The Good, The Bad, The WTF

You know, for those of us who are American soccer fans, it's a pretty big day. A home match against rivals Mexico, and it's a World Cup Qualifier. What better time to take a look at a horror shirt from Mexico's past? Well, as you'll see, The Day of the Dead may have sufficed, but that's not until November.



There are times when playing up your country's heritage goes a bit too far. The rough equivalent of this shirt in the US would be a mural showing the Cherokee on the Trail of Tears with smallpox-laden blankets. Or maybe a Pacific Northwest totem pole. Either way, you'd need to give a sly wink to a culture that got killed off by the conquering forces that have rewritten local history over the past 300 years.

So yeah, the Mayan face isn't the best representation of a modern Mexico. But look at it. Aren't you a little scared? The face has his tongue out like a Maori doing the Haka. That's supposed to instill fear in the enemy. Or maybe this is just the death mask representation of the one of the losers of that Mayan game, kind of like basketball, where the losers reportedly got beheaded. Still, that's scary too. And fitting for Day of the Dead. But it's not Day of the Dead, so I have to stop using that reference. Unless you count Mexico getting slaughtered tonight. Then it can be Una Nueva Dia de los Muertos. I kind of like the sound of that, especially for SGE's career as Mexican coach.

OK, back to the shirt. Yes, it's bad, but it is done better than most. Instead of using a shiny sublimation for the contrast print, two shades of green are used. This does away with the need to view the shirt in the correct light to see what the manufacturer wants you to see. Also, it's a lot better done than the follow up.



Gah. This is simply hideous. The same company (something called ABA Sport) has taken the design and redone it so that it gives everyone a headache. If I had a guess, I would think that the company had hired Jorge Campos as color consultant. The nicest thing that can be said about this shirt is that Mexico is spelled correctly. Horrific stuff.

Now, for the denouement (if you consider the last 'graph to be climax), I'll gie my quick impression on tonight's game. First off, the weather isn't as bad as US Soccer would have hoped for in Columbus in February. The temperature will be in the 50s at kickoff, and there is a chance for rain. Not quite the 20s from the same fixture four years ago. As such, I have had to amend my initial prediction of a 3-0 US win to 2-1. Still, a win's a win, especially if you get the other team to fire their coach after the match.

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Who is the Fairest Derby of Them All?

The football derby (pronounced "darby" by those crazy Brits) is alternatively a source of great pride or great shame, depending on the tendencies of your club in said matches. However, regardless of which one of those particular emotions your team evokes, the derby is almost always a source of anger, confrontation, and shenanigans. After all, what is more fun than verbally abusing and physically beating the supporters of your rival club? With those thoughts in mind, an industrious South African sports reporter has delineated the Top 50 "World's Greatest Soccer Derbies" and the results are...interesting. There isn't enough time (or willpower) to dissect the entire list, but let's identify some of the more egregious decisions, shall we?


1. The first EPL derby mentioned is...Liverpool v. Manchester United? Umm, that's not an actual derby. The argument that "silverware is at stake" when these 2 clubs meet is also not entirely accurate, as Liverpool have not won the League in almost 2 decades and the last time they finished as high as 2nd was in 2001-2002 (sorry boys!)

2. The only other EPL derby listed is Arsenal-Tottenham (an actual derby! Yay!), which comes in at #42 on the list. This is behind such notable derbies as Rapid Wien v. Austria Wien, Raja Casablanca v. Wydad Casablanca, ALK Sotckholm v. Djurgardens, Kaizer Chiefs v. Orlando Pirates, Pirouzi v. Esteghlal, and Al Ahly v. Zamalek. Umm, who with the what, now?

3. The vaunted(?) Marseille v. Paris Saint-Germain derby comes in at #11. Again, not an actual derby, and the explanation makes almost no mention of PSG other than to note that they were formed in 1970 (which is not entirely accurate, since "Stade Saint-Germain" first played as a club in 1904).

4. Many of the derbies (real or otherwise) mentioned on the list are simply put there due to their average attendance. Apparently, Mohun Bagan v. East Bengal draws a crowd of 120,000 to Salt Lake Stadium in Calcutta, India, while Pirouzi v. Esteghlal play in Tehran, Iran in front of 90,000.

5. No mention of MLS' "Superclasico" of Chivas USA v. LA Galaxy? (alright, that one's forgiveable)

I found some of the derbies interesting, and it was nice to get a little background on clubs playing footy where 99% of us will never see a league match (in person or on TV), but the list overall seemed a little haphazard. Are we discussing interesting matchups or actual derbies in the accepted sense of the word? Are we trying to highlight one important match from every country (within reason), or are we haphazardly selecting whatever strikes our fancy?


Anyway, some suggestions for derbies (actual ones) that should have been highlighted:

1. Lyon v. Saint-Etienne - Separated by only 30 miles, this is a true derby and features the top 2 clubs, historically, in Ligue 1. Lyon has won 7 titles (all in a row), while Saint-Etienne has won 10 (mostly in the 1960s-1970s, and with a stint in Ligue 2 for brief periods in the 1980s and 1990s)

2. Liverpool v. Everton - The blue and red Scouse stare at each other across the park for the entire season, and twice a year (at least) they come together in nightmarish fashion. The only benefit of this match is that since both clubs are still in town, their players rarely have their homes robbed

3. Hearts v. Hibernian - The Edinburgh derby has all of the Old Firm derby panache with relatively little of the religious angst of Celtic v. Rangers.

4. Juventus v. Torino - This is class warfare, plain and simple. You could spend a month in certain parts of Torino and never know that a team besides Juventus played there. But stroll down the side-paths and less-travelled roads in the city and it is the smaller club that is preferred.


What do you all think of the original list? What about my suggestions? Any suggestions of your own?

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GUEST POST: CAPTION WINNER

Finally, we honor our promises at UF and slap up the guest post from the most recent caption competition winner, whose wit has earned him the key to UF Towers.

Take it away, "Private", you mysterious devil you. The floor is yours.



Having never written for a blog before, I fear I've created something rambling, at times a bit off point, and most certainly self-serving. It will include futbol, football, and basketball references, and for that, my apologies.

There was no definitive event or news to point to as inspiration, other than a brief conversation with a friend as to the merits of the Cowboys having TO on their team. It was through that lens that I started to think about the psyche of the current fan as it relates to childhood allegiances and rivals, and the disruptive world of transfers.

After the debacle at the Emirates on Saturday, I'm thankful I grew up in the US and had the opportunity for some redemption as a sports fan on Sunday. To beat the Cowboys and set off the inevitable TO implosion and firing of Wade Phillips certainly made the weekend more palatable. And this got me thinking - how important is hating your rivals in the overall construct of supporting your team?

To illustrate, let's look at Ashley Cole and Chelsea. I can't tell you if hell exists, but I can tell you that if it does the ninth circle is somewhere beneath Stamford Bridge or Old Trafford.

Before splurging on my own TV for the 2002 World Cup, I used to go down to Lucky Bar in DC to watch games most every weekend. There was literally ONE Chelsea fan there and he always polite, well mannered, and just there to enjoy his team in anonymity. I often went with one of my college friends (a Liverpool fan) and we befriended him because we really couldn't care less about the Blues. There was little risk in inviting him to sit at our table.

It's amazing what six years and 500 million pounds will do.

I hate the team, their fans, their shithole of a stadium and most everything else about them. Now when you go to Lucky Bar for a Chelsea match, there are dozens upon dozens of complete d-bags that claim to be supporters. If one of them tried to sit at my table now, the chance of me stabbing him with a fork is significantly greater than zero.

So what about Ashley Cole? While the best left-back in the world at Arsenal, he was never truly an Arsenal player. Putting aside his talent, he's a complete tosser that was always more concerned with himself than the club and it was good to see him go. And it makes it somehow more enjoyable that he went to fucking Chelsea.

If Cole had fucked off to Spain or Italy, I probably would never have thought twice about him. But because he went to Chelsea, I get the benefit of cursing at him and repeatedly calling him a c*nt at least twice a season, while holding a useless but incredibly satisfying grudge against him just for his general demeanor and lack of good taste.

I'm just not sure I would find him so loathsome if he went to Juventus.

On the flip side, in this world of star promotion it's difficult to be a fan of a sport and not develop some sort of affinity for players that you admire on other teams. And so, it's incredibly disappointing when players you like go to teams you hate. Essien to Chelsea. Tevez to Man U. Garnett to the Celtics.

Of course, it is possible that your ire towards a player's new club may in fact change the way you feel about said player - i.e. Berbatov. Yes, Spurs are technically our greatest rival, but I doubt there are too many Gooners left that get more pumped up for a trip to WHL than OT. When he was a yid, I loved him. Loved the way he played, his sublime touch, his perceived indifference to everything around him.

But the first time I saw him in that red fucking jersey with AIG on the front I immediately started to believe all of the horrible things that have been said about him and more. Now I can't stand him. But Tevez? Essien? As long as they aren't scoring goals against Arsenal, I generally block out in my mind the team they play for and simply enjoy them for the fantastic footballers they are. What makes them different? I have no idea.

That's one of the great things about an emotion as strong as hate: it's completely irrational. Why do I dislike Barcelona more now that they took Henry away, but when Bobby picked up his glorious boots and headed south he took a piece of my allegiance with him to Villarreal? At least we got money from Barcelona. Who knows?

The point is, Ronaldo playing at Man U, Terry and Lampard playing for Chelsea, Romo and TO at the Cowboys; all are necessary to keep the rivalry fresh and alive. In some ways it was disappointing not hating the fact that the Celtics won this year, simply because that meant a player I've watched since he was in high school finally got the ring he deserved. Yet the joy that I got from a) Ronaldo shitting the bed and b) Chelsea not winning fuck-all because Terry proved what a donkey he is was priceless. In the absence of your own team doing well (I keep telling myself four years really isn't that long), the next best thing is watching the teams or players you hate fail and suffer.

Every time Ronaldo takes a deep breath, puffs up his chest while standing over a free kick, and then promptly launches it into the twenty-second row it genuinely makes me smile. And when he does connect in the way only he can and it dips and swerves and deposits itself in the net somewhere behind the dumbfounded keeper, I can still tell myself he's a preening, self-absorbed, diving little twat that just got lucky.

Support of your team is one thing. Hating your rivals is something else altogether.

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Take That Off!!!

This pictorial evidence of the bad blood within the Texas classico comes after our earlier post regarding Will Farrell’s discerning taste in apparel.

The fact is that the very sight of certain shirts can elicit a surprisingly strong and reflexive reaction within many of us. Who amongst us has not had their heart drop upon walking into a barbeque and discovering a good friend’s son decked out in some Arsenal rag?

Who hasn’t struck up a conversation with an airport passerby sporting the yellow of Norwich or some other rarely seen specimen? Who doesn’t judge the wearer on the flimsy basis of their choice of Bandwagon Red, whether it be of the Manchester or Merseyside variety?

After the jump, a tour of this Blue’s visceral reactions...

Of course, I’m going to start with the Gunners. I just joined the stable of a Blog that should arguably be renamed Unprofessional Arse. I can guarantee that this post will be tagged with "Douchebags in Chelsea Shirts." [Ed. Note: hey, I'm here to fulfill that guarantee!]

I understand the Haters.

In short, I have a number of good friends who support the Arse. Hirshey is kind enough to never wear Gunner colors, but many of them can’t resist outfitting themselves in a shirt fully 5x too large to be worn by an actual Arsenal player. I see the shirt, and bile rises within me. No matter if they’ve helped me move or bought me pints when I’m short... I hate them then. I’ve gotten in arguments with 8-year-old boys wearing the damned things. You just have to walk up them and make a snide-ass comment, doncha? Yo! Put down the Montrachet, ya prancing ponce! This dude has put down his burgundy and is rockin’ OUT!

The Red of United or Liverpool doesn’t get as much of a rise out of me. I mean, it’s not likely that Floyd Mayweather here, or the dog, or your typical United or Liverpool wearer, really has invested much in the game. They got the shirt because of the history, because United and Liverpool are the Yankees and Cowboys of English football. I would venture to say that, globally, United shirt-wearers watch fewer minutes of actual football than the wearers of any other shirt. Most American Liverpool supporters actually think the Reds could win the Prem some day. How much football could they possibly be watching? So you think, "sigh, well, the shallow fans come with the growth of the game in the States, don’t they? I suppose that’s good."

I came VERY close to putting up a picture of my seven-year old in his Chelsea shirt. I thought better of that. But this is someone’s son. Sure, you say, Chelsea is the new bandwagon. But while wearing Chelsea isn’t quite as controversial as wearing Lazio, it’s hardly an easy choice to wear the shirt of a side that about everyone hates for xenophobic, anti-semitic, or plain spiteful, jealous reasons, is it? Anyhoo, I see a young lad in Blue and it makes me smile. Then I ask him who his favorite player is. (my son’s is Joe Cole).

QPR shirts in Chicago! I love seeing folks in QPR, or Wolves, or Ipswich, or Nottingham Forest shirts. I have a good friend who wears West Brom. Instant conversation! Always something to discuss. And they’ll likely know the game. And their happy you asked after their shirt since they can go days without anyone recognizing it. Makes you want to sing Small World, eh?

These guys? Run. Just run. Why? I can think of five good reasons right off the top of my head. Anyway, don’t make eye contact. Just move along and go home and hug your wife.

What about you? What are your Rorschach Shirts? What sends you into a spittle-spraying rage? What makes you immediately buy the wearer a pint?

Let us know in the comments.

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