There's No Dancing in Football!

Cheerleaders in Happier Times.... Just moments before the NASL collapsed.

Ginge Talks the Footy blog passes along unofficial word that FC Dallas are planning to have a dance team this upcoming season. Because thee MLS isn't a big enough laughing stock on the world stage, and because it's always a great idea to emulate the old NASL.

The Celtics waited to hire cheerleaders until after Red Auerbach died, so couldn't MLS have waited until after America's soul has died? In fact, I think it died a little right now.

And yes, this is two MLS posts in a row, which I believe ties our record! In other MLS news, official announcement that Vancouver has landed a team is happening today

Update after the jump....

Turns out I was a little unfair to poor FC Dallas, because it has been pointed out that some European teams have dancers. This includes Bigus' Norwich, although they are on hiatus this season (both the dancers and the football club harharhar). Here is the visual proof:



And yet, I still have a feeling that MLS is going to be a laughingstock on this one.

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Pop Quiz, Hot Shot!

Why in the name of Tony Meola are the NEW YORK Red Bulls playing in SALT LAKE CITY tomorrow night for the WESTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP??!?!?

Shoot the hostage, Keanu, I can't take it anymore! Seriously, we here at UF do our best to boost MLS. We're no pimps-- in the footy sense-- but everyone here wants the league to do well.

Give us the chance, we'll be out there singing. "Hey Hey, J! P! A! How many goals didja score today!?" But over and over, the league pushes sitters over the bar. And never in such glaring fashion as today.

Let me explain.


OK. This is how MLS Cup playoff qualification works. (Thanks, wiki!)

Eight teams will make the playoffs - the top three teams in each conference plus the remaining two teams, regardless of conference, that have the most points in the standings upon the completion of the 30-game regular season.

The seeding is as follows[1]:

* The top three teams in each conference qualify and are seeded 1, 2 & 3 in their respective four-team playoff conference brackets.

* The two MLS teams with the next most points, regardless of conference, receive "wildcard" berths.
- The two wild card teams will be seeded according to conference first.
- If more than four teams qualify from one conference, the team finishing lower than fourth in its conference will shift over to the other conference bracket.
- A team switching conference brackets will be seeded below all other teams in its new conference playoff bracket.

Please consult with a quantum physician if you couldn't follow the above explanation. It's the simplest I could find.

So having played out this counterintuitive mess, the Red Bulls qualified for the playoffs despite finishing 5th in the Eastern Conference. They were shuttled into the Western bracket for what was sure to be a fierce mollywhoping at the feet of the two-time defending champion Houston Dynamo.



But then something funky happened. The Red Bulls started kicking ass. They should have beat Houston in the first leg of their q-final home & home, instead settling for a 1-1 draw. In the second leg, in front of a record crowd in Houston, they won. I mean they really stomped the fuckers-- 3-0 and it wasn't that close.

New Yorkers poured into the streets! People were climbing lampposts, hugging and kissing strangers, screaming the name of hat trick hero Barack Obama!!



So, after this epic victory, what next? The lads return home? We wait for them on the tarmac? Flood to MLS.com for tickets to the semi-final?

Nice to think so.

The fact of the matter is that there will be no return trip home. The Red Bulls go directly to Salt Lake City for a one-off conference title game tomorrow night. If they win again-- which could, like, totally happen-- they'd be crowned what? I'll tell you what: Western Conference Champions. (the upside: Bulls win and kids all over the third world get new t-shirts! Yele Haiti!)

In the end, this convoluted set-up would have the underdog Bulls traveling to Carson, Calif., for a potential Cup final. The lone New York franchise in America's premier (chuckles...) soccer league could win a championship... and give the fan pool ZERO chance to jump on the bandwagon. It's one thing for the Giants to win three on the road then head off to the Super Bowl. They have a 20-year waitlist for season tickets. The Red Bulls average... what?... 12,000 a game? What a waste. GRRRRR!!!

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Coming Soon: Blaugrana West?

If reports are to be believed, FC Barcelona will be tossing its proverbial hat into the ring for the chance to land an MLS expansion team. There had been rumors of this previously, but it appears legit now as The Miami Herald is now reporting that they will indeed buy an MLS lotto ticket.

From the Herald:

Barcelona announced on its website that it would partner with Miami resident Marcelo Claure, a Bolivian cellphone magnate and owner of FC Bolivar, to launch a team in Miami. Claure is the CEO of Brightstar Communications, a multibillion-dollar company that is one of the largest Hispanic-owned businesses in the United States. Joan Laporta, president of Barcelona, and Joan Oliver, the club's general director, plan to be in Miami Wednesday to present their plans.

First, are they many phrases more intrinsically entertaining than "Bolivian cellphone magnate"? Second, a Spanish team with global appeal opening up a subsidiary in a market full of latinamericanousness, this seems like a no-brainer, right?

Not so fast, mi amigo.

Remember Miami already had an MLS team, the Fusion. They closed up shop in 2001, along with their Floridian brethren the Tampa Bay Mutiny, as MLS contracted from 12 to 10 teams. And even though the league is seemingly on better financial footing, attendance levels are only now back up to what they were during the league's inaugural season. Plus, if Miami does get a team, it will be in 2011, after 2 other cities (in Seattle 2009, and Philadelphia 2010) have jumped in to dilute the talent pool. That's a problem for whoever gets bids, though, as a two team expansion in 2011 is happening.

But maybe South Florida just ain't the sports hotbed that people want it to be. Of the 10 Sports Franchises Most Likely to Move as ranked by Forbes, two of them, the Rays and the Marlins, are in the region.

The Marlins were drawing crowds in the hundreds despite being on the fringe of the playoff race into September. And the Rays made the playoffs and still can't sell out. Even of the area teams that didn't make the Forbes list, the gate ain't great. The Florida Panthers draw 28th out of 30 in the NHL and the FBI is starting to relocate witnesses to Heat games.

So whether the jackpot is really worth winning for Miami remains to be seen.

TFA UPDATE: The Offside Rules had a post recently regarding the potential situs of Miami's stadium. It's a neat little stadium with retractable seating to fit soccer fields better. Although, it is not soccer specific as MLS desires, but given the current economic climate, probably isn't a bad deal to begin with.

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MLS to West Ham: Please Be Sure to Stow Your Carry-on Luggage in the Overhead Compartment

It’s really difficult not to make fun of MLS when stories like this one pop up in the international press. (Okay, so the Sun isn’t exactly Pulitzer Prize material, but you get the idea.)

The story goes something like this: West Ham United agrees to play a couple friendlies against the MLS All-Stars and the Columbus Crew, with half a million pounds being paid in exchange for the “right” to avoid injury on astroturf fieldturf. Part of the arrangements included the promise of business class travel. Only problem is that the travel agency that MLS booked the charter flights with went under.

MLS then had to scramble to book alternate arrangements, and the West Ham players were left bitching and moaning about the unusual itinerary:

First, stay overnight at a hotel near Heathrow, where two separate planes will whisk the Hammers away - in economy class - all the way to Chicago – with one flight leaving hours after the first - total flight time around nine hours.

Then a layover at O’Hare, which is arguably the worst airport in the world, and another flight to Columbus, where West Ham will play the Crew on Sunday. The team will then make their way up to Toronto where they’ll play the MLS All-Stars, before returning back to jolly ol’ England, assuming that the wings of their econo-plane don’t fall off.

This incident is all fairly embarrassing, but to be honest not all the blame can be placed at the feet of MLS when the recession is sinking airlines left and right. (Don’t forget the San Antonio Spurs travel debacle in the NBA Playoffs.)

That said, stories like this suggest that MLS is a long way off from international respectability. It’s difficult to claim that you are world class when your invited guests have to fly economy class.

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Hey, Columbus fans. Fucking quit it!

This comes from We are the Postmen. I take issue with the douchenozzle writing that this is the way forward for American soccer. This is an embarrassment. Video after the jump.


See, if US fans were truly catching up to their Euro counterparts, they would be facing all-stadia bans throughout the country and put on a hooligan watchlist. Couple this with the fact that, at the same game, when New England scored their winning goal, other things started coming out of the stands. Racial epithets, batteries and bottles all aimed at the winning goal scorer, Kheli Dube.

This is the video, from the same youtube poster, of the goal and incident afterward. NSFW audio.


MLS is investigating the second incident and hopefully action will be taken against the participating parties.

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Stupid MLS Wankers

Earlier this year Seattle was awarded a new MLS team to begin play in 2009. It was a team without a name until today. The stupid MLS wankers gave Seattle fans a choice of three names--Seattle FC, Seattle Alliance or Seattle Republic--three incredibly bland and/or dumb names.

I am incredibly loathe to admit this but thankfully Seattle-ites have some semblance of intelligence and managed to have a successful write-in campaign to name the club Seattle Sounders FC taking the name of the current USL and former NASL Seattle squads.

It's a name that reflects the region, preserves history and manages to incorporate a traditional soccer feel. It also allows me to continue to aim my hatred of the Seattle Sounders soccer team, although the stupid MLS wankers have not awarded Portland an MLS team. A city with a strong fan base, historical soccer cred, a healthy hispanic population and no summer competition for the sports viewing audience except an AAA baseball team. That makes too much sense.

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