Tomas Ujfalusi has a hooker problem + UPDATE

You can clearly see he's blocked up. Give him a break, CFA!

Atletico Madrid defender and Czech Republic captain Tomas Ujfalusi has endured a difficult season at the international level. With just 3 games left to qualify for WC 2010, they're sitting 4th in their group behind Northern Ireland (!), Poland and Slovakia, and their chances of turning it around are slim.

Coach Petr Rada and his entire management staff have already felt the burn, being fired en masse by the Czech Football Association, and now Ujfalusi is under the cosh too, along with 6 other senior players.

It's not for poor form, mind you; it's for being caught with prostitutes.

(be forewarned: mildly NSFW pic after the jump)

Two Czech tabloids published the pictures of the lads cavorting with ladies of the night, and as part of the radical overhaul, the CFA decided to gut the entire team as well as management for their transgressions. Guess this will help them qualify now, right? No manager and a team full of new faces?

From the article:

The sacked players are Atletico Madrid defender Tomas Ujfalusi, Galatasaray striker Milan Baros, West Ham defender Radoslav Kovac, Frankfurt striker Martin Fenin, Reading midfielder Marek Matejovsky and Sochaux striker Vaclav Sverkos.

The decision does not necessarily mean a lifetime ban for the players - it will be up to the new coach to decide on their nomination in the future, the association said.

You can imagine that few of 'em would not want to come back after such a scandal and public humiliation. Ujfalusi is already announcing retirement from international football after his disgrace, though choosing to denounce the team's current form as the main reason for his decision.

Tomas Ujfalusi: no stranger to the naked arts

Personally, I think the CFA is off their rocker. Maybe they're taking their cue from the Scots and their lifetime bans for their former captain, but the whole thing reeks of desperation. Failure to impress in qualifying already led them to toss out their entire management structure, so why not use it as a good time to cast off the deadwood too?

Anyway, those of you thinking of betting on the Czechs for WC2010 should apply their money elsewhere. I think they're content to wait another four years for their turn.

In the meantime, he and his teammates should take the Arctic Monkeys' advice when it comes to hookers:



UPDATE
Oh, and the best part? Ujfalusi's been in trouble for this before! I guess it's just how the Czechs roll.

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Sexy fun in Zimbabwe keeps team from qualifying for World Cup

Henrietta Rushwaya is an anomaly. She is the CEO of the Zimbabwe Football Association. Pretty cool, huh? She is also a cougar of the highest level. So much so that she has been cited as the main reason that Zimbabwe did not make it out of the first round of African qualifying. It seems that she tired out certain stars before they even took the pitch.

Rushwaya, it is reported, forced coach Jose Claudinei Valinhos to release a few players from camp after curfew so that they could pleasure each other. One of those players should be familiar to most UF readers. It seems that Ms. Rushwaya has a special place in her heart (at the very least) for Manchester City striker Benjani. From the article:

Rushwaya and the player have left the senior team in a state of shock. When he comes home especially on a siesta from his overseas club, he camps at Rushwaya’s residence where they live literary like husband and wife…

Nice.

Diving a little bit deeper into the article, one can find this gem as well:

Rushwaya herself is known for being generous with her body and numerous scribes have had a go. She is a very kind boss whose generosity has won her friends especially in the media as most of her scandals are deliberately swept under the carpet

According to an anonymous source. Nice reporting standards there, Zimbabwe media.

Finally, there is one more piece of information that just cannot be ignored. It seems that Rushwaya trysts take place in one of Harare's swankiest hotels, a Holiday Inn. Now, I'm no tastemaker when it comes to which hotels to use for sex, but I've always been more of a Red Roof Inn man myself. Perhaps Ms. Rushwaya is just reaching a little too high in expecting the front desk manager at a Holiday Inn to keep her secrets for her.

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Forgotten Ronaldo does something that we'll never forget

Pictured: Ronaldo, diligently checking from afar for evidence of man parts where lady parts should be

Sometimes you have to dig deep to editorialize the story hiding within something rather mundane, and sometimes, well, let's just say the story writes itself.

This was one of those occasions where you sit back and let the quotes do the heavy lifting for you, because, as we all know, you simply can't do any better.

And so I bring you this well-circulated gem, from soccernet and a million other places:

"Police are investigating claims by AC Milan striker Ronaldo that a transvestite prostitute sought to extort money from him following an altercation at a Rio de Janeiro motel."

Yes, sweet lord. Thanks for bestowing upon us this mighty gift.

Ronaldo, the tubby striker of various World Cups and the proud owner of the most gap-toothed smile in footballing history, was doing a little rehabilitation back home at a Rio nightclub when he decided to take home three ladies of the night to help him with his strengthening exercises. Nothing too untoward there; we've known of Man United players taking two or three ladies home, and the less we mention about the Sunderland gangbang, the better.

However, they were not ladies of the night. They were men of the night, and they were also interested in some of Ronaldo's empanada monies in order to keep quiet. To his overweight credit, he held firm, and the quartet took a nice walk down to the local police station to sort matters out.

"Two of them accepted pay-offs of 1,000 reais (US 600), but Ronaldo has claimed that the third, named as Andreia Albertini, demanded 50,000 reais (US 30,000) and threatened to post a video on the internet if he was not paid."

It can't get much more embarrassing, but at least he has a good explanation, right?

" 'He just wanted to have fun and meet some other people outside his usual environment,' [Police inspector Carlos Augusto] Nogueira said. 'There is no crime at all.'

He added: 'He (Ronaldo) is quite shocked. He said he just wanted to have some fun and for the press not to be informed about this. Ronaldo told me he is suffering some psychological problems as a result of his injury.' "

Which makes me wonder... what was Eddie Murphy's excuse? I don't remember seeing him wearing a knee brace.

That being said, this story does bring to attention the dangerous new scourge that is soon to descend upon professional footballers and athletes around the globe: extortionist transvestite sex workers. I predict that by 2010, the lardy insanity of Sepp "Jabba" Blatter will have to go on record with plans on how to eradicate it. We think Malaysian match-fixing is the bottom of the barrel? Surely, this proves otherwise.

Just remember for the future, dear Ronaldo: if you're hungry but they have meat in the trousers, do not dine.

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Paul Jewell Likes To Role Play **Update**

Like I said before, we here at UF like a good sex scandal. Derby County manager, Paul Jewell, is in a bit of hot water with his wife over his role play tastes. Seems the former Wigan manager may have filmed himself having a randy romp with another woman.

I can't wait until the tape is leaked. I mean who really wouldn't want to see an overweight, balding former player on a sextape.

Details after the jump.

The Derby County manager filmed himself in an hour-long bondage romp with a blonde.

Details of the lurid spanking and sex film surfaced yesterday.

* * *

During the film, dad-of-two Jewell – wed for 21 years – ties a mystery woman in stockings to a bed with silk before they have sex.

In another clip the Rams chief and his lover – who is in her 30s and wearing a wedding ring – romp on the boot of his Mercedes.

You really can't blame Jewell on this one. I'm sure he just wanted to know what it was like to be on the other end of a spanking. His team Derby County squad has been outscored 14 goals to 65 this season--a whopping 51 goal deficit--and are relegation bound.

Update 12:30 PST: News of the World comes through with even more details and a play-by-play script. Although the photos are censored (and quite humorous), not much is left to the imagination so be warned that it is NSFWish. Jewell was hanging out with a Beckham ex-girlfriend, too.

[Photo Credit: 4thegame]

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Douchebag Proves Even Bigger Douchebag

Some people are just born douchebags. Joe Starkey is one of those people. The Longview, Washington resident, teacher and soccer coach was arrested this week on charges of having sex with a 15-year old student. Starkey is alleged to have admitted he slept with a 15 year-old female runaway that was staying at his apartment. Grade A douchebag right there.

Students at his school were shocked to learn of Starkey's arrest.

Most students at R.A. Long High School say Starkey was a great teacher and coach and they are surprised he would be charged with having sex with a minor.

From the report:

“He was really cool. You could talk to him about a lot of stuff. During practice he would help you with math and stuff if you needed it,” R.A. Long High School student Alysha said. “I don’t know why he’d do that. It’s crazy. I mean, he’s smarter than that.”

No shit he was "cool" to the students. He wanted to get in their pants. Clearly, he wasn't "smarter than that."

I have found Starkey's MySpace page and it is full of interesting tidbits. First, he is a practicing Catholic:

I am a practicing Catholic, and have every intention of staying that way for quite a while, and would not mind meeting someone willing to go to church with me or practice their faith with me. Don't get me wrong, though, I would love to meet other people, too.

Second, boy has he met some other people. Just check out these photos. [Ed. Note: Someone asked who were in the photos. On the left, Mr. Belding. On the right, Carlos Mencia and Weeman] [ 2nd Ed. Note: That's not Wee Man...it's Brad Williams]:

It's obvious that this guy was born with a terminal case of douchebag-itis. Maybe he didn't sleep with the girl but all signs still point to d-bag.

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OMG, ROTFGAB*

*That would be "rolling on the floor getting ass beat", which is how Benjamin Evans, a former soccer camp coach in Ambler, PA will be spending most of his next 3.5 to 7 years, after he was found guilty of soliciting oral sex to a 13-year-old player he met at the camp via text messaging.

From the report:

Authorities were alerted to the situation when the girl and her parents went to the Horsham police on Aug. 6 to report that an adult coach at the girl's soccer camp had been sending sexually explicit text messages to the girl and attempting to meet with her for sexual purposes, according to the criminal complaint.

This was the second year the girl came into contact with Evans at a soccer camp that was held on the grounds of Temple University's Ambler campus, according to the complaint. The pair had several text message conversations in 2006 but those exchanges stopped when the girl's mother learned of them.

On Aug. 2, 2007, the last day of camp she attended last year, Evans again began texting her, the complaint said. He suggested having oral sex with her, adding that she would receive a $100 allowance if she was skilled, the complaint said.

Yikes. All sarcasm aside, I really am glad this guy's off the street and registered a sex offender.

He was arrested the way these guys always seem to get caught, driving himself to a sting thinking he'd get some action (should've driven to Switzerland instead). Evans reportedly told the police, "this was the stupidest thing that I ever did," to which we say, "No shit." I mean, text message? If you're going to do suggest doing something illegal, why would you use a method that leaves the record of everything you say, and can be easily read by other people, say, parents who pay the bills?

My sympathy of course is with the victim, who has had to go through a terrifying ordeal, having had entire text message conversations read out for the entire courtroom to hear. The poor girl.

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There Were Ten in the Bed and the Little One Said "I'm only 15!"

To catch a predator, start with one of these guys.

Micah Richards has nothing on the lads at FC Thun of Switzerland, those wholesome looking young men pictured above. Whereas Micah only brought one of his mates to the public restroom and everyone else had to watch his sexual exploits via grainy mobile phone video, ten men, including seven members of FC Thun, churned the butter with a Swiss milk maid.

We'd simply file this one away as a run of the mill MMMMMMMMMMF orgy, except the "F" in that equation was 15 years old at the time (the age of consent in Switzerland is 16).

Seven current or former players with the Swiss first-division side still must answer in court in the case that caused an uproar in Switzerland when arrests were made last year. Three other individuals are accused of having had sexual relations with the then 15-year-old girl.

One other player has already admitted to French kissing the minor and paid a fine.

Now, as far as we can tell, there's no evidence that these 10 dudes were mounting her Mont Blanc at the same time, but that's still way too many skewers in the fondue pot for my taste. How bad is the player-to-groupie ratio in Switzerland? Did the girl not have any friends? Did the players ever consider going to the bar?

Though if it's any consolation, at least the boys of FC Thun did it with an actual girl, unlike our old friend Joseph Okoh, who got totally Hansen'd.

BTW, you might remember FC Thun when they were paired with Arsenal in their Champions League group in 2005-06. Because their regular stadium was too small, they played their "home" matches at their rival BSC Young Boys' stadium - Wankdorf Stadium. The jokes keep making themselves.

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Coach, you've been Hansen'ed

Here, have a seat...."

Since the Howard University Men's Soccer season wound down to an end in November on the back of 5 straight losses, their head coach Joseph Okoh has been hard at work. What's he been up to? Strategizing for the upcoming season? Working on a plan to bounce back from a 3-8-5 record?

Nope, he's been on the internet.

From the NBC affiliate:

"The Louisa County Sheriff's Office said Joseph E. Okoh, 40, allegedly traveled about 90 miles from his home in Arlington for the purpose of engaging in sexual activity with a person who he thought was a 13-year-old girl. The person was actually an undercover agent."

D'oh. Why does this keep happening? Will the wave of delusional, lonely, middle-aged men ever grow suspicious of this internet thing? Hasn't every man over the age of 25 with an IQ in the triple digits figured out that they are not who they say they are on the Internet? Howard University has suspended Okoh pending completion of the investigation, so the soccer team becomes the real victim of all this [sarcasm], lost in the scandal without a mentor.

Okoh is/was in his first year as soccer coach of Howard University, a small predominately black college in the District of Columbia. Before that he was coaching at Division II Shepherd College in bucolic Shepherdstown, WV, where he was their all-time winningest coach, posting a 38-19-3 record.

So what will the team do now? They could always look to Okoh's son, Michel, who is currently on the team. There's the other fun part of this story. Okoh brought his son onto the team before the 2007 season, his first at Howard, and in addition to trying to implement his "Total Football" philosophy to the team, he's now got to try and explain to his son that he's a pedophile. Perhaps "Total Football" is his euphemism for "proper ball control?"

Okoh's being held without bond until a hearing on Friday. No word on what video tapes the team will be watching during the offseason.

All I know is that on the Internet, no one knows I'm really a dog.

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