Obscure Football Legends: Jules Rimet

Jules Rimet (left) presenting the 1930 WC trophy to Uruguay.

During this summer lull (Fizzy Pop league in just over a month!), we have decided to dust off some features that have slipped away. Today, I renew the "Obscure Football Legends" series with a man who never played football in his life. Huh?


Jules Rimet was born in Theuley-les-Lavoncourt (France) in 1873 the son of a grocer, and would grow up to become a lawyer. His impact on the world, however, would come as president of the Fédération Française de Football (FFF; 1919-1945) and of the Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA; 1921-1945). It was Rimet who gave us the World Cup.

Convinced that sports could unite the world, Rimet founded the Red Star sports club in Paris (1897) and, crucially, opened membership to anyone. Sensing that football was growing on the world stage, he and others spurred the beginnings of FIFA (1904) in order to promote chivalry and fair play within international football. Becoming the head of the FFF and FIFA within two years of each other, after having seen football play a part in WWI, Rimet began to push the idea of an international competition solely for football professionals, in opposition to the amateur football staged as part of the Olympics.

Rimet was finally successful in 1928 when FIFA decided to stage the first World Cup. Uruguay had offered to pay all expenses, and so the affair was held there. Many European countries (particularly England, as the FA was opposed to the idea) declined to participate, as travel abroad was only possible by boat across the Atlantic. Only France, Romania, Yugoslavia (look it up, kids!) and Belgium made the trip. The host country won the tournament, beating Argentina in the finals, and Rimet was there to present the trophy (as seen above).

Rimet continued to push the World Cup as a vehicle for peace, but his efforts were marred by the next two World Cups, with 1934 in Italy having fascist overtones and 1938 in France having to deal with 1 qualifying country (Germany) conquering another (Austria). Despite this, Rimet was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1956 but his nomination was rejected by the panel. Strangely enough, no Nobel Prize was awarded that year and Rimet had passed away by the end of the year.

In the interim, Rimet had been rewarded by FIFA, as the World Cup trophy was renamed in his honor in 1946. Unfortunately, after having been awarded permanently to Brazil in 1970 after their 3rd WC championship, the Jules Rimet Trophy was stolen in 1983 and was never recovered.

While it is difficult to say that football has achieved his ideals of chivalry (Ronaldo, anyone) or unity (racism and fascism still play a role among supporters and players alike), it is clear that is has become the world's game. And it is the efforts of Jules Rimet that made football's largest stage a reality.

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UF Goes to the Movies: Once in a Lifetime: The Extraordinary Story of the New York Cosmos

We continue our somewhat sporadic series of movie reviews here at UF with the film "Once in a Lifetime: The Extraordinary Story of the New York Cosmos." As the title implies, this movie is about the history of the North American Soccer League as viewed through the prism of the league's most popular team, the New York Cosmos. As someone who went to numerous Cosmos games growing up in NYC, I thought that it was about time that I took a look at this cinematic masterpiece.







(Not pictured: a young NY Kid flipping off Bugs Bunny. Seriously, that fucker never gave me any of his stupid carrots)





The movie, narrated by Matt Dillon strangely enough, opens with footage of the American soccer scene in the 1970s, and we hear that "the Cosmos were the best and worst of soccer in the US." This is followed by Shep Messing (who looks distrubingly like David Hirshey) stating that "in the summer of '77, the Cosmos took over." At this point our man Hirshey makes his first (of many) appearance(s), where he discusses the 1950 World Cup in which the US shocked the world by defeating England.

The film then delves into the history of the North American Soccer League and the NY Cosmos. Steve Ross had created Warner Communications and Atari, and then expanded his empire by buying Atlantic Records. The Ertegun brothers, who had founded Atlantic Records, told Ross that one condition of the sale would be that he had to help them establish a soccer team. And thus, the idea of the Cosmos was born. The television broadcast of the World Cup final in 1966, in which England defeated Germany, motivated enough people to invest in the Cosmos that the idea became reality in 1971.

The team played their first game in Yankee Stadium, but eventually moved to Hofstra University on Long Island. Disillusioned with the progress of the team, and losing a significant amount of money, the ten original investors sold their shares to Warner Communications for $1 each. The players were also stuggling financially, which lead to Shep Messing posing fully nude in VIVA magazine. Although Cosmos management was initially furious, they realized that the pictorial brought attention to the team. It was also the first sign of the "rock star" status that the players would take on.

In 1974, the team moved to Downey Stadium on Randall Island, and were faced with a pitch that was made up of dirt and rocks in large patches. They went 6-14 that year, although this result was due more to the lack of talent rather than the state of the pitch. This caused management, and Ross in particular, to start looking for big-name players, and at the time no one was bigger than Edson Arantes do Nascimento, better known as Pele. At this point in the film, almost everyone associated with the early history of the Cosmos gets on camera and claims to be the one whose idea it was to go after Pele, so it remains unclear where the idea came from. What is clear is that Real Madrid and Juventus were also interested in acquiring Pele's services, but he was intrigued by the prospect of bringing soccer to the US on a grand scale (obviously this would never happen today - if Real Madrid, Juventus, and the LA Galaxy were all interested in bringing Ryan Giggs to their team, it's pretty clear that the Galaxy would be the last option; they get Beckham precisely because Real didn't want him anymore).

Pele eventually signed a multi-part contract worth several million dollars (although it is unclear exactly how much) for playing, public relations/marketing, and music (really? Did Pele ever put out an album?). The Brazilian government wanted to force Pele to play one more year in Brazil, so they declared him a national treasure. Steve Ross, as head of Warner Communications, worked with Nelson Rockefeller, who was also the vice president of the United States, and he asked the latter to intervene. Rockefeller put Henry Kissinger on the case, and the situation was quickly resolved.

In preparation for Pele's first game, the Cosmos organization spray-painted the dirt patches on the pitch at Downing Stadium in order for the field to appear green and lush with grass. CBS broadcast the game, and Pele didn't disappoint by scoring two goals to tie the game 2-2. There were some, however, like prominent sportswriter Dick Young, who didn't believe that soccer was here to stay. In an attempt to discredit Pele, Young took him to Mets game in order to show him the "true American sport." Young was stunned when the Mets game had to be stopped as the crowd acknowledged Pele, forcing him onto the field in order to respond to their ovations.

The next season, the Cosmos moved back to Yankee Stadium and other foreign stars followed Pele to the NASL. Steve Ross went after even more stars, bringing Giorgio Chinaglia to the Cosmos. At this point, the film moves into a montage of people discussing the fact that Chinaglia is a complete asshole. Although he claims that this is due to the fact that he became the NASL's leading scorer and was quite close to Steve Ross, most people in the clips aruge that he was simply an epic douchebag. Obviously, friction developed between Pele and Chinaglia, as tends to happen when two superstars share the pitch.

The next season, 1977, the Cosmos finally moved into Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ. This was Pele's final season, and Ross added even more international players. After losing 3 of their first 5 games and averaging only 20,000 fans, Ross brought Franz Beckenbauer to the Cosmos, which pissed off Chinaglia even further. The strain of the season eventually lead to the resignation of president Clive Toye and the firing of coach Gordon Bradley (who recently passed away). Chinaglia exerted some influence and convinced Ross to hire Eddie Frimani, who repaid the favor by using Chinaglia more often in matches. The Cosmos went on a winning streak, but then lost 5 in a row so Ross signed Carlos Alberto from Brazil.

At this point the Cosmos were taking off as a cultural phenomenon, with the players partying at Studio 54 after every game and generally living the good life. In the playoffs that year, the Cosmos sold out Giants Stadium (77,961) for their match against Fort Lauderdale. The Cosmos won the championship that year, leading ABC to negotiate to broadcast NASL games the following season. During that season, during which the NASL expanded to 24 teams, the Cosmos won 15 out of their first 17 games against much weaker competition. They went 24-6 overall but lost their first playoff game 9-2 against Minnesota. However, in the second leg the Cosmos beat Minnesota 4-0, resulting in the need for a shoot-out (apparently they didn't follow the European "away goals" scoring format). Carlos Alberto's chip shot resulted in the 2nd consecutive championship for the Cosmos.

The following season, Chinaglia exerted even more influence and began to take over team operations, alienating much of the management. Although the Cosmos reached the championship match once again, they lost this time, and ABC cancelled their contract due to poor ratings. In 1980, league attendance reached its peak, and the Cosmos won their 3rd title in 4 years. At this point the film delivers another montage of individuals blaming Chinaglia for the downfall of the Cosmos. In 1982, although the Cosmos won their 5th title, the rest of the league was crumbling. After the crash of Atari crippled Warner Communications, the Cosmos eventually folded in 1984 and the league disbanded.

Steve Ross continued to follow his passion for the game, and he was part of the movement to bring the 1986 World Cup to the US, eventually losing out to Mexico. Unfortunately, Ross passed away in 1992, just 2 years before his dream was realized and the World Cup came to the US, playing several significant and well-attended matches at Giants Stadium.

The film ends by noting that the legacy of the Cosmos is that they laid the seed for everyone who plays soccer in the United States today, from the AYSO the MLS teams. Overall, this was a really good movie in terms of providing a history lesson on the Cosmos, including how they impacted both pop culture in the NY of the 1970s as well as the culture of soccer in the US.

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Who Are: Everton F.C.?

In honor of yesterday's Merseyside Derby (congrats, Red Scousers!), we present the next in our series of "Who Are" football clubs.

Team name: Everton Football Club (what are you, blind?)
Nickname: The Toffees; manager David Moyes has also taken to calling the team "The People's Club"
Grounds: Goodison Park (in Liverpool); moving to New Goodison Park in Kirkby (no word on whether this is the new pitch)
Sponsor: Chang Beer
Mascot: Drunken Merseysiders
Manager: David Moyes
Current Standings: 17-6-9 (57 points); in 5th place (5 points out of 4th behind Liverpool)
Most intersesting statistic: Everton have contested more seasons in the top level of English football than any other club
Bonus interesting statistic: Over all competitions, Everton's record in the Merseyside Derby is 79-62-65

Players of note:
(1) Tim Howard (GK) - The American keeper has gone from being the USA first choice and playing for Manchester United, to being the USA third choice, to being the USA second choice and playing for Everton

(2) Phil Jagielka (DEF) - Responsible for numerous juvenile chants throughout the EPL due to his last name (oh, you can figure it out)

(3) Joleon Lescott (DEF) - Decorum prevents me from commenting on the knot on his forehead

(4) Mikel Arteta (MID) - A poor man's Fernando Torres in terms of talent and lady-killing

(5) Steven Pienaar (MID) - The South African national has laid a 1 million quid bet on his country not being prepared to host World Cup 2010*

(6) Tim Cahill (MID) - The Aussie is known primarily for his antics at World Cup 2006, including scoring the first Australian goal ever in WC competition and being involved in shady penalties

(7) Yakubu Ayegbeni (ST) - Occasionally confused for Benny Agbayani

*May not be true

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Obscure Football Legends: Joe Gaetjens

When people discuss the greatest World Cup games of all time, there is one game that almost invariably comes up - the US defeat of England by a score of 1-0 in the 1950 World Cup. However, not as many people know who it was who scored that goal. Join me after the jump to find out about him.

Joe Gaetjens was born on March 19, 1924 in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. After his primary schooling in Haiti, he received a scholarship from the Haitian government to study at Columbia University in New York City. While there he began playing with a local team, and was soon spotted by a talent scout for the US Men's National Team. Although Gaetjens was Haitian, he had declared his intent to apply for US citizenship as he was planning on staying in New York after college. Under the rules of the United States Soccer Football Association (USSFA) at the time, he was eligible to play for the US team since he was "in the process" of becoming a US citizen.

In a brief run of success, the United States qualified for the 1950 World Cup, which was being held in Brazil. Already having lost to Spain 3-1 in their first match, the US team was not optimistic about their chances against England in their second match. The teams met at the Estadio Independencia at Belo Horizonte with England tabbed at 3-1 odds to win the World Cup and the US at 500-1 odds.

After surviving 9 shots over the first 36 minutes, lightning struck for the US. Walter Bahr sent in a cross, and as the England goalkeeper came out to make the play Joe Gaetjens dove (some say almost 6 yards) to head the ball into the net. The crowd erupted as the US took a 1-0 lead, which they would hold on to for the rest of the match.

Although the US lost their next match to Chile 5-2, and were subsequently eliminated from the World Cup, the win against England was massive, and came to be known as the Miracle on Grass. Eventually, a book was written about the game, followed by a movie.

After the World Cup, Gaetjens moved to France where he spent some time playing with Troyes and Racing of Paris. He eventually played several matches for the Haitian national team, with his final match being on December 27, 1953 against Mexico in a World Cup qualifier. Following this game, Gaetjens moved back to Haiti where he became an entrepreneur.

Unfortunately, this was at the beginning of turbulent political times in Haiti, and although Gaetjens kept to himself some of his family members outside of Haiti were ardent supporters of an anti-Duvalier candidate.

On July 8, 1964 Gaetjens was arrested by the feared Tonton Macoutes, Duvalier's secret police, and taken to the notorious prison Fort Dimanche. He is presumed to have been killed along with dozens of other political prisoners held at the prison.

In 1972, Gaetjens was honored at a NY Cosmos game, and he was posthumously inducted into the US National Soccer Hall of Fame in 1976.

NOTE: Don't worry that this feature will turn into "Obscure Haitian Football Legends" - there were only 2 (Jozy doesn't count since he isn't obscure, and isn't a legend yet), so we'll be moving on to other countries now. I just had to rep my roots first.

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Getting to know: Michael Enfield

Yanks Abroad is a pretty decent spot to keep up with various US players as they ply their trade around the world. You get main page updates of players in the top European leagues as America spreads its footballing influence across the continent. In addition, there is this page, a round up of all of the currently tracked US players playing in leagues around the world.

I like to look every once in a while to see just who is least likely to make the jump from internationally playing up to the actual USNT. Is it Kenny Bertz, Grover Gibson, Preston Zimmerman or David Yelldell playing in the 3rd level of German soccer? Or is it Ryan Caugherty, trying to get by in Hungary? Maybe it's Jemal Johnson, currently in League Two in England. Well, for my money, it's Michael Enfield who, at the time of this writing, is barely hanging on in Australia, trying to get back from an injury before he gets cut by Sydney FC.

Before his ACL and MCL injury, Enfield made one full team appearance for Sydney. His signing in Australia can best be described as fortuitous. Enfield played his college ball at UCLA, and was fairly successful. He was drafted in the MLS Superdraft by locals LA Galaxy, but never impressed. After one season with the Galaxy, Enfield was released. Luckily for him, Enfield had a contact down under who could help him.

Enfield had worked with Sydney FC coach Jacob Goren years before when Goren coached Enfield at the Maccabi JCC games. For those soccer fans who are not Hirshey, these are localized Olympic-style competitions for those of the Jewish persuasion. Goren kept tabs on Enfield, and after the player's release from LA, Enfield was invited to a month's trial in Australia.

Once in Australia, Enfield shone. He played in two scrimmage matches against other professional squads, scoring in the first and then assisting on all three goals in the second. Enfield was offered a contract on the spot, signing a 2-year deal. He made his debut against Perth Glory on September 9, 2007, coming on as a sub. In so doing, Enfield was the first Jewish player ever in the A-League.

Later in September, Enfield suffered his injury in practice. Since going down, Sydney has bolstered its midfield reserves, likely pushing Enfield off into the periphery. This is wher he stands today, rehabbing until late in 2008.

All snark aside, I wish nothing but the best to Michael Enfield. He has a tough road back from his injury, then must break back into a squad made better in his absence. It's hard enough to have to chase your dream to the far side of the world, and to get injured while doing so must just suck.

UF believes in you Michael, do it for us!

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UF Goes to the Movies: The Oeuvre of Vinnie Jones

Given our recent stories regarding Paul Gascoigne, it seemed only natural to explore the individual on the other side of that most famous picture.

Join me after the jump to explore the brilliance that is Vinnie Jones.

To individuals of a certain age, Vinnie Jones is best known as a footballer, one of the true "hard men" of the game. Vinnie played for the Wimbledon team that won the FA Cup in 1988 (the watershed moment for the club), and then went on to play for Leeds United (89-90), Sheffield United (90-91), Chelsea (91-92), Wimbledon (92-98), and Queens Park Rangers (98-99).

He also played on the Welsh national team from 1994-1997, receiving 8 caps and even captaining the team. Recently, almost 10 years after leaving the game, Vinnie established the Hollywood All-Stars Football Club to compete in a rec league in Los Angeles (no word on whether Andrew Shue is on the team).

In 1992 (while he was still playing, obviously), Vinnie began appearing on television shows and other entertainment venues starring as himself. His first foray was as a "presenter" on "Soccer's Hard Men", a controversial documentary which looked at footballers known more for their strength than their skill. The FA was not amused, and fined Vinnie 10,000 pounds, yet he appeared as himself over 40 more times in various endeavors.

Clearly, all of this action gave Vinnie the itch (they have a cream for that, you know), leading to his entry into the world of cinema. The result of that is that a new generation knows Vinnie Jones solely as a movie "star", albeit one who plays the exact same character in every damn movie. Let's examine Vinnie's work, shall we?

Vinnie Jones first appeared in the Guy Ritchie (aka Mr. Madonna) film "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels" (1998) as Big Chris, a certifiable English thug. He followed this up with a turn as Bullet Tooth Tony in "Snatch" (2000), where he played a...certifiable English thug.

In that same year (2000), he appeared as The Sphinx, a silent-but-deadly car thief in "Gone in 60 Seconds," and then a completely forgettable turn as Marco in "Swordfish" (2001) [although to be fair the only memorable scene in that movie was Halle Berry's boobies].

He expanded his repertoire in 2001, playing Danny Meehan, an English footballer sent to prison, in "Mean Machine", the English equivalent of "The Longest Yard."

It is at this point that Vinnie's filmography begins to diverge somewhat. In 2004, Vinnie takes a turn as Lou Harris, a stereotypical English hooligan, in "The Big Bounce." Also in 2004, Vinnie played Mad Maynard, a stereotypical ManU supporter, in "Euro Trip." Clearly, Vinnie was branching out, really exploring a range of characters. In 2006, Vinnie played another thug, this one with mutant powers, in a turn as Juggernaut in "X-Men: The Last Stand."

However, after filming had wrapped on X-Men 3 [as Juggernaut again], Vinnie began to show his softer side. He played Rommel in "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties" (2006), where he starred opposite Breckin Meyer and an animated cat, then the role of Dinklage in "She's the Man" (2006), where he played Amanda Bynes' coach (he put her on the practice squad!).

We aren't quite sure where Vinnie Jones will pop up next, although he does have 3-4 films in the works, including "Clive Barker's Midnight Meat Train" (sounds delicious!). One thing is sure - if you ever see Vinnie, tell him that you love his work or he just might squeeze your grapes.

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Obscure Football Legends: Emmanuel Sanon

We here at UF pride ourselves on knowing quite a bit about the beautiful game, and therefore we think that it is our responsibility to impart our knowledge to the rest of the world (or at least the 26 of you that read this blog). Today we introduce a new series: Obscure Football Legends.Join me after the jump for the first in the series: Emmanuel Sanon.

Don't know who Emmanuel Sanon is? Well, that's the point. Emmanuel Sanon, known as "Manno" was born in Port-au-Prince, Haiti and played for the Haitian national team. He passed away of pancreatic cancer on Thursday, February 21, 2008 at the age of 56, leading the Haitian prime minister to call for a moment of silence on Friday, February 22, 2008. Why was "Manno" such an important player in the history of Haitian football?

In 1974, Haiti became the first Caribbean team to qualify for the World Cup, particularly impressive at a time when only 16 teams qualified. After knocking off Puerto Rico in a play-off in order to qualify, Haiti was placed into a group with Italy, Argentina, and Poland.

Haiti's first game was against Italy, whose keeper, Dino Zoff, was working on a record 1,142 minutes over 2 years with a clean sheet. In a monumental shocker, "Manno" broke free of the Italian defense and came in one-on-one with Zoff. One fake to the left and low, hard shot to the right later, "Manno" had made history by scoring the first goal ever for Haiti in World Cup competition.

Video of Emmanuel Sanon's goal against Italy.

Haiti went on to lose the match 3-1, lost to Poland 7-0, and lost their final game to Argentina 4-1 (with "Manno" scoring again), and were eliminated from the World Cup.

"Manno" scoring against Argentina (dig the commentary in Kreyol)

Following the 1974 World Cup, "Manno" played for Beerschot (a Belgian power at the time), and over the next four years scored 47 of the 106 goals scored by the Haitian national team. He eventually went on to help coach the national team in the 1990s. Despite being the first Caribbean team to ever qualify for the World Cup, Haiti has never again qualified, although they won the Caribbean Cup in 2007. However, with his first goal in the 1974 World Cup, Emmanuel Sanon cemented his status as a football legend, obscure though he may be.

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Getting to Know: Daisuke Matsui

In a way, Daisuke Matsui of Le Mans in France is the perfect YouTube athlete. He plays in a relatively minor league, getting little TV coverage, so fans have to depend on web clips for the most part. And his bull-in-a-chinashop dribbling and trickiness on the ball give fans have enough material to create YouTube compilations.

Granted, you can make any footballer look like the second coming of Garrincha, but Matsui isn't all stepovers and backheels - he gets results. His goal against Lyon knocked the league leader and defending champions out of the League Cup, while scoring a goal completely against the run of play against Monaco, keeping Le Mans in the hunt for a UEFA Cup place.

I'm pretty sure that my co-bloggers who started this feature meant for it to be a way to introduce the Next Big Things, the starlets who are headed to Madrid and Milan if they're not already there, not some obscure Japanese player at an obscure French club, who's closer to age 30 than 20. But fuck it, rules are made to be broken, and hey, he's my countryman so I'm going to rep him.

There are rumors linking Matsui to Serie A, which would bring him to US viewers via Fox Soccer Channel, for now, YouTube will have to do.

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Getting To Know: Alexandre Pato

This is the face of the future of Brazilian soccer. Ugh.

Alexandre Rodrigues da Silva, step right up. You are the next over-hyped teenager to fall flat on your face when you realize just how much money you have. Your nickname means Alex the Duck. You have probably seen more naked women at your age than I ever will, and I have the internet. Thankfully, you play for Milan, so I can hate you without feeling guilty.


The story goes that Pato was so good in training for his first senior club, Internacional in Brazil, that the team forbade its players from talking about him. They did not want their secret to get out for fear of losing him. He made his debut at 17, and, lo and behold, was off to Milan 8 months later for about $30 million.

Italian law stopped him from being able to play official matches until the transfer window after his 18th birthday. He made his debut yesterday, to a whole lot of fanfare. Predictably, in the 74th minute, he scored. I'll note that it was 73 minutes later than he scored on his debut in Brazil, perhaps he has gone soft? Anyway, after his goal (nice control, keeper blew it) he pandered to the crowd by kissing the badge. When I saw this, I thought, 'How nice, this kid came through the ranks and scored for his hometown club. What a nice thing for him.' It wasn't until I websearched him later in the day (between looking at the nekkid wimminz) that I discovered this was not the case.

Besides, it's just one game. Although you can see plenty of skill from the vid above, I submit to you that youtube can make anyone look good, no matter what the age. Check out these kids, the future saviors of Brazil and Australia, respectively.

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Who Are: Tottenham Hotspur?

Welcome to a semi-regular feature called "Who Are:" where we introduce you to the EPL (seriously, suck it Barclay's!) teams. Yes, if you're here you probably know them already, but humo(u)r me anyway. Today's edition:

Team Name: Tottenham Hotspur (obviously. What are you, blind?)

Nickname: Spurs; North London Wankers

Grounds: White Hart Lane

Sponsor: Mansion.com (warning: link is NSFW, as visiting a gambling/on-line casino site at work may result in your being fired. UnprofessionalFoul.com takes no responsibility for you getting shit-canned)

Mascot: Cock 'n' balls. What's that? Oh, apparently it's a cockerel on a football.

Coach: Martin Jol. Oops, I mean Juan de la Cruz Ramos Cano (his friends call him Juande Ramos).

Current EPL Standings: 12th place with 24 points.

Most Interesting Statistic: In 91 matches against Arsenal, the tally for Spurs is 24-27-39. HAHA!

Bonus Interesting Statistic: Tottenham has not beaten Arsenal in their last 19 matches in all competitions. Their last win was over 8 years ago - a 2-1 Tottenham victory on November 7, 1999. HAHA!

Players of Note:

(1) Paul Robinson - The England #1 keeper is known for two things - scoring on an 80+ yard free kick, and letting in numerous howlers this season. He may soon be replaced by Jens Lehmann.

(2) Jermaine Jenas - Other than being an asshat for scoring in the Carling Cup tie against Arsenal this week, Jenas is known primarily for his nickname, JJ.

(3) Dimitar Berbatov - Tottenham's most famous player was the Bulgarian Player of the Year in 2002, 2004, and 2005. This is somewhat similar to my run as "Best-Looking Guy My Wife is Married To" in 2004-2008 in terms of difficulty.

(4) Steed Malbranque - Named after a horse.

(5) Robbie Keane - May have taken horse tranquilizers to produce his EPL-leading goal total for this year.

(6) Kevin-Prince Boateng - Does excellent work off the pitch.

(7) Jermaine Defoe - N/A, as the "other Jermaine" was told that he was free to leave Spurs.

(8) Gareth Bale - Youngest ever Wales international selection and Wales international goal-scorer.

(9) Aaron Lennon - Youngest ever EPL selection.

Considering 8 and 9, I do believe that Gary Glitter and Michael Jackson are in charge of transfers for Spurs.

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Getting to Know Your Old, Racist Teams

It's not often I come across something as strange as this squad, but when you are surfing Wikipedia's defunct English football squads page, you are bound to come across something good.

The Zulus were one of England's first professional squads. In a time of hard-line amateur play, this caused a bit of a stir. What made The Zulus truly stand out was their *ahem* commitment to playing the part. From the Wiki:

They played in an all black kit and decorated themselves with beads and feathers. Instead of using their own names they also adopted Zulu names such as Ulmathoosi.

Lest you doubt that this was not quite the sight, let's take a look at their garb.
While there is no mention of these guys (all English players, of course) playing in black face, they did have a few other ornamental touches. SASoccer365.com notes the following:

. . . these highly experienced footballers (who also used assegais and shields as part of their regalia) performed tribal dances before each game.

Eventually the team was forced to disband, as their Professional status caused the local amateur teams to fall by the wayside. An important local tournament had to be canceled in 1881 because there were not enough amateur players to field teams. On the upside for all of us at this blog, The Zulus can be cited as an early force of change for moving the game from its amateur roots to the lovely money-grubbing game we all follow slavishly today.

Image liberated from www.historicalkits.co.uk

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La Nouvelle Generation des Bleus

Hey! What's that French stuff doing on here? Well, this site has had a distinctly British flavor to it since we began, so I thought that I would introduce the new generation of French soccer stars to our readers (all 17 of you). These youngsters are looking to follow in the footsteps of the immortals - Just Fontaine, Michel Platini, Eric Cantona, Zinedine Zidane, and Thierry Henry.


Franck Ribery (born April 1, 1983) - Ribery started his youth soccer with his hometown club of US Boulogne, and eventually moved on to FC Metz, Galatasaray, Olympique Marseille, and in June 2007 he signed with FC Bayern Munich. In 2006, he won the French Ligue 1 Young Player of the Year award. So far this year, in 16 Bundesliga matches he has 4 goals.

Mathieu Flamini (born March 7, 1984) - Flamini played his youth soccer at Olympique Marseille, and signed with Arsenal in 2004. He has helped Cesc Fabregas to dominate the midfield in Arsenal's EPL (eat it, Barclay's!) matches. In all competitions (32 matches), he has 4 goals.

Hatem Ben Arfa (born March 7, 1987) - Ben Arfa plays for Olympique Lyon, where he has played his entire career, including his youth soccer. In 2006 he was asked to play on the Tunisian World Cup team, as he is of Tunisian descent. Ben Arfa declined, stating that he wanted to continue the tradition of "Black, Blanc, Beur" with the French national team. In all competitions (27 matches), he has 7 goals.

Samir Nasri (born June 26, 1987) - Nasri plays for Olympique Marseille, where he has played since his days on the youth team. In 2007 he won the French Ligue 1 Young Player of the Year award, ahead of Karim Benzema. In 12 matches in Le Championnat, Nasri has 5 assists.

Karim Benzema (born December 19, 1987) - Benzema plays for Olympique Lyonnais, where he has played since his days with the Lyon youth team. In 2006 he was asked to play on the Algerian World Cup team, as his parents are Algerian immigrants. Benzema declined, noting that he watned to play on the French national team with the other young players on this list. In all competitions (32 matches), he has 20 goals. Continuing his offensive dominance, Benzema had 3 goals today against Creteil in a Coupe de France match.

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Getting to Know: Luka Modric

With so many foreign players landing on England’s shores like V2 rockets from around the world, we would like to introduce you to some of the names and faces that might soon be making Frank Lampard obsolete. And so, we proudly present:

The First in a Series in Which Your Humble Spectator Assesses a Foreign Player with the Help of Grainy Clips Found on Youtube


Luka Modric is a Croatian midfielder who at this very moment plays for Dinamo Zagreb. Dinamo’s manager will soon be holding an auction for Modric’s services on the steps of the English Premier League home office in Slough, Berkshire, where it is believed that Chelsea and Manchester City as well as maybe Arsenal and Spurs will each be competing for young Modric’s services. But who is Luka Modric, really?

Luka Modric is best known for his strong play against the very greatest team in the world, who are sometimes known as the English national team, when Modric helped Croatia defeat England 3-2 in the European Cup qualifiers (Steve McLaren and Scott Carson also having something to do with the result). Luka Modric has been compared to Tomas Rosicky, in that they both prefer to play on the left side of the midfield, although it is not yet known if Modric also has a penchant for firing shots wildly off-target and looking disgusted with himself. Modric is quite short and slight of build, meaning that he will become excellent fodder for Joey Barton and Robby Savage tackles.


Nevertheless, Modric is said to have the ball-handling abilities of a Messi or Rooney. Perhaps the reason that English teams are so interested in Modric is that he has the potential to slot into the number 10 position and create plays for a team’s strikers. Certainly the fact that Modric is equally adept with both feet will come in handy in a country where left-footers are as rare as a Man U holiday party without rape.

As this video shows, Modric is “a genius” and “like a football wizard.” He is also very talented at looking pensive -- although most people would look pensive when staring out at Zagreb while some crappy U2 song plays in the background:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aUGD3IkVaA

Which brings me to another point. Why does every single footy highlight reel on Youtube have the worst fucking music ever? I mean, U2 was actually a decent choice compared to most of the Euro trash pop or weird, pseudo-“epic” music. Like this clip, which is “only a trailer for the upcoming Luka Modric Complication”:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTvl2EJ9CPM

So there you have it, the Luka Modric Complication can be yours for only 20 million pounds. My guess is that Modric will soon be a member of Roman Abramovich’s army of rich yuppie scum. Modric will soon be doing Hairclub for Men advertisements (do they have those in England?) and laughing at Michael Ballack’s collection of vintage Porsches. Over time, however, Modric will become increasingly jealous of Steve Sidwell’s tattoos and will grow fat from eating meat pies. Modric will descend into a deeper and deeper funk until he is finally offloaded on Blackburn on a free transfer. Croatia will never seem so far away.

(Oh, and by the way, yes, all U2 songs are pretty crappy.)

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