The Suze Orman Show: Football Edition

Some of you may be familiar with Suze Orman. Flip on CNBC any evening or weekend and she's the loud-mouthed blonde with the Meredith Baxter (formerly Baxter-Birney... sad that I know there's a difference) haircut. Despite her volume control problems, Ms. Orman is knowledgeable enough with the personal finances and devotes a portion of her TV show trying to talk financially-retarded Americans from plunking down $30K for a life-size replica of the 'Lost in Space' robot or some other glue-sniffing-inspired purchase. (seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people?)

With transfer fees on a continuous climb -- summer in and summer out -- it's time for ol' Suze to take a break from helping IRA-challenged rubes (the Roth-type, dummy) in order to apply her talents to the world of international football.

Cue an overly orange Suze sitting behind her desk, ready to pounce.

Welcome back to the Suze Orman show... On the phone with us now is Ramon from Madrid. HELLO Ramon, what is it that you want to buy?

Hello? Hello? Suze?

Yes, Ramon. I'm here. Turn down your TV and talk to me on the phone. What is it that you want to buy?

Yes, Suze. What I have my eye on is a thing of beauty, the brightest jewel that outshines them all!

You want to buy a jewel? Is it for your wife? Let me tell you, Ramon, us girls LOVE OUR JEWELRY!!! So, what is it? A diamond? DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND. But, if you buy your wife one, you'll be a close second!

**annoying laugh**

No no no no no. It is not a piece of jewerly. It is the best footballer in the world. The boy who would look splendid in white.

I'm sorry, Ramon. I thought we were talking about diamonds, but you want TO BUY A PERSON?

Not just a person, the best footballer in the world. Cristiano Ronaldo.

Oh... Well... How much does a Cristiano Ronaldo cost?

Well, he is not for sale. Yet, I would say no club could resist an offer of 76 million Euros!

76 MILLION EUROS!! THAT'S ALMOST 120 MILLION DOLLARS! Ramon! **slaps the table** RAMON! 120 MILLION DOLLARS? Unbelievable. **rolls her eyes** Now, can you actually afford this?

We can afford whatever we please. Although, the true price would likely be 90 million Euros.

150 million dollars!! RAMON, ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF? The price just WENT UP IN TWENTY SECONDS!!! How about your debt? What does the club owe? What kind of assets does it have?

Assets? We are the world's most important club. Real Madrid is second to nobody. We can buy whatever we want whenever we want. Real Madrid will not be denied.

Now, Ramon. Madrid is beautiful. I LOVE SPAIN. TAPAS!!! YUM!!! But, how can you justify spending that kind of money on one player? What if he doesn't kick the ball like you want him to?

He does not kick the ball, he caresses the ball and makes the ball do his bidding. Ronaldo will perform. There is no doubt.

IT'S 150 MILLION FOR ONE PLAYER!! Can he really make that much of a difference? Will you win your championship now?

Actually, we stood triumphant in La Liga last season.

I fail to see how this is a wise investment, Ramon. And, how will this go over with your other players? Are they all this expensive? Do you spend like this often? TELL ME RAMON, HOW MANY OF PLAYERS COULD YOU BUY WITH THE MONEY YOU WANT TO SPEND NOW?

I do not know. I am not good with the simple math. But, it is of no regard. Manchester United will not sell him to me. They say he is not for sale. I cannot accept this. He is not a slave.

Yet, you want to buy him like one?

Only to free him.

Well, Ramon, I don't know what to tell you. YOU CAN'T BUY WHAT'S NOT FOR SALE! Are you listening to me? Now, go buy your wife some jewelry!

Yes, you are right. I should pay 100 million Euros for him. Thank you for endorsement of my idea, Suze.