legwinski, much hated loudmouth Fabian Wilnis, Shefki Kuqi(loan) and the aging Jason De Vos.

Rumor has it that Ipswich may ALSO spend 5 million on Portsmouth failure David Nugent. Nugent will do very well in the Championship, but 5 million for a player who scored 0 goals for Porstmouth after a 7 million pound move from Preston is ridiculous. Still, better their money than mine!

Ipswich supporters will fancy the playoffs this year, realistically they will finish in the bottom half of the table, where they really belong.


-Bigus.

5 comments:

Kopper said...

Good stuff.... You did forget that it's the males in Ipswich that bear their children. Much like seahorses.

Matt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Matt said...

In Ipshit (thats the real name of the town by the way), ya father is ya brother, and ya mother is ya sister - and everyone has an affliction, like a nasty twitch. It's actually how you tell people apart as each inbred abomination has an affliction unique to their rather dubious sounding "family". Funny lot really, they all seem to co-exhist quite happily in their stinkin sweaty shitpit of a town. Thats what happens when you keep it all in the "family" I guess.

Elmer Fudd said...

Congratulations obviously your carer has developed a crayon input to his computer.

I'm afraid your caption about the 'migt-be nobitch' gives away your blinkered position.

Bigus Dickus said...

Elmer fudd has just validated this post. Nice one scummer!