Monday, December 22, 2008

UF Monday MarketPlace

Welcome to the Christmas Congestion edition of the UF Monday MarketPlace. We’re back from a week’s hiatus and hoping your portfolio has not suffered in our absence. In any case, let’s get straight down to it.


...until we freak out on national television and tell you to sell the kids for food.

Buy Arsenal— Ughh… this is painful to write. But let’s be fair, Arsenal are about the surest bet in English football these days. The relegation zone is like an off campus bar at midnight, one in, one out. Top of the league is a mess. No one wants it. For reliable returns, pick up stock in the Gunners. They’ve tied Liverpool and beat Chelsea, lost to Stoke and Fulham… they’ll beat Villa next week, then lose home to Pompey a couple days later. And you know what? They’ll still be in 4th/5th place. Deny this, you scum, I dare you.

Buy Fulham— Here’s one the MarketPlace got right a couple weeks ago. Number Eight with a bullet, some decent holiday results and the prospect of European football at the Cottage becomes entirely viable. If they can nab 2 or 3 points from their next two (at Spurs, home for Chelsea) and hold on to Bullard through January’s silly season, I’d say Seventh is theirs to lose.

Buy English teams with financial troubles and troubled assets— hold the line just another ten days lads, Juande Ramos is coming to bail you out. Lassana Diarra for £20 million and Portsmouth are considerably better off than a week ago. There’s still blood lingering in the water, but not like we thought. As for the other rumors—too many to list—let’s just say, for me at least, if they want to pay a cent for Roman Pavlyunchenko, Levy should cover the shipping costs.

Buy The New Manager Effect— Ricky Sbragia… Big Sam… Redknapp and Kinnear a bit earlier… It’s happy hunting for new EPL managers this year. So get ready for Man City to explode in late January. Hughes will be out. Three or four high priced international stars in. David Pleat’s postman could pull these guys out of the relegation zone.

Buy Spanish clubs in the Champs League— Villareal get Panathinaikos, Atletico get Porto, Barcelona get Lyon, and Juande gets Liverpool. At least three of the four go through, the latter being the most in doubt.

Sell! For Chrissakes, Sell it all! Light it on fire, just be done with it!!

...until next week, when everything bounces back but your checking account. Sawwrry.

Sell the Beckham-MLS marriage— The end is nigh. He’ll come back from Milan in the spring, but the next trip out will be the last. With all the talk of building the American game, Youth Academies, etc… it comes down to this: the decision to leave Europe was made in haste. About four years too early. Becks thought he was through for England and Madrid, and so he made his move. But a funny thing happened about five minutes after signing up with Alexi Lalas (Lalas!) McClaren couldn’t qualify for the Euros and Capello was forced to put him back in the lineup. Beckham was caught like Juliet standing over dead Romeo.

Sell Mark Hughes— Captain Obvious says: Unless you’re in this for the long haul, it’s time to make the move. Vote of confidence or not. Only a couple days left now…

Sell The Club World Cup— Not good for business when the highlight of your tournament is a split decision between a Fergie press conference and Carlos Tevez’s touchline tantrum. It’s nice for the Asian and South American clubs, but for our Anglo-centric purposes, a complete bummer.

Sell Leeds and Forest returning to the top flight anytime soon— Leeds may be due for some NME now that Gary Mac’s been told to pack, but automatic promotion is out of the question and who-fuckin-knows with a League 1 playoff. Forest are rooted to the near-bottom of the Colaship. Glory days are far off.

Sell English tabloid rumor-mongering / the January transfer window— Some rags are better than others, but there’s reason to expect this January will be any different than the last. No big players or teams make moves of real consequence as anyone of value is cup-tied. For entertainment’s sake, Citeh will do it’s best to nut money on anyone who’ll take it and Juande should be counted on to do some arse-backward stuff with his Real riches.

Sell Gareth Southgate— Nothing to do with this week. Middlesbrough haven’t been terrible. It goes back to the Woody Allen thing about dead sharks.

Sell yer (new) laptops, Ipswich!-- Norwich is just gonna send more Cubans to steal them anyway...

Wait! Hold Still! Do Nothing! Freeze Up! We're confounded...

Hold on Liverpool— The second half at the Emirates was an exercise in waste. Arsenal lose Cesc and Adebayor in ten minutes playing time and how do the league leaders respond? By playing on their heels and leaving Ryan Babel on the bench until the 87th minute, is how. This would be an easy Sell if not for the profligate Chelsea and stuck-in-the-mud United. For the Kop’s sake, Torres better get back soon.

Hold on QPR— Read this quickie from the Beebs: Experiencing boutique football at QPR… The set-up doesn’t seem as unhealthy as the headline might imply. The new manager seems to have an idea of what’s up. The dedication, and better, the cash seem to be there. And still, it all seems kind of sheisty. Or so it seems.

Hold on Djibril Cisse— Buy the form, sell the hair, Bigus says. I’d have to agree. Of course, neither is permanent, so take your chances.

Enjoy Spartak and Everton... we'll seeya next year!


Keith said...

they’ll beat Villa next week,


With no Cesc and Ade? With Friedel in ridiculous form? With Steve "WILD CARD, BITCHES!!" Sidwell scoring for fun? Yeah, they barely beat Wet Spam on the road, and our home form has been kinda bad, but I don't think the Arse are taking points; Villa will be way too eager to keep 3rd and close in on second.

Andrew said...

Pool blew it. To my relief.

TIET said...

Buy the form, sell the hair

Oh, come on. The hair is half the fun with Cisse.

Andrew said...

No team "deserves" to be in top-flight football if they can't perform, but there are some teams that I'd like to see there. Leeds and Forest are two of those teams, if for no other reason than nostalgia.