Frank Rijkaard Sure Knows How to Make a Girl Feel Good

Who ate all the Feijoadas? Ronaldo (left) or Ronaldinho (right)?

If you've known a girl for more than 10 seconds, you know the question's coming sooner or later - "Do I look fat?"

The answer is always, always, always, "No, you look great." Do not pause, not even for a second, lest she thinks you had to think about it. Don't qualify or embellish, opening yourself up to a follow-up question. And whatever you do, don't compare her to someone else - you're just digging yourself a hole there. She'll think either, (a) "Why did he bring her up? Does he think she's prettier than me?" or (b) "Why did he call her fat? What a dick!" Completely irrational, I know, but that's how girls think, and there's no way you can win. Of course, Frank Rijkaard never learned this lesson, and answers the question, "Is Ronaldinho too fat?" with "Oh no, but you know who's fat? Ronaldo!"

Good lord, that has to be the back-handiest compliment/defense ever. Also according to Rijkaard:

Adriano doesn't have a drinking problem. George Best, now there's an alcoholic!

Fulham isn't having a bad season. Derby, now there's a team staring relegation in the face!

Jamie Lynn Spears isn't trashy. Britney, now there's an unfit mother!

Right about now, at a restaurant in Barcelona, Rijkaard's frantically trying to explain that he didn't mean anything by it, while Ronaldinho refuses to take a bite out of his dinner. They can be so weird.

Ronaldinho image from Getty Images