Sunday, May 18, 2008

Euro 2008 Team Profiles: Spain

Spain is going to win the 2008 European Championships.

Or is that "Spain are going to win"? Christ, I didn't think this was going to involve my having to consult the MLA stylebook.

But, yeah, Spain, the surest fire chokers in all of international football (well of the ones that made it to the Euro). Those guys. They are going to win. And they are going to look good doing it.

I say that and I haven't even been drinking all day. Nor am I gay. Although I might have a borderline unhealthy man crush on Fernando Torres, I'd totally nail that girl in the pic right above this sentence. Even if she does have a slightly asymmetrical face, she's clearly showing an affinity for having balls against her ass, so I like my chances.

Anyway, there are at least four reasons for Spain is going to vencer or ganar or something.

First, Fernando Torres. That guy is really fucking good at futbol. Sure, it takes a firm grasp of the obvious to make that observation, but without him and his 24 goals—the most ever for an EPL (suck it, Barclay's) debut season—Liverpool is probably staring at the European NIT next season. And much like in the EPL, the only person I can see outscoring him this summer is Christiano Louganis.

Second, no Raul. Sure he's got 40-something goals in 100-odd appearances for the national team, but what's the farthest he's ever been able to carry his país? The quarterfinals? Oh wait, that shouldn't be another question. "The quarterfinals" is the actual answer. In the 1998 Cup they didn't even make it out of their group (really, a 0-0 draw to Paraguay?). Please, give me Torres and David Villa up top—which, hey, that's totally what Spain can have—and I like my odds of not getting shut out by anybody. No, Spain is going score more than Cashely Cole at a Roman Shower party.

Third, here's how loaded their midfield is. Mikel Arteta, who has been a rock in Everton's midfield for the past two and a half seasons, can't even get a spot in the selección.

Finally, I am on a roll. Having predicted the last European and World Cup champions, I'm on a two-tournament winning streak. Okay, I didn't really predict Greece in '04 so much as pull a slip of paper with their name on it out of a hat then whine like a blender stuck on frapeé, but it put me in the money.

So bet against me at your own risk because Cesc Fabregas ain't the only one en fuego.

Here's the squad:

Forwards: Fernando Torres, David Villa, Sergio Garcia, Daniel Guiza

Midfielders: Cesc Fabregas, Andres Iniesta, Xabi Alonso, Xavi, David Silva, Santi Cazorla, Ruben de la Red, Marcos Senna

Defenders: Sergio Ramos, Carlos Marchena, Fernando Navarro, Alvaro Arbeloa, Juanito, Joan Capdevila, Raul Albiol, Carles Puyol

Goalkeepers: Iker Casillas, Pepe Reina, Andres Palop

Could England beat this team? I supposed anything is possi... No.

Breakout Player: Sergio Ramos. He goes box to box and, from the right back coming forward, he's a threat with the cross.

Biggest Question Mark: Well, they are still Spain. And if you go Casillas, Arbeloa, Xabi Alonso, Torres, that's pretty much Liverpool running right up the middle of this team. That either explains why Liverpool has been underachieving as of late (too much España in their DNA) or portends poorly for Spain since Liverfourth can't get out of, well, fourth. Although, Reina probably won't see the pitch in front of Casillas save maybe for the last game of the group stage when Spain is sitting on 6 points and a plus-6 GD.

Worst Player: No se.

Can this team win Euro 2008? Did you start reading two sentences in?

What is the squad's pre-made excuse for not winning Euro 2008? Well, it would have been Raul, but, as mentioned he's not on the squad. Their Spain-ness would then have to be the reason.


Mike Georger said...

"I'd totally nail that girl in the pic right above"

yeah, click the picture to blow it up, she clearly has herpes all over her lips, good luck with that. id rather fuck torres, sure itd make me gay, but i bet hes clean.

im taking spain in a monetary fashion.
my financial dark horse: my poles

.. pole

Precious Roy said...

You fuck Torres you run the risk of getting the hiv.

I think the junk on her upper lip is just an artifact from having to recompress a jpeg so that it wouldn't be 300K. But even with herpes, I'd take her over the Polish girl (NSFW).

Goat said...

Why aren't her socks and shoes painted on?

The NY Kid said...

She has feet?

Goat said...

That's also a rather unfortunate ball placement (that's what she said!). It looks like the ball has somehow lodged in her ass and now she's on all fours grimacing in pain and awaiting the physio.

The Fan's Attic said...

I've got some magic spray for her.