Corona + Soccer = Crazy Delicious Lame

If someone were to drop the phrase "ultimate fan experience" I'm thinking that I might be getting an invite to the next Man U Christmas party. Hell, save for the fact that I'm not one of the top strikers in the EPL, I've got better game than Wayne Rooney (Seriously, dude, those are the pickup lines you can get away with when you're a world class footballer?). And I don't look like the groin stomping older brother of the 'Free to Be You and Me' babies.

Instead "ultimate fan experience" is how Murdoch's Globochem Soccer Channel is pimping their viewing parties. Co-sponsored by Corona, the network is throwing these at soccer watching bars around the country.


By sheer coincidence, there happened to be said viewing party at Ginger's in Chicago last Saturday (January 19, 2007). Ginger's Ale House holds the distinction of being America's "#1 Soccer Bar" from 2003-2005 (as voted by US Soccer). Perhaps the fact they are both in Chicago has helped stack the deck in their favor, but Ginger's is a perfectly good place to watch games. Three rooms, lots of TVs, and I have yet to arrive at an hour too early for them to be serving alcohol.

That's batting 1.000 in my book.

When I checked the Web to see what time the Gunner's kicked, Ginger's site made mention of the Fox Soccer Viewing Party. "Okay, cool, maybe some soccer schwag and cheap beer both being handed to me by chicks in bikinis." I'm not opposed to some spring in Springfield before 10 am on a Saturday.

I'm going to go watch the Gunners regardless. Any freebies on top are just that: freebies on top.

When I walked in, there was absolutely zero sign that there was anything to distinguish this from any other weekend of fútbol watching. No signs, no people in crazy sombreros, no overly hot girls be used as currency solely for the purpose of getting me to order a beer I probably wouldn't otherwise.

Instead about halfway through the second half of the matches (United and Chelsea were on simultaneously in the other two rooms) some mid-thirties guy opened up a cardboard box and dropped the above-pictured bottle openers on my and most everyone else's table. He actually dropped five, but I only took three (something about being greedy).

About 10 minutes later some douchebag came out of the back room and asked the guy if he was giving away free beer. In all fairness, I never actually met the guy, but I'm comfortable in saying he was a douchebag because he was sporting a Chelsea jersey.

About five minutes later I saw the same guy drinking a Corona. I don't know if he got it bough for him by the churchkey master or not. But that was the extent of the "ultimate fan experience" as it took place at Ginger's.

Truth be told, most such "parties" are usually pretty lame, but at least the alcohol company in charge has the good sense to hire busty bimbettes in skimpy clothes to hand out their schwag. So even when it comes to sexist exploitation of women for the purposes of whoring products, soccer in America is still pretty much on the last rung of the chain.

On the other hand, you have to give either FSC or Corona credit, it almost takes effort to produce something that lame.