We're bad at prognostication. It comes with the blogging territory; after all, if we were good at this stuff, we'd have cashed in our Blogspot aliases and joined Miss Cleo's merry traveling band of 1-800 crystal ball carriers and fairground fortune tellers.
And so, the Confederations Cup is finally here on Sunday. We've previewed all the teams and all the individuals involved, so it's time to make some bigger guesses about what'll actually happen. Then, when we liveblog the action from start to finish, you can tell us how misguided we were in every single comments section.
Who's Winning This Mickey Mouse Thing, Anyway?
Folks are well and truly divided. The fashionable ones among us (u75, Spectator, Autoglass, NY Kid, Likely Lad and yours truly) are siding with the Spaniards. After all, they provide most of the world's costliest players, so why not? All eyes on La Liga when it comes to fancy transfers and big, big money.
Precious Roy fancies the hosts South Africa to pull off some pre-WC magic/witchcraft, while Fan's Attic chooses the Brazilians to thrive. Nuttiest of all, Ian raised his head from a bunch of finance books to offer an Egypt tournament victory, although it's not too outrageous. They're a low-key, well-organized team with the benefit of being picked from mostly two clubs (El-Ahly and Ismaily), a formula that worked nicely for Turkey in the Euros and Greece in Euro '04.
On the sarcastic side, Bigus thinks the winners will be countries who said South Africa can't hold a tournament, whatever that means.
Pass Me a Brown Paper Bag, Lest I Hyperventilate
For shocks, opinions are divided into two camps: those expecting single-game upsets, and those fancying a dark horse or two escaping the group round.
On the 90 minute tip, u75 reckons the USMNT can shake off some dire recent form to topple the Azzurri, and Precious Roy is sticking with his South Africa love over the Spaniards. Not entirely unreasonable.
The real fun is reserved for those looking at the bigger picture. Ian and Spectator think Brazil will dilly-dally and fail to qualify for the semi-finals (Spectator foresees a similar fate for Italy), and I think Iraq will survive Group A. Looking to incite rage among our hardcore USMNT supporters, Autoglass thinks the US will fail to get any results, whereas the rosy-tinted brain of The Likely Lad reckons that same Yankee Doodle Collective will advance out of their group.
The NY Kid and Bigus Dickus take a tongue-in-cheek approach: the former predicts that Bob Bradley will murder Rossi, while Bigus thinks that every single player in the tournament will avoid two of South Africa's primary exports, robbery and murder.
Top Players!
Finally, things get more uniform, and divvied between the usual suspects.
Kaka, BRA - u75, Autoglass, Fan's Attic
Pato, BRA - Precious Roy
Xabi Alonso, SPA - Spectator
Xavi, SPA - Likely Lad
David Villa, SPA - The NY Kid, Ian
Robinho, BRA - Lingering Bursitis
"Gilberto Silva at the card table" - Bigus Dickus (can you tell he put the effort in?)
Top Scorers!
Rossi (the bastard), ITA - u75
Pato, BRA - Precious Roy
David Villa, SPA - Ian, Spectator
Fernando Torres, SPA - Autoglass, Fan's Attic, The NY Kid
Mohamed Zidan, EGY - Lingering Bursitis
Robinho, BRA - Likely Lad
Miscellaneous
The Likely Lad, while killing time until his heroin dealer turned up, added two more categories despite not being asked to.
Top Twitterer - Freddy Adu
Best/Worst Obnoxious Italian Pleading Face - Luca Toni
So there you have it! The fun begins this weekend, and we'll be covering it all (as if I didn't say that earlier): liveblogs, wrap-ups, gossip, etc. I mean, what else will we do until mid-August?
Give us your predictions in the comments!
Winners-
Biggest Shock-
Best Player-
Top Scorer-
Any exposition or other awards are welcome, too.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Your Big, Shiny, Friendly Confederations Cup Preview
Thursday, June 4, 2009
What went wrong and why it hurts
Despite what we may have hoped and what LB believed (forgive him, he's been a bit busy), last night's game was a World Cup qualifier and not a meaningless friendly. So then, it's with wounded pride that some of our American contingent share their thoughts on the shitshow that was last night's Costa Rica-USA match. See if you can spot some themes.
Autoglass was the first to chime in (I know! We never hear from him!), and therefore gets to take the lead. Enjoy them all.
Autoglass
OK, I'm fucking pissed off.
That was a ridiculous, gutless, unprepared, lazy-ass effort. Utterly unacceptable. Bradley should be fired immediately. I don't care if you have to play under fucking water or while being shot at, Costa Rica is ranked 41st in the world and we’re supposed to be top 15 . We're supposed to be a rising power? As Bigus would say...HAHAHAHAHA!!! You don't go to fucking Costa Rica and embarrass yourself.
Gulati is an idiot. We never should have picked Bradley. We'll never fucking learn. We are making no progress. Negative progress. Our best player plays for the fucking Galaxy. The rest of this lot sit on assorted lower division benches (except for my man Super Clint...and
he sucked ass tonight as well).
It makes me insane to think that we are a year from the typical World
Cup hype. How the US can do well. Then we shard ourselves and it reflects badly on the game. US Soccer would be better run by Relegation Zone Mikey.
Dire. A shower. Embarrassing. Unacceptable. This past Saturday, I was at Wembley. Setting aside Chelsea’s beautiful play, let’s focus on overmatched Everton. They worked their asses off in front of the very same keeper, and to the very end of thegoddamn match. In that context, tonight's display just guts me. We have no character, no tactics, no fucking clue as to how to build a competitive program in the game I so dearly love.
It started with El Salvador. We could well lose to Honduras on Saturday. No disrespect to our neighbors to the south, but THESE ARE CENTRAL AMERICAN COUNTRIES!!!! They are practically city-states! Costa Rica were better on every level tonight. We have every goddamned kid in this country playing youth soccer. How does this happen?
The Confederations Cup will be a blood bath. Which makes me happy. At least Sunil can't pretend we're any good. I hope fucking Egypt beats us 4-nil.
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Spectator collated his thoughts that he put on Twitter.
One bad game does not make or break anything, but tonight exposed all of the USMNT's weaknesses. They've plateaued over the last six months and if they have any hope of success at the next World Cup (and I would define success as making the knockout stage), they need a new
coach. Bradley has done a good job pulling things together after the WC2006 debacle but he is clueless how to take the team to the next level. The Beasley experiment at leftback is a failure, and Bradley has done a terrible job of identifying potential starters.
The ESPN commentators kept talking about the US team's strength being its defense, but to me that's always been the worst part of their game. Bocanegra and Gooch are mediocre at best, and starting Wynne and Beasley over someone like Spector is just confounding.
I'd like to see what someone like Klinsmann could do with this team. Not saying that the USMNT has enough talent to do anything special, but they need to model themselves after teams like Australia or Egypt -- gritty, committed, and playing to strengths. For the US, that is using speed
and counterattacking. Of course, I fear that it'll just be more of the same going forward because there is a total lack of vision for this team, starting with Sunil and going down the line.
The way that the US was beat on those three goals was terrible marking and spacing. That's down to bad preparation and a failure of coaching, plain and simple. I'm willing to wait and see what kind of reaction there is after this one, but no matter the scoreline if there's another mediocre couple performances all the blame goes to Bradley.
Last thoughts: the US... A few good role players (Dempsey, Howard, Landycakes), a few decent prospects (Altidore, Edu, Bradley, Adu on a good day), lots of mediocre and over-the-hill players. What they are most lacking are leaders.
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The NY Kid
A complete shitshow. Anyone remember Project 2010 (that spawned the Generation Adidas program), designed to make the US a threat to win WC 2010? Playing this we are going to get killed in the Confederations Cup this month and we have no shot of even making it out of the group stage in 2010. This lineup was a complete joke - the Bradley nepotism era needs to come to an end, as Michael is far more competent at getting carded than anything else; the DMB at LB experiment is a clear failure; on the big stage Landycakes once again comes up empty (sorry, the PK that you had nothing to do with doesn't count); the substitutions were a failure (why would you take off Torres?).
We can argue about whether Howard should have started at GK given the short turn-around from (and disheartening - for him - result of) the FA Cup, but in his position I would have been screaming my head off at that bullshit defense. Gooch can be imposing, but he tends to get lost; despite his strong start in Ligue 1, the end of the season has clearly demonstrated that Bocanegra is getting a little long in the tooth.
Players I would much rather see in the lineup: (1) defense - Spector, Bornstein, Demerit; (2) midfield - Gavin and Rogers; (3) striker - Cooper. Bradley's team selection has been consistently baffling, and I think it's time for a new direction. It's easy to say that he should be gone if we finish anywhere other than 1st in qualifying, but that doesn't leave much time for the new gaffer to get things going for WC 2010. A loss or draw on Saturday, and Bradley has to go.
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Precious Roy
That was bad.
No shame in losing at Costa Rica. The Ticos are almost unbeatable at home. And playing on green concrete doesn't make things any easier for opponents.
The way we lost, however, was an embarrassment. On every level we were outclassed, 0utworked and outplayed by Costa Fucking Rica. There's aren't even any "Yeah, but..." positives to take away. "Yeah but we broke out scoreless streak in San Jose." Bullshit, we got a meaningless PK in second half stoppage time. It was a shellacking.
Preparation—personnel and formation—decisions fall squarely on Bob Bradley; but the effort from the players was equally as poor. Still, it's time for Gulati to start thinking about Plan B (if he even has one). We've taken one point from the last six in qualifying. That's not good.
Last night is done. Spilled milk and all. And at this point I'm more interested in how the USMNT responds. If we lose to Honduras Saturday, Bradley should be jobless on Sunday. If he goes to South Africa for the Confederations Cup after a home loss in qualifying, he'll be taken an unorganized squad that had been drained of any confidence and will be free-point fodder for the rest of our group.
A win on Saturday, that might almost be worse from a longer-term perspective. Gulati will think all is well and Bradley is still the right man for the job. He's not. He's done a good job to this point. Or maybe to some point a few months ago. In the wake of the last World Cup he's stabilized the USMNT but these guys are regressing and younger talent isn't developing. No way to look at last night and think anything else.
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Ian
The sad thing is, even if we lose at home this weekend, and then fall on our faces in South Africa, I still don't think its enough to get Bradley fired. This isn't like Europe where you would have every newspaper in the country calling for his head. There is no pressure on the federation or Sunil to make a change unless the team really screws up and is in danger of not qualifying. I'm pretty sure they are happy just feeding the bullshit line to clueless mainstream journos who pay attention once every four years that this is the World Cup where the team finally "takes the next step." Even though in reality they are content with just showing up.
Also I think its time to say that our Golden Generation of prospects is turning out to be underwhelming. Freddie can't even see the bench at Monaco, Jozy can't play for a second division side in Europe, and Bradley put up one of the flukiest seasons ever two years ago in Holland. And looking down the line, I'm not sure who we have waiting in the wings that is capable of doing much. I really like Torres and think he he should play more, but other than that I'm pretty uninspired. WTF ever happened to Danny Szetela, anyways?
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The Fan's Attic
I watched about ten minutes of the match and I have never been happier that my wife forced me to watch So You Think You Can Dance. There were more laughers in that match by US in those ten minutes than your average Judd Apatow flick. There were more US missteps than the George W. Bush administration. The lineups made as much sense as Joaquin Phoenix's career change. The backline was a soft as Kim Kardashian's. Remember, I only watched ten minutes.
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ü75
I saw the 3-4-3 and I had such high expectations. The problem is that I did not pay attention to the personnel. Neither did Bradley, I think, and the end result is what we all saw. Let's look at the personnel decisions.
Tim Howard is undoubtedly the number 1 for the US, but he just played a pretty big game on a pretty hot day in London. And lost. So he couldn't have been in the best mindset for the long (and slower) east to west flight. Not to blame for the first two goals, but his positioning was terrible in the third. Perhaps starting Guzan would have been better? Brad would have been rusty, though, so that's probably a wash.
Marvell Wynne, Oguchi Onyewu, Carlos Bocanegra, Demarcus Beasley
The painful back four. Wynne's strengths are his leaping and speed. Neither helped tonight. Plus, he has not been playing for Toronto in the last couple of weeks because of injury.
Onyewu has always been the big central back who sometimes gets lost. No change in Costa Rica.
For a captain, Bocanegra was mostly invisible. He had an early-season renaissance at Rennes, but this was a guy who got deep benched by Hodgson at Fulham last season. Maybe the European season is too long for him?
The less said about Beasley the better. His touch was awful. He hasn't featured for fucking Rangers in months. A very, very odd choice for left back.
The center two are ultimately hard to quibble with, but both had off games. Wynne was out of his depth. TFC have tried to get anything out of him by putting him up front recently. Should not have even been selected.
Pablo Mastroeni, Michael Bradley, Jose Franciso Torres
Torres bailed out on defending the first goal. Mastroeni then fell down. Boom, 1-0. A disastrous start possibly caused because two players who are not used to each other thrown into playing a system they are not familiar with at this level. That's down to coaching and selection.
Torres played very well, once he settled down. At 21, and with only two previous USMNT matches under his belt, he needed that time to settle. Too bad that by the time he did, it was 2-0.
The pairing of Mastroeni and Bradley works best with at least four in the middle. Both are holding/defensive minded and need a sparkling offensive middie to advance the ball. Tonight that should have been Landycakes, but no, Donovan was up top.
Landon Donovan, Clint Dempsey, Jozy Altidore
We love Jozy. He's the Haitian Sensation, after all. But the only playing time he has had in '09 is for the USMNT. Xerez, the second division Spanish club, did not see fit to put him on the pitch. Plus, he just had toe surgery. He should have been, at best, a late sub.
Did Deuce play? No American is more exciting when on his game, nor more frustrating when off. Dempsey, more than most, benefits from good link up play through the midfield. There was no chance of that last night.
Let's face it. Landon is a middling player. He can do wonders, but will also lose the ball from benign defending. At least he didn't blow the PK.
Sacha Kljestan, Freddy Adu, Charlie Davies
Kljestan subbed in for Torres at the half and disappeared. He was winded by the 70th when he meekly let Herrera around him to score the third goal of the night.
Since we have all been following NYK's France reports, we know Adu has not played in forever either. It showed.
Davies has heart, according to Lalas. I just say he is dirty. Should have been sent off within two minutes of being in the pitch for a petulant kick to the nuts.
It's not the end of the world. We probably should not have expected even a point from Costa Rica. The problem is the way the US lost. It was a flat effort of a confused team. Where that blame lies, well, you can probably guess how we feel. This is a team hampered by their own
country's lack of a decent league, by injuries, by inactivity and by the calendar.
Saturday needs to be a bounce back. Three points will put the US halfway home with 10 points. Good, but not great. A draw, and the US is starting to sweat. A loss would mean that the US likely wakes up Thursday in fourth place. I say a loss or a draw and Bradley has to be gone. For now, replacement should be on the table anyway.
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Anyway, those are our collective takes on the game last night. Now, watch out for Bigus to come into the thread and make fun of us all for gnashing our teeth over a loss to Costa Rica. Just remind him of Croatia at Wembley and he might pipe down.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
CL Preview, 2nd Leg: Barcelona cometh
Frank Lampard: excited. Possibly suffering from lockjaw.When flair and class descends on the Stamford Bridge grass, we must hope and pray it doesn't end in 0-0 again. After all, the other semi-final provided way more goals than I expected (sorry, Gooners), so it seems criminal and unfair that a match involving Barcelona, scorer of 156,413 goals this season (at least 91,673 of those provided by Lionel "God" Messi), should give us nil-nil over 90+ difficult Nou Camp minutes.
What say you, folks? How about more dumb reasons why either side might win?
LB
WHY CHELSEA WILL WIN
- Lampard/Drogba in good form
- Far better at grinding out 1-0 wins than Barca
WHY BARCA WILL WIN
- Away goals, baby! Just need one
- They have a La Liga defense... nuff said
NY Kid
WHY CHELSEA WILL WIN
1. The French tandem of Anelka and Malouda [Ed. Note: He's totally kidding]
2. Abramovich and the Russian mafia want it that way
WHY BARCA WILL WIN
1. Titi, Messi and Eto'o are unstoppable up top
2. Pep Guardiola dresses nicer than Guus Hiddink
Autoglass
WHY CHELSEA WILL WIN
1. Full squad, in form, at home vs. Puyol and Marquez out.
2. Hiddink shut them down at the Nous Camp, this hasn't been done.
WHY BARCA WILL WIN
1. Barca remindes us in Madrid that they are the rampant side in Europe this season, the first leg aside.
2. Messi, Eto'o and Titty can't be held for 180 minutes, can they?
Spectator
WHY CHELSEA WILL WIN
- Because the football gods want a soul-crushing Man U-Chelsea final
WHY BARCA WILL WIN
- Because the football gods exist
The Fan's Attic
WHY CHELSEA WILL WIN
Michael Essien
WHY BARCA WILL WIN
Xavi
Precious Roy
WHY CHELSEA WILL WIN
The Baby Jesus hates me.
WHY BARCA WILL WIN
They'll probably get some room to operate as Chelsea can't play for a goalless draw again (unless they want to put their fate on EBJT's penalty-taking foot again)
Read more on "CL Preview, 2nd Leg: Barcelona cometh"...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
CL Preview, 2nd Leg: now with bullet points!
Champions League.
Arsenal.
Manchester United.
Beautiful football.
Satanism.
Nicklas Bendtner.
John O'Shea.
Something has to give, right?
We all know the deal: Arsenal host the Lancastrian baby-eaters who hold a 1-0 lead from the 1st Leg (that could easily have been 4-0 were it not for the bleach-blond brilliance of Manuel Almunia between le posts). That goal, inexplicably scored by the useless Irish utility defender and aided by some shocking marking, will force Wenger to adopt a more attacking approach.
Gone must be the slow, sideways passing, replaced by vigor and attacking intent. They have to score, and sadly, their most likely source of goals, Arshavin, is cup-tied. D'oh! Cesc is already promising such changes, but will they deliver?
Meanwhile, Fergie and his irritating brood of sociopaths will continue their smug march towards trophies, probably with some alignment of Ronaldo and Rooney dossing around up front like a couple of ADHD-addled pre-teens, looking to cause trouble amid the Gunners' hobbled backline. Christ, Ferguson has such an easy job. His lineups practically pick themselves, leaving him plenty of time to harvest stem cells with his fangs and drink himself into a stupor on the sidelines in those cushy racing-style armchairs.
We thought we'd compile a brief list of reasons why either side might win, aiming of course for the kind of journalistic integrity and reality that you've come to expect from UF.
Feel free to add your own in the comments if we're missing anything particularly trenchant.
LB -
Why United Will Win
- They're United. It's what they bribe refs and the FA in order to do.
- The ref will invariably award a contentious, game-changing decision their way.
- Rooney is in excellent form.
Why Arsenal Will Win
- They have nothing else to play for, really
- Possessors of something to prove, they need to show that the cup-tied Arshavin isn't the only solid offensive option they have.
- It's at home! They do well at home
Precious Roy -
United:
- They are better.
Arsenal:
- They have a magic pixie, who while cup-tied, is still a magic pixie.
Ian -
United:
- SAF sacrifices, blows goats
Arsenal:
- Wenger is a genius, doesn't drink as much
Seriously, United really blew a chance to klll the tie by not getting more goals at OT. If the Arsenal backline can magically not get raped and Almunia has another huge game, then I think they can nick a goal or two and then who knows what happens. But realistically United are the favorites.
The Fan’s Attic -
United:
- Defensive backline is less banged up than Arsenal's.
Arsenal:
- Cesc deserves a good birthday present, one day late.
So there you have it. Don't argue with us, it's all very scientific.
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