Sunday Bootroom: Gunners and Rovers

Southgate: worried. anxious. ugly.

Derelict in our duties, here's a place for Gunners to gush over their gorgeous goals, and for our resident Rovers fan as they take on the unpredictable Latics side at Ewood Park.

Team news for Blackburn/Wigan later.

Meanwhile, Arsenal up 1-0 (55 mins in), with a lovely Fabregas strike separating the two sides. 'Boro had a penalty shout turned down after Bendtner handled.

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Is It "Alves 'Pooled or "Alves Fletchered"?

This is starting to rise to the level of a yawn as it happens almost weekly, but Alfonso Alves was robbed while Middlesbrough was out drawing with Portsmouth (courtesy of a late David James gift).

This makes the 'Boro striker footballing victim #15.

The raid is estimated to have been worth £50,000 in damage and lost belongings. The 28-year-old returned home shortly after 6pm on Saturday to find his passport stolen along with jewellery, computers, Brazil and Boro shirts, documents, pairs of shoes, and about £200 cash.

But here's where things take a turn for the unbelievable. The Daily Mail piece continues: "Liverpool midfielder Lucas, Alves's compatriot, suffered a burglary in November, while other victims include Steven Gerrard, Daniel Agger, Pepe Reina, Dirk Kuyt..." blah blah a bunch of other Liverpudlians, etc.

Anyway, Alves's compatriot? Uh, no way Lucas is Brazilian. Not a fucking chance. He's worse than Denilson.

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SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Football Is Going On!

The library of dreams: Middlesbrough.

Now, I had to read the source of this here below gubbage three times today. Unbelievable would be somewhat of an understatement. Most football clubs need the fans to be noisy at home. Heck, Norwich sure do. Players mention it, the manager mentions it, the wonderful Delia mentions it (sometimes drunk while standing in the middle of the pitch).

No one can deny that a home team is buoyed by and benefits greatly from a noisy and passionate home crowd. No one can deny this, except for Sue Watson.

Who's she, you ask?

Someone who has pissed off Middlesbrough fans by writing and orchestrating the distribution of one of the stupidest letters that has ever been written.

Sue, Sue, Sue, How about you, Sue! What did you do?

Sue is the safety officer for Middlesbrough. Apparently Sue doesn't like noise at the Riverside. Acting on some some complaints that folks where banging the back of the south east stand during games, she handed out letters asking fans to only make noise when Boro....SCORE!

Oh Sue!

If it wasn't so ridiculous it would be really funny...Yeah, you are right it is!
Of course Boro fans are not seeing the funny side of Sue's faux pas, and are now fuming at poor old Sue.

An excerpt from Sue's masterpiece....

"I am receiving more and more complaints from our own fans about both the
persistent standing and the constant banging and noise coming from the back of
this stand. Please stop. Make as much noise as you like when we score, but this
constant noise is driving some fans mad.”

Wow! No more singing in Middlesbrough. Of course they will be a laughing stock in the north east from here on out. Can you imagine the Newcastle fans when they visit next?

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH......and "You play in a library" and "You only sing when your reading." You get the drift.

Boro's Chief operating officer Neil Bausor seems to think the whole thing was a misunderstanding, and he says the club DO want noise from the fans.

“We understand the strength of feeling on this issue and we accept the letter could easily have been misunderstood. We apologise to any supporters who have therefore been understandably annoyed." - Neil Bausor.

So if that's true, then Sue truly is a Muppet. She was clearly charged with asking fans to stop banging the back of the stand and got a little confused instead. Decided to destroy any atmosphere Riverside Stadium might of had!

Shhhhhhh. No laughing Sue! (That's Sue on the right.)

This next bit is the best part...Ready? The stand that this sorry tale concerns is in the southeast of the stadium. An area that was set aside by the club just for the singing, noisy fans to gather, in order to cheer on their team as a collective!

Oh Sue, Sue, Sue. What a mess.

Boro are currently facing relegation after failing to win in 14 league games. I'm sure that Sue's silence will inspire Southgate's team to survival.

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-Bigus.

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EPL Liveblog: Chelsea v. Boro'

Ok folks it's a Bigus live blog extravaganza. Those of you interested in Wigan v. Liverpool can click on over to the other post where MORE live-bloggery is in action courtesy of Lingering Bursitis.

I had a choice of this game or Everton v. The Arse, but after Liverpool v. Everton on Sunday I have vowed never to watch the depressing Toffees again. Well not this season anyway, so that leaves Spartak London at home to the smoggies. Come join me for all the exciting action from the bridge.



Chelsea (from): Cech, Hilario, Taylor, A Cole, Ferreira, Bosingwa, Belletti, Terry, Ivanovic, Mancienne, Alex, Lampard, Ballack, Deco, Obi, Kalou, Malouda, Stoch, Anelka, Drogba, Kakuta.

Middlesbrough (from): Turnbull, Jones, Hoyte, McMahon, Pogatetz, Riggott, Wheater, Huth, Bates, Bennett, O'Neil, Arca, Shawky, Johnson, Downing, Porritt, King, Alves.

Excitement is building, will Big Phil start that lazy cheat Drogba? Will Downing look like he gives a shit. Will Chelsea stand statuesque for set pieces? Will Alves miss an open goal? I can't wait! I'll do my best to keep up but be warned I am watching my sick little girl also. Let's hope nap time holds eh?

Carvalho is out with a ropey hammy, but Terry is back and willing to shank any penalty Chelsea may win. Sorry Chelsea fans, that's getting a little tired now isn't it?

Match Fact: Chelsea are hoping to beat Middlesbrough for the fifth consecutive time in the Premier League. They have won the last four with an aggregate score of 11-0.

Chelsea haven't kept a clean sheet in 6 and Boro' have lost last 4 on the road.

Ok people. the team sheets are in.

Chelsea: Cech, Bosingwa, Alex, Terry, Ashley Cole, Mikel, Kalou, Ballack, Lampard, Malouda, Anelka.
Subs: Hilario, Ivanovic, Drogba, Ferreira, Deco, Mancienne, Stoch.

Middlesbrough: Turnbull, McMahon, Wheater, Riggott, Pogatetz, Adam Johnson, O'Neil, Shawky, Bates, Downing, King.
Subs: Jones, Taylor, Emnes, Alves, Huth, Sanli, Arca.

Chelsea stick with the one man up front routine with 14 goal leading scorer and king of the sulky babies Anelka. Terry and Alex form the CB partnership and Malouda gets a run out amid speculation of a bid from Juventus. Is he in the shop window tonight?

12 million pound man Alves is on the bench for Boro and Deco rides the wood too.

This is a must win game for Chelsea. A slip here and they can kiss any hope of the title goodbye for sure. The teams are in the tunnel. Lee Probert is the ref tonight..Gawd help us!

Boro look as if they are lining up to match Chelsea's five man midfield. Marlon King will lead the line for them after just signing on loan from Wigan.

.....and we are off!

3 mins: Chelsea are setting their stall out. Playing pretty deep and looking for access to the Boro box. Big Phil is looking relaxed tonight, legs crossed on the bench, maybe someone should get him an otterman. Boro haven't been in the Chelsea half thus far and are sat behind the ball. I fear they may resort to lining up along the goal.

7 mins: Lampard's free kick hits one of the many Boro bodies in the box but Boro fail to clear immediately as Chelsea bring the ball back for another go before the ball is hoofed clear. Marlon King is looking rather lonely up front on his own. Kalou runs into the box squeezing between Boro players but the ball slips away from him for a goal kick. One way traffic is an understatement.

12 mins: The Chelsea pressure is mounting. Boro's only outlet is King and he has touched the ball once in the first 12 mins. Bosingwa sends a long cross to the far post and Ashley Cole arrives for a free header but 120,000 a week buys you the side netting. Boro breathe a sigh of relief.

15 mins: Ballack's free kick is saved low by Turnbull. Boro have committed 5 fouls so far and in dangerous areas. Not a good idea! U75, I chose this one as watching Everton brings suicidal feelings.

22 mins: More Chelsea dominance. Back to back corners fail to yield a goal although the second one bounced through the box begging to be smacked in. Matter of time before Chelsea score here. Downing must love having to stay at Boro, he has spent the game so far defending. Boro win their first free kick and launch a ball into the box which results in a throw in and the return of the ball to Chelsea.

25 mins: This game is as balanced as Russian election. I expected Chelsea to have a lot of possession but this is ridiculous. Boro have just parked the bus. When they do have the ball they pass sideways before deciding to pass backwards! King just pulled a rubicks cube from his left sock. Oh hold on..action. A corner to Boro! Will Chelsea go all zonal?

No. Ball cleared at the near post, a cross returns but Cech claims it.

27 mins: Come on Exeter! Yawnnnn.

30 mins: John Terry is so bored that he tries a run himself, getting to mid way in the Boro half before being dispossessed. King has finished his puzzle and is trying to coax Alex into a wrestling match on the side line. What is amazing is that for all Chelsea's dominance, Turnbull has only made 3 or for saves. And only one of those was a real chance for Chelsea.

33 mins: Lampard sends a free kick over the bar. Scolari just nodded off.

38 mins: Look, I know I'm not that good at this live blogging malarky and my spelling is dodgy, but quite frankly 17 comments on the other thread is just rude. Come on people. I am here for you! Boro are getting brave and starting to commit the odd body forward. There was actually 3 Boro players in the Chelsea half for a moment there.

King is fouled 30 yards out and he falls like he was shot from behind. Downing sends the resulting free kick into the wall.

40 mins: I am praying for half time at this point. I have some high hopes for the commercial break. I may get a Sham WOW commercial if I'm lucky. That will be exciting.

Half Time: Chelsea 0, Middlesbrough 0
Chelsea have probably shared 300 passes this half and only created one decent chance. Boro have come for a point and Southgate looked pretty happy as he hit the tunnel. Chelsea's fans were getting a little tetchy towards the end of the half and boooooooooed their team off. For all this possession Chelsea were crap. No bite, not finish.

Boro will look to see this one out in their own half I am sure. A point at Chelsea is in sight. Adam Johnson did have a chance for Boro at the end of the half as he tried the Ronaldo step over in the box a couple of times before sending a weak shot in the direction of Cech.

To summarize....This one is a snoozer. I'd actually like to take a nap but 2 people are actually reading this. Don't want to disappoint.

Back for the second half in a few, don't go away, either of you! I need to splash some water on my face and brew some coffee brb.


46 mins: Alright. We are off again. SUBSTITUTION: Moulada is off and Drogba is on.
Get ready for some second half diving action!

To answer Andrew's question....TEN.

47 mins: Chelsea have changed shape to a 4 3 3 and immediately Drogba gets a through ball at his feet into the box but he shanks that across the goal about 5 meters from the keeper. There seems a little urgency to Chelsea's play now. They are looking more direct and trying to come through the middle.

50 mins: This is more like it. Chelsea are looking direct, instead of probing around the box they are looking for one two's and players are actually starting to look for space behind the Boro backline. In return, Boro have decided to make a little bit of an effort on the counter attack.

53 mins: Downing makes a surging run down the left but his cross can only find Mikel and Chelsea pass out of trouble and race down the other end and win a corner via John Terry. That's right Terry is in the Boro box! Desperation is setting in for Chelsea. Lampard lifts a corner from the right into the box and Ballack's header is nodded on by Alex as Turnbull tips over.

57 mins: The crowd are up for it now and we have some end to end football. A Boro attack is broken up and Chelsea counter, winning a free kick 30 yards from goal. Alex strikes the ball against the wall and out for another corner.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL....HALLELUJAH!!!!!

Lampards corner inspires header tennis and the ball finally breaks at the edge of the box finding Kalou who smashes a right foot volley into the net.

Chelsea 1, Middlesbrough 0

60 mins: Half an hour to go and Alves is warming up. Boro's 12 million pound man has scored 4 in his last 4 which makes me ask myself...Why the f**k is he on the bench?

Drogba has certainly made a difference to Chelsea's attack. he has made runs in and around the box in an attempt to break up the mass of red bodies in there.

64 mins: SUBSTITUTIONS: Alves is coming on for Shawky and Tuncay is coming on for King. So 2 forwards on and a forward and a midfielder off. Tuncay likes to play in the hole and he should slot in behind Alves.

Anelka breaks into the box but is muscled off the ball as he shoots weakly at Turnbull from the right hand side of the box.

68 mins: Boro are actually enjoying some possession and passing the ball into forward areas in an attempt to pressure the Chelsea deffence. Downing finds Alves on the edge of the box but his shot is weak and wide.

Oh lordy...Lampard misses a sitter. Anelka surges down the right and into the box, he squares the ball across to Lampard for a free shot, just the keeper to beat. Pick a spot Franky boy......But Lampard uses his left peg to shoot embarrassingly wide.

74 mins: It's an open game now. Boro want back into this and Chelsea are trying to exploit the space. I say 'trying' as they are not committing enough bodies into forward areas. Lampard strikes a free kick from 30 yards and Turnbull spills it to Kalou who can only fall over and fail to find Anelka in front of an empty net.

76 mins: Thank you for your concern Andrew. The first half was painful but at least its openning up a bit now.

Chelsea should be 2 up by now but I feel they are hanging back and trying to walk off with the one goal. Thats a dangerous game to play. Drogba has made the difference but he is not finding the support he wants once he gets into a good position with the ball. Lampard shoots from 20 yards with his left and the ball goes narrowly wide.

81 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL GOALLLLLLLLLLLLL KAAAAAALOOOOOOUUUUUUU.

A Lampard corner finds Kalou all on his own 6 yards from goal and he heads into the empty net.

Everyone was crowding at the near post and Kalou stood alone.

Chelsea 2, Middlesbrough 0

Kalou is rewarded for his double haul by being immediately substituted for Deco.

86 mins: Huge cheers at Stamford Bridge as the scoreboard shows news from Wigan. Oh dear poor Liverpool.

Chelsea have been better in the last 10 mins, playing some nice football. Passing with purpose and not just passing back and fourth. Still, they have not created much today and look a shadow of the Chelsea that made the final of the CL and competed for the Premiership title last year. They look old, and exhausted of genuine ideas.

They have certainly made hard work of this one.

89 mins: Chelsea probing for a third and they may get it. Bosingwa and Cole are finally getting forward down the flanks and sending crosses in. Boro look dodgy at the back.

SUB: Anelka is off and Miroslav Stoch is on. The young forward will get a run out as the punters head for the exits.

93 mins: Mr Probert puckers up and blows his whistle. This one is done. Chelsea didn't really start playing football until 20 mins from the end. With the possession they enjoyed they really should have buried this one much earlier. They seemed content to just keep the ball. Sorry Chelsea fans, based on this performance I'd be worrying about 3rd and 4th place. Forget the title, you just are not good enough. Better teams would have made you pay for your reluctance to create chances tonight.

FULL TIME: Chelsea 2, Middlesbrough 0

Ok...I'm out. until next time.....

-Bigus

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EPL Previews: Middlesbrough

Lovely. When it came to calling the season previews of teams here in UF, I was late to the party. Let's just say, then, that I got a couple of teams that I don't really care for, including one that I know very little about. That little-known--to me--squad would be Middlesbrough. Where do I begin? What is the heart of the squad? Is this a squad that pushes for Europe, or do they survive by the skin of their teeth?


Oh. I guess that answers the question.

Never one to not look a gift horse in the mouth, I'll use the manager as a jumping off point.

Gareth Southgate has no love for redemptive dentistry. He has been in charge of 'Boro since the summer of 2006, when Steve McClaren left to take over the England National team. To date, Middlesbrough have taken 88 points in 76 league matches under Southgate. Not stellar numbers, but enough to see them comfortably out of relegation both seasons.

So, then what about the team? 'Boro made a splash last January signing Alfonso Alves from Heerenveen for $16 million. Problem was, Alves was not healthy. Alves made only nine appearances for the club last season, finding the net six times. If he gets and stays healthy this term, he may be able to erase the idea that some of us here hold that players who score well in the Dutch league can only score in the Dutch league. Which reminds me, I should go pick him up for our fantasy league, just in case.

This offseason, Southgate made a couple of early swoops for new talent. By the first week of July, Southgate had brought in Didier Digard, a midfielder from PSG, and Marvin Emnes, a forward from Sparta Rotterdam. At the time, Southgate declared the Middlesbrough were in the market for even more talent. Too bad for 'Boro fans that this statement was not exactly truthful.

In truth, 'Boro started selling off talent immediately after. Goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer was the first to leave the team this offseasion, making the switch to Fulham. Hull City signed last season's EPL leader in cards, George Boateng, shortly after. Luke Young went to Aston Villa. Finally, midfield mainstay Lee Cattermole was shuffled off to Wigan.

All three held starting positions at Middlesbrough, and all three probably will at their new clubs. The one that hurts the most to lose is Schwarzer. No one has been brought in to replace the keeper, which means that the starting job will fall to one of two candidates. Brad Jones has 15 top flight starts under his belt in the last five years, and a smattering of other appearances on loan. Ross Turnbull has even less experience, appearing just five times in league for Middlesbrough. However, Turnbull has the closest thing to a full season's experience as a starter, having appeared 29 times for Crewe Alexandra while on loan in '05-'06. If these two start to leak goals at the back, no amount of scoring up top, unless it is really off the charts, will help the club on their push to Europe.

To be fair, if there is a strength to this squad, it is up top. Middlesbrough could conceivably play three up top given their talent. In addition to Alfonso Alves, this team has both the Egyptian Mido, and the Turk Tuncay as legitimate starters at forward. That is, if they stay healthy. Mido had what the club calls "a serious pubic bone injury" last season and capped the year off with hernia surgery. 'Boro fans better hope he's better to start the season, since Mido takes winters off anyway. Sometime scorer Jeremie Aliadiere is also on the bench for 'Boro.

The midfield is mostly anonymous, with Stewart Downing and Julio Arca the only ones bearing any real name recognition. The defense is decent, and should be helped by the soon-to-arrive Justin Hoyte, provided the two sides agree to terms over the next couple of days.

All in all, Middlebrough could be a fun team to watch. Southgate is no tactical genius, and could just be trying to outscore his opponents. Which would be rare. There is no reason to believe this team will be any better that their 13th place finish last season, and could, in fact be worse.

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Sweet FA Cup Roundup

Unless you have been living under a rock (or don't follow the English brand of football), you have undoubtedly heard of some slight FA Cup upsets from this past weekend. After the jump, some sure to disappear quickly video highlights of the quarterfinal matches.

Manchester United 0 Portsmouth 1
Pompey went up to United and won for the first time in 50 years at Old Trafford. SAF was pissed from the 6th minute onwards, after C. Ronaldo took a knock in the box but didn't get a penalty. Despite not scoring for the rest of the game, Fergie said this is what lost the game for Man U. Actually, it was this:

Rio Ferdinand had to go in goal afterwards and made a valiant, but failing, effort at the penalty. We here at UF could not have been happier.

Barnsley 1 Chelsea 0
Well, we could not have been happier until this happened. The Tykes knock big spending Chelsea out of the cup. Below, extended highlights of the epic fail that is Chelsea.



Middlesbrough 0 Cardiff City 2
The Welsh outfit went northeast to take on Gareth "the teeth" Southgate's squad, and beat them soundly. Two first half goals sealed the deal. Look below for a really fuzzy view of the goals.


Bristol Rovers 1 West Bromwich Albion 5
Ishamel Miller had a hattrick for the visitors. Rovers replied quickly after going down 0-2, but after the (very offside*)third WBA goal, Rovers had no shot. Look below for the highlights from last weekend's highest scoring match.


* Yes I understand the offside rule. I understand active vs. passive. I understand that the defender had the last touch. Miller made himself active on a ball that was initially attempted to be put through by WBA. It was an offside in the way Joe Cole was not in the Chelsea game.

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The Discrete Charm of Liveblogging a Painfully Boring FA Cup Replay: "I Wish, I Wish, I Wish that Something Would Happen"

Waiting for Godot Boro

I think I speak for all of UF when I say that the Guardian is the first and last place to get football news. The writers are cerebral, witty and knowledgeable. They also put together an LOL-inducing football podcast.

Occasionally, however, the Guardian descends into the absurd and ridiculous, such as yesterday's liveblog of the Middlesbrough v. Sheffield United FA Cup replay.

The first iteration of this match ended in a nil-nil draw, and yesterday's game was headed into extra time still nil-nil until a pathetic own goal put Middlesbrough up for good and thankfully put the Guardian's poor Scott Murphy out of his misery.

What happened in the interim was pure hilarity, with discussions of Jorge Luis Borges and Masterchef thrown in for good measure, as our brave liveblogger descended further and further into madness and desperation watching two negative and incompetent football teams refusing to take any chances.

So, this particular liveblog reads like a Skinner Box meets Jack Nicholson in the Shining meets Waiting for Godot, and was far more entertaining than a liveblog of a game where, you know, something actually happened.

Give this man a raise!

Middlesbrough v. Sheffield Utd - Live! - Guardian.co.uk

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Where in the world is Afonso Alves?

[Ed. Note: Thanks to Bigus Dickus again for the pic]

[Ed. Note...UPDATE: Alves will start tonight in the FA Cup game against Sheffield United. Let's see if he lights the bloody world on fire. My money's on "no".]

Now I don't know about you, nor can I speak for anyone else, but if I paid 12.7 million pounds for something, well, anything, I'd want my money's worth. If it was a yacht? I'd ride the bastard to work each morning and pray that I don't get a parking ticket. I'd never leave my mansion if it cost that much. If it was a plane? Fuck, even if I'm heading 30 blocks downtown, I'm taking the sky way so have a runway handy.

Unfortunately for Middlesbrough, they just spent that amount on a new plaything, Brazilian striker Afonso Alves, and he's still sitting in the corner gathering dust.

It's been a bloody month since you signed him! What's going on?

The Guardian blog brought this up this morning, and it's something I can't believe I missed. Not even Shevchenko gets that little playing time for his price tag!

There are a few details worth mentioning here: it's not entirely manager Gareth Southgate's fault as the wonderfully-relaxed [can't think why... too much time in the coffee bars?] British Embassy in Holland failed to issue Alves with a visa in time for him to immediately start playing. The long lay-off was apparent in training, as he showed up quite, ahem, larger around the stomach and way off his original game pace.

Southgate did give him three blink-and-you'll-miss-it substitute appearances, but in each one, he displayed the same I-can't-be-arsed attitude, doing little to nothing during his time on the pitch.

Sure, he did manage 34 goals for run-of-the-mill Heerenveen last year, but we've seen the Dutch Corollary [as I like to call it; expect a more nerdy, detailed post on that towards the end of the week] before; quite simply, goals against rubbish Dutch league teams like Venlo and AS Alkmaar don't exactly translate well to the EPL. [Dirk Kurt anyone?]

Alves, of course, is not going to take this criticism lying down [probably mostly sitting, I'd imagine]:

"I look like I'm lazy, like Romario, but it's not the truth. I'm just playing a game with defenders. It's a tactical thing. They are not looking at me and by the time they do look it's too late, I've suddenly scored. Defenders don't know how to defend against me."

[I can't wait to see what he does to Titus Bramble.]

The Dutch Eredivisie is notoriously slack on the defensive side, and I'm skeptical as to how well Alves can adjust to the English game. His innocuous, anonymous start to a career with The Boro is troubling, to say the least.

This is a team that hasn't seen a great striker in a decade, when the silver-haired Fabrizio "White Feather" Ravanelli lit up the Riverside time and time again [I'll never forget, he scored a hat-trick against us on the opening day of the season... ugh]. Since then, they've suffered through the pain of a past-it Alen Boksic and a seemingly-blind Massimo Maccarone.

Afonso Alves has been set up as the goose with the golden egg, but right now, he hasn't laid a bloody thing.

Do we blame Farmer Southgate or the goose himself?

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